"THE PRINCESSES ARE BEING RAVAGED BY HUGE BLACK C-"
With a flick, a flame comes to life on the small metal device in your hands.
"It'll be another long one, Spear, won't it?" you say.
"It's always long, Anon. That's why they call it the graveyard shift."
"Yeah, I guess," you say, taking a cigarette and putting it in your mouth. "I just wish something would happen once in a while."
Being a royal guard is a somewhat undemanding job. For the most part, all you had to do was stay in formation, look pretty, and occasionally do some drills. On top of that, the guards have this huge thing for aesthetics. Being one of the only humans in Equestria makes it hard to create some sort of symmetry. Therefore, you've been given the night duty, along with guards that didn't meet the right height or color standards, but met all the requirements for the job.
You bring the flame to the tip of your cigarette and breathe in the harsh, yet gentle smoke. Closing the lighter, you remove the cigarette from your lips and release a large puff of smoke.
"That's disgusting, dude."
"What?" you ask.
"Smoking."
"It calms my nerves."
Spear, a pale red stallion with a short ragged brown mane, scoffs at you as he looks back down to his deck of cards.
"What in Tartarus do you have to worry about? It's not like you got anything else that you do."
"Stuff," you say, taking another deep puff. "Human stuff. Plus, it makes me look cool. All I care about in life is appearances."
"Psh. Sure thing, man. Now are you going to turn on the radio and play cards, or what?" Spear asks.
"Sure."
You rise from your seat and click on the radio in your little outpost in Canterlot. To your luck, it's silent. This radio dictated the difference between a good day at work, and a bad day at work. The royal guard established that letters were too unreliable of a source of message traveling, so work began on a new method of transference. The nation's brightest unicorns banded together and created a magic method that they labeled... something long and stupid.
On Earth, it's called a radio. That's what matters here.
All stations have been on high alert for the day, listening to their radios intently. If there was ever a time to strike, it would be today. Today is the Crystalling of the new Princess, Flurry Heart. Celestia, Luna, Twilight, Cadance, and of course the Elements of Harmony are all gathered in the Crystal empire for the big event.
Your job is to wait patiently, listening to the radio, in case anything happens that requires the assistance of the royal guard.
"What are we playin’ today?" you ask.
"Blackjack?" he asks.
"Never liked the mare," you answer without skipping a beat.
He looks at you oddly.
"Oh, wait. Yeah. Deal it out."
He deals a facedown card to you, then one to himself.
Then he does the same with a face up card.
"*KErrrSH* This is Crystal 5. The Crystalling will commence in almost an hour. Stand by, over.*KErrrSH*"
Neither you, nor Spear reacts as you check your cards, a facedown ace of diamonds and a two of hearts. You knock the table and he deals another card to you, the five of spades. That's an 18, against his 9 of diamonds and facedown card.
He could have a 20, if he has another ace. If he has a 10, he beats you. If he has a nine, the dealer wins. Overall, that's pretty weak chances.
"Hit me," you say.
He deals out another card, the eight of spades. That puts you solidly at 16. You sigh to yourself and lean back in your seat.
"Dude, it's not like there are any stakes here. Why are you taking this so seriously?" he asks.
"If you play seriously, even in practice, it helps you in the real game."
He scoffs and shakes his head.
"*KErrrSH* This is Crystal 4. We have rough weather coming in from the south. Over.*KErrrSH*"
You scratch your head, trying to do the math. Freshly cut deck. It's been dealing low cards. Maybe... you can take this chance.
"Sixteen," you say, flipping over the Ace.
Spear flips his facedown card to reveal a nine of diamonds.
"Well then," he says, dealing himself another card.
The jack of clubs hits the table.
"We got a winner," he says. "Again."
"Aww yeah. I got a good feeling about tonight. Deal out another hand."
"Yeah. Yeah. Can you at least finish the cigarette? I hate the smell."
"Fine."
You take one last drag, and then put it out in an ashtray you brought.
"*KErrrSH* Crystal Four. This is Crystal 1, we have rough weather coming in from the north as well. Are you seeing this? Over.*KErrrSH*"
Spear shuffles the deck and you turn your head to the radio.
"Jeez, I didn't know we were getting the weather report today. This is supposed to be for emergencies only."
Spear smiles, shuffling the deck of cards.
"You never know with those Crystal Guards. Sometimes they'll just talk to each other because they're bored."
"Life must be hard," you chuckle.
"*KErrrSH* Crystal 3 here. Uh. Is it just me, or is the storm closing in on us from all sides? Over.*KErrrSH*"
"Deal me," you say tapping the table.
Spear sets the deck on the table, and you cut it. He tosses each of you a face down card and a face up card. You check your face down card that sits by your three of clubs, the ace of spades. You smile to yourself at your Earth memory, and then tap the table. Spear tosses you another card. The jack of hearts sits atop your three of clubs.
Great. That did nothing.
"*KErrrSH* Crystal 1 here. We have a major *KErrrSH* The Crystalling *KErrrSH* *KErrrSH* Cancelled. Over.*KErrrSH*"
You pause, your attention torn from the game to the radio.
"Wait a sec, did you hear that?"
"Yeah," Spear says, his gaze on the box as well.
"*KErrrSH* Crystal *KErrrSH* Snow *KErrrSH* *KErrrSH* Cadance *KErrrSH* *KErrrSH* Over.*KErrrSH*"
"Ugh. Just more weather. I swear," you groan, looking back to your hand.
"Why does the radio get so much static in bad weather?" Spear asks.
You scoff and return your gaze to him.
"Dude, I'm a human. I barely understand how flying works for you people. Something, something… Horn magic traveling through the air and the clouds interfering or some shit."
Spear shakes his head.
"Sure. Got it. Now then, hit or stay?" he asks.
You look down to your ace, jack, and three.
"Hit," you say.
He tosses out a 7 of diamonds.
"*KErrrSH*"
"Stay."
The stallion looks down to his nine of hearts and flips a four of clubs. He gives himself an eight of hearts and smiles.
"Twenty-one," he says.
You throw out your twenty-one with a sigh, resting your head on your palm.
"Lucky duck."
"Hey man, it's how the cards work, not me."
"*KErrrSH*"
"Sure. sure," you say. "But every dealer is a cheat until proven innocent, in my opinion."
Spear laughs at your dry humor and begins to shuffle the cards together.
"*KErrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrSH*"
"So, how's the kids?" you ask.
"You asked last night," he responds.
"Well hell, what else are we suppos--"
"*KErrrSH* THE PRINCESSES ARE BEING RAVAGED BY HUGE BLACK C*KErrrSH*"
The room goes silent. The radio screams static as your eyes widen in horror.
"Get the Commander,” you say.
"On it," Spear says, leaping to action.
You jump out of your chair and jump to the microphone on the desk for speaking to the Crystal Empire. Tapping the send button three times, you speak into the microphone.
"Crystals, this is Canterlot 1. We received your distress call. Please provide more information."
The radio sings its hazy incoherence and a chill runs down your spine.
What in the world are they trying to say? What's happening to the Princesses? It couldn't be...
This can't be a joke…Not on this line.
"Crystals, this is Canterlot One. Please respond. Over."
"*KErrrSH* IT'S EVERYWHERE. *KErrrSH*
"What's everywhere?" you answer back. "What’s the status of the Princesses? Over."
Quick Anon. Think. Big black what?
Your mind instantly jumps in the gutter and you shake your head. God damn it, Anon. You can't spend time thinking about cock. People will think you're weird or something.
Then again, 'it's everywhere' doesn't really help the case.
Are the Princesses being taken prisoner? Are they being tortured against their will by some team of changelings, and-
ANON. NOW IS NOT THE TIME TO THINK OF SOMETHING LIKE THAT.
"Crystals. We need more information, what's going on over there?!"
You groan, placing your hands over your face. There has to be a better way of getting more information. All you know is that the Crystal Empire is in trouble. Taking a deep breath, you steel yourself for the question you are prepared to ask. You tap the send button again, and open your mouth.
Spear and your commanding officer burst back into the room as you scream into the microphone.
"Are the princesses being ravaged by big black cock?! OVER!"
You pause, realizing you are no longer alone.
"Anonymous,” your commander says. “A word, please."
"*KErrrSH* This is Crystal Two. The Crystalling is complete. The big black clouds dispersed and the Princesses are heading to the private reception. Over. *KErrrSH*
You rise from your seat, and turn to your commander. Suddenly, you feel as if your gut is going to release its dinner. Something begins to corrode you from the inside, and it’s not the cancer from your smoking habit.
"Sir, I can explain."
"I heard it too," Spear responds. "It came through on the radio. We were worried for the Princesses safety."
Your commanding officer looks from you to Spear.
"Listen you two; I looked the other way when you two asked about the Equestria Games being threatened by massive balls."
"Sir, with all due respect, it turned out that there actually was a massive ball of ice," you say.
"Yes and a baby dragon worked the ball like a champ. But the point is we can't allow you two to use the radio if you two are going to interpret messages as if they're dirty."
"But sir," Spear pleads.
"No. No buts. The last thing I want from you two are your buts. You two have been waving your buts in my face ever since you've joined this crew, and I'm sick of it."
Spear snickers to himself as he looks to you.
"Is something funny, Private Spear? Do you think that your 'buts' are funny?" he says.
Now it's your turn to laugh.
"No sir. Butts are no laughing matter," Spear responds.
"Good!"
"We'll keep our butts to ourselves from now on, weather or not we have an excuse," Spear continues.
"Thank you. One small slip up and I swear to Celestia, you two will be put on cleaning duty."
"Yes sir!" you and your partner say.
The commander nods, and then leaves the room. Spear sighs to himself then looks back to you.
"Well, we really cocked it up this time," he says.
"Stop being a dick about it, dude."
"Really, is this what we're going to do all night? Just make puns?" he responds.
You shrug.
"What else have we got to do? The whole night just climaxed."
You sit back down to the table of cards and sigh. Spear joins you, not taking his gaze off you.
"Hey just a thought..."
You look up to him.
"What?"
"What if the Princesses really were being ravaged?"
"Dude! Don't say that," you spit at him.
He leans back in his chair.
"What?!"
"That shit's serious, we can't joke about that. Don't even think about it."
He stares at you intently.
"What?" you ask.
"Nevermind,” he says.
"No. What?"
He sighs, looking away from you.
"I had a joke here, but now it just feels forced."
You stare at him. He looks back up with a crooked, shit eating grin.
"I hate you."
