“Anon, we need to talk,” Twilight says, looking between you and the floor.
“Uhhhh,” you reply, looking from her to each of her six friends.
You haven’t been in Ponyville for long, which makes this conversation all the more of a shock. How could you have possibly fucked up so soon? You’ve spent weeks learning pony culture, meeting Twilight’s friends, finding a job, and of course, trying to figure out how to use their toilets. But now here you are, at an intervention.
“Yes, darling,” Rarity adds. “We have a bit of a problem you see.”
“A major problem,” Rainbow Dash adds from the round table in Twilight’s castle.
“Rainbow. Please,” Twilight interjects.
“Hey, I’m just sayin.’”
“What I think we’re all trying to say,” Applejack says, cutting through the girl’s chatter. “Is that we’re have a little problem understandin’ how you’re trying to fit in.”
“How? What in the world am I doing wrong?” you ask.
“Well,” Twilight says. “I’m sure you’ve seen how we’ll occasionally break into song and dance.”
“Well, yeah. I always thought it was weird. I mean, I didn’t know if it was a nervous tick or something. I wasn’t sure if I asked, it would be… well. Offensive or something. Who knows, maybe it was like tourettes or something.”
“What’s a tourettes?” Fluttershy asks.
“Nevermind. That’s not important,” you groan. “I just didn’t know how to help.”
“Well you have to sing, silly. Everypony is doing it,” Pinkie says.
“What if everyone told me to jump off a bridge,” you ask Pinkie.
“I did that once. Would not do again.”
“Anon, that’s not the point,” Twilight says. “We need you to join in our singing and dancing or else we could all get in big trouble!”
“From who?! Is there some law in Equestria that everypony within a five mile radius has to join in a singing and dancing number?”
A silence fills the room.
“Oh, come on! You’re kidding me!”
“Well, actually it’s three,” Applejack says.
You groan under your breath and rise from your chair at the crystal table.
“This is ridiculous. How am I supposed to know what to sing? Let alone the practiced dance choreography?!”
“Oooohhhh!!!!” Pinkie gasps. “Duuhh! He hasn’t seen the video!”
The girl’s voices unify in a single act of realization.
“Of course!” Twilight says. “I’ve seen the video so many times since I was a filly, that it’s permanently burned into my brain. We have to show him!”
The six mares look to you in expectation, smiling widely as you look between the six of them.
“If this is a snuff film, I’m out.”
“Okay, that’s it. I’m out,” you say.
“Anon, we haven’t even started it yet,” Rainbow growls.
“I already know I won’t like it.”
You sigh and sit down in a chair in front of a dusty television. The rest of the mane six sits on the floor, crowded together in front of you. Twilight levitates a remote in her magical grasp as she nods, then presses the play button. The VHS player clicks to life as static fills the screen, the image jumping up and down until it settles.
“Welcome to Dancin’ To The Rhythm! I’m your host, Woah Nelly, and today we’re going to teach you all of the dance moves you’ll need to be a legal citizen of Equestria. Or else!” she says enthusiastically.
You look to each of the girls, who stare at the screen in rapt attention at the overweight pony on screen.
“This is messed up,” you mutter.
“Dancing is fun! And we can teach it to you too. Today’s lesson will be Hip Hop moves!”
“Ooh! This one’s my favorite!” Pinkie says.
Twilight shushes the interrupter, allowing the television to speak.
“First, we’re going to learn the swerve! It’s so easy that your grammy could do it. First, just take your front right hoof, and hold it to the right. Then, making a counter-clockwise circle, bring your hoof to the left, leaning your body along with your hoof.”
The pony on screen performs her move as the mares in the room lean along with her.
“Then, to finish the move, we do the same thing in reverse. With a clockwise circle. See, watch.”
Woah Nelly swerves herself back into position then beams at the camera.
“It’s so easy! Now then. One more time all together, but with a beat!”
A click track begins to play through the speaker as Nelly swerves herself to the left and to the right on screen half a dozen times.
“That’s right. Pop it like it’s hot!” she says. “Now you try! Press pause and rewind to do it with me!”
The video pauses, and Twilight rises from her seat.
“Alright, Anon, I hope you were paying attention. It’s time to swerve.”
“Uhhhh, I think there’s a problem with that, Twilight,” you say.
“Of course not. Just watch me. In no time, you’ll swerve like me every day!”
Twilight mimics the video perfectly, swerving herself to the left and to the right. Rainbow moves beside her and mimics her friend.
“Nothin’ to it,” Rainbow says.
“Except one thing,” you grunt. “I don’t stand on four legs.”
A silence falls on the room as Twilight pauses, her mouth open as she looks to her friends. She looks to Applejack, who looks to Pinkie Pie, who looks to Rarity, who looks to Rainbow Dash, who looks to Fluttershy, who really just wants this sentence to have a period already.
“We could make him walk on four legs,” Rarity suggests.
“OKAY! III’M OUT!” you say, rising from your seat.
“Of course we can’t do that, Rarity. How in the world could we force him to walk on all fours all the time? Someone would have to watch him at all times in order to make that happen.”
Fluttershy quietly raises her hoof, which goes unnoticed by the group.
“I-I could wat-”
“What if he just does the move on two legs?” Applejack says. “How hard could it really be? He could just be a backup dancer or somethin’, right?”
Rarity gasps as if somepony suggested shaving Opal.
“That’s unacceptable! It would completely throw off the aesthetic of the dance. We couldn’t possibly break the symmetry.”
“I-I could just… watch, Anon. All the time,” Fluttershy whispers.
Twilight sighs and looks to each of her friends.
“Then how are we going to get him to sing and dance?” she asks, pacing the room.
“I’m right here, girls. You can stop talking like I’m not in the room,” you say.
“Be quiet, Anon. The Princess is talking,” Rainbow says.
“But-”
“I’ve got it! Everypony has to sing and dance in Equestria… unless…”
Pinkie Pie gasps and leaps up and down.
“Unless they have an injury! That’s why hospitals are no dancing zones!”
“You guys have no dancing zones?!” you ask in horror.
“Oh yeah, there was this one time at this blood drive… It was terrible. Ponies died. We don’t talk about it,” Rainbow Dash says.
“Apple Bloom still has nightmares,” Applejack interjects.
“We just have to make sure Anon has an injury and-”
“I’M OUT. NOPE,” you scream, heading for the door.
But it’s too late. Twilight envelops you in a bright, purple light and brings you back to the center of the room. On the bright side, at least you don’t have to dance or sing ever again. You know what they always say about performances.
Break a leg.
Author's Note
