Cheerilee looked happily out the window, observing the unending rain. Ponyville had so many sunny days that it was easy for its inhabitants to take them for granted, to crave nothing less than a rainy day, and so far, this was what they were going to be having all weekend. She felt that the day would be perfected when the class would almost certainly pleasantly surprise her, because today was Daddy's Day, and she felt that perhaps the upcoming presentations would be pleasant, perhaps even cathartic, to her. She had planned and prepared for everything, making the schoolhouse much shinier than usual, and even taking the trouble to prepare a snack table to make the fathers feel more welcome. It was funny how the time could fly, it felt like forever since she began to cheerfully watch the rain pattering on the window, but almost suddenly to her, she could hear the bell. It was a bell that hung right over the doorway so it would ding whenever somepony came in to the schoolhouse.
The first to come to class was Apple Bloom. Apple Bloom was always a diligent student, always coming to class on time. Coming with her was none other than Big McIntoch, her older brother, and Cheerilee's coltfriend. Cheerilee couldn't help but smile sweetly at his presence. She was followed shortly after by Diamond Tiara and Filthy Rich, not a surprise at all, wearing one of his usual red ties with a golden bit symbol printed on it. Then came Sweetie Belle and her father, Hondo Flanks, wearing one of his usual loudly colored shits, a mess of brightly colored flowers over an over-elaborate pattern. Cheerilee couldn't help but wonder if his mustache was fake.
They were followed by Silver Spoon and a silver stallion she never seen before. He had a tall mane-do, wore a maroon ruffle in his pronounced collar, and wore a pair of violet sunglasses. His ears were unusually long for a pony, and she wondered if perhaps he had some donkey blood running in his veins, for in spite of the misconception that all hybrids are infertile, there was always the small chance that hybrids, particularly hinnies, could reproduce.
After them came Scootaloo and a Przewalski's horse whom Cheerilee had also never seen before. As a Przewalski's horse, his height was a match for that of Princess Luna and Shining Armor, his eyes were pitch-black and shiny, his mane was cropped short, and he wore a dark longcoat with unusually large lapels for a stallion's coat. He also had wings, indicating that he was a Khiimori, a Przewalski's Pegasus. More and more foals had followed, all bringing their fathers to school, most of whom Cheerilee had never even met.
Then there was Pipsqueak, and his father, who looked almost identical, and both looked absolutely filthy.
Cheerilee was delighted! So many new ponies to meet! So much to look forward to! Beaming on her class, she said: "I can see you all brought something for Daddy's Day! So I would like you to start right away! Who will be the first to start?"
"ME!!" they all shouted in unison.
Cheerilee laughed sweetly, and said, "oh dear, so many good choices." Cheerilee already suspected that this would be the case, and prepared accordingly. "I suppose we know what we must do now, don't we?" The foals all cheered, because it was time for the hat. Whenever they had a hard time making a decision, Cheerilee would get a top hat filled with little pieces of paper with their names in it. Cheerilee got her hoof to scoop out the first name on the list: "...Snails." Even Cheerilee couldn't take much joy from that name.
Snails, however, cheerfully walked to Cheerilee's desk, ready to give his presentation to the class. Then a seemingly crippled stallion confined to a wheelchair rolled from the corner. He looked much like Snails, but he was bespectacled, and his head was limp to one side. Snails smiled stupidly and gestured towards his father: "This is my dad, Squids. He does smart science stuff!"
Then from a device attached to his body and mounted on his wheelchair, a digital voice began to speak: "Hello, I am Dr. Squids. This is my son, Snails, my wife and his mother is Lady Percilla Percy, and I am an astrophysicist."
Apple Bloom raised her hoof. Dr. Squids observed this and inquired, "did you have a question?"
"Well, yeah!" Scootaloo responded, "what does an astrofisical- astro-"
"What does an Astrophysicist do?" cut in Squids, trying to be helpful, "I study celestial bodies and devise theories based on my observations of them as well as established physics. Our Princesses may be able to manipulate their positions, but they did not create them. Their beginnings and their endings are still largely unknown to us, but I may be able to have some answers. For example, in theory, after comparing and contrasting our own sun with numerous other celestial bodies, I have concluded that our sun is essentially a main sequence star, a smaller star that undergoes nuclear fusion to convert hydrogen into helium, thus sustaining itself and generating massive amounts of energy, and as such the most likely fate of our own sun will be that as it fuses larger and larger elements, it will turn into a red giant, and as it expands, it will gradually devour the planets in our sky, including Equus itself. Luckily, Ponykind will probably not be around for that to happen, because it will probably destroy itself with our increasingly advanced warfare first."
"But friendship is magic!" Sweetie Belle squealed in protest.
"Yes, and so are most of our current weapons of mass destruction" the digital voice replied. "Why our Beloved Princess trusted one of the most dangerous six-fold weapons to six fillies barely in adulthood is beyond me, except perhaps to maintain her remaining sanity, as continuous exposure to the arcane force that the Elements of Harmony radiate can induce psychosis on their wielders, which is most probably what happened to Princess Moonbutt."
A chill seemed to have overtaken the room. It was a potent chill that one would never dare disturb. This chill was growing, like a cancerous silence, overtaking and defeating all thoughts of opposition, except from one brave filly, determined to change the subject; shyly, Apple Bloom raised her hoof.
Squids turned toward her. "Yes?"
Apple Bloom tapped her chin to think for a moment, looking for the right words. "Didn't you say the other stars move?"
"Correct."
"And our sun is a star, right?"
"True."
"Sooo...." Apple Bloom again, paused in thought and to search for the correct words, "does that mean that each star has another Equus with its own Princess Celestia on it?"
Squids seemed to be genuinely impressed by this, though it could only be expressed through his words: "That is a remarkably good question. Does each star have a planet with intelligent life on it, making the stars move? That is still being debated today. Initially, this was the mainstream belief, that all stars move because all stars have intelligent life that has laid claim them, but after observing them through mobile telescopes, it seems to be at this point, a very far-fetched thing to believe. As it turns out, not every star is attached to a planet that can support life. In response to this, the two main claims are that either an advanced civilization has already laid claim to the unattached stars, or that as all matter is essentially inclined to move, and so stars and planets alike are by no means an exception when left to their own devices, and what's more is that when faced with larger objects, they will be drawn to them. All matter has its own gravity, and the larger the object, the more gravity it has, and will draw smaller objects to it. When drawn to a larger object, the smaller ones will move in predictable, circular orbits."
Scootaloo cut in: "Yeah, Rainbow Dash is smaller than my dad, but she tends to fly in circular orbits around him!"
There was yet another pause. Through his machine, Squids stated "no, that is different." Squids' face was immobile, and his voice artificial, but somehow, it was not hard to imagine some measure of annoyance. "My book explains this phenomenon better than I can in any words. Have any of you read my book?"
The Przewalski's horse shyly raised his hoof, but that wasn't enough for Dr. Squids. "Did you buy it or borrow it from a library?" Squids interrogated.
"I got it from the library." the Przewalski's horse confessed.
"You cheap bastard."
"Okaaayyyy, heheheheheheh" Cheerilee began, trying to keep the situation under control, "well I think we should move on to the next-" But Diamond raised her hoof, and Squids wasn't one to ignore a question.
"Yes?" Squids inquired.
"If you're so smart, why is Snails so dumb?" Diamond asked plaintively.
"Diamond!" Cheerilee cut in sharply.
Dr. Squids seemed unfazed, and his artificial voice answered her question without offense: "Unfortunately, from both genetic and environmental factors, most expressions of intelligence are derived from the mother."
The room gained a most tense silence, seemingly devouring the room in a most destructive fashion.
It was broken yet again.
"Oh-ho-ho-ho, well, okaaaay, that was a...thoughtful, presentation, Mister- sorry, Dr. Squids." Cheerilee was desparately trying to keep everything together. "So, who is going to be next?" She scooped another name with her hoof. "Snips."
Snips cheerfully trotted up to Cheerilee's desk, and a similarly-colored stallion, but an Earth pony, trotted rather miserably to the same desk. Snips began his presentation: "This is my Dad, Teddy! And he is just like Snips' dad, because he talks about celebrity bodies too!"
"Celestial bodies" Teddy corrected.
"Does he lecture in big Universities like Dr. Squids?" Cheerilee asked sweetly.
Snips had no end to his enthusiasm. "No, better! He talks about them almost every day in a museum!"
Teddy nodded and confessed sadly, "I'm basically a long-term, paid docent in the planetarium, while all the younger guys who volunteer for free stay for a summer break and move on to other things, never to return. Snips thinks my job is cool though."
"Aw, don't be so hard on yourself, Dad!" Snips said, trying to make him feel better. Teddy shook his head and went on: "My wife is the real breadwinner, she's the director of Equine Resources of the local Railway company. But if you kids have some questions about stars and planets, please ask me anything that can be answered on a grade-school level. I would like to say I set up that limit for your benefit, but the real reason is because I don't know any more about celestial bodies than the average stallion."
Snails stared with a blank stupidity that only a member of the House of Percy could manage, and he asked this question: "Can you tell me what a black hole is, but in an easier way than my dad would say it? I forget."
Teddy sighed heavily, and explained in a flat voice that strongly indicated depression. "Well, a black hole is a powerful mass that grabs all things in its range into a seemingly eternal orbit, but with each passing millennium, anything caught in the black hole's orbit will slide closer and closer to it, until it finally sucks them in and crushes them, with no hope of escape. With that in mind, my career would be the best example of one."
The silvery stallion asked "may I ask you about Uranus?"
For a while, Teddy's face contorted in utter horror and disgust, but then it suddenly changed to a defeated resolve, "well, it's not like I have any dignity left," and with that, he lifted his tail. Cheerilee had to intervene to prevent this story from becoming M-rated: "Nonononononono! He was asking about the planet Uranus! Not your...you know..."
"Oh..." Teddy said in a most emotionally flat manner. "Oh well."
Apple Bloom raised a hoof. "Yes?" Teddy asked glumly.
"How do I not end up like you?" Apple Bloom was always genuinely worried about her future, and Teddy wasn't helping much.
"Apple Bloom!" Cheerilee scolded.
However, Teddy was utterly unfazed. "Well, I would recommend staying in school-"
"No! Don't stay in school!"
They all turned to face another pony. He was Doosh Dolots, the father of Liza Doolots, standing in the back of the the schoolhouse. He was a lean Earth Pony with a slicked mane. "Oh sure, I stayed in school long enough to learn the ropes, but the more and more I kept going, the more and more it held me back! Do you want to know why? They weren't teaching me how to survive or feeding me, they were basically giving me long, drawn-out sensitivity courses! It was fucking useless!! What's more, it was costing me! My family could barely afford to pay for my fucking lunches and my fucking supplies!! You know what they did for a living? They ran a fucking flower shop!"
"Calm down Mr. Doolots-"
"No, I'm not calming down until they learn the truth! The richest one percent of this country owns half of our country's wealth. That's twenty trillion bits. Did they really get it from staying in school? No, because school is ran by such insufferable Mercantilists that they think that free market for oneself and one's fellow ponykind, rather than for Princess and Country, is evil. They teach you to view independent businesses with no ties to Equestria's parliament as greed, and as such, they never even bother to try, leaving a huge vacuum for those who drop out to fill in. This vacuum is filled by the daring, those whom they brand as evil, as greedy. By those who no longer buy into their lies, by those who now see that we can't look at other ponies and say, 'nopony should have this much', but instead have learned that instead, everypony should have this much. Don't listen to the Mercantilists kids, they are only holding you back! Greed, for lack of a better word, is good, greed works. Greed is magic."
Snips wasn't going to let this stallion put his father down! "My dad says being greedy is bad-"
"Your dad wouldn't know how to pour piss out of a boot if the instructions were written on the heel!" Doosh's sudden snap surprised Snips so much, his mouth hung open and tears welled up in his eyes.
However, Teddy lacked his son's fighting spirit. He sighed and explained in his flat, depressed voice, "sadly, this is true. I tried to pour piss out of a boot once. It didn't end well."
Doosh then gestured towards the window towards a very dingy apartment building. "see that building over there? First place I ever bought. Flipped it, and made 2,400,000 bits! It was better than sex!!"
Apple Bloom smiled brightly! "I wanna make over two million bits too!"
"Mm, yeah!" Sweetie Belle chimed in agreement.
"Then quit school and start working and selling shit! The Equestrian education system is holding you back. It doesn't exist to teach you the sciences, it exists to brainwash you into believing the agenda of whatever mainstream political party controls the region. Why hasn't Equestria transferred out of the schoolhouse system yet? Why is homeschooling becoming illegal in so many parts of Equestria? Because they don't want risk the mere possibility of the parents teaching you any different than what they want you to think. Do you really think Cheerilee is really teaching you anything useful? Look at the inside of one of these books she gives you - look at it! Nothing but propaganda and sensitivity-course material! Public school does not exist to make you smart, it exists to make you stupid! You're all sheep being brainwashed by the system!!"
"Sit down Mr. Doolots!" Cheerilee was getting very stern with him now.
"See what she's doing? She's lulling you into thinking that there is no other way but the way Parliament tells you! Parliament is trying to keep civilians from having their power!!"
"SIT. DOWN."
Sulkily, Doosh sat down. Cheerilee huffed heavily. "Well, I guess that concludes Liza's presentation."
"But I didn't get to speak!" Liza protested tearfully.
"It's okay kiddo, Daddy spoke for you!" Doosh said softly.
Cheerilee got a new name from the hat: "Archer."
Archer trotted to the front of the room: "Hi, my name is Archer! And my daddy can't be here today?"
"Aw, too busy?" Cheerilee asked.
"Nah, too incarcerated!"
Cheerilee's eyes went wide. "Oh Archer, I'm so sorry-"
"Naw, it's okay!" she chirruped happily. "My dad is a badass! He got imprisoned for unlicensed mercenary work!"
Sweetie Belle took a moment to think about those implications. "You mean your dad illegally kills people for money?"
"Sure does! That's why Diamond Tiara doesn't fuck with me!" she added smugly.
Cheerilee huffed: "Okay, that's enough Archer-"
"Piss off, lawmaker, when my daddy gets out, we're going to get even with everypony who stood in our way!" She then took a moment to scan her entire class, and added with a touch of menace, "everypony."
Twist, short for Twisty Turner, hopped happily in front of the desk: "Hi, my name is Twitht!"
"Hey Twist" the class said in glum unison. From the back - nopony could identify who - somepony shouted "shoot yourself!"
Twist just smiled brightly, trying to make things feel better. "Thith ith my dad!" And with that, a short, white sort of a character had hopped next to Twist, and waved to the class.
"Angel Bunny is your father?" Sweetie Belle squealed in shock.
Twist nodded, "after my mom got Freeshooter to kill my dad, Angel Bunny stepped up to the plate. It's an inter-species relationship."
"BUT THAT'S AN ABOMINATION TO TAU SUNFLARE'S CREATION!!!" Apple Bloom shrieked.
"Wait, your mother had your father assassinated?" Cheerilee was shocked, but Twist completely ignored her.
"For your information, he'th a thentient and rational being," Twist began in a dignified tone, "and ith more than qualified to be a thuitable partner to my mother, and a thuitable daddy to me."
Cheerilee tried to explain this nicely: "I'm sorry Twist, but he's a rabbit."
"Is he a good daddy?" Archer asked nicely.
"Well, he beatth Mom a lot..." Twist began, but then she turned and saw Angel giving her a hard stare.
"...Um, to the door, tho he can open it for her?" she finshed with uncertainty.
Angel nodded in approval.
Cheerilee wasn't sure about this. "Well, we should move on to the next daddy!"
Twist lowered her head sadly and trudged away to her desk. "Rathitht," she muttered to herself, while Angel proceeded to kick Cheerilee in the shins.
Pipsqueak wasn't even called upon, but he hopped on the table and smiled happily.
"My name is Baldrick sir, and so is my daddy's! Well, he might be my daddy, we're not sure. Mommy was a hooker, see? But anyway, me and my maybe-dad? We have the same name!"
Cheerilee was surprised by this impromtu presentation: "Um...yes. What's your first name?"
"I'm not sure, I think it may be Sodoff."
"Sodov?"
"Yeah, 'cos when my dad was in school, they'd always tell him 'sod off pipsqueak!' So I'm named 'Sodoff Pipsqueak Baldrick' after me dad, but I'm called Pipsqueak to help ponies tell us apart!"
Baldrick the elder, who had been silent this whole time, simply smiled and nodded, saying "that's my boy!"
Cheerilee cocked a skeptical eyebrow at Baldrick. "And what do you do for a living?"
Baldrick the Elder paused in deep thought. "Well, I think I'm Blackadder's dogsbody, and I think my daddy was a nun."
Cheerilee shook her head: "Baldrick, this isn't about your father, just- wait, did you say a nun?"
"Sure did!" Baldrick smiled cheerfully.
Cheerilee pointed towards him, trying to make sense of this: "But Baldrick your father couldn't be a nun!"
"He was too a nun! I know 'cos whenever the bailiff asked what his job was, and he'd always say 'none'!"
She then drew a new name from the hat: "Button Mash."
"Hi, my name is Button Mash, and my dad is Bon-Bon! However, Bon-Bon said I don't have a dad, just two moms, so she wouldn't come-"
Cheerilee cut him off: "Now Button, we talked about this, you can have two mommies-"
Button happily shook his head: "Nuh-uh! You need a mommy and a daddy to make a foal! And that's me!"
Cheerilee wasn't sure how to explain this to him. "But Button, you can be brought up by two mommies-"
"You need a mommy and a daddy to make a baby, right?"
Cheerilee was caught off-guard. "Well, yes, but-"
Button mash folded his forlimbs in all smugness: "Then she's my dad!"
"I think you had a daddy who left you for another mommy, and your mommy got you yet another mommy, and that other mommy was okay with it because she got kicked out of the house by yet another mommy who got tired of that mommy hiding so many things from her."
"I'm sooooooooo confuuuuuuuuuuuuused!" Button exclaimed, dramatically holding his head in mental agony.
"Um...maybe you should talk about it with your mommy at home" Cheerilee then proceded to scoop another name from the hat. "Let's see...Silver Spoon!"
Silver Spoon trotted towards the desk, and hopped on Cheerilee's chair, raising her hoof for the sake of dramatic flair: Friends, Equestrians, Countrymares! Lend me your ears! I have come here to bury Diamond, not to praise her!!" Most of the foals cheered at this, except for Diamond Tiara, who looked sick to her stomach, Sweetie Belle, who had a mature sense of empathy, and Button Mash, who wasn't paying attention in the first place.
Cheerilee simply rolled her eyes. "Silver, just talk about your father please.
Annoyed, Silver nodded. "'Kay. Well, this is my dad, Hoity-Toity, and he's gay for a living!"
"Silver!" Cheerilee spat out, but Hoity raised a hoof to discourage the scolding.
"It's alright, it's a joke at home!" Hoity chuckled. "Anyway, I'm bi. To the next subject, I have a rather decent line of clothes if I do say so myself, and I certainly have made sure most fashion artisans are superior to my own! After all, I have very high standards, and these must be applied to the world of fashion."
"No shit!" Silver exclaimed proudly. "Dad and mom had a really ugly divorce, so they were both competing to buy the best presents to win me over! Naturally, he won. Better taste."
Cheerilee's eyes went wide, and then she tried to think of something to say about this: "Aaaaaalright. Let's move on to the next name, shall we? Diamond Tiara!"
Diamond Tiara gulped nervously; she had the whole presentation prepared, a whole list of things to say, all designed to thoroughly impress her classmates. "Okay...this is my dad, he-"
"STOP RIGHT THERE!!"
She turned and saw her mother, Spoiled Rich, right at the doorway. Her eyes were in furious flames as she gazed upon her daughter and Filthy Rich.
"Diamond Tiara", she began, "this is your father." She had dragged a purely white Earth Pony stallion with her, and he looked frightened. "His name is Double Diamond. He is your real father. I conceived you with him when we got squiffy, but he disappeared for years before he ever came back. But how the Hell was I supposed to know that he was trapped by some nutty cultist?? Anyway, when I was pregnant, I needed support, and my parents introduced me to Filthy Rich and made me marry him! I thought he was so enthusiastic about us because he loved me, but noooo, he was after you!! That is why Filthy Rich comes to your room at night" Filthy Rich suddenly looked cornered and defeated, but his wife went on, "oh yeah, I know about that, Mister!!" And with that, she stormed away, dislocating the door in the process. Diamond Tiara could only look away from her classmates, unable to face them.
"Oh dear, Diamond..." Cheerilee was trying to be sympathetic, but she was not sure what to say. "Well, maybe I should just draw another name from the hat." Filthy Rich was also about to get close to Diamond, but Cheerilee swatted him away.
Diamond Tiara just nodded: "Okay."
"Okay...Sunny Daze...and be sure to bring your sister Peachy Pie!"
They got up and sighed, which was strange, because the whole class was used to them working well together. But then they saw their father; he was a tall Earth Pony stallion with a height that could match the Przewalski's horse, and a pale grey coat with berries for a Cutie Mark. His face was stained with globs of jelly.
He was Hughbert Jellius.
"Hi," Sunny Daze sighed. "This is our dad."
"He's nuts," added Peachy Pie.
However, Hughbert looked disapprovingly at them for their remarks. "Neigh, I am but more enlightened than the rest! Swallow the red pill, or shall I say, the red jelly, and listen to the truth!"
"Oh joy," Peachy sighed, "here it comes..."
"When I was a little foal, I went to a fair, there were all kinds of competitions, prizes to be had! But the thing that caught my attention was a sign that said, 'Eat the Most Jelly and Win a Prize!' I naturally participated, and it was then that I found my calling! I won third place, but that was still pretty good, and my Cutie Mark was gained that day: Berries. They represented the jelly that I was to become a part of! At first it was a challenge, oh such a coy tease she was, the jelly, but then...as I really got to know her, when I truly, finally, understood her, I saw that there was so much more... Jelly! She was a passion! A love! A lifestyle! It meant something so much deeper!! Everything you ever needed, Jelly had to offer! See how much taller and beautiful-er I am than most stallions? It's the jelly, my little ponies."
"Well," Cheerilee said, trying to be polite, "that's very interesting-"
"Oh, it's beyond interesting! Did you know that all life began in a jelly? It's the very life-force of all living things! It surrounds us, and binds us, and penetrates us...mmmmmmmmm..." his face twisted into a euphoric smile, "...and binds Equestria together!! We are all the Jelly's children! Peachy Pie and Sunny Daze are actually the children of the Jelly! I and Sunnyside are mere Jelly-Mates, having fathered and mothered them together in the stead of the jelly, and raised them under the jelly's name!!"
Sunny Daze began to try to reason with her father. "Dad..."
"I am not your real father, merely the paternal representative of the jelly! And now I have an opportunity to tell all of your fillies the truth, a truth I discovered from a long meditation fully submerged in jelly, in her soft, cooling embrace....
....There is no God."
Most of the foals made faces as though he had publicly regurgitated and then said he wrote a fanfiction about it. "You're insane!" Sweetie Belle squealed.
Indeed, Equestria was a place in which gods regularly exerted their power over the mortal denizens all the time, from Discord the Harbinger of Chaos, to Princess Celestia, the Mistress of the Sun (but don't tell Mrs. Sun about the affair between Celestia and Mr. Sun, or it will make her very upset and things very complicated for Equestrians everywhere). Indeed, provable deities were so commonplace in Equestria that Atheists there were regarded the same way that Scientologists are regarded among our own.
Squids was the first to point this out: "Gods are real beings among us, Discord demonstrated his absolute power over Chaos numerous times, mastering Entropy and proving himself to be immortal. Princess Celestia and Princess Luna may only be part-goddess, but they still have tremendously long lifespans and can individually manipulate multiple celestial bodies. To deny the existence of the gods and their kin is similar to denying gravity and evolution."
Hughbert scoffed at this: "Sir, you are among the sheeple and should take the red pill! They're all illusions derived from carefully mastered performances, and because they too discovered the miracle of the all-jelly diet and have gained the powers that come with it!"
"Speaking of which," Squids continued, "it sounds as if you spend so little time submerged in jelly and so little time actually breathing, that I suspect that you are cutting off some circulation to your head."
Cheerilee had to clean this up, fast. "Well, time to move on! Let's see, Sweetie Belle!"
Sweetie Belle smiled brightly at her fellow classmates. "Hi! My dad is a professional hoofball player!
Apple Bloom was surprised. "Really? I've never heard of him!"
"Well, turns out, it's really easy! You just make stuff up and jot it down on paper!"
Cheerilee cocked up a skeptical eyebrow: "Wait, you're saying...he plays fantasy hoofball? He does of fantasy hoofball?"
Aura just shook her head and made a suppressed "snirking" giggle. "Fantasy hoofball is just Dungeons and Dragons for jocks!"
Cheerilee shushed her, and then proceeded to talk to Hondo: "Mr. Flanks, what do you do for a living?"
He rubbed the back of his head. "Ah, I'm in marketing-"
Hoity scoffed: "That would explain your atrocious taste!"
Cheerilee raised her voice: "Mr. Toity!"
Sweetie Belle just looked confused. "Well, I don't know what you're talking about, but I do know that every night, my dad gets a great big bottle of scotch, eats twenty or thirty of those biscuits with the little pink icing in the center, and then he collapses on the floor and screams for his insulin, and mommy goes and buries it in the back yard!" she finished with a squeaky voice.
"Well, time for a change of subject! Our next student is..." Cheerilee now scooped another piece of paper from the hat, "Aura!"
Aura and her Auful both sauntered to the desk, ready for a presentation, and Liza had no shortage of enthusiasm:
"My daddy plays piano in a whore-house!"
Auful tried to explain very nicely to his little girl: "Sweetie, I'm a lawyer-"
"That's what I said! You play piano in a whore-house! And the whole court dances to your tunes!"
All of the students were laughing at this point, except for Scootaloo, who knew little about sex.
Auful had to keep face to preserve his image: "Well, yes, but I'm a very respectable lawyer too-"
"Tell that to the ponies who get angry at you over parking spaces!" She then hopped closer to her classmates: "My dad, he takes up two parking spaces at once! He parks his wagon sideways you know. He says it makes more wagon driving-space, but mommy says that he does it to annoy everypony around him! Oh, and that one time at court? You asked a guy who never touched his wife, 'did you stop beating your wife,' and he was like, so confused, because he never started, so how could he stop? It was one of your famous 'loaded diapers'-"
"Loaded questions."
Auful began to scowl: "Wait, you're telling us that you trick innocent stallions into incriminating themselves?"
"Okay, that's probably enough of that!" Cheerilee drew another card from the hat: "Sükh-Khutaluun."''
All the foals were looking around, wondering who she was talking about. But Cheerilee began to gaze rather grumpily at Scootaloo, and it began to hit some of them that maybe Scootaloo wasn't exactly her legal name. When she began to notice the number of ponies staring at her intently, Scootaloo began to look around, pretending not to know. "What?"
Cheerilee sighed. "Sükh-Khutaluun, come to the front of the class please."
Scootaloo sulkily left her desk and came to Cheerilee's, as did the Przewalski's horse, who was looking at Scootaloo sternly.
Diamond Tiara was genuinely shocked: "I thought your name was Scootaloo!"
Scootaloo shook her head. "Nah, my Dad doesn't hate me. He loves me too much to name me like a normal Equestrian." Cheerilee realized that Scootaloo was probably half-Przewalski's herself, for although Scootaloo had the build of an Equestrian pegasus, her orange coat was probably inherited from her father. However, Sükhbaatar then proceeded to give Scootaloo some loving noogies "That's right!" He then put her down and began to explain to Cheerilee: "You see, Scootaloo was the old mis-Equestrianization at the time."
Scootaloo looked at them with a similar intensity to that of the Przewalski's horse next to her: "Okay, how many of your dads have joined the Wonderbolt Academy?"
Almost every single Pegasus hoof went up.
Scootaloo now donned a mischievous smile. "Okay, now how many of your dads made the cut?"
Almost every single Pegasus hoof went down.
Scootaloo closed her eyes contentedly and made the most smug face possible: "Well, that's because my dad kicks your dads out for a living!!" Scootaloo explained.
Sükhbaatar's face was suddenly aghast. "Um, oh, oh no dear...You see, I'm a Legal Officer there, I provide the Commanding Officer with legal counsel, and because we're military, that usually means getting rid of ponies who break the rules-"
"No shit! Everypony breaks the rules there all the time!" Scootaloo went closer to Apple Bloom and Sweetie Belle. "He also complains about how Spitfire breaks the most basic rules of fraternization and enlisted training, but laments how he can't get rid of her because she's his superior officer."
Cheerilee thought that they should go to a better topic. "Um, Scootaloo, can you tell us what your father's title is?"
"Oh, yeah! He's the Legal Counsel Dictator!"
Sükhbaatar was also trying to control the damage. He scuffed her mane with his hoof, and said, "I think you mean Legal Counsel Director."
Scootaloo shook her head in a most matter-of-fact fashion: "Nah, everypony calls you a 'dictator'. Or just a 'dick'. Is that short for dictator?"
He rubbed the back of his head with his hoof. "Well, to be fair, it's like you said...nopony abides to the most basic rules in the Wonderbolts." Cheerilee nodded sympathetically, knowing full well that the Wonderbolts had a reputation for being the least professional military organization in all of Equestria. It was rumored it was a dumping ground of all other military organizations to get rid of serious liabilities without the risk of them suing.
"Oh yeah, and then there's Rainbow Dash! She's not really my sister, but my dad's going to adopt her!"
"Scootaloo!" he cut in, "that's not what I said, I'm not going to adopt her at all, she isn't any younger than me than she is older than you! I just said that she was going to be part of the family..."
"Well, she has to be my sister, because she keeps calling you 'Daddy'."
Sükhbaatar then nervously rubbed the back of his neck with his wing. "Ah, well...about that..."
"Anyway, Rainbow loves me, but she really loves my dad!" Scootaloo spread out her forelimbs in excitement. "She really likes to hug him, and snuggle against him, and kiss him, and he kisses her a lot too - hey Dad...why don't you do that to me?"
"Because I'm not Filthy Rich."
"And she's really fun, we play things on the record player and dance at home, and she spends weekend nights at my house!"
"Yes, that's enough Scootaloo."
Diamond Tiara cocked an eyebrow: "Wait, did you say 'weekend nights?'"
Then Scootaloo began to take a more protesting tone. "But seriously, they do lots of fun things together, but I'm never invited! Dad, why am I never invited?"
"Because like I said Squirt, I'm not Filthy Rich."
Then he pepped from behind the door, observing the students carefully. Cotton Cloudy looked like her day had been completely made, for it was him, none other than the great Wind Rider. He was the oldest father of all of the lot, but a daddy to her nonetheless. "Um, excuse me m'am, I'm Wind Rider, and I'm here for Daddy's Day for my daughter, Cotton Cloudy?"
Tears of joy welled in Cotton Cloudy's eyes. "Dad!" she exclaimed, and ran right into her father.
Wind Rider was also surprised. "Woah, you're my daughter? Well, you sure got damn big! How long has it been? Three, four months-"
Cotton Cloudy looked up, now looking somewhat upset. "Thirteen years."
"Thirteen years??" Wind Rider's face contorted in surprise. "Damn, was I really that fucked up by Poison Joke?" It was discovered that when inhaled, Poison Joke could be a powerful psychotropic drug.
"Wind Rider, language please." Cheerilee scowled, as she did not like Wind Rider much. She was almost beginning to miss Ambience.
However, Wind Rider just kept going: "I am a semi-retired professional athlete-"
"You were a naval aviator turned diva!" Sükhbaatar was scowling at Wind Rider. Cheerilee wondered if they knew each other, as Sükhbaatar was the Wonderbolts' legal counselor, and Wind Rider was a former Wonderbolt. Wind Rider merely scowled at him and carried on.
"There I was in the Wonderbolts, an all-star forward multi-millionaire. Life was great, until I turned to drugs and alcohol-" but then he cut himself off, going to a state of deep thought and self-induced catharsis "-actually, that part was pretty good too, I love drugs and alcohol!" Then he turned rather glum. "But it was enough for Mr. Sackbaatar to get me kicked off the team, and so I lost the entire fortune." He sighed sadly, and as planned, all the other foals turned around and glared at Sükhbaatar. How dare he ask that all Wonderbolts abide by standard military procedure! How dare he demand that they abide by the law! After all, all Wind Rider wanted was to get high enough to loose sexual inhibitions! What was so bad about that?
Wind Rider savored that moment, and decided to go on. "Now that's when the Deliverance Department helped me out! I stopped enjoying euphoria, and instead enjoyed cash when I got started on my own business! Now I've got a gorgeous wife, great kids, an even better mistress, a whole fleet of horse-carriages, mansions on both coasts, and a balloon to call my own, and best of all, I haven't paid any taxes in years!"
All of the foals cheered for him. Sükhbaatar couldn't stand this any longer. "Kids, I don't know why you think this is so great, the Wonderbolts aren't strictly a sports team, they're basically a branch of the Equestrian Navy created as an 'up-yours' to the Equestrian Air Force. Just because they fly, doesn't mean it's not Navy, the Equestrian Navy created Mobile Pegasus Rookeries to transport Pegasi overseas, as an overwhelming majority of Equestria's soldiers and sailors are Pegasi. And the Navy has certain rules-"
"Yeah, but nopony in the Wonderbolts lives by them!" Wind Rider cut off. "See old Sükh kids? He's a party pooper. Spit on him."
They obeyed.
Sükh shook himself dry of all of the saliva, and stared at Wind Rider with rage, his brow furrowing. Cheerilee knew she had to interfere: "Okay, that's enough boys. Wind Rider, you're a terrible example, and Sükhbaatar, it's not your job to shoot down other presentations, just mine."
Wind Rider, however, was enjoying the power his raw charisma had over the students. "See, he talks about rules, but he's with the hottest, youngest, newest Wonderbolt, and his own poor daughter doesn't even know what's going on, but I do. It's called fraternization. Hypocrisy much, Sackbaatar?"
Sükhbaatar just kept scowling. "For your information, we've been doing this before she even arrived."
"Fine then," Wind Rider said glumly, trying to find a new way to press his buttons. "But you know, your fillyfriend is a well-known Gerbil, so if things don't work between you, well..." he gestured to himself.
And that really did it.
Sükhbaatar then promptly reared up ready to attack Wind Rider, which was Rider's initial plan, but his defensive instincts took over and he grabbed him by the forelimbs and flipped him over onto the snack table, breaking it in two and knocking Sükhbaatar unconcious.
Cheerilee gasped: "Mr. Rider! You just beat a stallion senseless!!"
"He was senseless before I beat him."
With that, Big Mac and Hondo looked at each other and nodded. They seized Wind Rider - "Hey, what are you doing? Let go of me!!" - and threw him out.
Cheerilee was extremely frustrated with them all at this point, and was hardly in a mood to continue. "Let's see, the hat says Apple Bloom is next. Big Mac was there with her, but before Apple Bloom could speak, Cheerilee began to see a pattern: Most of these presentations implied severely dysfunctional familes. She rolled her eyes in frustration, "oh let me guess, your parents are Applejack and Big Mac-"
"No," Apple Bloom sniffed, "my parents are dead!" She then stuffed her face into Big Mac's chest for comfort, and quietly sobbed. Big Mac gently embraced her to comfort her.
Then before anything else could be said or done, before Cheerilee could even think about it, a voice boomed overhead: "Don't worry, my little ponies! I shall give the rest of the presentations for you!" And with that, a Pegasus stallion with a brilliant gamboge coat burst through the roof, bringing a rain of splinters to the back of the schoolhouse, and subsequently bringing the literal rain from outside. And then, this theme played:
And as it went on, the Pegasus burst out: "It's me!"
"Flash!!" everypony else shouted. Lord Flashheart Sentry, or just Flash, was a legend throughout Equestria.
To add additional flair to his entrance, Flash dropped gunpowder right behind him, and obeying his sheer force of will alone, the gunpowder promptly gave a small, sizzling explosion. With that, he took a moment to introduce himself: "Flash by name! Flash by nature!" With just a mere gesture, the door that could now hardly shut all the way was suddenly repaired and sealed.
"Wow!" Scootaloo squealed, "how'd you do that?"
"It's all-" he then took a moment to strike a pose while Queen sang his praises in the background "-in the wrist!" With a flick of his wrist, little fireworks in the shape of butterflies burst out. All the foals were wowed.
"Why are you here?" Sweetie Belle asked.
"Where have you been?" Blackadder inquired.
"Woah woah woah, keep your fangasms down! One question at a time!" Flash began. "Okay, first to answer the little lady's question: I'm here because the truth is kiddies, most of you were fathered by me! Tau Sunflare made me for mares, and mares for me! WOOF-WOOF!!" He had reared on his hind legs and made a rude gesture with his lower body to emphasize his point.
Snails asked "How could mares have only been made for you?"
"Well, because I did all of them!"
"All of them?" Teddy looked a little more worried than usual.
Flash Sentry gave a look that strongly suggested a bizarre mix of both pity and disgust. "Don't worry Teddy, I wouldn't tap your wife after you touched her. I might catch cooties!" He bent towards Sweetie Bell and whispered fairly audibly, "Cooties called Herpes." He then stood up and addressed Teddy again. "I mean, seriously my good stallion, where have you been? What have you been doing?"
"The Great and Powerful Trixie!" Snips answered cheerfully.
"Ah. So Sweetheart ditched you already eh?" he said, gazing eerily at Teddy. "Did your new flame tell you about her Great and Powerful Herpes? Oh! And speaking of which, the second question, 'where have you been?' Well, allow me to answer your question with another question: Where haven't I been? WOOF-WOOF!!" Once again, he had a rude gesture with his lower body to serve as further explanation. ""Besides that, I had to be pulled over by a police officer for flying too fast...I let him off with a warning. But I'm here now, and-" He then stared wildly at Doosh Doolots. "Who...is that?"
"I don't know, but his name is Doosh!"
"Douche? Well the name says it all!" And with that, Flash drew a sword from under his wing! Was he going to cut Doosh?
Luckily, no. He handed it to Baldrick, asked "hold that please," and simply kicked Doosh right out of the door.
"Thanks Baldrick!" he said, "like the beard! Gives me something to hang onto!" He punctuated his remark with yet another thrust of his lower body.
Then he gazed at Sükhbaatar: "So my old pal is getting hitched, eh?"
"H-hitched?" It never even occurred to Scootaloo.
"What's the matter, couldn't stand the pace of the in-crowd?" Flash asked, touching Sükh in a very inappropriate way.
Scootaloo was still having a hard time making sense of everything: "My dad's...getting married...to..." and with that, Scootaloo's face utterly contorted to an insane grin. "RAINBOW'S GOING TO BE MY MOM!!" And that was how Scootaloo spontaneously combusted with excitement.
There was a silence.
Flash Sentry broke it.
"Oh well, nothing duct tape can't fix!"
Then he turned, his eyes wildly fixed on the remains of the table: "What happened here?"
Cheerilee, who was stressed beyond imagination at this point, struggled to even find words: "Oh, a scuffle with Wind Rider-"
"How could you leave so much good food go to waste??"
"It wasn't my fault!" Cheerilee protested. "Honest!"
"Well, no matter!" Flash said. He grabbed the tablecloth with both of his wings, and gave it a flick. With that, somehow, the whole table was able to transform into the ultimate snack bar, complete with a fountain of molten chocolate. Flash cried out "no need to thank me! Just doing what I do best!"
"What's that?" Diamond Tiara asked.
"Being myself!"
"Take my body!" Sweetie Belle squeaked in a tiny voice.
"Sorry little lady, I'm not Filthy Rich!" He looked rather intently at Filthy Rich for a moment, and then he looked back at Sweetie Belle. "You'll just have to wait your turn when you hit puberty like everypony else!" Flash looked at his watch. "Oh dear, I have to leave now, there are now probably a million mares who will think I'm dead and will hang themselves, and I don't want them on my conscious, not when they should be on my face!!"
But then he turned to all of the foals and smiled more warmly: "But I have time to tell you this: All ponies are equal. Therefore, nopony can ever be your genuine superior. Except of course for me." Diamond Tiara still looked more downcast, and he trotted to her. "And you know what else? It's your future, yours to create! Your future will be as bright as you make it!" Diamond then hugged him, not wanting to let go. Tears seemed to well in his eyes as he looked at them all. "I will always be in your hearts!" And with another flicking burst of gunpowder that obeyed his will, he disappeared. When they thought he was gone for good, however, he materialized again outside, on a golden chariot, pulled by none other than Christopher Eccleston and Ben Stiller. The ears of both actors began to vibrate, and soon, they began to levitate, and with it, the chariot did too. As they soared into the sunset, Flash Sentry shouted, "remember, believe in yourselves!!" These words echoed across the valleys and in their hearts for decades to come.
Cheerilee muttered to herself, "well, remind me what special day never to hold again..."
Author's Note
In case you are wondering, Snips' father is Teddy from My Little Pony Tales. His similar color scheme and hair-themed Cutie Mark made him perfect for the role. I decided to give him his comeuppance for all the bad shit he did in Tales.
Because Equestria is essentually a weird mix of Theocracy and Monarchy, they don't have Socialists, but instead, they have Mercantilists, which is the essentially the mid-stage between Corporatists and Socialists, in which they support big businesses that are ran by politicians and are dedicated to national causes, but will crush small independent business ran by civilians. Doosh just got luckier than most by choosing reality as his main business. That being said, he has a solid point.
And according to this story, this guy is Diamond Tiara's biological father:
That's from whom she gets the white streaks in her mane, and her name, "Diamond Tiara".
Most of the Teddy dialogue hails from Dilbert, as does Sweetie Belle's.
Some of the Ambience dialogue hails from Robot Chicken, but not much.
Some of the Flash Sentry dialogue hails from the show Blackadder, as does much Baldrick dialoge.
Wind Rider's speech is a mix of Dilbert and The Ballad of Rickie Bobbie dialogue.
The Przewalski's horses have Mongolian names, because most Przewalski's horses are found in Mongolia.
Because the new approval system was much faster than I expected, my story was published barely finished, and so it will be continuously edited and extended over the next couple of days to come, so stay tuned!
