Of Aristocratical Practices
It was a simple plan. First, claim that the Equestrians had violated his borders with their settlers. Considering that most Equestrian settlers couldn’t even be bothered to figure out where the buffalo stampeding grounds were, much less international borders, this would be easy to fake with a few kidnappings and smashed homes. Second, claim that the Equestrians had captured and abused some of the crystal ponies. Well, the Crystal Empire had a dungeon full of the little buggers, so this wasn’t a big deal. Finally, all he had to do was declare sweet, delicious war and attack where Equestria was weakest, the west. All he’d needed was to shore up his troop numbers a little to ensure his victory.
“Nobody appreciates good ideas,” muttered Sombra as he watched the Equestrian army slowly roll through the capital. The dragons hadn’t cared for his plans, mostly due to their hatred of ponies. The Griffons were locked in inner turmoil because a golden bauble of theirs had fallen into a crack in the ground. Even the Diamond Dogs were too busy chasing their own tails and looking for gems to listen to what it was he had to say.
The last one really stuck in his craw. He could make all sorts of gems. He could make black gems, really black gems, coal black gems, ashy black gems, onyx, and if he hadn’t been drinking enough water the darkest of kidney stones. Admittedly he didn’t much care to create the last one.
The wind picked up whipping Sombra’s mane into a cyclone of hair as he sighed imagining what could have been. His frustration continued to mount as he turned and stormed off his bedchamber’s balcony and marched through his castle kicking open every door that stood in his way. He checked to make sure the front door was barred, which it was and then proceeded to stomp his way down the long crystal hallway toward his throne room knocking over a few vases on his journey. Propriety be damned, it was clear his time as king was nearing its end.
Upon reaching the entrance of his throne room Sombra paused and smirked. After all, it had been fun while it lasted. He’d enjoyed watching the previous empress, old what’s her name, beg to be spared, loved handing out his, “team spirit awards,” to deserving ponies and delighted in eating burgers or chicken sandwiches at the local Krystal’s. He’d enjoyed the family he’d made and even though he had to send them away it had been worth it. The king thought of these things a wistful smile crossed his face. It had been worth it. Slowly he opened the door to his throne room and bellowed, “Hearse, where are you? You were supposed to have hidden my bank and been in here an hour ago!”
The approaching sound of a set of clattering hooves echoed from below and in a matter of moments a skinny white pegasus popped his head out of a trap door near the throne. “Begging your pardon my liege,” he stated as he gasped for air, “But it’s a really long flight to where you had me store your bank. I had to run the rest of the way up here.”
“Don’t care. Punctuality matters, especially now,” said Sombra as he strode past his vassal.
“Of course your highness,” responded Hearse as he followed behind him.
“You made sure to send my family through that portal I crafted earlier didn’t you,” asked Sombra as they walked toward the front door.
“Of course I did,” replied Hearse, “It closed behind them. We could open it again but there’s just one problem…”
Sombra stopped dead in his tracks as purple flame slowly wavered from his eyes. A low growl slowly escaped his muzzle as he slowly turned toward Hearse, who backed up defensively. “What do you mean a problem?”
“Well it’s just that…”
“I have an army on my doorstep.”
“I understand sir.”
“No,” said Sombra as the doorbell rang, “Literally an army is on my doorstep. That’s them.”
“Wow,” exclaimed Hearse, “They’re fast and polite. They even read the sign asking to ring first.”
“Whoop-dee-do,” replied Sombra with a sigh, “What do we need to send me through.”
“That’s just it my liege. It’s impossible. We are out of the Tears of the Innocent sir.”
Sombra’s eyes widened, “Can’t you squeeze some more out of that old librarian?”
“She’s all dried up!”
Sombra growled and rubbed his forehead. It was always something. If it wasn’t a shortage of troops it was a shortage of ingredients. “So I can’t escape through time. What do I have the ingredients for?”
Hearse shrugged, “Nothing that I know of really. I mean, you could brew a potion that if you drank it would give you floppy bunny ears.”
“That doesn’t help.” Sombra sighed as he could hear the army begin to pound on the front door. “We’re not home. Go away,” he bellowed causing some of the soldiers to begin loudly arguing as to what they were supposed to do next since their target wasn’t home.
“Well I don’t know what you want me to say,” groaned Hearse in frustration.
Sombra exhaled sharply and shut his eyes as he thought of what his next plan of action could be based upon what he had available. After a minute the king finally asked, “Do I have Blood of Cerberus, windigo tongues, star jelly and tartarian salts still?”
“Yes, but why?”
A wide smile slowly crept across the dark king’s face. It was all too perfect. “I’m going to make my Empire disappear Hearse.” He put his foreleg around Hearse’s shoulders and extended the other out gesturing to the heavens, “It’ll be better than Copperfoal!”
“But your highness in order to pull off that sort of curse for any real length of time you need a willing loyal pony sacrif-,” Hearse’s aqua eyes widened in realization as his lord and retainer stared at him, “Oh no! You’re not thinking of me are you?”
“Hearse.”
The pegasus pulled away, “No, absolutely not.”
“Come on Hearse,” urged Sombra, “Be a team player.”
“But we’re going to lose and I don’t want to die.”
“It can’t be helped,” said Sombra quickly as his horn glowed, “It’s happening.”
Hearse shook his head and began to tremble as he backed away, “I don’t want to do this.”
Sombra sighed and his horn stopped glowing. Without warning a loud thud echoed against the large door startling both king and vassal alike. “That was much faster than I’d have thought those morons capable of.” Sombra shot a glance over at Hearse, “Tell you what; I’ll make you a deal. When this is all over I’ll bring you back from the dead.”
Hearse frowned, “I don’t want to be a vampire or a zombie either!”
“No,” growled Sombra, “I’ll make sure you are reborn. It’ll be like going through the time gate except you’ll veer left instead of right.”
“What,” asked Hearse as his trembling slowly subsided, “Reborn? Like I can be anything?”
“Whatever you want,” stated Sombra with a smirk, “You’ll even retain some of your previous memories. School will be very easy.”
Hearse’s ears perked up as he considered the option, “Can I be royalty and maybe have a horn or retain my wings or something?”
“You do this for me,” said Sombra putting his foreleg around Hearse once again, “I’ll give you both a horn and wings.”
The front door began to split as Hearse cocked his head, “You’re not kidding are you?”
“Freedom, Celestia’s weight and whatever is behind the green door I joke about. Not curses.”
Hearse closed his eyes and imagined what it would be like to be able to fly and use magic. He could envision having row after row of loyal subjects bowing before him and praising him as their king. They would revere him. “None would question the power or word of Emperor W. R. Hearse,” he muttered.
“Not if they wanted to avoid the consequences,” said Sombra goading the pegasus along, “So, what do you say?”
The white pegasus smirked and nodded emphatically, which was all that Sombra needed. Without a word he directed Hearse to stand in front of his throne. With a little magic he then summoned the necessary ingredients and encircled the pegasus with them before he hurriedly climbed up to his throne. “Not gonna lie Hearse,” he said quickly, “This will probably hurt.”
“What,” asked the pegasus.
Sombra shrugged as the ground beneath his feet cracked and gave way to a large crystal pillar that lifted the king toward the roof as his horn glowed ominous shades of purple and black. The ceiling split as the pillar rose ever higher lifting the king into the evening sky. Finally, with a few uttered words, Sombra loosed a powerful beam of magic striking Hearse within the circle.
The pegasus shrieked as an inky blackness spread throughout the castle and across the land. Sombra watched as the Equestrian army broke and ran from the oncoming darkness. He smiled even though his horn throbbed in pain causing his knees to buckle. He continued to fire until every inch of the Crystal Empire was enveloped in darkness.
Sombra panted and gazed into the darkness unable to see beyond its barrier when the crystal he stood on gave way and gravity took hold and pulled him to the ground below. “Nope,” he shouted as he fired off a much weaker beam of magic summoning a new pillar to rise up from the darkness quickly and catch him.
Slowly the wicked vale cleared revealing a blank barren land below. Where a vast empire once stood sat nothing but snow and rock. Sombra tried to stand but found his legs unresponsive. His neck and back ached as if something very heavy was pressing down on him. He grunted utterly spent as a voice came from above, “What hast thou done to thine ponies?”
Sombra looked skyward and snorted. The two rulers of Equestria, Celestia and her dark blue sister whose name he couldn’t recall at the moment frowned upon him. He watched Celestia, the white alicorn; slowly descend until she was mere inches from his face. “Can you give me like five minutes of recharge time,” whispered Sombra, “The spirit to fight is willing but the flesh is weak and sore.”
Celestia huffed and pulled away before blasting the crystal pillar from under him causing Sombra to resume his previous fall. As he fell he noted that the dark blue one was positioning chunks of crystal under him. Unfortunately for the king they weren’t big enough to fully catch him and caused him to ping pong off of them. Each time Sombra hit a piece of the crystal he fired a weak beam of magic up at the sisters missing badly until he hit the ground with an audible thud.
Sombra groaned as he lay on the ground, “I think I broke something or a hundred.”
“King Sombra,” said Celestia, “You are a fiend.”
“No. I’m not.”
“You invaded the nation of Equestria. You sacked several cities leaving them nothing but ash and cinder, conspired to have us usurped, destroyed the rightful ruling family of the Crystal Empire, tortured your and enslaved your subjects and harvested their misery to enhance your power,” stated Celestia forcefully as she landed in front of him.
“Let us not forget the pony he just sacrificed to make the empire disappear, the weaponizing of windigos, the baking of breezies, the harrowing of the Hearth’s Warming spirits and creation the of a strange adhesive made of bone and hoof in the place of simple wax,” chimed in her sister.
Celestia leaned down to the fallen king, her nose once again practically against his as she glared into his eyes. “Tell me Sombra,” she stated coldly, “If that isn’t the work of a fiend what would you call it?”
Sombra gazed back his eyes half shut. Slowly and painfully the smallest of smiles crossed his face. “The Aristocrats,” he said with a weak chuckle.
One evening in the far north, beyond the borders of Yakyakistan and the mighty peak of the Everhoof, the distant Murky Mountains rumbled with an unparalleled rage that had never been felt before. At first the few local villages assumed that it was a distant avalanche or perhaps an earthquake, yet as it persisted new fears set in. Talk of monsters burrowing from deep within the earth to the surface and the resulting landslides and carnage were of chief concern. Quickly and without much forethought the villagers grabbed a few possessions and trekked to the south.
The journey was hard made more difficult by the fact that it had been so sudden and they were ill prepared. Supplies were scarce and what they did have wouldn’t last the very long much less out of the mountains. Yet, as they struggled through the ice and snow much to their surprise they happened across two alicorns who were of great repute and beloved by ponies far and wide. The alicorns asked why they had fled their homes as winter neared.
It was then a dark blue unicorn by the name of Midnight Clear stepped forward. “We fear for our lives. The earth trembled and quaked so violently we were certain that the very mountains would come down upon us! We fled but, alas we did so without proper provisions and I fear we will not be able to withstand this inclement weather.”
“Fear not,” said Luna, “For the earth may shake and the mountains quake but thou art safe in thine homes. We swear it.”
“We beg your forgiveness your highnesses but, cannot take that risk,” replied Midnight Clear, “We are isolated from the rest of the world up here. We cannot take that risk.”
“If that is a risk you cannot take,” replied Celestia after some brief consideration, “Then we will ensure your safe passage along with the proper supplies and maybe then you can reestablish yourselves in the small hamlet that overlooks the central most part of Equestria.” With a wave of her horn a small portal opened to a land orange with autumn’s splendor and warmer temperatures.
“What is the name of this place,” asked Midnight Clear.
“Canterlot,” replied Luna, “But we should make haste for today has been taxing for us as well.”
Midnight Clear smiled briefly as the other villagers stomped their hooves in approval and made their way through the portal. Yet, as his friends and neighbors crossed over, Midnight Clear’s gaze shifted northward and he sighed. “Such a shame,” he said quietly.
“What is,” asked Celestia.
“Well, I had a small cache of books up there. They weren’t exciting mind you but useful all the same. I just wish I could have brought them with me. It’s a shame that they’ll now rot under the rock and snow that is sure to fall.”
“I promise that I will replace what I can when we get to Canterlot,” replied Celestia much to the delight of Midnight Clear. Yet, as he trotted on to join the group Celestia turned her gaze northward knowing full well why the mountains trembled as they did.
For three days Sombra raged within his icy prison, a cavern deep within the heart of the Murky Mountains. It was bad enough that he had lost to the sisters in battle but, what had followed was simply unforgivable. Not only had they not finished him off but they had turned him into something that wasn’t a unicorn. To put it simply he was without definition and nothing more than a black amorphous shadow in a dark cave. He could stretch into the smallest of spaces, yet if he ventured too far a jolt from the sisters’ magic would shock him away from any hope of escape.
On the fourth day however, he’d calmed enough to reason that his tantrum wasn’t doing him any good. “Despite all this rage I’m just a king in a cave,” he muttered as slithered his way along the ground to look out the entrance. “Stupid alicorns and their stupid magic. They aren’t that powerful. I know magic.”
In spite of what most ponies thought alicorn magic wasn’t necessarily more powerful than any other form of magic. Its resonance was simply different and due to the rarity of alicorns it was difficult to combat. Sombra assumed that it might be possible to copy said magic and perhaps even overcome it with enough oomph behind it. After all that was what they did with whatever they called those things that they carried with them. “Stupid baubles of harmonic banality,” he muttered for the five hundredth time. Sombra sighed and cast a glance down at his now non-unicorn form.
The dark mass that was now his body slithered and slunk about on its own. It was darker than a moonless night and currently required much more effort to control than he’d ever wanted to employ. He couldn’t recall how many times one of his shadow tentacles had slide across something gross smelling or strangely sticky. He wondered what might happen if his family happened upon him and saw him like that, a shadow clinging to everything it touched. It would be more than a little difficult to explain how a king such as he could not control himself. “Stupid body,” he shouted so loudly that the walls of the cave shuddered once again as he turned away from the opening.
Yet, as he turned back into the cave and in spite of the minor bits of debris that fell from the ceiling Sombra spotted something in the cave’s dusty gloom. Its glow was very pale and weak as it flitted between the stalactites and stalagmites. If it were possible, Sombra would have cocked an eyebrow at it, but as a shadowy black mass he merely called out the first logical name that sprung to mind. “Hearse,” he bellowed stopping the small light in its tracks.
The light paused its wandering as if in silent contemplation before it slowly began to make its way over to him. “That burned,” grumbled the light.
“Of course it did,” replied Sombra, “But I did tell you it wouldn’t be pleasant.”
“After I’d agreed to it and when it suited you.”
“Details,” replied Sombra as he waved a shadow tentacle, “Just don’t act like I lied about it.”
The king and vassal quietly sat for a bit. As Sombra looked at Hearse he could see that his aide had maintained his form albeit translucent. “Consider yourself lucky Hearse,” replied Sombra quietly, “I haven’t been able to focus long enough to regain my former glorious form.”
Hearse rolled his eyes, “Well, maybe if you’d quit raging and focused your efforts on that particular task…”
“Is that back talk?”
“Of course not,” said Hearse with a sigh, “But let’s drop the pretenses of the royal/vassal relationship shall we? I’m dead and apparently home in on you for some reason.”
“I have to fulfill my end of our agreement but as you can see… it may be awhile.”
“What are you now anyway?”
Sombra grumbled and slid along the wall limply. “Obviously I’m what those accursed princesses turned me into.”
“Which is?”
Sombra growled and focused slowly forming one large red eye from within the shadow that glared at Hearse, “You had to have seen and heard what happened. I was turned into this thing! As the dark princess said, ‘King Sombra thou art now but a shadow of thine former self.’”
“Ah yes. I recall her sister followed that up with a rather unladylike ‘Yeah’ that shook the heavens,” replied Hearse with a small chuckle.
“Yes, she did. It was foolish and if she saw you now she’d probably say that you didn’t stand a ghost of a chance against them followed by that same 'yeah,'” rumbled Sombra.
“That’s not funny,” replied Hearse with a frown, “Dying hurt.”
“Nothing about this situation is funny, including that.” With that, Sombra finished sliding along the wall to the farthest corner of the cavern away from Hearse and unceremoniously settled himself to the floor. His lone red eye gazed at the spectral pegasus until the sun finally dipped beyond horizon. When it did the large red eye finally closed.
Once it did Hearse slowly floated toward the opposite end of the cave. No sooner had he reached that corner though when he swore he heard someone call his name very faintly. He ignored it at first, satisfied that it was merely his ears playing tricks on him. Yet, when he heard it again a little louder he turned toward the black mass that huddled along the wall. “Did you say something,” he asked.
After a long pause Sombra finally answered, “I pushed a little too hard too fast didn’t I? This situation… I created it didn’t I?”
Hearse’s eyes widened in shock at the frankness of the question asked of him. Slowly and carefully he picked his words, “You saw an opportunity and went for it. Perhaps it was premature but… you’ve never been afraid to push for what you wanted and what you thought was best for the empire… your family and… frankly yourself.”
“All the crystal ponies ever did was lay around and goof off with their celebrations. Then come winter they would beg for aid from others. It was a disgusting cycle Hearse.”
“I know,” replied Hearse, “You usurped the throne and forced with the promise of pain and death to do your bidding. Never before had a populace been so motivated to create bountiful harvests, improve their equipment and even expand their borders. For the first time in generations they were productive. Slaves perhaps but productive.”
“It’s called tough love Hearse,” growled Sombra, “Sometimes folks require motivation.”
“Nevertheless, it did lead to rebellion.”
“Which I … we… squashed and I made an example out of them and some ‘innocents’ to keep the others in line. It was only proper.”
“We,” said Hearse his eyes wider than before and his jaw hung agape, “D-did you just say we?”
“The throne has many legs that support it Hearse. You were one of those and you remained steadfast in your support even if at times you were unsure of the course of action.”
“Well… I mean….”
“I need that help again W. R. for both of our futures.”
“You’ve never used my first to initials before,” replied Hearse in shock, “What is it you want?”
“I need time to pull myself together. I also need a lay of these mountains and whatever it is that surrounds it. I cannot leave here but you… you can scour the area.”
Silence filled the cave as Hearse stared at the black mass that was his king. While a part of him was flattered to be asked to handle such a task another part, one maybe he should have listened to years prior, begged him to reconsider. “With all due respect Sombra… why should I? You killed me…”
“Still hung up on that?”
“I also made it clear I’m no longer your vassal. I’m tethered here by your word when instead I could have moved on.”
Sombra snorted. “I don’t think you’d enjoy the end result of ‘moving on’ Hearse. Call it a hunch.”
“Even so, for all I know you’ll stuff me into some weird exotic bird or some other monstrosity and say, ‘Hey kept my bargain.’”
“I’m wounded by your suspicion Hearse,” said Sombra as his from began to expand once more, “Truly I am. You know I’m good to my word and if you want to have any hope seeing what you want to have happen come true in the near future ….”
“Guarantee that I’ll get what I want. I don’t want to be a changeling or some weird creature. I don’t want to be a flying squirrel with a growth out of his head. Equine or I stay here.”
“Of course,” replied Sombra, “I had no intention of doing otherwise. Now go?”
With a huff Hearse agreed and disappeared into a nearby wall. As soon as he was gone Sombra slowly began the arduous process of reeling in every bit of his shadowy form from within the cave. Once done he began to focus on his form and how he remembered himself. Yet no sooner had he begun the process when thoughts of his wife and children crept into his mind. “Oh Esmeralda, I’m a mess,” he sighed.
Esmeralda was his crown jewel. The light green unicorn had a fire deep within her that could be warm and cheery but also destroy a guy. When pursuing her he’d done everything he could think of to woo her. Whether it was writing her songs and sonnets, moonlit dates with lengthy conversation, or presenting oversized gemstones to her he’d done it. He’d also done what he could to eliminate the competition for her affections, sometimes literally.
Much to his pleasure she’d returned the favor while educating him in the art of apothecary, lessons about science and how to blend them with magic to create wondrous things. She would lend him the occasional sympathetic ear and was not above creating her own schemes that went along with his. Sometimes they got carried away which, in no small part had led to their ‘I do’s ‘and children. Even so, Sombra wouldn’t have had it any other way and even feared for their safety, especially when faced with the wrath of two angry alicorns. But now he feared something else even more, the dreaded what if.
What if he was unable to reconstitute himself? How would his family react when they reemerged so many years in the future? What if it was too much for them and they fled to some other prince? Those and many other questions plagued Sombra as he focused on his limbs. “For them,” he muttered as he felt the first pieces of him firming up.
Ever so slowly Sombra felt himself become the king he once recognized again. Bone slowly formed and locked into place with low crunches and pops. Muscles and various organs soon followed sucking and sloshing their way into place only to be covered with the hair and fur that had once been his. He could feel his lungs heave loudly as he struggled for air, the exhaustion of this initial process had taken its toll, yet he smiled just the same.
When he opened his eyes he was greeted with the face of the ghostly pegasus who looked at him peculiarly. “That was the weirdest thing I’ve ever seen in my… ‘life,’” said Hearse as he made the air quotes with his hooves, “First you reformed like some… I don’t know what… and now you look exhausted and … is that a genuine smile?”
“Shut up,” murmured Sombra as he slowly rose from the rock, “I assume you have returned from your mission yes?”
Hearse rolled his eyes, “Yes. It took a week and the results are bizarre.”
“How are they bizarre?”
“Well, these mountains are absolutely loaded with a variety of rocks and metals. Everything from talc to diamond, coal to various iron and copper deposits are here. This could be a flourishing mining area and yet, the villages below…”
Sombra popped his neck, “What of them?”
“They’re all abandoned and in a hurry. It’s as if the ponies… well I assume ponies but… those who lived there were spirited away… because after a certain point… their hoof prints just disappear.”
Sombra blinked, “That’s just bizarre. I wonder…”
“I don’t want to know. Anyway, outside of what they left behind, the occasional stand of trees, lichens and some frost bats…”
“Frost bats,” asked Sombra.
“Well yes,” replied Hearse, “They live in the caverns to the east… they probably feed on whatever plants or animals happen to be in the area. Good thing we’re not alive because I’d hate to be swarmed by them. There were literally thousands of them. Gave me the willies.”
As Hearse spoke Sombra gazed out the magically sealed entrance to his cavern. “Interesting,” he said as he grabbed a stone off the floor and chucked it through the entrance. As it flew past what he knew to be the magical barrier his eyes widened. Quickly he ran to it and tapped the hole and received a shock that sent him flying back into the depths of the cave. “Hearse,” called out Sombra as he pulled his half shadow half unicorn body back toward the entrance. “I need you to exit this cave and look at the entrance. Tell me what you see.”
Hearse cocked his head questioningly but did as he was told. When he flew back in he responded, “Just a sheer cliff face.”
“An illusion well isn’t that tricky of them.”
“It’s not like any ponies would bother scaling it anyway and not a soul other than me knows you’re here.”
“The only sure fire way a pony would find it on accident would be if they could fly. Unfortunately, I have no living pegasi and the only living neighbors I know of are …”
“Bats. We’ve established this.”
Sombra smirked and reformed his hind quarters much quicker than before. “You know Esmeralda was truly gifted in potion making and new quite a bit about science. She taught me just how wonderful combining them with magic could be… if done properly.”
“Well, that’s obvious,” replied Hearse, “What are you getting at?”
“Well,” began Sombra as the smirk transformed into a dark and confident, “We have bats, abandoned villages presumably pony hair… not to mention my own and my magic. Hearse what do you think we could do with that?”
“I don’t know I…”
“Think hard.”
“Wait,” said Hearse his eyes widening, “Are you saying that you want to create some sort of hybrid?”
“I’d always wondered what I could do with a supremely loyal air force.”
“That’s insane!”
“Hardly,” chuckled Sombra with a flourish, “its opportunity and when it knocks, it’s best to answer the door.”
