Twitterpated

by Sense of Humor

Rating: everyone
Tags: Romance, Adventure, Comedy
Length: 3881

In which a newcomer arrives, and begins an incredibly exciting and somewhat romantic life completely opposite the life he left behind.

A stallion from the city of Manehatten moves to Ponyville under reasons concerning boredom. He receives a lot more feelings than entertainment once he lays eyes on a specific mare with a specific name.

Published 1970-01-01 00:00:00 UTC
Last updated 2016-05-16 02:30:06 UTC

An Emerald

Ponyville seemed nice enough for his liking, even if he still liked what had once been a beneficial Manhattan. It was almost as large as his original home, and yet not nearly as expensive looking as the place. Every building around these parts seemed tone made of wood, like what he'd seen in films involving country folk. The ponies here were anything but country folk, however. He'd only passed by one orange mare with a southern accent and that was it.

He was Comedy Gold, the pony with possibly the worst name ever but with the least courage to tell his parents. Fittingly enough he had a cutie mark resembling a huge smile, something he seldom had but managed to inflict on others. That his trait; getting people to smile and laugh whether he wanted them to or not. Usually it was through puns that he couldn't resist creating and other times it was just something he physically did; like slipping on an obvious banana peel or something cheesy like that. To top it off, his coat was a golden color to resemble his own name. That really made ponies chuckle.

It was a nice ability at first, as it got even depressed ponies to hive a smirk, but something happened over time. It was like he got bored of it all; bored of his rare smiles while everyone else got the laugh. His boredom must have been contagious in some way, because a lot of manehatten rarely chuckled or smiled at him anymore.

It was midday, on the second day that he'd arrived in his new home and he was feeling a but low on energy. It wouldn't have taken him very long to find that hayburger joint he'd passed yesterday, but he was in the mood for something sweet to hit his tounge. And Sugarcube Corner would be just the place to find that sweet edibility.

Once he entered the building Comedy Gold sidestepped two allow two ponies, one with an auqa blue coat and the other with a yellow coat, to avoid running into them. He trotted to a halt in front of the counter, where he found nopony standing behind the counter. That was odd; How did those other two ponies walk out with their payed for items?

"*GASP*!" A mare that was possibly a year younger than him suddenly appeared behind the counter with an impossibly wide grin. Her coat was as pink as cotton candy, and her mane and tail seemed extra poofy. "OH MY GOSH! A NEW PONY!How ya dooooin?"

His face must have been a hilarious look of confusion, because she suddenly burst into the snorting laughter affect that he seemed to have on ponies. Rolling his eyes, he waited for her to calm herself. "Oh Ho! Sorry. Seriously though, you like Ponyville so far?"

"...It's nice, I guess." He answered truthfully, adding in a sort of shrug. The mare made a sort of squealing sound.

"I guessed it was nice when I arrived too! But then I knew I it was nice after a while." The mare smiled a little more nervously and in a friendly manner. "I'm Pinkie Pie! Whats your name, new guy?"

Knowing what was to come next, he sighed. "Comedy Gold."

He watched as his name registered with her, and then he watched as her eyes flickered downwards across his coat, the snicker that followed all of this. "Th-That is so Ironic."

No, it would have been more ironic if I were named Cheese Slice. He thought to himself sarcastically. "Uh huh. About my order..."

"Oh! Sorry! What can I get for you today, Mr. Gold?"

"A vanilla cupcake, extra frosting."

"Coming riiiiiight UP!"

The pink mare dived under the counter for just two seconds before appearing with a bigger grin and a perfect cupcake sitting in her hoof. Comedy Gold eyed the small thing rather suspiciously. "...where were you hiding this cupcake?"

As if she hadn't heard a word he said, Pinkie Pie giggled and pushed the cupcake towards him. "Here you are? One genuine cupcake with extra frosting! And since you're new here, This cupcake is FREE!"

The unicorn wasn't so sure what to say about that statement. Everything back in !anehatten coated him something, whether he was new or not. What kind of place was willing to give him a free cupcake just for being new to a city?!

"Uh...thanks...Pinkie." He responded after a while, using his horn to pick up the delicious smelling cupcake.

"You're Welcome, Goldilocks!" He heard her say as he turned to leave, making him cringe from the name. Her voice became fainter as he stalked through the door. "Come back soon! Especially if you have questions about Ponyville! Then again, I'd ask Twilight..."

As the door closed, he took a large bite of the cupcake. Though he wouldn't admit it aloud, this cupcake was far better than the ones in Manehatten. The absolute taste of sugar and flavor combined themselves in a journey across his tounge. In a way, it was just like drinking fruit punch at the some time as eating it.

A red blur rolled across the bottom of his vision, causing him to look down and notice a tiny ball skittering away from him at high speeds like a fast pair of legs. Sure enough, there was a small foal an opposite distance away from the ball who wailed: "MY BALL!"

Comedy frowned at the tone of the foal, and then at the obvious thing that he'd have to do. All he wanted was to do was stand around, watch a few ponies and eat the rest of his 'dessert'. Now he was cramming the rest of his cupcake into his mouth, galloping after the ball and realizing that swallowing at the same as breathing was a bad idea. He had to make sure that bits of frosting didn't get stuck in his lungs as the little chase began.

It went on a bit longer than he'd liked, since the ball only seemed to pick up speed as he gained on it. He had dodge under a passing cart full of oranges when the ball bounced over it, then he had to make a sharp turn when it ricocheted off a mail box and then several more turns when it bounced off several random ponies. When it caused a grey, cross eyed pegasus to trip and fall, he sprinted past and shouted an apology out. Somehow, the ball actually stopped when it collided with a pinkish blue leg. He skidded to a halt before the annoying ball that nearly destroyed his lungs, but practically forgot it when his gaze traveled up the leg.

His jaw fell open.

Staring back at him was an absolute emerald. That was the only word he had to describe her;nopony could look this beautiful at all! His eyes widened more than they ever had as she took notice of him, this emerald. The beauty had her mane in a stylish sort of ponytail(the irony of it all), and it had stripes of aqua blue and every different shade of purple known. Her coat was just as pinkish blue as her leg was, which was perfect just as the rest of her. His heart almost stopped when he caught sight of her dark magenta colored orbs; hypnotizing circles that looked straight back at him.

"Oops! Did I hit your ball by accident?" Came the angelic voice from her lips, melting his heart instantly. As if that wasn't enough, she had an adorably nervous look to go with it. "Sorry about that. I didn't really know it was there, to be honest."

His stupid mouth wouldn't close itself and he kept standing there like the slack jawed idiot he was. She didn't notice this.

"...yknow, I don't think I've ever seen you around here before. " The mare paused, giggled briefly and made him involuntarily twitch. " Not that I keep track of who I see to begin with, I just have a feeling you're new here. I'm Starlight Glimmer! What's your name?"

He knew that now would have been a great time to introduce himself, and better his chances of being around her in the very near future, but he couldn't think past that, let alone what to say. He didn't need to sound stupid in front of a beauty like her, so a proper introduction was necessary. Problem was, he kept thinking of a thousand pick up lines that his body was saying would be great to start with yet his mind said that it would kill his chances. Would saying 'hi' first make him look like a dork? What if she hated the way his voice sounded?! What if speaking made her regret talking to him to begin with?! Heck, what if his appearance alone scared her off? What if he wasn't masculine enough?! What if he had some horrible stroke of bad luck and was crushed by a giant rock before he could speak?!

"Hey Starlight! What're y'all doin out there?!" A southern voice said from somewhere not far in the distance. "Hurry up an' git in here! We've got orders teh make!"

"Oh! Sorry! I was distracted!" Starlight turned her head to speak with that voice, and then turned back to look at him. "Sorry, I've gotta go! Maybe I'll see you around sometime?"

The other voice called again, and she cringed inwardly before turning around. All he was soon left with was a disappearing view of her tail and (very nice looking and sizeable) flank...then he was left with no sight of her at all. He stood there with that same expression for another minute or so, even as the foal rushed up and hugged his leg as tightly as possible.

"Thanks Mister! " The foal looked up at him with a huge smile. " I never would've gotten my ball back without you!...Mister? Mister? What are you staring at? Mister? Can you hear me, Mister? Hello?"

Eventually, one thought managed to surface in his lovestruck mind.

I think I'm going to like this town.

"Mister, you're drooling."

Convenient searches

His third day in Ponyville had begun, but it was something that he hardly noticed. Predictably, Comedy Gold had started things off by eating a short breakfast and trotting through every corner of the town in search of her; Starlight Glimmer. It wasnt known even by himself what he was going to say to her when he found the attractive mare, but hopefully he'd have things sorted out by then.

The minutes passed into hours and the hours passed into another sunny midday for him, where he discovered fhat there was no sign of her. If he stopped and mentioned her to a pony he passed, they would give him a location answer completely different than the last one.  Comedy couldn't even find that mare eith the southern accent!

Then suddenly he had a great idea! Not concerning how to find her(he optimistically told himself that she'd show up soon or later), but what to get her. His father always told him that one way to get a girl's attention was to give her something great at first sight. Mom would then playfully retort that his father practically begged for a date when they were younger, but that wasn't needed here. Should he get her a cake? No no no! She looked like she watches her weight and hates cakes. Perhaps a rose? No, that was too cliche and besides; a rose might be too early for her. What on earth could he give her?

"Excuse me, Ma'am!" A mare politely spoke to another that passed her by. "Where in Equestria did you receive such a lovely necklace from?"

He was instantly listening closer.

“...Starlight, Darling, Are you listening to me?”

In an instant, her thoughts shattered and she came back to reality, where she found an annoyed Rarity and a slightly amused Applejack staring at her. A blush formed on Starlight’s cheeks. “Oops! I...uh, was just thinking about something. Sorry.”

“Well, of course you were thinking about something darling! But the question is: What were you thinking about that could possibly distract you my criticism of how my dress turned out?!”

Applejack smirked softly, her hoof gesturing the crystalline design of the whole clothing piece. “Anythang, really.”

“Oh shush, you.” Rarity used her horn to rearrange tiny crystal bits in different areas. “You’re just here until the bet’s consequences wears off.”

“Eeyup!” The orange mare responded in a deep voice, which got Starlight and even Rarity to chuckle. “Seriously, though. Bit for yer thoughts?”

“Weeeell, I was thinking about this Stallion I met in town today. He seems new. “ Starlight began. “I never did get his name unfortunately. But he seems nice.”

“A new pony, huh? Shucks! We haven't gotten wonna those in...a while, really. Too bad you didn't catch his name! I would given him an Apple's Welcome?”

“You mean that Apple flavored yogurt?” Rarity questioned, trotting around to the front of the mannequin.

“That's the one.”

“Hmmmm…” The purple maned pony screwed her face into a look of pure inspection, narrowed her blue eyes at the contours and swirling designs of her newest creation. Starlight cast a knowing glance at Applejack, before clearing her throat.

“So, what seems to be the problem?”

“Oh there's no problem! Not necessarily…”

“Meanin’?”

Rarity turned her head to look at them. “Meaning, that it could use a finishing touch; A nice jade emerald if you will!”

“Well, that's great. You have one of those, don't you?” Starlight tilted her head slightly, looking around as if expecting to see a box of jewels lying around.

Sighing, Rarity shook her head. “No, I gave my last one to Spike this morning. You know how he loves his jade, Darling.”

“So, where does yer supply come from usually?”

“Oh, that place I usually mine from! I forget the name, but you both know what I'm talking about, right?”

While they both nodded in agreement, Starlight was the first to speak. “I can go get one! It wouldn't take me that long!”

“Oh no! You simply mustn't! That area is also occupied by The Diamond Dogs! I've only gotten my Jade perfectly fine due to their fear of me.”

In response, the student rolled her eyes in tandem with her own smirk and her horn glowed with it's usual aura. “I think I can handle myself, Rarity. But thanks for the concern.”

Starlight made her way to the door before her friend could protest anymore.

"Ugh! None of these are going to be perfect!" He nervously sat down and looked over the wide expanse of stone and jewels. The conversation that led him to the jewel fields had been helpful no doubt, but none of them seemed good enough for somepony like her. What he needed was something brilliant and decorative and all around expensive, something that would impress his Glimmer. Rubies and diamonds and emeralds just weren't going to cut it for him. "Hmmm...Well, there are many more miles of this place to be searched anyways. I'll find something."

So he walked carefully through the hills and steep valleys of rock, taking a close gander at every Jem he spotted along the way.  The stallion eventually found himself on something that he could have deemed a teenage mountain of stone, where he gazed down upon the rest of the sparkling land. There were indeed many more miles of stony ground to cover, some places filled with twinkling colors or red, blue, green, purple, pink, a little more blue, yellow, a tad more green and so on. His gaze ventured down against the cliffside he was atop, where a crack in the ground lay waiting for him to discover. It was like a canyon of some kind, which caused the large crack to be shrouded in shadows created by the sun and just the right timing. But in the center of this crack, there was a glowing source...it was absolutely strange. He couldn't even identify the color of the glow and yet he knew it wasn't white, black or grey.

He thought back to a levitation spell he'd learned in school, his face contorting with concentration as his own colored aura surrounded his body. He slowly lifted himself into the the air this way before finally descending down,down,down into the miniature canyon. The pony went down several more feet until his Hove's touched       mucky rainwater. While he grimaced, he still trotted through it towards the glowing source. Once his eyes adjusted to it, he could see exactly what it was.

"Okay, Starlight! An emerald! That's all I have to find." The mare told herself reluctantly, her gaze falling upon a field of nothing but emeralds. If she knew Rarity, then this hunt was going to be anything but easy. That pony liked a specific shape to her jewels; anything else and it was as good as Spike's.

She bit her bottom lip, humming softly to mask her nervousness. The mare suddenly gasped in delight and galloped a short distance over to what appeared to be a good shaped emerald from a distance...but turned out to be jagged. Starlight gave a groan to it for no reason and began a pattern of just aimlessly wandering around the patch of sparkling green, trying to determine with no success the perfect shape. After a good ten minutes, Starlight settled for settling her flank down on the ground to rest. "Maybe I could just shape one of them with a spell or something."

Before she could think about what kind of spell to use for this situation, Starlight received that the odd feeling that something was breathing down her neck...as if something was sniffing her. Slowly, the pony turned around and felt her eyes involuntarily widen.

"And just what do you think YOU'RE doing, Pony?!"

Three diamond dogs stood before her menacingly, just as described by Rarity. There was a super tall one, one shorter than the tallest by two feet or so and one that was just a little under her sitting height. All of them wore sleeveless red jackets and threatening scowls.

Taking in a large gulp, Starlight presented to them one genuine cheesy grin. "Oh! Hi...Um, I was just passing through...this patch! Yes, I was going through this patch to get somewhere!"

The second tallest dog narrowed his eyes even more.  "Nice try, pony! We know you're here to steal Jems!"

"...well, technically that's what you do too!" She puffed out her chest defensively. It was something she'd seen Fluttershy do, ironically.

"Oh yeah?!" The smallest dog barked. "Well these lands belong to us! You don't see any other ponies going through here, now do you?!"

"As a matter of fact, Rarity usually comes here!"

The three of them shuddered fearfully in unison, and the small dog spoke up again. "You mean that pony with the awful noises?"

Starlight ignored him and continued. "Not to mention the other ponies that get their rubies from here! What about them?"

"The only reason they've gotten any rubies is because someone named FIDO," The second tallest dog glared up at the tallest. "can't stay awake to do simple guard duties!"

"Oh, like you're so perfect Rover!"

"Will you knuckleheads shut your traps for FIVE SECONDS?!" The smallest dog shrieked at an impressive octave. Fido and Rover rolled their eyes with a sigh.

"Yes, Spot."

Snorting, Spot turned back to the mare. "Now, you were caught tresspassing here regardless of who else came in before you! That means you are now our prisoner, Pony!"

Starlight nervously swallowed again, her eyes darting around ro fetermine if any of the emeralds were big enough to hurl at them. But then a better idea occured to her, so she instead raced to make up a random name. Once she did, she pointed behind the diamond dogs with a hoof and a startled expression.

"WOW! IS THAT ROVER DANGERFIELD?!"

"WHERE?!" They all shouted in unison, whirling around to catch a glimpse of the infamous Rover Dangerfield. But there was nothing out of the ordinary for them to see.

"Eh? I don't see any Rover Dangerfield... Hey, Pony where'd you...huh? HEY SHE'S GETTING AWAY! AFTER HER  YOU SLACKJAWED IDIOTS!!!"

"???? Oh, I'm a lucky Pony-Oh! Doo Dah! Doo Dah! ????" Comedy smiled to himself as he trotted and proudly held up the huge pebble with his horn. He knew that this stone would impress her! It looked far too splendid not too; what with its seemingly magical aura and all. To be honest it went perfectly with her cute nose, as well as the rest of her. " ???? I'm a lucky Pony-oh! Dooo Doo Dah Daaay!????"

I can see her now! Comedy practically bounced on his hooves, going in directions he wasn't paying any attention to at all.   Oh Gold! You shouldn't have gotten me this! That was sooooo nice of you! You're so kind and brave and strong and handsome! Let's go on a date under the moonlight!

Unfortunately, Comedy Gold had yet to notice that his happy go lucky trotting was bringing him to the brink of a high cliff edge. Even more unfortunately, a wrong placement of two of his hooves sent him tumbling over the edge. His thoughts of lovey dovey times were interrupted with thoughts of his life flashing before his eyes. His random screams of terror were frequently interrupted by his body bouncing off of slanted edges jutting out of the cliff face.

"Ouch! Ouch! Ouch! Ouch! Ouch!" The pony grunted with each bouncing impact he made. "Ouch! Ouch! Ouch! Ouch! Ouch! Ouch! Oof!"

He skidded on his back across the ground for at least two feet, before he stopped completely in a daze. When his eyes stopped rolling around in his skull, he remembered the pebble that he'd once had in his grip...and was now suddenly falling towards him at an increasing rate. He made the mistake of gasping with worry over whether the rock would break upon impact with the ground. Just like that, the pebble fell in his open mouth and down his throat with the instinctive gulp.

"Eeeek!"  He grabbed at his neck with his hooves, eyes bulging dramatically. Did he just swallow his gift to the perfect pony?! He'd officially climbed to a new level of stupidity in the stupid chain! Comedy groaned and half whimpered at the same time as he processed the dilemma he'd brought upon himself. Now there was nothing he had to give to her at all; save for his own heart. What could he do now?

"HELP! SOMEPONY HELP ME!"

His ears perked up immediately from the sound of an all too familiar voice, stirring him to his hooves instantly. He looked towards the sound of the voice in distress, and spotted Starlight Glimmer in a physical struggle against very large looking dogs(well, at least two of them were large). One seemed to be holding the tip of her horn with a paw, muffling any magic she could use to save herself from the obvious trouble.

An all too perfect opportunity like this had no other choice than to make him grin.