Put on your Robe(s) and/or Wizard Hat(s)

by Fiddlove Enfemme

Rating: teen
Tags: Random, Adventure, Discord, Princess Celestia, Crossover, Human, Princess Luna, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Comedy, Other
Length: 8506

A group of one to four wizards is tasked with protecting Equestria. The one to four wizards are less than competent at their new job, "Protecting" the population.

Stay a while and listen, and I will tell you a story. A story of Dungeons and Dragons, of Orcs and Goblins, of Ghouls and Ghosts, of Kings and Quests, but most importantly -- of Wizards and Vamp -- Well... A story of Wizards.

Once upon a time, in a land known as Midgård...

There lived a powerful Wizard named Grimnir, who sought to harness the power of all Magicks -- ancient spells, crafted in times long forgotten. With such knowledge he might enable the wizards of the Order of Magick to spread eternal peace across the lands...

But the Order of Magick instead felt threatened by his ambitions, and in the shadows they schemed, and devised a treacherous plan...

...and so, Grimir's disciples were expelled from the Order, and he himself was, for all time, imprisoned at World's End. All because of his dangerous lust for knowledge.

Grimnir's dangerous ambitions dashed, the world was safe once more... Aside from the increased number of monsters attacking the good villagers.

And of course, the warlord Khan, who had united the orc tribes, and now threatened the great city of Havindr.

But in the dusty gloom of Castle Aldrheim, where the Order of Magick dwelled, a brilliant teacher and his finest pupils were about to embark on a journey that would prevent the world from changing... ... Forever...

The vampire old and powerful wizard Vlad had successfully guided the one to four wizards of various colourations to triumph against Grimnir, destroying both him and the daemon that fed his powers.

The wizard(s) enjoyed a quiet life after returning to Castle Aldrheim, grooming their new grey beards, waxing poetic, lamenting how things used to be, solved a mystery involving missing fish and Cthulhu, and poetically lamenting how Cthulhu wasn't half the eldritch abomination he used to be.

But then miraculously, near the end of their years, a miraculous miracle happened. Their age was miraculously reversed in a miracle to several decades previously, when they were young and spry and capable of saving the world. It was a miracle. A very miraculous miracle.

The one to four wizards quickly gathered up their traveling supplies, which was easy since they never put them away, and gave their farewells to Castle Aldrheim...

Published 2016-06-15 21:30:02 UTC
Last updated 2016-09-06 00:12:21 UTC

Chapter One: Thinking with Portals

A group of four wizards walked along a forest path; the path was one they knew well, as they had traveled it a grand total of three times. Every time they had traveled this path, they had been assaulted by goblins looking for "Shinies". For the uninformed, goblins are quite similar to magpies, where they compulsively hoard shiny objects. Even though magpies don't actually hoard shiny objects. They're more like dragons, I suppose.

The four wizards were tall, proud, and a venerable rainbow of colours. Alright, they were only in four colours. On the left, the Red wizard; proud, courageous, and a little impulsive. On the right, the Blue wizard; thoughtful, secretive, and just a tad antisocial. In the middle was the Green wizard; friendly, open, and a natural mediator. Lagging a bit behind the others was the Yellow wizard; geeky, unfit, and currently being used as a pack animal.

Unsurprisingly, the goblins were waiting for them, again. If only they knew a better route through the forest, this wouldn't happen to them. The goblin leader leaped out in front of them as usual and shouted "ROBES! They stupid enough to come down here a fourth time! Get their shinies!" Goblins are also famously bad at counting.

Red took a quick look at the goblins and made up his mind. He sprinted at the goblins, blunt sword raised high and wizard staff already conjuring up elements. An exploding fire rock (earth and fire magicks) was queued up to fire as soon as he gave the command.

He sent the rock flying into the goblins. At point blank range. Blue sighed and facepalmed, while Green and Yellow got out sausages and toasted them over the now burning goblin and Red corpses. Blue reluctantly fired up the revive spell (lightning and life magicks) and returned Red back to the world of the living. He collected his Aristo-Staff from his corpse, which he had originally pried from the cold dead hands of the goblin's aristocratic leader. He left the blunt sword where it lay, and retrieved a Frost Cleaver that had been used by one of the goblins.

To tell the truth, they were quite bored of being young already. Yellow sat down on a log and sulked about his prized beard, and Green sat beside Yellow to comfort him. Red and Blue were silently arguing a short distance away over their next course of action. They had done the same routine three times before, mind you. It just wasn't the same, there was something missing.

Far, far away from our intrepid wizarding band, a whole universe away in fact, trouble was brewing.

"But Celestia!"

"No, Discord. Our decision is final."

"It's not fair! Why can't it be someone else?"

In a place you should all know well, Canterlot, Discord was arguing with Celestia and Luna over their decisions again. The sisters had agreed to go to a summit of all the leaders of the world. They needed a way to keep Discord out of trouble until they returned.

"We've explained this to you. All you do is throw a tantrum when we even mention it," said Luna.

Discord scowled, and said "What about Cadence? She's a princess too!"

"Cadance and her husband are going to the summit too. The Crystal Empire is its own country now, with a constitution, senate, and voting body." Celestia sighed, "And no, even if they were available, they would be too busy managing their assets. And with a new child in the family..."

"What about Twilight? Can't she take charge? She's your student, isn't she?" Discord pleaded.

"She's a princess in her own right. And even then, she's not ready for the responsibility of managing Equestria." said Celestia.

"This is another test, isn't it? Making sure I'm reformed by pretending to give me control of Equestria, while you monitor my actions and turn me into a statue when I cause chaos?"

Luna rolled her eyes at him "Please. Fluttershy is more than capable of keeping you under control."

"Then why isn't she in charge, hmm?" accused Discord.

"Fluttershy is a kind pony, and good at keeping you from temptation, but she wouldn't last long in global politics." countered Celestia.

"Which is to say, she would have ceded half of Equestria in trying to keep everyone happy." sighed Luna.

"Luna!" scolded Celestia.

Luna practiced her eye rolling in Celestia's direction "No offense sister, but you nearly did that the first time Mother let you take charge."

"But I wanted to go to the summit too!" whined Discord, "I planned all year, even my tighty whities were packed!"

"Only to play pranks on the attendees that would harm our reputation abroad," said Luna, "Even if they did no lasting harm."

"Besides Discord, it will build character." Celestia assured, "We're already late as it is. We will see you at the end of the month."

"No, wait!" Discord shouted - but it was too late. The sisters had already teleported away. The only reason Discord couldn't do the same was that Fluttershy had started managing his health again; he had gained a lot of weight recently, and was now on a strict weight loss regimen.

"Well, that puts a dent in my plans," he mused, "Those snob-headed princesses with their heads swelled up in the clouds. I'll show them; I'll show how much trouble I can cause, without changing a thing!" and off he walked to the depths of the Canterlot Keep.

He passed the numerous Royal Residences, ranks of guards on patrol, secret black-ops projects, underused (At least in his opinion) dungeons, the treasure vaults, the training grounds, not necessarily in that order. Eventually, tired and drenched in sweat, he reached the artifacts room. This room held dangerous, unstable, or forgotten relics, curios, and treasure. The sheer amount of loot would astound even the most seasoned adventurer. There were even some items crossed over from other dimensions were stored here, never to see the light of day. Discord passed by the iconic blue telephone box, a set of all sets containing itself, through the famous M.C. Escher staircase, past several works of Renaissance art, several marble statues, an alien saucer, a plain cardboard box, and several stacks of joke books (He read some of them for a laugh).

After some time of searching, he encountered the device. An ancient machine, able to tunnel through dimensions to return the found items. It could also bring items back. It wasn't that far of a stretch to say it could also take and return people. Most of the time.

Discord cracked his joints (all of them), and looked at the device's control panel. "Ooops," he said, as he pressed buttons at random. "This'll mix things up a bit," he said as the device churned to life. A controlled wormhole opened, to an unknown dimension.

"Oh, Celestia will be soooooo mad at me for this!"

The four wizards were in dire straits.

All of a sudden, as if it were the command of a chaotic being from another dimension, a demonic portal opened. Hellish beings from alternate dimensions poured through, and the wizards were fighting for their lives.

Tentacled horrors, daemons, demons, Xenomorphs, Necromorphs, the Flood, the Locust, Special Infected, Darkspawn, Animatronics, Orcs, Orks, the other Orcs, the other other Orcs, Uruks, Daedra, and Zombies of all varieties. As the valiant wizards disabled or killed one being, another four replaced it. The hordes pressed ever closer, with even Blue, their most proficient spell caster, reduced to randomly conjuring elements.

Slowly, the horde ebbed away, their numbers spent by the wizard's brave efforts. Red stood triumphantly on a pile of corpses, Blue was analysing the corpses, Green was cleaning up the corpse, and Yellow was still wildly flinging spells. Blue completed his analysis, and moved on to the portal. He peered closely at it, seeing the infinite dimensions displayed within. This would have fried his brain after a few more seconds if Yellow hadn't happened to accidentally cast the Portal spell. Blue shook off the encroaching madness, and studied the modified portal instead.

The normal Portal spell produces a blue portal, and an orange portal. For whatever reason, the existing portal had been overwritten and strengthened by the Portal spell. On this end, the orange end, Blue could look through and see the Lord of Chaos himself. On the other end, the blue end, Discord could look through and see a blue robed figure. How strange.

"Well don't just stand there, come in! Make yourself at home!," proclaimed Discord to the Blue wizard, who gestured to the other wizards to follow. A couch materialised beside Discord, which he patted, offering to the Blue wizard. "I warmed it up for you," invited the draconequus. Then the Red wizard followed through the portal, plunking himself down in the offered seat. Bewildered, Discord said "Two wizards?". Then Green walked in, very pleased with having cleaned the whole battlefield in under five minutes. He pulled up a chair next to the sofa, leaving the final sofa seats for Blue and Yellow. "Three wizards?". Blue sat comfortably on the edge of the sofa. Yellow came charging in, fired off random spells through the portal, and launched himself over the couch. "Four wizards? Four is the number of the day, ah ha ha!" cackled Discord.

They sat around awkwardly, while Yellow beat up artifacts and relics in the background. Discord tried to make conversation, but the wizards said nothing, never blinked, and didn't drink their tea or knit. Eventually, they just sat around in near-silence. "You don't talk much, do you?" the Lord of Chaos observed.

Out of nowhere came a reply, "[ALL] Do you have Skype?".

"Ehm, what?"

Again, "[ALL] Skype. Video chat service? Ringing any bells here?"

"No. Never heard of it." said Discord

"[ALL] We can chat through Steam too. What's your account name?"

"Uh, XxXl0rdx0fxCH40SXxX."

"[ALL] Alright, forget Steam. Do you have Teamspeak or Discord?"

"I AM Discord!"

"[ALL] You're not a voice/video chat service."

"No, I'm Discord, as in the Lord of Chaos."

"[ALL] We're gonna switch from Private to Game chat mode."

And then, like a voice from the heavens, the Red wizard said, "Lord of Chaos, can you hear me?"

Before Discord could answer Yellow, still flinging spells, shouted, "THEY'RE ALL OVER ME! I NEED BACKUP!"

Red turned to Yellow and yelled, "YELLOW DAMN IT! THERE ARE NO ENEMIES IN HERE! YOU CAN STOP SHOOTING SHIT"

"WELL THEY'RE STILL THERE FOR ME" he yelled back.

Blue pushed a non-existent pair of glasses up his nose as he explained, "Yellow has a really slow connection. He keeps saying he'll upgrade his router but never does. Then we have a dilemma, do we leave him to improve our connections but lose a team member, or keep him but lose our good connections? In interests of efficiency, I choose the former."

Green answered right away, "Never choose technology over friendship."

Blue shook his head, "The numbers don't lie."

Red rolled his eyes, "I hate Yellow. I've never hid that. Get rid of him."

Yellow sat down on the couch in a sweat, having killed whatever it was he was fighting and said, "We discussed this, guys! This is only temporary until I get my new router. It'll be ready any day now!"

Green spoke to Discord, "You just caused a lot of trouble getting us here, Lord of Chaos. What's the emergency?"

"Just call me Discord. so, I'm ruling this country, Equestria. I need someone to watch it over while I go to a summit of world leaders," The Lord of Chaos replied.

Green considered this proposition, while Blue asked, "What are the duties of the ruler? How large is Equestria? Are there any contingency plans for the instance in which Red and Yellow inexplicably destroy everything? Twice?"

Red shouted exasperatedly "Hey! I only destroyed the castle once while trying to kill Yellow!"

"Do we get cookies?" asked Yellow eagerly. Discord snapped his fingers and in popped a fresh, steaming tray of chocolate chip cookies for Yellow. He happily set to munching them one by one. Blue took a cookie skeptically, and sampled it before placing it in a plastic bag for future consumption. Green shared half the cookies with Red, to keep him from stealing Yellow's share of the cookies.

"The ruler basically just sits around all day, listening to complaints from the peasants and raising the sun ever-"

"WAIT! Raising the sun?" shouted Blue.

Discord sighed, "Long ago, the planet's orbit began decaying. The leaders of nations held a summit, and decided that the best solution was to appoint one of their number to ritualistically devote a portion of their powers to correcting the orbit on a centennial basis. In fact," he quickly thought up a lie, "Most of my power is tied up into moving the planet through space every day. Equestria has no formal border, but is recognized to extend over several hundred square kilometres. It's more of a county of a greater country, to be honest. Not even worth marking on the map as separate. And yes, there are contingency plans for the destruction of all or part of Equestria."

Yellow raised his hand, "Can we throw parties?"

"What? Why do you want to throw parties?" sputtered Discord.

"I just want to know if we can. For future reference?" Yellow shrugged.

"Sure. Whatever," dismissed Discord, "I'm going to be late for the summit if you keep this up! I may be the physical embodiment of Chaos, but I have no real power over Time. Only a small influence, and I have to work hard for that."

Blue piped up again, "If we have any issues, who should we contact?"

Discord smiled and said "If you have problems, just click your heels together and say 'There's no place like home' three times."

"That only works with silver or ruby slippers, depending on which rendition of the Wizard of Oz you prefer." Blue pointed out.

Discord sighed angrily, "Ugh, if you must have a direct line to me, take my horn here," he said as he took off one of his mismatched horns, "Use it just like a telephone. Or do I have to explain those too?"

Yellow raised his hand, "How do telephones work?"

Discord groaned and snapped his fingers, then disappeared.

"It was a legitimate question!"

Chapter Two: Electric Boogaloo

The four wizards sat around a table, discussing their plan for managing Equestria.

"I'm the host, so I should be in charge!" boasted Red.

"But I want a turn in charge too!" protested Yellow.

Green looked between Red and Yellow, not wanting to give leadership to either of them. "Why don't we just get along and work together?"

"Not an option!" proclaimed Red.

"It's my turn now anyway." Yellow said.

"Let's compromise. Everyone gets a quarter of Equestria to rule over. And Red," Blue compromised as Red began to protest, "Don't conquer Yellow's quarter. That's cheating.

"We'll divide Equestria in four according to the directions, along the North-East, North-West, South-East, and South-West. The East will be Red's quarter, West is Yellow's, North is Green's, and South is mine. Both East and West border an ocean, the North borders a mostly frozen wasteland with one "Crystal Kingdom". The South borders a desert and has a contested area with several Bison, Gryphon, and Zebra tribes. Any questions?"

"Does my quarter have rubber ducks?" asked Yellow.

"It has all the rubber ducks you can buy with your share of Equestria's funds," said Blue. Yellow clapped gleefully. Red only glared at Yellow.

Suddenly, a royal guard poked his head in. "Discord, could you come he...what is going on in here?" he asked bewilderedly.

Yellow stood and ran over to the guard, frightening him. "We're wizards! We help people!"

Green walked over to Yellow, and shook the guard's hoof. "Greetings, Equestrian citizen. We're your new rulers."

Red scowled and walked over too. "Oh great, a talking horse. When was that ever original?"

Blue also walked up to the guard. "Are there any stockpiles of crude bitumen or gunpowder?

"I-uh-I only w-w-work here. You have the wrong st-stal-stallion!" the nervous guard said.

"Do you, or do you not have the requested items?""Do you need helping?""Are you looking for a handout or something?""A pleasure to meet a working class fellow such as yourself!" the wizards all said at once. The guard visibly began stressing out, and fled down the corridor outside of their conference room.

"After that horse!" commanded Blue.

Yellow chased the horse with a vengeance. With every twist, turn, double-back, and fake out that the guard made, Yellow was right there. He continued to follow until the young guard stallion reached the throne room. "Come back here at once!" shouted Yellow at the top of his lungs. The pony crashed through the enormous double doors, interrupting a group of lobbying nobles. Yellow decided that the best way to catch him was to fling spells wildly until he hit him. A flying flame rock and lightning strike annihilated the unfortunate nobles, who were about to mandate the construction of brown zircon goods.

This sudden danger encouraged the guard to greater speeds. Yellow could almost touch him... and the poor guard pitched himself off of a balcony. Yellow, in a stroke of genius, leaped after him. Unfortunately, it is well known wizards cannot fly as well as pegasi, and he fell into the castle gardens instead. A terrible amalgam of several elements were conjured up, and subsequently fired off in a spectacular explosion. Yellow was gibbed, his belongings were strewn across the garden, and several garden goers were disturbed by little bits of yellow wizard.

Blue, Green, and Red were close behind him, but stopped at the balcony, surveying the smear that Yellow had left. The hapless royal guard had luckily landed in the upper branches of a large tree. Red shouted in glee "He's dead again! Now we can actually get stuff done!"

Blue cued up a tractor beam spell to reclaim Yellow's fallen items, namely the rare staff and sword that Yellow had been using.

Green looked down at the treed guard and asked him "Are you okay down there?"

The guard looked around in a panic and nearly passed out when he saw the trio of wizards on the balcony above him. "Just leave me alone, just leave me here forever." he rasped

Green, being of the sort to respect anothers wishes, did so, and instead resurrected Yellow with a quick Revive spell. "Took you long enough!" said Yellow, happy to be alive again. Blue handed Yellow his lost items, and led the group back to the map room.

Blue addressed the gathered wizards "Now, there needs to be a central location for us to rule from. I've done the math, and the geographical centre of Equestria is... hang on," he trailed off

"What is it, Blue?" asked Green.

"That can't be right! According to my calculations, the geographical centre of Equestria is this tiny little town." Blue gestured at a small, almost insignificant town near an untamed expanse of forest.

Red gasped "What? There's no badass castle to rule from?"

Green began thinking aloud "Small town means small population, which means a tighter knit community. Might be hard to fit into the scheme of things there."

Yellow said nothing, but planted a small flag into the town on the map, which was named Ponyville.

Author's Note

dun dun DUN

Chapter 3: Arrival

It was a beautiful day for travel. The sun was out, birds were singing, flowers were blooming and those four wizards were arguing again.

"I'm just saying, the basic staff is all you need to be a good wizard."

"No, no no! Why can't you get it through your thick skull, Green? Statistically, any staff is better than the default! A pre-cued quick-cast spell, passive effects! The basic staff has NOTHING going for it. Even the Staff+1 is better than it!"

"Quit your ranting, Blue. I, for one want to have a peaceful walk." commanded Red.

The four intrepid wizards had packed only the essentials. And by essentials I mean they forced the castle staff to take anything and everything they thought would help them in the new capital. Red brought the contents of the castle treasury and some cool looking paintings. Green brought items that could be used to buy favour with the townsfolk. Yellow...uh...took the contents of the castle kitchen. And Blue had brought several powerful artifacts from the treasure vault they had entered Equestria from. Unfortunately, he had me, AKA the narrator, sign a non-disclosure agreement, so I can't tell you which ones they were.

"Yellow! You'll support me in this one, right?"

"I'm busy!" Yellow shouted from the back of the convoy.

"What about you, Royal Guard?"

"Why did you take me with you? Just kill me now. Please." the guard moaned

"We'll get to that later. Now give me an answer." Blue ordered.

The guard dodged the question "Are we there yet?"

Green smiled and said "We'll be there soon."

Blue looked around and replied "Based on the environment, we're just now exiting the area known as the "Everfree Forest. We'll soon be reaching the outskirts of the Apple Family East Orchard, primary holding of the Apple Family Estate."

"Wow. Blue, you really are a nerd." congratulated Red.

"Shut it, Red. I've only done a bit of light reading. I wouldn't know about which trees produce Zap apples and which produce the typical apples."

The guard perked up his ears "Wait, did you say we're in the Everfree Forest?"

"A large expanse of untamed wilds featuring magical, and sometimes mythical creatures? Yes." replied Blue.

"Dear Celestia! We've got to get out of here! Manticores, Hydra, Ursas, Cockatrice, Parasprites, Timberwolves!"

"Quit your yapping, fool. We've fought worse." snapped Red.

"Wh-wha-?"

Blue spoke matter of factly, "Try Beholders, Goblins, Trolls, Undead, Elementals, Beastmen, Orcs, Daemons, Dwarves, rival Wizards, Jormungandr, Fafnir, Assatur"

"That last one was more of an accident. But, otherwise we are more than qualified to keep you safe from whatever silly creatures live here." Green piped up.

"Don't forget giant spiders, several demons, and Cthulhu!" shouted Yellow.

"If you're listening to our conversation, then why didn't you take a side when I asked you earlier?" Blue yelled.

"Because I'm very busy at the back of the convoy!" Yellow shouted.

Three wizards and a worn out royal guard looked at eachother in shock. Yellow, working on something? Yellow, who was always the wizard at the back of the classroom, goofing off while the teacher taught important lessons? Yellow, who never did anything noteworthy other than tag along with the competent wizards that just so happened to save the world? Unthinkable. Unbelievable. Inconceivable. Extremely unlikely.

But, when the confused guard et wizards went to the back of the convoy, there was Yellow, working hard on keeping the loose items that fell out the back of the convoy wagons from being lost. Blue pinched himself, Green clapped for Yellow, the guard cowered in fear, and Red shook his fist in anger. Not to be outdone, Red joined in. He took every opportunity to sabotage Yellow's efforts and gain an edge. Blue, the guard, and Green returned to the front of the convoy.

"Ah, on our left we should now be seeing the Apple farm." commented Blue.

The Everfree Forest melted away, and up ahead, true to Blue's prediction, there was the Apple farm. Of course, the large convoy had raised a cloud of dust over the road, and there were several curious ponies waiting to see what was coming down the beaten track. The local branch of the Apple family, pun intended, was present, the farmhooves were present, and several of the outlying farmers had also come.

"Ah hope they get 'ere soon. Me bones 're gettin' sore just standin' here"

"Granny, you do have a perfectly good chair to sit dow-"

"Ah won't stand for it! Ah've greeted visitors to these parts standin' perfectly fine for all me life, and ah won't stahp now!" said the elderly Granny Smith.

Apple Bloom muttered under her breath, "You's said that for all my life too."

Big Mac and Applejack, ever the entrepreneurs, had set up their booth, and were planning to sell all kinds of Apple products, pun intended, to the coming convoy. They had also sent word ahead to the town proper of the convoy, by way of Pinkie Pie, so that preparations would be made for the convoy. Ponyville would make a logical stop at this time of day, as there was a train station, mail service, ample sleeping space, surplus food stocks, not to mention that it's the only stop for kilometres around.

"...and that's the story of how we destroyed Assatur."

"Really?"

"Every ounce of it is true." said Green.

"The cheese shortage?" asked the guard.

"Poor Baleyg never stood a chance."

"The weapon made from a paperclip and a shotgun?"

Blue rolled his eyes, "Yellow didn't stop crying for weeks after we lost it. Look over there, a welcoming party. Seems to consist mostly of farmers, maybe even the Apple family themselves."

The guard opened his eyes wide "You can tell all that just from looking at them?

"Of course. The majority are muscular, many of them have uneven tans. That one has a straw hat, the one beside him has a piece of grass in his mouth, those two are running a stand selling apple products," Blue gestured to each farmer as he pointed out their characteristics, "That one has a cart of hay, she's got panniers of apples," he smiled "Just like how people instantly recognise a wizard. Robes, a staff, a weapon."

Blue ordered the convoy to stop with a loud "HALT CONVOY! Rest break, thirty minutes TOPS!" They followed suit with a loud CRASH!

The tired castle staff were more suited to cleaning a castle, cooking a feast, delivering meals, and dressing nobles than pulling large wagons. But nonetheless, they unhitched themselves from their loads. Blue ordered them to pool their funds, and he quickly calculated the most efficient purchases to make from the Apple family. He listed off exactly what he wanted, how he wanted it, and when he wanted it.

Green, on the other hand, was off mingling with the farmers and exhausted castle staff. "Hi, How are ya? Nice to meet you! Name's Green. I'm a wizard. Wonderful weather we're having. What's the crop like these days?" and so on, and so forth. Eventually, he met with the Apple family. "This is a very nice orchard you have going here. Trees for miles. How do you harvest it all?"

"Ya see, me'n Big Macintosh here go out in the fields for most of the day. We give 'em a hard buck, the trees, ah mean, and those apples come down inta carefully placed buckets." Applejack bragged.

"Eeyup." said Big Mac.

Blue walked over, "Interesting, now how many trees can the two of you go through in a day?"

"'Bout a hundred. Each!" she bragged again.

"So about 100 apples: 1 day. Hmm, just as I suspected. How many trees are on your property, not counting Zap apples, and how much space do they occupy?" he queried.

"Well, several thousand at least, one of the orchards is infested wit' fruit bats, an' we've got just over 321 acres o' land for trees. Why do ya need ta know?"

"Hmm. Judging by the tree density, that's 3635 trees spread over 1.3 km^2. It would take you 36.35 days to harvest all the trees on the farm. Inefficient. Have you ever considered hiring farmhands? Using machines?"

"Prepostrerus! De Apple family has always done eet by our own hooves!" shouted Granny Smith in anger.

"An' as for machines, doin' it by hoof is safer for the trees, and is more reliable than whatever those Shim-Sham brothers could come up with." Apple Bloom added.

"Ah, yes. Flim-Flam Industries. Very efficient machines, particularly when the brothers aren't in a panic to produce more cider in a competition when the Apples cheat and bring in more manpower. As such, they are a strong competitor with other branches of the Apple family, and their company has even bought out several of your farms." Blue said matter of factly.

"Wha-? No true Apple would sell out ta those swindlers!" said Apple Bloom in disgust.

"So you say, but when the scent of millions, even billions of bits are floating just under your nose, only a foolish Apple wouldn't give in. Besides, even using one of their machines would cut down the time taken to harvest to about 14 days. More usable product gained, less manual labour required, more time to spare for other duties, and greater overall profit. Plus, you will be able to transport the product easier and more efficiently. Then you could add a land expansion, due to the fact that your work is more efficient, and the equation multiplies exponentially." he rambled.

"Blue, you've really thought this out! I could never do something like that in so short a time." said Green in awe.

"It's a gift." Blue admitted.

While the other apples had been confounded, angered, or disgusted, Big Mac had been thinking. Unlike the other Apples, who were offended at the thought of selling out, he had weighed the consequences, the benefits, and even made his own calculations. Big Mac was the Apple who thought about everything, and answered in a clear, concise manner. With a yes or a no.

"Eeyup." he answered.

"See? He agrees with my train of thought." pointed out Blue.

"What? Big Mac, you actually understood what this lunatic said?" asked Granny Smith.

"Eeyup." he answered.

"I knew there was an intellectual thinker around here. Oh, that reminds me, the convoy needs to keep moving," Blue walked off to his position at the company head and ordered, "CONVOY FALL IN! We reach Ponyville in an hour!"

A collective groan from the exhausted castle staff rose up as they hitched up their loads once more.

Author's Note

Character explanations:

Each character is based off of a specific play style. I know several people who fit these descriptions, so make of that what you will.

Red is the stereotypical "tryhard" player. He wants it done right, perfectly with no mistakes, every time. He hates those who do not conform to his plans, however stupid the plan is.

Green is the guy who's there to have fun, have a good time. He's friendly, and is pleasant to be around. He also tries to mediate arguments between people, and never leaves a man behind.

Blue is the tactical and efficient player. He has memorised every tactic, attack combo, exploitable glitch, type matchup, and has even looked into the game's code to find the absolute values of every stat percentage. He is the player that will go into the nitty gritty of an item to decide the best for each situation. He cares only for the numbers, not preference, not sentimentality, not even societal pressure.

Yellow is the strange, and most likely insane player. Nobody knows what he's going to do, not even him. His play style is so erratic, prone to team killing, and it changes on a dime so often that there is no true counter to it. Without him, the team may make more progress, but his presence proves vital to many an encounter.

Chapter 4: Arrival Part 2

While Blue and Green were busy chatting up the local farmers, the royal guard had slipped away.

"By Celestia, those lunatics will be the death of me, even if they won't stallion up and do it properly! Oh wait, where am I?" muttered the guard. Rather than following the pathway to Ponyville like a sensible pony, he had run off into the farmland in a random direction. For your information, he ran roughly into the west. Perhaps he thought that going cross country would be quicker than following the well worn path? Those of you who know the geography of Ponyville well, he was currently en route to the trails used in the annual "Running of the Leaves" event. Currently, there were no events being held along this particular stretch.

The guard, relieved to see even a small indicator of civilisation, followed the trail closely. He came out on the edge of Ponyville, not far from Rarity's carousel shaped boutique. Several locals were out and about, doing chores, purchasing goods, and so forth. Imagine their surprise when a dirty, distressed, and discouraged member of Princess Cadance's personal Royal Guard walks out of the woods and into the town proper. Finally seeing some ponies that were moderately friendly, he did the smart thing anyone in his situation would do. He screamed about the four lunatics who had shown up and usurped Equestria.

"The End Times are upon us! Robed lunatics have taken over Canterlot! Flee for your lives!" and so on and so forth.

But, contrary to the guard's expectations, the locals just ignored him. One couple who were having early supper at a cafe even remarked "What, another one? We just got rid of that other guy a week ago!"

Further discouraged, he wandered through town, looking for the library so he could kill himself by dropping a bookshelf on himself. Unlucky for him, he had not been up to date on his Ponyville history, as the library had been destroyed some time ago. Poor pony just wanted all the humiliation, and torment to end. And then he saw enlightenment - I mean salvation - err, that is to say he saw a castle.

Mind racing, he remembered that the honourable Princess Twilight Sparkle lived in Ponyville with her assistant. With the library gone, she would be living somewhere else. Why not somewhere fitting her stature? Somewhere as regal as she is? In a heartbeat, he raced to the doors.

Of course, we know that the Princess was away on business. He pushed on the handles. He hammered on them with all of his strength behind it. He tried to kick in the doors, but failed. Finally, he tried to pull on the handles. The doors swung open like ghosts. The guard sighed and firmly planted his face onto his hoof.

Moving on, the guard entered a grand entrance hall. At the far end, a bored looking baby dragon was dressed up like a receptionist, and throwing paper airplanes around the hall while reading a comic book. Several had stuck in amusing places, such as in curtains, atop statues, on chandeliers, and even on a sleeping bum's belongings. Glancing at the delinquent, the guard walked down the hall and stopped before the receptionist.

"Take a number, and have a seat. I'll call out the next number in the sequence when Twilight is available. Next!" the receptionist droned.

"But there's no one else here, who could possibly be occupi-"

The receptionist closed his comic book, and looked at the guard, "Look, you just play along, and I'll keep wearing this goofy outfit, okay?"

"No, you look! This is a matter of grave importance! The Princess must know of it at once!"

"I'm sure whatever it is can wait until Twilight has time for it. Now you go take seat so I can keep reading my comic."

Groaning in anger, the guard caved and took a seat. Several minutes pass, then an hour. Finally, the receptionist called out a number. Eagerly, the guard looked at his number. It wasn't even remotely close to the number the receptionist had called out.

"This is pointless! I'm getting out of here!" he shrieked.

"Suit yourself." the receptionist muttered.

Angrily, the guard stomped over to the doors. They were still ajar from when he entered. Stepping outside, guess who he happened to run into?

Twilight had had a trying day. First, she had had to deal with several complaints from various townsfolk. To solve it, she set up Spike as a diversionary receptionist who would keep them waiting for as long as possible. While they were waiting in the reception, Twilight slipped out through an upper floor window, and flew into town. There, one of the two main bridges had been damaged by excessive rainwater, and was backing up the foot traffic. She used telekinesis magicks to temporarily replace the middle section of the bridge with a spare wagon. She also visited the Mayor's office, but was dismayed to discover that the mayor was out to lunch. Then Pinkie Pie had come galloping up to her, blathering about an incoming caravan. To top it off, Rainbow Dash had dropped a cloud on her again. Twilight had had a very trying day.

So, when face to face with a familiar, orange, Crystal Empire Royal guard, she was understandably dismayed.

"Princess Twilight!" Flash Sentry practically screamed, "Thank Celestia I've found you, I need your help!"

"Flash Sentry? What in the blazes are you doing here?"

"How do you know my name? Never mind, there's an urgent matter regarding Equestria's safety! Four lunatics arrived in Canterlot, and took over while Celestia and Luna are at the summit! They kidnapped me, and forced the castle staff into slave labour!"

"Several questions. Why were you in Canterlot, how did you escape, and why should I trust you and not every other doomsayer we see come out on Tuesdays?"

"I was in Canterlot as part of the ambassadorial delegation to the Nobles. Fools wanted to monopolise Crystal Empire goods entering Equestria. As for the other ones-" his eyes widened as he looked over her shoulder, "THEY'RE HERE!"

Twilight turned around, and before her stood four robed wizards, with a train of overburdened castle servants.

"Ah, Royal Guard! I see you have secured us lodging for the night!" said the green one excitedly.

"Not the best defensive position, but it will do for now." weighed the blue one.

"Out of the way, horsie!" said the red one as he muscled past the two ponies and into the castle doors.

"That's a cool castle." the yellow one intoned.

Author's Note

n they all live happy evr aftr

da nd

More chapters, or less chapters. Tell me, I need a good idea of how long this should be.

Chapter Five: Settling In

Green immediately walked up to the confused unicorn and offered his hand for a handshake. "How do you do? My name is Green. These are my friends."

"Uh, what? What even? Who-?" Twilight sputtered.

Not taking no for an answer, Green snatched up Twilight's left foreleg and shook it with a firm grip. Turning to his two friends who remained outside, he introduced them. "This is Yellow. He can be a little dim sometimes, but he's a great guy to know!"

Yellow meekly held up his hand and said "Hi."

"And this cheerful guy is Blue. He's good with numbers.

Blue gestured respectfully, saying "Salutations, Alicorn."

"And the fellow who rudely stepped passed you is-"

"Let me guess," Twilight interjected, "Is he named Red or something?"

"That's right! How did you know?" Green said in surprise.

"Educated guess, I guess..." Twilight trailed off.

"Nothing anyone with two braincells to rub together couldn't figure out. An oversimplified system, really. The visible spectrum only offers so much variety." Blue babbled.

"It's over, Equestria's finished!" Flash Sentry exclaimed.

"Why would that be, anonymous Royal Guard?" Green asked.

"See? That's how they get you! Worm their way into your head, make you think they're harmless! I know the truth! You'll be the doom of Equestria if you stay here any longer!" he shouted.

"This horse has blown a gasket!" Yellow shouted in response.

Flash took one look at Yellow, and was frightened into a run. "You'll never take me alive again!" he yelled as he ran off into the wilderness.

"What's his problem?" Twilight asked.

"No idea." said Green as he shook his head.

After all the luggage had been packed away, and the last of the Castle Canterlot staff sent home safe, the four wizards prepared for their first day of ruling the land of magical ponies. Blue had reasoned that the quartet should acquaint themselves with the local populace. Namely, Twilight's circle of friends within Ponyville. This consisted of several ponies, chief among them being Rarity, Applejack, Rainbow Dash, Pinkie Pie, and Fluttershy. All the rest are background characters who will never be named or relevant other than to die for no reason other than creation of tension.

"Alright gang, time to roll out!" said Yellow cheerfully.

"Is that from Scooby Doo or the Autobots?" asked Red

Blue once again pushed a pair of nonexistent glasses up his nose as he snidely remarked "Technically, it's a combination of the two phrases from both media sources. Simply put, from both."

"Hey Blue, got any more jerkass remarks hidden under those nonexistent glasses? Cause I'd love to see you come up with a worse one." Red barked.

Green simply shook his head "Rude, the both of you should be ashamed of your argument."

"Well, Green Goblin, what do you suggest we do? Dig a hole and jump in?" Red complained.

"We need to focus here. The integrity of the realm is depending on us!" Green said in a heroic voice as he raised his fist.

"We're starting with Rarity, right?" asked Red as he took out a list of names.

"Nah, Rainbow Dash is a safer bet. Clothes and wizards do not go along well, as you should know!" Blue chided.

"I want a challenge! After dealing with the clothes, the others will be a cakewalk!" Red declared.

"I want to go meet Pinkie Pie. Just so you know, my opinion matters too, guys." Yellow squawked.

"Then the vote is settled. We go visit Fluttershy first." Blue concluded.

A collective "What?" rose up from the other three wizards.

"Fluttershy offers the best solution to the argument. Nobody is satisfied, and therefore we should begin with her."

"Yeah, well what about this Applejack character?" asked Green.

"We probably met her during the caravan stop at the Apple's farm." Blue informed.

"Then let's get it over with!" shouted Red as he led the way towards the edge of town where the hermitic yellow pegasus dwelled.

Somehow, the four wizards managed to get to Fluttershy's house without killing anyone, but a few houses looked in need of repair (and some didn't exist anymore, but let's overlook that for now). Tentatively, Blue tread the steps toward the front door, thinking that a sneaky entrance would be important. Preparing to breach the door, he took up position on one side of the front door. Red followed suit on the other side. Blue performed a series of hand movements, including a circle, some kind of wave or zigzag effect, and finally a fist smacking into a palm.

Blue, confused, stepped away from the side of the door in shock, "I have no idea what that means. You are following none of the established motions or signals from the various-"

"On it." Yellow said to Red as he cut off Blue's spiel.

Yellow ran up to the door, counted to three as Red braced against the wall, and kicked in the door. "Breaching, breaching!" he shouted, bursting into the building. "On the ground, now! All of you!" he yelled at several animals that were currently visiting Fluttershy's house. "Move, move, secure that doorway!" he told Red as he pointed at a door to an adjacent room. Charging over to the dining table, he flipped the table onto its side, disregarding the tea set ready and waiting. The teapot shattered into a million pieces as it hit the floor, spilling hot tea, which was then followed by several cups, spoons, the milk ewer, and the sugar dish. Taking cover behind the overturned table, he sprinted to the aforementioned doorway, then burst through it as well, disregarding the shouts of Blue and Green.

Inside the next room, one rather angry looking rabbit was sitting in the middle of a large bed. It took one look at the two wizards that stormed the room, and then leaped off the bed, running for a large mouse hole in the wall. "Stop that hare!" shouted Red. Yellow leaped in front of the rabbit, blocking its path. Seeing the wizard, it turned 180 degrees and ran under the bed. "We have you surrounded, come out with your paws up!" yelled Red, as he and Yellow positioned themselves on opposite sides of the bed. Just as he'd predicted, the rabbit raced out from under the bed on the side they had left exposed. It dashed for the door.

"I've got it now!" said Yellow as he charged up a spiked boulder flinging spell, and aimed it at the retreating rabbit. Blue and Green had almost reached the doorway, when with a <PHOOMPH-CLACK! not unlike a foam dart launching air compression weapon, the boulder crashed through the doorway. Green had somehow managed to dodge out of the way, but Blue was rolled over into a wizard-shaped pancake.

"Yellow! You killed Blue," screamed Green in disbelief as he clambered to his feet, "We've got to Res him!"

Red punched Yellow in the face and chided, "Damnit Yellow! How could you have missed the rabbit? HE WAS FIVE BLOODY FEET IN FRONT OF YOU!"

"It's not MY fault that Blue got in the way of the boulder!" Yellow declared, "Hurry, let's go after the rabbit!"

"But what about Blue?" asked Green.

"No time, that rabbits getting away!" shouted Red.

"Guys, it's a rabbit! What does it have to do with anything?" Green asked - but the other two had already chased the rabbit into the forest. Frustrated, discouraged, and defeated, Green sat down on one of the chairs next to the overturned table and tea set. Half heartedly, he picked up the teapot, and went to make some tea.

Now, you could probably guess that Fluttershy wasn't home for the "Wizard War on Rabbits", as the quartet would call it afterward. She was, in fact, out getting groceries. But, as Angel Bunny was being pursued by the Yellow and Red wizards, Fluttershy was walking home along her forest trail.

But something was amiss.

All of a sudden, she stopped, cold. The chatter of animals that could normally be heard near her home was absent, no birds chirping, no mice scurrying, beavers chewing, bears scavenging, rabbits, weasels, otters, or even butterflies. All was deathly quiet.

Her instincts screamed at her to run and hide, to find where the animals had gone and console them, to change her name and move to a new town and avoid all contact with her previous friends. But no, the training of Iron Will asserted itself, and she...well...asserted herself. Head held high, she bravely trotted up to her house. But suddenly, the assertiveness of her assertive training asserted itself no longer, and she let out a decidedly unassertive squeak. For the scene that beheld her was frightful indeed.

Her door had been broken in, and still hung askew from a single hinge while it swung menacingly. Just inside and to the right, a large and oddly familiar blood covered boulder had come to a rest embedded in her wall. All across the floor there were chunks of wood, plaster, and broken china. A green robed figure was sitting in one of her dining chairs while sipping from the only surviving tea cup, next to her overturned dining table and tea set. Worst of all, a dead thing in a blue robe was lying, crushed to death by a large round object.

Fluttershy took in all this madness, at first not believing what she saw thinking it was a hallucination. But even after repeatedly rubbing her eyes, pinching herself (without fingers, I might add), tapping her hooves together three times then saying "There's no place like home, There's no place like home, There's no place like home.", she realised it was not a hallucination.

She let out what could be described as the quietest scream to ever occur.

As if a spell had been broken, the green robed figure looked up from its tea, did a double take, spat out the mouthful it had just sipped, and stood. It walked, slowly, menacingly, and raised two mismatched appendages over its round head. Alarmingly, the ends of the limbs flipped around and attached to its back, leaving two smaller arms. Near paralysed, Fluttershy slowly backed away from the thing. The menacingly menacing figure menacingly walked towards her, an aura of menace around it.

"Sorry about the mess. Are you Fluttershy?" a voice asked apologetically.

"Y-yes." she said, barely registering on the scale of sound.

"Would you speak a little louder, sweetie? I couldn't hear that."

"Y-yes, I am Fluttershy" she said, almost within hearing range.

"Gonna have to be louder than that."

"I am Fluttershy, yes." she said in the barest whisper.

"Louder. Louder, louder louder! Speak at the same volume I am speaking at." the voice said at a volume slightly higher than the conversational tone between friends.

"Yes, I am Fluttershy!" she said, finally at a volume close to normal.

"Alright, can you keep that tone at a constant, or will we have to go through this every time we talk?"

"No..." she said, slightly quieter.

"You've got to say a little more than 'No', Fluttershy."

"We won't have to do this again, no." she said, becoming more confident.

"Glad that's settled. I'm Green." The creature, from whom Fluttershy had ascertained the voice was coming from, stepped forward. It lifted one of its limbs, and held it out towards her. She shied away, not sure of the implications. The creature, Green, grabbed up one of her front hooves, and firmly shook it. "Sorry about the mess. Two of my friends, Red and Yellow, went crazy chasing after a rabbit, or hare, or bunny, or something like it. Accidentally killed my other friend, Blue here on the ground. Which reminds me," he removed one of the items from his back, a large bough with leaves growing on it, "I've got to revive him. Excuse me."

Green stepped away from Fluttershy, dusting his staff of plaster, and a globule phased into existence near his head, then gravitated towards his staff. It glowed a smooth green, occasionally letting a piece of green vegetation fall from it. Another globule formed, this one crackling with electrical energy. Thrusting the staff into the air, the two globules coalesced. A beam of light came down from above, through a hole in Fluttershy's roof that had been made during the kerfuffle earlier, striking the ground. A fully clothed blue wizard erupted from the ground, wielding the basic staff and blunt sword.

"What took you so long, Green?"

Author's Note

Magick! Get!

Also, here's a nice, heft chapter for you.