How To (Not) Wake Up a (Giant) Princess

by Dr Atlas

Rating: everyone
Tags: Comedy, Royal Guard, Random, Slice of Life, Twilight Sparkle, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic
Length: 3906

A private in the royal guard is tasked to wake up Princess Twilight. It turns into a problem...a big one.

Guarding a library at night is one thing,
but waking up a princess that's over ten times your size...

Author's (strange) inspiration: I'm kinda hittin' a brick wall with my other stories, so here's one that came to me during a late at night browsing of pictures.

Published 2016-05-23 17:10:01 UTC
Last updated 2016-05-23 17:10:01 UTC

One Job

“PRIVATE!”

The Private jumped and saluted on instinct while keeping his spear in his other hoof’s grasp, trying his best to look alert and tough despite the fact his head was in pain. “Sir yes sir!”

A pony next to him, his commander, pushed his hoof away and went eye to eye with him. “Care to tell me why you keep yawning on our way to your assignment, especially at this hour!”

The Private stepped back and rubbed his eyes. “S-Sorry, sir, i-it’s just that it’s pretty early right now and-”

“It’s only four in the morning, Private!” The guard growled. “First you can’t keep your eyes open at night, now you can barely open them in the morning, what kind of training did you go through, Private!?”

Private looked back and forth before shrugging innocently. “Uh...t-the weird kind, sir?”

The Commander merely rolled his eyes and continued walking with the Private next to him. “Sometimes, I wonder what goes through your mind, Private. Makes me think that you can’t handle this mission.”

The Private stood taller. “I can handle this, sir. S-She’s just another prin-”

“She isn’t ‘just another princess’ Private! She’s one of the six elements of harmony and she has more power than you could possibly imagine, especially at her size.”

The Private sighed. “I know, sir, I’ve heard all about what she has done and is doing. S-She’s uh...important.”

The guard eyed him. “That’s an understatement, Private.”

The Private turned away, getting a bit confused by this. “Sir, all I’m doing is waking her up. It doesn’t sound difficult.”

“You don’t understand, Private! She’s big!”

The Private was starting to question this pony’s words of choice to describe the purple princess. “Yes, sir, I know she is. She’s a princess.”

The commander was slightly surprised. “So you do know what happened to her? Good.”

“Wait, what happened to-” The Private was interrupted when his face made contact with a door, making him stagger back and rub his muzzle.

The Commander shook his head at this and faced forward. “We’re here.”

Private looked up, noticing something. “This is her room?” Private tilted his head, knowing doors to bedrooms don't look like the double doors to the library.

The guard glared at him. “Don’t you know what this is, Private? I mean, for Celestia’s sake, we stand here every night!” Private slowly nodded his head. “Then why are you asking this?”

The Private started fidgeting. “Uh...well, w-wouldn’t she be sleeping in her room instead of the library, I-I mean, I can understand some ponies usually sleeping in there during the end of spring, b-but that’s usually for the students and their finals, and last I remember, she’s isn’t a-”

“Son, this mare once worked as a librarian in a town out a ways, and before that she was a filly who was caught staying in this room longer than any other student in Canterlot at night, and now you’re asking me why she’s in here?”

Private started putting the pieces together, but some were still left out. “I-I’m just wondering why she’s sleeping in there is all.”

The guard decided he might as well explain that. “For starters, her room’s not big enough, and she was in here when it happened.”

The Private cocked his head. “When what happened?”

The Commander facehoofed. “Private, you just told me you knew what happened to her, so are you gonna keep asking questions, or are you gonna do your job?”

Private closed his eyes and opened the door, walking in with his head high. “Sir, if I can handle one princess then I can...han...dle...a...noth...er…” He stopped walking and stood still the second he opened his eyes, seeing a sight that he would never think were possible to be seen.

The Commander kept a straight face and stood next to him. “Why the surprised face, Private? You said you could handle it, right?”

The Private’s jaw continued hanging, still having trouble comprehending what was laying in front of him. “S-Sir?” He slowly turned to the Commander and pointed forward. “Ha-H...H-How is she-”

“And I expect her to be in Celestia’s quarters in an hour, understand?”

Private slowly backed up. “B-But sir-”

“Good.” He turned around and started walking, seconds away from leaving the young stallion to the princess.

Unfortunately, Private wanted an answer, so he ran up to him and yelled, “SIR! C-can I at least ask you something before I even try to wake up…” He craned his head back to Twilight, cringing. “Uh...h-her.”

The Commander crossed his front legs and raised an eye. “If it involves the socks, I really have no idea why she kept them on when she came in here yesterday. My theory is that mares can’t handle the cold nights so they wear socks to keep them warm.”

The Private rapidly shook his head. “No! T-That’s not what I was going to ask!” He looked at her again, his eyes still trying to get use to it “W-Why is she-”

The commander continued to act calm and shrugged. “Probably from reading too much, that might explain why she’s still asleep.”

Private took his helmet off. “SIR! Why is she so-”

“She probably gets it from her mother’s side.” He answered, thinking he was asking about her looks. “I suggest not asking her, Private. Last I checked, the captain made some poor sucker ask her out, not only that, but I don’t think guards,” He poked the Private’s chest place. “especially new ones, have a chance with her.”

It took a moment for him to realize what his Commander was talking about, making him blush. “S-Sir, I-I would never-”

“Then stop wasting time and wake her up! I’ll be waiting…” Without another word, the guard walked out of the room and shut the door. leaving Private all to himself with just him and her. The Private gulped and looked forward again, still seeing that she was still asleep and snoring soundly, curled up with her front legs under her chin and her wings slightly unfurled..

It was at this point Private realized he was standing right in front of a mare that was roughly half the size of the room, with small stacks of books around her, some even resting on her giant hooves. She inhaled deeply through her nose before exhaling, Private almost falling from the force of the wind.

Despite all of this, the guard stood straight, knowing he had a job to to. “Well,” He thought. “Here goes.” With slight confidence, he held his head high, cleared his throat, closed his eyes, and said as professional as possible: “Princess Twilight! Your presence is requested. Please, follow me.” He held his head down and pointed his spear to the door, waiting for a response, but after moments of silence, Private slowly raised his head up and opened his eyes to see that she was still sleeping.

“Uh...P-Princess Twilight...Your presence is requested immediately.” More silence came, forcing Private to step closer, even though he wanted to stay as far back as possible from this giant mare. “P-Princess?” He said quieter. His only response was a flick of her ear. Private sighed and took another step forward. “Ahem...Princess.” He repeated, only to get the same result. “Alright then, time for a different approach.”

With fear in the back of his mind, he stepped closer until he was a few feet away from her front hooves. He set his spear down and placed his hoof on the side of her giant leg, tapping it lightly. “Princess...come on now.” He continued tapping, leading him to tugging at the sock with his teeth. “How hard of a sleeper are-” He lost his footing and fell on his back Twilight responding with a big yawn, sending him back a ways from her exhale.

“It’s never easy…” He said to himself as he stood in front of her leg again. “Okay, take two…” Ignoring his cowardness, he grabbed the sock with both his front hooves and tried climbing up. “Princess, will you just wake up already.” He was almost at the top of her leg, trying to get to her ear.

Then, without warning, Twilight readjusted herself and flung her front leg forward, sending the Private back first into the side of the wall. She yawned and scratched her ear with her back leg like a dog before curling up and setting the side of her face on her left hoof, her other one still outstretched.

The Private groaned and slowly got back on all fours, shaking his head a bit to regain his focus. “Oooow…” He staggered forward while holding his head, making his way back to her face. He looked up at her and narrowed his eyes. “Oh, it’s on…” He cupped his hooves around his mouth and yelled out, “Princess, wake up!” With more silence other than her soft breathing, he stood on his hind legs and prepared to shout again.

In an instant, his body let out all the air out of his lungs once Twilight’s other hoof pressed against her front one, the Private now sandwiched between both legs He immediately panicked and tried pulling himself out, managing to only get his left front leg out. “Pa-Princess, f-for goodness sake just-”

He was interrupted when the side of Twilight’s face came in contact with his head. She then started nuzzling against him, softly moaning with a smile. Her doing this only made him blush and try even harder to get out, his other front leg managing to come out. With one final push, he managed to escape the nuzzling mare and tumble onto the floor again, breathing a couple times and trying to regain his composure after what just happened.

“Tha-That’s it!” He took hold of his spear and ran up to Twilight, pointing it straight at her, noticing her smile was gone and hearing her groan in slight sadness. “Princess Sparkle, wake up right now before-” Twilight’s hoof flung forward again, the Private now hitting the wall face first. He slowly slid to the floor and groaned in both pain and annoyance. He stood up and faced her again, his face as determined as ever. “Alright, the armors coming off!” He took off the armor on his hoof and chest before throwing them to the side, the armor covering his flanks came last. “Giant mare or not, you’re waking up!”

Twilight’s tail flicked in response, making Private lose it and charge right at her with his spear, no longer caring how he would wake her up at this point. Once he made contact, the spear bent without even penetrating her hoof. The Private managed to drop his jaw at this before his spear bent back, sliding him across the floor and making the spear shoot into the air. With his back to the floor, the Private closed his eyes and groaned. “How strong is this mare, how can she take a spear to-”

*SHINK*

The Private opened his eyes and shot them to the left, seeing that the spear missed his head by inches. He jolted up and regained his breathing cycle. “Oh...Okay...n-no more spears.” He turned back to Twilight, seeing that the only thing he pierced was her sock, leaving a tiny hole in it. He sat down and rubbed his temples, trying to think of something to get this mare to open her eyes.

“Come on, ya stupid stallion…think!” He stood up and started walking. “What do I need to do to wake this mare uuAAAAAAAAAP!” He slid on a book and tumbled right into a stack of books, the works of literature falling on top of him. Twilight’s ears flicking along with her eyes. Private didn’t notice as he popped his head out of the pile of books. “For Celestia’s sake, what more can go wrong!?”

“Mmmmhm? H-Huh?”

The pony froze, knowing he just made the biggest mistake of his life right now. His heart started pounding against his chest in seconds, knowing he would soon pay the price for knocking down her books.

He slowly turned around to see her giant eyes opening, the Private seeing his own scared reflection in them. “Wha?” She clenched both her eyes and rubbed them, blinking them a couple times for her vision to refocus. “Who knocked down my books? It took forever to organize...” She answered her own question once her eyes laid on a small guard, his body shaking.

Both ponies stared at each other, Twilight looking confused while Private looked in fear. The mare broke the silence once she realized what was going on. “Oh for- really?” Twilight raised her head in the air and narrowed her eyes. “She’s sending guards to do this now, is she that lazy?”

Private’s eyes continued staying wide, trying to think of something that wouldn’t cause any more harm to come his way. “P-P-P-Pr-rinces...I-I...I was just-”

“I mean, d-doesn’t she know how early it is?” Twilight asked.

“I-It’s...uh…” He yawned, knowing it was still early. “Um...a-almost five...in the morning.” He started fidgeting. “L-Listen...Uh...I-I didn’t mean t-to-”

The Private yelped and sunk to the ground when Twilight raised her hoof and pointed it at the doors. “Go tell her that I’ll be at normal size when I wake up again.”

Private started calming down once he realized something. “Y-you don’t care about-”

“The only thing I care about right now is sleeping, so, if you would please…” Her horn lit up and the front doors to the library opened, the Private looked at her then the door, knowing he still had a job to do.

“B-But my Commander isn’t gonna be happy with me when he finds out I...failed…” He hung his head in shame.

“Failed?” Twilight tilted her head, closing the doors. ”Failed what?”

“Uh...y-you know...waking you up. T-That’s an order that he sent me to...to…” The Private stopped talking when Twilight started snickering. “W-What’s so funny?”

Twilight stopped laughing and smiled. “Guard, you need to realize this isn’t really that much of a mission. You’re just waking me up, nothing too serious.”

“B-But he told me that I have to take everything I do seriously. W-What would happen if I didn’t wake you up in time? I-I’t be horrible, right?”

Twilight’s shook her head, still having a grin on her face. “Guard, how long have you been here? As in, in the royal guard.”

Private thought about this. “Uh...a-about two months ago...I-I kinda thought it’d be cool to join after seeing what they did during the Canterlot invasion, w-wasn’t that-”

“That was over a year ago, though.”

Private smiled nervously. “Heh...w-well, I-I kinda...failed the training a couple times...b-but I’ve been going two months strong ever since I passed!”

“Two months?” Twilight laid her head on the floor and turned over, facing away from him. “Listen, how about you come back in about five hours, by then, I’ll be up.”

Knowing he couldn’t take no for an answer, he ran up to her and stood in front of her face. “B-But you need to go now! T-The commander ordered me to-”

Twilight opened her left eye. “And the princess is ordering you to let her sleep. Don’t make me pull rank, now.”

The Private stomped the ground. “Princess! I can’t fail on my first mission, that would be-”

“Private, don’t you see what they’re doing to you right now?”

Private stepped back. “W-What are you talking about? W-Who’s doing what?”

Twilight rolled on her back, the Private almost fell from the thump that was made. “Think about it, you’re a new recruit, you haven’t been here that long, this is your first one order, it’s rather difficult.”

“Uh...y-yeah, it was difficult! You’re the hardest sleeper I’ve ever seen.”

“You do realize it’s hard to hear a voice when I’m this size?” She put one front leg on her belly while another one laid under her head. “The spell makes it kinda hard to hear or feel something, you know.” She looked down and noticed the small hole in her sock. “I’m guessing you used a spear at one point.”

The Private looked away. “Uh...y-yeah, s-sorry about that…” He then remembered how he woke her up in the first place. “B-But the books, woke you up! How did that do the trick when yelling and hollering at you didn’t?”

Twilight shrugged and closed her eyes. “I’m not sure. The spell is strange like that.”

“What spell? H-How did you even get this big in the fir-”

“Look, what I’m trying to say is that this is nothing but some kind of rookie prank, trust me, I’ve heard about Shining having to go through the same things when he was a Private.”

The Private raised his eyes, not seeing Shining as a Private like him. “Y-You mean Captain Shining?”

Twilight nodded. “I’m pretty sure they’ll be coming back here to see how you’re doing, then laugh, then send you back to work.” She laughed. “I remember hearing about Shining trying to wake up Celestia, but her magic likes to not let that happen.” She opened an eye and looked at Private. “Have you done that yet?”

Private shook his head. “Uh...n-no, b-but the Commander himself told me to do this...t-there’s no way he’d-”

“OH PRIVATE!” Three knocks came from the door, Twilight turning her head to it while the Private had to only rely on sound, since Twilight was in the way. “Is the princess up yet?”

“You think he’s worn himself out?” Another voice said with a snicker following soon after.

“He’s probably tugging at her socks.” One more said, laughing. “You made sure to act serious about this, right?”

Another laugh came. “I could see the fear in his eyes, it was pretty hard to keep a straight face the whole time, I’ll tell you that!”

Twilight turning to Private with a face that said ‘told you so’ written all over it. The Private sat on the floor with his head down. “B-But it was an order…” He whispered.

Twilight smiled and whispered, “Here, I have an idea…” She glanced over at the armor he had laid on the floor. “That’s your helmet and armor, right?” She levitated all of it over, showing it to him.

The Private raised an eye. “U-Uh...yeah, why do you ask?”

Twilight smiled before opening her mouth and throwing his helmet in, snapping her mouth shut and closing her eyes. “Stay behind me and keep quiet.”

The Private’s jaw dropped. “H-Hey! D-Do you know how hard it is to replace-”

“Shhhh, this is gonna be great.” She turned over again, her back facing him as she curled up in the same position she was in at the start. She closed her eyes and set her hooves under her chin. “Just you wait…” The Private wanted to object, but after hearing everything she was saying and the voices outside, he was sure this was probably just a trick, so he sighed and sat down, waiting.

Three more knocks came. “Private, come on now!” The doors opened and three guards walked inside, one of them being the Commander. “It’s time that you...Private?” The three of them looked around

“Huh...where’d he go?” A guard in blue fur said.

The Commander kept a straight face. “He’s probably hiding, knowing he failed his...ahem, assignment.” He snickered while the Private narrowed his eyes.

It didn’t take long for them to notice the armor next to Twilight. “Ey, ain’t this his?” The brown one held up a chest pale, tilting his head.

The Commander nodded while Twilight started opening her eyes. “Looks about his size. Same with the shoes and the flank covers. Everything’s here, except for a helmet."

“Well...I-If his armor’s next to her, th-then were’s-”

“Morning, guards.” All three of them yelped as Twilight raised her head. “What brings you three here, don’t you know I need sleep?"

“P-Princess..u-uh…” The Commander stood straight while the ponies behind him stood back. “Have you seen a pony come in here, a little smaller than me, white coat, messy black hair.”

Twilight rubbed her chin. “Sounds unoriginal...but I’ve been sleeping here up until you three came in here.” Twilight paused and held her hoof up to her mouth. “Huh...that’s strange…”

“W-What is…” One guard asked. “Y-You mean the armor next to ya...b-because we’re wondering why-”

Twilight shook her head. “No, it’s not that...it’s...hmmm.” She opened her mouth wide enough for them to see her pulling out something that made them look in shock and horror. She pulled out the helmet from her mouth and inspected it, raising an eye. “Huh...wonder how this got here.” She dropped it on the floor in front of the guards, one of them yelping and hiding behind the Commander.

The Commander started shaking. “W-Wha...H-How did...did you...i-is he-”

Twilight looked at the pile of armor in front of her. “Weird, there’s more things here...and for some reason, my stomach feels a little full too.” She then smacked her lips while the guards started realizing what happened to the Private. “Come to think of it, that kinda left a pretty good taste in my mouth as well, almost makes me want more…” She continued looking in the air before looking down at them, her eyes half closed. “Say, you guys wouldn’t happen to know where I can find more of this…” She lowered her head down, her face inches away from them. “Do you?”

The Commander continued shaking while the two ponies behind him started backing up. “D-Did you...d-did you eat...e-eat-”

“EVERY GUARD FOR THEMSELVES!” One guard turned tail and ran, followed by the next one, leaving the Commander with her, all it took was Twilight raising an eye for him to scream and run away as well. She waited until they all ran out of the room before she laughed, covering her eyes with her hoof.

The Private walked around her and looked ahead, seeing that they even shut the doors. “Wow...I-I had no idea a Commander can scream that loud.” He smiled, but was still worried. “Uh...d-do you think they’ll be okay?”

Twilight calmed down and rolled her eyes. “They’ll probably complain to Celestia and have her come here, in the meantime…” She yawned and laid her chin on her hooves. “I might as well get some shut eye.”

He yawned as well, realizing it was still only five. “Uh...yeah, right...um…” He started fidgeting. “Hey...uh...d-do you mind if I stay here...u-until they get back and stuff.”

Twilight closed her eyes. “I don’t mind, just make sure to wake me up she gets here, okay?” She smiled, hoping he would take that as a joke.

Normally, he would’ve taken that seriously, but after everything, he just smiled and grabbed his armor, putting everything on except for his helmet, which he cringed at when he saw the bite mark she had left, making it unwearable. “Yes...well, uh...sleep tight...I guess...w-wait, you still haven’t explained to me why you’re so big!”

Twilight opened an eye, knowing the perfect answer. “It’s magic, I don’t need to explain anything.”

The Private sat down and sighed, knowing he would never know. "Well, I guess that's good enough..."

"That, and these socks are cursed to make anyone grow to this size."

He looked up. "Wait, what?"

"Nothing! Nothing..."

Author's Note

So, yeah, this story was kinda inspired by that piece of art NC drew.
That magnificent bastard
Hope the story was just as good.