Collected Q&B Fixes

by Posted

Rating: teen
Tags: Comedy
Length: 2211

This is what really happened.

In another place, in another time, to another pony eerily similar, this is what happened.

Published 1970-01-01 00:00:00 UTC
Last updated 2016-05-24 19:48:55 UTC

Hopes - Light Your Torch

"Crystal!" Velvet's voice yelled from outside.  "Crystal, open up!"

"What?"  Crystal hopped off the couch and hurried over, her magic undoing the lock.  She skidded to a halt as the door burst open.  "Velvet?"

Velvet ran past her, head whipping back and forth to look around.  "Where is he?"  She pivoted on her right foreleg and gave Crystal a bone-chilling glare.  "Where—is—he?"

Hearing the racket a sleepy looking Silent Knight stumbled out of the bedroom.

Yawning he asked, "Velvet, what're you doing here?"

With the most peculiar look on her face Velvet said, "Uh, celebratory Silent-Didn't-Make-Crystal-Cry threesome?"

Next to Velvet a rapidly reddening pony collapsed on the floor with a thump.

Hopes - To the Friends We're Making

Her heart racing again, she slowly turned to face the owner.  A large, stocky, yellow earth stallion stood there, his expression a mix of a half-hearted smile and nervous eyes.  She knew his face.  She knew him: Verdant Wellspring, husband of Painted Wave.

"Hi, Crystal," he said.

"Verd, what are you—"  She couldn't finish the question.  Her heart had already jumped into her throat and then sunk to the pit of her stomach.  She knew the answer.  "Why did she—"

"Verd, I don't understand." Crystal said hesitantly. "I can accept Silent's reasons, but why did Painted feel compelled to volunteer?"

Shuffling his hooves awkwardly, Verdant Wellspring met Crystal's eyes.

Meanwhile in Manehattan at the Royal Guard Staging Area

The hustle and bustle of hundreds perhaps thousands of ponies filled the air with a relentless cacophony of sounds. Mostly the ponies working managed to tune out the ambient noise after a few minutes and go about their business. However, one fresh arrival looking for a bit of escape wandered off to the northernmost warehouse which was being used by the 501st Unicorn Corps. At first entering the large building was a relief. Nearly all of the sounds was blocked by what looked to be thick, reinforced walls. Actually now that he had a chance to look around, he noticed that he had passed through a warning stenciled on the ground directing ponies to keep clear of the area.

Shrugging, the stallion walked further into the vast building to find a spot to lay down. After all, the Equestrian Army controlled the area now, not whichever company had donated the space to the war effort. Gradually as he walked farther in his ears perked up. Some sound that he could hear at a nearly subconscious level was emanating from near the back of the building. Abandoning thoughts of a quick nap he went in search of the sound. Soon he could feel the hairs of his coat standing on end and his horn began to tingle.

Just ahead was another small, squat structure within the larger warehouse. It looked rough and hastily assembled, not matching the general look of the warehouse at all. Actually, taking a closer look, he could see that it wasn't even finished, lacking windows or even a door that he could see. Why would somepony put what amounted to a large stone box in the center of a warehouse in the Army's staging area?

Every foot closer to the box he came increased the intensity of the ghostly song thrumming through the air, plucking at his heartstrings. Licking his lips, he leaned forward carefully placing an ear against the unfinished wall. Whatever it was, was definitely coming from within. Leaning in closer he strained, trying to hear more clearly. That was a mistake. A bolt of lightning raced down his horn upon making contact with the wall scrambling his vision and dropping him to the floor.

Shaking his head, he slowly stepped away from the box. Before he could turn away, however, he saw something which made no sense. The previously gray wall had dots of color on it. Squinting he shook his head, unless he was mistaken, those dots were moving.

Suddenly the ethereal song reached a crescendo. Sympathetic sparks flew from his horn showering the area around him in blue light.

Shuffling backward on the bare floor caused a percussion section of crackles and pops of electricity to play on his coat. Even his tail and mane were no longer bound by gravity, seeming to drift about in an unseen breeze.

His eyes widened, the song's tempo had doubled then doubled again in the space of a single verse. Color bloomed in concentric circles across the no longer drab walls. The painted waves of colors raced towards each other with the fury of warring trumpets.

With a sound more heard than felt the walls of the box detonated blasting color and sound outwards in all directions. Unable to react in time the stallion could only look on as death reached out to embrace him. A moment before everything went dark, the stallion thought he saw a unicorn mare whose horn was connected by a tether of magic to a floating crystal that sparkled and glowed with all the colors of the rainbow.

Don't worry, he was only knocked out.

Like Seriously, They Wrote It Like That?

...gazing out across the broken ground Protagonist's heart was heavy. They'd won this time, but at what cost. That the smell wafting through the hazy air no longer turned his stomach was worrying. Was Protagonist still a human after all he'd been through and done?

Insightful Commenter looked up from the latest issue of Strapping Stallions with a determined frown on his face. It didn't make sense. Why didn't Insightful's favorite author see the trap they'd fallen into? It was clear as day to him. Re-reading the last sentence again, Insightful pondered. Maybe, maybe, Word Smith really didn't see their blunder.

Rolling out of bed, Insightful landed on all four hooves with the grace of a drunken ballerina. With a hitch in his step, he went about his room collecting all the back issues of Strapping Stallions. If he was going to have any chance of helping Word Smith, Insightful would need to include a lot of quotes. Quotes were like words that wrote themselves after all. Sure Insightful might have to apply a few minor fixes to them, but he was sure Word Smith won't mind. Who could possibly be bothered by freely given improvements?

Sometimes Insightful wondered if he was actually the one writing the story and Word Smith his assistant.

Cracking every joint known to ponykind Insightful got down to business. He wrote and he wrote and he wrote. He deleted words, he swapped words, and he in a case or two invented words. Sleep was for other ponies. Hours swept by one by one as Insightful's righteous crusade gave him the stamina of ten editors.

This isn't to say that there weren't any trials Insightful suffered during his writing. Three of his girlfriends and one of his boyfriends did their best to distract him from his quest. Luckily as a master of logic and passion, Insightful was able to stay the course despite their efforts. Sadly the tears from their pleading would require Insightful to refinish his Wooden Writer's Writing Desk at some point.

A montage of flying paper, spinning inkwells, and furious scribbling later, Insightful was done. He fixed it. Right there in front of him every flaw in Lamentations of a Lonely Human had been corrected. Scooping up his reams of paper in a messy stack, Insightful prepared to—

Wait a minute. What could he do? Sure he had perhaps the most well thought out and compelling comment to ever grace paper, but how was he suppose to get it to Word Smith?

Screaming, Insightful made a repeated thrusting gesture with his stack of paper as if trying to will it to appear in from of Word Smith's eyes. With a frustrated growl, Insightful grabbed a saddlebag and crammed his brilliance inside. A simple thing like the lack of instant communications between reader and author wouldn't deter him.

Eight hours later, that saddlebag was starting to feel heavy. Insightful must have walked through half of Canterlot searching for somewhere to unload his genius. He had been to libraries, parks, Princess Celestia's bed chambers, and more private residences than he could count. Nowhere, however, had he found a podium erected in his honor from which to pontificate to Word Smith.

It wasn't fair. Word Smith needed him. If Lamentations of a Lonely Human didn't incorporate all these necessary fixes he'd spent his valuable time on it would be a disaster. Celestia forbid, what if readership fell off too much and Strapping Stallions dropped Word Smith.

There was no way that Insightful could allow Word Smith to be torn down by those who didn't appreciate him like Insightful did. Steeling himself, Insightful vowed that he would do whatever it took to get his expertly crafted words before Word Smith no matter how long it took.

Two Days Later

"Word! Word! Word!"

The repetitive cry continued without interruption, moving from street to street within Canterlot following a half-pony, half-paper creature.

Then the source of the cries paused, not the cries themselves of course, but the paperpony making them stopped walking. He found himself before a new building which might contain Word Smith. With a deranged grin on his face he, went into Mare Contraire. As Insightful well knew, it was only fair to spread his vast intellect wherever he went. It would be a cruelty to deny anypony his greatness.

Making a beeline for the biggest concentration of ponies begging to hear his wisdom he sidled up to the bar. No one can be sure why, but for a brief moment when Insightful stood at the bar, the smallest touch of sanity returned to him. Smacking his dried lips together, that tiny, infinitesimal bit of self-preservation communicated that he was in need of hydration.

Turning to the nearest mare behind the bar, Insightful yelled, "Punch!"

"Punch!"

"Punch!"

"Punch!"

After the third or fourth shrieking-bellow from the paperpony, the bartender gave him what he wanted.

Mango served Insightful Commenter a swift punch to the face knocking him to the ground in a flurry of displaced paper.

Hopes - Fancies and Fineries

A raised hoof cut her off and they walked in silence down a corridor and into Cadence's office.  Cadence led her over to a china cabinet set against one wall, turned to face her, and grinned.  Crystal flinched back until she noted the expression looking at her, chanced a peek at the display case, and gasped.

Cadence had swung the cabinet away from the wall on hinges. Turning back to Crystal, Cadence graced her with a terrifyingly salacious smile as she walked into the dark room. "Some of the more adventurous 'Royal Wedding' merchandise never made it to stores. Luckily I was able to get ahold of the prototypes."

Before Crystal could pry her jaw off of the floor she was picked up in a light blue glow and whisked inside.

Hopes - Please Bring Honor to Us All

The doors to the library stood little chance when Crystal found them.  They may have been locked for all she knew, but her panic-fueled magic shoved them open with such force that nothing could have stopped it.

Sapphire Pageturn sat behind the front desk, her eyes wide.  "H-Hello?"  She cleared her throat.  "May I help you?"

Crystal's cheeks were hot with tears, and the hitch in her voice only made her feel worse.  "I need—I need information.  All your books on martial arts. Particularly anything by the Knights of the Moon." An eerie calm descended over Crystal.  "This time he won't be alone," she said with absolute conviction.

Crystal remained still for a moment, then tried to smile.  "Do you have any tea?"

"Tea?"  Sapphire's lips twitched upward and she shook her head.  "Normally, we don't allow food or drinks in the library."

Finishing flipping through the first book Crystal turned to Sapphire. "I know Kung Fu."

The door opened and Silent stepped inside, freezing when their eyes met.  His gaze flicked briefly to the newspaper, and he knew.  They both knew.

Front flipping over the dinning room table Crystal ran through a series of katas before striking a pose before Silent. "I'm going with you."

Silent's jaw dropped. "Uh—"

Crystal pressed a hoof to his mouth. "I accept who you are Siley, all of you. As the saying goes, the pen is mightier than the sword. Now I have both."

Ruining the moment Velvet chose that instant to leap through the still open door. "Surprise," she shouted.

"Velvet?"

"Crystal."

"Crystal."

"Silent? What is Velvet wearing?"

Pulling himself together Silent untangled himself from Crystal and stepped back to face both mares. "I never intended to leave you behind again Crystal." Gesturing at Velvet's skin-tight body suit he continued, "Runic has built some kind of crazy giant mechanical monstrosity. It's something straight out of Airship 40k." Seeing Crystal's eyes start to glaze over he pulled out a second suit. "For some reason the C.W. Step, yes that's its name, needs two pilots who have a deep childhood connection. That's you and Velvet, Crystal."

Beckoning her outside Silent pointed up and up and up at the towering mech. "That's her Crystal. My two favorite ladies are coming with me and that's what you're piloting."