"I'm the man with the poodle!"
The Adventure of Bob
**********
This is Bob.
Bob, also known as Bob E. Bob Jr., is your normal, everyday high school senior with senioritis. There is nothing special about Bob, and that is just the way Bob likes it. He’s not athletic, but also not pathetically fat or slim. He’s not obnoxiously intelligent or stupid, nor does he have any big dreams. His biggest dream is going to college to get a degree in accounting and work for a big company doing accounting stuff since accountants are rumored to get paid lots of money. The only thing strange about Bob is his name, particularly his middle name. You see, his middle name was long forgotten by his parents and he never learned it, and his middle name just happened to be smudged out of his birth certificate, leaving only an “E” behind. His dad, Bob E. Bob, Sr., also forgot his middle name, but claims it was out of choice because apparently it was so horrible that people bled out of their ears and eyes whenever they heard or read it.
But that is enough about Bob’s boring life, we will now on with how he managed to doom himself with a bag of popcorn.
**********
It’s a special day in the life of Bob Sr., not only is it a time to relax after a hard week’s work of running a gingerbread man bakery, but it’s also the time of the week where he can truly relax and enjoy God’s gift to mankind. Popcorn.
But little does Bob Sr. realize, his son has sabotaged his precious bag of popcorn and is lying in wait, ready to record his reactions on a video camera to post on YouTube later.
“Oh man, this is going to be great” giggles Bob from the safety of the stairs
Bob Sr. pulls out a bag of popcorn that is easily quadruple the size of a normal bag. He cocks his head quizzically and shakes the bag to test it to see if it is, in fact, a bag of popcorn and not something else. He nods approvingly when he hears the popcorn kernels bounce off of each other and the bag interior, and he eagerly puts the bag in the microwave. He sets the poptime to five minutes, as per the instructions on the bag, and stares the microwave longingly as the bag spins on the plate hypnotically.
Bob snickers as he watches his father stare at the spinning bag. But so far there has been no reaction whatsoever.
One minute in. Bob Sr. is still staring at the popcorn with a stupid grin on his face and there still hasn’t been any popping.
Two minutes in. Bob Sr. is still staring with a stupid grin on his face and there still hasn’t been any popping. Bob is getting bored now.
Three minutes in. Bob Sr. is still staring with a stupid grin on his face and there still hasn’t been any popping. Bob is really getting bored.
Four minutes in. Bob Sr. is still staring with a stupid grin on his face and the kernels begin popping. But there is still no reaction from the aluminum foil balls that Bob stuffed in the bag. Bob is really really bored.
Four minutes and thirty seconds in, the kernels are furiously popping and sparks start flying out of the bag, burning off pieces in the process. Bob Sr. is unfazed but Bob is wide awake.
Five minutes in and the microwave beeps to inform Bob Sr. that his popcorn is done. And right as the beeping finishes a giant fireball blows open the microwave and the whole kitchen is engulfed in a wave of fire! Bob swears and jumps back, dropping the camera in the process. When the camera hits the floor it sparks and explodes into tiny shards of former camera parts. The force of the explosion launches Bob’s mother’s three thousand dollar camera off of its spot on the kitchen counter and smashes into a dozen pieces against Bob Sr.’s Bowflex. The Bowflex groans as it falls over and crushes half of the coffee table. The part of the table that isn’t smashed pops upwards, flinging a coffee cup through the glass patio door, shattering it completely, and the cup hits a rake on the back porch. The rake falls over and knocks the safety valve loose on the gas tank on their four thousand dollar mega grill. The spark from the safety valve being dislodged ignites the gas in the tank, blowing the grill into pieces, shredding the patio, and collapsing a third of the house while the shockwave from the explosion shatters glass and sets off car alarms for a whole block.
***
In the house behind Bob’s house, a middle aged man wearing a comfortable bathrobe looks up from his newspaper and stares off into space like something horrible had just happened. Then he relaxes, says “Nah” and then sips a cup of coffee and resumes reading his newspaper.
***
Bob stares at the scene, mouth agape, he had no idea that a bag of popcorn filled with aluminum foil could do so much damage. His father is covered in soot, his clothing and hair is singed (patches of his hair are still glowing from the fire), and smoke is rising off of him. His jaw is slack and eyes void of all life. How could this happen to him? How could God allow such a horrible fate to befall upon him and his precious bag of popcorn...
Bob.
Bob Sr.’s face contorts from brain dead shock to undeniable rage. His lips quiver and his breathing becomes labored as he clenches his fist and turns towards the stairs. He sees his son biting back a laugh, and sweating because he’s trying so hard to do so.
“BOOOOOOOOO*AAAOAOAB*!” screams Bob Sr.
Bob runs out of the house laughing so hard his sides feel like they’re going to split open, and his father chases after him with the fury of a rabid rhino kicked in the butt. Bob Sr. chases Bob through the neighborhood, his screaming equal in volume to his son’s laughter.
A minute or two later, Bob runs in the middle of the road still laughing like an idiot, as his father continues his pursuit. But little does Bob realize that a speeding car is whipping around the corner and speeds up when he seeing him run. Bob sees the car out of his peripheral vision, and in the car is a crazy bugged eyed man with crazy hair, laughing maniacally.
“Oh shi-”
Bob is hit by the crazed driver before he can finish his sentence. He feels his bones snap and shatter as he rolls over the hood of the car (smashing the windshield in the process). And when he’s flying through the air, tumbling like a ragdoll, he notices a man walking a poodle staring at him. Then Bob’s head cracks against the pavement and everything goes dark.
************
Bob’s eyes are still closed, but he can feel the warm rays of the sun beat down on his face, a soft breeze carry a beautiful natural scent, and amazingly soft, nutritious soil on his back. He smiles blissfully and breathes in the fresh air, if this is a dream, it is a good one. Then he hears a dog barking and the little tags on dog collar clinking together. He tries to keep his eyes closed, but the dog starts sniffing and licking him. Still keeping his eyes closed he grumbles and shoos the dog away. But then it happens. He feels a warm liquid trickle on his face. Bob’s eyes shoot open and sees a little border collie peeing on him!
“Aw son of a bitch!” yells Bob as he jumps to his feet
The border collie yaps like it’s laughing at him and it runs laps around him as he furiously tries to catch it. He really wants to snap that little monster’s neck! It will rue the day it ruined his nap with piss!
Bob screams swear words and threats as he chases the little monster through endless uniformed rows of apple trees. The dog jumps through a little opening in a white fence and Bob tries jumping over the fence too, but somehow gets his leg caught in the fence and lands on his face. He grunts and after pulling his leg out of the fence trap he stumbles to the ground and once again lands on his face. When he pushes himself up and dusts himself off he sees a little female pony staring at him. She has an orange coat and a blond mane and tail tied into...a ponytail? Wow. But the thing that really catches his attention is that she looks cartoony (especially with those big green eyes), and the stetson she’s wearing and the apples tattooed on her flank only adds to the amusing scene.
He knows he’s no longer on Earth, because let’s face it, no animal on Earth looks like this odd pony. But now the question arises: If he’s not on Earth, then where the heck is he? He’ll find out later, though, right now the adorable pony’s staring is making him slightly uneasy.
“Wow, you are a strange little animal” laughs Bob uneasily, not expecting any answer
“I’m a pony. Name’s Applejack, nice t’ meet ya” says the pony in a Southern twang as she extends her hoof for, what? A handshake?
Bob’s jaw drops and his brain dies for a moment. Cartoony anatomy. Talking pony with a stetson and ass tattoo. Both of them speak the same language. Picture perfect farmhouse. Wait, a farmhouse! Bob sees the farmhouse and he smiles nervously at the grinning pony named Applejack.
“Um...Hi” says Bob
Then he runs like an olympic athlete to the farmhouse with the hope that he can find a weapon to use to fight off the talking pony hick. There is no telling what evils that adorable thing is capable of after all. But unfortunately for poor Bob a lasso is wrapped around his waist and he’s tugged back, making for a very hard landing that leaves a ringing in his ears and little birds dancing around his head. He’s sure he’s hallucinating the birds, put in the land of talking ponies, anything is possible. Next thing he knows, Applejack is standing above him and the dog is drooling all over his face.
“Sorry ‘bout that, sugar cube,” says Applejack sincerely while gently shooing the dog away “but you bein’ a Human an’ all I can’t have ya runnin’ around without registerin’ you first”
“What the heck are you talking about?” asks Bob as he frees himself from the lasso
Applejack sighs.
“I really didn’t think it was that complicated” grumbles Applejack
“Well exc-uuuse me Ms. Talking Pony. But I have no idea where I am because this certainly isn’t Heaven and it’s too cutely designed to be Hell” says Bob irritably
“Yer in Equestria at Sweet Apple Acres in the town of Ponyville”
Bob bursts into a laughing fit that makes his face turn redder than a cooked lobster and makes his sides hurt. He kneels over and pats Applejack on her head, or stetson in this case, making her grumble again and bat his hand away with her hoof.
“Oh that’s good. That’s really good” laughs Bob “Equestria! Ponyville! Talking ponies! Dogs pissing on my face! This couldn’t possibly get any better!”
“Winona leaked on yer face? Gosh, I’m sorry t’ hear that. She’s been peein’ on jus’ about every Human she sees, lately”
‘Well that’s fantastic’ “Okay, it was nice meeting you Jack”
“Applejack”
“Whatever, I’m sure all I have to do is fall asleep and I’ll wake up in my bed or something”
“Well yer gonna have to get registered before ya sleep”
“Ha! Like I’m going to listen a hick pony”
Applejack and Bob exchange glares for a few seconds before she turns around and leaves. Bob laughs and waves “bye” to the pony, then he turns to look at the cute farmhouse wondering if it has a comfortable bed inside he can use. But while he’s marveling at the farmhouse he feels a very blunt force on his butt that pushes him forward. He looks behind him and sees Applejack has the top of her head pressed against his butt and is pushing him forward. He digs his feet in the ground, but the little pony’s small stature is incredibly deceiving. She literally pushes Bob across the farm before he decides to walk himself, but not without a generous exchange of insults first.
When they finally get to the obnoxiously happy and colorful town called Ponyville, Applejack leads Bob to a decent sized building in the shape of a cube. They go inside, which has more Humans of all shapes and sizes sitting patiently on folding chairs while ponies walk around passing out water and peanuts. Bob looks out the window and sees the man with the poodle he saw before his death (or whatever happened to him) walking across the street, casually. Then the man with the poodle sees Bob and he stops...and stares. Bob stares back at the man with the poodle and feels the hairs on the back of his neck stand up. Something does not feel right about the mysterious man. The man with the poodle then continues walking down the street and Bob breathes a sigh of relief.
Then Applejack clears her throat and Bob takes that as a sign to go to her. She’s waiting for him by a desk with another pony, a stallion this time, looking bored sitting behind his desk. The stallion studies Bob for a moment before he pulls out a piece of paper with the number “487” on it with his mouth and hands it to him. Bob forces himself to smile politely at the stallion while taking the slip of paper. After taking the paper the stallion takes out a bag of what Bob is guessing is money and hands it to Applejack.
“Thank ya kindly” says Applejack before taking the bag and leaving
“Hey, what the Hell!” says Bob angrily, he feels like he just got sold
“Have a seat!” barks the stallion in an unnecessarily harsh voice
Bob holds up his hands defensively and sits next to a well built man with jet black hair slicked back, dark sunglasses, a leather jacket, and jeans. Bob looks at him awkwardly for a few seconds before looking around the boring place. They don’t even have music playing, only ponies calling out “Next!”. A minute later Bob’s eyes drift back to the man sitting next to him.
‘Screw it’ “Excuse me, do you know what’s going on?” asks Bob
“Yes, we are being registered to live a far better life here on Equestria than on that horrible place called Earth” says the man dramatically without looking at Bob
“Uh huh...So what’s your name?”
There is a moment of silence before the man turns to Bob, pulls off his sunglasses and says “I’m Drake Firewall, a badass who died saving a little girl from a fire”
Drake puts his sunglasses back on and slowly turns away from Bob and stares off into space again. Bob quietly says “Okay” while looking away from Drake to study the rest of the building. It reminds him of the DMV, but his observations find that it’s filled with people who had either been sucked through portals, killed but got resurrected, or fell asleep and woke up here. The place is no longer boring. It’s creepy.
And three creepy hours later, Drake Firewall, the self-declared badass, is called up with a weary “Next” (although Bob will admit that the voice is kind of cute). Drake cracks his neck and walks forward and disappears behind a door. Bob’s really nervous now, he just wants to get this thing done and over with so he can wake up from this stupid dream and suffer the wrath of his father. A much deserved wrath considering what he did to the house with just a popcorn bag of aluminum foil. Plus, the man with the poodle is kind of creeping him out. And speaking of the man with the poodle, Bob sees him watching him from outside across the street, staring at him again, unmoving.
Bob slouches down in his seat and when a stallion pulling a cart of anvils walks past the window, the man with the poodle disappears. Bob sighs with relief and is called with the “Next”. Bob silently gives a thank you prayer before walking through the door. After going through the door he is directed towards a cubicle. When he gets to the cubicle he’s expecting someone else other than a very tired purple unicorn named Twilight Sparkle (thank you, name tag). But Bob has a poor lapse in judgment when he snickers, causing the unicorn to stare at him while arching an eyebrow.
“Is there a problem?” asks Twilight
“Nope, none at all” says Bob while sitting down “I just think your name is funny, is all” ‘I can’t believe I’m talking to a unicorn’
“What’s funny about it?”
“Well you see, there is this thing where I come from called ‘Twilight’ and the vampires sparkle in sunlight. Twilight...Sparkle. Get it?”
“What if I say ‘No’”
Bob sighs and drums his fingers on the arm of the chair, this whole thing just got more awkward. Twilight pulls out a folder with some official documents kept locked in with little binders and she also takes out a checklist and a camera. Bob cocks his head while Twilight levitates the checklist and a pen in front of her.
“I’m going to ask you a series of questions, and if you answer truthfully nothing will happen. But if you lie, we will find out and we will be very, very angry with you” says Twilight
“‘And then we will write you a letter telling you how angry we are’” quotes Bob
“No, we’d throw you in the dungeons while we figure out a way to send you back to Earth”
Bob’s eyes widen and he leans back in his seat, even more nervous now. This is such a messed up place. Couldn’t she say jail or something less dark and demented than ‘dungeon’? But he does admit that quoting one of his favorite movies was not the best of ideas, considering the different dimension aspects and whatnot.
“First question” says Twilight suddenly “What is your name?”
“Bob E. Bob” replies Bob reluctantly ‘Here comes the shit storm’
“Your full name”
“Bob E. Bob”
“So your first name is ‘Bobby’ and your last name is ‘Bob’?”
“No, my first name is ‘Bob’, my middle name is ‘E’, and my last name is ‘Bob’”
“Riiight, I’ll pretend to believe you. What’s your middle name?”
“I don’t know”
“You don’t know your middle name?”
“I was never told and my parents forgot. They only remember that it started with an ‘E’. Can we move on?”
Twilight scrutinizes Bob for a few seconds before jotting down his name and moving on.
“Age?” asks Twilight
“Eighteen” answers Bob
“Height?”
“Five foot five inches”
“Weight”
“Um...I don’t know...one twenty five”
“Kilos or pounds?”
“Pounds. Who uses kilos? Do I even look like I’m over two hundred pounds?”
“Sorry, sorry, I’m just going down the list here”
Bob groans and rubs his temple and spends the next fifteen minutes answering questions relating to his physical appearance, health condition, mental condition, and race. But ‘Human’ didn’t fly so he had to label himself as a ‘Canadian-French-Irish-Cherokee-American’. He was trying to be a smartass with that label, but Twilight took it as a genuine answer and even said “Well you’re the first Canadian-French-Irish-Cherokee-American in Equestria” (no sarcasm detected in her voice). That made Bob facepalm. But then the questions started getting really weird.
“How did you arrive in Equestria?” asks Twilight “Did you: A) Come here via portal, B) Come here via death and resurrection, C) Come here via waking up after a nap, or D) Other. If ‘B’, please explain cause of death. If ‘D’ please specify ”
Bob’s jaw drops.
“What kind of question is that!” says Bob louder and whinier than he intended
“Just answer the question. I got three hundred Humans to register” says Twilight impatiently
“Fine, ‘B’. Hit by a car”
“Okay. Now, how sexually active are you?”
Bob doesn’t say another word, he just smacks his lips, stands up, and walks out of the cubicle. He doesn’t need this, especially from little magical ponies. However, his attempt to leave the building is brought to a grinding halt when he is suddenly pulled back to the seat by magical energy. He tries to resist with pathetic squirming, but the more he resists the tighter the grip becomes.
“Answer the question and you’ll be free to leave” says Twilight irritably
“That is a stupid, perverted question” sneers Bob
“But it is a necessary one. Celestia said so”
“No it isn’t! Not even Customs ask these questions!”
“Answer the question”
“Sexual harassment!”
Twilight facehoofs and mumbles “Oh dear Celestia”, then she slams her hooves on the table and glares at Bob.
“You’re making this harder than it has to be. Answer the question! How sexually active are you!?” demands Twilight
“I’m not horny! I don’t even like porn!” claims Bob
“Hmph, everyone likes porn to an extent”
“Wha-ghah huuuuh! Not me! What the Hell is wrong you people?”
“Looks like we’ll have to do a test to see if you are, in fact, ‘not horny’, or are lying. So you’ll be staying-”
Twilight suddenly takes Bob’s picture, and he makes a weird gah sound as he tries to look away. When the photo pops out, Bob’s face is contorted to a hideous look that could make little kids cry if they look at it long enough.
“At Rarity’s for a short duration of three days” continues Twilight as she puts the photo in the folder “Every Human is attracted to her in some way”
“This place is weird. Can I go now?” begs Bob while desperately trying to blink the colorful floating blobs out of his vision
“Yep, here’s your temporary ID folder, come back in a week to get your official ID”
Twilight hands him the folder, shoves him out of her cubicle and then shouts “Next!”.
*
Bob walks outside for some much needed fresh air. He takes a deep breath and closes his eyes for a moment, however, after opening them again he sees the man with the poodle walking towards him.
“Oh no” says Bob to himself
He turns around and walks down the street, occasionally looking over his shoulder to see the man with the poodle walking after him. His heart races and his walking turns into a speed walk, then it turns into a jog, and then turns into a full run when the man with the poodle matches his speed. Bob runs around the corner of the first alley he comes across and bonks heads with a blue pegasus with a rainbow mane. They both curse and fall to the ground, rubbing their heads. Bob, still rubbing his head, peeks around the corner of the alley and doesn’t see the man with the poodle anywhere.
“Oh thank God” sighs Bob
“You really should watch where your going” says the pegasus, she has a tomboyish voice
Bob looks at the pegasus and sees that she’s picking up a few books titled Daring Do & the something or other and putting them in a little backpack. All of them look like adventure books with a female pegasus version of Indiana Jones. Bob picks up one of the books.
“‘Daring Do and the Kingdom of the Crystal Ponies’” reads Bob
The pegasus yanks it away from him like he touched her precious treasure and hugs it tightly.
“Jeeze, relax, pegasus thingy” says Bob with a roll of his eyes ‘Ponies, unicorns, and now pegasi. I’m definitely going to see a shrink’
“Why do you Humans always show up to Ponyville?” grumbles the pegasus rhetorically
“Hey, I had no choice! I was hit by a car and I woke up here!”
“I guess I should feel sorry for you then. What’s your name anyway?”
‘Wow, aren’t you a nice one’ “The name is Bob. And you?”
The pegasus grins, does a few twists and turns in the air to show off her athletic ability and lands in front of Bob and pounds her chest proudly. He can’t help but find her bragging amusing. Her stunt reminds him of the insecure jocks at his school trying to be cool.
“I’m Rainbow Dash! The greatest, fastest flier in all of Equestria” boast Rainbow Dash
For some unknown reason, the theme song for Sonic X suddenly starts to play in Bob’s head, except replacing “Sonic” with “Rainbow”. He quickly suppresses that unpleasant mix.
Rainbow Dash spreads out her wings and smiles smugly to enforce her “greatest, fastest flier” claim. Bob studies the boastful pegasus and sees a rainbow colored lightning bolt coming out of a cloud design on her flank. Rainbow Dash doesn’t take too kindly to him looking at her flank, though.
“Hey, buddy, eye’s are right here” says Rainbow Dash while pointing at her eyes
“I wasn’t checking you out” snaps Bob
“Yeah, that’s what some of them say”
“Don’t you mean ‘most’?”
“Nope, most are pretty open when they check me out”
Bob facepalms harder than he expected and can feel the palm shaped red spot growing on his face. Rainbow Dash winces, and curious about his reaction, flies up to his eye level to see if he’s okay.
“Dude, are you okay? That sounded painful” says Rainbow Dash worryingly
“I’m fine,” assures Bob “but I need help finding someone named Rarity”
Bob opens his temporary ID folder and flips over to the instructions to go some place called the “Carousel Boutique”.
“At the...Carousel Boutique. Huh” says Bob while scratching his head at the curious name
“Hmm, normally I would give you false directions since a lot of the Humans that come here are perverted, and Twilight and Celestia aren’t helping much with their crazy experiments. But you seem like a cool guy” says Rainbow Dash
“Glad to hear that”
“Her place will be easy to find. Follow me”
So the two walk down the streets of Ponyville, comparing and contrasting the stories of Daring Do and Indiana Jones. They briefly get into a joke argument about which of the two adventurers is better. He does admire Rainbow Dash’s love for books, heck he likes reading Halo books and any other dark sci-fi or fantasy books. But she prefers the lighter, adventure type and got grossed out when he mentioned in great detail how an unfortunate person infected with a Flood spore turns into one of the monsters.
“So let me get this straight, when one of those little Flood spore thingies gets on your back it rearranges all your bones and stuff?” asks Rainbow Dash with a grossed out look
“Yep, bones and all with extra limbs in some cases” says Bob happily “And all your organs turn into a mushy blob of junk and the spore takes over your mind”
“...That’s messed up”
“Well the universe is a messed up place”
The two chuckle, and because they aren’t paying attention they bump into two more mares. One is a unicorn with a light gray coat, a purple curly mane and tail, with blue eyes and a light blue eyeshadow, and three diamonds on her flank. The high maintenance alarms go off in Bob’s head, but the second is possibly one of the most adorable things Bob has ever scene. The second pony is a slender pegasus with a light yellow coat (kind of looks like a shade of gold to Bob), an enormous, wavy pink mane and tail, and three little butterflies on the same spot where every other pony has their mark.
Rainbow Dash bumps into the high maintenance marshmallow of a pony and merely takes a step back. But Bob, on the other hand, bumps into the adorable pegasus and falls over her and is barely able to put his arms out in time before hitting the ground. The pegasus screams and scrambles out from under Bob and runs behind the unicorn and shiver in fear while Bob stands up and brush himself off.
“Oh hey, how ya doin’ Rairty?” asks Rainbow Dash to the unicorn
‘Oh Hell no’ thinks Bob angrily ‘THAT is Rarity? Why couldn’t it be the other one? Wait? Remember what Twilight said? Danger zone!’
Rarity makes an aristocratic “hmph” and brushes herself off and fixes her mane (which didn’t need fixing) before answering Rainbow Dash’s casual question.
“I’m doing marvelous, darling,” says Rarity in a fancy, upper class accent “me and Fluttershy just came back from some much needed relaxation at the spa. And what is your name, darling?”
It takes Bob a moment to realize she was talking to him because he was too busy trying to apologize to Fluttershy for his accidental, nonlethal trample.
“Hm? Oh, the name is Bob. Bob E. Bob” says Bob, trying horribly to mimic her accent
“Bobbybob? What an odd name for a Human” says Rarity while tapping her chin with her hoof
“Just call me ‘Bob’. And you’re pretty damn calm for talking to someone nearly twice your height”
“Oh I got used to talking to Humans since your species have been coming here en mass for unknown reasons, lately”
“YO RARITY! WHAT’S UP!” screams a random man who looks like he’s the poster child for everything that was wrong with the 90’s
Rarity giggles and waves to the man.
“Hello, Vanilla Ice, lovely day isn’t it?” says Rarity cheerfully
“Damn straight! I’m going to get some ice cream! Hey, we should hit up the bar!” says Vanilla Ice, still freakishly happy
“Maybe some other time, dear”
“Aww, okay...How about you Rainbow-”
“No” interrupts Rainbow Dash
Vanilla Ice sniffles, looks down, and walks away with his hands in his pockets. Bob can just picture sad music playing. In fact, the music is playing so clearly in his mind that it seems like it’s real! Which it is. Bob turns around and sees one of those corner bands playing the sad music and nodding gratefully as ponies drop money into their little bucket. Bob looks back at the ponies and sees that Fluttershy is still shaking and staring at him while the other two are talking amongst themselves. Fluttershy’s silence is starting to make Bob wonder if she’s a mute.
“Well Rarity, Twilight threw you under the cart again for her experiment” says Rainbow Dash with a bit of annoyance in her tone
“Oh really? I swear that that girl is not right in the head” says Rarity with a roll of her eyes
“Yep, luckily you get Bob”
Rainbow Dash points at Bob and he flashes a quick smile and wave.
“Yeah, you get me. Nice ain’t it?” says Bob sarcastically
Rarity cringes slightly and looks at Rainbow Dash.
“Relax, he’s cool” assures Rainbow Dash
“Are you sure I don’t get someone else? Like Drake Firewall?” questions Rarity, she gets a dreamy tone and look in her eyes when she mentions “Drake Firewall”
Bob looks over his shoulder to see where Rarity is looking, and sure enough, Drake is walking like the egotistical, self declared badass he is with a trail of mares following him, giggling like school girls. Bob rolls his eyes and looks back at the the group only to find them blushing and practically drooling at the mere sight of Drake. Even Fluttershy is mesmerized by him!
“Hey, girls, over here” says Bob while snapping his fingers
All three look at him, and Rainbow Dash shakes the blush away, flies to his side, and puts her hoof on his shoulder.
“Sorry, big guy, I gotta go back to my place to catch up on ‘Daring Do’” says Rainbow Dash apologetically
“Yeah, yeah, do your reading. I won’t be going anywhere for a while...I think” says Bob unsurely
“Later”
“Later”
Rainbow Dash flies away, leaving a rainbow trail in her wake, and Bob smiles nervously at the remaining mares.
“Okay, some ground rules” says Rarity sternly “No vulgar language or inappropriate touching. My little sister is staying with me for the week”
“What” says Bob curiously while cocking his head, why do ponies think he’s a pervert?
“Second, do not touch anything. Everything is off limits except for the floor, bathroom, and your cot”
“Um”
“And thirdly, please try to keep your hormones in check. I’ve dealt with far too many Humans to-”
“Hey!”
Rarity stops talking and glares at Bob, she doesn’t appreciate being interrupted, but Bob has something to say and by God he'll say it.
“Look, I have an attraction towards Human girls, not ponies. So you won’t have to worry about ‘vulgarity’ while I’m staying at your place” says Bob patiently “But I will admit you have a cute voice, sort of like a Brit trying to be an American, but that’s as far as I’m going with this Human-Pony thing”
There is a moment of silence, then Rarity suddenly beams and claps her forehooves together for a couple of seconds. As weird as it was to see, Bob admits it was also kind of cool and cute to see.
“Oh most excellent! This makes everything easier” says Rarity happily
“So about the ‘off limits’ thing...” begins Bob carefully
“All things off limits are still off limits”
“Darn it”
Then a shadow falls over the trio. Bob looks up to see a strange pegasus mare with crooked yellow eyes and a blonde mane. The pegasus is sitting on a dark cloud with a devilish smile and she flies down to Bob’s eye level and pulls out...a blueberry muffin. What?
“Would you like a muffin?” asks the strange pegasus in deep, raspy, menacing voice mixing with a mentally slow voice (or at least it sounds mentally slow to Bob)
Bob stares at the pegasus, and turns away for a moment when he hears Fluttershy squeal in fright and high tail it out of the area, leaving a dust cloud in her wake. Bob then looks at Rarity and she motions him to take the muffin. Bob looks at the pegasus again, her sick, evil grin ever growing and her eyes becoming more and more evil by the second. He also swears that the fur around her eyes are also darkening.
“Not to rush you or anything, darling, but can you please grab the muffin” says Rarity uneasily
Bob shrugs and grabs the muffin, and the pegasus laughs victoriously while lightning from the small cloud above her head flashes past her head.
“Enjoy your muffin!” she says in what can only be described as a total failure in trying to sound evil
Then she laughs again and flies away with her little “evil” cloud. Bob shakes his head and tosses the muffin into a garbage can with perfect accuracy.
“That was weird” mutters Bob “What was her deal, anyway?”
“Derpy accidentally ate the ashes of an evil pony so she’s possessed for the time being. But there really is nothing to fear, Twilight will figure out how to save her” answers Rarity confidently
“Oh-kay. Can we just-Oh shit!”
Rarity jumps at Bob’s sudden outburst, and when he screams about the man with the poodle Rarity looks over her shoulder and sees a man with the poodle walking towards them, calm as can be.
“Um, it’s just a man with a poodle” says Rarity
Bob screams like a madman and runs down the street, bullying his way through the ponies and randomly placed Humans. Some jump out of the way, three twin mares faint as he runs past them, and he shoves a guy out of the way so hard he falls through the window of a shop selling quills and sofas.
Bob runs inside a place that looks like a gingerbread house, even the inside was like walking into a child’s dream restaurant. But the place is also crowded, very, very, very, crowded and who does Bob see in the back? Drake. Drake and a crowd of mares around him, listening to his word of badassery during his time on Earth like he was Jesus Christ.
“Hey, it’s you” says Drake in a monotone voice when he sees Bob trying to catch his breath in the doorway
Bob pulls up a chair next to Drake after politely excusing his actions to a couple of mares since he had to move them out of the way.
“Hey man, I need your help. A guy with a poodle is stalking me” says Bob in a semi-loud whisper
Drake looks at Bob like he’s an idiot and says “And what do you want me to do about this man with the poodle?”
“Kick his ass or something”
“But I don’t know him”
“He’s creepy, probably a pedophile, and-and”
Bob looks at the mares and a light bulb turns on in his mind.
“And he’s out to steal all these poor mares!” says Bob theatrically
To emphasize his claim, he grabs a random pony with a white coat and pink mane, wearing a nurse’s hat, and hugs her tight. Her mane is pushed against his nose and he can’t help but sniff it, her mane smells like strawberries. Fresh strawberries. He gets a blissful smile at the pleasant smell, but when he realizes that everyone is staring at him he releases the poor pony.
“Yes, the man with the poodle is out to ruin lives! Use your amazing Gary Stu stuff to beat him!” orders Bob
“My what?” asks Drake while raising an eyebrow
“You’re a badass! Go beat up the meanie! For the gorgeous mares!”
Drake takes a deep breath, stands up with his fists clenched and stares with great determination out the window to see the man with the poodle walking towards them like he’s a cheesy 80’s villain.
“For the mares” says Drake
“For the mares” repeats Bob
Drake puts on his sunglasses.
“For the mares” repeats Drake
“Yes! Do it for the mares!” urges Bob
“I will do it for the mares!”
“Yeah!...Do it already!”
Drake marches outside and confronts the man with the poodle. Bob and the ponies crowd around the window, eager to see how the events play out. A couple of seconds later, Drake falls to the ground, unconscious, because of a well placed punch to the head. Bob’s jaw drops and he steps back.
“I’m a dead man!” whimpers Bob
“Would you like a quick party before you die?” asks a pink pony with a darker shade of pink mane and tail fluffed up like cotton candy
“No! What the Hell is wrong with you? Who would want a party before they die?”
All the ponies in the place raise their hooves in the air in unison and Bob looks around, dumbstruck. Then his shoulders sulk and he looks down depressingly.
“I guess that was expected” grumbles Bob “Go ahead and throw a quick party, whatever your name is”
“I’m Pinkie Pie! And it’s party time!” cheers Pinkie Pie
The ponies also cheer and Pinkie Pie pulls out a colorful cannon and aims it at Bob. Bob’s eyes grow to the size of dinner plates and he holds up his hands defensively while yelling “No!”. Then he’s shot with party supplies with enough force to knock him off of his feet. While the world spins Pinkie Pie helps up to his feet and gives him a slice of chocolate cake with vanilla frosting and a strawberry on top. Bob sighs and digs in. It will probably be the last cake he has before the man with the poodle comes in to do whatever it is he came to do in the first place. After biting into the cake he feels euphoria wash over him. This was the best cake he had ever had...and he wants more.
Thirty minutes and four slices of cake and a smoothie later, the bell on the entrance dingles and the man with the poodle enters. All the ponies gasp and step back as he walks towards Bob. Bob gets up from his seat and stares at the mysterious man while cracking his knuckles in a feeble attempt to look intimidating.
“What took ya so long?” asks Bob with feign carelessness
“I wanted you to enjoy some Equestrian cake and smoothies before I ended your trip here” says the man with the poodle casually
Bob chuckles and takes a couple of steps towards the man.
“Oooh a showdown” whispers Pinkie Pie
Bob glances at Pinkie Pie, and she smiles and pulls out a video camera. Bob sees the little red light to signal that the camera is recording turn on and he gulp and looks back the man. Better put on a show for the sake of these ponies. Besides, he’s probably still in a dream and according to Inception if you die in a dream then you wake up, unless you’re too far in, but Bob knows he’s not five levels in his dream.
“Bob E. Bob, Jr.,” starts the man with the poodle “you are not supposed to be here”
“Gee, thanks for the update, Captain Obvious” snickers Bob, he does a quick wink at the camera
“Come with me, Bob, for you-”
“Before I go anywhere with you, tell me your name, creepy stalker”
“My name is not important”
“Yes it is”
“No it isn’t”
“Yes it is”
“Come with me this instant or I’ll be forced to make you leave Equestria in a less than pleasant manner”
“Just tell me your name”
“No”
“Yes”
“No!”
“Yes!”
“NO!”
“YES!”
“NO!”
“YES!”
“I’m the man with the poodle, BITCH!”
The man with the poodle suddenly yanks out two revolvers from under his coat and unloads on Bob and all the ponies scream in sheer terror. Bob’s body jerks as each bullet tears through him, leaving large splatters of blood on the wall behind him. The dozen shots aren’t even concentrated. The man with the poodle shoots Bob all over the place. From his shoulders and arms, to his legs, groin and chest, and finally his head. When the final bullet connects with Bob’s head, it snaps back, splattering the wall behind him with blood, bone and brain matter. The ponies are terrified by what they just saw and they remain stone still as they watch the pool of blood spread out from under Bob’s mangled body.
The man with the poodle huffs, puts his empty revolvers away, and then he grabs his poodle and leaves the Sugar Cube Corner without another word. When the door slams shut behind him Pinkie Pie is the first to talk after a few seconds of heavy, miserable silence.
“Well that sucks”
***
Bob jolts awake in a hospital bed, sweating and wearing one of those paper gowns and strapped to machinery. His father is there, as well as a bored doctor. He’s home! He is finally home! The nightmare is over! And his bones are fixed! Wait, fixed? Were they even...
Bob shrugs the thoughts aside and laughs and looks at his wonderful, non-dream hands and pumps his fist in the air while cheering joyfully.
“About time you woke up” scoffs the doctor
Bob’s good mood is murdered on the spot by that statement and his smile is instantly replaced with a glare focused on the doctor.
“Hey, screw you buddy! I was hit by a car and had a crazy nightmare!” exclaims Bob
“Well I can see I’m not wanted. So I’ll leave you two for your quality time” says the doctor
The doctor sticks his nose in the air and marches out of the room. When the door clicks shut, Bob, Sr. sits next to Bob and smiles kindly while taking his hand and gently patting it.
“How are you feeling, son?” he asks
“Fine, I’m just glad to be awake and not dead” says Bob with a wry smile
“Oh good, now I don’t feel so bad about making you pay for the damages to the house and hospital bill”
“WHAT!”
*********
“The end” says Luna cheerfully
Luna smiles at Celestia, she is sitting on her couch, eyes half open and jaw dropped with a blank mind. She has no idea what Luna had just read to her. All she wanted to do was enjoy a few hours dedicated to reading, and Luna comes in with whatever it was that she wrote and read it to her. Now Celestia is afraid that her mind is scarred for a while.
“You didn’t like it, did you?” asks Luna, forcing her smile to stay
“Not in the slightest” says Celestia bluntly
Luna sighs and looks down sadly, and Celestia goes back to reading the book she was reading before Luna’s intrusion.
“I found the story to be quite amusing, my dear. There were some anomalies in the portrayal in some of the characters -myself included-, however, it was still amusing nonetheless” says a man with a slight British accent
Luna smiles and looks at an elderly Human male wearing a suit and sipping a cup of tea with a well groomed poodle curled up on his lap.
“Thank you, Mr...um forgive us, but we didn’t get your name” says Luna
The man with the poodle chuckles and raises his tea cup.
“And you never will. Cheers” says the man with the poodle lightly
“We will eventually unless you want to get kicked out of the castle” says Celestia dryly without looking up from her book
The man with the poodle merely smirks and sips his tea, and Celestia continues reading while Luna curls up on the floor in front of the man with the poodle. Boredom ensues.
-THE END-
