Lol, What Am I Doing Here?
Spiderman. The greatest hero and baker to have ever lived. Why the baker addition, you ask? Well, to be quite frank, Spiderman is actually the best at everything that he does or attempts. He is the manliest and unmanliest human you will ever have the chance of encountering. He is the very definition of funny and kinky. If there is anything that you wouldn’t or couldn’t do, it’s like a walk in the park for Spiderman.
On a normal Monday morning, Spiderman woke up from the sun flashing in his eyes. He shot a death glare at the celestial body and began to move towards his shudders.
“Damn you, sun. I always liked the moon better!” Spiderman complained while shaking his fist madly.
He looked over to his seriously messed up bed. His pillow seemed stiff at one of the corners. “Lol, my pillow has a boner.” He went over to the boner pillow and began to punch it. He heard some shuffling underneath his sheets and was ready to defeat and/or rape whatever was there. What he saw was the most amazing sight he had ever laid his eyes on.
“Walrus!” He ran to the miniature walrus that Doctor Octopus had shrunk a few weeks back. Though it would remain shrunken forever, it was a great companion for the wild hero. He picked it up and placed it on his shoulder. “Are you ready to swim in ketchup?”
It growled in response.
“Okay, let’s go get that barrel!” He ran to the downstairs basement, passing by Mary Jane on his way down. She turned her head to him and beckoned for him to sit down and eat breakfast.
“Pshh, I don’t need breakfast! I do what I want!” Spiderman then started to do barrel rolls down the steps.
He quickly found himself in the unlit basement. He aimed his web shooter at the switch and dispensed the sticky substance. After the light turned on, he turned to the wall, apparently speaking to an audience.
“Lol, that wasn’t my hand that I used or my web that I shot.”
He turned back to the barrels and proceeded to stuff his mini walrus inside. He ran upstairs again and threw the barrel at Mary Jane.
“Why you no catch barrel, woman?”
“Peter..warn me the next time you decide to go crazy.”
“I do what I want!” Spiderman yelled like a Japanese school girl. He ran over to the waffles and ate it through his mask. When he turned around to Mary Jane, he gave her a thumbs up. “Yummy, that tasted like the pills that some guy gave me last night. I woke up in a dark alley covered in sweat and pee but I think it was just me having my moment again..”
Mary Jane didn’t answer, but just sat down on the couch and began to watch the television. The news was on, reminding Spiderman to break into Jameson’s office and sit there, spinning in the chair non-stop for five hours straight, as per his usual routine.
He ran outside, looked down both sides of the street, and crossed upon seeing it was clear. “You can never be too care-”
Spiderman’s monologue about street safety was cut short by the blaring of a Volkswagen and the thump of his body rolling over the hood. He got back up and rubbed his head. He shook his fist at the retreating vehicle and continued on his merry way. Normally, he would use his webbing to get to the Daily Bugle faster, but today was a Monday. He hated Mondays.
People looked at him as he passed by, asking for autographs, dates, and a bottle of shampoo. He, of course, denied all requests except for the shampoo, to which he gave out vigorously. The cops tried to catch him on his way there but he simply began to break into song and dance, which not only baffled the NYPD but also caused them to play along.
While everyone was distracted by old and hairy middle-aged law enforcers making fools of themselves, Spiderman managed to tie himself with rope and wormed his way up the stairs of the newspaper building. Security guards tired to stop him but he simply pulled out magic boxes with the initial ‘F’ and threw them at the pursuers.
Not long after, he had finally reached his destination; Jonah J. Jameson’s personal office. Spiderman, while tied up, struck a seductive pose while keeping his eyes on the door. He could hear some shouting from inside. A Hitler-mustached publisher waltzed out of the room not five minutes later and stared at the weird arachnid-man.
“Hay.” Spiderman said casually.
Jameson did a double-take at Spiderman, and then began to get even angrier. “Didn’t you have enough last night? Jeez, we went for two whole hours!” The grey-haired fussball left the room, stampeding like an elephant on crack.
“Lol, so that’s what happened last night? Oh well.” Spiderman managed to become free of the bindings and walked into the office. There, in the very corner near the window, was a mahogany desk with a picture of the publisher himself laminated. Also, on the back wall was the same portrait of the smug self-lover.
Spiderman sat down at the desk, prepared to follow his daily routine.
"Lol look at me, I'm a boss. Boss boss boss boss boss boss boss! Go get me some papers, chair! You're fired couch!" He sat there for what seemed like hours, when in fact, it had only passed twenty seconds.
Five Hours Later
Three Weeks Later
“That was fun. Time to go stop Russia now.” Spiderman stood up, clapped his hands, and yelled out “USSR, I am going to rape you!”
A large flash appeared when he spoke out against the Soviet state. His entire body became ethereal and he disappeared. Moments later, he reappeared in a large wintery forest where a bear was walking on a beach ball while wearing a fez.
Spiderman shrugged the abnormal sight off and began walking north because he felt like it, not because the North Star was the most intelligent thing to follow. He saw a giant pointy thing made of metal in the distance. “Lol, it looks like my boner, except smaller.” He shot his web from his hands, which stretched to the nuclear missile about seven miles away.
He got to the top and sat on it. “It makes my butt feel funny.” He stood up on the heel of his feet and balanced himself. After perfecting his equilibrium, he proceeded to dance on the missile. He did everything from the Hammer Time to the Scatman Dance.
After tiring himself out and being shot at by flying polar bears, he slid down the metal side and approached the control panel conveniently placed right there. There were plenty of labels on the side and on the panel front. On the sides read “Be careful, hazardous material nearby.” and “Watch for open trenches.” On the panel, there were button such as “Destroy America.” , “Destroy Germany.” “Destroy Everything in sight.” , “Disable Bomb and give all plans of attack to the US Government.” , and “Do Not Touch.”
The button about sending the plans of attack or disabling the missile had not even registered in Spiderman’s mind. The only things that all the buttons read were “Do Not Touch.” when in fact, they stated all of the aforementioned options. In reality, they were all green and the “Do Not Touch Button” was red, covered in skulls, and had abort systems around it. In Spiderman’s mind, it read “Please Touch for Cupcakes, Laughter, and Fun.” and the button itself had a smiley face and the buttons around it were butterflies.
“It’s this one!” Spiderman slammed down hard on the red button, causing a loud beeping sound to emerge.
The beeping sound was mysterious and almost mesmerizing. As Spiderman looked around him, he began to see that the nuclear weapon was dismantling itself and flames were being spewed forth. He looked at the bomb as it exploded in his red face.
“Shit.”
Ponyville had been experiencing a relatively peaceful day considering it was Monday. The Pegasi did their jobs and took control of the erratic weather from the previous day. The Earth ponies were tending to their stalls and farms. The Unicorns were busy writing, reading, and buying parcels from said stores. All in all, it was a sunny and fine Monday.
Applejack was busy harvesting apples for the incoming storm of customers that yearly travelled to Ponyville for her famous Apple Family Cider. She, along with Granny Smith, Apple Bloom, and Big Macintosh, were collecting the apples so that they could be easily pressed and meshed into the concoction that was cider.
This year, like every other year, they had developed little improvements that would barely increase the stores of cider that they could make, much to the dismay of an irritated Rainbow Dash. They also had to repair their mailbox and fence after the arrival of the Flim Flam Brothers last year. So for now, Granny Smith and Big Macintosh were setting up their wooden stand while the two sisters made the product.
Fluttershy, like last time, was dragged with Rainbow Dash to be early this year. Rainbow, knowing that pink mare Pinkie Pie, was afraid that Pinkie would take all of the cider for herself like she always did. Pinkie was always the first in line, which is what made Rainbow Dash even madder. Fluttershy, being the gentle Pegasus she was, couldn’t put up a fight or much of a mention to show her cyan friend that she didn’t want to go.
Rarity was off doing Celestia knows what, most likely whipping up another dress for a hoity toity client in Canterlot. A witness to this being Sweetie Belle being kicked out of Carousel Boutique shortly after her arrival. The filly unicorn and spent the entire day with her friends and was waiting with Rainbow Dash and Fluttershy for some delicious cider.
And last but not least, Twilight Sparkle. The lavender librarian unicorn had been re-organizing the entire shelves of books in her home. First and foremost being to dust them of any particles that may have settled from their ill use. Spike had been a great help to her as she was just about to finish her work and was allowed a small time slot to gather her dress-making friend and travel to Sweet Apple Acres.
“Spike, stay here and look after the place, okay?”
“You got it!”
Twilight smiled at her little assistant as she walked outside and used a teleportation spell to get to the Boutique faster. The last time when she travelled by hoof to the store and then to the farm, Rainbow Dash was writhing in pain from the cider withdrawal. This year, the purple mare decided to be there for her needy cyan racer.
“Hey Rar-” Twilight paused mid-sentence when she was a frozen white unicorn staring at something in the middle of the room.
Twilight was puzzled from this look but quickly shared it when she turned her gaze as well to the tall, bipedal, and red and blue figure in the middle of the room. The thing was standing on it’s hind hooves (legs?) and it seemed to have two eyes, although they were a pure white with black lining. Also, there were many red parts, the same black lining present. Almost like a web. Some splotches of pure blue caused discrepancies between the red and black, albeit looking very fashionable and in an understandable pattern.
Finally, laden on the creature’s chest, was a giant, black, menacing spider! Twilight and Rarity both opened their mouths to scream in horror at the monstrosity before them that was raising its arms up in a motion that resembled that of an ape smashing its hands down.
No noise came out however, as something stopped them dead in their tracks. They thought that the creature had said something but simply marked it up to their imagination. They again reassumed the mood of screaming but were stopped yet again, this time by a very audible phrase.
“LOL I’M A PONY!”
