The Origins of Sentient Life: As Narrated by Discord
In the beginning, there was something.
Then some other things did some stuff that led to more things.
Finally, the long, epic list of things I'm sure were very interesting but I haven't the slightest idea as to what 99.9330-zzzzz, sorry, numbers put me to sleep-as I was saying, very interesting stuff that I have mostly no idea what actually happened ultimately led to my dashingly handsome self, and thus existence cried out as it realized what it had been missing.
Or something like that.
What, you think that I happen to know exactly what that something is? Do you think that I am really that old? If it wasn't for the fact that I am a true gentledraconoquis, I'd do something to rectify such a thought. Probably involving onions.
What was I saying? Oh, yeah. There's plenty of things are older than I am: planets for one thing.
There are probably no planets worth going to that are younger than I am. All the interesting planets were formed well before I ended up on dear little Equestria, that quaint little rock in the northern end of the Milky Way Galaxy, as I'm told a rather interesting race calls it.
Oh, yes. I'm not native to Equestria you see: though I have been here longer than anything there has been able to think like a rational person (as they sadly lack the evolutionary capabilities to have an irrational mind).
Of course, I was trapped in stone for the majority of it, and surprisingly it was not always the doing of that pretty little pony princess and her merry band of do-gooders (although, I must admit Sunbutt looked the best doing it: I mean, no matter the species, dat ass...)
How did I end up in Equestira you may ask?
Why was I trapped in stone you may ask?
Where can you get the best tasting alcoholic beverage in at least this galaxy you may ask?
Well, as for the third one, just take a left at the nearest intersecting parallel lines and ask for Bob. He may have seventeen eyes, disturbing tentacles and more teeth than physically impossible, but he is really a nice fellow with a love of karaoke (you should see all seventeen mouths go at once) and is the best bartender the universe I've ever seen)........
Oh, wait, that was best alcoholic beverage in the parallel dimensions.....the best place to get hammered in this galaxy is Maccadam's. As for the other things, well, allow me to tell you silly primate thing, it's quite the the tale you see, it's nearly as neat as my own tail.
....
!The wonderful thing about Draconequses!
!Is Draconequses are wonderful things!
!Their tops are made out of everything!
!Their bottoms are made out of all things!
!They're slimy creepy fast and shiny!
!Fun, fun, fun, fun, fun!
!But the most wonderful thing about Draconequses is!
!I'm the only one!
!Oh, and I stole your ice cream!
....
Oh my, dreadfully sorry about that.
I appear to have accidentally caught that dreadful Equestrian tendency to spout out into song at random. It's like a disease really, next thing you know I'm going to be covered in pox and blue.
Well, could be worse: I could be purple or white with living rainbow hair.
It is really odd, isn't it. Most races in the universe don't do that, though I suppose that if they ever started up that Galactic Idol idea Amalgamous had the little ponies will probably dominate it.
Oh yeah, I also sort of kind of most definitely lied.
You say, I am not the only one of my kind. Probably still aren't, though I haven't actually met another one of my kind in ages.
Now, first off we aren't really called Draconequses. I just called myself that because I felt like it. So perhaps I was really telling the truth when I said I was the only Draconeques, because no one else calls themselves that.
It sounds cool you see. Plus, I sort of forgot what my race called itself.
The war makes you forget.
Oh yeah, the war. You probably want to find out about the war, and not about the time I decided to rename my entire race because I forgot what we used to call ourselves.
Wars are interesting after all: just ask a historian or a history teacher or anyone with histor in their title. They love wars more than that orange one likes her fruit.
....
Now, on that war thing.
See, there were a lot of my kind. We were a race who could alter reality around ourselves and about ourselves, a bit more complicated that most magics really, so none of us really looked alike.
I mean I have cloven hoofs, but I knew a guy who had lightning for hands. Another guy was perfectly symmetrical even if you cut him up into more pieces than that bookworm had friendship lessons, and he spent the entire time fighting with this really cool guy who was made of so many angles that I am pretty sure the very sight of him can drive a mathematician mad trying to name the number.
Oh, if I ever do meet him again perhaps I should introduce him to some smart ponies. If I could move my hands right now, I'd take a note of that.
Now how many of us were there? Huh, that is certainly a good question. We weren't numerous: we really didn't breed like Equestrians do, and from what I understand most forms of life reproduce like for that matter. We don't really bud, or clone, or burst out of a glowing gate as a glowing ball of joy that possesses a lifeless husk.
From the beginning, our total population remained the same. I can't quite remember how many, but I know it was an even number (yeah, I know, how nauseating. Odd numbers are so much better), and there were probably more members of Apple-Orange's kinfolk than I had in my entire race. Actually, scratch that: my species' numbers have nothing on the sheer number of new Apples and Oranges shot out of those clans' loins every year.
Then again, I guess you can say that about stucky nobles, decent nobles, good dance moves, and really interesting mountain cores.
We were divided right down the middle on a simple argument you see, a minor little argument that erupted into a absolute firestorm that led to the very war I am sure you are dying to find out about.
What was better: Chaos or Order.
Half of us thought that everything would be better if you made everything more chaotic, because it is just too boring to have things make sense.
The other half, the half of our race I do believe to be the biggest idiots in all of creation, thinks the opposite. Like complete mad....whatever we are, they seem to think that making everything seamless, continuous, and....bah, routine!
They had no sense of style, and frankly every facet of their beings-mind and body-bored me to tears.
The arguments started off as just that, arguments. Thankfully we evolved from political arguments to something more advanced: by punching each other across our old home world in the center of the galaxy.
Really, it's a nice place, the center of the galaxy. Good view of the giant black hole and all. A very pretty thing, that black hole. I called it Fred.
Then after we were done punching each other across our old planet, we went and started punching each other across other planets.
Because that was a thing we could do back then you see: go to other planets and hit one another on them. Variety in where you hurt your enemies is the spice of hurting your enemies after all.
Of course we all eventually stopped with the punching, and moved on to more advanced forms of fighting one another.
.....
Emerging split and cracked apart into chocolate marshmallows as I emerged from the waters of the ocean on one of my favorite worlds to duke it out on, I held a giant, bony fish in my arms like it was a blaster weapon, even as my magic circulated through the giant thing.
"Okay bub, this is my fish. There are a lot of fish like it on this world, but this is the only fish on the planet who transcended fishood to become...a rapid fire fish. Honestly, not much of an improvement, but eh, it works," Opening it's mouth wide, the fish began to spew out miniature versions of itself, jaws wide open, right at my opposite.
Said opposite, a member of my kind so drab that he doesn't even look distinct: lacking anything that really caught the eye at all beyond 'extreme minimalism', waved his hand in front of him, forming the most drab looking energy barrier I had even seen.
The fish impacted the barrier, and exploded into pure chaos particles on contact. They fell into the water below the two of us, and were probably eaten by something down in the depths.
"Error. Your actions are illogical." My opponent told me without any emotion in his voice.
"Ha! You say that like it's a shame. Being rational is simply irrational!"
"Your statement is self-depreciating."
"And my fish is self-reloading!"
He once more blocked all my smiling chaos doom fish, sending more chaos particles into the ecosystem of the developing world.
On occasion, he probably came out looking a bit better than I did.
On other occasions.....
....
With a giant club in one talon, I slammed an exploding rhubarb pie into my orderly foe's face with something like a bajilions Discords (patented unit of Chaos energy), sending him skidding across the soil of the planet that would one day become my party house and then prison: Equestria.
He left a river of shimmering, order-tainted blood behind him. It was rather disgusting really, silvery order-ooze. That couldn't have been good for the promising lifeforms of the planet: at least for those who didn't treat friendship as something more important that chaos, chocolate, or chaos chocolate.
....
......I was definitely the better one.
....
My superiority aside, our battles raged across the cosmos: on worlds big and small, of fire and ice, water and stone, and in one case a world entirely of shrimp (note: never fight a pitched battle in a world composed entirely of shrimp-it will take years to get the smell out of you skin) and sometimes with all those wonderful things.
Sometimes I had backup, other times he had a unfair numerical advantage over me (like a certain set of simply silly sod sifters set of six sheilas), and a few times we had a full team and got to skirmish.
It was a simply smashing event: too bad about the planet though.
But hey, the planet was just Megsy's favorite, it was nothing special. Oh, I'm sure he must be so annoyed at me for calling him Megsy. He always wanted to be given a proper Tronus, but really he's far more a Megsy than a Tronus if you ask me.
Or perhaps I should have just called him Meg. That sounds like a mocking name if there ever was one.
....
On a planet between my future prison/party house and my giant fish gun, there lay a planet.
It was one of many, but it was rather neat.
It was all metallic and shiny, and it had a bar in it.
Maccadam's.
I liked the place, and the cups were nice.
Sipping from one, all the metal vanished into my gullet, leaving only the local blue liquid that the locals liked so much. Ener....gizer? Ener-D? Something like that.
I smashed the liquid to the ground, where it turned into several dozen, small, flying creatures made of metal, with large purple eyes and, if you ignored their drill like teeth, could be mistaken for those wonderful Parasprite creatures.
"Another!" I shouted, forming a massive red cape for good measure. Because capes are the 4th best form of body adornment.
The bartender looked at me without amusement.
"Oh come on Alchemist....can I call you that? Perhaps Fullmetal, given that you are, well, metal....give me some more."
"You've had enough."
"Enough? Enough! There is never enough!"
"It's enough when you have damaged the place."
Swirling my chair around, despite later complaints by old Alchemist P. that the chairs were not supposed to do that (a chair that does not swivel should not exist unless it is a throne chair I say), to spy three more of Alchemists's kind enter the bar.
A horned guy with several arms (His name is Quintus: he's like if Sparkles was just as brilliant but had the attention span of Pinkie Pie in a dazzle factory, except when he's really annoyed at something. Sadly, he seems to be really annoyed at me, how annoying).
A dark guy with more black and red than the edgiest of the edgy (Old Megsy)
And the only female metal thing around these parts (Solus, very good with her hammer. Said hammer of course having a larger end to it than most Equestrians, except maybe Sunbutt and that Mac fellow).
"Oh you wound me Quintus. I seem to recall helping you guys fix that cave in the other year. I made it better, and gave you guys some armored deep-planet slugs with laser cannons on their backs. I think that earns me a lifelong membership into your little establishment here."
"That isn't what I am talking about." Quintus frowned.
"Oh?"
"You destroyed 5 planets in your little squabbles with the rest of your kind." Solus dryly pointed out. "Your war is getting out of hand."
"Well excuse me, but I didn't think anyone cared about those planets. Who even liked AOLon or Freezer 419 anyway?"
"That is not the point." Quintus noted "You've destroyed countless possibilities for life to evolve in new and interesting ways. There aren't enough forms of life in the universe as it stands at this moment in time: I wish to see more life, and you are not helping me achieve my desired end goals. This war of yours is getting in the way of countless forms of evolution: assuming you and your kind aren't crippling what remains?"
"Crippling?" Discord said in shock, even as he teleported over to Quintus with a cast on his right leg "I can say without any doubt that my little fish gun was just fine when I put him back. He just started to breathe a little green fire that's all."
"You're leaking chaos and order everywhere." Megsy growled, sounding like he had forgotten to take his happy pills this century, "You're causing entire evolutionary lines to lean to either Chaos or Order to your level of extreme."
"X-TREME!" Discord shouted, his chest suddenly stockier than anything naturally occurring in Equestria, covered in muscles and so many pouches that even Pinkie Pie would struggle to fill them all.
"...." Megsy facepalmed.
"This is no laughing matter. Assuming your race ever ends their spat the universe will only know peace until the races your war contaminated come to fruition and reach the stars. Civilizations will war across the stars, and countless trillions will die." Quintus stated direly.
"Countless huh? Then how do you know it will be trillions of deaths? Might just be 17 deaths."
"Regardless of how many will die, our tolerance is growing thin." Megsy glared, "I may personally think it would be best to slag all of you, most of us see it fit to let you develop past this on your own. However it will not take much more to convince us to act. And if we do act: you will end up like our own foe...."
"Yes yes, Unicorn. I know, I don't want to end up like Unicorn."
Unicorns. The bane of more than just me it would seem.
"His name was Uni...." I vanished, growing quite bored of this whole conversation. Plus, Megsy always hates me leaving him mid-rant.
.....
"Discord!"
Megsy also hates it when I mess with stars and planetary satellites. An odd quirk, that.
Said dark fellow was tapping his foot irritably, pointing a claw like hand into the sky of protoquestria the planet of my favorite games and my least favorite granite.
Up above, the sun and moon were pulsating odd colors.
"Yes?" I asked, even as I flipped through some dispatches from my fellows on the side of chaos, somewhat ignoring the guy.
"What. Did. You. Do!?"
""Oh, that thing? Must have hit it with something......oh well. It'll move normally for a few years. Probably," Discord yawned."After that, well I'm not going to lug the thing around."
"And this planet's moon!?"
".....My foe brought a friend with him, made entirely of reflective material. My magic bounced off. A lot."
"How dare you. How dare you come onto this planets with your war, and endanger life itself with your kind's little tug of war." I didn't even have to look over to see that Quintus had arrived, looking horrified.
"Well look at it this way: life on this planet will have to evolve either with eternal day, eternal night, or a narrow bit of both. Won't that be fun!" I vanished with a flourish, leaving both of them scowling at me.
Oh yes: I did do the 'Eternal Night' plot first. I also did that theoretical 'Eternal Day' thing that I'm sure someone in Equestria would have written about by now. Perhaps I should have checked for that last time I was free.
I'm sure it would be fairly interesting read.
Hmm. What would it be called?
"7 Easy Steps to not Burn Horribly in the Everlasting Sun?" or maybe "Welcome to Equestria: the Land with the Greatest Tan."
Actually, now that I think about it either idea would just be awful. Hopefully someone came up with something actually interesting. I remember one of my devoted followers-or just a crazy pony I'm not really sure and I'll be honest there wasn't much of a difference-was working on some Doomsday project to convert the entire world into chocolate. Now that's a fun idea.
Oh, are we lingering here too long? Well, just go below and you'll find a very obvious scene break. Or you could just stay here and listen to the glories of moi, such as the time I-
....
With a VRUMP VRUMP, I was kicked out of a transport which itself was fading away as if it was never there on a remote, rather open desert planet. (Give this place some roads and I say you could run some pretty good races here).
Shaking my claw at the departing scene break, I glared. "Now, that's just rude! When I suggest a scene break, I don't mean immediately jump to it. Oh well, where were we? Oh, this place. And...here's the timeline.
Shaking my fist, I glared at where the transport had been in frustration "I didn't like your planet to begin with! I hope you all die in a war with living pepper shakers or something!"
Popping up with a bit of teleportation, I felt the spark of curiosity course through my veins. Living pepper shakers huh....
"No."
In a burst of light, another of Alchemist, Quintus, Solus, and Megsy's pals appeared before me: this one with a white coloration, a bit of a gears and clockwork motif (he,I generally call him Vector by the way, had a bit of a time thing going on, sort of like how Solus was good at making things, Quintus was a big fan of life itself, and Megsy had his anger problems), and a large blue sword he was currently pointing at my face.
"Oh come on, I was just thinking about...."
"No."
"Just because you have this time thing going for you doesn't mean you know everything, now Vector old chum, why don't you tell me about the fut....."
"No." he vanished again, much like those jerk-lords from earlier, but without the rather cool sound effect.
"Spoilsport."
.....
A lizard poked it's head out of the rocks, only to be fried by lasers as a battle raged.
"Eat my turtle laser!" I shouted, as my giant energy turtle was thrown right at my rival.
His name is Perfection by the way. I know, what a terrible name.
Said Perfection and all his non-descriptive glory extended an open palm, blocking my turtle laser like it was nothing.
"Cease." He stated as he fired his own energy blast my way.
I vanished from the path of fire, said blast leveling a mountain behind me as I appeared above him, wearing what I do believe would later be called clogs.
I promptly began dancing on the fool's head, playing a tune on a pair of bagpipes.
He responded by slamming me into the ground without a single cartoony action, before he formed a glowing energy blade and stabbed me with it.
Or would have, if it I did not have my own glowing energy chainsaw to block it!
I bounced out, quickly attacking with my glowing energy chainsaw, that was now on fire with purple flames. He blocked it with his boring old energy blade, causing both weapons to explode into huge bursts of chaos and order energy.
It flew everywhere across the planet, including the local reptilian creatures. As the energy wave passed, I noticed dozens of them popping up all around us, all looking rather dazed from the energy surge.
"You will be terminated. Your existence is erroneous." Perfection declared, even as he formed a giant ball of Order to hit me with.
"I am Error!" I countered, forming a giant ball of pulsating chaos to counter him with.
Our giant balls collided with all our power, sending an powerful explosion across the entire planet.
As the smoke cleared, the two of us stood: unharmed. Which was good for me, but not good that he wasn't harmed.
"....arm....."
A lizard garbled.
".....arm....."
The next lizard made the same noise.
"....arm...."
All around the two of us, those lizard things were making the same noise, at the same pitch, and weren't looking all that good to begin with. I'm probably sure they would make that little shy pegasus cry, they were that pitiful looking.
"Yes yes, you all don't have arms and we do: now could you die already. I have a battle to win." I told the damn things, even as one lizard began to peel apart at the seams.
As were all his little lizard friends.
Out of the lizards oozed out a black, cloud like substance. It began to rise up, forming a giant ominous cloud above us.
Streams of more black cloud began to form into it from all over the planet, apparently from all the little sickly lizards.
The cloud soon got really, really big....and began to form countless, chaotic orderly shapes (yeah, it was that sort of wrong). In the center of the shapes, a giant mouth formed.
The mouth promptly completed what the lizards had begun.
"...Arm....Warm....SWARM!" the cloud declared, even as it began to extend it's tentacles, arms, and other such limbs towards the two of them.
"Error. That thing is Error." Perfection stated the obvious.
....
Spoilers, I lived through that. Wasn't fun though, but let me tell you I'm never going back to that planet.
Or the one next to it.
Or the one next to the one next to it.
You know, I just won't go to any planet near that thing, let's just say that.
....
I froze mid sip of delightful porcelain, and a shiver ran up my pinkie claw and ended behind my eye
"I sense a disturbance in the fun."
"Fun? I will never understand your obsession with such a word." a silky smooth voice, a better talker than even I at times, wafted through the air of the planet Spensifax G (According to what Vector mentioned one day while high on some good ener...what's it, this planet would see the evolution of intelligent 'Space Yeti'. Pity I never got to see them. Certainly better than Spensifax F's 'Chessmen' that the guy also mentioned would evolve as well, though that Space Yeti-Chessmen space war sounded rather neat) where I was currently avoiding that freaky swarm thing.
That's when I saw him walk towards me: another of Alchemist/Solus/Megsy's set. He was a diabolical cape and horns: the sort of thing that would look on that human movie star Tom Hiddelston.
"Liego Maximo."
Said Liego topped a few feet away from him, eyeing me with interest "In the metal."
"So, here to lecture me about that swarm thing? Because if you are....." a pair of giant earmuffs formed around Discord's ears, "I demand you also bother Perfection as well about it."
"Lecturing you is pointless." Liego noted dryly, "No, I am here to suggest that your kind end your war as soon as possible."
"What do you expect me to do about that? Even if I suddenly broke into a rash and unexpected change of heart without a musical number before the 22 minute mark, that doesn't mean my fellows in chaos are going to do the same. Plus I can't live with the idea of giving Perfection and his blah band the satisfaction of victory."
"No, that is not what I am suggesting. I am suggesting, that for the good of the universe, that your kind agree to one final battle. Winner take all: Chaos or Order. Whoever wins, decides the fate of the universe."
"A climactic showdown you say...." Discord tapped his beard; colors changing rapidly to the point epileptic seizures were a real concern. "That does sound....intriguing."
"Prove yourself superior to the other, or inferior. Let your battles come to an end, and without casualty of another world of life. If I may....offer a suggestion: the world of Trenzalore will be an optimal battlefield....."
"Trenzalore?"
"Trenzalore."
"No.....not really feeling that as a place to fight my fated fight." Discord shook his head, his new bow-tie and checked scarf shaking with him, "I think that planet is taken for climatic battles, and I'd hate to be unoriginal. Perhaps the planet Quintessa. Yes, Quintessa. I feel like Quintessa will do just nicely."
"Quintessa....." Liego nodded, accepting my suggestion. "Yes, that'll do. I shall speak to all of your kind. Quintessa in a week: only one side will leave that planet alive. The losers, will no longer bring destruction to the universe."
In hindsight, I should have thought a bit more about the choice of losers in his words instead of loser.
While one could argue about grammar, losers implies two or more failing.
....
From a distance, Quintessa was a twisted, mangled looking planet that was lopsided, disproportioned, and oddly lumpy.
I rather liked it. It was so.....chaotic looking. I probably liked looking at it as much as Skittlemane likes looking in a mirror.
On one side of the planet I stood: flanked by all my fellows in chaos in a unorganized mass. We had gathered here for the good of the universe (the universe wants us to make it neater), and would not fail.
On the other side of the planet, in a perfectly symmetrical formation, stood our opponents. The order lovers.
"When you are bested, this planet will be corrected." Perfection stated matter of factly.
"When you beat us? Ha! You couldn't beat an egg!" with that in mind, I snapped my fingers and a giant fire-breathing egg with spider legs and pincer claws formed over Perfection.
He merely backhanded my marvelous egg-monster away.
"Correction. I have beaten your egg."
"I haven't even begun to fight." Discord stated as he and all the other Chaos masters charged forward like a mob.
The Order forces responded by marching professionally forward.
Chaos magic formed various weapons around each warrior: clubs, boxing gloves, snarling boar heads, water guns, and much less tame offerings.
The Order side only had swords, guns, and other bland thing-a-ma-jigs.
Shouting, I lunged at Perfection with my own weapon of choice today.
A drill.
A Man's Weapon!
"Eat this!" The drill spun right at Perfection's face, ready to finally end this.
"Never!" he declared, blocking my drill with a shield.
The resulting confrontation briefly inverted the colors of nearby space.
I prepared to lunge at him again, when I froze.
We were all frozen.
And we couldn't juts 'let it go'. We were really stuck that way.
A blue glow restrained all of us, preventing any movement.
We could not teleport, we could not shrink or grow out of the way. We were helpless.
We were trapped.
And I really had an itchy nose just then.
"Whoever is responsible for this, release us!" one of the Order Sentai demanded, even as several lights began to form in front of them.
13 in fact.
I glared as I realized who was responsible for this!
".....I am afraid, that we cannot do that." Liego spoke as he and all his buddies popped before them.
Solus looked solemn, Alchemist looked resolved, Vector looked serious, and Megsy....
Oh he had the most infuriating smirk ever!
"We have watched your war for far too long: we cannot allow you to damage the universe and life itself any more! As such, we have called upon our own power to end it, forever."
"Ha! You tin-cans thing you can restrain us!?" One of my fellows in chaos declared, as his 12 dimensional body shimmered, only for him to be shocked and set back to his default state.
"Perhaps not....but we serve a higher power than you. Your power is nothing compared to our creator!"
Oh yeah, someone made these guys. A Prim....ape or something? Primetime?
But damn, that big P really did make good energy restraints.
"With his power, we have judged what must be done!"
My eyes went wide as, for the first time, I began to lose feeling in my body.
My feet were turning to stone, and it the condition was spreading. And not even with a cool rainbow background.
"You will be banished across the universe. Where one of you made a world overwhelmed with the powers of chaos, an order one of you will be entrenched. Where order went out of control, a chaos being will go. Your energies will establish what can be made of an equilibrium, stabilizing that planet's lifeforms for all of time. Now, prepare to...."
Thankfully at that point my ears and eyes were now a gray rocky stone, and thus I didn't have to listen to Maximo anymore.
....
Well, you know how the story goes. I end up in Equestria, I fix it up a bit, a pair of princesses blow me back to stone, I escape again, then six other.....
Oh yeah, how did I get free you ask? How did I break the spell of the creator of the 13 and become so famed in Equestrian history?!
.....
Huh, come to think of it I don't exactly know how I did that.
It was probably my awesome genius.
Or just luck.
Well regardless, I do hope I get out of this stone prison soon. I am pretty sure a pigeon is using me as a roost as we speak....and I think a Changeling was nibbling on my leg.
Author's Note
1: Yes, Discord did in fact use a Dunkleosteus as a machine gun.
2: X-TREME DISCORD is done in the Rob Liefeld art style. I'm sure someone's drawn him like that by this point
3: Recall Loki's getup and you get an idea of Liego Maximo.
4: Have fun naming every reference I put in here.