#1 - "I could have been much crueler"
On nights before I change, I usually go through a series of rituals. First and most importantly, I make sure I’m home – because I’ve had many close calls up to this point. Next, because placidity tends to accelerate the changes, I trot around the house a couple of times, and then sometimes down the road and back. Then, after my blood is pumping and I’m covered in sweat, I immediately go for a cold shower just to drive it all in. Finally, this last one – I probably shouldn’t do it given what I put my body through prior – but I take some melatonin in my medicine cabinet and try lying down on the couch. I don’t really have a more effective method, but until one shows up, this will have to do.
So anyway: after taking some melatonin, I laid down on the couch and stared up into the ceiling, watching all the little brown dots change shape, shift, grow, shrink, blur. My blood pumped a bit slower, then my chest ceased its pressure in and around my stomach. Ahhh. My head tilted to the left and watched as most of my smaller rodent and avian friends tended to their business, scurrying in and out of their compartments; the larger animals stayed outside. It was nice to think their attitudes didn’t change whenever mine did.
The transition slowly bubbled in. Sometimes, it was hard to discern from the effects of my melatonin, but it started unmistakably with the taste of hot cinnamon boiling up in my throat; next, my body got inexplicably warm. I lied awake, hoping my self-medications would help a bit – it did seem to have a catalytic effect – but soon enough, it’d build a tolerance to the drug, the way it built a tolerance to everything else, and I’d be face-to-face with it more than ever.
Once in a while, just before the changes commenced, I’d puke, just like tonight. “Mmmn-ngh!” I shot up, and locating the nearest trash can, I vomited a small pool of pink liquid. It dripped off of my mouth, sliding thickly and slowly down the can’s plastic lining.
Coming back from the bathroom, and out of a strange, grotesque urge, I stared down into the garbage, wondering how this pool of pink propagated and stewed in my body without killing me. It was basically phlegm, except it wasn’t really in my lungs but assumingly down in my stomach. I started crying. My hooves raised themselves to my eyes to hide the shame. Angel Bunny leaped up next to me and gave me a tiny hug. I hugged back. “Oh, Angel, it’s terrible,” I said, sniffling. “I’m so helpless. I’m going to hurt people.”
I heard a faint knocking at the door.
Ten o’clock on Saturdays, right on the dot. He was always intentionally one minute early to impress me, I believe. His sound muffled on the other side: “Fluttershy! Yoo-hoo!” He said in a sing-songy voice.
“Be right there!” I said, hoping to mask enough of my sadness. Another trip to the bathroom to clean up so I wouldn’t look like I was crying, then I came back to hide the trashcan. Amid this, my body was burning hotter and hotter. The cinnamon burned up through my throat. The plan? I repeated it to myself as I left the kitchen: say hi to Discord, tell him you’re not feeling well and push him away. I absolutely hate making Discord feel bad, but I had to do it. The shame and embarrassment that came with this experience was too much to share. Okay, front door right there. Just make it quick.
Pulling the door open, there stood the wiry figure of a draconequus, looking as gentlemanly as ever. Discord exuded confidence, no matter the situation. I said, “good evening, Discord!” Hoping my nervous voice wasn’t terribly prominent. It was okay to sound a little upset if I was going to use it as an excuse. “Welcome!”
“Good evening to you, too, Miss Fluttershy,” he said, bowing and bending one arm beneath his chest. “Might I come in?”
“Please do!”
Now that Discord routinely visited me on the weekends, I could always expect to have some regular company. Surely, nothing could compare to the presence of my lovely woodland friends, but it’s not quite the same as an equal to myself. We talked, we laughed, we entertained ourselves, we drank to tea (and maybe some stronger concoctions when it was a good night) and sometimes we welcomed other familiar faces. Last weekend, Discord convinced the mailstallion to join us – I think they had a previous acquaintance, not sure, but it was still nice. And other times, the girls dropped by, though that sometimes worked and sometimes didn’t.
Admittedly, I felt drawn to Discord in a much different way than the girls, perhaps because I saw him more like an animal, as something from the wild, but above everything else, something that wanted to be understood. I can understand having aversion towards his personality and antics, but even amid that, I always felt my role was to give him the one thing he couldn’t earn from anypony else. It’s unbelievable sometimes how far he’d go to seek approval or show affection; you’d think it was malice or contempt, but he only knew how to express himself in a specific manner. Unbelievably dysfunctional, but that’s what he seemed to do.
So, no, I’ve never found it very challenging to accept who he was, despite all of his mishaps and misdeeds over the years, and even during his most recent… well, tirade, but I have no ill-will towards him, whatsoever. I think the worst thing I could ever do to poor Discord was not forgive him; he was aware of that. In a world that basically either hated him or didn’t know what to think, it’s probably nice knowing he had a friend like me. I’ll always enjoy giving him an outlet where he could voice his frustrations and ailments, and believe me, it’d shock you how often he opened himself emotionally.
Sitting down at the living room table, Discord and I tended to tea and usual chatter. I said, “sorry, it’s not been a terribly interesting week for me. Went out shopping a bit, visited Twilight, tended to Angel’s tummy ache.”
He raised a talon. “No worries, dear Fluttershy. It’s the same old for me, as well: pliancy, boredom, hijinks and whatnot, and not since my latest event have I done anything of interest.” He took a drink. “Er, not to imply it was such a good thing, but that’s of the past, dear. Still, I really do enjoy the presence of your friends these days; might you invite them sometime along with me?”
“I’d actually love to! If you’d told me sooner, I would’ve arranged a get-together with the girls, though some of them might either be busy or too tired. You know how we stay up sometimes.” It was true. When nights got really good, we’d stay up till’ the sun rose. I sipped my chamomile. “Good memories to hold onto.”
I caught Discord cringing. “Yeesh, Fluttershy, isn’t that tea still a bit torrid for you?”
The tea, despite its near-boiling point, only felt lukewarm as it traveled down my throat. It barely even burned my tongue. “Not really. I guess I’m just getting used to it.” Discord caught me looking at the clock a few times. I knew he’d catch on.
He parsed his lips. “Waiting on something?”
Alright, Fluttershy, just tell him he has to go. “No, just antsy.”
“I see…” And yet his expression carried scrutiny, floating a small plate under his tea cup. “Might this be any of my business to ask? You’re among friends, Miss Fluttershy!”
He has to go. Do it. “Well…”
“You know, I can certainly tell when my friends are upset; years of experience in reading others proves it. Otherwise, we’ll just sit here and brood.” He put his fist beneath his chin and took on a menacing, statuesque appearance. I giggled. Then he hesitated and it broke my heart. “I mean, unless… You want me to leave. Which is fine.”
“No, no! Not at all, Discord. I’d never push you out the door. Your presence is so sacred to me, I could never-“
He placed a talon forward, waving. “No, no, now if this is personal, I can’t be expected to pry.”
“Well, maybe I want to tell you.”
Discord shrugged. “If you insist, I suppose.”
Slight hints of pink vapor poured from my mouth. It wasn’t visible enough for him to see yet. “Well… I’ve been experiencing an illness recently and it hasn’t been easy to manage. It’s a physical and mental one, you could say.”
“Heavens,” he said, “how serious is it?”
“Pretty serious.” I sipped my tea. “Certain emotional swings, certain personality changes. My body acts unusual.” I attempted exhaling in short bursts. The burning sensations in my throat coursed up from my stomach and into my chest. Discord shifted in and out of focus as the room seemed wobblier. “I’m taking brewed remedies to help myself manage it and its working quite well, actually.”
He shook his head. “Admittedly, I’m a bit lost. Personality changes?”
I really messed this one up. Should’ve just kept it to myself. “Well, it’s… it’s not as serious as you’d think. I’ll be fine, just relax.” Another drink, though by this time, it was quite cool. “Is it just me or did I not heat up this tea correctly?”
“Hmm…” Discord flipped the cup upside down, defying physics as it was still filled to the brim, and looked inside. “Not that I can tell.”
With every breath I drew, my body increased in warmth, like putting fuel to a campfire. I noticed all the little details: my ribcage expanding, in and out; my stomach, ravaged earlier from profuse vomiting, now calm. I closed my eyes and stared off into an infinite darkness, staring into a vortex that gladly sucked away all of my fears and nightmares…
“Fluttershy!”
My eyes shot open and I saw Discord holding me by the chest, just before I toppled over on the table. Some of my tea dribbled onto the wood. “What?”
He levitated me to the couch, and there I was again, staring at the little dots on my ceiling, only now they looked more like they were in an ocean, carried by the waves. Visions of pink haze spat and wafted in their wake. I heard Discord’s voice again: “Do you need me to contact someone?”
“No!” I jolted up instantly and stared into his face. “Absolutely not!” I’d never actually seen Discord frightened before, at least not by my doing. Angel joined me on the couch, caressing my side, but shot me a slightly different expression. I looked up to Discord, bearing a throbbing pressure in my temples. “Discord, I know this looks bad, but it doesn’t need to go outside of the cottage. Can we keep this here, please?”
He crossed his arms and puffed up. Discord did this when he was defensive. “Miss Fluttershy, I’m under the impression you’re hiding pertinent details from me.”
I cringed, but bared his rant, rubbing my noggin. “It’s just complicated, Discord.” I stood up. “Please understand: I need you to leave.”
His jaw dropped and his arms splayed out. “Seriously?”
I tried escorting him to the entrance but with zero luck. Every joint and muscle in my body squealed with an odd pleasure, and pink haze flooded into my vision. All the room’s colors turned warm, like it was daytime again. “It’s personal. Trust me on this; I really should’ve asked you to visit me tomorrow. Can you give me time to myself? Just for an hour or so?”
He contemplated his next answer and turned pensive. “I’m going to guess it’s a curse of some sort. What could cause pink vapors to pour from one’s mouth? And intense body heat?”
Wow, I guess he did notice. I shook my head. “I’m serious… Please… You don’t want to see me like this when it happens.”
“Fluttershy, as your dear friend, I refuse to take your requests seriously.” Using his lion arm, he raised a claw indignantly. “I can tolerate not telling Twilight or the others, but I won’t accept leaving you h-“
“Will you get out?” Words I never expected to hear came from my mouth, and bursting with pink vapors no less. My hooves raised to my mouth and the tears poured. “Oh, no… I’m so sorry…” I crouched over and stared down to the floor. Discord came hovering over, placing a paw to my withers. “I never meant to yell at you…”
“Tis’ fine. Sometimes, I need it.” Again, he carried me back to the couch and I laid down.
I looked up to him. “I really just need to be to myself. I know it looks dramatic right now but I’m not in danger.” The taste of cinnamon built back up in my throat.
“Hmmph…” He stood back up. “If you really want me to leave, that’s fine, but I can hardly imagine whatever you’re going through is worthy of hiding, especially from someone like myself.” His nose tipped up. “Good night to you, Miss Fluttershy!”
And in exaggerated fashion, I watched him march towards the door. “Wait! Discord!” But he waltzed right out. I couldn’t help but feel guilty, but then again, I knew he wasn’t being serious. He’d be back.
With Angel following behind, I fixed another pot of tea in the kitchen and brought it to the dining table. It seemed drinking tea was something of a relaxer – it didn’t totally wane out my emotional spikes but it gave me something to focus on. Without tea, I tried meditating and focusing on my breath. Other times, I’d scream into a pillow. In most cases, I was never successful. When it happened, it happened.
As I started pouring, I saw what looked like a yellow bubble or a hard-boiled egg popping from the spout. Initially, I thought I’d brewed an exceptionally rotten concoction, far beyond my ability to intentionally do so, but then I saw it wiggling. “Eeeek!” I jumped back, but even before I screamed, I already knew. Soon enough, it came all the way through, like a giant tear drop.
A muffled voice from inside the pot spoke: “Fluttershy? Might I just stay in here for the night? Pleeease?” The eyeball pointed around the room. “I just wanna make sure you’re okay!”
I sighed. “Yes, it’s fine, Discord.”
“Whoopee!” In a way I can’t describe without giving myself a headache, Discord’s head popped out of the spout, then the rest of his wiry body poured forth like a compressed noodle until he manifested behind the table opposite of me. “Is this better? I promise your tea pot is A-OK, dear.” He rubbed it with his lion paw. “See?” He raised it to my eye level.
“Yes.”
He leaned down to the table. “Now, I’m interested in what this little ‘illness’ of yours is doing to your body. My only temptation is to know; might I assume you haven’t told a single pony?”
I took up a seat. “Nope.”
“Mind if I pour a cup?”
“Sure, go ahead.”
He could’ve snapped his fingers; instead, he walked to my cupboard, took a cup, patiently filled it and drank. “Yowch! Too hot, again.”
I made sure he watched me drink my tea – just as hot as his – straight down in a single gulp, and as I placed it back on the table I observed his befuzzled expression, then I smiled. “Not too hot for me.” I pushed it to the side.
Discord sat down across from me, gazing with curiosity and some sort of anticipation. Intentionally, I breathed out pink vapors, letting them waft across the table as he waved them. “Smells like cinnamon.”
“Indeed.”
“Mind if I interrogate?”
“Hmm…” I tapped my chin. “I don’t think so.”
He grew silent, letting me respond next.
“Can I ask you something?”
“Surely, yes.”
“Why do you like me so much?” Discord caught a short gasp and his eyes darted. I giggled. “I’m just wondering is all. We spend so much time together, you know…” I placed my hooves on the table and laid my chin down, yet I didn’t pull my eyes away from his face. “It’s just surprising how we haven’t really done anything more.”
“Err…” His teeth chattered. “Uhh… Miss Fluttershy, this is an odd topic for me…”
“How so? Honestly, you’re so reserved, sometimes.”
Discord, in that moment, must have thought funny comment coming from you. He developed an incredulous look. “Fluttershy, I think our relationship is fabulous and I have no intent on changing it in any way.”
“Is that so?” I grinned. “For being such a chaotic, risky fellow, you certainly enjoy playing where you know it’s safe.”
“Trust me, Fluttershy, I don’t do relationships very well.” He shook his head. “They usually end either in wanton damage or tears. The only way I really knew how to fulfill the void of a relationship – not that I’m in dire need of one, mind you – was back in my truly reckless days. I lived to party and regularly woke up with people I didn’t know, and when I tried relationships, they just… didn’t work. It was a utilitarian thing for me; I wanted a partner that I could use. That was my mentality back then and I don’t want it to return.”
“But… you haven’t dated in so long. How would you know what it’s like today?”
Again, he shook his head and shrugged, running his talon around the rim of the cup to avoid my gaze. “I would do it again, but I don’t want to hurt you.”
I got up from my seat, slowly, and crouched over the table. “I don’t mind being hurt. Let yourself come out. See what happens.”
Another blunt silence, except he was running out of retorts. Discord needed to be pried open. Badly.
I carefully crawled up onto the table, giving myself a few inches from Discord’s face and peered in. “Would you do me a favor?”
“Please, Fluttershy. Let’s just be friends. Please?”
“Why don’t you kiss me?” I said. His avoidant glaze raised back up, staring into my eyes. “It doesn’t have to be for long.” I closed in on his personal space. I could swear he backed up a little.
“Miss Fluttershy, the best way to know me is as a friend; an acquaintance, at best. This ‘illness’ of yours, or whatever you call it-“
“It’s not an illness; it’s liberation. I’m free.”
Errant farm animal sounds carried on in the backyard. Angel was in the far corner of the kitchen, not sure of what was happening. I placed a hoof on Discord’s paw arm. “Just let yourself go, just this once. If you can do it for chaos…” I placed my hoof up underneath his chin. “You can do it for me.”
For just a brief moment, Discord’s eyes rested, as if accepting his fate. He looked into me – I knew it was an expression of wanting. He wouldn’t admit it, but for that one moment, he really wanted this. I was willing to give Discord whatever he wanted, what he thought he could never receive or deserve. I can imagine it being difficult to like him, but that’s the point; he’s a wild animal. He’s untamed. He can’t control himself, nor can anyone else, and I was the only person who could give him that compassion. I was his angel, and I could give it just as easily as I could take it.
What’s wrong with pushing your boundaries just a little? It’s not asking much to take one day out of your life to do something new, and this was hardly scratching the surface. Honestly, I wasn’t going far enough. I know I wasn’t. Discord needed a persuasive lady, an assertive mare. “You said you wanted to stay, right? You wanted to see how far my supposed ‘illness’ went? Aren’t you impressed yet?”
“Frankly, I… I’m not sure. Coming from you, I can’t quite say I like it. I prefer the nice, sweet, caring Fluttershy, not whoever this is supposed to be.”
“I just want to try something new. Can’t you just go along with it?”
He grimaced. “What are we going to do?”
I pressed up against his chest. “Only one thing: close your eyes.”
Discord, for a moment, tried protesting, but it gradually died down. He looked at me wistfully and grinned, then closed his eyes. Pink vapor exhaled from my nostrils over his face as I caressed it, and I reached in, closing my own eyes as I met my lips to his. It was simple at first; we just pecked, then I pushed forwards, grasping my forelegs around his head. Without going into great detail, we kissed, and we did it with a curious passion; nothing intense or over-the-top, but between two supposed ‘friends’, this was an unusual, yet welcome, experience.
We pulled back and I looked at him. “How was that?”
Discord looked to be lost, but only briefly. Not sad or confused; more like intrigued. “It was nice.”
“See? I told you. It wasn’t a big deal. Nopony got hurt.” I caressed his shoulders. “It was all in your head.”
He looked at me. “This doesn’t seem terribly awful, after all.”
“Of course not!” I smiled. “I’m just barely touching the surface. I can go so much farther.”
“Well, then…” Discord stood up from his chair. “Where would you like to take it?”
“Huh?”
“Name someplace in Ponyville and we’ll go this instant!” He probably would’ve said ‘anywhere’, but Discord was serving a year-long sentence for the Tirek incident, so he was limited. There was also his little warped reality compartment, which was potentially safer than anyplace else in Ponyville, but it was more fun like this.
“Hmm…” I contemplated. Ponyville wasn’t a really rousing location; you had a couple of bars, then some clubs and a few holidays, then some of Pinkie’s parties, but otherwise you’d have to leave to bigger towns to do something fun and wild. What a shame – Discord was willing to really go out for me. “Why just Ponyville? Why not sneak out?”
At first, Discord looked to enjoy the prospect of breaking the rules, but I guess not. “I’m in about as much trouble as one could ask for, Miss Fluttershy. Not recommended.”
“Well…” The burning in my throat intensified. My limbs were more relaxed and I felt dreamy. I allowed the pink vapors to freely flow from my mouth. “Maybe Rarity’s? I don’t think she’d mind, and besides, she kind of knows what’s going on.”
Again, he hesitated. “Rarity’s? This late?”
“Hmm… I guess that’s not such a great idea.”
“I wouldn’t think so, dear.”
“Oh, pony feathers.”
Discord also expressed his discontent. “Your homely pony folk just love turning in as soon as Sunbutt’s shiny beach ball drops, don’t they? No wonder Luna led an uprising. And no offense meant towards you, of course.”
“None taken.” It seemed Discord was getting more used to me like this than anticipated. Really, as long as I didn’t go too far and didn’t display most of my worst symptoms, I should be good. I just had to be careful and avoid the girls as much as possible. “You know, I changed my mind. I think we should just stick around here and drink to good spirits. Just as good as any trip in my book.”
“Anything you wish, Fluttershy.”
I never really drank that much – something I used to be really proud of, I suppose, but now I curse it. So many risks were never taken, so much wasted time, it can really hurt. I’ve lived with borders around my mind for most of my life and I have to thank my friends for opening me as much as they did. I sometimes think back to my singing abilities and what I could do now, and considering recent and personal changes of heart, I’d have no problem performing in front of an audience. The love and attention no longer felt like a place of fear; I didn’t have to feel guilty or afraid or withdrawn. If I could keep this going all the time, that’s exactly what I’d do.
Of course, being a veterinarian is my main passion, if just to be in the presence of my wonderful animal friends, but again, I was beginning to see places left untouched, opportunities left unexplored. A hard side-effect of sudden liberation. I don’t think I’ve lived a wasted life by any means, but I still felt a calling to go out of my dreadful boundaries. Finally, I woke up. I could try it out; what’s it like not to just prefer the presence of animals? Or sing in public? Or make Discord feel significant? The calling was always there; I just didn’t see it.
“Fluttershy?” Discord asked. “What’s wrong?”
I looked to him, holding my drink. “Hm? Oh – well… I’m just thinking about my life, I guess. All the stuff I’ve done and haven’t done. It makes me a little worked up.”
“Considering you and your friends’ past experiences, I wouldn’t imagine there’s much to complain about.” He took a drink. “Quite an extraordinary life.”
“I guess, but this is more on a personal level. It’s a me thing. I just locked myself away for so long…” Pink haze returned to my vision, swirling violently. Discord’s multi-colored body took on a highly chromatic appearance. “The feeling of being a victim and being guilty, it just ate away at me… And I know as soon as this is over, I’ll go right back.”
“You know you’ve got a long life to live, Fluttershy. Nothing is truly wasted unless you think so.”
“Yes, but- nngh!“ I bent over in pain. My stomach cramped and cringed. I could almost feel more of that pink stuff trying to push its way up. “Ungh…”
“Goodness, Fluttershy,” he said, coming over to my aid once again.
My little convulsions ceased. “I’m fine. It’s okay.” I knew what was about to happen. “I’m going to the bathroom.”
“Err…”
Shutting the door behind me, I looked in the mirror to find my eyes bloodshot. My mane took on a frizzier, dimmer quality, as did the tips of my ears. I pulled back my lips and found two small fangs growing in the front – I budged them a little.
I walked back out. Discord said, “I don’t quite know how to feel about this.”
“Feel good,” I said. “There’s nothing to worry about. It’s all me.”
He huffed, crossing his arms again. “Suuure, of course. Not buying it.”
He was still in the kitchen, standing next to the table. His head almost reached the ceiling so he had an imposing presence, but it wasn’t enough to perturb me. I was within my element. He wouldn’t stand me up.
Angel Bunny appeared on the table, giving Discord mixed looks. Their eyes met, and for the first time in their conflictive history, it seemed like they were on the same wavelength. Discord turned back to me. “What happened to you, Fluttershy? This isn’t you. Not in the least. I don’t like this.”
“It’s more me than ever, Discord. Can we just forget it and enjoy ourselves? Come on.”
He shook his head. At this point, he was probably noticing all of my changes. It was almost in full effect. “This is unacceptable. You’re drunk on whatever this ‘illness’ of yours is and it’s controlling your every action. I’ll have none of it!”
“Discord,” I said, approaching him as I caressed his lengthy body. “You’re overthinking it.” Vapors pumped out of my mouth to punctuate the general uneasiness. “Relax.”
He removed my hoof. “Let’s start from how you contracted this; was it in the Everfree? Did you drink some kind of toxin? An animal? What was it?”
I was expecting this. Not a surprise. In some sense, I felt like Discord would’ve been the perfect fit, and given first impressions, it wasn’t hard to see why: he was easily the most devious friend I had. Not evil in any sense, but after the Tirek incident, I realized he was highly persuadable (a nicer word for ‘easy to manipulate’) as long as he felt he could be loyal to someone deserving. He said, in his own words, that he was promised respect, and it wasn’t hard to see why that was so attractive. Prior to his stone imprisonment, Discord’s life was quite lonely and it was clear how unimportant friends and relationships were; ‘utilitarian’, he said. He’d probably never merge perfectly with Equestria at large or completely agree with our ways, but he wasn’t incapable of empathy or friendship. He was lost in a new world and nopony really knew how to help him adjust, and it’s only been until recently that I realized he was in a state of dependency. He has virtually no way to define himself in this world except to conflict with all those around him.
So in a roundabout way, it turns out he wasn’t such a great candidate for my revelation after all. In retrospect, he ranked pretty far down the list. Not a surprise since I originally tried to shoo him out, but poor little old me, I just didn’t have the gumption, did I? He expected me to act and function a certain way (like most ponies do) but in a way where he can be dependent. I have a frightening amount of power over his emotional state; if I told him I wasn’t his friend anymore, who would he go to? The girls are quite accepting and wouldn’t ask twice about taking him in, but he was too proud. When he came to me, it was because he trusted me.
My weekly condition, when I’m not indulging in self-blame or pity or all the other familiar traits when I’m ‘normal’, is liberating. It’s the actual act of being liberated from my demons, if only for a short time. I can’t fathom how or why turning back to ‘normal’ is considered okay. If Discord is going to have this attitude, so will the girls and so will anybody else I tell, and that’ll be the end of my fun.
Still, I don’t regret telling him, I just wish I’d picked maybe Rarity first. I don’t know. She seems like the more embracing type, and she does know a little about it already. It’s just going to take time to explain to Discord my whole situation – if I can get him to calm down first.
“Discord, please understand – there’s nothing wrong with me. Maybe it seems that way given how I look and act, but it’s just… different than what you think. Please believe me.” I crossed my forehooves, frowning.
His contorted face lightened somewhat. “I’ll humor you, perhaps.”
“I don’t know exactly why this is happening to me – it started up around four months ago or something like that. It started mildly, like weird mood swings, but then it felt… good. And then other things started happening. I really liked it.”
“No kidding.” Discord had this childish, pouty tone.
“But…” Another cramp. I bent over, nearly gagging. Some tears built up – I knew they were pinkish. “Nngg… It’s not bad, though. I promise. I can prove it. Let me… I can make you feel good, Discord. We can enjoy it, together. We’ll be better friends than ever, and you’ll be happier than ever.” I approached him. “This world is cold and unfeeling to you; I know you want to be yourself but it’s not welcoming. I know you want… respect, and I’m just the mare to show it to you. We’ve always been friends but I was never conscious enough to really support you.” I paused, contemplating. “I’d like to kiss you again, Discord, but in a different way. I need you to trust me.”
He grumbled inaudibly.
“What?”
“Nothing. You want to do your voodoo curses on me, then fine, but only if I get to see the real you again. Have your way, dear; place me on a pentagram, sacrifice me to the Gods, feed me to your chickens. I don’t really care what it is.”
“It’s a kiss, silly.” I smiled.
Discord sighed, sitting back in the same kitchen chair. “I’m disappointed, Miss Fluttershy, but I’m all yours.” He closed his eyes.
I approached, and just like earlier, I dove in and pursed my lips, then reached around his neck with my hooves. I cuddled him tightly where you could only hear breathing and sucking noises. He was less hesitant this time: Discord actually hugged me back, pulling me in by the withers and took himself further than I’d anticipated. It went from innocent, curious kissing to more serious affection. Again, don’t ask for the details, but you can picture it quite well.
I’m normally not the type to feel regret or anger over past actions – I don’t really feel like I did anything in my life worth regretting – but I had to wonder why I didn’t take it farther with Discord, why I didn’t suggest or bring up anything. He probably always wanted us to stay friends and I understand that, but goodness, the things we could’ve done by now. I have to be careful not to torture myself with this revelation.
We both leaned back on the kitchen chair; he allowed it to recline in mid-air while I hugged around his wiry body. Our kissing mostly ceased and he brushed my mane with his lion paw, stroking down my back. I had a big smile on my face. I reached back up again, giving myself entry to his mouth and, without warning, I began inhaling, and I kept going and going. His eyes shot open and he moaned unpleasantly, but I didn’t stop. With each moment, I felt more of his energies pulling out of his body and pumping into mine. My chest and stomach tingled warmly. A wave of satisfaction swept over; it was the essence of Discord manifesting inside of my being. I made an embarrassingly loud moan, loud enough that a few animals neighboring in the living room made notice and scurried. I’m sure some of them outside the kitchen window started watching.
I stared into his eyes; his mind was vacant of everything except thoughts about me. Excellent.
And so I laid pinned on top of his body, staring into his soul. And I stared. And I kept staring. And I never blinked. He looked back helplessly, his jaw beginning to hang down. A few errant groans came out.
Then, very unpleasantly, I felt Discord’s hands push me backwards off of his body and I landed onto the kitchen floor. He still sat safely in his hovering dinner chair, but now he stared up to the ceiling and appeared to be looking at nothing, his jaw hung open with pink fumes wafting out.
“F- Fl- Ahh…” He mumbled incoherent syllables.
“Poor Discord, I thought you’d be more prepared.” I rubbed the side of his face. “I went a little too far, it seems.”
“Fluttershy…” He reached out at me.
“Relax, my friend. All is well. I could’ve been far crueler.” I brushed his head the same way he brushed mine. I kissed him on the forehead. “Please, relax. You’ll regain your strength.”
I really didn’t expect this to work on Discord, but surprisingly, I brought him to his knees. He looked up at me; I read either deceit or hurt, or both. The poor fellow, he was more vulnerable than I ever thought.
Despite what I did, a tremendous sense of joy and satisfaction warmed my heart, like being full on life or happiness. Everything had this twinkly, happy appearance, like nothing was wrong. Of course, once I ‘sober’ up from this experience, my weaker side probably wouldn’t feel very good, or even accept what happened, and then I’ll suffer profusely for no justifiable reason. Naturally. I’ve yet to notice that I depend on doing this; it’s just an addiction so far, and it doesn’t have any contagious effects on others to my knowledge (ex. Somepony gaining my powers after I drain them).
Quantifiably, you could call me a vampire, and it wouldn’t shock me to find that it had something to do with the Flutterbat incident, but nothing really explains why I’m expunging pink goo. That one’s a mystery.
So I basically sat with Discord, who lied placid in his chair and unsure of what I’d just done. It only took him a couple of more minutes before getting back into full consciousness. He took the whole thing pretty well. “My head hurts.”
“I might have taken more than what I should’ve. I’m going to feel absolutely terrible about this in the morning when it wears off.” I said this like my normal self was some kind of hangover.
“That was… interesting…”
“Yes, it was.”
“How was I? Sweet? Sour? Fulfilling?” He asked with what I assume was legitimate curiosity.
“Sweet, of course.”
“So you really have no clue why this is happening?”
I shook my head. “It just started happening a couple of months ago. I’m too terrified to tell the girls, and to tell you the truth, I was trying to shoo you out earlier. Guess I went to the other side before anything could be done. I’m still glad I told you.”
He hesitated. “What an awful fate. You never deserved this, Fluttershy.”
I shrugged. “I don’t think it’s a big deal. I’m not hurting anypony. What I’d like to do, though, is find out why it’s happening, but not so I shed light on it like it’s a disease or something. I still want to explore.” I added: “I thought of telling Twilight – she’d definitely try to figure out what’s wrong – but I don’t think she’d take it lightly.”
“Dear, that’s because it’s not a light subject. You literally just drained the life out of me.”
“Yeah…”
“And you’re slightly frightening,” he said. “You look like a werewolf right now and your fur is dimmer. Are those fangs?”
“Oh.” I pulled back my lips to show him. “Engh not sure what thegh fogh.” I let my lips rest. “And I don’t intend to use them, either. I think it’s just something left over from the Flutterbat event, like a genetic regurgitation, which probably has a lot to do with what’s wrong with me.”
“Hmm, I remember you telling me about that…” He tapped his chin, staring off, then looked back at me. “Twilight was the one who made you like this, right?” A literal light bulb popped into existence over his head. “Then she might just be your best bet, Fluttershy! You may not have a choice here.”
I groaned. “If we do tell her, I’d like to avoid the more pertinent details. I really want to explore this without actively getting rid of it.”
“If you need someone to feed off of, you may use me.”
“I appreciate it, but that’s sort of not what I’m getting at.” I stood up, pacing around the table. “I feel so different. I don’t feel like I changed as much as the world around me did. I see potential everywhere and I don’t want that to go away. I think this ‘curse’ – or whatever you’d like to call it – is really important, like a calling of some kind. It’s telling me something about myself that I don’t know.”
Discord stroked his goat beard. “I see…”
“Telling Twilight is a fine idea, but we just need to be cautious. I still don’t understand how powerful this energy is; from what I can tell, I’ve only scratched the surface. I know if I’m not careful, I could… lose control, but if I have a handle of it then it could be a good thing.”
Naturally, he didn’t completely approve of this. “As your friend, I will oblige in your explorations and keep your condition a secret…” He stood up and leaned over the table, placing his hands down. “But the second it looks like you’re being hurt, or you’re hurting others, I’m immediately telling Twilight and that’s that.”
“I understand.”
The ride rode itself out. We didn’t do much outside of idle chit chat before we went to bed upstairs. Discord and I went to sleep together on this bed before, but it was always platonic. Discord really liked it that way and I did, too, and it wouldn’t be any different tonight. Sort of. I hugged around his back as we drifted off to sleep,
I’ve never been the type to suffer or feel like I’m not complete unless I have a significant other. It just never occurred to me. I already feel complete – perhaps also confused and frustrated, but not in the sense I feel lonely or isolated. I figured if a nice friend came along and we were interested in taking it up to the next level, I’d never object, but it wouldn’t hurt if they said no. Heck, I’d probably be the one to say no, but I’m starting to wonder if it’s because I’ve actively avoided finding relationships? Again, I’ll clarify; it’s not a big thing. I have the girls and my wonderful woodland friends and, of course, Discord, so ‘incompleteness’ was never a problem, but I do recall Discord bringing up a sense of incompleteness in himself sometimes. Stupid me, how did I miss it?
By morning, I’m going to be myself again. I don't know if this will be a good thing or not, but I’m really glad that I'm no longer facing it alone.
And I hope it doesn't end.
