12 Years a Slav

by ZyklonBen

Rating: teen
Tags: Comedy, Human
Length: 1257

Artyom Piotryevich Ivanovsky was a normal Slav, spending all day drinking vodka, squatting on the sidewalk, or playing competitive CS:GO. One day, though, he's visited by Twilight Sparkle for his summer solstice preparations.

Artyom Piotryevich Ivanovsky was a normal Slav, spending all day drinking vodka, squatting on the sidewalk, or playing competitive CS:GO. One day, though, he's visited by Twilight Sparkle for his summer solstice preparations. Follow Artyom through every episode of MLP, doing normal Slavic things like getting drunk, screaming obscenities on CS:GO, and squatting on every surface imaginable.

Published 1970-01-01 00:00:00 UTC
Last updated 2016-05-15 14:24:01 UTC

Сука блять (101-105)

101: Friendship is Magic (Part 1)

“Okay, next we have somepony named… Artyom Piotryevich Ivanovsky? That’s a strange name.”

“Where is he, Spike?”

“He’s in a place called Belgradka, just north of here. The lists says to take note of the fact that he’s a little odd.”

“That’s fine.”

    Twilight made her way up to the small yurt surrounded by tree stumps and the occasional live tree. A crude sign said “Welcome to ‘Белградка’. Stay away Germanic scum” on the outside of the area. While having trouble translating whatever the sign said and figuring out what Germanic scum were, Twilight was able to press those issues out of her mind and walk up to the yurt. After knocking on the door, a tall, white man in an Adidas tracksuit answered the door. He was also wearing a flatcap, dress shoes, and he was holding a cigarette.

    “Chto?” the man said, looking more annoyed with each second passing by.

    “Hello there. Are you Artyom?” Twilight said

    “Da. Who make are the you?”

    “I am Twilight Sparkle. I am here to make sure that everything is going well here for the princess’ arrival in Ponyville. It looks like you were responsible for providing wood?”

    “Da. Is go well. I am have 15 kilos of good lumber ready for event. Take it and make pay me please.”

    Amazed by his quick response, and actually completing the job and not wanting Twilight to partake in some activity before leaving, Twilight happily said that she was more than ready to take the lumber off of Artyom’s hands, and that 5 bits would be provided for every pound of lumber provided. Artyom had no idea how much that was, but assumed it was good money. He accepted and went back inside his yurt, where he immediately squatted down and started drink vodka. Twilight departed for her next destination.

    After about two hours of squatting, fixing up the home, watching hockey, and playing Counter Strike: Global Offensive, Artyom was informed by Pinkie Pie, his least favourite of all the ponies, that he needed to be at the library soon for a welcome party. Artyom went, but mostly just squatted outside wishing he could be at home. He passed out drunk while Nightmare Moon came and began to terrorise the populace.

102: Friendship is Magic (Part 2)

    “Wake up, Artyom!” Twilight said in a panic, knowing that the princess wanted him to go along for whatever reason. He woke up, and muttered “Suka blyat’, gde moy vodka…” before noticing the ponies around him. After a quick rundown of what happened and the adventure the seven must go on, Artyom reluctantly agreed out of pure fear that the princess will have him sent to a labour camp again.

***

    An hour into the trek across the forests, Applejack and Fluttershy have already had tasks to complete to find their elements. Seeing shadows move across the trees, the group quickly got nervous that they were being followed by Nightmare Moon’s goons. Artyom sighed, lit a cigarette, and got out his StatTrak Karambit Fade. He muttered something nobody else could understand, something along the lines of “Karadzeechu and Neck ske veedee,”. 5 minutes later Artyom came back soaked in a thick red liquid. Massively concerned by this, Twilight asked what the liquid was. Artyom looked her straight in the eyes and said “Shut up. I took care of threat,”. The ponies walked a good distance behind Artyom for the rest of the trip. Pinkie Pie assumed it was fruit punch and didn't understand the fear everyone else exhibited.

***

    At the final confrontation, the ponies, in order, discovered their elements from Twilight giving insight to the tasks they had done. Twilight was unsure of what exactly to do for Artyom, as she never saw what he did. She tried to cite his quick leap into action, but the elements of harmony did their own thing and revealed Artyom’s element as strength. Everypony sort of ignored it. Instead of rising into the air with the rest of the ponies Artyom just squatted down and shot up with some heroin. Once again, everypony just ignored it. Nightmare Moon was defeated really easily and Twilight had to write letters to Celestia every week. You know how it goes.

    Artyom went home and drunkenly relayed the events to his cousin Dmitri over the phone, who was desperately trying to work. After the call was finished, Artyom got on his computer and played CS:GO until he passed out.

103: The Ticket Master

    Artyom mostly sat this one out. He didn’t want to go to the Grand Galloping Gala, and was quite angered when he found out he had to do it anyways at the end of the day.

104: Applebuck Season

    Artyom was massively pressured by Twilight to go out and try to convince Applejack to let people assist her in harvesting her apples. Artyom eventually resorted to violence and threatened to burn Applebloom with a molotov if Applejack doesn’t let him fucking help. After he made that comment Applejack informed Twilight, but let her help out of fear.

    Twilight stopped by Artyom’s yurt to confront him. After she knocked on the door, Artyom showed up in his usual attire, only this time his black hair was exposed due to his lack of cap.

    “Chto?” he said.

    “Listen Artyom, when I asked you to get help, I didn’t mean to resort to violence. Violence won’t solve your problems.”

    “Da it did. And it did make the victory for me before. Not only now when Applejack let you make of the assistance, but when make kill of moon and also when I kill of those turkroaches.”

    “Yes, but at those times, it was our only option left.”

    “Nyet. I wanted stay home and let strong leader take over. But you suki are make me go along. Is not matter. Violence is sometime necessary. Now go home.”

    Twilight wasn’t able to get a word out before Artyom slammed the door in her face. She was left with a lot to think about, and after talking to her friends, she wrote a letter to the princess saying that violence may be needed in a dire situation. Princess Celestia was disappointed that her scheme didn’t go as planned and Twilight learned the wrong lesson.

    Applebloom is not allowed to see Artyom anymore.

105: Griffon The Brush-Off

    Sure, the Griffon was a bit of a dick, but Artyom honestly couldn’t care less. Her banter was bad, and Artyom simply could not bring himself to have any strong reaction. She insulted vodka, Russia, Artyom’s tracksuit, and his unhealthy habits, all to no avail. Artyom was sober at the time, though, so that probably played a part in his reaction.

    Five bottles of vodka later, however, Artyom followed Gilda into an ally after she attempted to leave, and assaulted her with a shattered bottle of Moskovskaya. She was able to fly away and give Artyom noticeable wounds on his face. He didn’t really seem to notice, though. He just went back to the party and started to attempt to pick up mares using horrifically slurred and broken English.

    He went home and attempted to explain to his cousin Dmitri the events that happened that week, but failed to notice that Dmitri hung up about halfway through Artyom’s drunken ramblings. Dmitri had guests to entertain and had zero time to listen to Artyom’s retarded, and probably made up, stories. Afterwards, Artyom played S.T.A.L.K.E.R. until he fell asleep.