Team Friendship 2

by Carnival

Rating: teen
Tags: Alternate Universe, Main 6, Princess Luna, Comedy, Cutie Mark Crusaders, Horror, Other, Adventure, Crossover, Random, Princess Celestia, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic
Length: 8920

It's just an average day at Teufort, when suddenly an unexplainable phenomenon occurs! Legends tell of the nine warriors, who will one day approach Equestria and save it from the powers of evil.

It's a not so average day on the field, when suddenly an unexplainable phenomenon occurs! Legends tell of the nine warriors, who will one day approach Equestria and save it from the powers of evil.

Only, the warriors don't want to help when they arrive because they were trying to enjoy a game of cards after a rather rough battle with an army of robots. They became the richest people on earth, and decided to finally settle down, when a large blast of magic sent them flying away.

Can the Elements of Harmony help them see the brighter sides of things? Or will they have to just accept the RED team's strange ways?

Published 2016-05-15 20:30:01 UTC
Last updated 2016-07-02 04:59:40 UTC

Teleportation and Immense Frustration

"ALRIGHT YOU GLITTER LOVING CUPCAKE MUNCHERS, THAT WAS THE LAST ONE!"

The Medic dropped his medigun to the ground and huffed, feeling exhausted after constantly running around all over the battlefield in a desperate attempt to keep his teammates alive.

"Doktor is alright?"

The Medic nodded slowly, gathering himself again. He shuffled his feet in the snow and muttered,

"Ja, mein freund, I am fine... just cold... hungry... and exhausted."

"Medic will take sandvich."

The Heavy held out a plate to him with his signature sandvich on it. Medic stared at it for a moment, then shook his head. "No, I vill be alright. You eat it."

"The Medic will take the sandvich!"

"No..."

"Da!"

"Will the both of yous stop your arguin' and kiss already?"

The Medic's face went red and he screeched, "SCOUT!!! DU ARSCHLOCH ICH BIN IN IHN NICHT!!!" (I don't know German or the other languages so I'm using google translate. Not all of these will be accurate.)

Heavy sighed and put the sandvich plate away.

"There is no relationship, Scout."

"Gentleman, we have bigger things to worry about. Like how we are now literally rolling in cold hard cash."

"Aye! We be rich!"

"I CAN BUY MOUNTAINS OF BUCKETS."

"I need a new pair of headphones... and a house for ma."

Sniper smirked and hopped down from his nest, shivering at the harsh wind.

"That's nice and all lads, but can we get inside first before we freeze our asses off out here?"

The team nodded in agreement, and made their way back to their station hut, laughing and joking the whole time. They did it, they won. They can relax and return to their families (those who have them anyways) and finally make a life for themselves with their newfound riches.

*//Meanwhile, in a magical land far away...\*

"What in the hay IS this thing, Princess?!"

"This, Applejack, is a monster that we found rampaging in the Everfree forest. We are not sure where it came from, but it seems to be extraordinarily powerful."

"This thing? Powerful?"

Rainbowdash snickered and taped the glass case with her hoof, a cheeky grin on her face.

"It's just a loaf of bread with some teeth."

Luna raised an eyebrow and then explained,

"It's easy to underestimate it, this is true. However, if you saw the destruction that this creature has caused, you would not be smiling. This thing has a magical aura that is not our own. It is almost immune to our style of magic. It took both Tia and I both to contain this one here."

"Wait... How? It's just... a load of bread..."

Twilight examined the creature in the glass, concerned. "So how was it so powerful?"

Celestia sighed and placed a hoof on her student's shoulder.

"In reality, it is not a very strong monster. Its strange, unknown magical qualities are what make it a threat."

"So... how do we stop it?"

"We aren't sure exactly. However, we have many powerful magic students working on trying to track the magic. We wanted to ask you and your six friends to help."

"We'll do our best, Princess!"

"I knew I could count on you. Go, and bring the necklaces with you."

"Necklaces...?"

"The ones that once held the Elements. They have... been giving off their own magical aura since this strange magic started. We think they might be useful."

"Of course, Princess, we'll do what we can."

*//Back in the Upgrades Shack...\*

The Engineer took a swig of his beer and said,

"Let's go around one last time and cheer eachother on. We'll probably never see one again y'all, so let's make the most of it."

"Heavy will go first. He thanks the Medic for keeping us alive."

Medic smiled a bit and said, "Vell, zen I thank the Heavy for being a real brick wall."

Scout snorted and said, "I thank the Spy for not being as big of a bastard as usual."

"Well, I thank ze Pyro for keeping us warm."

This went on for another few minutes, with each RED team member getting their own spotlight.

"Aye! And finally, I thank the Scout for makin' us rich!"

"Hey, it helps to run fast when collecting money!"

"Cheers to the RED team, for not completely dying tonight!"

"CHEERS!"

*//Equestria\*

Books were scattered everywhere as the six ponies and single dragon flipped frantically through every page they could. Twilight sighed and let her wings droop and drag across the floor.

"This is useles... We can't find anything..."

"Don't give up hope darling, your library is extensive, I'm sure there's SOMETHING in here about this magic... Maybe something old... Maybe something-"

"Something like this?"

Spike held up a book from the other side of the library, grinning. "It's old, and it looks magical!"

Twilight perked up, her wings folding back. She enveloped both the book and Spike in her magical aura, bringing them both over.

"Let's see.. it doesn't have a name, but..."

She flipped through the worn pages slowly, muttering silently to herself.

"Oh... here! Here! I found something!"

The five other ponies crowded around her, interested in what she had seen.

"It's... writting by Starswirl! It says... I have come across a strange new magic that I have yet to understand. It seems to be manifested from hate and evil, unlike Equestria's love and friendship. It seems to come from a new plane of existence entirely... one quite opposite to ours... filled with war and suffering... This magic, it comes from there. It's all green in color... I believe this magic is what the Changeling kingdom has started using.... It's no wonder why they're so cruel now and only want to control, it's all in this horrible magic..."

Twilight flips the page, as a strange feeling of worry blankets the room.

"After studying this magic for a while, I have come across a source. It is a twisted Alicorn pony of sorts... there is the skull of some double horned animal on its head... he looks to be older than I am, and stronger... I don't understand how that hatred and evil is stronger than our love and and kindness..."

Another turn of the old journal.

"I have conversed with the Alicorn. It is safe to say that he isn't right in the head. Our magic requires high concentration, while theirs seems to be usable by ANYpony. He threw... a rubber duck at me then ran away, laughing hysterically. He dropped some papers, which I have since studied... Somewhere, there is a team that can stop this magic. I've simplified the list here; the Crazy, the Builder, the Patient, the Cunning, the Strongest, the Ruthless, the Smartest, the Fastest, and the Headstrong."

"Hold up, Fastest? That should be me! I'm the fastest!"

Twilight rubbed her chin and said quietly,

"I would have thought that these were describing the Elements, but they're different, and there are nine of them..."

"Well, what do y'all suppose it means?"

"I don't know, but we're taking this to Celestia and Luna at once."

After teleporting everyone to the castle, Twilight took a deep breath and sat down for a minute.

Spike rubbed her shoulders and said,

"Take a minute to rest. That was a big spell."

"Yeah... Alright..."

"Luna, Celestia, we found something!!"

The two Alicorns appeared, galloping towards them.

"What have you found?"

Applejack produced the journal for them and held it up.

"This here notebook from Starswirl. He met some crazy Alicorn, and discovered some new type of magic. There's apparently a team of ponies somehwere that have the power to stop him. How do ya suppose we get to 'em?"

Celestia skimmed over the page, a look of relief coming across her face.

"We can summon them, he's included a spell that might just work."

"Well, go for it then!!!"

Celestia and Luna nodded to each other, before combining their powers together to form something that looked like a portal. The portal then disappeared, and the two Princesses had to kneel to catch their breath.

"We think... we think it worked. The portal is travelling across Celestia to get them..."

*//Upgrade Hut\*

The Medic set down hid drink, and stared out of the window.

"Um... Any of you want to come look at zis? Zere is a strange column of black smoke travelling towards ze shack..."

The team members gathered around medic, at the window.

"Aye, there be something strange out there... Should we try an' fight it?"

"Demo, ah don't think that'll work. We can't exactly fight smoke."

"And why not? We've fought horseless headless horsemenn and littl' skelebones before."

"Those were physical things, Demo. Ya can't touch smoke."

Medic sighed and rubbed the bridge of his nose.

"Quiet. Perhaps it is harmless..."

Scout walked to the door, and frowned slightly.

"Uh, guys, the smoke cloud is trying to suck me into itself."

"....What?"

"The god damn cloud is trying to eat me!"

Medic ran to the door and pulled scout back inside, running out himself with his medigun. Heavy chased after him, shouting something that he couldn't hear.

The rest of the team members shrugged, stuffed the cash under the table, and ran after them. Whatever this thing was, it wasn't getting their hard-earned riches. Medic was pulled off the ground by the force. Believing that he was going to die, the Medic ubercharged himself before disappearing into the cloud completely. Heavy yelled out at the loss of his friend, and jumped after him.

"Why ze hell did zay just do that?"

"Who cares, Frenchie? We have to go after our mates!"

"Oh for ze love of-"

"ADVENTURE!"

Soldier lifted the remaining teammates and launched them into the cloud with incredible strength. Demo and Engie latched onto each other, screaming for their lives. Scout and Pyro were both laughing hysterically, having the most fun in their lives. Spy rolled his eyes and lit a cigaratte.

"Merde."

The ponies watched as the cloud returned, and hovered above the castle. Their happiness turned to horror as the cloud shot all nine ponies out in random directions.

Celestia and Luna both took off after two ponies, as did Rainbowdash. The others stayed on the ground, trying to memorize the area in which the other six fell. Celestia and Luna both returned empty-hoofed, but Rainbow came back with another pony in tow. It was a strange stallion with pale brown fur and a red uniform on. There was a large helmet covering his face. The pony's tail was wrapped around a strange device.

Rainbow dropped the stallion and said,

"I caught one of 'em!"

The stallion lifted the helmet from his head and muttered, "Sweet Mary mother of Joseph I've died and gone to pyroland."

The ponies blinked and didn't respond, too confused with what the stallion just said.

He looked down at himself and screamed,

"I HAVE BECOME A PART OF FIREBUG'S TWISTED FANTASIES!"

The stallion reared up on his hind legs, kicking widly with his front hooves.

"WELL SISTER I'M NOT GOING DOWN WITHOUT A FIGHT!! YOU CALL THIS TURNING ME INTO A HORSE?? I'VE NEVER SEEN A COLORFUL MINIATURE HORSE, MAGGOT!!!"

Applejack whispered to the other ponies,

"Do you think this is the crazy 'un?"

"I AM NOT CRAZY!! I AM A SOLDIER OF THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA!!"

"He's definitely crazy."

The Soldier landed back on all fourse, wobbling a bit.

"You, princess, are not aware of the difference between crazy and patriot!"

"Or maybe he's the headstrong...?"

"CORRECT! MY HEAD IS STRONG! FULL OF THE KNOWLEDGE OF WAR!"

Celestia approached the eath stallion and said calmly,

"You, sir, have been summoned because we need your help. There is a strange magic here that we do not know anything of. We were told that your team could help us."

"Strange magic, you say?! I'm in!!"

"Oh... you are? You need no convincing...?"

"NONE! I'M READY TO GET BACK IN ACTION!"

Lunna then approached him, stopped next to her sister.

"We see now that you ARE the Headstrong. We need the rest of your teammates before we can approach this magical source. Will you help us find them?"

"Those sissies run from a fight!"

Soldier tried taking a step forward, but fell flat on his face.

"NOTHING BRINGS THE SOLDIER DOWN! HOORAH!"

Soldier lifted himself up, and used his tail to trigger the rocket launched, which blasted him straight up into the air.

"COME HELP ME CAP THIS POINT, MAGGOTS!"

He fell back down, and the ponies hurt a sickening snap as he landed. Sodlier grinned and shouted,

"STILL GOT IT!"

"Did... didn't that hurt...?"

"I'VE FELT WORSE PAIN!"

Twilight sighed and rubber the side of her face with her hoof.

"Ohhh this'll be a long fight...."

(Read Author's notes please, it explains something!)

Far and Wide

Medic stretched out, opening his eyes slowly.

"Vierd... why does everything look so much bigger?"

He slowly tried to stand, but immediately regretted his decision upon falling flat on his face.

"Vhat...?"

He stared down at his limbs, and nearly screamed. Stubs. His legs and arms, stubs. He noticed first that he had a tail. Then the muzzle. He examined himself carefully, starting to worry. Where were his feet? His hands? He noticed that he was still in his Medic's coat and gloves. He also noticed that he still had his medigun with him. For some reason or another, the familiar weapon comforted him. He caressed the gun in his... arms...? stubs...? and began to mutter to himself quietly.

"I must be dead... zis cannot be real... but I vas ubercharged, I couldn't have died... vhat am I, anyvays...? A horse...?"

He stared at the limbs that took the place of his arms and frowned slightly.

"No... I am not a horse. I am some strange type of... pony."

Medic ran his hooves along his face before bumping into something.

"...Zere is also something protruding from mein head... mein kopf..."

He spotted a puddle about a foot away, and dared to drag himself there. His stomach was now caked in dirt from the ground, but he had sucessfully reached the puddle. Medic forced himself up, balancing on all four hooves carefully.

"Mein Gott... I have a horn... I am a unicorn... No, zis MUST be pyrovision. Zere must be a mistake! I cannot be a quardupedal! Vhy am I so colorful?! Zis is an outrage!"

Medic screeched incoherently and rolled around on the dirt, pulling his medic's coat up. He felt something strange on his back. He flipped around, and stared at whatever it was.

"Wings!! I have wings!! Vhat is zis craziness? Zere is a red cross on my ass! Was frische Hölle ist das?!"

The Medic whined and burried his face in the ground.

"I am a man of science!! Yet here I am, on the ground, as a pony, crying. Zis is perhaps ze worst day of my life, and I have fought massive robot armies in arctic temperatures!"

Only a mile away, the Heavy had already woken up from his sleep and assessed the situation in a list.

"One. Heavy is pony. Two. Medic is missing."

The large brute quickly got used to his new legs and trudged on, in the opposite direction of Medic.

"Heavy must find his Medic. Heavy will not stop searching until he has found his medic."

The large earth stallion snorted before picking up his pace slightly. Heavy couldn't move fast, but he would not stop moving until he had found Medic.

In a distant city, the Scout awoke under a bridge. He muttered swear words to himself while sitting up.

"I swear, if that little purple cloud took me somewhere dangerous I'll..."

He stopped and stared down at himself.

"I... I am a horse. I am a winged horse."

He stood, balancing himself on his hooves.

"Alright, this is hell. I've died and gone to hell."

The other five had similar reactions, but they were even further away. The Spy had more of an accepting reaction, while the pyro was just generally ecstatic.

The Medic decided that the best course of action was to roll over to the side of the road and cry. Whatever strength and dignity he had left was frozen in the cold back at the battlefield. Medic was tired, alone, hungry, and in a body he didn't understand. He just wanted to give up, but no matter how hungry and tired he was, it felt as if his sould was just... stuck in his body. It couldn't leave.

He would have been like that forever possibly, until a passing pony in a wagon saw him there on the ground.

"Uh.... sir? Sir are you alright??"

The Medic glanced at the pony with the wagon. She looked friendly enough.

"Nein. I am not alright. I am not sure vhat is happening. I am lost, and I am tired. My teammates are probably somewhere else in zis godforsaken land, and I have no way of finding zem."

The pony tilted her head to the side, extremely confused.

"Um... well sir, if you're lost, I think I know a pony who can help you!"

"Really? Zat vould be nice."

"Sure! Come on, I'll take you to her!"

Medic pulled himself up and tried to walk, but immediately fell over once more.

"I am unable to valk."

"Oh... That's okay, here, you can ride in the wagon!"

The pony helped Medic climb into the back of her small travelling wagon, and gave her a warm smile. "Thank you, miss."

"Don't mention it! My name is Junebug, what's yours?"

"My name? My name is Medic. Not actually, but zat is what I am called."

"Oh, no wonder your cutie mark is a cross then!"

"My... vhat?"

Junebug stopped and stared at him, wide eyed.

"You... don't know what a cutie mark is?"

Medic decided that he didn't want to make a show of himself and explain everything to this stranger.

"No, I am just pulling your leg."

The mare giggled and started pulling.

"Oh, alright!"

Meanwhile, Scout had already taken to the skies. He felt like a natural born flyer, zipping over the colorful buildings with a grin. He sped around in circles for a bit, then started nose-diving.

"Hey, you!"

Scout halted and searched for the voice. He spotted a rainbow-maned pony staring at him, from a cloud. Alright, another winged horse. Scout glided over to her, frowning.

"Hey what's up?"

"You seem pretty fast, wanna race?"

He smirked and tipped his hat back.

"You want to race me? There's no compitation. Sorry missy, you might want to race someone else your own speed."

Rainbow glared at him, and spread her wings out wider.

"Missy? I'm no missy! I'm the fastest flyer in Equestria, bub!"

Scout crossed his hooved and grinned at her.

"Don't think so. You can't be faster than me."

"Wanna bet?!"

"Yeah! Maybe I do!"

Rainbow launched up from the cloud, glaring.

"Get ready to eat dust, loud mouth!"

Scout's grin widened, and he started flapping his wings.

"Where to?"

"How about... Canterlot Castle?" She pointed a hoof towards the magnificent structurein the distance. Scout nodded, and lowered his hat.

"You got it, pride parade!"

"On your mark, get set, GO!"

Right after she finished, Scout was miles ahead of her. After all, it was his JOB to be the fastest. This world shouldn't be any different from his own. He laughed triumphantly, before crashing down into a strange garden. He screeched and held onto his hat, which miraculously stayed on his head while flying. Scout braced himself for impact, and he felt the Earth curve around him as he dug into the ground.

He heard something move over to him. Expecting it to be Rainbow Dash, he looked up. Instead, he was staring at the helmeted face of a stallion.

"SCOUT! YOU MISERABLE FOOL, YOU RUINED THE DAISIES!"

Scout stared at Soldier, coughing dirt out of his mouth.

"SOLLY?! What are you doing here?!"

"I AM LIVING HERE TEMPORARILY! WE'RE HERE TO FIGHT MAGIC!"

Scout groaned and sat up, only now noticing the crowd of ponies surrounding the two of them. Scout was the smallest out of all of them, but only by a little.

"Who are the babes, Solly?"

"Excuse me? Did y'all just call us babes?!"

Scout rubbed his eyes and stared at the country accented one.

"Engie...??"

"...Pardon?"

Pinkie giggled and bounced up and down while saying,

"He called us babes!"

Scout frowned at the ponies.

"You're all... familiar..."

Soldier nodded, and slapped Scouts back with his hoof.

"I MADE THE SAME MISTAKE, SCOUT! THESE ARE NOT OUR TEAMMATES! OUR REGULR ONES, ANYWAYS! THEY ARE HELPING US FIGHT THE MAGIC!"

"Great, yeah, great. Why does the purple one have wings AND a horn? That ain't fair."

Twilight coughed awkwardly and explained to him slowly the alicorn rank process.

"Ponies here who accomplish great things are awarded Alicorn titles."

"Ah, mkay. Would beating the pride parade be considered a great thing?"

"Um... what?"

"Rainbow lesbian horse. I beat her in a race. Is that great."

"Wait...you beat RAINBOW DASH in a RACE??"

Scout laughed.

"Heck yeah I did!"

"He really is the fastes then... Well, we're glad you're here. We need your other seven companions."

"Oh.. Since Solly is here, that means we need... Pyro, Engie, Demo, Heavy, Snipes, Frenchie, and the Doc."

"THERE IS ONLY WAY TO LURE OUT THE FIREBUG!"

The ponies waited for him to continue his statement. When he didn't, Rarity asked,

"And what would that way be, darling?"

"A BONFIRE!"

"A... bonfire? I'm not sure I understand, darling..."

Scout sighed and shoved Soldier a bit with his pony elbow. He trotted over to a stone bench and sat down.

"Find a large open area with no plant life. Gather a mountain of wood, then ignite it. Then we'll find the pyro."

"How in tarnation is that gonna lure out Pyro?"

"Oh trust me, you'll see."

~~~

"Well shoot Sniper, it looks like we're all alone out here!"

"Yeah, and we're ponies."

"But hey, we still got our stuff! I can set up a dispenser, we'll be just fine."

"Should we start building a shelter then, mate?"

"Yep. This hollow tree should do fine. I can whip us up a digger, and we'll have our own little burrow. Sound good?"

"I like it. I'm just glad out of all the people I could have been stuck with, it's you. Someone who doesn't annoy me, and knows how to build."

Engie laughed, and started digging at the ground to find some rocks.

"Ditto."

Sniper stared up at the large tree and whistled, tipping his hat back.

"Well, she is a beauty. I'd like to spend time sitting up in some of those branches with my rifle. Nice view."

"And I'll spend my time inside crafting trinkets and finding out some way to get us home."

"Sounds like a plan, truckie."

Engineer pulled off his glove, and jammed it to the tree with his wrench.

"Let's go find a running river, partner. Then we'll come back here and sort out our mess. I can hear one now, it can't be too far away."

"Aight, mate."

The unicorns to each other and grinned, walking off towards the sound of rushing water. Junebug happily rounded the corner with her wagon. Medic had been riding with her for quite a while now, and they were fairly close to a place called Ponyville. He found the name absurd and ridiculous, but didn't think that expressing his opinion on her home town out loud would be appropriate, considering she pulled him along all this way.

"So, where are you from?"

The ride had been silent until now, when Junebug decided it was time for some chatting.

Medic racked his head for a decent answer, thinking of whatever he could right then and there...

"Oh, I can't remember... I seem to have lost a bit of my memory."

"Oh no!! Is that why you were laying on the side of the road, lost?"

"Precisely..."

"Then we definitely have to get you to that pony I mentioned earlier, right away! Her name is Twilight Sparkle, she's an alicorn princess pony!"

"Alicorn...?"

Junebug nodded, still grinning.

"I guess you forgot what they are, too? Alicorns are ponies who have both wings and a horn. They're the royalty of our land!"

"Oh, where do zay come from from zen??"

"Alicorn ponies are made when a unicorn, earth pony, or pegasus does something so incredible that they earn the alicorn title. Princess Twilight made a huge breakthrough in magic, and earned her wings! Isn't that fascinating?"

Medic stared down at his own wings, carefully hidden under his medic's coat.

"Ja... very interesting..."

Soldier and Scout entertained their new friends and the princesses with war stories. Some of them were slightly exaggerated.

"Oh heck yeah. This one time, I nearly got blown to chunks when this enemy soldier fired at me. But I drank this crazy soda, called Bonk, and it made me invulnerable for about a minute!"

"That sounds very interesting, Scout... do you have the recipe for such a drink?"

"As a matter of fact, I have the can."

Scout reaches down into his saddlebag with his mouth, and produces a can of cherry fission BONK atomic punch. "This is it, right here. This little can can go a long way. I only drink a little at a time, so it lasts me a whole battle. Besides, the only thing I need it for is sneaking past sentries and the enemy Heavy. This stuff tastes like pure energy."

"You say... you are invulnerable after you drink this?"

"For a little, yeah."

"If we could somehow... make more of your atomic punch, then we could use it to fight against the monsters coming from this strange magic."

"SCOUT HATES IT WHEN WE TAKE HIS DRINK!"

"Well yeah, but only if you take it from the SAME CAN!"

"YOU ARE SCARED OF THE GERMS, SISTER."

"I just don't wanna catch your crazy, Solly."

Bathed in harsh sunlight, Pyro forced her eyes open(ayyyy female pyro). She noticed that she was somewhere that looked as if it were literally the end of the earth, with the rock dropping almost completely vertical down at a 90 degree angle. She rubbed her head in thought, and then noticed her hooves. She squealed happily, her voice coming out as a muffled wail. Ah, she was still wearing her mask. Good.

She patted her head, and felt the horn there. Yes! Yes! So many things about this situation were yes!

She then saw a column of magnificent color reach into the sky, like the arm of a damned soul grasping towards the lights of the heavens for salvation. She found her mouth watering, wanting desperately to touch and dance with that beautiful column of color. She promised herself that she would make it there soon, and thus began her journey towards the great swirling storm of colors.

Demo was not having the best of luck. He had only two minutes to figure out how his pony body worked. Then, he was forced to run from a pack of angry looking wood dogs. He was currently hidden in a tree, dangling as the dogs growled and snapped at his hind legs.

"Oh, it's time to show ye how we do it in Scottland!!"

Demo reached into his bag for his grenade launcher, and dragged the weapon out with his teeth. Demo passed it to his tail and yelled,

"THEY'LL GLUE YE BACK TOGETHER IN HELL!!"

He laughed like a crazed lunatic as he was showered in singed twigs. He dropped to the ground, and flung off his bag.

"Sure as hell wasn't gonna die before ah got another bottle o' Scrumpy."

Taste the Rainbow

Medic spent the rest of his short trip scribbling in his notebook, training himself to use his newfound magic to write. So far, he had made notes on how he could have become an alicorn pony in this world. Was it his way of playing god, bringing people back from the dead, or transferring souls to inanimate objects, or even the ubercharge he deployed on himself as he passed through? He couldn't pinpoint an exact reason, unless they ALL contributed. After askin Junebug about her cutiemark, he decided that they were a mark of a pony's talent, like his medical history being responsible for his red cross. He also built up another ubercharge by using his magic to aim the medigun at himself. Normally he wouldn't be able to do this since he's the only one who can use the gun, and his arms are too short to aim it at himself properly...

Spy, being the slippery bastard he was, already mastered his abilities as a colorful quadrupedal equine. He thought it was strange that he could use his tail as another arm, considering it should only be hair. Then he realized that nothing would make sense in magical ponyland. He snuck his way into what looked like the castle of sorts, and made himself a home within the wall passages. They were dusty and broken, and he could tell that they had stopped using them. They made for a perfect hiding spot for the time being. The ponies in the kitchen had specific rotations which gave him barely enough time to grab a meal and retreat back to the walls. Being caught wasn't a problem, he could always disappear. He would walk around the hallways, but they echo too much to not cause suspicion.

Now was one of those times where he would stare out of a crack in the wall and just think, examining the pony way of life in this castle. He knew he couldn't backstab any of them, they likely do not have the same respawning devices that their team does... Besides, the ponies hadn't done anything bad yet...

Spy glanced down the hall to see two very familiar looking ponies accompanied by the princesses. He frowned slightly and took a puff from his cigarette, now watching the ones he assumed were his team members...

"And so now you understand why it is such a big deal that we find your companions?"

"YES I DO!"

"Alright, do you have any questions?"

"YES, I HAVE ONE QUESTION."

"What is it, Soldier?"

"I UNDERSTOOD NONE OF WHAT YOU SAID."

Scout nudged Soldier harshly again and said for the both of them, "Sorry about him Princess, he's slow. We understand fine."

"I DO NOT."

Scout rolled his eyes and pulled Soldier down, whispering into his ear.

"OH. NOW I UNDERSTAND!"

The princesses smiled, as did the other six ponies. Spy slid out of the wall, still invisible, and began to follow them in the shadows.

"We need to find your seven other teammates now. You said they were... Heavy, Medic, Pyro, Demo, Engie, Sniper, and-"

"Ze spy?"

The group of ponies abruptly stopped and spun around, gasping. Scout and Soldier groaned as Spy stepped forward from the shadows, moving his cigarette from his mouth.

"Gentlemen?"

"Oh for the love of crap Spy, how long have you been here?!?!"

"Longer than you, Scout. I landed on ze ozer side of ze mountain, and zen I crawled my way over. I've been living in ze walls for ze past few days."

"It's already been a few days?!"

"We arrived here at night, zen all of you but Soldier and I were knocked out and didn't wake up for maybe two and a half days. Ze ozers have probably been wandering around aimlessly like the imbeciles zey are. Ze only ones I know ze location of are Heavy and Demo."

"WHERE ARE THEY?"

"Some forest out zat way." Spy nudged towards the window with his head, and stepped up to Soldier and Scout. He stared up at Celestia and Luna, his eyes narrowing but not in a rude way. "Sorry, Mesdames, for popping in unannounced. Zey call me ze Spy, and it is pretty obvious why."

Celestia and Luna gently recollected themselves, losing their initial shock of the stranger appearing there.

"We're so very glad that you're here to help, Mr. Spy. Do you suppose you can lead us to this... Heavy and Demo? We would appreciate anything they have to offer as well. It will take all nine of you to defeat this magic."

"I'm afraid ze only things those bumbling fools have to offer is idiocy and alcohol. I can lead you to Demo but Heavy will mostly likely not come without finding Medic first. If we find Medic, we can find Heavy. Simple as zat. Pyro on the other hand will be attracted to zat bonfire outside. She will be around shortly."

"Wait, She? The pyro is a fricken SHE?!"

"You did not know? I suppose it is hard to tell zat someone is watching you when you're invisible, hmm?"

"You're a creep, you know that Frenchie?"

"I am aware. It is also a notable factor zat I couldn't care less. Now, Princesses, if you will allow me I will take control of my teammates. You may order your ponies to do whatever you want, but we are our own business."

Applejack glared at him and leaned towards him, speaking in a low voice.

"Ah don't know who you think you are Mr. Spah, but y'all are bein' awfully rude to our princesses. They rule Equestia ya know, they can ask you to do what they please!"

"Zey can, but we won't listen."

"They're way stronger than you could ever be!!"

"Zey wouldn't last a minute where we're from."

"I bet ya they could! I bet ya we ALL could!"

"Not without ze Ubercharge."

"What in the hay is a-" "Ponies, please!"

Spy and Applejack stopped and turned to face Princess Celestia, both shutting their mouths. "I understand that you have your differences, but Applejack, Mr. Spy is correct. We cannot control their actions because while they may be ponies now, the Scout has explained that they definitely are not where they come from. They aren't from our kingdom. Mr. Spy, you know how to operate your team. Please, do so."

Spy took another puff from his cigarette and raised a cocky eyebrow at Applejack. "Very well. Scout, you take to ze skies. Remember ze ground patterns we all came up with during ze war against Gray Mann? Use zose in ze sky. Fly in ze Delta pattern but move your head in ze Yankee pattern. Got it?"

"You got it Mr. Baguette!" Scout flung open the window and launched himself out of it, spreading his wings and taking to the sky.

"Soldier, Beta pattern through ze forests West and North of zis spot exactly. Understand?"

"TEN-HUT! HOORAH!"

Soldier aimed his launcher at the wall, and blasted himself through the open window. Spy smirked at the confused and awed expressions of the ponies around him.

"We're men of war. Zis is normal. I have... unfinished business to attend."

Spy waved to them slightly and disappeared. He trotted down the hall quietly, off to continue swooning a chamber maid.

"Alright, well, we'll follow their lead then... Rainbowdash, please follow the Scout and do what he does but maybe a bit of distance away so that we can cover more ground. Fluttershy, I would like you to ask all of your animal friends to help us on this one as well. Applejack, you and Rarity go north of here. Pinkie, take south. Twilight, I would like you to go East and West. Luna and I will travel to different towns and ask the ponies if they have seen anypony who looks... out of place. If you find a team member, bring them back here and show them to a room in the same hallway where we put the Scout and Soldier. No go my little ponies, the fate of Equestria depends on it!"

After a little while of following Scout's complex flight patterns, the two pegasi stop on a cloud for a little break at Rainbow's house. Scout leans over and dips his hoof into the liquid rainbow, sniffing it. Rainbow tried to contain her excitement as Scout licked the liquid. Shockingly, he didn't have any reaction.

"Huh. Tastes like hot wings."

Rainbow gaped, and stared at Scout like he was crazy. "Seriously?! No horrible burning?! No kick to the gut?! ANYTHING?! How?!"

"You kiddin'? Back where we come from, we have stuff with like a hundred times more spice, like Ghost Peppers. Sniper can eat some of the hottest crap on the planet without a problem, so this rainbow stuff would be pretty easy for him to take."

"That's impressive... Actually, now that you've learned some stuff about Equestria, care to tell me a bit about where you come from?"

"Oh sure. Earth is some fresh hell. Where we come from, we're omnivores."

"What's an... omnivore?"

"It's something that eats both plants and meat."

Rainbow's face went green, and she covered her mouth with her hooves.

"You eat... meat..."

Scout grinned and added,

"I still have meat cravings in the pony body, but I don't think I can eat it."

Burrow Buddies

"Well sniper, it seems like we're doin' pretty good for ourselves! We've got a burrow started, we've got a source of water, and ah've gotten enough materials ta build mah contraption. Plus, ah think I still have a teleported up back at the upgrade shack. After we find the others, we can just head back. Ain't this workin' out well fer us?"

Sniper only nodded, polishing his rifle with his tail. He agreed that things were working out well for them now, but finding their teammates might be a bit more difficult than they're planning on.

"...Is there somethin' up there in the sky?"

Sniper glanced up and squinted his eyes, trying to make out what was up there. He pulled up his rifle and staring through the scope. "Crikey, Truckie, it's Scout! And he's flyin' with some... lesbian pony."

"What in the hell is that supposed to mean?"

Sniper tosses him his rifle. "Look through the scope ya bloody bogan." Engie caught the rifle and squinted through the scope, his mouth dropping open slowly.

"Well I'll be a monkey's uncle! It IS Scout! How do we get his attention, Sniper?"

"Mate, I got pony magic, but there's not a snowball's chance in Australia that I'll be able to use it to get him down. Think I can just, shoot his wing?"

"Ya wouldn't be able to hit his wing because of mah machine, remember? Our weapons don't do anythin' to another teammate."

"Nrgh. Destroy it real quick, and move the dispenser up here. I gotta shoot at him, mate. Scout can take a bullet to the belly and be perfectly fine, mate."

"At least be merciful and aim for his ear so that it won't hurt as bad."

Sniper cracked a grin and shifted his rifle to position as Engineer pulled out the destruction PDA. "Good thing ah I can still connect to the machines back home. Alright, it's broken. Fire away!"

Sniper took aim carefully, and sent a bullet right through the tip of Scout's ear. Scout screeched and halted in the air, grabbing onto his head with his hooves. "AGH! WHAT THE CRAP WAS THAT?!" Rainbow Dash stared at him worriedly, repeatedly asking if he was okay and what happened. Scout rubbed at his ear and sighed. "I think I've been shot by something, but I don't know what.."

"DOWN HERE YA TWITCHY HOOLIGAN!"

Scout and Rainbow both looked down to see Sniper frantically waving from a tree. Scout groaned and dropped down as Rainbow followed, not understanding the situation.

"DAMMIT SNIPES YOU COULD'VE TAKEN MY HEAD OFF!"

Sniper tilted his hat back and nodded slowly as Rainbow's mouth dropped open.

"But I didn't, mate. The secret to pony magic, is bullets."

"Wait... are you telling me that you hit his ear from way down here, and you were aiming for it?!"

"That's right."

"But... But that's too far of a shot! There's no way you should have been able to make that!"

"Well, I did." Sniper laughed and leaned against the tree. "Becoming a unicorn was the best decision I ever made."

Engie growled from down below, now rebuilding his contraption. "Well ya got his attention Sniper, I'll give ya that much. Have ya seen any of the others, Scout?"

"Soldier and Spy. We got a bonfire set up back at magical pony castle for pyro, and then there's a bunch of other colorful horses helping us find the others."

"Sounds like a bloody miracle, mate."

Scream Fortress

Scream Fortress

The Medic didn't know what grabbed him, or what could be big and vicious enough to drag him out of the wagon like that. Either way, he found himself unable to breath. Something wet and furry was blocking his face. It reminded him of how sometimes after they would win a match, Heavy would drag him into this big bear hug and-

"HEAVY HAS FOUND HIS MEDIC."

Oh, so it WAS the Heavy. Medic relaxed a good deal after realizing that it was his close friend and not some vile monster from the forest. Medic pushed himself a way and stared up at the hulking beast of a stallion, mouth wide.

"Wow... you are... massive..."

"Yes, Heavy was massive before he was pony."

"Indeed you were, mein freund! You have no idea how happy I am to see a teammate... I vas nearly jumped in zat wagon..."

Heavy stood over Medic easily, sheilding him from the rain. Medic lifted his medigun with his magic and aimed it at the Heavy, just because that's what he's used to doing.

"Aren't you cold? You don't need to stand over me like that."

"Heavy will protect Medic."

"I'm not a child, I can stand ze rain!"

"The rain is cold."

"Zen we can build an umbrella! We are surrounded by massive canopy leaves!"

Medic hunched down and stared at the foliage around them. He took ten canopy leaves, and tied them together with vines. He mounted them on a thin branch, like some kind of umbrella. He shuffled out from underneath Heavy, levitating the umbrella above himself. Heavy grabbed Medic's coat with his teeth. He pulled him onto his back, and Medic held the umbrella over the both of them. Junebug poked her head out from the wagon and gasped at the massive stallion before her. Medic waved slightly and said,

"It vas fun riding with you, but I think I vill be fine now!"

Junebug nodded hastily, while jumping out of the wagon and quickly pulled it in the other direction.

Medic laughed to himself, holding the umbrella higher above the two of them. "Onwards mein large freund! Ve have a team to find!"

~~~

"So you... DON'T want me to get Ms. Pauling?"

"Naw. Ah guess you could ask her if she wants tah help, but don''t force her."

Scout snickered, and leaned against the tree.

"No one can make Ms. Paulin' do anything. She's the toughest one of us. Other than Pyro that is, who's actually a girl. Did you guys know that? Pyro's been a lady this whole time."

Sniper and Engie's eyes widen in shock, unaware of that little fact. "Didn't they not want female mercs to work with us since we're uh... not the most 'stable' team of guys around?"

Rainbow frowned at them, unsure of what they meant by that. "Unstable? What do you mean, unstable?"

"We aren't decent people, Sheila."

"Didn't Demo try to do somethin' with a woman while drunk and now he's a registered sex offender or somethin'?"

"Hell if I know."

"And you probably belong in prison."

"OI."

"Well, you do."

"You're a bunch of no hopers. Twinkle toes, lesbian horse, whateva your name is, we ain't the prettiest fish in the school. That's all I gotta say."

Rainbow scrunched her face at Sniper's comment. "What is a lesbian, and why do you guys keep calling me one?!"

The three mercs stared at her awkwardly, glanced at each other, then back at Rainbow.

"Oh honey..."

~~~

"So yer sayin... we're stuck as little ponies for a while?"

"Until we find a way to kill ze wizard again, oui."

"Aye... tha's gonna be hard..."

"Will it be? Come on Demo, I'll show you to ze castle."

~~~

"...Do you see anything yet, mein freund?"

"Heavy sees rain."

"...Right."

Medic found a way to attatch the umbrella to Heavy's ammo belt so that he wouldn't have to suspend it anymore. He laid down on Heavy's back, his tail and mane drooping off of the side. In that moment, Medic felt peace, and comfort knowing that the massive bear-sized pony was his friend and not his enemy.

"...Ze rain is nice though, ja?"

"Da."

He sighed, looking over into the forest. Heavy had never been much for conversation. Medic squinted his eyes and lifted his head slightly when he thought he saw someone walking through the forest a good deal away. It looked like another pony... but he couldn't make out any description of them. No, wait... there were two ponies... Three... no, four?

Medic rubbed his eyes and squinted harder. The figures were gone.

"...Herr Heavy?"

"Da?"

"I... believe I am lozing mein marbles."

"We all knew this, Doktor."

~~~

Pyro grunted in annoyance, now dragging her flamethrower across the ground by her tail. She felt as if she had been walking for days now, permanently trapped in her fireproof suit...

She just wanted someone to find her.. ANYONE... She hoped that her teammates were around. But how would she ever find them..?

Suddenly, she remembered something that perhaps her teammates did not. She yanked her mask off once again, and unzipped her suit. Ponies don't need clothes. She left all of her gear on the ground as it would be useless with her lack of ammo, and took a moment to appreciate her gorgeous fiery cutiemark.

Pyro jumped into the nearest tree, carefully making her way to the top. She wished she had something left in her flare gun to fire it off, but there wasn't. Besides, this would work just as well.

She gripped onto the top branch tightly, before clearing her throat and letting out the most annoying scream known to anyone;

"MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEDIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIC!!!"

MEDIC!

Something has gone wrong. We don't seem to have an archived copy of that chapter.

Gargoyles and Gravel

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Sol-journ

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Blood in the Water

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One Mann's Trash is Another Mann's Nightmare

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Major League

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Give Up Already

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Stop Hitting Yourself

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"Oops"

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Übercharge

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Elements of...

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Deus Ex Machina

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Flow Fire Flow

The pyro felt as if she had been walking for many hours, when in reality, it was only one. She took multiple breaks, and felt overheated in her suit. At one point the heat overwhelmed her so much that she pulled the suit off and stuffed it into her bags. She's surrounded in fire constantly but sometimes the heat was just too much. She slapped her goggles back on and stared up at the column of wild colors, feeling her enery replenish itself. She just HAD to get there, and soon. Pyro glanced back at herself and noticed the strange colorful flame cutie mark that she posessed. She grinned and giggled happily, coughing up a bit of smoke. It was nice, she decided, to get out of that suit and breathe in the fresh air. Alright Pyro, time to continue on.

She trotted across the ground, kicking small rocks across the ground with each step. She liked her creamy orange fur and the way her fiery red and orange curly mane and tail bounced as she moved. She learned quickly how to make fireworks with her horn as well as use her tail to operate her flameflower as usual. Pyro didn't really mind not having hands anymore, she was thouroughly enjoying herself now as a pony.

However, Demo wasn't. He was chased by wolves made of branches, a chicken-lizard, and a strange amalgamate of a tiger, snake, and goat. He had been running all day long and didn't even know where he was. Demo only wanted to find his friends and get out of this strange land...

~~~

"Well Medic, the rain is coming down pretty hard huh?!"

Junebug and Medic had crowded themselves both into the small wagon parked carefully on the side of the road. A massive rainstorm suddenly blew in, halting their journey.

"Ja, Ms. Junebug... How long do you suppose it vill be raining? It is really putting a damper on things... Literally..."

"But that's okay! We can do what ponies always do when we're in a bad mood?"

Medic suddenly got an overwhelming feeling of dread as his mind began swimming through the possibilities of what she might mean. Random music began playing from seemingly nowhere.

"Vhat ze hell...?"

Junebug took a deep breath, and Medic flattened his ears against his head.

"We're in the rain... Stuck under the wagon sheild. We're in the rain... Not some big and open field! In the rain. In the rain. I'm singing. In... In the rain. In the rain. I'm singing. In... In the rain. In the rain. I'm singing. In... In the rain. In the rain. I'm singing. In... Your turn!"

"In the rain... I'm stuck in zis freezing rain... Singing vis you... I vish my death vill come soon..."

Medic repeated singinging as Junebug repeated her verse.

"And zis is crazy... vhere is zis music even from???" (To the tune of this lovely song http://www.bensound.com/royalty-free-music/track/jazzy-frenchy )

Junebug giggled and rolled onto her back. That wasn't so hard, now was it?! Your accent is really funny to listen to, you know."

"Gee, thanks, it's not like I can change ze way I talk."

"No no I mean it in a good way! Your accent is very attractive!"

The medic felt his face get warmer. Was a cartoon horse really flirting with him right now? Or maybe all ponies were just this friendly?? When Junebug inched closer to him, Medic decided that she was definitely being a little bit... TOO friendly. He didn't really want to spend any time in that rain, so he dealt with her slow approaches. A few minutes later, Junebug was close enough that Medic could feel her breath. He pushed as far back as he could against the edge of the small covered wagon, allowing his medigun to hang loosely out in the rain. Junebug made a "ready to pounce" face, but before she could do anything else, Medic was violently yanked from the wagon and dragged into the rain while screaming, unable to see what nabbed him.

On the other side of Equestria, Pyro was making some decent progress. She estimated another three hours or so of walking until she could reach that beautiful, beautiful column of color... Everytime she looked back up at the magnificent spiral, she felt as if her energy was replenishing itself. She stopped momentarily to pull her mask back on. Pyro began whistling a tune that was familiar to her, and started to skip along the dirt ground.

Scout, Rainbow Dash, Sniper, and Engineer had a lengthy discussion about the strange magic that they were supposed to be fighting. Upon hearing the description of the alicorn who was casting the said magic, the RED ponies had an immediate realization of who they might be up against.

"Sniper, if ah set up the other teleporter here, do ya think you can go back and get yer huntsman?"

"Don't see why not. Might also be able to grab Pauling."

"Havin' her here would be nice, but ah don't know if we should drag her into somethin' like this..."

"Only if she's around, mate."

Rainbow watched, curious, as Engineer dropped a metal case to the ground. The case opened up to a small metal machine, slowly retracting itself.

"Teleporter goin' up!"

He dragged his wrench out with his tail and started repeatedly banging on the thing.

"Why is he...?"

"That's how he builds it up faster, Sheila. It makes the process much easier."

The teleporter whirs to life, glowing their signature bright red. Engineer explains to Scout and Dash how he and Sniper were going to teleport to the other side. Engineer was going to move the teleporter to the most secure place there, then he and Sniper would grab the team's other weapons.

Scout then had to explain to Rainbow how the teleporter worked, and why various bread items were shot out as the two stallions returned. Both travelled back and forth, returning with weapon after weapon. They figured that the best place to store the weapons and teleporter was in the burrow, which they dug even deeper. Engie also constructed a protective layer above their items and the teleporter, so that none of it would be harmed. Rainbow Dashed watched how effortlessly the Engineer built all of these things. Engie noticed her questioning glances, and smiled warmly at her.

"Ah do this every single day, ma'am. It's part of mah job to know exactly what to do, what needs to go where, and how it needs to get done. It's all part of what ah do."

Rainbow glanced at Sniper and asked, "So what do you do?"

"Live by three rules, Sheila. Be polite, be effecient, and have a plan to kill everyone you meet."

"O-Oh.."

"I sit up in the most uncomfortable nests all day, every day, scoping out the enemy team. I'm more of a support class, Sheila. Not into much action."

"'Till he gets out that huntsman of his. Then Snipes goes nuts with arrows."

"Shut it, Scout.