When Did I Stop Forgiving?

by The Engineer Pony

Rating: everyone
Tags: Twilight Sparkle, Princess Luna, Drama, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Starlight Glimmer, Trixie, Slice of Life
Length: 3897

Twilight asks Princess Luna about her recent harsh treatment of Starlight and Trixie.

Twilight asks Princess Luna about her recent harsh treatment of Starlight and Trixie.

Published 2016-05-12 18:50:01 UTC
Last updated 2016-05-16 21:47:51 UTC

Dreams of Silverware

Princess Twilight carefully adjusted the plate on the dining room table in front of her. The dish was a part of her very best set of tableware, which she used for only the most important of occasions. While the grandeur of her castle usually gave Twilight a sense of uncomfortable pomp—seeming far too ornate for the continual bustle of daily living—she took pride in the splendor of her new home when matters of significance arose. At such times, Twilight took advantage of every pristine accessory her castle could offer.

Of course, the impending arrival of Princess Celestia was an event of incredible importance. Their coming dinner was not just an opportunity to demonstrate how much progress Starlight Glimmer was making in her friendship lessons, but also a chance for Twilight to show that she was faithfully passing on Celestia’s teachings. Twilight was acutely aware that she now occupied the same role that Celestia had fulfilled for her a few short years ago. Now it was her responsibility to pass on the wisdom she had learned from Celestia to another pony. Now was Twilight’s chance to make the princess proud.

That was why Twilight had pulled out her most exquisite set of dishes and silverware. Each plate bore a perfect representation of the star in her cutie mark, beautifully recreated in fine porcelain. A ring of lavender and rose encircled the star in a subtle crown of complementary colors. Every immaculate dish gleamed with the shine of perfect cleanliness, a testament to the thorough scrubbing Twilight had made Spike give each plate.

And the plate in front of her was slightly off-center.

Twilight frowned. The plate was a bit too close to the nearest fork, the result of sloppy silverware placement. With a slight tap, Twilight shifted the plate over to the right. But she moved it a little too far, and it clinked against one of the knives, knocking it slightly askew. An exasperated sigh escaped Twilight as she repositioned the knife, carefully aligning it once more with the rest of the silverware. But in her haste, Twilight managed to bump the plate again, pushing it over toward the forks. As she reached for the plate, Twilight accidentally jiggled the table, jolting all of the silverware from their proper placement.

Twilight let out a short scream of frustration and banged her hooves on the table. One of them came down on the edge of a spoon. The spoon flew off the table, ricocheted off the far wall, and bounced back to hit Twilight in the head.

“Enjoying yourself?” the voice behind Twilight inquired with calm amusement.

Twilight turned. “Princess Luna!” she exclaimed. “What are you doing here? I thought Princess Celestia was the only one coming to check on my progress in teaching Starlight. Was she delayed by some crisis? Or…” Twilight’s voice faltered a moment. “Does she have something more important to do than visiting me?”

Luna chuckled. A dismissive wave of her hoof was enough to make Twilight fall silent, giving the elder alicorn a chance to speak. “My sister was the one to visit you at dinner today. But I would find it most peculiar if she were here in your dreams tonight.”

“Oh.” Twilight blinked in surprise. “This is…a dream?”

A faint smile spread across Luna’s face as she nodded. “How observant of you, Twilight Sparkle.”

Twilight tilter her head to the side in confusion. “But, if you don’t mind my asking, what are you doing here, Princess Luna? I know you have many dreams to watch over and, well, this one isn’t all that scary. Surely some other pony needs your help?”

“The worst dreams are not always the ones that wake ponies in terror,” Luna said carefully. “Sometimes, the most horrifying nightmare is the one you do not realize is happening. Tell me, Twilight, does something trouble you?”

Twilight took a quick step back, bumping into the table behind her. Silverware clattered to the floor as she responded, “Of course not. Whatever makes you say that?”

“My sister told me of the difficulties you had today with your student, Twilight,” Luna said gently.

“Right.” Twilight’s head drooped for a moment. Then she quickly perked back up and looked Luna in the eye. “But everything worked out in the end. I apologized to Starlight, she decided to help Trixie, and the two of them became friends again. It all went perfectly!”

“So I heard,” Luna replied. “But if that is so, why did I find you here obsessing over correct utensil placement, rather than basking in the pleasure of seeing a friendship restored?”

“Well,” Twilight rolled her eyes as she responded, “I hardly think that it is strange for me to dream about getting ready for the dinner. After all, I did spend several days obsessing about it.”

“I see. And the fact that you spent more time thinking about silverware arrangements than how your own student might feel clearly indicates nothing is wrong.” Luna stared intently at Twilight.

Twilight fidgeted as she tried to maintain Luna’s gaze. After several seconds, though, she faltered and glanced down at the ground. Twilight stared at her reflection in the glistening floor for almost a minute before speaking again.

“What’s wrong with me?” Twilight asked in a small voice, her eyes still fixed on the floor. “I thought I had already learned during our last visit to the Crystal Empire that I needed to give Starlight the freedom to make her own choices. And I thought I had forgiven Trixie long ago for the mistakes she had made. Then why was I so suspicious when the two of them became friends? Why did I try to keep them apart?”

She looked up at Luna with wavering eyes. Twilight swallowed before continuing. “When did I stop forgiving them and start trying to control their lives?”

Luna said nothing. Instead, with a flash of power from her horn, she swept away the dream world. The two princesses stood amid a starry void, still and beautiful. Luna turned and began walking toward something unseen in the distance. Though she could not tell what Luna’s intended destination was, Twilight followed her after a moment’s hesitation.

“Twilight, why was tonight’s dinner so important to you?” With a simple question, Luna broke the silence.

Twilight was almost taken aback by the straightforward inquiry. “Because it was a chance to show Princess Celestia how far Starlight Glimmer has come. And how well I have been teaching her, obviously.”

“You seek Celestia’s approval.” It was not a question.

“Of course.” Twilight frowned. “She’s been my mentor since before I came to Ponyville. Even though I’m a princess now, I guess I still haven’t lost that desire to please her.”

“You know that my sister cares for you very much. No mistake or failure on your part could ever take away her affection.”

“Well…yes,” Twilight said with a hint of uncertainty. “But what does that have to do with my treatment of Starlight?”

Luna sighed. “Twilight, you are a wonderful pony, and I am proud to have you as a fellow princess. But too often you fear that Celestia is constantly testing and judging you. You worry that if your friendship report is a day late, or your silverware placements are an inch off, or your diplomatic negotiations are anything less than perfect, then Celestia will declare you a failure and banish you forever.”

“To be fair, negotiating with the yaks required perfection,” Twilight objected.

With a shake of her head, Luna continued. “Even then, your friend Pinkie Pie discovered that what the yaks wanted was not a futile attempt to recreate their own culture, but rather an introduction to Equestrian society. My point is, too often you default to an attitude of checklists and criteria to measure how well you are meeting Princess Celestia’s standards of admiration.”

“I guess that could be true,” Twilight conceded. “But I still don’t see how this relates.”

“Your attitude does not just affect yourself. In your efforts to make your dinner tonight a success, you strove for perfection in not only your own actions, but Starlight Glimmer’s as well. Rather than trusting her to make friends—and possibly fail—on her own, you sought to control her in such a way that she too would be perfect for Celestia.”

“But, I want Starlight to learn all she can and become the best friend possible,” said Twilight. “Isn’t that a good thing?”

“Not when you are controlling her decisions,” Luna replied sharply. Her gaze and tone softened as she continued. “Do not be too hard on yourself, Twilight. You were not the only one who acted this way. Trixie wanted to prove to herself that she was better than you, and the desire to her prove superiority nearly destroyed her friendship with Starlight. Even Starlight feared she was living under the expectations of a town that did not fully trust she was reformed.”

“But my disapproval of her friendship with Trixie would have just confirmed that fear!” Twilight exclaimed. “How can I convince Starlight that she’s not just a means to an end?”

“It turns out, you are not the only one with bad dreams tonight.” With another surge of magic, Luna summoned two rows of ethereal doors that led to the dreams of uncounted ponies. One door shimmered with the reflective glow of an ornate pattern of crystals. Coming to rest directly in front of the two princesses, the door opened with a burst of light.

Twilight cautiously stepped over the threshold into whatever dream awaited. She found herself in a plain room. Brown and gray stones formed the unadorned walls. Roughly cut wooden furniture and a simple rug provided the only furnishing. At the window stood two ponies.

“I don’t trust you,” snapped one of the figures. Twilight noticed that it was an alicorn speaking. Her face was lost in shadow, but Twilight shivered when she noticed the familiar cutie mark adorning the alicorn’s flank.

“You say you have changed,” said the dark alicorn, “and you say you can make your own choices. But do you know what I see? I see a pathetic excuse for a pony who cannot escape the horrible things she has done.”

“But…” The other pony at the window struggled for words. After choking on several attempts to speak, she bowed her head and wiped a tear from her eye.

The alicorn continued, “Your friendship with Trixie confirmed what I had long suspected: you seek to return to your old ways. Well, Starlight Glimmer, I will not stop you. From this moment, you are no longer my student.”

The alicorn glowed brightly for a moment, before disappearing in a brilliant explosion of light. All that remained was the unicorn sobbing quietly at the window.

Twilight took a hesitant step forward. As she opened her mouth to speak, Starlight looked up and noticed her presence.

“Go away! You clearly don’t care about me, so why don’t you just leave me to my fate?” Starlight turned her back on Twilight, blinking away tears as she stared out the window to the night sky beyond.

Softly, Twilight approached the whimpering unicorn. She stopped directly behind Starlight and matched her gaze toward the darkness outside. At the same time, though, she could make out Starlight’s reflection in the window.

“Of course I care about you, Starlight,” Twilight began.

“Oh sure,” Starlight interrupted. “You want to show Princess Celestia how great you are at choosing my friends for me. I’m just a project for the Princess of Friendship to prove her worth.”

Twilight paused for a second before answering in as a gentle a voice she could manage. “You’ve never been a project to me, Starlight. You’re my friend, and I’m sorry that I was unable to convey that. In my attempt to teach you everything there is to know about friendship, I failed to treat you with compassion.”

Starlight remained silent. After giving her words a chance to sink in, Twilight continued. “I unintentionally tried to control your life so I could feel better about myself. You deserve better than that. I know that you’ve changed from the way you were before, and that you would never go back to your old self. I need to give you a chance to prove it by letting you make your own choices. And if you happen to stumble, just know that making a mistake will not lessen my opinion of you.”

Twilight fell silent and returned to contemplating the night sky. Even in a dream, she could identify many familiar constellations amid the black void. She continued savor the beauty of the stars for several minutes as Starlight collected herself.

An eternity later, Starlight spoke. “I, well…thank you, Twilight. I was afraid that somepony as perfect as you would never really be able to accept me or understand what I was going through. I just felt Trixie could relate. I never meant to worry you.”

“We all make mistakes,” Twilight said with a small smile. “Remind me to tell you sometime about all the things I’ve done wrong.”

Starlight chuckled. “That’ll make for an interesting friendship lesson.”

“Yes, well, that can be something to look forward to when we wake up. Which reminds me: Princess Luna?” Twilight turned toward her fellow princess, waiting silently in the back of the room.

“Yes, Twilight?” Luna asked. “Do you wish to return to your own dreams now?”

Twilight shook her head. “Not quite yet. I think we have one more dream to visit before the night is over.”

Starlight’s gaze clouded with confusion for a moment before she realized what Twilight meant. “Trixie’s?”

“Yes,” Twilight said. “She must be feeling awful about almost losing your friendship. I know she values you as a friend; she just let her desire to outperform me get the better of her.”

“Well, let’s go cheer her up,” Starlight agreed. She glanced at Princess Luna. “Um, how exactly do we do that?”

“Allow me,” chuckled Luna. Once more her horn glowed with power as she prepared to connect their dreams to Trixie’s. In the brief moment before the magic took effect, Twilight gave Starlight an encouraging smile, which Starlight gratefully returned. Then in a flash, all three ponies vanished from the dream.

Dreams of Greatness

The cheers of a thousand excited ponies assaulted Trixie’s ears. Hidden behind the stage’s curtain, Trixie could not yet see the multitude of her admirers, but she could imagine. The crowd sounded larger and more frenzied than any she could remember. How fitting, that her biggest crowd would gather to witness the greatest performance in stage history. This night, Trixie would prove once and for all that she was the most spectacular pony to ever live.

As the curtain rose, Trixie stepped into the light with a proud strut. Ponies stomped and clapped and hollered at her appearing. Fireworks exploded in the sky above, adding further to the cacophony. Their bright colors threw Trixie into relief as she took a bow. Then she extended a hoof and the assembled masses fell silent.

“The Great and Powerful Trixie will now perform a feat never seen before by ponykind!” Trixie exclaimed.

The crowd responded with a roar of anticipation.

“Trixie would like to welcome her assistant, Starlight Glimmer!” With a twirl of her cape, Trixie turned to greet Starlight as she joined Trixie on the stage. Starlight grinned nervously as she stepped forward. She bowed politely and faced Trixie.

Trixie took a step back, putting some distance between herself and Starlight. She gave her assistant a reassuring wink before addressing the crowd once more.

“And now, the Great and Powerful Trixie will make this pony disappear!” Trixie reared up in exuberance, her front hooves reaching toward the sky. Then she slammed her hooves down on the stage, lowered her head, and shot a beam of magic at Starlight. In a flash of light, Starlight vanished.

The crowd applauded once more. Trixie paused for a moment to savor their adoration before sweeping into a low bow.

“Trixie can make anypony disappear!” she cried. “Anypony at all!” Scanning the ponies in front of her, Trixie’s eyes fell on an alicorn in the front row. The alicorn’s crown gleamed brightly in the light of the fireworks.

“The Great and Powerful Trixie will make Princess Twilight Sparkle vanish!” Another blast of magic emanated from her horn and engulfed the startled Twilight. A moment later, she was gone.

Another cheer rose.

“Thank you, thank you!” Trixie said as she searched the crowd once more. “Now, watch as Trixie removes five ponies at once!” She took aim at a collection of ponies cowering off to the side: two earth ponies, two pegasi, and a unicorn. In an instant, Twilight’s friends disappeared.

“Nopony can stand before the Great and Powerful Trixie!” Trixie launched a beam into the crowd. “Nopony can match her talent and grandeur!” She unleashed another burst of magic. “Nopony can rival her prowess!” Another flash of power. “Nopony can be her equal!” Flash. “Nopony at all!” Flash. Flash. Flash.

Trixie paused to search for more targets. Thousands of ponies had flocked to the park where Trixie had set up her stage; thousands had gathered to witness her greatness. But now Trixie only saw the still visage of an empty field. A gentle breeze swept over the grass and rustled a nearby bush. A lone bird chirped softly from its perch in a tree on the other side of the park. The scene was completely devoid of ponies.

The Great and Powerful Trixie just stood there, waiting for applause that could never come. She waited, half expecting another crowd to come and cheer her greatness, and half expecting the silence to linger forever.

“Greatness sure is lonely, isn’t it?” came a soft voice behind her.

With a startled jump, Trixie turned. Twilight Sparkle walked carefully toward her, a somber look upon her face. She joined Trixie at the front of the stage, gazing out over the featureless meadow in front of them.

“Twilight?” Trixie asked in surprise. “Why are you here? Didn’t Trixie already banish you? Or is the wonderful and majestic Princess Twilight too stubborn to know when she isn’t wanted?”

Twilight said nothing, and she continued to stare straight ahead. For a moment, though, Trixie thought she saw a tear glisten in Twilight’s eye.

Then Trixie noticed something else. Her voice faltered as she addressed Twilight. “Where…what happened to your wings?”

Before her stood a unicorn. No gaudy wings sprouted from Twilight’s flank; no crown adorned her crest. In fact, Trixie noticed that Twilight stood at the same height as her, as if she had shrunk slightly from her alicorn form to the size of a typical unicorn.

A brief grin lit up Twilight’s face. “This is a dream, Trixie. Princess Luna brought me here to talk to you.”

“ A dream?” Trixie smiled smugly. “Well, in that case…” A pair of wings erupted from her back.

Twilight faced Trixie. She silently contemplated her companion’s new wings, and then she closed her eyes and sighed. “Trixie.”

“Yes, Twilight?” Trixie sneered.

Twilight opened her eyes. Her gaze bored into Trixie. “We both know those can’t make you feel better.”

“I…Trixie has no idea what you mean!” Trixie snapped.

“Trixie, please,” Twilight pleaded. “Starlight told me about your envy. You’re afraid you’ll never be as capable and successful as you seem to think I am.”

“She told you about that?” Trixie asked harshly. “She said she would keep it a secret.”

“Starlight’s your friend, Trixie.” Twilight kept her voice calm. “She wants to help you.”

Twilight glanced over her shoulder and gave a small nod. Trixie turned too, and received her second shock of the night. Starlight Glimmer hesitantly approached the pair, her eyes downcast. Without a word, Starlight took her place next to Trixie, on the side opposite Twilight.

Trixie swallowed at the sight of her friend. Suddenly words started pouring out as guilt welled up within her. “I’m sorry, Starlight! I didn’t want to make friends with you just to upstage Twilight, I really didn’t! I can’t tell you how much it meant to me when you came back to help me with the Moonshot Manticore Mouth Dive. I don’t know why I let my jealousy of Twilight get in the way of our friendship!” Trixie broke off and waited for a response.

Starlight finally looked at Trixie. For a brief second, her expression was cold and hard. But then her countenance softened into a smile. “Nopony’s perfect, Trixie. Maybe you just had trouble believing you were given a second chance. I know I did.”

“Did I?” Trixie wondered. “But I thought it was other ponies who didn’t want to give me another chance.” Trixie shot a look at Twilight. She had meant for it to be a suspicious glare, but a slight hesitation betrayed her feelings of shame.

“I didn’t fully trust you, and I’m sorry,” Twilight replied meekly.

Starlight spoke up. “But her misgivings were well intended. In my case, they only stung because I feared Twilight didn’t care for me. I still felt like I was unworthy of her friendship, and was afraid she only tolerated me so long as I behaved exactly the way she wanted me to. But friendship isn't based on how well you perform.”

The phrasing of Starlight’s statement caught Trixie’s attention. “I’m a showmare. Performing is what I do.”

“When giving a magic show, that’s a good thing,” Twilight said gently. “But when it comes to making friends, wanting to put on a performance will just get in the way.”

A realization struck Trixie. “I thought that if I became great enough and powerful enough, and if I put on a spectacular enough show, ponies would finally realize I was worth something. And…I would finally realize I was worth something.”

Trixie lowered her head in shame. The wings upon her back faded to nothingness.

A hoof came to rest on each of Trixie’s shoulders. The unicorns on either side drew closer to comfort her.

Twilight spoke first. “Fame is not a measure of a pony’s worth, and admiration is no substitute for the love of a friend. When I first came to Ponyville, I learned how much more valuable friendship was than achieving perfection as Celestia’s prized pupil.”

Starlight added, “Never forget, we’re your friends, Trixie. Your skill with stage magic is amazing, and we admire your ability. But our friendship runs deeper than that. We care about you, as a pony.”

A tear formed in Trixie’s eyes. Before she could wipe it away, several more tears began streaming down her muzzle. Trixie stood there, weeping, not bothering to try to compose herself. The soothing weight of the hooves upon her shoulders told her it was fine to cry.

The three friends stood there for the rest of the night. Each one cried, in turn, and each one comforted the others with her presence. Finally, as dawn broke, Luna brought the ponies back to their own slumbers. It was time for them to rest.

Author's Note

I decided to go ahead and add a second chapter with Trixie's dream. Originally, I had only planned on the one chapter, but looking at Trixie's response to the events of the episode also seemed interesting.