Fitting A Hulking Bulk In A Tight Spot

by Tired Old Man

Rating: teen
Tags: My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Other, Comedy, Cutie Mark Crusaders, Bulk Biceps, Sex, Applejack
Length: 2180

Bulk Biceps can’t fit his girth inside the Crusaders’ tiny peach-pink clubhouse.

Bulk Biceps is a big stallion. Very big, needs double doors or a wide berth big. He also has a problem with his cutie mark that needs solving.

The Crusaders are more than eager to help, but they have a problem to tackle first: how to fit his girth inside their pretty pink clubhouse.

Rated T for overly gratuitous sexual innuendo.

Published 2016-05-13 18:30:01 UTC
Last updated 2016-05-13 18:30:01 UTC

A Big Squeeze Can Go A Long Way

“I’m stoked you girls offered to help fix my cutie mark problem!” Bulk Biceps cheered, his disproportionate wings flapping as he hovered a few inches above the grass. “I’m so excited I could yell!” Bulk lifted a forehoof into the air. “YEAH!”

“It’s not a problem, Mister Biceps!” Sweetie Belle said, trotting along next to Bulk through some apple trees with a happy grin.

“Oh no, that was my daddy’s name. Please, just call me Bulk!”

“Okay, Bulk!” Sweetie Belle looked to her two other companions. “We’re more than happy to help you, aren’t we?”

“Sure are!” Scootaloo replied, trotting on the opposite side of Bulk.

“Absolutely!” Apple Bloom added, keeping pace next to Scootaloo as they made their way through Sweet Apple Acres.

Bulk tilted his chin up in thought. “Though, uh, why are we heading to your clubhouse? I was kind of hoping you could solve my problem at the playground…”

“We just prefer conducting business there! It’s, uh, kind of been the place for us to go and talk things out for the most part,” Sweetie offered, sounding slightly unsure of herself.

Bulk, however, didn’t seem to mind. “Works for me! So long as we grind this problem into dust, I don’t care where--”

Bulk stopped in place, ceasing his hovering as he landed on the ground like a kitten. They’d approached the small clearing outside the Crusaders Clubhouse. And as Bulk took in the small dimensions of their chosen locale, a truth dawned on him.

“...I’m not gonna fit in there.”

“What? Of course you will!” Scootaloo replied. “We double-checked the dimensions already to be sure it could accommodate any large clients!”

Bulk tilted his head. “Even a sea serpent?”

“Well, we can only get just the head in for that. But that’s more than enough to work!” Apple Bloom grinned a gleaming white smile, and Bulk’s worries subsided for just a moment.

“Come on, I’m sure you can get inside just fine!” Sweetie Belle reassured in a chipper tone.

“YEAH! I guess we won’t know if I’ll fit if I don’t try!” Bulk tensed his already rippling muscles, looking even bulkier and ready to take anything on, especially that tight door frame.

Apple Bloom trotted up the angled ramps and opened the door, stepping inside. She beckoned for Bulk to come inside, sizing up his massive, muscular shape and comparing it to the door frame.

“This is gonna be close, girls. He’ll be a tough fit, but ah think we can do this! Are you ready, Bulk?”

Bulk nodded, and began to squeeze his way through the doorway. His head easily cleared the doorway, but as soon as he tried to fit his forelegs in, he was met with firm resistance from the door frame. Gritting his teeth and straining his muscles he forged ahead, working his way inch by inch inside, veins pulsing and throbbing as he thrusted himself forward with all his might. Beads of sweat formed on his brow as he struggled and wriggled his way in, but the tightness of the opening gave him no quarter.

Something had to give, or somepony would break. As it turned out, it was the latter.

Bulk let out a heavy sigh, slumping his head down as much as a buff pony with their forelegs fully jammed in a small door frame could. “I… I’m sorry, girls. I’m stuck.”

Apple Bloom stepped up to his side, and inspected the door frame where his forelegs pushed against the sides. “Hmm… wow, looks like ye really are stuck. But don’t worry, Bulk!” She stuck her head under his torso to look at Sweetie Belle and Scootaloo. “Alright girls, it’s time for plan B!”

“Alright! Initiating plan B!” Scootaloo cheered before quizzically tilting her head. “Uh, what’s plan B?”

~~~

‘WHAM!’

One of many of Sweet Apple Acres’ namesake apple trees shook in place, its shiny red fruit neatly falling off the branches into an arrangement of half-barrel bushels around the base. Orange hind legs retracted from the base as Applejack rounded herself in place to inspect her work.

“Heh, good girl, Red.” She gave the tree a playful nudge. “Another great batch today! And you did so much better than Jerry back there,” she added, giving a stink eye to an apple tree three trees away, its branches stubbornly clinging to half of its fruit no matter how much Applejack bucked it. “Right, Jerry?!”

Jerry said nothing, his branches merely waving back and forth in a light breeze. It was about as indifferent a shrug as Applejack got from him. She merely snorted in reply before loading up the apple bushels in a nearby cart. Slipping herself into the attached yoke, she expertly secured herself with a few straps, eager to move on to the next tree. And the next one and the next, whatever it took to distance herself from Jerry. Luckily, Humphrey was next in line. Humphrey was at least a hundred times more pleasant than Jerry.

“Puuuush!”

Applejack flicked her ears as she pulled the cart. The unmistakable sound of a Cutie Mark Crusader was nearby, definitely Scootaloo by the tone of their voice. She smiled--likely her little sis and Sweetie Belle were also there as well, having fun hanging out or whatever it was they’ve been doing since they found their cutie marks.

“Uuuuuuunnnggghhh! I’m trying, but he’s just too big!”

“Sweetie Belle, you’re holding it wrong! Here, let me show you how!”

Applejack skid to a halt, dislodging a few apples from the bushels. What the what?! HE? Are they… they can’t be… No, I must be imagining things. She shook her head and blinked a few times. Yeah, yeah, this is just normal, perfectly normal filly behavior and nothing to worry about--

“There we go, now I got a good grip! Thanks, Scootaloo!”

“Come on, girls! He’s moved in a bit more now! He’s gonna fit inside, I know it!”
Apple Bloom? What in tarnation?! Panic gripped her as she attempted to expertly undo the straps, but succeeded at being merely an amateur that tightened the straps in some parts and loosened them in others. Truth be told, she was in quite a bind working out those kinks.

“But he’s still not all the way in! I don’t know what else we can do!”

“Ooh! Scootaloo, don’t you still have some of that lube for your scooter?”

“Great idea, Sweetie Belle! Hang on while I go fetch it! Don’t you worry, Bulk! We’ll get you inside and get to work on your problem in no time!”

“I hope so. I don’t think I can pull myself out anymore!”

Her mind now filled with nothing but the sound of herself screaming, Applejack flailed and fumbled with more of the straps. One leg free, then two, breaking a few straps to get the rest of her body loose. Her hat fell off her head as she removed herself from the yoke.

She didn’t care.

She ran down the treeline toward the clubhouse. Past Red the beauty, and past Ol’ Faithful the reliable. She leaped over one of Mary Sue’s intricate, reaching roots, about to break into a top-speed gallop…

Right under Jerry’s branches.

‘THONK!’

One of the apples Jerry reserved beaned Applejack square on the noggin, throwing her off course and crashing into the next tree in line.

“Jerry, Ah hate you so much right now,” Applejack mumbled as she removed her head from the tree, shaking it strongly to clear her senses! Throwing a hasty “Sorry, Barky!” over her shoulder to the headbutted tree, she stormed down the treeline with purpose driving her hoofsteps.

“Alright girls, I found the lube! Now hold still, Mister Bulk! It’s sat out in the sun for a bit, so it might feel a bit warm.”

“Don’t worry. I’m not going anywhere like this… Whoa, this feels awesome! I feel like I could slip into anything!”

Applejack’s hooves pounded harder, leaving hoofprint-sized craters in the grass. Almost there almost there almost there! Her eyes shrunk into tiny saucers that were a perfect size for ants as she focused intently on the clearing near the clubhouse. A mid-size pool of mud directly in her path also came into view.

She didn’t have time to run around it. Can’t stop now, just gonna run right through it!

‘SPLORCH.’

No, she couldn’t. The first step sank far deeper than expected, and she tumbled right through the mud.

“Horseapples! Are ya kiddin’ me?! What’s a mud pit even doing here?!”

“Hey girls, I’m working up a major sweat here! Is there a place I can cool my head after this?”

“Sure! I made a mud pit you can use just past the clearing! I was using it to practice a few stunt jumps, but you can use it!”

“YEAH! I LOVE a good mud pit! Thank you!”

“Scootaloo! Is he all lubed up?”

“Ready to go, Apple Bloom!”

“Alright, now push!”

Applejack rolled over, her body and mane caked in mud she wanted nothing to do with. Wiping the mud from her eyes, she rushed toward the clearing, at last close enough to see the clubhouse.

“Whoa! It’s working! It’s really working! YEAH! I’m coming inside!”

“Alright, he's almost in! I'll grab him by his hip and pull him inside while you two push! On the count of three!"

"One!"

"Two!"

"THREEEEE!"

“NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!” Applejack screamed at the top of her lungs! Bursting into the clearing, she focused her eyes on the doorway.

No ponies were in sight. Alas, she was too late.

“YEEEAAAH! I’m in! We did it! I’m inside the clubhouse!”

...Huh?

Apple Bloom opened the side window looking out toward the clearing. “Applejack? Is that you? Why are ya so dirty?”

Applejack glowered at her little sister for a moment. “I was about to ask… you…” As Applejack looked at her sister, she noticed that nothing seemed wrong or filthy about her. Her bow still looked neatly done, and her hair as well-kept as it had always been. Taking stock of the scene before her, the anger and accusations had surely died on the tip of her tongue.

“ ...what you were doing! Yes, that’s it! W-What ARE you doing?”

“My friends and I are solving cutie mark problems and we just brought our first client inside the clubhouse.” Apple Bloom raised an eyebrow. “Why do ya ask?”

“Oh, nothin! Just a big sister worrying about a little sister. Yep, me worrying about you, eheehee…” Applejack brushed the back of her mane with a hoof. “Well, uh, I guess I’ll just get back to work on those apples! They ain’t gonna harvest themselves.” She turned around, and started to trudge back to the abandoned cart. Guess it really was just all in my head. Heh. Better safe than sorry, though. That small reassurance brought a small smile to her lips. A smile caked in partially dried mud, but a smile nonetheless.

“Okay! Watch out for Jerry, sis!”

Applejack stopped for a brief moment, her left eye twitching just once. “Oh, I’ll watch out for him. I will.”

Apple Bloom waved her sister off, then turned back inside the clubhouse. Sweetie Belle and and Scootaloo crammed in on Bulk’s right flank and looked at her with curious expressions.

“Something happen with Applejack?” Sweetie Belle asked, sandwiched between the hulking Bulk and Scootaloo as Bulk tried to find a good spot to stand.

Apple Bloom shook her head. “Just my sis being weird and overprotective again, ah think.” Getting low to the ground, she crawled underneath Bulk’s, being mindful of his shifting steps.

“Was it something we said?” Scootaloo asked, shifting her wings slightly so Sweetie could fit better as she struggled to get snug against Bulk’s torso.

It didn’t really help that much, but Sweetie Belle appreciated the gesture with a small smile.

“Mmmmmmaybe,” Apple Bloom wheezed, crawling out from underneath Bulk’s left side and trying to find her footing as Bulk shifted again, this time pushing Apple Bloom closer to the wall to try and make more room for the fillies on his right. “I guess we said something that didn’t sit right with her.”

Sweetie Belle accepted that gesture with a heaping gasp of air. “Huff… You think she’ll tell you later?”

“One day, Sweetie Belle. One DAAAY! Ow! Bulk, you’re stepping on mah tail!”

“Whoops! Sorry.” Bulk shifted once more, and now he firmly put pressure on all three girls as he found the center of the room. Bulk looked around, taking in the small space, and grinned to himself. “I see why you guys hang out here. It’s cozy!”

As the pressure mounted upon all three fillies, it was all the effort they could muster to merely smile back at their thickly-built guest. Meanwhile, far off in the distance, an angry orange mare retrieved her hat and pulled her apples back to the homestead. She needed a bath, wanted some peace of mind, but most important of all…

She desired a good shovel... and a sharp axe.