While I’m sure you all want to get right into what life in Equestria is like, it is just as important to know how you get to Equestria in the first place. First thing you should know is that there are only two portals on Earth. One in New York on Equus Island and another in Hong Kong. These are the only places on Earth that you can get to Equestria through. At the time of writing, they are working on getting a portal in Russia but it will probably be awhile before that happens.
Now, the portals are not free in more ways than one. First, you must pay 500 usd to get through, with extra fees for baggage and any ‘special’ objects you’d like to take with you. The current rate is 30 usd per every 10 pounds, I think you can see why getting through this way could get very costly. No weapons of any kind or any size are allowed through and your bag will be opened and searched extensively by both a human and a pony and you will be given a physical assessment by a pony physician. If you are on a watch list or have a collection of materials that could be used to build a weapon then you won’t be allowed through. This means, knifes, guns, bombs, swords, bats, etc. If you desperately need to cut an apple or something in Equestria, you’ll need to buy a knife over there or ask somepony to borrow one. Other restrictions are no items that weigh more than three hundred pounds, meaning you can’t bring your fridge or couch or bed over with you unless you have a government provided pass to do so. Now, onto the various ways to get through the D.I.P.T or Department of Interplanetary Travel.
1.Pay 500 usd plus the extra baggage cost. This is the normal way and is how most people will probably get through. But this guide is to help you with all things Equestria and I wouldn’t be doing a very good job if I didn’t have a few tricks to give you.
Get a travel visa. Now, this is a little harder to get but will help you save on cash. Travel visas are given out to humans who have an already planned workplace or if there are services needed in Equestria that you can specifically help with. Visas can last from one week up to three years.
Get a scholarship. If you can manage to catch the eye of an Equestrian professor or head of a college they just might give you a scholarship to pay for all your travel expenses. Sadly, these scholarships end whenever your studies are over and if you want to live in Equestria you may have to pay the 500 anyway plus whatever trinkets and things you picked up during your studies.
Get your expenses paid for by an aristocrat or head of one of the human-pony relations organizations. This is the way I got in and I highly recommend it. Except...there’s a caveat. The majority of these human-pony organizations will only pay the way for people who show potential and are willing to become a humbrid. Since everything is coming out of their pocket they’ll probably ask that you either help them with something or that you stay within contact range.
I highly implore you to not try and sneak into Equestria. The consequences are not nice. The four methods above are the ones I have found most reliable.
Now, money isn’t everything and just because you can pay your own way through doesn’t mean you get to just waltz into Equestria. Everyone going into Equestria must take the E.S.F.T, Equestrian Societal Fitness Test or Esfit for short. This test will decide whether or not you are fit to go to Equestria as well as how high of a priority you are to get through. As you may already know, Equestria is a very different place than Earth and while it’s safe for a pony to go to Earth without being tested it is much more dangerous for a human to go to Equestria without being tested. The Esfit was requested by the royal sisters when two bank robbers went to Equestria to seek asylum and it ended with a unicorn in the emergency room and a dead human. This event nearly decimated all person-pony relations on both sides and after a week of heated argument the Esfit was put into effect on the human side of the portal.
Now, I can’t tell you nor remember all the questions on the test but I can tell you a few tips that will help raise your chances of getting through. The higher you score on the test the sooner you’ll get pushed through and with the help of a few of the D.I.P.T employees I’ve met I’ll tell you the best boxes to check and the keywords to ignore.
Tip 1: On the test make sure that you take it as though you are open to relationships with ponies. This is because it will raise you extremely high on the list. Most humans are xenophobic when it comes to Equestrians or any creature from Equus for that matter. As you might know, the male to female ratio in Equestria is extremely unbalanced with females overtaking males a whopping 30 to 1. Here’s why this will raise your priority level.
“Yes. Anyone who checks the box stating that they are interested in having relationships with mares are almost always raised as high as possible. Little known secret, while Princess Luna focused on what person-pony relations could do to enhance the more material and industrial side of Equestria, Princess Celestia focused on the more social aspects of the interplanetary relations. Number one on her list was the potential of stabilizing the mare to stallion ratio……..Oh most definitely! If someone marks that they are open to sexual intimacy with a mare they are immediately moved to the top of the list and are usually put through the same day. Celestia made it clear that she didn’t want a mass influx of stallions unless a good majority of them are willing to have intimate relationships with a pony………....Right again, if someone puts that they are not interested in any kind of relationships with ponies they are usually put lower. I know for a fact one poor stallion has been waiting for more than three months to get through because in the open answer section he wrote that he was not open to a pony relationship at all. The only time someone can get through in a timely fashion but still mark that they’re uninterested in pony relationships is if they’re a scholar. Anything else and they’re at the bottom of the list….....….Uh-huh. We rarely let in full families, married stallions, or open homosexuals for this reason. It’s nothing personal of course! We don’t do it to be rude and mares are free to date mares here in Equestria! Can you uh...cut that last part out?”
-Interview of Lt. Plum Paper, head of immigrant denial and acceptance at the Manehattan D.I.P.T
As you can see, it’ll be greatly in your favor to take the test as though you are open to a relationship with ponies. This doesn’t mean you should just blatantly lie about yourself but if you are so inclined it will help your chances, and note, no person has ever been restricted from entering Equestria just because they weren’t open to a pony relationship and most likely, you’ll get through within the month. But while we’re on the subject of restrictions,
“Who do we restrict access to? Well convicted criminals are number one. We’ll accept a max of two felonies but if you have committed a crime, you’re chances of getting into Equestria are zero unless you are given a pardon by either a human government that is recognized as an Equestrian ally or from one of the princesses……...Keywords we look for? Well a major phrase that we’ll look for in the Esfit open answer section is “interested in pony sex” or “interested in ponies.” We really don’t want any love crazed humans, well...raping our citizens so if this phrase or something similar to it is put on an Esfit we usually freeze their name on the entry list until we can investigate further. Usually we’ll just send a mare in and monitor her while she does the physical and that tends to reveal whether or not the stallion likes ponies or is obsessed with them. For instance, whether they get nervous or not, how long they stare, whether or not they overstep boundaries and other things as well…………..Yes, totally. We have a reverse of this as well. One thing that will restrict somepony access for a few years is lying. If you put that you’re open to mares but then shrivel away during the physical we’ll investigate further on that individual. I’m a little ashamed to say it but these investigations are the more fun ones to watch. For example, we may have the individual in the waiting room and we’ll have a ‘random’ mare come in and start hitting on them. The main test is how the individual acts when the mare kisses them. It’s the most funny thing to see a human try and fake like they’re enjoying something and then hurriedly rubbing the area that the mare kissed them in once she leaves! Ha! I’ll never understand that about humans. Other than that, not too many other people get restricted. Sure, if somepony starts a fight at the D.I.P.T or is on a watch list but really, most people get through. Trust me, it’s never worth it to lie about your sexuality in hopes of getting through quicker, we’ll probably find out and instead of getting to Equestria in a month, you’ll have to wait at least three years……...It was an absolute pleasure talking to you. Come back whenever you want.”
Interview of Ms. P, director of Interplanetary Intelligence, travel division.
Like I said, while marking that you’re interested in pony relationships is good and will quicken your time at the D.I.P.T, lying or going too far may get you restricted from Equestria. Onto the next step.
Tip 2: Be male.
I’m sure you know by now why it helps to be male so I’ll skip explanation for this step.
Tip 3: Brag your skills.
If you have any skills you think will raise your acceptability write them down or be sure to mention them. Equestria doesn’t want anyone who isn’t going to be helpful to their society so be sure to mention as many skills as possible. Being vague might help as well. If you can make pancakes then you’re good at cooking, if you have gone swimming or played dodge ball you’re an athlete, if you have a high school diploma then you’ve had a higher education.
Tip 4: Say that you plan to stay longer than a year.
If you aren’t then don’t lie because they’ll review your Esfit when you come back to shorten your pending time if you ever want to visit again. If you said you were going to stay longer than a year but are leaving after only six months then you’ll be labeled a liar by the Equestrian travel administration and you’ll be much less of a priority to push through if you want to visit again. But, if you are going to stay nearly a year or more don’t be afraid to say it. Equestria wants people who are going to add and invest in their society, a bunch of three day long visits or weekend getaways aren’t really going to do that so if you want through quickly then mention this.
Tip 5: Be a humbrid. I’m pretty sure most of you have no clue what this is but just know that humbrids are guaranteed immediate access into Equestria 99% of the time. Humbrids will be explained in the next section as there is a lot to cover.
Now you know the best ways to get into Equestria and what to expect about the process. I recommend bringing a lunch because the lines are long and the pending can be hours. No worries though, if you’re so low on the list that it’ll be more than a day they will inform you so be on the lookout for a pony or human looking for you. You do not want to be sitting there when you could either be at home or in Equestria. It goes without saying that you will see ponies working at the D.I.P.T as well as ponies coming to Earth probably for the first time. So, be nice to them and make their first experiences on Earth good ones. Believe me, they definitely do the same for you. Oh and as a tip from me to you, most ponies working at the D.I.P.T are there to meet humans so if you want to pass the time, strike up a conversation with a pony who’s on break. Good luck at the D.I.P.T!
Fun Fact: Ponies never invented air conditioning, most of the time to keep their houses cool or warm they’ll either use a central fireplace or hire a unicorn to charm their house. This method goes back centuries and ponies have no plans of changing. You could say their houses are charmingly comfortable.
What are humbrids? Well the correct name for them are humans who have gone through pony transformation or ponification for short. It’s basically what it sounds like. But they’re called humbrids for short and if you plan to go through ponification you should get used to this name. Luckily, I am a humbrid and can explain to you the entire process. Let’s start at the beginning.
The fee for ponification varies throughout the year but is a minimum of at least 5000 usd. It must all be paid off before the procedure will begin. For me, my procedure was paid for by a person-pony relations organization and just goes to show how useful it is to catch the eye of one of these programs. The area where your ponification will be done is in the same building as the D.I.P.T but in a different wing of the building. There you will go through the following.
•General Equestrian Knowledge
•Pony manners and gestures
•Advanced Equestrian Knowledge
•Pony Society Prep
•Physical Prep
•Race Evaluation
•Final Testing
•Real Pony Date
•Initial Ponification
•Final Ponification
•New Body Adjustment period(three days)
This whole process will take around one week to do and you will be kept at the facility the entire time. Of course quartering and food will be provided and you’ll get to mingle with the others going through ponification. The groups range from ten to fifty a week though the facility can handle a max of 100 participants at a time. Now let’s get into what all those subjects above are in detail.
General Equestrian Knowledge- This course will take around half a day and will teach you the various basics of Equestria. When it was formed, the government style, races, culture, that sort of stuff. Nothing too difficult and you will most likely not have to recall much of the information ever again.
Pony Manners and Gestures- This course takes place on the other half of your first day there. In this you will be taught the various manners that are different in Equestria than they are on Earth. This is tail twining, nose rubbing, and a few other gestures that you should know. This course will also teach about the extremeness of manners in Equestria. For instance, it is considered rude to touch a stranger’s tail on purpose and not waving back at somepony can come across as very rude unlike on Earth.
Advanced Equestrian Knowledge- This course takes place on your second day and goes over the more in depth knowledge you might need in Equestria. How old the princesses are, study over the map of Equestria, relations of Equestria with the other nations of Equus and more. This information is the more useful of the two knowledge courses.
Pony Society Prep- This course is right after the advanced knowledge course and goes over pony society in general. This was my favorite course and went on for several hours, not that I minded. There are debates between which society is better and acted out scenarios throughout the course. Some of the things you’ll learn is that in Equestria, mares are the dominant gender, public sex is not illegal and nor is public nudity, or defecation, and whether or not the previously mentioned things are frowned upon or not vary from region to region. There are many more things you’ll learn in this course that I’ll explain later on in the guide, most of them being very different from trends on Earth.
Physical Prep- This is a pretty short course. A pony will check you and prepare you for life in Equestria and see if you’re healthy enough to go through ponification. This features running, swimming, lifting, and jaw strength. You will also be evaluated by both a human and pony psychiatrist to see if you’re mentally ready to adapt to a completely different physiology.
Race Evaluation- This is the course where a few participants tend to drop out of the program. It takes place after the physical prep and is when it will be decided what race you can be in Equestria. The evaluation is done by three ponies, each of the three races, who will ask you a few questions, perform a few tests, and use your physical information to determine what race fits you the best.
• For unicorns, you must have good focus, slightly above average I.Q, imagination, and it is recommended you have good pain tolerance. It fluctuates between unicorn and pegasus as the most wanted race but sadly a lot of people don’t get their wanted race. For example, while there have been many people with ADHD made into unicorns there are also a lot that fail to meet the requirements. But you can always delay the ponification and try again later. I’ve heard that lucid dreamers and avid gamers usually reach the marks for unicorn and hundreds of people have trained themselves so that they can become unicorns. It is very much possible so do not be put off.
• For pegasus, you’ll need to have good stamina and have average athletic ability. This race is usually given to swimmers, runners, parkourist, anyone who has good stamina really. There are a few exceptions that might get you this race even if you don’t make the marks just quite. If you have a piloting license or if you are a qualified skydiver. Unfortunately, those who suffer from asthma are mostly denied to be pegasi. If not then you may just need to delay your ponification and train to get yourself ready.
• For earth pony, there really aren’t too many requirements. This is the race that you can go in knowing that you’ll be able to get. But that doesn’t make earth ponies inferior of any kind. This is the race that is given to those who want to become ponies but don’t fit any of the previously mentioned requirements or are suffering from a major disease. Ponification gets rid of any disease affecting the human body and earth ponification doesn’t put too much strain on the body so it’s a win-win.
Final Testing- Final testing occurs after your evaluation and is just a 35 question test that goes over what you’ve learned the past few days. If you fail this test you won’t be held back from going to Equestria or being ponified but you will be urged to relearn what was taught. Mostly, the test is to see if participants are learning the material and check to make sure a bunch of rascals aren’t going to be let loose into Equestria. By the time you finish, it will most likely be night time. Before you can leave however, you’ll be given a photo of a pony, their name, and a room number. This will be the pony you will be dating the next day.
Real Pony Date- Your real pony date is a two part assessment of all that you’ve learned in the past days. Allow me to clarify, the word date is used in a casual sense here and is not meant to be romantic, just an arranged meeting with somepony. In the morning you’ll go to your assigned room and meet the pony who you’ll date. The rooms are designed after different places across Equestria like restaurants, parks, and residences. During the date, your pony will test to see if you remember the various gestures and manners of Equestria and will make small talk to see if you can keep up with basic knowledge.
Initial Ponification- This is exactly what it sounds like. This is when you’ll go through the beginning stages of ponification. They’ll numb your body and slowly put magic into you to acclimate your body to magic. This takes around an hour and requires you to be naked. Of course you can cover yourself with a towel but nothing else.
Final Ponification- I have no clue what the final ponification process is because you’re put to sleep for it. Maybe it hurts. No details are given as to what is done to ponify people and only a select few ponies can perform the operation. It has been said that the secrecy is to keep unicorns from potentially harming and killing humans by trying to perform what is apparently a very hard spell to cast. I woke up four hours later with a completely different staff than I fell asleep with so that may be proof of the difficulty.
New Body Adjustment Period- Everyone is given a mandatory three day period to learn how to operate in your new body. You may think it should only take at most an hour to adjust but you’d be very surprised. Learning to walk with four legs takes up the entire first day. Then on to grabbing things with hooves, eating, jumping, running, and dancing are all covered on your second day. The third day is used to work on anything you had trouble with previously but for unicorns and pegasus this day is used to develop those specialized skills. Simple levitation, hovering, flight, and basic magic manipulation like opening doors and closing doors. After all of that...you’re ready to go to Equestria.
The portal to Equestria is housed in a large white room with a high ceiling and bright fluorescent lights. Everything is sterile and there are both human and pony guards stationed at the one entrance. In the middle of the room is a large glowing circle with a blue hue that gives off a soft humming sound. Nothing can be seen beyond it and the only reaction you can really have is awe. The portal itself feels like it’s very existence is some form of higher power and the silence of the room only adds onto that. The first time you see the portal will be an unforgettable moment. You will be given the instruction that you may now enter and everything changes. You will finally be going to Equestria.
Fun Fact: When the spell for ponification was completed Princess Luna suggested that Earth should develop a method to turn ponies into humans instead of Equestria developing the spell as well in a metaphorical ‘I scratch your back, you scratch mine’ way. The princess was then baffled when she was told that humans have not figured out how to turn anything into anything else yet and gave a public apology, saying that she did not mean any offense in her suggestion. The apology was accepted and now ponies and humans are working together to figure out how to transform ponies into humans using Earth technology and not Equestria magic. As of yet there is no method of turning a pony into a human.
We are finally going to start learning about Equestria itself and thus, this section will be longer than the previous sections. After day one in Equestria you have passed what I like to call the point of no return. This is a big decision, most likely the biggest you have made in your life. You are immigrating to a whole new world! Whether you're staying for one week or one hundred weeks this is still a big event. You, someone born on Earth, are moving to an entirely different planet. You may think I am blowing this somewhat out of proportion but I assure you I am not. It is one thing to hear about Equestria and go through the steps to get here, it is a whole different thing entirely to arrive here and live here. So to help you, either make it past the point of no return or make the choice to turn back while you still have the chance, I am going to tell you about some of the things you will face on your first day in Equestria.
First, I urge you to not give in to choice supportive bias. What I mean is that your first day in Equestria is very important for a couple of reasons, case in point, you will discover if you can deal with the most basic facets of pony society. In this guide I will explain many facets of life in Equestria but some things can’t be explained and must be experienced. A friend of mine came through the portal to visit me and knowing full well how ponies were and having read all my letters describing Equestria it was only when he actually got here that he suddenly stopped liking Equestria. My best guess is that it is a surreal form of cognitive dissonance at the idea that a society as a whole can be so different and, specifically, friendly. I do believe some people honestly have a limit of how much friendliness they can stand before it becomes too much. Now for my friend it took him a week of being here before he realized he simply didn’t like it but I say to you that if you realize you don’t like Equestria on your first day here you need to go back home. I say this because if it only takes you a day to realize you’re uncomfortable, it means even the most basic things about Equestria are making you uncomfortable and if you try and force yourself to stay even longer it could grow from uncomfortable to aggravating and we don’t want that. So I say again, if you realize you don’t like it here in Equestria don’t hesitate and try to defend your choice by staying. No one or pony is going to judge you for going back and while you won’t get a refund on whatever expenses you paid you will at least be comfortable and that’s more important than money.
Now with all that said I’d like to add that this is in no way a common occurrence but it does occur and since this is a guide I take it upon myself to inform you that it could happen and what to do if it does. Now, let’s get into the stark differences you will encounter day one in the land of Equestria.
•Ponies are nice.
We have all heard this and even if you don’t keep up with anything relating to Equestria you have at least seen a pony on Earth behaving in an almost supernaturally benevolent manner or you’ve overhead someone who was baffled by just how nice Equestrians can be. So yes. Equestrians are quite nice. When you come through the portal and into Manehattan you are greeted by a line of ponies clapping, stomping, and cheering your arrival and upon hearing this celebration the ponies within earshot will most likely join in. Ponies can be quite talkative, especially in the Equestrian side of the D.I.P.T. Some ponies even wait outside of the building to make earth friends and show newcomers around. If you wave at a pony they will happily wave back, if you trip and fall I guarantee somepony will come over and ask if you are okay. They’re very generous and it’s a rare find to run into a frugal pony. If you’re a human, don’t be surprised if you’re approached and asked out to lunch or coffee on their dime and when you ask why they simply say it’s because you’re human. And all of this is genuine care and friendliness, it’s not some kind of formality. Ponies are curious and very interested in Earth culture and humans. They’re also very pacifistic...for a pony. What do I mean by that? Well…
•Ponies are strong.
Your average pony is not too tall and while Princess Celestia may tower over you or look you in the eye, a normal pony stands just above your waist with their muzzle usually at your navel. This height difference caused some fear in the first few weeks the portals opened but now ponies are aware that the height difference is nothing to be worried about. What they do have trouble with is remembering the strength difference. While it’s not likely you will get into any kind of fight in Equestria, if you do, you will probably loose. Ponies can kick hard and their kicks can actually send you flying.
Aside from fights there are still a couple ways you could meet the rear hooves of a pony on an extremely personal level. Say you walk into a shop and cut in line. This will earn you a quote, polite shove, from the pony behind you. Either with their forehooves or rear hooves the pony will push you out of line. To another pony this would be fine since ponies can withstand some serious beating when it comes blunt trauma. But to a human this is like getting hit with a baseball bat at half force. Ponies don’t particularly mean to physically hurt you when they do this kind of thing, they’re just trying to tell you, “Hey, what you just did was rude and I don’t like it.” But to a human these polite shoves can hurt, so refrain from being rude in Equestria not just because it’s the right thing to do but because you just might get a hoof mark on your skin for it.
The second way you might experience the brunt force of a pony is from a gesture of friendliness. Just like us ponies will have a playful shove between friends. This is already a much softer hit than the polite shove I talked about earlier but it can still sting to a human. So don’t be surprised if you’re sitting on a bench with a mare and after you make a joke it feels like she just full on tries to push your shoulder out of it’s socket. Obviously, she is not trying to hurt you. In fact the mare will probably gasp in shock and apologize the moment you show signs of pain. Just explain that what she did hurt and that she needs to be softer. When the portals first opened not too long ago, ponies were totally unaware that they hit harder than humans. Even when told that they do, they didn’t understand and wouldn’t soften their blows. By now the knowledge of our species’ differences has spread around and ponies are much more open to softening their hits upon request or just doing it automatically when dealing with humans. As for the mare or stallion who you cut in line in front of, they’ll probably give you most of their force for the sake of annoyance.
If you’ve learned anything about pony bodies you’ll know that they weigh a whole lot less than we do and can be picked up just as easily as a large dog. Pegasi weigh the least and earth ponies weigh the most with unicorns averaging just a little less than earth ponies. This is why the idea that they hit harder than us can be confusing to some, especially those who have seen pictures or videos of humans carrying ponies like it’s nothing and even that sports drink commercial where the quarterback throws a pegasus mare sky high. Thankfully this also means your feet don’t get crushed when a pony steps on them.
Word to the wise, don’t ride ponies! You might have seen that viral video about a month after the portals opened where one jerk ran over and jumped onto some random mare with all his weight. For those who haven’t seen the video it goes like this. The guy and his friends are walking in Manehattan with one guy filming them all and one gets the bright idea to dare another to go and jump on a mare waiting at a crosswalk. They all share an idiotic chuckle and the guy agrees to do it. He then runs over and jumps on the mare clearly expecting her to collapse under his weight. To his surprise she doesn’t flinch and just slowly turns her head to glare back at the human now sitting on her back. The guy gives a nervous laugh and is then bucked into the nearest building wall. The guy ended up nearly breaking his neck. Ponies can carry a lot of weight and just like horses on earth, they can buck you off. Ponies in general don’t like people riding them. It’s not that they can’t handle the weight of your average human male and it’s not that they find it demeaning, they just don’t like the feeling of something that heavy on their back and to pony society riding somepony is like having your mom rock you to sleep in her arms. For a foal, baby, and young child; it’s cute. For an adult human or pony, it’s creepy and you need to get off. This why you’ll see ponies carrying foals around without a worry and sometimes giving kids on Earth rides for the fun of it.
As a small recap, just remember that ponies weigh less but hit harder. You may also be confused as to how ponies are pacifist if they just casually shove each other when somepony cuts in line. This is because in Equus that is pacifistic. I will talk about this more later but other species are much more physical than ponies if you can believe that. With all of that explained I want you to know that in now way are ponies just physically better than humans. Most Equestrian scholars agree that humans and ponies equal out when it comes to physical prowess. if that is hard to believe then hear what the mare who sponsored me and paid for my pontification had to say.
“How are ponies and humans equal in terms of physical might? Well I know most scholars would immediately correct your phrasing and say very specifically that humans and ponies equal out in physical might. By that they mean that both species are superior than the other in different areas but overall are equal in the amount of things the other is superior in. In each field that a pony naturally excels beyond human ability in, there’s a field that humans excel beyond pony ability in that counters the previous field. For example, say I go out and kick a human male and send him across the room. That’s all well and good but that same human male could come back and scratch me up pretty good with his nails. Most people don’t know this but pony skin is very susceptible to tearing. We’re like diamond. If you try and break me by just pounding away I won’t budge but if you slice me I’ll give and bleed for hours. This is why we ponies are so afraid of creatures like timberwolves even though we can hit so hard. If a timberwolf manages to slash a pony it could be really bad. Sure humans can get cut as well but it is indeed easier for a pony to get cut and to get cut deeper. Just as how we can still get hurt from a punch, it’s just naturally easier for us to shrug it off. And there are many more situations like this. If we put a human and a pony up against each other to see who could withstand the most punishment and just started whacking away at them it would be the pony who would come out on top...for the time being. See us ponies have great pain tolerance but that doesn’t stop the actual damage and our bones are more akin to breaking than that of a human’s, Pegasi especially. It’s why you can see one pegasus mess up a maneuver, fall to the ground, shake it off and do it again but then you see another pegasus mess up on the same maneuver but just half a foot higher, fall to the ground, and end up breaking both their wings and a leg but still manage to limp to the hospital whereas a human might fracture their bone and become immobile from the pain. So yes, in the end, our two species do equal out……….What? Me, plan what I was going to say? Why I would never. I’m just good with words. I am glad that you’re putting me in your guide however. Don’t be shy, I’m not going to kick you out of the house for asking too many questions……...It was my pleasure. And I’d like to tell any humans reading this that we do love having you all here in Equestria and to please excuse our roughness at times.”
-Interview of Slate Saddle, head of the Hand-in-Hoof human-pony relations organization.
•Ponies are very touchy feely.
I cannot stretch the fact that ponies are very intimate enough. First physically and then socially. This is one you will definitely notice on your first day. For me it went something like this. I went through the portal, was greeted by ponies on the other side, and went to take a seat on a wide bench and wait for my sponsor. A stallion noticed that I had come out of the portal and said I had a look in my eye that gave it away that I was a humbrid. Then he sat down right beside me, leg against leg. I was a little uncomfortable but passed it off as a one time occurrence. After a chat I waved the stallion goodbye and adjusted myself so that I could lay on the bench. I levitated my phone and earbuds out of my bag to listen to some music and that was yet another big giveaway that I had come from earth and like a kitten to catnip a pegasus mare spotted me and trotted over. You can imagine my surprise when instead of sitting beside me or stopping in front of the bench to talk, she hopped up and laid right beside me. And this isn’t something that just happened because I’m a stallion and she’s a mare, no. Any pony will do this to any other pony. It’s not just ponies at the D.I.P.T either, this has happened to me all over Equestria. And laying beside each other isn’t the only or, in my opinion, most extreme case of ponies being casually physically intimate.
This is much rarer but when I was on an airship on my way to Seaward Shoals a mare came and sat in my lap. I was sitting on a chair how any normal pony would and this mare just casually hopped up and sat perpendicular to me in my lap and striked up a conversation. I’ve had a stallion sleep on me during a train ride, a mare I’d never met before share her drink with me using the same straw, and one of the most unexpected ones was during nightmare night when a mare asked me if I wanted to split a candied apple with her. I said yes and assumed she had something to cut it with. She didn’t. The mare bit the apple and raised it up before giving me a confused look. I explained to her that I was a humbrid and if what she was doing was some kind of custom, I didn’t know what it was. She then waved her hoof casually and said that to split it she would bite one end and I would bite the other and we just pull. If it didn’t split she said we could just eat it together. I now know this is a somewhat common thing to do.
This is when you start getting into how ponies are more intimate socially as well. Eating on Earth can be seen as a sacred thing. We don’t pick off each other’s plates without asking, we all usually have separate plates, and some of us even refrain from talking until the meal is finished. I think you can guess where I’m going with this. But for better insight, I went back to talk with my sponsor about the first formal dinner I had with her and her constituents from all across Equestria. I think it’s also important for you all to know that she was laughing for about a minute before she finally started talking.
“Oh that night was hilarious! I’m sorry, I’ll be professional. You want me to tell them about your first dinner here?........Okay. It began as a normal dinner. I made sure to sit you right next to-huh?..........Oh you want me to talk to the readers? Alright. I sat him down next to me to make sure that if he got nervous or had any questions he could ask me or in case my guests asked a little too many questions or if he got lost in the subject matter and needed filling in on specific equestrian history or topics. I made the mistake of sitting my Prench director beside him. The night went swimmingly for the most part. He was able to keep up with small talk and didn’t seem put off from answering some of the more personal questions about Earth. It was the third course however when I noticed he seemed uncomfortable for the first time. We were having hayburgers and fries and I was stupefied at what could be the matter. Hayburgers and fries are one of the most homologous meals to one of the most common meals on Earth! I picked it out just for him and here he was forcing a smile and shifting in his chair. I felt bad at first, I thought maybe the chef didn’t make it correctly or maybe it made him homesick. That was until I realized that even though my dinner guests were apart of my organization, it didn’t mean that they would adjust their behavior to accommodate him. More specifically, my Prench director. I watched him for a few moments and low and behold the problem revealed itself. Every now and again my Prench director would lean over and pick a fry up off of his plate. I can only assume he felt disrespected. It then escalated to the Prench mare taking the pickles off of her burger and placing them on the side of his plate…...…...You don’t like pickles on your burger? So that probably made it even worse huh?....Oh yeah, sorry. Back to the story. After the pickle incident I myself leaned over and asked if he was okay. He nodded and I took him on his word. It was the next course that equestrian table etiquette really got to him. It was the second to last course and spaghetti was being served. Yet another meal I chose because it was almost exactly the same here as it is on Earth. Half way through the meal however I looked over and yet again he looked uncomfortable, like he was sick. I watched him carefully for a moment and once again it was my Prench director who was to blame. Completely oblivious to his uncomfortable posture, she would lean over, bite one of his noodles, and then slurp it up quietly. I believe she did it because they both had different sauces for their spaghetti and she just wanted to share. And you, sorry, he was a proper gentlecolt. He never complained or gave her a dirty look he just sat there and tried to enjoy his food. Though, hehe, there was a last straw. Towards the end of the course both the prench director and the pony I sponsor leaned and bit down into the same plate at the same time. I remember watching really closely to see how he would react and at first it seemed like he would again let it be. That was until they both started slurping up the last noodle from their bites and it was revealed that they were both trying to eat the same noodle. His face went redder than a tomato! My mouth fell open in shock and the two of them just stared at each other. Finally, my Prench director gave him a playful wink and sucked the noodle out of his mouth. There was a moment's pause and then he pushed his chair back. The chair squeaked loudly and grabbed everypony’s attention. My sponsored stallion hurried out of the dining room and didn’t come back down for the entire night! And he was the topic of the rest of the night.
I had to explain to everypony as to why you left and my Prench director apologized. She was very sorry you know. I’ll admit, we all did share a laugh at your expense though. I’m sorry I didn’t tell you that Equestrians are so intimate at the dinner table. You forgive me right?...........Thank you. You’re okay with Equestria table etiquette now, correct?........Good. I personally do enjoy being able to share with those around me. I’m not sure how you humans eat and just stare at each other’s food………..So you do share food, you just ask before doing so? Over complicates things don’t you think?”
-Story from Slate Saddle, head of the Hand-in-Hoof human-pony relations organization.
The story above is a good example of just how different the casual table etiquette of Equestria is and by extension how socially intimate ponies are. My experience with the Prench director was certainly an extreme circumstance, it is not nonexistent. I really don’t think total strangers would do what she did to me with the noodle but picking off of each other’s plates and sometimes even sharing a plate is a commonality here in Equestria. But it doesn’t end with table etiquette. If you are having a picnic don’t be too surprised if a random pony comes and asks to join you. Not only with that but ponies aren’t afraid to open up to you and expect the same thing from you. Intimate questions about sex, political affiliation, religion, personal affairs, and so on are all fair game. Again, ponies want to get to know you and automatically treat you like a future friend. When they ask these kinds of things they’re not thinking of it as them asking some random person, they’re thinking of it in the sense that they are asking their friend to-be. This is also a facet of Equestrian society prime for abuse by humans and sometimes other Equus species. When a pony tells you these things, especially if you’re a stranger, they expect you to be decent and not judge them overly harshly or use whatever they tell you to hurt them. This by itself has already caused hundreds of ponies to leave Earth and come back to their home in Equestria because humans can be….well, crueler than ponies.
There is one mare who faced ridicule on Earth during her first day there when she mentioned her opinion on the current political climate there. This was during the first months of the portals opening and it was not a pretty week for pony-person relations. I believe she criticized the political climate of America as being uncooperative and mildly dysfunctional. Unfortunately, she was talking to a youtuber personality and it wasn’t long until it was blown way out of proportion. Death threats, insults, debates on the news,the whole shebang. By the end of the week the mare flat out couldn’t stay on Earth because of all of this. It was such a big incident that now ponies going through to Earth are given pamphlets on what and what not to talk to humans about. I’ll dive deeper into the social intricacies of ponies and their contrasts with humans but for now I’ll just tell you this so that you can use this knowledge during your first few encounters of the pony kind. When ponies say something that you may see as rude or offensive, it’s important to remember that rarely are ponies saying these things from a place of hate, bigotry, or prejudice. They are saying these things from a place of caring and tolerance. No interviews of that mare are allowed to be carried over to earth but in all of them it’s clear that she was only trying to get to know the human she was talking to and her criticism was not because she felt Equestria or Equestrians were superior to humans. Once again, this is an extreme case but they’re easier to dissect than the nuanced ones.
•Ponies use their mouths
This is one of the most widely known things about ponies but it’s a big one. You don’t really learn just how much ponies use their mouths until you’re here. This also helps us understand why a pony can, say, casually slurp a noodle out of somepony else’s mouth. On Earth, the mouth is a very sacred area. On Equus, it’s much less so. Because of the lack of hands ponies naturally went to the next best thing, their mouths. Some would have you believe that ponies grab with their hooves and yes, we can easily do that. Like, it still gives me pause at how easily I can pick up a pencil. But, our hooves are also how we move. Think of it like this, you need to pick something up and you have two options. One option removes the use of one of your feet while the other option partly removes the use of your mouth. I and every pony would agree that the second option sounds better. When sitting or stationary, we use our hooves. When on the move we use our mouths. We can walk on three legs but it’s awkward so we just use our mouths. Ponies also use the mouth for anything that requires extensive dexterity like writing, sewing, assembling things, using tools, the list goes on. Even for slightly unsettling things like making food. If you eat a burger here in Equestria and the maker isn’t a unicorn, they used their mouth on at least one of the ingredients. Are you starting to see why sharing food is way less of a taboo than on earth?
Mouths are everywhere, everypony has one, and no matter what you’re using, somepony’s mouth has either been on it or was used to make it. Here’s a little experiment you can do either on Earth or Equus. Go find a pony who doesn’t look busy or in a hurry at a vending machine or shop, anything that dispenses food and or drink. Now, before they purchase whatever they’re about to get go up to them and tell them that you’re about to buy the same exact thing and ask them if they would like you to buy theirs as well. Now one of two things is going to happen. The pony will either A, decline the offer for you to pay, buy their own and suggest you split it. Or B, they will accept your offer to pay, have you only buy one and suggest you two split it. It does not matter what the item is. If it’s a bottle of water from a vending machine or a gourmet meal at the finest dinner of all, this will still happen. Results may vary if this pony is with someone else at the time but if they’re alone, it’s guaranteed. No, I’m not psychic, I just have experience. Ponies see this as a friendship making opportunity. There’s a few factors that make this choice a no-brainer for ponies. First, you’re someone who was nice enough to offer to pay for their item. Second, you’re human. If you’re a humbrid like me simply let that fact slip and the effect is the same. Third, the culmination of the first two factors makes you a perfect candidate for friendship. Of course ponies don’t actually think this mechanically but you get the point. You’re nice and you’re new. Fourth, splitting the item will accomplish two things at the same time. By splitting, the both of you as a whole will lose less money no matter who buys the item, or in some cases if you two actually split the cost. And by splitting the item, this will pretty much force you two to spend at least a few minutes together and this is what the pony really wants. All of these factors together make this little social loophole a no fail solution to get to know a pony or just to see how open ponies are to sharing. If you don’t believe me I'm not surprised since I didn't at first either? At first I thought I’d just gotten lucky until it kept happening. So, I went around town and pulled some ponies aside to see how they would react to the following scenario:
You are about to purchase a bottle of your favorite juice but before you pay for it you get tapped on the shoulder by a human or humbrid. They then go on to tell you they are about to buy the same thing and offer to pay for yours. How would you react to this?
“A human? I’d take them on their offer to buy mine but we’d split it. I’d love to talk with somepony from earth!.....No way! Are you really!?........Yeah! I’d love to be in your book, that’s awesome. I’ll get to read it right?”
-Fairway, golfing extraordinaire.
“Humbrids are so cool! I’d buy the juice myself and then share it with them. Why?...........Oh my Celestia! I didn’t know there was a humbrid around here. I heard most of you stay closer to Manehattan and Canterlot……… I’d love to be in your guide. Can-can I say something to the humans?.....Sweet. Hello humans of Earth! Please come to Equestria. We all really really want to meet you and I promise we don’t bite.”
-Evelyn Expresso, local coffee shop owner.
“I thought they didn’t drink juice. Aren’t they all carnivores?......Oh! Well then I’d buy their juice. In celebration for them not being carnivores, ha. We could share the juice and just chat.”
-Twinklelight, currently studying movement of larger bodies via magical manipulation.
“We could just split it.”
-Plum Blossom, apricot farmer.
The mouth is far less sacred in Equestria. It honestly doesn’t matter what food or drink it is, a complete stranger is open to sharing it with you because their mouths are used for everything and throughout a pony's life there are a myriad of times when their mouth will be on something that somepony else had their mouth on. In school, ponies share their pencils and pens, both of which are used with the mouth. This fact alone can deter someone from Equestria, especially germaphobes. This is something you will have to get used to in Equestria because it is not something you can simply ask a pony to not do when they’re around you. But I do need to note that this can change when it comes to unicorns.
Unicorns in general are less intimate physically and socially, less likely to show you how strong they are, and less likely to use their mouth. Magic takes the place of most of this and it’s why unicorns are historically considered prudish and cold. This is not to say that unicorns won’t do any of these things and the vast majority of them will most definitely be very intimate anyway but they will hesitate to use their mouths and may give you a wider birth than the other races.
Now after learning all of this, I transition into the last difference between our two species that you will run into on your first day.
• Ponies, specifically mares, will hit on you.
Do you remember what the ratio of mares to stallions in Equestria is? 30 to 1. In a perfect world, a classroom of 31 students will have one stallion. But the world is not perfect, even in Equestria. This means that as mares grow up, some are in all female classes, or in some extreme cases all female schools. Depending on your location, stallions may be a rare sight for mares or a common sight. Major cities and the suburb towns surrounding them don’t have such drastic mare to stallion ratios because of how many ponies these places attract along with places that focus on job or career fields that are dominated by males like ports or mining towns. It’s the towns and select cities that don’t fit these descriptions that make the overall ratio disparity what it is. For example, Fillydelphia is a city but the stallion to mare ratio is drastic. The place I live in isn’t too bad and our ratio is 11 mares per 1 stallion. Knowing all of this, it makes much more sense as to why mares can be quite up front when it comes to males.
Walking around wherever you are can actually make this fact harder to believe. If you take a glance around in Manehattan you’ll see a good mix of mares and stallions and wonder what all the fuss is about. This is because the job market in Equestria is quite even when it comes to hiring mares and stallions. The average business hires 60% mares and 40% males. This means that as ponies commute to and from their place of work you see this percentage reflected in the ponies on the streets. I will explain the finer intricacies of the economic situation in Equestria and how hiring like this doesn't end with a mass epidemic of jobless mares later in the guide. It also doesn’t help that most carriage pullers are male. There are a very small amount of taxi companies that go off of the gimmick that all their pullers are mares but the mass majority of taxis in cities are pulled by stallions or at least a stallion and mare team. I recommend you to go to a park, pool, club, or if you can, major event like concerts or celebrations to see the real difference in numbers. These places are recreational and will show just how many more mares there are than stallions. The first time I went to the Nightmare Night festival in my town I was blown away at just how many mares there were. It’s almost intimidating.
Going back to my initial point, mares can be almost aggressive when it comes to males. They’re acutely aware that males are in high demand but in low supply so running into one that’s free is a once in a month chance. They also know that males from earth are far more likely to be single. You won’t have to worry about mares waiting outside the D.I.P.T to kidnap you but if you’re a human and you’re male, expect to get the interest of more mares than stallions. They’re already curious about earth in the first place and you being a male is just a plus. Humbrids are even more, quote un-quote, valuable so depending on if you want more or less attention from mares, let it slip if you’re a humbrid. Luckily, you can always lie and say you’re taken if you don’t want the attention and thankfully there is no way for anypony to tell if you are a humbrid aside from looking at your government documents. As for human males, you’re a little out of luck. I’ve heard from humans and mare themselves that they may not immediately believe you if you say you’re taken already. But no worries, they won’t ever go any farther than asking you out. Mare suitors have never been anything too obstructive in my life and it’s extremely pleasant to be reminded at least once a week that a mare would like to date you. And in my personal opinion, I suggest you take one of the mares who ask you up on their offer. But I do know that this can be too overwhelming for some people, both girls and boys alike. Be sure that you can deal with this behavior from mares before committing to a long stay in Equestria.
This is your moment! If any of the above makes you overly uncomfortable to the point where it distracts you from enjoying this amazing land, head home. Equestria is not made for everyone and you shouldn’t feel guilty about not liking it here. It would be better for you to stay where you are comfortable. I also warn you not to jump the gun either. You should only leave if these things affect you to the point that you can’t function or your functioning is severely hindered by these things. You shouldn’t leave just because you’re not used to so much attention from mares, you should only leave if so many social interactions and so much attention gives you paralyzing anxiety. Don’t leave just because you don’t like someone touching your food, only leave if others touching your food genuinely disturbs you and keeps you from eating. I encourage you not to be too hasty in leaving but also not too hesitant either.
With that, I end this portion of the guide. Next, I will discuss your first week in Equestria and settling in for your stay here in the land of ponies. I will also go in depth into the social intricacies of ponies in and outside of the workplace and how these behaviors came to be along with the implications of these behaviors.
Fun Fact: It's a staple for ponies to save their food. If you were to open up a random pony's fridge and look inside, it will most likely be filled with leftovers from eating out. This trend has been around for a long time but became mainstream with the invention and proliferation of a charm that freezes the decay of food over time. Unlike freeze dried food from Earth, charmed leftovers retain the same taste and quality they had when they were first charmed. All that's required to remove the charm is heat, usually from an oven. So don't be surprised if you're invited over to a friend's house to eat and your friend, who's cutiemark has nothing to do with cooking, pulls out a gourmet meal.
