I ain't afraid of nothing!
The ursa major roared, blowing Rainbow Dash’s mane and tail back. Her hair stuck in that position, even as the roar echoed away and the lethal beast lumbered forward, jaws slavering. Dash snorted, steam puffing out of her nose, and crouched low, her body coiled. “Bring it!” she growled.
“Be careful, Dash!” Sweetie Belle called from inside the net with the other Crusaders.
With a growl usually reserved for construction equipment, the ursa major lept at Dash. At the last possible second, she moved, leaving nothing but a rainbow-colored blur. The ursa major’s jaws closed on empty air with a clack, the bite powerful enough to tear a pony clean in half. “Ha! You’re not scary at all!” she teased.
“Look out!” Apple Bloom screamed, as the ursa whirled on Dash and charged. With a grunt, she struggled against the net to no avail.
With a contemptuous dodge, Dash again slipped out of the way at the last second. The ursa major smashed into the boulder Dash hovered in front of only a second ago. “Olé!” Dash shouted with a giggle. The beast slumped to the ground, tiny stars leaking out and literally circling its head.
“Dash! We’re running out of time! What about the bomb?!” Scootaloo cried.
“Oh yeah, I almost forgot about that,” Dash said, nonchalant. She flew to the mouth of the ursa’s cave and inspected the setup. A plunge- type detonator connected several bundles of dynamite by wires, with a small alarm clock mounted on the side ticking away. The clock face said 11:59, and the second hand displayed only thirty seconds left in the final minute. Dash popped the side of the case off and looked inside. “There’s a lot of wires here. I’m impressed you three managed to make something this complicated. It’s nice that the wires are color-coded, though.”
“Yeah, the bomb-making manual really stressed that we should color-code the wires,” Sweetie Belle said.
“Yeah, so we kin shout ‘it’s the red one’ ta the pony that’s gotta disarm it,” Apple Bloom said with a grin. “At least, that’s what th’ book said,” she added, looking pensive. “That really shoulda made us think twice, huh?”
“Watch out for the timberwolves!” Scootaloo screamed. Indeed, as she spoke, timberwolves padded out of the undergrowth all around the cave. Each one growled, their eyes tracking Dash as she tore off the wire cutters taped to the inside of the panel.
“Did the bomb-making manual also say to duct tape wire cutters to the inside of the case?” Dash asked as the first timberwolf leapt at her.
“Yep!” Scootaloo answered, as Dash bucked the timberwolf out of the air without looking.
“Sweet!” Dash said with a wide grin. She squinted at the tangle of wires, not pausing even when she needed to duck as another timberwolf sailed over her in a predatory leap. “Hmmm…” she hummed to herself, her eyes tracing a wire through the knot.
“It’s the blue one!” Scootaloo hollered.
“Oh, okay, that’s easy,” Dash replied. With a flap of her wings, she lifted off the ground, letting two timberwolves smash headfirst into each other as they dove for her legs. She landed on their shattered remains as if nothing had happened.
“Are ya sure? I thought it was th’ red one!” Apple Bloom said, unable to look at the other Crusaders. The net held the three fillies tightly, and didn’t leave much wiggle room.
“I wish we had used a bigger net. Or didn’t coat it with tree sap,” Scootaloo said, her voice forlorn. She spun slowly with the net, and it gave her a view of the cracked boulder the ursa major had slammed into. “Rainbow Dash!” she screamed, “The ursa major’s gone!”
With a roar, the ursa major tore out of the tree line behind Dash, its long, lumbering strides shaking the ground as it barreled toward her. Dash glanced behind her, above her at the netted fillies, and around her at the approaching timberwolves. She took the wire cutters in her mouth and leaned down to find the right wire. The ursa major roared, charging at Dash like a frieght train. The timberwolves crouched, ready to leap forward and rend their prey. The alarm clock ticked down with two seconds to go. The fillies screamed in terror and closed their eyes.
snip-snap-BOOM!
With a gasp, Scootaloo felt herself jerked upwards. She opened her eyes, and saw Rainbow Dash holding a cut end of rope in her mouth. They flew straight up, just beyond the deafening, fiery blast of an oncoming explosion. With a crash, the ursa major slammed into its cave. The explosion shattered the rocks above the cave entrance, just as designed. The ursa major and the timberwolves disappeared beneath the fire and tons of falling rock. “Dash, you’re amazing!” Scootaloo cried, tears of joy leaking ‘up’ her face as they flew into the sky.
“Don’t you know it!” Dash said with a pompous flick of her tail. She leveled out, the fillies trailing behind in her rainbow wake. “What were you three thinking?” she asked, glancing backwards at the Crusaders.
“We thought we’d help out the town by trappin’ that varmint in his cave,” Apple Bloom started.
“We rigged the explosives to collapse the cave entrance. We thought we’d just get it done while the ursa major was asleep. We even rigged up that net in case the ursa major woke up and decided to attack us,” Sweetie Belle continued.
“We didn’t realize how big and fast it would be, and we didn’t really put the net in the right place. It sort of caught us instead. It’s a good thing, too, because it kept us out of reach from the ursa major, but we couldn’t get out,” Scootaloo finished. “How did you know which wire to cut?”
“I didn’t,” Dash replied. “I just figured no matter what wire I cut, it would cause an explosion. That’s like, how you fillies always make stuff. So I just cut the red wire and saved you all before we all got splattered.”
“But how did you know you could outfly an explosion?!” Sweetie Belle asked, awe in her voice.
“I didn’t know that either. I just trusted that I’m awesome, and I could do it,” Dash said with a smirk.
“Wow, you really are amazin’, just like Scootaloo says!” Apple Bloom gasped out.
“You’re not just amazing, you’re the bravest pony ever!” Scootaloo shouted loud and proud.
“Heck yeah, I’m 20% braver than the next bravest pony!” Dash said, rubbing a forehoof against her chest as if polishing her nail. “There’s nothing I’m afraid of!”
~~~~~
“EEEKKKKKK!” Rainbow Dash screamed like a little filly in a scary movie she shouldn’t watch, her voice high and tinny. It echoed from the depths of her cloud home and died somewhere along a distant hilltop. A split-second later, a rainbow streak shot out of an open window and hit the horizon in record time.
~~~~~
Twilight Sparkle hummed to herself as she opened the double doors to the castle’s lowest balcony. She prefered this one because the sunlight let her read in the afternoon and today’s weather permitted it. A couple of heavy tomes floated along in her aura. Movement drew her eyes just as she stepped outside. “BWAAHH!” Twilight’s aura flickered out and her books came tumbling down in a heap with a dull boom.
“…Ow,” Rainbow Dash groaned, already feeling the lumps forming where the two books had clocked her. She cowered in the corner of the balcony, covering her head with her forelegs, her wings pressed to her sides. “This castle sucks,” she grumbled.
Twilight held a hoof to her chest; her heart felt like it would burst out of her rib cage. “Rainbow Dash, you startled me. What’s going on? Why are you standing…” She looked down at Dash. “…crouching on my balcony?” she asked, correcting herself.
“I couldn’t break through the windows or knock the doors open. Seriously, this castle’s a lot sturdier than the Golden Oaks Library, and that’s saying something, ‘cause the old library was as strong as an oak tree!” Dash sniffed.
Twilight could see Dash sporting two goose eggs on her head. “Oh my gosh, are you alright? Those books were only light reading, but they still must have hurt.”
Dash glanced at the book covers in front of her nose. She could read the titles: Hippopotomonstrosesquipedaliophobia: That Which Cannot be Said and Anatidaephobia: Truth or Quackery? With a quiver running down her spine, Dash asked, “Why are you researching fear?”
“Oh, I don’t know, no rhyme or reason, really. I just decided this morning to read up on them. They’re fascinating,” Twilight said with a sudden grin. “Hey, I’m having trouble pronouncing the title of this book—can you say it for me?”
“Hippopotomonstrosesquipedaliophobia?” Dash replied.
Twilight’s mouth fell open. “Wow, Dash, your reading skills have taken off! Most ponies can’t pronounce that the first time.” Twilight frowned. “Well, I guess you don’t have that one, since you said it.” After a beat, she asked, “You bathe with a rubber ducky, don’t you?”
Dash blushed. “…Yes. Can we go inside now? Please?” Her eyes shifted around, like a prey animal on high alert.
Twilight nodded slowly and mumbled, “I guess you don’t have Anatidaephobia either.” A smile crept across her face when she answered Dash. “Suuure, sure thing! C’mon in. Wouldn’t want you to stay outside, in the big, wide world…” She followed Dash, who darted inside, and closed the doors behind her. “You seem nervous. Afraid of something?”
Dash stood and whirled on her. “What? Afraid? I’m not afraid of anything! What pony gave you that idea?”
Spike hummed to himself as he walked down the corridor, wearing a pink apron and holding a feather duster. He dusted an end table and the vase on top of it, then walked between the two ponies. “Twilight, I’m finished with dusting the first floor, and I’ll be done with the rest of the castle before dinner. Hi, Dash! We weren’t expecting you.”
Dash swept Spike up in hug. “Spike, you wonderful assistant! You dusted everything, even the corners, yeah?”
She nuzzled Spike, squashing his cheek with her affection. He grimaced and endured her bone-crushing hug. “Wait, you flew over here, didn’t you?” Twilight asked.
Dash let go of Spike, setting him down. He rubbed his cheek with annoyance as Dash replied, “Yeah, why?”
“I guess we can cross agoraphobia off the list.” Twilight glanced at the feather duster still in Spike’s grip. “We can cross pteronophobia off the list as well.” She facehoofed. “What was I thinking? You have feathers already… of course, that could make the pteronophobia much worse if—no-no, you don’t have it.”
“Are you tryin’ to psychoanalyse me?” Dash asked. She looked at Twilight with a piercing stare and flat brows.
“Well, you seem nervous, and I always like seeing a real-life example of what I’m studying.” Twilight pursed her lips. “These books talk about ways to help ponies with phobias. We could gently expose you to the thing you’re afraid of, then slowly increase your exposure to—HEY!”
Dash blew a raspberry and flew down the hall. “Forget that!” She flew down the stairwell and disappeared.
“Spike, I think Rainbow Dash needs our help. First, we need to find out what she’s scared of. Start a checklist.”
“Already on it,” Spike replied. “So what are we gonna test for next?”
~~~~~
Dash splayed out on a couch, reading a book about manticore taming in the castle’s main library. Twilight peered around the corner of a shelf, watching. Dash raised her head, looked around the room’s vaulted and newly dusted ceilings, smiled, and returned to her book. “Shhhh, be quiet, Spike. I don’t want her to know we’re here,” Twilight whispered.
“You’re the one who brought the kazoo. Seriously, why do you need—” Twilight cut Spike off by stuffing a hoof into his mouth.
“I want to know if Dash has any phobias. Since she won’t tell me, I’ll have to experiment. First let’s try…” Twilight let her words hang in the air as she turned and gave the back of Dash’s head an evil grin. She aimed her horn, and shot Dash with a burst of magic.
“What gives?!” Dash cried, taking to the air. She spun around in mid-air, searching for her assailant. “Why did you—” Dash stopped. Her voice sounded funny. And something tickled her chest. Blinking, she slowly put her forehooves to her face and felt the full lumberjack beard stretching from her chin to her stomach. “Twilight…” she growled. “Take this junk off, now!”
Twilight lifted the kazoo to her lips, and began to play… badly. It sounded like a cat being forced through a mail slot, tail first. Twilight stopped when Dash flew to her, and with one hoof flipped Twilight tail over teakettle. The kazoo clattered across the floor, while Dash and her magnificent beard towered over the crumpled heap of alicorn. “Seriously, the only way you could’ve made me more of a badflank would be if you gave me stubble. I’m still a mare, though, so take. It. Off!”
Twilight pull herself together, stood, and looked up at Dash. Her ears flattened, and her tail hid between her legs. “Sorry…” she mumbled. Her magic took away Dash’s magnificent, luxurious, flowing, but still inappropriate beard. “I guess I can strike off pogonophobia and melophobia.”
Dash groaned. “You’re not gonna leave me alone, are you? I can’t just stay here in the library and read quietly without my friend poking and prodding me like a lab rat, can I?”
Twilight looked like she was going to say one thing, but changed her mind at the last second. “Are you afraid of rats?”
“NO!” Dash cried, exasperated. “I’m leaving, don’t follow me,” she said, as she took to the air.
“I’m sorry, Rainbow. I’m just so curious. Please don’t leave!” Twilight called as Dash flew out the door. “…So, no murophobia either. Spike, what else is on the list?”
Spike slipped out from behind the bookshelf. “Tons of phobias are left. Are you sure this is a good idea?”
“Of course, how can I be a good friend if I don’t know what my friends are afraid of?”
“So that you can keep whatever they’re afraid of away from them… right?” Spike asked.
“…Right,” Twilight replied, without meeting Spike’s eye.
~~~~~
KA-BOOM!
“Thank you so much, Rainbow Dash!”
“This is the least we kin do for the most awesomest pony ever!”
“And the bravest!” Scootaloo finished, the last remnants of the party cannon’s confetti falling down around the Crusaders. “We didn’t even lick the frosting, I swear!” Sweetie Belle blushed at this, but tried to look innocent.
Dash peered down from the little cloud. “How did you three find me all the way out here?” Dash asked. The cloud floated above a lonely hilltop, far from Ponyville’s center.
“We jus’ followed the signal from th’ subdermal trackin’ device Scootaloo planted on ya last year,” Apple Bloom replied.
Scootaloo blushed furiously and glared at Apple Bloom. “Ix-nay on the alk-tay about-way the ermal-day implant-way!”
The cake stood below her, surrounded by a pair of party cannons, confetti, and the Crusaders themselves. The cake depicted Dash herself, flying with a rainbow trail, moving quickly on account of the speed lines. Or at least, that’s what Dash assumed the picture was supposed to be. It looked more like a rainbow-colored mess. The caption read: ‘Your so brave in flowing script,’ in block letters. Dash flew down to them, alighting in front of her gift. “That’s an… interesting-looking cake,” Dash said with a plastic smile. “Did you make it yourselves?”
“Yeah!” Sweetie Belle replied with a proud demeanor. “We did everything except for writing the caption. We found a discount cake-writing service mare who did it for us.”
“It’s alright,” Dash replied. “I’m just gonna eat it anyway.” Dash smiled and added under her breath, “please-don’t-be-poison, please-don’t-be-poison.” Dash took the offered spoon, carved out a piece and brought it to her mouth. The Crusaders watched her with intensity, eyes wide.
“Seriously, how can a cake-writter mess up so bad?” Sweetie Belle said, scowling at the caption.
“I know!” Scootaloo added.
“It’s you’re, not your!” Sweetie Belle said with a huff.
Dash stuffed the bite into her mouth and chewed. She stopped after a moment, sweating profusely. “It tastes… almost as good as my friend Gilda’s scones,” Dash said around the ‘cake’ in her mouth. She swallowed and pulled her mouth into a painful smile.
“Aww, you’re welcome!” the Crusaders said in unison, pleased with her reaction.
“Ugh! Cross off pedophobia, phonophobia, and obesophobia too, considering the size of this cake and it’s ridiculous sugar content. Seriously, I didn’t know ponies could bake a cake with only flour, eggs and a metric ton of sugar,” said… the cake.
Dash blinked, then stared wide-eyed at the mountain of sugar in front of her. “What the hay?”
Twilight burst out of the cake, splattering frosting everywhere, and saving Dash from further culinary suffering. “What’s next, Spike?”
“Umm, a bath? I’ve got rainbow frosting in places I didn’t know I had,” Spike replied from a blob of frosting. He ran his forked tongue over himself and did a fair job of getting it all. Smacking his lips, he added, “I love the taste of confectioner’s sugar, butter, milk, and nothing else.”
Dash stuck her tongue out with disgust at Spike, but he didn’t notice. Then she gave the Crusaders a level stare. “You’re helping Twilight to experiment on me, aren’t you?”
“Yeah… but we really do want to thank you for saving us!” Sweetie Belle replied.
“I didn’t wanna do it, but she promised us ice cream from Sugarcube Corner,” Scootaloo added.
Dash sighed. “You baked a cake with enough room to hide a full-grown alicorn and a baby dragon just so you could get ice-cream? Why didn’t you just bake yourselves a cake, or make yourselves ice-cream, or make yourselves ice-cream cake?”
“Huh… I don’t know. That seems obvious in retrospect,” Sweetie Belle replied, a hoof touching her lower lip.
“Who cares!? It’s time fer ice-cream!” Apple Bloom shouted. She shot off towards the town center, the other two Crusaders hot on her heels.
“And you!” Dash said, pointing to Twilight. Twilight blinked back, her face covered in bits of cake. “Quit it! I’m not afraid of anything! You’re wasting your time,” Dash sighed. “Why couldn’t you be a hot stallion busting out of my cake instead?”
“So… are you scared of mares bursting out of cakes?” Twilight asked.
“No, I’m not scared of mares bursting out of cakes, I’d just prefer it if stallions—” Dash sputtered. “Why am I answering your dumb questions?! Beat it, Egghead!”
“Hmmm… no homophobia either. Cross that one off the list, Spike.”
“Check!” Spike replied.
“UGGGHHH!” Dash slapped her face with a hoof in frustration. “I’m out of here!”
~~~~~
“Oh Rainbow Dash, it’s so nice of you to volunteer!” Rarity danced on her toes in excitement. “I just can’t find Sweetie Belle anywhere to help me. She seems to make herself scarce when I need a model.”
“I can’t imagine why,” Dash replied, her voice dripping with sarcasm. Dash stood surrounded on three sides by mirrors, all reflecting her and the… ‘clothes’ she wore. The middle of Carousel Boutique bore all the hallmarks of Rarity’s genius, although in this case, perhaps it was madness. “Sweetie Belle’s at Sugarcube Corner. Check there next time you need a model,” Dash said with a sigh.
“Now Dash, if you’re going to hide here, I insist you help me with my work. It’s only fair, wouldn’t you agree?” Rarity asked. She held a wide smile and a few pins in her mouth.
Rainbow Dash sighed again. “Yeah…”
“What are you hiding from anyway?”
“Nothing! I’m not afraid of anything!” Dash snapped back.
“Oh-kay…” Rarity said, eyes wide. She cleared her throat and asked, “Do you like the shoes?” Rarity looked and sounded sincere.
“Is that some kind of joke?” Dash replied, looking down at Rarity from her enhanced height. The shoes in question looked like the smaller cousins of stilts. “And what’s with this harness… thing? Am I supposed to carry around a tray of cider or something?” Dash wore a cream-colored dress with several odd straps in the front over her chest and neck. They formed a sort of makeshift harness, but their purpose eluded her.
Rarity held a hoof to her mouth and let out a laugh. She even snorted once. “Oh… no-no. That harness is my latest creation! I’m trying to put my own spin on some of the newest fashion trends from Prance!” Rarity lit her horn and adjusted the straps on Dash’s back. “Now I’ll climb in and—”
“Wait, what?” Dash asked, eyes wide.
“Now I’ll climb into the harness and I’ll take a look at the mirrors to decide if this is a good fit for my new line.”
Dash paused, her mouth agape for a solid ten seconds. “You want me to carry you like a foal?!”
“Hmm? Oh no, Rainbow Dash. I’ll get into the harness the other way, like the models in Prance.” Rarity adjusted the straps and stepped forward.
Dash took to the air, straps hanging like torn ribbons. “I’m not letting you strap yourself to me! That would be so weird!” Dash smirked. “If you really wanna get face to face with me, you’re gonna have to buy me dinner first,” Dash teased.
Rarity shook her head. “No-no, we won’t face each other. I’ll get into the harness upside down, facing you. I’ll look at the mirrors from between your legs, just lift your tail for me. Now get back down here, this instant,” Rarity insisted.
Rainbow Dash hovered for another moment in shocked silence, then burst into uproarious laughter. “W-wow, Rarity!” Another bout of laughing kept Dash from talking too much. “I never thought you’d prank like Pinkie and me, but this is amazing! Totally original!” She laughed and laughed…
Rarity did not laugh. Rarity glared at Rainbow Dash, anger flashing across her face. “This is not a joke,” she said, punctuating each word. “Now get down here and strap me on.”
Dash fell into another fit of laughter, and onto the platform. She beat her limbs on the floor, tears leaking out of the corners of her eyes. “S-stop, stop it! You’re killing me, Rarity!”
A loud sigh issued from behind Rarity. Twilight stepped out from one of the large mirrors and said, “Welp, we can cross off Vestiphobia, Spectrophobia, and… uh… Haphephobia? I’m not really sure what to call this.” She held up one of the glitzy fashion magazines often found in Carousel Boutique. The cover bore a glamorous photo of a pencil-thin mare wearing… another mare.
At the sight of the magazine, Dash burst into another gale of laughter. “Bwahahahaha.... stop… following… me… Twilight!” she said, between bouts of laughing. “Ha-ha-ha-ha… I… can’t… breathe!”
Rarity took the magazine in her aura, then brought it, and her spectacles, to her face. “Hmm… Looking at it again, this particular fashion trend does seem rather bizarre.”
“I’ll say,” Spike replied, stepping from behind the mirror. He glanced over the checklist in his claws at Dash, turned to Twilight, and asked, “Is there a fear of laughter?”
Twilight brightened. “There is! Spike, cross Geliophobia off the list as well.”
The quill twitched as Spike did as instructed. “What’s next?” he asked.
“I’m outta here!” Dash cried. She flew out the door, leaving Rarity’s prototype dress in a heap and the front door squeaking in the wind.
Rarity harrumphed. “Now where am I going to find a model?”
Spike looked at the magazine cover, then back to Rarity, then to the dress on the floor. “I’ll do it!” he said, with badly contained excitement.
“No time, Spike. We need to finish our experiment. You can hopelessly chase after your unrequited love another time,” Twilight said. Picking up the small dragon in her aura and placing him on her back, she trotted out the door.
“Awww…” Spike’s forlorn voice echoed away from Rarity as he left.
Rarity smiled and blew him a kiss. “See you later, Spikey-wikey!”
~~~~~
“Ahem, I said, please pass the sugar.”
“Huh? Oh, right… right…” Dash replied, as she lifted the sugar in the dainty cup and passed it over the table with a wing. She scanned the room like a rabbit watching for a timberwolf.
Fluttershy shrank in her seat and sipped her tea. “Oh, isn’t this… nice,” she finished softly, sweating profusely. Angel stood on the arm of the couch, glaring at Dash, not looking around the room like a rabbit.
Discord swiped the cup of sugar from Dash, who didn’t notice. He poured a teaspoon of tea into the cup of sugar and gulped it down. “Yes, this is so nice,” he added, biting off each word. He eyed Rainbow Dash. “Tell me again why you’re here?”
Dash returned her gaze to the small group around the table. “Can’t I hang out with my best friend, Fluttershy?”
Fluttershy blushed. “Of course you can,” she said, then turned to Discord. “She’s allowed to do that, and if she doesn’t want to give a reason, we don’t pressure her to tell us… because we’re friends,” she added, her voice finding an edge.
Discord snorted and drummed his claw on the armrest. “Yes, well, fine. I suppose. But next week, I don’t want any uninvited guests to our weekly tea.”
Fluttershy gave Discord a weak smile. “Discord, friendship isn’t some finite resource you need to hog all to yourself. Why don’t we ask Rainbow Dash if she has any funny—”
Thump
“Ah-ha!” Dash cried, pointing at the coat closet near the front door. The thump sounded like something organic hitting something wooden, and now, Dash had an excellent idea where to find Twilight Sparkle. She darted across the room, flung the door open, pointed an accusing hoof inside, and shouted, “Caught you, you little… fish?” Her pointing limb drooped.
A live herring flopped around, splattering water on the floor inside the closet. “Oh my, poor little guy,” Fluttershy gasped. She flew across the room, picked up the fish, and deposited him into the aquarium set along the opposite wall. “How did you manage to get in there?” she asked, looking at the fish in the tank.
“Magic,” Discord replied, without looking. Then he literally drank his teacup with a pinky talon extended. He finished with a satisfied sigh, leaving only the handle. Peering at it, he shrugged and mumbled, “I hate the taste of handles anyway.” With a dismissive flick, he tossed the handle onto the vase sitting on the coffee table. It stuck to the side, as if magnetized.
Dash looked at the aquarium, eyeing the now happy and breathing fish. It swam between a colorful coral formation, and a granite octopus. “Hmmm, that’s a good question. How did you get into the coat closet?”
The fish, lacking sapience, did not reply. Dash and Fluttershy shrugged and returned to their tea. “Now, where were we?” Fluttershy asked. The granite octopus in the tank blinked at them, peering through the water and glass to observe them with a set of lavender eyes, exactly the way rocks don’t.
“You were telling me about how best to share friendship,” Discord replied, his voice flat with irritation. “I must admit I’m not an expert on friendship, but I thought friends didn’t spy on each other.” He crossed his forelimbs and quirked one side of his mouth.
“Oh, yes. You can share…” Fluttershy blinked a few times, resetting her brain. “I’m sorry, what was that about spying?” She looked around, as if the walls had grown eyes.
“Spying—you know, the dishonest, disgusting, slimy act of watching another without their knowledge. Constantly observing their every move, analysing their actions, and collecting data.” Discord’s voice rose with excitement. “Slowly gaining knowledge and power over them until you know them better than they know themselves. Stealing bits of their identity until they’re little more than a puppet dancing on a string for your amusement!” Discord cackled, darkness coalesced around him, and lightning flashed behind him… inside the cottage. Everything returned to normal as abruptly as it changed. “But what would I know about that?” Discord added.
Fluttershy trembled in her seat, teeth chattering. “Th-th-there’s nopony watching us. Is there?” Dash looked around as well, although she looked more alert, and less ‘on-the-verge-of-a-nervous-breakdown.’
“Oh dear, did I put a bug in your ear?” Discord said, looking at Fluttershy with big eyes. “I’m terribly sorry. Would you prefer everypony take part in our tea time?”
“Y-yes?” Fluttershy said, half a question, and half a statement.
Discord sighed. “Might as well,” he said, gripping the handle on the side of the vase in front of him. “Not like we don’t already have an uninvited guest.,” he added under his breath.
“Is Twilight here somewhere?” Dash asked, suddenly rather interested in what Discord had to say.
“Certainly,” Discord replied. “Couldn’t you figure it out based on the combination of transformation and teleportation magic? Do you have a broken thaumaturgic sonar channel or a burnt out sense of chroma-taste? I can still feel the vibration of Twilight’s unique magical signature and the characteristic taste of her purple magic.” He lifted the vase by the little handle, and held it like an oversized teacup.
“I can’t feel magic or taste purple. Seriously, what kind of pony does that?” Dash replied, rolling her eyes.
Discord tilted the vase over the coffee table, pouring out the posy, a generous chunk of dirt, and a bug-sized Twilight Sparkle and Spike. They tumbled out; Spike landed on all fours, but Twilight ended up in a tangle of her own limbs. “You can’t hear a ninth-dimensional thaumaturgic vibration or taste purple?” Discord asked in disbelief. “No wonder you ponies are so uptight, you can’t enjoy the simple pleasures of a ninth-dimensional naked singularity.”
Fluttershy gasped, eyes wide at the revealed spies. Dash pointed an accusing hoof at the tiny Twilight. “You—!” She abruptly turned to Discord, her hoof and ears drooping. “Wait, what’s a ninth dimensional… thingy, got to do with being uptight?”
Discord scoffed. “I’m not even sure I can explain it to you. Your brain just isn’t lined with eyeballs so you can see the existential horror that pervades your every living moment.” He lifted the tray with mini-muffins and scones and offered them to Dash. “Try one with blueberry. I find blueberries are the second best defense against existential horror. Also, they taste better than black pudding.”
“Ohhh, are you afraid our lives are meaningless motes of dust floating in an infinite, uncaring, void of darkness?” Twilight’s tiny voice squeaked from the table at Discord. She stood, dusted herself off, and glanced at Spike. “Is there a phobia for that, or it that just nihilism?”
Spike blew a raspberry. “How the heck should I know? You’re supposed to be the smart one!”
“Awww, you’re even cuter now, Spike,” Fluttershy said, putting her eyes level with the table to look at the miniature dragon. He grinned and blushed.
“WHY ARE YOU TINY?!” Dash shouted, pointing at Twilight.
“Probably because she was afraid Fluttershy would notice she’d turned herself into a granite octopus and hid in the fish tank, so she needed a new hiding place to spy on you. The vase in the middle of the coffee table is the obvious choice,” Discord supplied. He looked down at Twilight, like a giant. “Teleporting the fish into the coat closet was a stroke of genius; I don’t think even I would have thought of that! I’ll bet that herring will cough up the money he owes you!” Discord said with a chuckle.
“Oh, no,” Twilight replied, her voice a tiny squeak. “I tried to teleport out some water so the tank wouldn’t overflow, but I messed up. The fish doesn’t even owe me money.”
“Oh,” Discord said, his brow flat. “In that case, you’re an idiot.” Twilight groaned. With a sigh, Discord snapped his fingers, changing Twilight and Spike to their original sizes. “I can’t have the two of you standing around at that size. You might…” he gulped, “stand on a chessboard,” he finished with a shudder.
“You mean like this one?” Fluttershy said, pointing at her decorative marble chessboard sitting on the end table next to Discord.
“Gyahh!” Discord blew apart, his various limbs scrambling away from the black and white slab of marble. His leg hid in the coat closet. His snake-like tail slithered into a birdhouse, and his head blew up like a balloon and shot to the ceiling. “Why did you point that out?! Now I can see it,” he whined.
“But it’s been there for months. Every time you visit it’s sat next to you on the end table. I thought maybe you’d notice and we could play a game of chess,” Fluttershy said. Her ears flattened, and she added, “I guess that’s not going to happen.”
“No… no… NO!” Discord said, eyes growing wider, staring at the chessboard. “I need blueberries!”
Twilight’s mouth slowly opened. Her smile and eyes grew wider. Her pupils dilated, and anypony could clearly see the sparkle in them. She looked on the verge of bliss. “You’re afraid of chess boards! Amazing! Um…” Twilight suddenly looked less happy, and more pensive. “...Why?”
Discord’s balloon head shuddered. “All that order! I can’t stand it, please take it away!”
Dash pumped a hoof and mouthed, “YES!” In a flash, she grabbed Discord’s various limbs and parts. She tossed them in a pile, and used Discord’s tail to tie everything together to prevent him from flying apart again. With a snap, she pulled the end of the tail into a knot and said, “Here ya go, Egghead. One crazy phobia all for you.”
Twilight lit her horn, paper, quills, and an inkwell floating around her head as she approached Discord. Her smile threatened to split her face. “You’re afraid of chessboards! What a find,” she said breathlessly. “That’s… that’s…” her smile vanished. She put a hoof to her lip. “Wait a minute… there’s no phobia for chessboards.”
She looked up to find Discord, reassembled, lying on a couch with a spotlight on his face. “My fear of black and white squares all started with my mother…” he began.
Twilight furiously scribbled notes, while Spike yawned and idly grabbed a blueberry scone. He bit into it and said, “Hey, he’s right! I don’t feel any existential horror at the prospect of outliving all my pony friends and living alone, or the nigh impossibility of finding a romantic mate in a quadruped dominated society!”
The front door closed, unnoticed by the those left in Fluttershy’s cottage. “Please don’t leave, Rainbow Dash,” Fluttershy said. She stood on her porch, looking up at Dash, who hovered over her house. “You’re the bravest pony I know, but it’s okay if you’re afraid of something. I’m… afraid of a few things, you know. So… I know what it’s like to feel afraid all the time.” She looked down at her own hooves. “It makes me feel better when another pony faces my fears with me. I’d like it if you told me what scares you,” she looked up at Dash and added in a meek voice, “if that’s okay with you.”
Dash slowly turned in the air, blinking away tears. She drew close to Fluttershy and whispered, “You promise not to tell anypony?”
“I promise. Cross my heart, hope to fly, stick a cupcake in my eye,” Fluttershy intoned with total seriousness.
Dash’s lower lip quivered. Sniffing, she said, “I guess it’s time to go home and face the music anyway. It’s getting late.”
Fluttershy gave a her a little smile. “You don’t have Ichthyophobia, Ataxophobia, or…” a shiver ran through Fluttershy, “...Scopophobia. I thought you weren’t afraid of anything.”
“Wait, we could burn my house down,” Dash suggested, as if suggesting a lunch entree.
Fluttershy put a hoof on her friend’s shoulder. “Let's face your fear together, before we try to burn down a house made of water vapor, okay?”
Dash sniffed, and successfully kept herself from crying. “…Okay,” she replied in a quivering voice.
~~~~~
“So, how do you know about phobias anyway?” Dash asked.
“Well, this might surprise you, but I have a phobia. Phobias, actually. I’m scared of… things,” Fluttershy finished, her eyes darting left and right. She relaxed and put a wing around Dash. “Nothing helped me face my fear more than another pony standing by my side.” She paused for a moment. “Unless you have equinophobia, then I don’t know what to do with you,” she added with a giggle.
“Is there a cure for each phobia?” Dash asked, hopeful.
Fluttershy shook her head. “No, specific phobias can only be cured by facing what you fear, a little at a time, until you don’t fear it anymore.”
Dash’s ears fell. “So, there’s no magic spell, or words you could say to cure a phobia?”
Fluttershy looked ready to cry in sympathy. “I’m afraid not. Even a princess can’t cure a phobia. Unicorns have tried, but the best they can do is cast an illusion to hide the thing you’re afraid of. It takes a while to cure yourself, but I did it.”
Dash’s ears perked up. “You beat a phobia? You?” She leaned away and looked at Fluttershy, incredulous.
“Oh, yes. I had to face my fears and read all about them.”
Dash blinked. “Wait, what phobia did you have?”
“Phobophobia.”
Dash’s brow went flat. “…Seriously?”
Fluttershy looked at Dash, irritated. “Yes, seriously. It’s a serious condition, and it’s horrible. I used to be afraid of being afraid. It’s vicious cycle of fear that can debilitate a pony for hours. It’s no way to live a life, believe me. I know all about fear, and the tactics ponies use to avoid the things they’re afraid of, because I’ve used them myself.”
“Really? Like what?” Dash asked.
Fluttershy sighed. “Like delaying a situation where you might encounter the thing you’re afraid of. We’ve stood here on your porch for twenty minutes talking. It’s time to open the door, Rainbow Dash.” The two stood in front of Dash’s door, the sun sinking behind the horizon. Her house looked exactly as it always did: white, fluffy, and in defiance of local gravity. In short, a normal cloud home, for an awesome pegasus.
“Oh, r-r-right,” Dash stuttered. She pulled out her house key and tried to put it into the lock. Her shaking just caused her to poke around the keyhole several times. At this rate, she’d sleep on her welcome mat.
“It’s alright,” Fluttershy said, warmth in her voice. “We’ll do this together.” She held the key as well, keeping it steady. She managed to guide the key into the lock, despite Dash’s shivering. “Nopony is watching, let's get inside before that changes.”
The realization somepony might catch her visibly afraid spurred Dash inside once the door opened. Fluttershy followed close behind and found the lights still on. Dash looked around in every direction, her entire body shaking. She checked behind the door, then slammed it closed and put her back to it. “I f-f-feel like m-m-my skin is c-c-crawling!”
Fluttershy turned around and put both wings around Dash. “There, there. There’s nothing scary in here.” Dash seemed to feel a bit better while covered by Fluttershy’s wings. “Tell me where it is, if that’s okay with you.”
“Where what is?” Dash asked.
“IT,” she replied, with emphasis.
Dash pointed a shaky hoof down the hall. “M-m-my room.”
Fluttershy nodded. Together, they walked down the hallway, Dash still hiding underwing. They reached her door, then Fluttershy nosed it open. It creaked slowly on its hinges, revealing a dark room with only a yellow rectangle of light from the open doorway.
clink!
Both ponies jumped at the sound. An empty cider bottle rolled out of the darkness and stopped at their hooves. “Goodness, that startled me. It’s dark in here, isn’t it?”
Dash looked ready to cry. “I-I-I c-c-can’t turn on th-th-the light!” A tear fell. “I just can’t put a hoof into my room.”
Before Dash could say more, Fluttershy shushed her. “It’s okay. I’ll be brave enough for both of us.” She reached into the room and flicked the light switch.
Dash yelped and cowered behind Fluttershy. “There! It’s still there!” She pointed to the opposite wall in her room, over her bed.
Fluttershy peered inside. A cloud bed stretched along the opposite wall. An armoire stood near the door to her right, and a trophy case in the corner to her left. A couple of empty cider bottles and bits of dirty clothing decorated the floor. A book lay face open on the unmade bed. “Uhhhmmm… I don’t see anything,” Fluttershy said.
“There! On the wall above my bed, next to the window. That monster hasn’t moved!” Dash cried.
Fluttershy stepped into the room and took wing, just to get a little extra height. She studied the wall for moment. “I don’t see—wait!” She interrupted herself. Dash jumped, her entire body leaning back. “I think I see something, it’s pretty small…”
“Don’t fly away, don’t fly away, don’t fly away…” Dash repeated to herself, squeezing her eyes shut. Her entire body shook and she nearly hyperventilated.
“Oh, Rainbow Dash, he’s adorable!” Fluttershy exclaimed. “How did he get in here? I didn’t think maratus personatus were native to Ponyville.”
“He…?” Dash opened one eye, then both her eyes shot wide open. “You’re holding it! Why are you holding it?!” she screamed.
Fluttershy held one forelimb in front of her face, her eyes focused, as if trying to examine a chip in her hoof. “Well, this isn’t one of my phobias. I have a habitat for him; I’ll take him away if you want.”
“Yes, please!” Dash nodded like a bobblehead.
Fluttershy flew out of the room like a butterfly, as if she had all the time in the world. Dash treated her like she was radioactive. As she approached the front door, Fluttershy looked over her shoulder and asked, “Do you want to get over this phobia? I can introduce you to several of my ‘friends.’ We can start small.” She glanced at her outstretched hoof. “Although, not much smaller than this.”
“Oh-oh-okay,” Dash said with a gulp. “But not tonight.”
Fluttershy giggled. “You’re a master at delaying, Dash, but I won’t push you. I can show off my collection another day.” She turned back to the front door. Peering at her hoof again, she smiled and said, “Oh, I’m just so excited. You wouldn’t mind showing me your dance moves, would you?”
“What?!” Dash’s eyes grew as big as saucers.
“Oh, look, he’s so cute!” Fluttershy turned and held out her hoof. Dash acted as if Fluttershy held molten plutonium. “He’s dancing!”
A tiny spider shuffled around Fluttershy’s hoof. A striking specimen in blue, white, and black, he stuck a pair of legs in the air and did a sort of jig, as if cheering in a stadium. The standard Equestrian bit could crush him. If he curled his legs in and balled up, he might be mistaken for a particularly large period on a sheet of paper.
“Please don’t tell anypony,” Dash whispered, her voice high and raspy.
“Oh, don’t worry, I won’t tell a soul you have arachnophobia. Not even Twilight. Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to put our dancing friend away in his new home. I suppose I should find out what name Twilight gave to Discord’s phobia, too. I’ll need to find out what to call it when I try and help him. I wouldn’t want anypony to face their fears alone.” Fluttershy giggled. “Even ones as cute as this!” she said, nuzzling the tiny creature.
Dash stuck her tongue out and made a face. “I will never nuzzle a spider,” she whispered under her breath.
fin
