Trick or Treat, motherfucker
KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK
Pinkie banged on the front door of the house she was trick or treating at this dark and energetic Nightmare Night. As per the usual for this holiday, the streets of Ponyville were filled with the cheerful squeals of delight coming from the local foals marveling in all of the free candy, frightful but festive décor, and the outfits they were wearing. Pinkie Pie herself was no stranger to the joys and pleasures of the holiday. It was probably one of her absolute favorites next to Hearth’s Warming. What she found to make for an even more fun time was acting out in whatever costume she was wearing and keeping “in character.”
For instance, when she dressed up as a chicken she squawked and pecked whenever she saw fit and left behind eggs (of whose origins she refused to ever reveal to her friends). Normally this routine of her method acting would be relatively harmless and fun for her and everypony else involved.
That is, until tonight.
As she waited impatiently for whoever owned the house to answer the door, she repeatedly tapped her hoof against the ground and looked back over her costume for the evening. It was a bright red spandex suit that covered her entire body, face included, and had a couple of black spots in a few other places such as around her eyes. Strapped to her voluptuous thighs were two pistols and on her back she held a pair of katanas. All of which were real. Gotta keep her outfit as professional looking as possible after all. She was a professional trick or treater.
‘Yeesh this thing really rides up in the crotch, doesn’t it? Owie.’ Pinkie thought to herself, lightly rubbing her crotch which from the looks she was making that could be seen through the mask, must’ve felt uncomfortable.
Unfortunately Pinkie had picked a bad time to do this as now in the open doorway of the house she was standing at was the owner of the home; a grey Pegasus stallion with a dark purple mane. And he’d just happened to open up at the time where Pinkie was rubbing her privates. Clearly he wasn’t exactly amused by this, given his deadpan expression.
“…Can I help you?” he asked, getting Pinkie’s attention. Pinkie immediately took her attention off her pain and to the stallion in front of her, trying to act as cheery as possible as if nothing had happened.
“As a matter of fact, yes!~” she said, holding out the jack-o-lantern bucket she’d brought with her, as if to say, ‘gimmie candy now’
“…Lady, you’re in like, your twenties and pleasuring yourself on my doorstep. Go home.” The stallion responded shutting the door in her face.
For a moment Pinkie sat there, not exactly knowing how to respond to this. Nopony in Ponyville had ever denied her request for candy on Nightmare Night before now and she was left in shock. Eventually she only shook her head. “Poor guy must be new here. Let’s try this again.” She said seemingly to herself as she knocked on the door a second time. This time, the stallion came to the door much quicker, now with a more annoyed expression on his face.
“I thought I told you to beat i-“ The stallion was stopped midsentence as the barrel of one of Pinkie’s pistols was now suddenly pressed up against his nose. Now clearly terrified, indicated by a bead of sweat rolling down his head and frantic-looking eyes, he looked back up at Pinkie. Through her mask she had a pretty irritated look about her.
“Come on buddy, get with the times. Don’t be an ageist asshat. Or stingy.” She said in a light and casual tone of voice, again holding out her candy bucket. The stallion fearfully nodded and didn’t waste any time in filling it with candy. Pinkie then lowered her gun. “Thanks pal. We’re done here. Now now don’t waste your energy shutting the door in my face, I got it.” she said, reaching forward and pulling the door shut, leaving the mortified stallion to contemplate what just happened.
Pinkie took a breath of fresh, nighttime air and looked back into her bucket, which was filled to the brim with candy at this point. “How you doin’ in there Gummy? Got your little candy party in full swing? Likin’ the blackjack and hookers in there?” She asked, to which Gummy popped out of the bucket with a chocolate covered mouth. He attempted to lick it off his lips, which he accomplished, only to lick his own eyeball too.
“Just as I thought.” She said gently patting his head, to which Gummy responded with a croak. Pinkie snickered a little before her ears perked up a little and looked directly in front of her. “Oooh. Hi there. You confused? What, never seen me all M-rated before?...well you haven’t been looking hard enough.” She said, rolling her eyes. “Though you might be asking ‘Mommy why is best pony using swears and holding ponies at gunpoint for candy?’ If you ARE asking that, well get your happy ass back to the top of the page and look again. Speedreading bastard.” she said, pulling her mask up revealing her pink mouth and popping a gummy bear into it, making her smile quite big.
“Ooooh yeah that’s some gooood shit.” She giggled. “Anyway, back to business as usual. I’ve got like 30 more houses to hit tonight. Candy is my poisooooon.” Pinkie then proceeded to stick an open pixy stick up her nose and inhale it with a big snort.
Getting the remaining houses in Ponyville to give her candy wasn’t exactly a difficult job for Pinkie. She was so fast that she was mostly able to get from house to house with relative ease. None of the other ponies seemed to be as reluctant to hand over the sugary stuff as the one she had to hold up. Kind of a shame that it had to be done but she didn’t want any stingy dickheads holding out on her.
Now she was just spending her time sitting on the front stoop of Sugarcube Corner, candy bag containing Gummy next to her, and relaxing as she ate her candy. She held a piece of paper in her hoof, as well as a crayon and was spending some of her time creating some very thought provoking pieces of art.
As she was drawing, one of the local foals dressed in a black outfit with slitted, red glasses approached her with a confused expression on his face. “Um…Miss Pinkie is that you in there?” the foal asked her. Pinkie looked up at him, now deadpanning.
“No, it’s Andrea Libman, YEAH OF COURSE IT’S ME.” she said with a hint of sarcasm.
The foal was slightly taken back by Pinkie’s unusual behavior. She wasn’t known for acting like a smartass like this. What’s gotten into her? “W-Well um, me and my friends were just wondering i-if you wanted to trick or treat again with us.”
Pinkie seemed to dismiss his request and instead waved her hoof. “Not this time kiddo. Much like that of an anime fan on prom night, I’m going solo. Don’t wanna be slowed down, ya know how it is. But while we’re on the subject of trick or treating, can I ask what the hell you’re supposed to be?”
“O-Oh well I’m Cyclops, and I shoot lasers from my eyes.” The foal tried to say proudly.
“Stupidest fuckin’ power I’ve ever heard of. Now go on and egg someone’s house or play rap music ear-bleedingly loud or something, go, now, move.” Pinkie said, lightly turning the foal around and edging him forward. Incredibly mentally and emotionally confused, the foal uncomfortably returned to his group of friends to continue their night. Pinkie simply sat back down with a deep sigh. “Oooh. I’m so good with kids.” She giggled as she returned to her coloring.
“Waddya think Gummy? Am I ahead of my time or what?” Pinkie asked, showing the drawing to Gummy, who only responded with a croak. For whatever reason, this caused Pinkie to grow an overly offended look to come through her mask. “No that’s not a hippo with a mane, that’s a pony. Where the hell do you see a hippo at?” Pinkie turned her drawing in every which direction to even get an idea of what Gummy was supposedly telling her.
“Hmmph…ah well doesn’t matter if you’re uncultured Gummy. I still love you.” she said with a more cheerful tone to her voice as she reached over and hugged Gummy along with the candy bag. “…And I mean that platonically, don’t get any ideas. The friends with benefits thing doesn’t work if you’re a gator. Yeesh, I know I look sexy in this costume, but cool it.” she quickly asserted. It was right then that Pinkie’s tail started to twitch a little, causing her ears to perk up a little bit.
“Woah, Pinkie sense is tingling. Something bad’s gonna happen, I can feel it.” she said, quickly standing up. “Alright, whatever terrible thing that’s bound to happen could be anything and it could happen at any moment, so do what I’m doing and keep a good lookout Gummy!....Gummy?” Pinkie turned around when she didn’t hear an answer from her reptilian friend, only to her surprise to see that the bag containing her candy and Gummy had completely disappeared.
“GUMMY WHERE’D YOU GO?!?!” Pinkie yelled, putting her hooves to her cheeks and her eyes widening in horror. Her eyes quickly darted around Ponyville’s streets for any signs of Gummy, leading her to a group of ponies running off into the darkness carrying her candy bag, a few of them seeming to be snickering. The traits she noticed of them was that one was a Pegasus with a mustache and the other being a unicorn with a torn ear. Other than that, not much could be made out.
“Ooohnononono ooh what am I gonna dooo?” Pinkie held onto her chest and breathed in and out to try to relax. Though it was probably pointless since her most favorite gator in the whole world was just taken right out from under her. Just then, a smaller version of herself sans her outfit but sporting a pair of angel wings and a halo appeared on her shoulder.
“Just follow them and ask for Gummy and your candy, back. Easy peasy right? Nopony gets hurt and everything turns out just fine~” The small, angelic Pinkie said to her. At the same moment, another smaller Pinkie appeared on her other shoulder, this one wearing the suit.
“Dude fuck that, just rip off their heads and stick it in between their legs, that’d be hilarious!~” the suited Pinkie suggested. The angelic Pinkie’s nose scrunched up in disgust.
“Ewww you’re nastyyy” she whined.
“Hey at least I’m not a marketing whore like you are! Oooh look at me, I’m so pink and girly and random. Please buy my toys!” the suited Pinkie shot back doing her best to mock the other one.
“Okay how about you two shut up and let me do this?” Pinkie suggested as the other two Pinkies of her subconscious disappeared from her shoulders. “Now where was I…right right, turning those gatornappers into dog food.”Pinkie reached behind her to the handles of her katanas and unsheathed both of them. Given what her situation was, and the unbelievable amounts of rage building up inside her gut, she started to fantasize about what it would be like to shove a stick of dynamite in one of those pony’s asses and for the blown-apart remains of their charred and headless corpse to rain down after the explosion.
Or teabagging the corpses was always an option too. Whatever she did, they were no doubt going to pay.
“Sure would be a shame if someone just happened to crash the party and slaughter everyone, yep. Time to make the chimi-cherry-fuckin’-changas.” Pinkie said, smiling behind her mask and tightening her grip on her swords.
SLAM.
The door slammed behind the heavily breathing stallions as they entered their shack on the outskirts of Ponyville, which contained a few other ponies, presumably their accomplices, sitting around a table with a single light sitting above it. The ponies around the table consisted of one earth pony wearing a tux, a unicorn with a crack at the base of his horn, and a very muscular looking pegasus that only had one wing, the other being nothing but a stub on his back. All had poker cards in their hooves and they turned around to face their comrades that’d entered the door. “H-Hey sorry we’re late fellas. We just got kinda hungry so we made a quick stop.” The unicorn with the torn ear proclaimed as he took a few pieces of candy from the plastic pumpkin bucket he’d taken from Pinkie and stuffed them in his mouth.
“So while we’re waiting here for you dumbasses to get back to finish this game, you were out stealing candy from some kids? Quit screwin’ around already and sit down.” One of the ponies at the table demanded. They nodded and simply took seats at the end of it.
“Not kids, just some dumb mare that wasn’t watching her back and was honestly getting too old for this kind of thing. Hey uh…you guys didn’t look at my cards while I was gone, did you?” the unicorn with the torn ear asked.
“You’re even stupider than you look if you think we didn’t.”
“Damn it. Fold.” He said, grumbling and crossing his forelegs.
“How much longer do we got before we have to get the coke out to the boss, huh? Don’t know how much longer we can hide out before somepony starts catching on. Only a matter of time ya know?” the muscular Pegasus asked the rest of his gang.
The earth pony in the suit patted his comrade’s back. “Tomorrow we get out to Manehatten and then we don’t gotta deal with this stuff no more alright? Once it’s to the boss it’s off our backs. Keep your head alright? We don’t need any pansies on our team got i-“ before the unicorn could finish, one of the ponies screamed at the top of his lungs, piercing the ears of everyone else and causing them to hold them in pain. “AGH, WHAT THE HELL IS YOUR PROBLEM?!”
“I WAS TRYING TO GET CANDY OUTTA THIS BUCKET AND SOMETHING IN THERE TOUCHED ME!” the pony in snapped back, quickly pulling his hoof out of it. Now attached to his hoof by the mouth was none other than Gummy, seeming to non-aggressively gum on the pony’s hoof with a blank and soulless stare. “…What is THAT?!”
“It’s an alligator or something but….where the hell did its teeth go?” another one of the ponies observed, confusedly scratching his head.
Just then, from practically nowhere, the window to the shack completely shattered, sending shards of glass flying all over the room and scattering across the floor. The ponies quickly covered themselves to avoid it, but a few ended up still getting scratched up by it. When they removed their forelegs from the fronts of their faces, they were faced with the terrifying sight of Pinkie now standing in the middle of the room with her katanas drawn and a pair of earbuds playing music quite loudly in her ears.*
“You guys invited Gummy to the party buy not me? Awww I’m so hurt that I might just need to hurt one of YOU now.” Pinkie declared and before anypony could react to her, she swung one of her swords and sliced right through the hoof of the pony that Gummy was holding on. Pinkie caught Gummy, still suckling on the dismembered hoof before he hit the ground and set him on her head. “Wow you’re really liking how that tastes huh Gummy?” she asked
The pony screamed in agony and held onto his foreleg which was now splurting blood out of the open wound with every second that passed. Pinkie didn’t take it all that serious though, since she only kneeled next to him, their cheeks touching. “…You know this wouldn’t be the first time I’ve seen a guy in a cabin in the middle of nowhere get a limb chopped off...weird.” She whispered, the next second she proceeded to take out one of her pistols and shoot him in the head, making him drop to the floor dead and shut up.
The other ponies in the room were obviously shocked at the sudden turn of events and one of them pulled a gun of his own. Before he could fire it, Pinkie threw one of her swords at him and it swung into his eyesocket, the other end of the blade coming out the back of his head and pinning him to the wall, eliciting pained screams from him as well. “This is prooobably someone’s fetish.” She said as she removed the sword from the eyesocket and letting the stunned and shaking pony fall to the ground. She then took an oversized, pink dildo out of her mane and very slowly pushed it in the pony’s eyesocket. “You’re welcome Eyefucker23.” She snickered after putting a bullet in the pony’s forehead.
Another one of the ponies tried to lunge toward her with knives now present in his hooves. Pinkie responded by taking out one of her pistols and taking careful aim. “Cockshot!” she yelled as she fired and hit him square in the genitals. The stallion immediately fell to the ground with a yelp and held onto his bleeding crotch. “Whoops. Did I do that?” Pinkie snickered, taking her sword and pinning him to the floor with it. Another pony tried to get her from behind but was stopped almost immediately by a cannonball bursting through the shack’s walls and hitting the pony square in the face and pushing his entire body towards the wall, smashing his head against it with the cannonball seeming to take the place of his head.
“Oooh that’s a headcanon alright.” Pinkie said as she took out one of her crayon and drew a smiley face on the cannonball. “Thank you remote controlled party cannon, now with actual live rounds, patent pending.”
Finally, Pinkie noticed the last pony, the one that’d actually swiped her candy from her, trying to make a run for it out of the shack and out into the nearby woods. Groaning in annoyance, she took her pistol and shot him in the back of the head, making him fall dead. “Tell me about the rabbits George.” She grumbled under her breath, looking at the display of absolute bloody carnage she’d just created in the shack. “Oooh, might have a lot of explaining to do about this. Well the-“ she stopped mid-sentence when she saw under the table was what looked to be quite a big supply of cocaine stashed there.
Contemplating her next course of action she looked up at Gummy, who only gave her the same, unemotive and blank look he always gave. “….Do I dare, Gummy?...Ah who am I kidding we both know the answer to that.”
BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP.
“U-Ugh…owiiiie my heaaaad…” Pinkie whined as she reached over for the alarm clock to silence it. Succeeding in her morning task, she then shifted focus to the throbbing pain in her head, and the terrible pain that the sun coming in through the window was causing. “Oh dear Celestia, what’d I do last night?” she said to herself. She looked down and saw Gummy at the foot of the bed, sleeping soundly in his own personal dreamland, along with her red and black spandex suit which laid sprawled across the bed as well.
Of course, she found this quite cute but the moment was ruined for her rather quickly when she realized that the bed she was now sitting up in wasn’t even her own. Following that, she felt a mass in the bed next to her and slowly began to come to a realization.
This was Fluttershy’s bed. Which could only mean the pony sleeping next to her was….
Too afraid to even look, Pinkie got out of bed, picked up the previous night’s outfit, and burned it to ashes in Fluttershy's backyard.
Author's Note
*
As the description stated, I've been in just a little bit of a sour mood lately, so I felt that I just needed to write this ridiculous thing as a kind of pick-me-up. Take it seriously, don't take it seriously, I don't really know, but thanks for reading anyway 
