Chapters "And Then Rainbow Dash Was a Colt," and Ten Other Really Awkward Stories
Chapter 1: And Then Rainbow Dash was a Colt
"And Then Rainbow Dash Was a Colt," and Ten Other Really Awkward Stories
As requested by Cereal Velocity. (Sorry for the delay. [and for mistaking you for Sethisto];)
By: Piquo Pican Pistachio Pie... and alt-tap
Clop clop clop clop
Buck
Thud thud thud
Clop clop clop clop
Buck
Thud thud thud
Applejack may not have been the most musically inclined pony, but there was a certain kind of rhythm to bucking the apples. It was her favorite part of her life. Simple, rhythmic bucking.
Clop clop clop clop
Buck
Thud thud thud
Clop clop clop clop
Buck “AAAPPPLLLEEEEJJJAAAAAAHHHHH”
Thud thud WHUD-D-D-D-D
Applejack was accustomed to Rainbow Dash's sudden arrivals, but this one put the turkey in the hen house. Crashing into AJ was like crashing into a mountain, and Rainbow Dash knew exactly what crashing into a mountain felt like. But few mountains were capable of giving advice to help a friend in need, and that was what Dash needed right now.
“Rainbow, ya' better have a darn good reason ta be crashin' inta me like that while I still have apple trees to buck!”
Rainbow was vibrating with panic, like only the best pegasi could. She was trying to explain why she crashed into AJ before she got bucked by the angry farmer. “Applejack I need your help! I can’t go to Twilight cause she'll tell the Princess and I can’t tell Rarity cause she'll try to dress me up again and I can’t go to Fluttershy cause she'll run away and I can’t go to Pinkie cause she is Pinkie and I really really really need help and you’re my best friend!!!” Dash ran out of breath, collapsing on top of Applejack. An impressive feet for a crashed pegasus.
While the farmer tried to untangle herself from her best friends six awkward limbs she found the wherewithal to question Dash’s perspective of their mutual friends. “Dash! First off you know your friends arn’t like that, well, other than Pinkie.”
“Yeah.” Said the tangled Rainbow deeply. “But still feel more comfortable around you cause this is just awful.”
The farmer looked up at her cyrulian friend now that the tangle of limbs was largely delt with. “ What in the hay is go'n on he... eee... rrr, uuumm? Dash, what's wrong with your face? What’s wrong with your voice?" yelped Applejack as panic and realization set in. "Wh, why are you a colt... WHY ARE YOU A COLT!?"
Applejack froze. What's poking me?
"You’re lying on top of me. A colt is on top of me. Get the buck off of me!” Applejack bucked like she had never bucked before. A cliché term but an apt description of Rainbow’s intimate introduction to a nearby tree.
“Kh-hah, at least that landing was softer.”
Applejack continued to shriek and thrash on the ground in a ten point colt cooties panic.
“AJ stop, you bucked me off already. AJ I said...” Dash brushed the off the stick that had been poking her in the stomach. It took her a second to think staight, something normal after meeting a tree head first, but a few seconds later she finished processing what her blond friend had said before being plowed into a tree. I'm a colt? How can she tell? What's the difference anyway? I never really thought about that... Wait a second, I remember my dad saying something about a mare’s place being in a kitchen before he left us. Does that mean I never have to try to cook again? I hope so, I hate cooking. What was I asking again?
An apple landed on Rainbow's head.
Oh right, AJ. Nope, still thrashing. Right, I don’t have to cook anymore. Well that’s a plus. I wonder what else this means. “Hey AJ, you ok?”
While panting Applejack looked down at Dash from the top of a nearby tree, slightly shaken. “Um... No. What in tarnation happened to ya'?”
“I don't know, I just woke up with a square face.”
Applejack waited for dash to complete the story, but he never did. “And?”
“And, I flew over here for help...”
“That's it?”
“Umm, yes!” Rainbow smiled, confident in his answer.
“Dash ya don't just fall asleep and wake up a colt.”
“Ohh right, how can you tell I'm a colt? Is it the square face?”
Applejack could only stare down at male Dash. Finally something clicked in Applejack’s head. She extended a hoof to point accusingly at Rainbow and gracelessly fell out of the tree, breaking several branches and murdering an apple along the way.
Dash walked over to Applejack who sat on a pile of murdered apple, and tree. “You done yet, AJ?”
“Gimme a second.” Said the farmer amidst several frustrated grunts. “Ok, I'm done. And, uh, can ya' help me outta this here mess?”
“Sure?” Rainbow lent a helping hoof. “Now, how can you tell I'm a colt?”
Colt? Dash is a colt, a colt is helping me up!!!! Stay calm, calm, It was only ever that one stallion that ever caused you problems, I don’t need ta’ generalize. Besides Bucky and Kicks will buck and kick the applesauce outta the mean ol’ colt if I need ‘m to.
As soon as Applejack was free, she violently let go of Dash and backed away. “Okay, Dash, you want to know how I know you’re a colt right?”
“Uh… Yeah!” Rainbow took a step toward Applejack.
“Ya’ know what the differences ‘tween a stallion and a mare are right?” Applejack backed up.
“… One has a deeper voice and doesn’t cook!”Dash stepped forward.
“Ehh, no. That's not it at all.” Said Applejack, stepping back. “Well deeper voice yes but…”
“So it is the square face then.” Rainbow stepped up.
“No Dash! Well yes, but tha…” Applejack stepped forward to meet her rival before retreating in fear of the oddly familiar colt.
“AJ, do you even know what a colt is?” Dash followed the farmer under the CMC clubhouse.
“Course I do.” Applejack backed around a tree.
“Then tell me!” Rainbow followed, exasperated.
“If you stop interrupt’n me for one gosh darh…” Applejack circled the tree backwards.
“Ok I’ll stop.” Dash interrupted, continuing to follow AJ.
“No I mean STOP!” Applejack backed into the river.
Rainbow stopped at the water’s edge. “AJ, you know you’re in a river right?”
Applejack started to float down stream. “I may have noticed.”
Dash leapt into the air spreading his legs and wings as the wind relieved him of a bit of stress.
Applejack stared at the muscular colt flying overhead, unable to look away. She, her… That stallion jus’ don’t know what she’s doing, he … “Gahhh!”
Rainbow looked back in time to see Applejack turn red in the apparently cold water. Oh no is she hyperthermic? I must save her! “APPLEJACK!” Rainbow yelled as he dashed down to help her. “Don’t worry, I won’t let you drown!”
“I ain’t drownin’, ya carrot headed colt.” Applejack continued to float.
Dash stopped, hovering inches from Applejack’s face. “But you’r turning red from the cold water! Doesn’t that mean you’re hyperthermic?”
“Stop just, stop Dash le’me splain… And get your that outta my face!” Applejack pony paddled to shore.
AJ’s hat, where is it? Maybe if I rescue it she’ll be happy with me again.
Applejack got out of the pleasantly cool river, and turned to look at Dash. Rainbow, however, was nowhere to be found, until Applejack looked behind her. There, in all of her, his glory, was Dash, holding Applejack’s hat with his mouth expectantly.
“Umm, oo-kay.” I can do this, just reach in slowly, open my mouth, grab the hat carefully, and pull slowly away from the nice colt.
Rainbow Dash had never seen Applejack so startled, or move so fast. Applejack had tugged so hard that part of the hat had ripped and was now hanging from Rainbow’s mouth. Dash quickly spat it out.
“Now will you tell me what the difference is between circles and squares is?” asked Rainbow impatiently.
“Stallions and mares, but sure, look between your legs.”
“Whoo, what is that? Why is it growing.”
“Okay, too much information there Dash.”
“Too much information about what?” Dash asked innocently.
“Anyway, that there is the main difference between a stallion and a mare.”
“Wait, but, what do mares have?” Rainbow looked up from his investigation.
What do mares have? “Rainbow, how do you not know these things?”
“Wait, you’re a mare, let me see your… whatever for a second.”
“Ohhh no you don’t. Them is what we like to call private parts.”
“Come on AJ, just let me see it.” Dash began circling Applejack, trying to get a look. “It’s not like you don’t strut around town without your rear end out for all to see any way.”
AJ circled Rainbow. “Dash, you’re an idiot, so I’ll let that comment about my rear end slide. No you can’t see it.”
“Fine, don’t show me! Chasing you is kinda fun anyway.” Dash said with an unsettling grin.
Applejack sat down assertively. “That’s even worse!” She took a breath to calm herself. “Ok, you know all foals have a mom and a dad?”
“Ya.”
“Well, all moms are mares and all dads are stallions, and they have the… parts. And when a mare and a stallion love each other, they can get married and have a foal.”
“Oh, is that where foals come from? What does that have to do with this extra leg?” asked Rainbow obliviously as he circled the blushing AJ.
“Dash you are irrefutably a’ idiot, it’s that extra leg that makes you a stallion.” Applejack replied, eying the predacious Rainbow Dash.
“Really?” replied Dash as he looked between her legs again. “Wait, if that’s like that then where do I pee from?” asked Rainbow looking up curiously.
“Ya’all pee from that there leg. I don’t know the specifics, and I don’t wanna know. So if you figure that out then keep it to yourself, k.”
“Uh, deal.” Replied Dash looking up with a blush.
“Dash, are you actually embarrassed?” AJ accused.
“NOOO WAY!” Dash said defensively.
“Dash, as the element of Honesty, I'm calling bull.”
“Well what are you going to do about it, grab me by the horns Miss Rodeo?”
“Hey personally I think you could do with a little humility. Seriously though you can’t go around like that.” Applejack said, putting a hoof up.
“Yeah I know. Bad PR could really affect my chances of getting into The Wonderbolts.” Rainbow stated seriously. “Besides, waking up a different gender has already affected my flying skills.” Applejack cocked her head. Dash explained, “Colts have really heavy faces, and they’re not aerodynamic at all.”
“That’s when you figured it out isn’t it.” The farmer smiled.
Rainbow blushed. “…maybe.”
“How about I just go get Twilight and you can hide in my barn. Don't worry, I'll Pinkie Swear her to secrecy,” said Applejack taking pity on Dash.
“Thanks, AJ you’re the best,” said Rainbow putting a hoof on Applejack’s shoulder.
“Uhhh… you’re welcome. But don’t touch me,” said Applejack pushing Rainbow Dash away.
Author's notes.
Author's Note
While this is not my first fanfic, this is my first fic that I feel is good enough to post. Please feel free to point out errors and suggestion.
RAINBOW DASH IS NOT DUMB, the message in the story it to talk to your kids about sex so they know what the hell is going on. If you keep reading you will see that.
Again, big thanks to the actual editor timaeusTestified and Some Person for editing this chapter. Meeester also helped a lot.
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"And Then Rainbow Dash Was a Colt," and Ten Other Really Awkward Stories
Chapter 2: And Then Twilight became, Curious…
"Dash, don’t worry; I’m sure Twi can fix this. If not, then I know the princess can."
“'Don’t worry,' I said,” mumbled Applejack. “'I’m sure Twi can fix it,' I said. But I ain’t ever heard of no gender-swapin' wooogeewooog magic like this, unicorn or otherwise. An’ why did it have to go being so big? I mean, other stallions can hide theirs, why can’t Dash?”
Ponies were used to seeing AJ walk through town grumbling to herself, but many paused at Applejack’s blush.
“I just hope Dash will stay out of the action for once in her life. Maybe take a nap in a tree or… hopefully the barn. I wouldn’t want Applebloom to find dash in her tree lounging position, all stretched out and, oh here’s Twi’s library. That didn’t take long at’ all. Musta' had my head in the clouds. Guess Dash has it easy, making me walk all over who haw while she gets to take the day off and lounge. Lay out for a nap stretched out...”
As AJ waited for somepony to answer the door, she developed a small blush. The longer she anxiously awaited an answer, the larger the blush grew. It developed from a small cherry on her cheek into to a rose petal and radiated into a full blown colleague of Reds covering everything from the edge of her orange country nose to the tippy top of her now flat twitchy ears. AJ closed her eyes as she slowly began to hyperventilate. Her head turned slowly down and to the side revealing her golden mane covered neck to any who could tear their eyes from the dainty pawing of her left front hoof or the awkward dance of her hindquarters.
“CONGRATULATIONS, APPLEJACK!” smiled Twilight to a startled Applejack. “Come in and tell me all about the lucky stallion!” Twilight’s eyes wiggled something fierce as AJ was magically pulled into the tree house.
“Oh hey Applejack, what brings you here?” said Spike walking in from the kitchen.
“Girl talk!” replied Twilight maniacally rubbing her front hooves together while standing on her hind legs before sharply looking toward Spike, “and they’re not things a young impressionable dragon need worry himself with, so why don’t you see if you can go help Rarity with something?”
“OHH-Kay!” replied Spike eagerly running out the door.
“Now tell me,” said Twilight to a very confused Applejack, “who’s the lucky stallion? Oooohh I can’t believe my first stallion talk is with you, AJ; I always imagined it would be with Rarity or Pinkie Pie but good on you.”
“Wait, how do you know about this kinda’ stuff Twi?” Asked a confused Applejack, “I mean I know you're well-read but I didn’t expect you to have read up on this kind o’ topic. Not that I'm complaining or anything.”
Twilight blushed. “Actually I’ve only really gotten interested in this particular topic for the past couple of weeks. I’ve tried to get to know some ponies in the past. but I never really understood much of it, being such a loner and all.”
“What’s being a recluse got to do with this?” Asked AJ now utterly confused.
Twilight looked at her friend with a hurt frown. “AJ, you know I didn’t know much about the magic of friendship before I met all of you. It wasn’t until recently that I understood how everything interacts on a much deeper level. How was I supposed to understand males before I even understood what…”
“Wait a sec shug’,” Interrupted Applejack with a hoof. “Are you telling me the magic of friendship did this?”
“What else would have that kind of power over ponies?” Replied Twilight, “I would have thought that was kind of obvious.”
“I ain’t nooo magical well-read unicorn Twi, but that ain’t the point. Can you, you know,” Applejack waved her hoof in circles trying to find the word, “reverse it?”
“Reverse it?” asked Twilight completely lost.
“Yeah reverse it, you know turn it back to the way it was?”
“Applejack?” asked a confused Twilight. “I don’t think that’s the kind of thing that could or should be reversed.”
“What do you mean shouldn’t be reversed? This is terrible, Twi! Rainbow's never going to be the same again!”
“Wait... RAINBOWDASH WAS YOUR FIRST!?” exclaimed Twilight with shock. “How does that even work, I mean without a Y how does your X, you know?”
“WHOA WHOA whoa their shug. What do you mean my first?” asked Applejack completely confused.
“You mean Rainbow’s not your first? But then what did you want me to reverse? Was it Rainbow’s first? Is that the problem?” rambled Twilight questioningly. “If it’s Rainbow’s first I still don’t think it should be reversed, I mean it is nature’s way and all, I think.”
“Ok now I know were talking about two different things here Twi cause their ain’t nothing natural about what happened to Rainbow Dash!” Exclaimed Applejack slamming her hoof down.
“Well if it’s that exotic then don’t tell me; I don’t think I'm ready to know about it.” said Twilight backing up slightly.
Applejack gawked at Twilight.
“I mean I am still new to this and I was kind of expecting something more,” Twilight paused “normal.”
“DASH GOT TURNED INTO A COLT, TWILIGHT, WHAT IN EQUESTRIA IS NATURAL ABOUT THAT?” Applejack yelled in furious confusion.
“Hey, I don’t care who the colt was.” Stated Twilight putting her hoof down defensively. “You're all still my fr-Ohhh, is that what you want help with, you want things between you and Dash to go back to normal?”
“TWILIGHT, DASH HAS A HOOHAH!”
“A what?”
“An attachment.”
“Oh, that makes sense I guess.” Stated Twilight after a short awkward pause. “Where did you buy it, or did you make your own?”
“TWILIGHT SHE IS ALL NATURAL. TWO APPLES AND A BANANA, A MIDDLE LEG, A NOODLE AND CHEESE, A DURIAN WITH SALT SHAKERS, A HUM DINGER AND TWO DINGLING HUMMERS, TWO CHERRIES AND A STEM!” Applejack was yelling, at a very stunned Twilight. “TWO PEAS AND A POD, A WUB CHUB, TWO WHEELS AND AN AXIAL, A ONE EYED SNAKE. SHE HAS A WHOLE KITCHEN SINK TWILIGHT, TWO NOBS AND THE FAUCET. SHE IS A STALLION, TWILIGHT!”
Several seconds passed.
“I have to admit, Applejack, I am impressed, . My book, 1001 Unique Euphemisms for You and Yours’ Inadequate Intimate Initiations, didn’t have most of those.”
Applejack stared at Twilight.
“Actually, I should be more impressed with how Dash gained the necessary equipment," as Twilight spoke, she had a far off look in her eye. "Would you mind telling me?” inquired Twilight.
“We don’t know. She just crashed into me this morning and had a Go-Gurt stick where her yogurt cup should hae been.”
“So it replace her, uhum, lady parts?”
“Let’s just say she doesn’t pee sitting down anymore.”
“Is it a complete genetic transformation, or just the reproductive system?”
“Complete gewhat now?”
“Genetic, as in all Y chromosome related changes?”
“Why what?”
“Does she have a square head?”
Applejack facehoofed. “Yeah, yeah she does.”
“Then she has probably been turned into a male at the genetic level.” said Twilight
“Can you change her back?” asked Applejack.
“No, but I can research a way.” Said Twilight ponderously tapping a hoof to her chin.
“I thought you had been reading up on this kind of thing?” asked a concerned Applejack.
“Nope, I’ve been reading up on romance. With the look you were giving I thought you either just had your first time, or something similar,” explained Twilight.
“Nope, just awkward as all giddy up. Creeped out too.”
“Oh... I see.” Twilight said somewhat confused and saddened. “I was really excited to share some mare talk for the first time.”
“And you thought I wanted to share my first time, is that it?” asked Applejack.
“Yeah, I’ve never really talked about it before, you know, outside of a biology class or something."
“Let me put it to you this way shug. I ain’t ever had no first time, but if I do, and I want to talk about it, I’ll make sure to talk to you first.”
“Really?” asked Twilight with a wide grin.
“Really really.” Said Applejack placing a hoof on her friends shoulder before they shared a hug.
“Thanks Applejack, you’re a good friend. Speaking of which, where is Dash staying?”
“What do you mean?”
“If she were to fly around all over the place, someone would see her. A lot of Ponyville’s residents like to watch her perform tricks, so I know she would be noticed.” Twilight said worriedly.
“I guess she could stay in my barn, though I need to get that door fixed.”
“That should work. Rainbow is really lucky to have someone like you to rely on.”
“She’s more luckier to have a brainy know-it-all like you for a friend. Can you imagine the chances anypony else would have if this happened to them?”
“Well," said Twilight clopping her hooves together awkwardly. "Celestia actually holds special, private audiences for ponies with odd magical conditions or situations. Most ponies actually get fixed faster than in Ponyville because Celestia assigned that task to me for this region, as a learning experience. Anyway," said Twilight bashfully, "let's just say that I'm still learning. On the upside, ponies can lay low and don’t have to go days out of their way to see the princess, so overall the satisfaction is nearly the same.”
“Wow, Twilight, that’s great. Anything I can do to help?”
“Help? You already said that you don’t know much about magic, so is there something else you can think of?”
“Look, I just want Dash back to normal and out of my barn; she ain’t got the decency required to transport specialized equipment if you catch my drift.”
“Ahh. No tact or just can’t keep it out of sight?”
“Neither!”
“How bad?”
“Classic Pegasus, right in my face.”
“Oh dear. How close did he, I mean she, get?”
“Let’s just say I was backed into the water by the clubhouse.”
“Wow, that’s bad.”
“Eeyup.”
Lets all give a big round of applause for our editors Meeester and timaeusTestified. You guys rock
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"And Then Rainbow Dash Was a Colt," and Ten Other Really Awkward Stories
Chapter 3: And Then Big Macintosh Confused Applejack.
Applejack’s walk back to the farm took much less time than usual, or so it seemed.
“Appaloosan Waffles, why can’t I get Rainbow out of my head.” Grumbled Applejack, as she went back to buck’n her beloved trees. Soon Applejack began to feel more relaxed. Her beloved apple trees were always there for her to work off some of the tension.
“I should probably go tell her she’s gonna have ta stay here a while.”
“Who’d ya say is staying here AJ?” asked Big Mac curiously from behind Applejack.
“Oh… uh Rainbows having some troubles and is going to be staying in our barn, fer a while...” replied Applejack with a shifty eyed blush.
“Oh, that’s nice.” said Big Mac with an honest grin. “But what seems to be the problem?” It must be a serious problem. Applejack never lets anypony inta her barn.
“It’s… um… marbles. You don’t really want to know, and to be frank, I wish I didn’t.” replied Applejack with her head hanging low, wobbling too and fro.
“Oh, that’s too bad, maybe I should go check on her. Where is she?” asked Big Mac with concern. How do marbles force a pony out of their house?
“NO, I mean... no she’s fine but it will be a' couple a’ days till she can go home.” explained Applejack poorly.
Big Mac raised a knowing eyebrow backed by a lifetime of brotherly experience, and a trace of confusion. She doesn’t know, does she.
“Look,” Applejack asserted, “she is having a problem right now and just needs ta crash in our barn and have some privacy fer a few days till it gets sorted out. I'm also not one ta blab.”
“You know I fancy her right?” Mac persisted, “Ifn’ there’s anything I can do to help I'd like to give it a shot.” And that way she'd owe me one.
Applejack's eyes shrunk momentarily while she tried to form a coherent thought. “Then definitely don't go in there. And don't ask any more questions. And trust me this is fer the best, I know I can't look at Rainbow the same way. Her mare troubles are way out of my league.” Applejack lied obviously.
Big Mac ignored the obvious lie, passing it off as nervousness about something. Oohhhhh mare troubles. I thought we were talking about marbles... “Oohhhhh!” that’s a little wild fer my tastes, but if marbles make her happy then whatever.
“Mac?” asked Applejack with a concerned expression, “You OK? Ya' seem to have one of those far off looks in your eye.”
“Eeup.” said Big Mac, back in the moment. “Just trying to figure out how marbles fit into all this. Hidin’ in our barn seems a bit extreme but whatever floats her boat, I guess.” Ya know, I’ve never been on a boat before, I wonder if’n they are romantic?
“Mac, I know you live on the farm but I woulda' thought you knew marbles was one of them euphemism thingies for mare troubles.” explained Applejack.
Huh, so (Mare troubles - e trou = marbles) I’ll remember that. What would stallion troubles be?
“So, would that make stallion troubles, stables?” asked Big Mac.
“I don’t rightly know Big Brother. Marbles is kinda’ mare slang. Ya know, gossip talk.” Applejack said. “If you’re curious then why don’t ya ask Rarity? I’m sure if anypony would know it would be that galloping gossip.”
Big Mac nodded, “Yeah, maybe I will, I know she wanted to have me model for a new tux design this week.”
Applejack's eyes shrunk momentarily while she tried to form a coherent thought. “You, modeling for Rarity? What brought ya round to that fascistnista?”
“Well,” said Bic Mac casually, “she said that a lot of stallions in Canterlot are larger than most Ponyville stallions. Since she is a rising star or some such in Canterlot she needs to work on her stallion designs. She offered to pay for a trip to the spa if I helped her work on designs that fit a larger build as it were.”
“A trip to the spa? As in my big brother, the biggest hardest working farm stallion, was bribed into modeling for fancy outfits for the rich and famous, by a trip to the spa?” questioned Applejack in dumbfounded apprehension.
“First off sis,” said big mac as he closed his sister’s mouth, “we don’t want birds nestin’ in yer mouth. Secondly, yes. I enjoy a good spa treatment now and again. Hard workers like me and you could always go fer a massage to keep us loose and our muscles from crampin' up. I’ll even admit to liking a steam and a mud bath.”
“Do ya ever, you know, get a facial or a hoofacure?” asked applejack dismissively twirling a hoof in the air.
Big Mac turned his head away with a blush. “Only when I feel I deserve it.” He said with a straight face that blushed under Applejack’s scrutiny.
Applejack suddenly smiled playfully. “Well that figures I guess.”
“How so?” said a wary Big Mac.
“I mean ya never been able to beat me in a rodeo, wrestling match, or applebucking contest.” smiled applejack with profane intent. “Maybe you’re the mare in this here familial unit.”
Big Macintosh stared straight at Applejack. Don’t make me do it AJ. I will if it’ll put you in your place but I’m begin you, don't call me on this. “Y’all wana put you bits where your mouth is?” asked Big Macintosh with his best poker face.
“Name it!”
Dang it!
“We each name the stakes. You name the contest BUT," emphasized Applejack, prodding Big Mac in the chest, "it has to be something stallions actually compete in." Applejack grinned cockily. “If I win you have to make breakfast, lunch, and dinner for the family and Rainbow Dash, take over my chores during the next bull fights so I can go to Las Pegasus, AND give Applebloom the birds and the bee’s talk. She can still come to me with questions if she wants but ain't no good with this sort of thing."
Big Macintosh grinned. If she wants to do this the hard way, then fine! “Fine! If I win you have to go over to Rarity’s, ask for her to join you for a day at the spa on you, get a full treatment, and NEVER EVER challenge my stallionhood again! Oh and you have ta give Bloom the talk."
“Deal!” declared Applejack spitting into her hoof. Big Macintosh did the same before they slammer their hoofs together.
“Now, what’s the contest I’m going to best you at!”
“We are going to see who’s is bigger!” stated Big Mac straight faced.
“Come again?” said Applejack confused.
“Males,” explained Bic Mac in his standard matter of fact tone, “like to see who is the bigger stallion. Often this is done when we are young or drunk but we can skip the drinking.”
Applejack spent a full 20 seconds looking at her brother in abject horror before looking down in defeat. “You win. I think it was a dirty trick but I’ll hold my end of the bargain.”
“AJ!” exclaimed Big Macintosh with mock surprise. “Are you saying you give up, you’re not even going to try?”
“Mac, you know darn well I can’t compete with you in that sorta’ competition. AND ya know stallion's... well little stallion, freak me out. There's no reason you have to be a bad sport about it.”
“Really?” Inquired Big Mac with a raised eyebrow. “After all your hussin’ and fussin’ over the years about winning almost every competition we have ever had you think I’m going to just let this opportunity slide?”
Applejack grimaced, admitting to herself she had this coming according to the Apple Family sibling code of honor.
“Cause you’d be right… I apologize for my behavior. I guess I got caught up in the moment.”
“Say what now?” asked a confused Applejack.
“Well after all I am the bigger stallion.”
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"And Then Rainbow Dash Was a Colt," and Ten Other Really Awkward Stories
Chapter 4: And Then Stallionosity was Mandatory.
“Rainbow?” called Applejack, “Rainbow where did you go?” Applejack was getting frustrated. Dash was nowhere to be found; Applejack hoped she was not off getting in more trouble.
“Consaurn it!” exclaimed Applejack, catching her hat just in time to keep it from running away again. “Darned wind, stealin’ my hat, making me out like an idjiot,” chuckled Applejack to her own bad joke. Still wish the darn pegusi would stick to their schedule. Maybe when RD gets back in charge they’ll get it into…"
“MY HAT!” yelled Applejack as she leaped into the air after her father’s prized possession, catching nothing but air. Turning around Applejack spotted Rainbow hovering overhead just below some apple branches.
My eyes. Thought Applejack turning away.
“RAINBOW, YOU GIVE ME BACK MY DADDY’S HAT RIGHT NOW!” yelled Applejack.
“Or what, you’ll miss me again?” teased Dash as she landed gave Applejack several raspberries.
“Thanks for the rubus." said Applejack turning back toward her friend. "But seriously give me my hat back or you can go and help yourself.”
“What?” asked a confused Rainbow.
Applejack sighed, “Raspberries are a member of the rubus family, and I am grateful for your berries since I have been galloping myself ragged trying to help you. You ungrateful pigeon-hawk.”
“Hey, peregrine falcons are awesome, thank you! And I knew raspberries were a fruit from the rubus family thank you very much!” exclaimed Dash.
“They ain’t fruit, they’re berries,” corrected Applejack.
“And I was talking about what you meant by saying I can go help myself,’” explained Rainbow ignoring Applejack.
“Oh…" Applejack blinked, "I want my hat back. I have been helpin’ ya’ and you took my hat. I want it back, so I threatened to not help you if you don’t give it back.”
“Relax filly, it was just a prank,” said Dash as she tossed the hat back to Applejack. “I’ve actually been following you for a good ten minutes trying to knock your hat off with wind and not getting you to notice, but I got bored so I just took it, sorry if it bothered you.”
Applejack deadpanned, “You mean to tell me that I have been out here for the past half an hour looking for you when you were right behind me?”
“Well duh,” replied Rainbow.
“You… I… never mind just come with me to the barn,” conceded Applejack.
“Deal!” said Dash. “By the way how long did Twilight think it would be before she could use her magic to, uh, unmagic me?”
“I don't think she knows sugar cube,” conceded Applejack. “It might take a couple of weeks ta’ be honest. In the mean time you can use my barn ta’ lay low.”
“A COUPLE OF WEEKS?” said Rainbow throwing her hooves in the air, “I can’t wait that long! I have bills to pay, and the metabolism of a pegasus is not cheap to feed.”
“Well what do you suggest?” asked Applejack.
“I don’t know, maybe I could switch to night duty. No, that won’t work; we still receive our orders in a room beforehoof. Maybe Rarity could make an outfit that could hide my square head?”
“Besides needin' to hide more substantial problems than your face, that’s actually a pretty good idea,” though Applejack out loud.
“It is? I mean, yeah it totally is.” said Dash. “We could pass it off as a training suit. So when do you think you can go get Rarity to help out?"
Applejack sighed “I don’t rightly know dash, I got ta’ make some more headway bucking the apples in the south field and cleaning out the barn. It might take a couple of days.”
“Or," suggested Rainbow in a inappropriately normal voice, "you could send Applebloom to go get Rarity and invite her to dinner as an excuse for Rarity to help me,” suggested Dash. “It would be worth it for me to pay for Applebloom to pick something up in town for everypony. You know as a thank you and for imposing. I could also help with the apples, even if I am slower at it than you."
“That would be mighty nice of you dash, but I don’t want Applebloom ta’ get involved in this at all. We haven’t even had the birds and the bee’s talk yet and I don’t want to have to explain this mess as well.”
"What does the birds and the bees talk have to do with, what was it, gender swapping whoesawhatsit." asked Rainbow Dash innocently.
"'What does the birds and bees talk have ta do with it!' Rainbow, that's the whole thing. The birds and the bees talk is all about gender differences while mucking around." said Applejack, pointing a hoof accusingly at Dash.
"I think you must be talking about a different bird and bees talk." said Rainbow passively.
"Well, what talk are you thinking of?" asked Applejack curious.
Dash took a moment to compose her thoughts.
"The bird and the bees talk my parents gave me was about advantages and disadvantages to flight styles. Most birds have fixed wing flight. This allows them strong even strokes and gives them the ability to glide. This allows birds to fly long distances and sore higher than bees. Bees wings move horizontally and can rotate which allows them to push down on the air when moving both directions. Their strokes are jerky and short. They can maneuver better but they can't fly long, or high. Since bees get thrust on both strokes they also use less energy to hover but more to fly. Pegasi can train to ether be more maneuverable or have longer stronger flight but the muscles for either control or strength interfere with each other a bit. The aerodynamics of a colt make it a little harder to maneuver so most of them focus on strength and endurance. Mares tend to focus on maneuverability. I focus on speed and maneuverability, but I can't maintain a high speed as long as other fliers."
"And you say you're not a' egg head." Applejack teased.
"No, I use to say I was not an egg head. But that was before I found the Daring Do books." corrected Rainbow defensively.
"I'm just teasing ya Dash. Anyway we're here. You clean out the barn so you can stay all comfortable like. Then head to the south field and start collectin' apples. I'll put out a' cart and some baskets. If ya see or hear anything, hide. I'll go get Rarity and see if she has time." Applejack said confidently.
"Yeah, Yeah. I'll get it done in no time." said Dash dismissively.
"I'll be back in two bits of an apple bite, shug." said Applejack as she turned away.
Rainbow Dash smiled as the Applejack sauntered away. Huh, wonder why I suddenly like the look of Applejack's.... "What is wrong with my fifth leg!"
"Hi! Applejack are you looking for my sister cause I think she's in the dungeon?" greeted Sweetie Bell with excessive enthusiasm.
"Yes... I was," Applejack frowned., "did you say," Applejack gulped, "dungeon?"
"Yup!" Sweetie Bell smiled excessively brightly. "Hey Applejack, what's a dungeon?"
Applejack twitched. "Do you think you could, uhhh, tell her to come to the farm later for a measuring? Please?" asked Applejack timidly.
"Oh we could go get her right now." said Sweetie Bell with excessive exuberance, "She doesn't mind when Pinkie Pie or Fluttershy go down for her. Sometimes I even get to help them." the filly stood beaming, displaying a very fine looking rainbow tinted clear gem on a necklace with a inscription, FOR MY LSBFF.
Applejack felt unsure of her situation and pondered the frailness of her remaining psyche.
"It's safe so long as we don't enter the blast chamber." Sweetie said as she walked into a bush, near the front door.
"Umm why are you in your sister's bush?... Blast chamber?"
"Cause that's where her secret door is, duh!" Sweetie Bell rolled her eyes and threw open a inconspicuous door. "And blast chambers are never safe, rule number 3!"
Applejack sighed. "I guess I should get this trauma over with so I can deal with Rainbow Dash."
Sweetie Bell's ears perked up with sudden worry. "Whu… what happened to Rainbow Dash?"
"OHHHHH No! I am not scaring you or any other filly. What happened to her is just plain wrong.
'Plain wrong?' 'OHHHHH No' something bad must happened. I got to go tell the girls.
"That's terrible." said Sweetie Bell with honest worry. "Listen I need to go do some, crusading with the girls, so I'll leave you to Rarity's experiments. See ya!"
Applejack stared off after the speeding filly. Wonder what kind of hay is in her bonnet? I never even got to compliment her on her necklace. Rarity mustu’ made it for her. I should remember to compliment her on it, Rarity as well. I am glad they’re doin’ better. Oh well, might as well get this over with. Applejack thought, gulping before descending into Rarity's secret door.
Applejack descended the stuffy stairway nearly straight down. Soon after the beginning of the decent, she came to one of the weirdest rooms she ever saw. The room was small and included a simple bench, small refrigerator, a carton of bottled
"Pure Fortified Mountain Spring Water. Bottled by Unicorns, for Unicorns
because you deserve the best."
Applejack would have missed the shower if she had not run into it. The shower was impressively hidden despite the green shower head and handles. Next to the shower hung three coat hangers on a handle. The first was empty; the second sported a hideously thick orange rubber full-body suit with industrial grey and black joints for easier bending. The head portion was a large round cylinder and was connected to a small air tank. The suit confused Applejack to no end. It was obviously too small for an Alicorn, yet it had space for both wings and a horn. It also looked like nothing Rarity would ever let near her, much less a place she would frequent.
The third suit was a matching small, filly-sized suit that only had room for a horn. It was probably baggy enough for most young pegusi though. Next to the suits was a three part industrial washer, a large medical Cabinet, and what seemed to Applejack like a laundry chute that was bolted closed. A red banana looking contraption hung on an equally red looking hanger with small gems and a connecting equally red wire. A locked cellar stood unused in the back corner next to a well-used "tools" closet, and a desk. The opposite wall was bare.
Too bad I don't know what this stuff is for. Thought Applejack as she left the room othrough a large, thick metal door on the other side of the room. "Now that's just silly, why would Rarity need two doors in a row just to go between two different rooms? And why does this one also have a washer n' three more showers? What in the hay is wrong with that silly mare, this just don't make any since at all."
Applejack had to close the door she came from before she was allowed to open the second door to continue down a well-lit winding staircase. She noticed how there was just enough room, above and to each side, to avoid brushing against the surprisingly powder covered walls. Applejack took a moment to stare at the rainbow of powder that permeated the walls. The dust glimmered less strongly in the air but was still there. In the light from small, powerful gems the dust caught, and reflected a living kaleidoscope that tickled Applejack's nose, making her want to sneeze.
A good five minutes of walking down the steep stairs brought Applejack to another set of large metal doors. She could hear what she could only describe as a magic sound. With a gulp Applejack opened the door.
On the other side stood a metal bunker with a crystal viewing plate at eye level. Below was a metal bench just the right height so a filly could see through the viewing plate. Off to one side was another metal door.
The sound in the room was much louder and seemed to be coming from the floor. Looking through the viewing plate Applejack saw a medium sized room. One wall was metal, with a door leading from an invisible room that connected to the door Applejack was standing in. In the corner of the room between the metal wall and the wall Applejack was behind stood Rarity behind a metal barrier.
Rarity was encased in one of the orange suits and was concentrating heavily. She was projecting a very bright, almost solid, line of sharp, red-tinted white light from her horn. Applejack shielded her eyes from the stream of light with a hoof in order to see. The light headed directly at a large red ruby, suspended by the sealing by glass rods.
Applejack waited to knock on the glass to get Rarity's attention. It took Rarity about fifteen seconds before she stopped the magic, panting heavily.
"Howdy Rare!" said Applejack, waving at her friend.
Rarity did not respond, instead trotting over to view the gemstone that now had a turquoise spider web pattern around it.
"RARITY!" Applejack yelled, pounding on the glass.
Rarity still did not respond as she picked up the Ruby with her magic to get a closer inspection.
Applejack stomped in frustration as she put her hoofs down from the crystal viewing port.
At this Rarity paused and looked back, seeing Applejack in the window. Rarity's pupils shrunk. She bolted for the door, pushing a large, unusually pure, deep blue Celesite crystal. A strong hissing sound could be hear from the room. After a few seconds the Crystal was left pale grey.
Rarity hurriedly threw open the door with her magic before rushing in to the unseen room, closing the door behind her. A few seconds later Rarity threw open the door to Applejack's viewing location.
Rarity began pulling Applejack with her magic as she rushed up the stairs.
"Quickly!" Rarity shouted, muffled by the suit she was in, "We've got to get you decontaminated darling, hurry!"
Applejack knew the word decontaminated was never a good thing and jogged to keep up with Rarity's awkward running. By the time they reached the top, Rarity was obviously winded by the heavy suit. Applejack was was even beginning to feel a burn in her lungs.
Rarity threw open the door, pulled Applejack in, closed the door, shoved Applejack roughly into the shower and hosed her down hard.
"Ga, hhcah chock. Ra-III-deeuhh. SPO-pp!" gargled Applejack, nearly drowning.
Rarity remover her suit, wriggling while she pulled with magic, while simultaneously keeping the shower on Applejack. Rarity held her suit under the second shower while she washed it down quickly, before throwing it into the wash along with Applejack's hat.
"My hat!" yelled Applejack as her mane covered her face.
"I'm cleaning it dear don't worry. I am terribly sorry about all this Applejack. Normally I wouldn't be so rough with you on your first time, but I am in a bit of a hurry. Now please tell me, in all seriousness I do need to know this dear, is there any chance you're pregnant?" Rarity rattles off casually, while dumping copious amounts of a white, sticky shampoo, onto Applejack's tail and mane.
"No I'm not pregnant. Why would I be pregnant? There aren't any stallions in my life!" blurted out Applejack with a single breath. "Why would it matter anyway? And what's with this white stuff your spreading all over my mane and tail?
"I was working with magical radiation to change the properties of a ruby darling." explained Rarity, gently messaging the shampoo into Applejack's scalp and coat, "Exposure to enough radiation can have side effects. Since you decided to join me without protection, which is rule number one, I had to rush you up here and clean you of any lingering radiation. I simply couldn't live with myself if you lost your mane or tail..."
"I COULD LOSE MY MANE AND TAIL? WHAT THE HAY RARITY! WHAT THE HAY WOULD BE WORTH YOU, OF ALL PONIES, RISKING YOUR MANE?" yelled Applejack before taking the shampoo tube and shooting more onto her back.
"Well that's certainly one way to get the job done I suppose." Rarity said before taking some shampoo for herself. "Anyway, my cutie mark is three diamonds. As such, I am exceptionally skilled when it comes to gems, particularly rare gems, as well as discoveries related to gems... It's why the outfits I make with gems are so exceptional. Anyway, I was talking with Twilight a few months ago, and we got on the little topic." Rarity began explaining as she turned off the showers before toweling Applejack, then herself, off."
"I mentioned how it was unicorn alchemists who first discovered they could change the magical properties of gems. They would enchant the gems and sell them to nobles who had them put into their Cheongsams and changshans. Those were trendy clothing for a time just after they were brought back from..."
"Just get to the point Rares." interrupted Applejack.
"Ahheeemm, right." coughed Rarity before leading Applejack to the first room underground. "Unfortunately science was all but non-existent during that part of history. Both the alchemists who made the enchanted gemstones, and some of the nobles, became sick from radiation poisoning and died. The poor budding industry crumbled like one of Pinkie's 120% sugar cookies and all but a few tricks of that trade were lost to history. The gold silk that I make from time to time is one such example."
"Fortunately for me, Twilight had access to some old books the princess had. They gave me a starting point. Science also provided a much needed insight into safety, purity, and scientific procedures." Rarity beamed opening the medical cabinet. "I am literally reinventing a lost art."
"Well that's swell Rarity, but why would it matter if I was pregnant?" asked Applejack now mostly calm.
"Ohh, um, I don't think you have to worry about that ever again." said Rarity smiling and shoving a few pills into Applejack's mouth. "Just swallow and don't go traipsing around any scientific laboratories for a while and you'll be fine."
"But what woulda' happened?" persisted Applejack.
"Oh well, historically radiation exposure would cause miscarriages or birth defects, but you probably would have been fine since you were behind a lead and jet barrier." explained Rarity with dismissive shake of her hoof.
"That's terrible! How do you stay safe if that chamber?" asked Applejack worriedly.
"Oh these suits are made of lead and jet to block radiation and magical energies. The enchanted rubber prevents any caustic chemicals I work with from dissolving the barrier. I used ultra-purified phenacite for the faceplate as well as the viewing port in the barrier. I also don't use Ionizing radiation which is more likely to cause a pony problems. Now," said Rarity as she pulled out a smooth glass tube from the medical cabinet with her mouth and set it down. "I am going to check to make sure you don't have any lingering traces of radiation."
Applejack gave Rarity a worried look and began to back away.
"Now now," said Rarity pouting, "I am doing this for your own good. That's no way to treat a friend."
"I think I'm fine Rares. Yup fit as a fiddle." Applejack said, overenthusiastically stretching.
"Nonsense this won't hurt a bit." Rarity smiled happily.
"Um, you sure?" asked Applejack passively.
"As your brother would say, Eyyup." Rarity imitated Big Mac perfectly.
That seemed to calm Applejack down. I'll remember that. Thought Rarity as Applejack acquiesced.
Rarity had Applejack stand as if she were posing for a medical photograph. Legs wide apart, and sticking out from her body a little. Tail held slightly out from her body, head high but not with her snout in the air. When Rarity deemed the stance acceptable she began running the rod across Applejack's body. Beginning with the neck and back.
Rarity rubbed the rod on the outside of Applejack's body, noticing that she was very uncomfortable with the situation. She also seemed to tense every time the rod neared her rear end or face.
Rarity put the rod down. "Now Applejack, I can see that this is making you very uncomfortable, so I will avoid more sensitive areas as you do appear to be clean. That being said, I need to check your face, so please close your eyes."
Applejack tensed but complied, scrunching her eyes closed as if they would pop out otherwise.
After a moment of checking Rarity put the glass rod down. "Looks like you are clean dear. Now if you could please tell me why you felt you had to enter my laboratoire," Rarity enunciated with a french accent, "without proper protection?"
"Well, I didn't know I needed any protection. Also Sweetie Bell said it was safe as long as I didn't enter your blast chamber."
"Ahhh yes, well Sweetie Bell should have helped make sure you were protected. For that matter, where is the little dear." Rarity asked with mock concern.
"I think she went crusading. It was right after... AHHHHUUUU rotten corn cobs." swore Applejack.
"Excuse me but there are ladies present." said Rarity backing up.
"Sorry. But I just realized, Sweetie ran off right after I mentioned something was wrong with Rainbow Dash."
"Something is wrong with Rainbow Dash. Why did you not say that first?"
"Cause you was busy rubbing me down." said Applejack with a blush.
"Why Applejack, are, are you a lover of fine mares?" Rarity grinned.
"I am a lover of a good rub down, but that's beside the point. We gotta hurry and go to my barn right now!"
Rarity blushed and hid behind her hoof. "Why Applejack, I think you're being a bit forward. I may be a young, beautiful mare close to heat, but I have a standard I need to live up to. Perhaps you should ask one of our other friends to..."
"RARITY I NEED YOUR HELP WITH DASH!"
"A menage a trois was not what I had in mind AJ. Moreover congratulations on you and Rainbow Dash. I always thought you would be so cu..."
The sound of two hoofs stomping echoed in the chamber.
"I SWEAR THE NEXT PONY THAT THINKS I AM SLEEPING WITH RAINBOW IS GOING TO GET A FACE FULL OF HOOF!"
"I'm teasing darling, teasing, no need to get your nethers in a weave. Now what is wrong with our beloved Rainbow Dash?"
Applejack took a moment to calm down. Realizing she that she would have to explain the situation, Applejack began to blush.
Rarity prodded, "Well, out with it dear. It must be something big and juicy to make an experienced farmhand like you blush."
"I am not experienced. I didn't even really like it!" snapped Applejack.
"Dear I was not referring to your troubled past. I know you don't want to talk about it, nor do I think it reflects poorly on you. Every pony makes bad choices."
Applejack huffed.
"I am truly sorry love; now please let us move on. What seems to be the problem with Rainbow?"
Applejack sighed. "She turned into a stallion and needs your help to hide it."
"Excuse me AJ, but I thought we were moving on from the lude humor." said Rarity poignantly
"Eeyup."
"Then, you’re serious?" Rarity said as she sat down, confused.
"Eeyup."
"But, like, I mean such as, well, fully?"
"Eeyup."
"Like, everything, um, south of the boarder?"
"Noope,"
"Noope?"
"Eeyup."
"So not down below?"
"Noope, I mean, eeyup down below as well."
"As well?"
"Eeyup."
"So, everything?"
"Why chromosome and all."
"Huh."
"Eeyup."
"Is her..."
"Yes, her face is square."
"Square or a rectangle?" asked Rarity.
"Well, more of a rhombus really." answered Applejack grudgingly. "Why does it matter?"
"I presume you want me to make some sort of outfit to hide this. Why else would you come to me for help? I need to know in order to help me plan her outfit."
"Well when you put it that way, I guess it was kind of obvious." said Applejack embarrassed.
"I, just don't know what I could really do. I mean the, mhmmm, nether region is one thing, but Rainbow's face will be a problem." Rarity scratched her chin with a well-manicured hoof.
"I thought of that on the way here Marshmallow."
"You did? I mean, how so?"
"Weights." stated Applejack. "Rainbow said you can make it a training outfit to hide the changes. By adding weights she could also train in the suit to help her become stronger."
"You know, that could work." thought Rarity out loud. "She could claim to be learning about gender differences in flight.
"Well, that right there makes sense I guess."
"Hmmm," mussed Rarity, "I guess I should visit the library first and pick up something on flight suits. I really am not that knowledgeable about sports uniforms.
"Sounds like a plan." said Applejack "How bout you do that and I'll head off our lil' sis's plans, make sure their not aiming for RD or nothin'?"
"Sounds like a plan dear. I'll be sure to bring your hat when it's decontaminated. I have to make sure everything here is good before I head out, I'll see you in... how about an hour?"
"Sounds good to me. See ya Rares." Applejack gave Rarity a hug before heading out of the underground lair.
Rarity stood waving until she could no longer see Applejack. "Finally." Rarity said, bolting for a hidden panel in the wall. With a magical push, to a gem behind the wall and out of sight, Rarity smiled. In seconds a seam formed along a large portion of the ceiling. Rarity began to giggle as a large rainbow quarts tiled screen descended.
Each screen displayed a different image. Many were of the large underground facility. One consisted of an image, bouncing along the road to Sweat Apple Acres in a little red wagon being pulled by a purple manned orange filly. The final few images showed the blast room. A red rainbow ruby glowed like a disco ball, slowly turning in its glass holder.
“Excellent.” Rarity whispered, standing on her hind legs as she began rubbing her hoofs maniacally. “Soon my experiments will bear the fruit I need to humiliate those who would stand in my way.” as Rarity began cackling her left eye began to twitch and rotate, almost as if it was looking for itself.
Applejack kept a solid eye trained to the sky. She didn’t want Rainbow to pull anymore pranks. She just wanted to get this over with and have a nice long bath, lazily sitting in a steaming tub. The only movement, her mane and tail in the warm water, slowly wafting back and forth as she breathed the steam in slowly. That is what Applejack longed for.
She needed an escape from all her worries; an escape from the rhombus Rainbow, the studious student of scientific study, the fascistnista of fabulous fashion, the big brother of brilliant betting, even the her alluring apples of amazement.
A blue hoof began poking Applejack in the side, waking her from future reverie. “Hey Applejack, you mind moving so I can clear this tree?” Dash asked politely.
“Well of course Dash.” said Applejack with a smile. “That was right polite of ya.”
“Yeah, I’ve been feeling kinda’ different since my face became square.” said Rainbow as she bent her legs and gave one nelly of a buck.
“Nice bucking there, partner. Been working hard I see.” Applejack said, smiling as the apples fell rhythmically into the barrels. How much have ya got done?”
“Oh, about 200 trees." Dash circled. "I tell ya, this is a workout. I knew you worked hard, but gosh, your legs must be built like iron AJ."
Applejack blushed. "Awww... go on I'm still listening."
Rainbow grinned and lifted one of Applejack's front hooves. "I mean look at these things, they certainty aren't just for show. Not that you couldn't model them in a magazine."
Applejack pulled her hoof slowly out of dashes. "Ok there partner, I think that's enough."
Dash lost her grin but left the Twinkle in her eyes. She didn't freak out that time, why does that make me so happy? And why in the hay is my fifth leg actin up again?
"Anyway 200 is a decent number for three hours. If you help me tomorrow, I should be caught up." Applejack said walking toward the barn. "Rarity is on her way and should be here in," Applejack looked quickly toward the sun, "about two shellackings of a rowdy rodeo clown."
"Uhhh, how long is that in, um, numbers?"
"About 10-15 minutes."
"That's not too bad." said Rainbow
"She'll meet us at the barn." Applejack smiled. Then I can take that bath.
The two trotted tranquilly through the trees. Neither really felt like talking, joking, or challenging the other, a rare occurence for the two friends. It was rare enough that they began to question their situation. Dash didn't feel like talking; there was nothing for him to talk about. Applejack still felt nervous around her friend. But it felt a little bit different now. Actually, now that she though about it, she wasn't comfortable, but there was also a bit of a butterfly feeling. It reminded her of something she did not want to remember.
“So, how’ve ya’ been?” Applejack suddenly asked.
Rainbow looked over, curiously with a dash of surprise. “Hmm, about 200 bucked apple trees since you saw me earlier today. Why’d ya ask?”
“Well, you’re going through a lot of changes, and I know things could be a bit scary, and no one has really gone though what you’re going through. But I guess I want you to know that you can talk to me if ya’ need to talk to someone.” Applejrack confessed. “You’re probably my best friend, and I care about you.”
“Thanks AJ, that really helps.” Dash said looking away with a blush.
“Absolutely, now is there anything bothering you?” Applejack prodded.
“Yes.” Rainbow confessed with confidence.
“Well, what is it?” Confronted Applejack
“I don’t think you want to hear it.” Dash attempted to stare down Applejack.
“Rainbow, I just spilled my heart out to make sure you could trust me, and NOW you're holding back?”
“Yes.”
“Why, or would the answer be best kept to yourself!” Applejack asked rhetorically.
“Probably but I’ll tell you why I won’t tell you about what’s on my mind.”
“WELL,” Applejack yelled “WHAT IS IT?”
“It’s about this fifth leg.” Rainbow deadpanned. “I know you’re not comfortable around it or talking about it, and I can tell when you think about it too much cause your eye gets all twitchy.”
Applejack kept her right eye from twitching only by sheer will. She did note that it still quivered, and how Dash smirked as her eye was drawn to Applejack’s own. The smirk on Rainbow’s only helped Applejack to think about that which shall not be contemplated.
“Hey Rarity,” Dash smiled while Rarity caught up, saddle bags stuffed with any number of implements .
“Ohhh myyyy!” Rarity exclaimed. “Applejack didn’t tell me, though I guess I should have guessed, but you make a dashing stallion.”
“THANK YOU!” Rainbow yelled flying up into the air. “I have been waiting for someone to say that, like, forever. But Applejack,” Rainbow turned and motioned to Applejack, now turned away from the revealing pegasuseye, “freaks out every time she sees my…” Dash stopped, realizing she was, again, revealing herself. Rainbow landed, blushing at Rarities slack jawed shock. “Yeah that.” Rainbow stood, looking down, pawing at the ground.
After a moment Applejack turned around, walked over to Rarity, and closed her mouth. Seeing Rarity was still in shock, Applejack put her left hoof on Rarity's shoulder, stood on her hind legs, and cuffed Rarity across the face.
“Better.”
“Y… Yes, thank you Applejack. That was, unexpected.” Rarity tore her eyes away from Rainbow to look at Applejack. “Are, are you smiling?”
“Could be, might be I wanted to cuff you fer a while now. For a friendly reason mind you.” Applejack blushed.
“Ohhh, you cad you.” Rarity smiled. “Anyway, come darling,” Rarity gestured to Dash, “we must get you seized out of the public eye.
“Why's that?” rasped Rainbow with barely restrained giggles.
“Let’s just say that some, specific, measurements have to be exact lest, chaffing will be but one of your worries.”
“What?” Dash asked confused. “Applejack what… ohhh…” Rainbow looked at Applejack, seeing the telltale twitching eye.
“OHHH I get it, cause it changes sizes when…”
“NO!” interrupted Applejack. “Have some decency and wait till we get to the barn before you start talking about your oven lighter!
Dash turned to Rarity mouthing ‘oven lighter’?
Rarity looked at Rainbow. “She means your harry darling.”
“Mu harry what.”
“Guh, your harry. As in Harry and the Henderson’s.” Dash shook his head. “No?” Rainbow shook his head. Rarity took in an exasperated breath. “Your, mhhhmmmhhmm, bistouquette? Service trios piéces? Verge? Bander? Sexe? Popaul? Zizi? Beroute? Vit? Tuff snuff? Loo shooter? spanner her? Penis? Bosser? Duff bluff? John Thomas? Knob? Docker? Bells and whistle?” Rainbow continued to shake her head. “Bite?”
“Bite what?”
“Le sigh!” Rarity exaggerated dramatically turning to Applejack. “Is this what you’ve had to deal with?”
Applejack fruitlessly tried to hide her ever reddening cheeks. “Um, worse.”
“Worse? How could he be worse than that?”
Dash stomped in front of the two mares. “I am right here! Rude much?”
“Ohhh, sorry Dashie darling.” Rarity pathetically placated. “But, you just don’t know anything about stallions do you?”
“Hey, I know some things… just, not, the words you're using.” Rainbow defended poignantly.
“Dash she said P… P… PEEE… PENIS!” Applejack yelled, blushing furiously, momentarily covering her mouth, “Um, if you don’t know that word, then you don’t know.
Rarity giggled.
Hey," Applejack turned, pointing a hoof at Rarity, "you know what happened, you see if that happens to you and see if you end up normal!”
“Applejack, you're flustered, please let us leave this topic of conversation.”
“Suits me. Sides we're here.” Applejack said rounding the bend ahead of her Friends before stopping suddenly. “HEY MAC, WHAT BRINGS YOU HERE.” Applejack called, way too loud, and way too obviously. Just in case, she shoved Dash away with her tail.
“Look’n fer you.”
“Good day to you BIG Macintosh.” Said Rarity with her winning-est smile. “I am afraid I will have to put off our fitting till next week, but I already have a spa treatment paid for with Aloe and Lotus.”
“We could all go.” Mac said simply.
“HAHAHA, surly, mhmm, you must be joking." Rarity giggled, "I’ve been trying to get Applejack in for years, but she is as stubborn as one of her trees.” Rarity barely managed to contain her giggling.
“Actually Rares,” said Applejack pained, “I lost a bet and am going to treat you to a spa treatment, AFTER this stress with Dash is done and over with.”
Rarities jaw hung open. Big Macintosh closed it. “Speaking of, I assume Dash is behind that tree.”
Applejack sighed, sticking a rear hoof over Rainbow’s mouth to keep her quite. “Yes.”
Bic Macintosh looked flatly at his sister. “Mmmmkay then. I’ll let Applejack arrange the spa day with you Rarity, pleasure as always.”
“Good day Macintosh, see you soon hun.” Rarity waved the red stallion off.
“Gosh AJ, you didn’t need to be so forceful keeping Big Mac away from me.” said Rainbow after wiping the dirt off her mouth.
“Look, my brother is interested in ya’ Dash, and I DON’T want to see him hurt by this.” Applejack explained, knowing Dash likely didn’t have a clue about what was going on. "I’m sorry if I overreacted, but ya’ need ta’stay away from my family, you got that?"
Dash rolled her eyes, “Yeah yeah, look I just want to get this weight suit, so I can get back to training and go back home.”
Rarity looked aghast. “Rainbow, Applejack just informed you that Big Macintosh, one of the most attractive stallions in town, has taken a romantic interest in you, nd all you can say is you want to get back to training?”
Rainbow sighed. “Look, I’ve never been interested in mushy kissy stuff. It just is not as much of a thrill as flying through Ghastly Gorge, diving for a thousand feet, or even taking off.
Rarity and Applejack exchanged a quick look before replying in tandem. “Wait, you’ve kissed before?”
Dash nodded. “Yeah, back in flight school a bunch of ponies tried to get all romantic with me after my Sonic Rainboom. I liked the attention, but none of them could keep up with me and kissing, while fun, just wasn’t really satisfying. More frustrating actually. I think we were too young and probably doing it wrong because It just felt like it was building up to something that would never come.”
Rarity and Applejack stood slack jawed. Rarity was the first one to come to become lucid enough to ask a question. “Tell me darling, did you make out with mares or stallions or both.”
“Hmm.” Rainbow thought back. which confused Rarity. Tt was, after all, a simple question.
Rarity was about to follow up on the awkward silence when Applejack spoke up. “What do you mean kissing mares? I though only stallions and mares could kiss and, romantic stuff? Isn't the same gender stuff just a joke ponies say to each other?
Rarity sighed. “It’s called lesbianism darling. It’s not very common or accepted amongst ponies, at least not public displays. But some creatures, ponies included, develop an attraction to their own genders.”
Applejack, emotionally exhausted, couldn’t help but ask, “How, um, how can a pony tell if they are a lesbian?”
“Well,” Rarity said intrigued, “Females are referred to as lesbians, males are gay. Both are a type of, ohh what was that word, homosexuality. In either case, the difference is a natural attraction to the same gender as opposed to the opposite gender. The way I had heard it, the easiest way to tell is if you kiss someone of the opposite gender, and like it, you are a heterosexual, which means attracted to the opposite gender. If you dislike it you might be a homosexual or, more often amongst ponies at least, just aren’t attracted to that particular pony. But if you kiss somepony of the same gender and like it, you are most likely a homosexual. Of course this only applies if you are not interested in the other gender. Truth be told some, like myself, are actually interested in both to an extent, but I prefer stallions over mares. It’s just so much more, um, fulfilling.
“I didn’t need that last part, but I guess that makes sense.” Applejack said, wishing Rarity could have left out some of the details.”
“OHHHHHH,” exclaimed Dash, “I think I get it now. I would be, what is that word Rarity?” Rarity looked confusedly at Rainbow, shrugging before Dash remembered, “Straight. I would have been straight. I liked kissing the stallions more than the fillies, though I guess I liked that too.”
“So then,” Rarity prodded verbally, what do you think of Applejack’s brother?” Rarity grinned at Applejack’s awkward shuffling.
“Well. I think I used to be more interested in him.” Rainbow pondered. “But now that I think about it, I’m not really feeling interested in kissing him or being romantic and stuff. I mean, besides kissing being kinda’ boring, I just don’t see myself kissing him or any other square face I can think of right now.”
Rarity turned to Applejack mouthing ‘square face?’.
Applejack suddenly felt a bolt of fear chill her to the bone. “Uh, Rainbow. At this hear point and time, are there any mares that you can think of that you might want to, um, kiss and stuff with?”
Rarity saw where this was going. “Yes, it’s possible that your um, tastes, as it were, may have changed along with your gender.”
“Huh,” Dash pondered blankly in thought. “I guess, yeah, YEAH. Now that you mention it I could see myself kissing you two,” Rainbow casually added, “and Spitfire from the Wonderbolts as...” Dash paused suddenly looking between her legs again.
“Hey, why does this thing keep one growing and shrink... Hey AJ, where ya’ going?”
“Home, you two do your thing… with measurements… for the awww ya’ know what just forget it I don’t want ta’ be a part of this mess no more.” Applejack blushed furiously as she stomped away.
“BUT AJ,” Rainbow called, “YOU SAID YOU WOULD HELP ME WITH THIS!”
Applejack stopped, head down, turned around and yelled “YES, AND I WILL, BUT YOU DON’T NEED ME HERE RIGHT NOW!”
“OHHH, OK.” Yelled Dash. “I’LL BE IN YOUR BARN THEN, ALONE. OHH WAIT, RARITY WILL BE WITH ME, IN YOUR BARN FOR A WHILE THAT IS.”
Rarity punched Rainbow in the shoulder. “You don’t have to heckle the poor dear.”
“Relax.” Said Rainbow with a cocked head. “It’s just fun, no harm done.”
“Rainbow Dash, Applejack is very uncomfortable with Stallions. You shouldn’t bother her like that!”
“Why does she have a problem with stallions?” asked Dash.
“That,” said Rarity poignantly, “is Applejack’s concern. Now, I feel we should get to the measurements, after you my dear.”
“Ladies first.” Said Rainbow opening Applejack’s barn door.
“My my, such a gentlecolt.” Said Rarity, obviously impressed.
“Ehhh, as long as I’m a stallion I guess I should act like one.”
“A very appreciated attitude, given the circumstances.” Rarity affirmed.
“It’s also the kind of thing that stallions would do for me when they wanted a Piece of the Dash.” Said Dash, blowing it.
Rarity chuckled richly. “A piece of the Dash?”
“Yeah,” said a slightly offended Rainbow, “like when they wanted to make out and stuff.
“Ohhh my,” said Rarity feigning alarm, “Well I can certainly see why. That being said, I hope you don’t think I would be interested in such amusements. I do have an image to uphold.”
“Yeah yeah, but ya’ can’t blame a colt for trying. At least that’s what they would say when I turned them down.”
“It’s a good line, saves face.” Rarity added digging into her saddle bag.
“Um, you're going to give me a cool outfit right, something like the wonderbolts? OR, OHH yeah, the chargers. They have the best uniforms EVER!” Dash declared, flaring her wings with a wide grin.
Rarity finished pulling out a measuring tape from her saddle bags before declaring. “Absolutely darling STALLIONOSITY IS MANDATORY. Now, spread your legs dear…
...OH MY!”
My longest chapter so far. Longer than the first three combined. The chapters from now on will be longer sense the plot, lawl, is becoming more complex. You might be asking how that is possible. The answer is I don’t know. I actually do, it happened when I planned the whole thing out, but I do not know how it got their way back before I started chapter 1.
Random notes pertaining to this chapter.
Celestine, and all other mentioned gems, are real. Some people feel celestine belongs to the spiritual groups and feel it is associated with cleansing and air.
Radiation is actually used to purify gems, and change there color. It was not stated but hinted that even the hardness of quartz could also be changed.
Cheongsams and changshans are Chinese outfits that I used solely because of their name. You can find out more about them here on Wikipedia
The lines
Dash paused suddenly looking between her legs again.
“Hey, why does this thing keep one growing and shrink... Hey AJ, where ya’ going?”
Were responsible for two spilled sodas before posting. Pre-readers dirty more keyboards that way.
Speaking of pre-readers who spilled their sodas at a dick joke. Meeester provided a lot of great edits. So be sure to thank Mr. Meeester.
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"And Then Rainbow Dash Was a Colt," and Ten Other Really Awkward Stories
Chapter 5: And Then Pinky Wanted to have Fun, but Fluttershy has a Good Excuse.
"Ohmygoshohmygoshohmygosh! I can't WAIT to see it." Rainbow said, hugging Rarity with a special kind of vigor.
"Calm down darling, calm down." Said Rarity pushing Dash off of her. "If you don't get off thenI can't present it to you properly. You're like a dog, and my outfit, your bone." Rarity said as she finally managed to get the excited stallion off her leg. "Here you go, one Charger hoofball team, and Wonderbolt inspired weight training suit."
"Thankyouthankyou thank- you?" Rainbow cocked his head. "Weight suit? As in, there are weights in the suit?"
Rarity stepped back, as if offended. "Why, yes . A weight suit, didn't AJ tell you? She thought a weight suit would suitably account for your change in appearance. It would also help you train, keep your strength up as it were. I would imagine it would even help you understand the differences in flying styles between stallions and a mares."
"Rarity," Dash poignantly pointed at the pitiless purple-maned pony, "do I need to give you the birds and the bees talk like I gave Applejack?"
"I think the question here dearie is: Do I , need to give you the birds and the bee's talk? Because I am fairly certain you have no idea what you're talking about."
Rainbow blushed. "Hey, I've been reading up on things, biolgomy, and scientography, and stuff from some books Twilight found at the library. Besides, did you take into account the weight distribution in flight? Cause if it's done wrong. it would do the exact opposite of training, I might even get hurt or hurt somepony else."
Rarity harrumphed. "It took me quite a bit of study, and several attempts, but it should fit the bill just fine dear. You need to learn to trust me; as I do know what I'm doing. I also shaped the weights to mimic extra muscle because frankly darling, a weight suit was never a look that was in in any season."
Dash sighed, "I know I should trust you. It's just-." The cyan pegasus sighed. "I've been here for days unable to fly. If I end up in the hospital again, well, let's just say I already read the Daring Doo books twice."
"I know this has been stressful darling, but worry not for you will be able to fly free momentarily." said Rarity before revealing the flight suit with a flick of magic and perhaps a little too much sparkling dust.
"Wow!" Squealed Rainbow. "Rarity, this is undoubtedly one of the most awesome outfits you have ever made."
"Really?" said Rarity, eying the uniform as if she had never seen it before. "I mean, I know I did a good job on it, but it is kind of a standard uniform, with a bit of extra venting of course. And it has personality but not..." Rarity interrupted herself to look for the source of some snapping sound from deeper in the orchard.
"It's, awesome!" yelled Dash, startling Rarity with his flaring wings. "I've never seen you make anything so cool before. I, just... thank you!" Rainbow grabbed Rarity and pulled her into a bear-crushing flutterhug before kissing her quickly on the cheeks, smiling his best pinkiesmile the whole time.
Before Rarity could slap Dash, Rainbow dashed for the barn to try his new suit on.
"I'm-- just going to walk away." Said Applejack from the bushes.
Dash darted through the dense clouds. The evaporating condensation adhering to his rapidly flexing muscles kept them cool like a heat sink. They had to work extra hard because this suit must weigh at least 50 pounds thought Rainbow, straining to gain speed.
Once Dash felt he was going fast and high enough he tried a simple aileron roll. As Rainbow began rotating in the air, he had to struggle to fly straight. The weight from the suit was balanced enough that it did not cause him to careen sideways, but his damndable square head was throwing him off.
All right Rainbow Dash, you can do this. Maybe pull my wings back a bit to counter balance. Pulling back, like I should have done with Rarity. Darn, I can't believe I kissed her! Guess I should apologizelater. Now let's see if I can master this aileron turn.
Dash accelerated. Pulling against the extra weight in his suit Rainbow managed to reach his target speed as he burst through a pleasantly cooling cloud.
An aileron roll was very straight forward; rotate your body in a spin while going straight. It was a basic maneuver, so basic pegusus ponies would often do it by accident when learning to fly. It was also a great way to test any changes in aerodynamics. If a pegasus had a new uniform, mane cut, or in Dash's case, face, then an aileron roll would cause the pony to be pulled off course.
Rainbow positioned his wings to angle back and let his rear hooves out a few centimeters to balance the drag and weight differential of his face. Unfortunately with his wings hanging farther back, he had slightly less 'umph' in his wing beats. Without it, Dash was forced to overcompensate with extra frustrating beats.
When it came time to turn to avoid a mountain Rainbow was going too fast and weighed too much to smoothly angle out of the way. His wings flared sharply, desperately trying to compensate in time. Closer and closer Dash came to the mountain. Every tenth of a second seemed like a frozen frame in a painfully bad movie. Rainbow couldn't look away, and he couldn't forget the size of roughen boulders veering toward her.
With a mighty pang, Dash used his hooves to glance off a boulder, throwing him into a wild spin that arced Rainbow just over the lip of the snow-capped mountain. Dash had just enough time to shout a warning as he collided with a raincloud, sending jagged arcs of energy in every direction. As he flew backwards threw the air, just as Rainbow noticed a grey and blond form in front of him. Both forms hurtled smoking into the embankment on the far side of a hill. The two rag dolls tumbled together in a cloud of choking dust.
When the dust settled, and Dash cleared the blond hair out of his face, he looked right into the eye of a smoking hot mare. "Oh, hay ditzy."
"Muff... muff... muff-in?" moaned the mare.
"Oh, hehe, sorry Derpy."
"Is okay. Thanks for breaking my fall Blitz." Smiled Derpy flaring her wings.
"Blitz?" Rainbow cocked his head.
Derpy looked at Dash before smiling happily and jumping to a hover. "I mean sorry Rainbow, have a good day, I need to go finish my weather practice."
"Um, all right see ya Derpster." waved Dash.
Derpy waved back, before taking off in the direction of Ponyville.
Why is she going to Ponyville for weather practice. Gah, I better make sure she doesn't break anything again. Rainbow extended his wings. "Ow!" darn wing must'a gotten tweaked.
Dash sighed before trotting off to Ponyville.
Rainbow had slowed to a walk, and was still sweating.
Guess I'll stop by and see if Rarity can put some more venting into the suit. I was fine flying, but stallion oh stallion is this walking HOT in this suit!
Dash nodded to a few mares that walked by, waggling their...
Darnit Rainbow Dash, get your mind out of the gutter!
Dash bent his head between his legs to berate his innate endowment with estranged whispers. "I blame you for this."
"Hey Dashie, who ya talking to?" said Pinkie's head from underneath Rainbow's rainbow tail.
"Gah! Pinkie don't sneak up on me like that. You'll give a mare a hard attack."
"Sorry Double D, I wouldn't want to give your hard on an attack." said Pinkie smiling absentmindedly.
"I think you mean hard attack." said Dash passively, beginning to walk to Rarity's boutique.
"Oh, you mean heart-attack, sorry sometimes I can't hear ponies when they are talking away from me. Which is like totally annoying because then I miss what they say and make awkward jokes about you now being a..." Pinky stopped bouncing midair, slowly lowering to the ground with a mischievous grin on her blushing face.
"Sayyy, Dashie?" Pinkie asked, as she began to stalk her prey, "When did you become a," Pinky leaned in, "well-endowed performer?"
"Um, since I performed my first Sonic Rainbow? Remember?" Rainbow answered.
"No." wined Pinkie. "I mean since when have you had a carrot?"
"Um, yesterday afternoon for a snack. I actually had two if it mattered. AJ had some nice fresh ones?"
Pinkie's head perked up. "What were you doing at AJ's?"
"Oh, uh," Dash stalled, "I, haven't been feeling well, and wanted to stay in AJ's barn until I, uh, felt better."
Pinkie snickered.
Rainbow, missing Pinkie's amusement, continued. "AJ is really generous, letting me inta her barn and all."
The pink snicker turned to snorting.
"But I'm feeling better so I'll probably head back home tonight."
"So," Pinkie managed to say between snorts, "you, you're saying that, you're through with, with AJ?"
"Yeah. I kinda have this thing against sleeping in the same place twice." Dash confessed, finally noticing the strange sounds coming from his prankiest of friends. "It's kind of a wander lust thing."
At this Pinkie broke out in ruckus laughter. "Oh, Dashie... you're killing me."
"Well," thought Rainbow confusedly out loud, "at least I'm glad you're enjoying it?"
Pinkie fell over gasping for breath.
"Well then, I'm off to Rarity's, I guess. See ya Pinkster."
"WAIT!" yelled Pinkie completely serious. "First AJ's, then Rarity's?"
Dash turned to Pinkie "Yeah, this weight suit gets me really hot."
"Not the only one." quipped Pinkie quietly.
Rainbow turned to Pinkie, "What was that?"
"Nothing nothing," Pinkie smiled brazenly, "Just that I think that outfit makes you look pretty, awesome." Pinkie turned, smiling suavely.
"Pinkie Pie you are so... awkward. I have no idea what you're talking about."
"I think your suit makes you look-" Pinkie stepped in front of Dash, putting on her best sultry look, "-cool, hot, cot, hol, hoct. You know what I mean." said Pinkie, grinning hungrily.
Dash looked blankly at Pinkie before cracking into a cocky grin. "Wow Pinkie, I knew you were a good prankster, but you really had me going there. I mean coming up with something like that on the spot is really pro; and the execution, flawless." Rainbow chuckled alongside the sound of deflating hair.
Pinkamena's smile strained. "I, I'm being serious Dashie, I think you make a cute stallion. I just want to spend some time with you. I mean you were awesome before, but now. Let's just say the word wowzerzez was invented for a reason. By me, right now in fact!"
Rainbow smiled, "Thanks Pinkie, you always know how to put a smile on my face." Dash turned to go around Pinkie but was stopped by a bright pink hoof.
"But Dashie," said Pinkie, now smiling honestly, "think of the fun we could have together. Of all the ponies I know, you Dashie , and I have the most fun together. Rarity's certainly not going to be as much fun."
"Pinkie," said Rainbow nervously, "stop it. You're scaring me. I'm flattered, really. But you're taking it too far."
"Dashie, Dashie, Dashie, Dashie... I don't think I've taken it far enough ." Smiled Pinkie.
Dash began to back up, looking around for escape.
"But, if you want me to stop you could always make me." Pinkie said, sauntering up next to dash, shoulders touching. "Or, you could try to run away. I do like a good chase and you are the best chase, Dashie. Tehe." giggled Pinkie.
"Is there a third option?" Asked Rainbow tentatively.
The Party pony rolled her eyes playfully. "Hm, nope. None that I can come up with."
Dash thought quickly. "Well, I, um, hurt, my wing. Earlier today. So, can I at least get a head start?"
"Surely whirley birdy early birdie whirly Shirley. How's a minute sound?" Said the bouncing pink pony.
Rainbow though quickly. One minute, I could go to Rarity's, Twilight's, Sugar cube corner, won't make it to AJ's, can't fly home. Hm, maybe if I went fast enough I could make it to Fluttershy's, It would take a little bit longer than a minute, but not even Pinkie could catch me instantly, I hope. Pinkie might not even look for me at Fluttershy's, and I could totally convince her to hide me. We've known each other since, like, forev...
"Now that you know where you want to hide, I'll start counting. It'll be hide and seek tag! Oh won't this be fun!" exclaimed the party pony loudly before yelling, "60!" And sticking her bright head in the ground. "59, 58." came the muddled counting.
How did she know I was done?
"57, 56..."
"Oh trots!" Yelled Dash streaking away toward his oldest friend's house.
The weight suit was sweaty, a little restrictive in movement, and the weight caused Rainbow to slide and tumble into a few ponies. By the time Dash reached the house he was barely able to knock.
"Oh no!" cried Fluttershy as loud as she possibly could. The moderate noise rousing Rainbow.
"Flu-Fluter-Flutter-shy," gasped Rainbow, "hide-me, from P-P"
Fluttershy panicked trying to find the source of danger, "Hide you from what Dash, panthers? Pelican's? Polar bears? Potto? Porcupine? Puma? Przewalski's Wild horses?
Dash stammered, "P-Pi-Pinkie."
Fluttershy let out her withheld breath. "Oh thank goodness, I was worried we were in danger."
"I, am. Save me, Flutter-shy, you're my only hope." Rainbow pleaded, holding his hoof out to the kindest pony hhe had ever known.
"I don't know, I really don't want to get in the middle of something."
As a single tear rolled down Dash's square face, pleaded silently for salvation.
"I can't."
A second tear rolled down the other side, of Rainbows square face.
"I, I, don't like pressure."
Dash conceded, he wasn't going to put Fluttershy in a compromising position unless the fate of Equestria was on the line.
"I knew you would never force Fluttershy to hide." said the pink pony leaning on Fluttershy, eating an apple.
"Pinkie, ohmygosh you startled me. Um, if you don't mind me asking, why are you chasing Rainbow Dash to the point of utter exhaustion?"
"Well to be fair I didn't know he would be that exhausted. I don't even think it would be fun if I caught her."
"But you did catch... him?" said Fluttershy sensibly.
"I don't think you understand Fluttershy. I had to catch him, and I can't catch him if he's on the ground. That would require me to, like, break physics or something. And I don't like breaking things because then I have to replace them. And that, is money that could very well have been spent on party supplies."
"You know," said Rainbow, "she does have a point."
"Um... okay?" answered the shy pegusus with a blush. "Anyway, um, I think Rainbow should come inside and relax, I'll take good care of, him, Pinkie I promise."
"Okie Donkie Loki." Smiled the party pony. "But I'll get you next time Rainbow, Next Time!"
Fluttershy carefully closed the door on the pink pony petting her pet gator.
"Well." said Dash taking off his weight suit. "That was a good save Shy. I owe you but, um. Could I owe you two and take a cold, cold shower?"
Fluttershy looked at the stallion before her. In her Home! She admitted the suit added the look of a lot of chiseled muscle, but to see a all natural male Rainbow in front of her was a bit startling to say the least.
"Um, Rainbow Dash?"
"Yeah?"
"Did Rarity make you that outfit?"
"Yeah?"
"Well, you might want to, um, have her redesign it so as not to look, so, um... fetching. Unless you were going for the look of an amazingly toned stallion of course."
"Oh, so that's why all the mares are looking at me with googlie eyes." thought Dash out loud. "To be honest I don't really mind the attention but I'll see what Rarity thinks while I get a couple more vents added. Maybe tone down the weight a bit."
"Oh, okay. Hey, um Rainbow?"
"Yeah?"
"How did you, um, get turned into a stallion, If I might ask?"
"That, Fluttershy, is the big question on everypony's mind."
"Ohh, um, sorry,"
"It's okay Fluttershy."
"Sorry."
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"And Then Rainbow Dash Was a Colt," and Ten Other Really Awkward Stories
Chapter 6: And Then Rainbow Dash (Expletive Derped) the Mail Mare.
"Bye mommy!" cried the grey filly with the most beautiful golden mane. "Say hi to aunt Derpy for me."
"Absolutely princess Muffin Head." said Ditzy waving lovingly to her daughter.
"Mom, not in public. You're embarrassing me." Complained the daughter.
"But that's a mother's job." smiled the doting mother.
Dinky slammed her hoof down, "Then you need a new job bubble butt because I'm starting junior high in a few months, and I will not be ostracized for having an overly loving mother."
Ditzy sniffed playfully, "Would you rather be ostracized for breaking your poor mothers heart, cause that's what you're doing. Oh woe is me, cast aside by my own..."
"Okay okay, I get it. You can still dote on me just, I don't know; keep it to a dull roar."
Ditzy smiled as she pulled her daughter into a hug. "I know you're growing up muffin head. Just remember that if you ever need to talk to someone, I will always be here for you."
"Thanks mom. You should get to work."
"Yep, see ya muffin head."
"Bye bubble butt."
"Bubble Butt!" cried Pinkie Pie jumping out from behind a cart. "Oh good, I got you before you left. Hey I got this letter I need you to send to Rainbow Dash right away. It's super top secret and important, so if you could go deliver this to Rainbow over inside of Applejack's barn, I would really appreciate it."
Ditzy looked at the letter Pinkie had pulled out seemingly from nowhere. "I'd love to but it needs a stamp..." said the mail mare, trailing off as the party pony tossed the letter into the air, reached into her mane, pulled out a stamp, licked it, and slapped it onto the letter with perfect placement. "I guess that works. So you say Rainbow is at Applejack's, cause I have been trying to find her for days. She has a small backlog."
"Yuppers, she's been hiding there, but she can't hide from me."
"Fair enough, see ya Pinkie."
"Bye Derpy."
"It's Ditzy, Derpy is my sister."
"Oh yeah, sorry."
Ditzy decided that the apple farm was as good a place as any to start her day. She usually hit up the farm before lunch anyway because they often had an apple or two to send to her for coming so far out of Ponyville. She always insisted it was not really that far for a pegasus, but they insisted.
As the mail mare landed in front of the barn, she swore she had heard giggling from inside. Sticking her head against the door she confirmed that yes, it was in fact giggling. Giggling from a familiar, but unrecognizable, male voice
"Twilight, that tickles."
Ditzy stuck here ear up to the door to hear the muffled female voice, presumably Twilight's, responded curtly. "Dash, I need to do this. Hold still or I'll make you hold still."
"But Twilight," complained the male voice. "It tickles! A lot! And it's making me feel funny."
"Trust me Dash, I noticed. But giggling is only going to make this take longer."
"Can you just stop for a second and let me catch my breath?" said the male voice, which did sound surprisingly close to Dash.
Didn't Derpy say something about Rainbow wearing a suit that made her look like 'quite a handsome stallion?'
The creaking of the recently repaired barn door opening cut into the conversation like a lightning bolt through paper. Realizing she had been caught, Ditzy sheepishly poked her head inside. With her left eye, Ditzy saw a blushing Applejack hiding behind a nearby hay pile. With her right eye she saw what appeared to be a male Rainbow Dash standing next to a frustrated Twilight Sparkle. As Ditzy looked, her right eye slowly rolled to Twilight's glowing horn which was pointed directly at a rather unexpected inflamed and glowing part of Rainbow's anatomy.
"It's not what it looks like!" exclaimed Applejack from here hidey-hay.
"I think this is exactly what it looks like." Replied Ditzy with an overly friendly smile. "Rainbow Dash somehow got turned into a stallion which is why she has been hiding in AJ's barn where I can't find her. Twilight is trying to figure out how to reverse the process. Applejack, you still haven't gotten over those two incidents in school which is why you are so embarrassed and find this whole situation awkward. Rarity probably made the suit that my sister saw Dash in the other day."
Silence, and the blissful smile of a grey mail mare, filled the room for several seconds before Twilight broke her trance. "Well, that's, um, a rather astute observation. I think you hit everything but Dash's complete lack of knowledge on the matter of gender differences."
Ditzy's jaw fell momentarily before she began giggling excessively. "You, you mean, you never knew we were joking? We always thought you were, I don't know, playing along?"
"What joke?" asked a confused Rainbow.
"Wow! Sorry um, do you remember that class back in junior high where we all had to get approval from our parents to go to?"
Dash sighed, "Yeah, everyone made fun of me for weeks after that."
"Actually," said Ditzy sheepishly, "We made fun of you for years. We originally started doing it to get back at you for all the pranks you pulled on us. That was a sex-ed class, Rainbow. You see, we knew how stuffy your parents were and how they probably didn't fill you in on the whole sex thing. Then there was the fact that you were always so masculine and had rainbow hair. We began to have a little bit of fun at your expense. Just a little, at least that's what we told each other, but it kept growing. We treated you like a guy all the time and purposely tried to confuse you by calling each other by the wrong gender. But it didn't work; you just rolled with it. We thought you were cool to do that actually... We didn't hate you or anything; we were just stupid kids making one big stupid joke. You were pretty cool, always standing up to bullies for weaker ponies. Anyway after the rainboom of yours, you became really cool. Everyone wanted to be your friend or be with you."
"Yeah," said Rainbow egotistically, "I was pretty popular; it comes with being the best."
Ditzy rolled her eyes and smiled, "Right, you were pretty cool. You also flew yourself so ragged with practice that you never had time to socialize, otherwise we probably would have realized you didn't know and would have filled you in. Anyway, after the sonic rainboom we all wanted your approval. We also wanted to get closer to such an awesome flyer. Some of the guys went out with you to say they made out with the great Rainbow Dash. A bunch of fillies did as well. Since we were always treating you like a guy, I guess a lot of the girls just, well, rolled with it. It's still a joke amongst us pegasus ponies. I think the weather team still calls each other by the wrong gender from time to time. I think they call it Blitzing."
"Is that why they call me Rainbow Blitz sometimes?!" yelled Dash. "Thank Celestia, I thought I was just going crazy!"
Applejack finally butted in, "Keep the chickens in the hen house here RD. Now Derpy,"
"Ditzy." said Ditzy.
"Not important right now. Are you saying the reason Dash is clueless is because of a practical joke?"
"Um, yes."
Twilight and Applejack looked at each other before raging at Ditzy simultaneously.
"That has to be one of the meanest things I have ever heard of doing to somepony!"
"What is wrong with you, you, you, floozy!"
"Do you understand the repercussions of such ethically absent actions?"
"You're the dirtiest, filthiest kind of liar! How could you do that to a friend?!"
"I should write to the princess about-"
"Whoa whoa whoa whoa, calm down there everypony." Said the rainbow mare. "There is no reason for you to go off on her like that. Sure it was kind of a jerk thing to do, but I'll admit I played some mean pranks back in my day. Heck I remember putting itching powder in the cloud mixture." Rainbow began to laugh. " Then, I replaced all the doctors' examination clouds with the stuff. Oh, man, everyone who went in came out itching like a mad mare."
"That was you?!" Exclaimed Ditzy. "But you had one of the worse cases!"
"Well duh, I knew I would have it the worst going in. I moved like, a Cloudsdale Colosseum's worth of itchy clouds. Even with a lab coat and goggles on it was bad. Still worth it though."
Twilight and Applejack looked at each other, then at Dash, with complete disbelief.
"What? Like she said, we were stupid kids."
Rainbow sighed, "Anyway you have to admit they got me good. Anyway I know you didn't mean for it to be so bad. I can tell by how you talked about it, and by the fact that we had some good make-out sessions behind the bleachers."
Twilight and Applejack looked at each other, then at a blushing Ditzy, with complete disbelief.
"Um, I think that was my sister, Derpy. Cause I never made out with you, Dash. Not that I would object by the way, you always were kinda cute."
Twilight and Applejack looked at each other and then at Rainbow.
"No, I am sure it was you. Same cutie mark and everything."
Twilight and Applejack looked at each other and then at Ditzy
"Actualy me and Derpy come from seven identical sisters. We're septuplets. Our cutie marks are all pretty much the same too; it's because they signify that we are all meant to be close sisters. The only difference among the cutie marks is the sizes of the bubbles."
"Um, excuse me." said Twilight, "How does something like that even happen?"
Ditzy sighed before giving the rather mundane explanation. "It happened one night when we pledged to always be the best sisters ever. Then the room was filled with a blinding flash and we noticed we each had seven bubbles for cutie marks. One for each sister."
"Who are the other five sisters then?" Asked Applejack.
"Well, you know me and Derpy. Then there's Dazzlie, Danny, Deli, Daisy, and Delay."
"I'm sorry," interrupted Applejack, "but can we get back on topic? "I find that whole scenario extremely unlikely."
"I agree," piped Twilight, "I mean I know Rainbow might not be the most intelligent pony, but she is not that dumb. I mean sure she doesn't know the word tenacity-"
"Gesundheit."
Twilight turned to stare at Rainbow.
"What word don't I know Twilight?"
"You know what," said Twilight turning toward Ditzy, "never mind. If everypony was in on it, it probably could have happened. It's the best possible explanation I've heard so far."
Ditzy put her hoof to her chin in thought. "Well, not everypony was in on it. Fluttershy, some of the other students, and most of the teachers were really confused and never figured it out."
"Wait a second, Ditzy." said Twilight. "Why are you here anyway?"
"Right. Pinkie wanted me to give Dash this letter. I also have a half dozen other letters since she has been hiding in AJ's barn. I have some stuff for AJ and Big Mac as well. Oh and you got a book from Canterlot, Twilight."
"Oh good Translating, Tempering, and Turning-Over Truly Terrifying Transformative Transfigurations, Transmogrification, Transmutation, Transubstantiation and Transgender Transgressions will really help.
"Don't ya ever have any normal books Twi?"
"Trust me Applejack; when you have read as many books as I have, you come to appreciate the ones that stand out."
Ditzy looked at Twilight appraisingly. "Just how many books have you read?"
"3,287, not including rereading 1305, and skimming another 4212."
Applejack, Dash, and Ditzy all stared at Twilight.
"What? Stop looking at me like that. The total number including rereading, rerereading, and rererereading is 4236. Stop looking at me like that! The special library I lived in at Canterlot is actually my private book collection. The actual library had to stop allowing me access because I would check out shelves of books at a time. They said it was a strain on their resources. Why are you still looking at me like that? Is it because Celestia agreed to buy me books so long as I had read what I had? Is it because Celestia got tired of me asking her twice sometimes thrice daily for another book? Is it because one time I contacted her twice when I went through the limit of 7 books in one day?"
"It's cause your left eye is twitching and wandering." Said Ditzy. "Is it that distracting when my eyes do that?" Added the mail mare as her left eye turned to focus on Applejack with her right eye on the pegusus.
"Give or take." Said Applejack.
"Take, Definitely take." Added Rainbow.
Twilight shook her head trying to get her eyes to behave. "Better?"
"Yup." Said Ditzy
"Not perfect." Said Dash before hastily adding "But a lot better."
"Twilight," said Applejack sadly, "I think ya have a problem."
"Problem? I don't have a problem. Reading is good for me." Responded Twilight quickly.
"That's not what we're talking about apricot." said the farmer.
"What we mean is, you need to take it easy." said Ditzy. "Eye twitching can be caused by several things including, but not limited to: stress, tiredness, eyestrain, caffeine, dry eyes, nutritional imbalances, and allergies."
"Wow! That pretty much sums you up right there Twilight." Said Rainbow with a giggle.
"Gee, thanks." Replied the librarian tersely, eye twitching intermittently.
Ditzy looked between Twilight and her friends, at the same time, before coming to a decision.
"Well, as interesting as this has been I really should get back to delivering the mail."
"Okay." said Dash. "Oh hey, could you, um, maybe not mention this to anybody?"
"Huh?"
"The fact that I got turned into a male."
Ditzy nodded in understanding, giving a seductive wink. "Oh, I would never say anything that would harm the male service . Anyway gotta go, bye."
With a small leap, the mail mare ascended to her next exciting delivery.
Applejack was not completely sure about what she had just seen. She wondered if anypony else thought the mail mare was hitting on Rainbow. Turning around she found Twilight again examining the transformation, this time while simultaneously reading out of the book.
"I'll just give you two some privacy." said the ever reddening farmer backing away.
Dash looked toward her best friend before flashing a winning smile. "Your loss."
"Actually, it's everypony's loss." Said Twilight, ignorant of the tension in the room.
"Come again?"
"Say what?"
"This is definitely a magical metamorphosis. I, I think it's a combination of magics actually."
"What kind of magics?" asked the two friends.
"Defiantly unicorn. I'm pretty sure there is zebra magic involved. Some magic from enchanted gemstones which makes it hard to identify. It might be one of Rarity's gems actually. Overall this is an incredibly complex transformation. It might take me weeks to copy it."
"Wait, why would you want to copy this spell?" Ask the confused Apple mare.
"I wouldn't, at least I can't think I would have a reason to. I was simply stating an observation. Anyway, I think I will have to talk to Zecora. I've read very little on zebra magic. Honestly we might have to find the pony responsible for the spell and have them help us develop a reversal spell. I'm not even sure counter-spell would work appropriately."
Rainbow looked confusingly toward her bookish friend. "Are you telling me, somepony went out of their way to turn me into a stallion?"
"Not necessarily. Without knowing more about the components of this spell, I can't even tell you what the original intent was."
"Well that's just great . There's is somepony out there turning mares into stallions for their own sick amusement."
"Applejack are you okay. You're looking a bit green."
Applejack cleared the sweat from her eyes with a shaky hoof. "I'm, fine. I find the whole prospect of a pony, or zebra, goin' around and turning mares inta stallions, disconcertin'. I'm gonna go buck some more trees. Are ya staying here tonight RD or are ya going back home?"
"I got the suit, so I should be fine to go home. Thanks for letting us use your barn again. I don't know where else we could have found a safe place.
"Don't mention it, ever again. I just want to forget about this whole thing." The element of honesty said honestly.
"Fair enough. Oh and tell Scoots I'm fine. Apparently her and Sweetie Belle have been asking around for me."
"I'll mention it to them if I see them."
"Me too." Said the librarian walking out of the barn with her nose in her new treasure. "Have a good one Dash, AJ."
"Bye Twi."
"See ya Twilight."
They all waved before leaving for their own pursuits.
______________________________________________________________________
Next chapter, writing for zecora... Oh boy.
"And Then Rainbow Dash Was a Colt," and Ten Other Really Awkward Stories
Chapter 7: And Then Zecora Dashed.
(Sorry for formatting issues. A recent update on Fim fiction screwed with Gdoc imported stories. I will wait a week or so to see if they fix this problem. If not I will likely have to manual adjust the format (Which I already did to seperate each paragraph.)Trolls! Thought Twilight, panting sharply as she zigged left around an oak seconds before the cracking of its mighty trunk, signaling the end of its long life. Of course it was trolls. Why wouldn't it be trolls? A quick hop over a root and another jump sent Twilight zagging right around a willow, suddenly falling in a stale pond surrounded by accursed yew.
After all, this stupid s un-sc orning forest has every other monster in the manual. Stupid forest. Stupid trolls. Stupid running as fast as I can! The librarian screamed in her head as she barely cleared the gap between two noble fir trees and ducked a low hanging branch. Earth-quaking forces cracked and snapped both the trees. A quick look from the purple pony confirmed the beast was hardly slowed.
"Come back, little pony. I only want to play jump rope with you." mocked a Celestia-sized, pony-shaped vine troll.
Dear Alicorns above please don't make me play jump rope with that green troll. Or wait, does the troll want to use me as a jump rope... GAH! Brain stop working on different ways I might die and work on different ways I can live.
"Little pony, come here and give me a hug."
Living definitely focus on living.
"How are you crashing through tree's bigger than you? It's not physically possible. You're not physically possible!"
"Come here and let me show you, my little pony."
"NO!"
"Yes!"
"Stop breaking the laws of physics!" screamed Twilight, diving around a rock. It shouldn't have come as a surprise that a Tom-sized rock would actually cause the troll to go around it, but it did. The surprise quickly faded, and with a quick glance at the location, Twilight charged her horn and disappeared with a flare before the troll.
Surprised, the troll looked around, rubbing one eye with a vined hoof, then the other. As it turned around, it noticed the panting, sweaty, unicorn on a rock.
"You're on a rock?"
"I'm... on a rock..." panted the tired mare.
"How you get there?"
"Teleported."
"If you could do that, why you trick me into chasing you?"
"The further I travel, the more I have to concentrate. When you went around the rock I was able to get just enough time to think without tripping and subsequently being eaten by you."
"Stupid rocks!" grumbled the troll as it walked away. "Guess I'll have to go find sometroll else to play with."
"You do that, Troll!" yelled Twilight into the forest.
“Who speaks of Trolls with such fear? Is that Twilight that I hear?”
Twilight's head spun around to see a familiar Zebra behind her. “Oh, Zecora. Thank Celestia you’re here.”
“It was your shouts and screams that brought me near.”
“I was being chased by a green troll." said Twilight as she hopped down from the rock. "It took me awhile before I could get a moment to teleport without running into a tree. Wait, what do you do when you run into a troll in the woods?"
“When I meet a troll in the woods, I pull out a can of fake goods. Trolls are crude; they can’t resist food, so they get to the middle, and instantly nibble. It makes them giggle, from poison of nickel."
"That's a neat trick, but doesn't that make them sick?"
"Trolls are hardy, with an incredible body. Their bodies will be fine, and in short time, so is their mind.
"Any other advice for a pony taking a casual stroll through a deadly forest?"
"The forest, while green, can be quite mean. I would advise you remain unseen."
"Unfortunately I have yet to master either invisibility or silencing spells. Weak and powerful unicorns alike have trouble casting those successfully. The problem stems from trying to find a balance between enough power and control to display a image and not using so much power that you blind..."
"Yes, Twilight dear, I understand your plight and fear. But monsters come while darkness runs. And while it can make for an interesting night, I wish to avoid such a fight."
"Agreed."
Zecora turned toward her hut, walking confidently into the forest. As Twilight followed, she noticed that the zebra never turned to acknowledge the small sounds in the bushes, but did casually turn away from a moderate growl. Twilight hoped the growl was coming from deeper in the woods.
After a few minutes, Twilight noted they seemed to enter into a calmer section of the forest. The relative silence was broken by Zecora's eloquently rhythmed speech.
"So Twilight dear, want to give me the highlights here, or would you prefer to wait until we are shut in my hut?"
Twilight pulled her eyes away from the foreboding forest before answering. "Oh, well, um, I ran into a type of magic I was not very familiar with and wanted to see if you knew anything about it before I bothered Celestia."
"Your logic is sound. Pray-tell what have you found?"
Twilight looked down as they continued walking in an attempt to hide a small, growing blush. "Actually it's what Rainbow Dash found, or rather, the situation he has found herself in."
Zecora looked back, one eyebrow raised.
"She, um well," Twilight's blush grew. She had been trying to objectify the whole situation, but trying to find the words to explain the situation to someone who did not already know was affecting her, objectivity.
"Go on my friend; you will not offend."
Twilight stopped and took in a deep, calming breath. "The, uh, private area ventral to her fourth or fifth lumbar has been magically transformed into a prepuce with accompanying transformations at a genetic level across her, excuse me, now his entire body."
Zecora fully turned to face her less-than-level headed friend, leaning in. Twilight donned a noticeably nervous grin, ears flattening backward. As Zecora leaned in she forced Twilight to step backwards.
"Do you mean to say, her gender lines are now grey?"
"No, no. They're pretty black and white."
"Rainbow Dash, no longer a mare. No rash decisions, we need care."
"Exactly." said the lavender mare. "Can you help me?"
"I would have to see, the little pony."
"Great. Uh, do you want me to bring Dash here, or do you want to go to town?"
"I'll stay, so send her this way."
"Okay then, I'll be back with Dash tomorrow."
"Oh, you are mistaken Twilight, I'll need Dash alone, tonight."
"Oh. Okay, I'll send her over then. Do you want us to come over tomorrow, or will you come to the Library?"
"I'll need Rainbow Dash to stay the night, so how about we come by tomorrow, alright?"
Twilight nodded. "I don't see why that would be a problem. She's been staying in Applejack's barn, and she doesn't seem all that picky as long as she can get comfortable. Though I am curious, why would she, he." Twilight sighed. "Why would Dash have to stay the night?"
Zecora looked hard at Twilight before replying.
"Ah, my friend, I hope I don't offend. But many secrets, the Zebra have. And awkward moments, are sure to be had. That type of magic, while not very tragic, might best be left to Zebra magic, alone. It's effect around unicorn magic is unknown."
"Um, okay. Well I'll see you tomorrow then. How about you stop by the library and we can have some tea?"
Zecora smiled pleasantly. "That sounds fine to me."
Rainbow decided to enjoy her flight to Zecora's. It had absolutely nothing to do with the fact that she had no idea how Zebra magic worked. Potions were creepy enough, but talismans and ritual masks, no thanks.
The night, the whole night in the Everfree Forest. What was Twilight thinking?
The Wonderbolt hopeful landed gently in front of the hut. The twilight was kept at bay by the forest’s canopy, making the windows of Zecora's hut the only source of light. The only, creepy, eye-like source of light. Dash shivered.
The knocking on the door sounded hollow, and the door swung soundlessly in.
"Welcome to my home; it is nice to not be alone."
Rainbow walked in cautiously, no reason to tempt fate after all, and closed the door behind her, sniffing at the smell of, baking? No that's wasn't right. It kind of smelled a bit like a pumpkin pie, or at least the basic ingredient, and there was a very strong smell of cinnamon and villain. It was, relaxing.
"So, Rainbow Dash, I fear I must ask, do you... have a rash?"
Dash blinked. "Excuse me?"
"Twilight told you I am investigating this," Zecora gestured to Rainbow with a hoof, "Magic."
"Yeah. Thanks for the help by the way. But why are you asking me about a rash?"
"It is quite tragic. Zebra history knows of such effects. I merely want to see, if it's a hex that has changed your sex. Or perhaps a curse. Possibly something else, equally perverse."
Dash looked around pensively. "Yeah, about that. No offense or anything but I don't really know how your magic works." Rainbow paused, afraid she may have offended the foreign zebra. She took a calming breath. "What I mean to say is..."
"My magic is very new to you, and as such seems taboo. Situations like this, can destroy equine bliss. And for that you are understandably very wary. "
Dash scratched the back of his head. "Yeah. The masks don't really help either. I'm not scared or anything." added the rainbow stallion hastily. "But I feeling like I am being watched is, kinda awkward."
Zecora smiled. "Have no fret, the masks are meant to be affectionate. They are masks of greeting, meant for any meeting."
Rainbow stared at Zecora for a moment before comprehending the meaning. "So, they're like a welcome mat, or a wreath during Hearth's Warming Eve?"
"Correct, they are meant as a sign of respect."
Dash visibly relaxed. "That's, kinda cool actually. I mean it's at least more interesting than a couple of pictures like most ponies have."
"Too True."
"Well then, want to get started?"
"That sounds fair, go and sit over there." Zecora pointed to a small pile of cushions in a corner. She joined Rainbow promptly with a tray of bowls, jars, and a few implements that were much less intimidating that any dentist's.
Zecora placed the tray a step or two away from Dash. Then she began her inspection. Turning Rainbow's head this way and that. Standing him up, sitting him down, poking and prodding. Dash dislike it, mostly because the touching was becoming rather awkward.
Rainbow was all up for a group hug or a good wrestle, but it felt to him like he was being judged. Upon that deduction the colt suddenly felt more confident. Nervous as he was, he knew he was probably one of the fittest, best examples of equine anatomy in Ponyville. It made him feel special. Swelling up his chest, Dash decided to break the silence.
"So doc, what’s the verdict. Am I as awesome as I know I am?"
Zecora blushed. "Their is no contest, nor would I protest, if I had to examine such a fine specimen again."
Rainbow felt emboldened, something very similar to the aftereffects of performing a particularly hard stunt. "I am pretty awesome, best athlete in Ponyville."
Zecora poked Dash in the side. "I thought you lost to Applejack, at the Running of the Leaves track."
Rainbow turned sharply at the accusation. "What? where did you learn that? It was a tie, and I totally would have beaten her if she hadn't tackled..." Dash trialled off as she noticed, from a rather close vantage point, that Zecora was stifling a smile at her outburst.
They both burst out laughing. Rainbow with a blush on her cheeks.
"Sorry, I'm a little full of myself."
"You can be a bit of a brute, but in all honesty that was quite cute."
"Hey," Dash said while finishing her chuckles, "normally I take offense to being called cute."
"Without dismay, I must say, why not today?"
"I don't know. Ever since I was changed I have been seeing the world differently. I don't understand it."
Zecora picked up jar of oils.
"I've been reading about the differences between mares and stallions. And it kind of makes sense, I guess. But I never really thought about romance or mating before becoming male. I think it has something to do with testostronone. At least that's what one of Twilight's books made me think."
Zecora began applying the oils to Rainbow's back, an impressive feat when the equine in question had a wide, knowing, grin. "That would make sense. Now I mean no offense, but you do seem a little dense, when it comes to gender pretense."
"Yeah yeah, the important part is that I am learning now."
Zecora frowned at the oil's lack of magical response. She took out a large seed from a small dish, and gave it to dash. "Chew."
Zecora continued after Dash complied. "Knowledge such as that is long overdue for you."
Rainbow rolled her eyes.
"But if you have any questions, I can give you my opinion and suggestions. Now spit, and sit."
Dash complied, spitting the gum like remains of the seed into the same bowl. The athlete noticed the bottom had Zecora's trademark neon lime green magic power.
"That seed kinda left my mouth all tingly."
Zecora smiled while looking away so that Rainbow could not see. "It is a arginine-rich seed from a very rare tree breed."
"What does it do?"
"Many things, but in this case it brings a method to absorb bits of magic. I hope to identify it, by mixing it with this special stick."
Zecora reached up and pulled down an ancient beech stick.
"Well." Rainbow rallied against her embarrassment. "I was wondering a couple things."
Zecora nodded, mouth engaged in manipulating the soft wood.
"I know it's mares and stallions that make a foal. But why can't mares be with mares and stallions with stallions? It seems like they would have more in common."
Zecora chuckled as she set down the mixture to sit for a bit. "They can and they do, but it is a private affair between the two. Some ponies frown and think it taboo, but to find them one must travel far, for they are few."
"Then why haven't I seen any, pairings, like that in town?"
"The main desire in a mate, is the need to propagate. It is the primary drive, and hard to contrive. For most ponies their preference is innate."
"So, ponies are born attracted to either mares or stallions?"
"This could be a long discussion with much repercussion. Let's leave it to rest, until we are done with the tests."
Dash frowned, clearly unhappy with leaving the answers alone. Maybe Twilight's rubbing off on me. "But you'll answer my questions afterward, tonight right?"
"You will have to look inside, where some of the answers might hide. But yes, I'll answer your quest, and questions too."
Rainbow Dash cocked her head, confused by the statement.
"And Then Rainbow Dash Was a Colt," and Ten Other Really Awkward Stories
Chapter 8: And Then the CMC Did It.
"Okay girls, what did y'all find out 'bout Dash?" Apple Bloom asked.
Sweetie Belle and Scootaloo shared a look of hopefulness before turning to their apple-grown leader. Several seconds of silence passed. A cricket took advantage of the silence to express its own masterpiece version of Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart, Violin Concerto No. 5 in A, 2nd Movement .
"I... got nothin'. How 'bout you Belle?"
"Nope," said Sweetie smiling obliviously.
"Nut'in'? Nut'in' at all?"
Scootaloo and Sweetie Belle shook their heads in unison.
"Prickly pears!" cursed Apple Bloom.
The others winced.
"Sorry. Big Macintosh was givin' me some 'mportant talk yesterday. Somethin' 'bout trains and tunnels, er somethin'. Anyway it took way too long an' I didn't sleep much. 'N I kept have'n weird dreams 'bout Spike."
Sweetie Belle pulled Apple Bloom into a friendly hug. "Aww, group hug."
"No no, I'm good."
"Threesome!" yelled Scootaloo dive tackling her two best friends and sharing one of their better best friend hugs.
After several seconds, Apple Bloom broke the hug. "Okay, yer startin' ta make me feel like I'm at a family reunion er somethin'."
"But we are a family." Scootaloo said with a perfectly normal smile.
"Yeah," Sweetie Belle added, "oh wait, no. We already have families, Scoot-a-lootie patootie. That's why we were trying to get Dash to love you and adopt you. Remember?"
"Yeah... adopt, right."
"What happened between you two anyway?" asked Apple Bloom, "I mean, you two were becoming all sister-like and then ya'all stopped hanging out altogether.”
"Oh, uh, she... ended up being too busy with her practice for the Wonderbolts. After she came back from that camp she has had less and less time for me."
Sweetie Belle and Apple Bloom shared a look before both put a hoof on Scootaloo's shoulders.
Scootaloo managed a weak smile. "By the way, thanks again for helping me with that magic ritual, girls; even if it didn't work."
"Absolutely," said Apple Bloom.
"Of course," added Sweetie Belle, "I was so happy we could use my new foal's first labo ratoo ry that Rarity got me for my birthday.
"By th' way, Belle. When are ya' gonna be unpackin' that alchemists lab?"
"Oh, I don't know. I mean I can't really unpack everything without adding another pocket dimension. But they only gave me two to work with. I think I'm only suppose to set up the things that interest cause otherwise they would've packed more.
"Awww. I was hopin' ta try and make some potions."
"Oh, well then I guess we could set up a cauldron and some supplies. I mean I'm not using the space in the Southwest corner."
Apple Bloom looked around the cramped, circular underground layer, "The where now?"
"Behind the computer mainframe."
"Ya mean that big metal box with the cables and blinking lights?"
"Yup."
"Cool."
Scootaloo's eyes rolled. "Anyway. We need to find out what happened to Dash. If it's something bad, we gotta try and fix it. I can't stand not knowing, it's worse than waiting for the next part of a story to come out."
"Yeah," said Sweetie Belle, "I mean we don't want to be responsible for doing something like ruining her career."
"Maybe..." added Apple Bloom tentatively, "maybe... we should tell someone."
"What! No!" cried Scootaloo. "I mean we all agreed that this was supposed to be a secret. You promised."
"Whoa there, girl," said Apple Bloom reassuringly, "We aren't saying that we'd break a promise. But maybe we should think about Dash before ourselves. Ah mean we did cast a ritual on her, 'n until yesterday nopony had seen hide nor hair o' her."
"Yeah," added Sweetie Belle, "if you want her to be like family then you need to put her first, even if it would get you in trouble."
Scootaloo sighed. "Yeah, maybe you’re right. Even if we get in trouble, it's better than something bad happening to Dash."
"Sounds like somepony has a letter to write," said Sweetie Bell in a sing song voice.
Scootaloo groaned. "I hate those letters, it feels like homework."
"But it's like homework from the Princess," added Apple Bloom with a mocking smile.
"Whatever."
"Hey!" shouted Sweetie Belle, "I know how we can find Rainbow Dash."
"How?" asked the others.
"We can ask Zecora for something to help us track her down. Maybe a super sense of smell potion, or-or-or... maybe something that lets us see through walls."
"That's silly," said Scootaloo, "stuff like that only exists in bad stories to cover up weak plot points."
"Nu uh," countered Apple Bloom. "I remember her telling me about a potion that she uses to help her find rare urbs."
"You mean rare herbs?" asked Sweetie.
"What in the hay is a herb?" asked Apple Bloom.
"It's like a special plant that you eat."
"Yeah, a urb."
"Herb."
"Urb!"
"Girls!" yelled Scootaloo. "Herbs or uerbs. It doesn't matter. We need to get to Zecora's and back before dark and I don't want to wander around the Everfree alone if I can help it. I mean we all know how stupid that is."
Apple Bloom and Sweetie Belle shared a parting look before turning back and nodding at Scootaloo.
"All right, now get on my wagon, girls. And put your helmets on, it's gonna be a bumpy ride."
Flying. Not something Apple Bloom was use to, or was she? The wind was whipping through her mane and tail just like it did on Scootaloo's scooter, the scooter being somewhere below her she guessed. The feeling of weightlessness that had always been described to her was somehow absent. It was more of a absence of earth. Gravity still existed, it still pulled at her, but the lack of resistance to the effects of gravity was similar to one being in the air when bouncing on a bed... right before one would bounce off and bump their head.
Either way, the wind rushing by, the lack of any solid contact/resistance to gravity and the forward momentum—all common occurrences to a little filly in their own right—managed to create a wonder to behold: flying.
It was truly a wonder to experience. And only one word could come close to describing what Apple Bloom was feeling at the experience.
"Ahhhhhh!"
The sentiment was echoed by her fellow crusaders.
Scootaloo had accidently driven the three off of a cliff in a desperate attempt to escape a very big and very hungry hydra.
The flight lasted less than half a minute. They crested the hill at near Scootaloo's max speed and then looked down, far below the brown, rock-strewn, bubbling waters of froggy bottom rushed to greet the helpless fillies. As they plummeted, three large bubbles grew and met the fillies several hooflengths above placid waters. After salvation, however, the fillies soon found themselves airborne again, launched by the strange physics that permeated this section of the Everfree. They soon found themselves at nearly the same height as their drop, but their forward momentum had carried them over the rocky crags that lined Froggy Bottom Bog.
This time they would plummet to their certain doom amongst jagged rocks and scraggly pointed pines. As they began to fall for the second time, a flash of light blinded the three helpless fillies. By the time their vision had cleared and the sound of an explosion had rocked their ears, strong legs were setting them gently on the ground.
"Rainbow Dash! You have no idea how glad we are to see you!" said Scootaloo as she hugged her guardian hero.
"Yeah well, you keep falling off cliffs, seriously what's up with that?" asked Dash in his now deep voice.
"Oh, you know..." Scootaloo responded before looking up from her hug. "Oh my goddess! What happened to your face?"
"My... oh, yeah, I got turned into a colt," said Rainbow nonchalantly.
Three sets of blank eyes stared directly into Dash's soul.
"What?"
"Uh, h-how—what I mean to s-say is… h-h-how?" Apple Bloom stuttered.
"No clue," said Rainbow simply.
"This is terrible. Rainbow Dash, I am so, SO, sorry," cried Scootaloo as she hugged Dash's leg.
"It's not so bad. There are some perks to being a colt, you know. Just like there are perks to being a mare... just different perks," said Rainbow with a grin.
"Like what?" asked Sweetie Belle.
"Oh you know, stronger flight instead of agility, I don't have to sit when I pee, and well, you know ," said Rainbow with a broadening grin.
"Know what?" came the chorused response.
"Um, how should I put this? Some things are different between mares and stallions. And, well, ya know, I'm not so sure I should be the one to tell you about such things. I'm kinda new to all this myself," said Dash.
"Just pretend that we have a vested int'rest in your condition," said Apple Bloom with a serious voice.
"Why would you have a vested interest?" asked Rainbow. "For that matter, why do you girls even care? I’m still the best flyer in Equestria."
"Oh, uh," stammered Sweetie, "you’re just—"
"The most awesome mare in Equestria," Scootaloo broke in, "I mean you make all us girls look good."
"Yeah!" smiled Dash, "I am pretty awesome, so I guess that makes sense."
"So, uh, why don't you tell us what happened to ya?"
"Well that’s simple. One night I had a weird dream where I was shot with a neon green laser with a swirling pink and cobalt blue tint. The next day I woke up, went to do some laps, and nearly crashed into the ground. I saw my reflection in some water and realized my face was square, so I went to Applejack for help." Rainbow finished to the nervous looks of the three crusaders. "You girls okay?"
Apple Bloom was the first to recover her confidence. "Oh, uh, yeah. The idea that you had a dream about magic zapping ya and then turning into a colt is just kind a’, I guess freaky."
"Yeah, freaky, hehe," said Scootaloo in an attempt to back up her compatriot.
"Freaky, hehe," added Sweetie Belle 'helpfully'.
The other two crusaders glared at her to be quiet.
"I guess," said Dash with some confusion.
"Uh, well, besides your face, what else changed?" asked Scootaloo both trying to distract Rainbow and somewhat curious.
Dash thought for a moment about how much to tell the crusaders. "Well, Twilight said I was changed at the generic level, so... everything. My voice is deeper, my face is square, and I have more muscle; which has really messed with my balance—"
"Sorry," mumbled Scootaloo quietly.
"What?" asked Rainbow.
"Oh, uh, sorry. That's gotta suck."
"Yeah, almost killed Derpy, or was it Ditzy... Aww I can never tell them apart. I need to remember to bring them one of Pinkie's special limeade apology muffins.
"Ohh," squealed Sweetie Belle, "The ones that start off pleasantly tart and become sweet as you eat!"
"The very same."
Again, the other crusaders scowled at Sweetie, this time for wandering off topic.
"Anyway," said Scootaloo turning back to Dash. "Does anypony know how this happened?"
"Nope," said Rainbow, "Twilight is at a loss, which kind of worries me a bit. I mean I'm not scared or anything, I just don't want this kind of thing happening to anypony else. It's been a real hassle."
"What do ya mean a hassle?" asked Apple Bloom.
"Everypony is overreacting in my opinion. But worst of all I got a reputation I need to protect," said Rainbow as she began to rant, "The Wonderbolts know me as a mare. If I turned into a stallion, questions would have to be answered, questions I don't know the answer to. Some ponies might think I had the princess turn me into a colt or something to get an edge, which would be completely off base. This square face is clearly not aerodynamic."
"Don't colts also have an outie?" asked Scootaloo with a hoof to her chin in thought.
"A what now?" asked Apple Bloom.
“You mean that stick thing?” asked Sweetie Belle now also curious.
“Ohhh,” said Apple Bloom, “you mean a [censored].”
“Yeah,” said Dash nonchalantly, “I got one of those too. It replaced my innie.”
“That,” said Scootaloo with a raised eyebrow, “has to be weird.”
“It is. But Zecora used her magic on me, so it shouldn’t be a problem for a while.”
“Why would it be a problem?” asked Sweetie Belle.
Rainbow collected her thoughts for a moment. “Well you see—“
“Wait!” interrupted Apple Bloom. “Are ya sure you should be giving us the talk? I mean isn’t that something families normally s’plain to their own foals?”
“Does it matter?” asked Scootaloo with surprising fervor. “Dash is like a big sister to me, and we both know that my mother is too busy to explain anything serious.”
“No.” said Rainbow. “She’s right. This is supposed to be something that families explain to their kids. But I know my parents didn’t explain any of this to me, and until this all happened I didn’t even know anything really. So if you want, I’ll explain what I know to ya, Scoots. But I think you two should ask your families to explain the differences to you. Apparently this is some big deal for some reason, so everypony feels they have to share their own feelings on the matter.”
Apple Bloom nodded. “I know my brother and sister said they wanted to tell me, but they never got around to it.”
Dash nodded. “Yeah, your sister couldn’t even talk to me about it, and we’re best friends. Maybe you should ask your brother.”
“That’s a good idea. I’m sure Big Macintosh knows everything about this sort’ah thing.”
“I’m sure I could ask Rarity,” added Sweetie Belle.
“Yeah,” said Rainbow, “She seemed to know about this. How about we get out of this forest and you can all go talk to your families. I can talk with you, Scoots, since I have taken you under my wing n’all.” Dash punctuated this by putting a wing over the now blushing filly.
“What were you doing here anyway?”
“Visiting Zecora,” declared Sweetie Belle.
The other two CMC winced, hoping Dash didn’t keep asking questions.
“Oh, well. I don’t think there is time for that today. It’s getting dark and we’re a bit off the path.”
“Yeah, that hydra sure did a number on us,” said Scootaloo with a heavy chuckle.
“Well then, let’s get you three home. You must be tired after being chased all the way out here.”
A collective sigh from the fillies signaled the end of the day’s adventure.
And somewhere, deep underground, a forlorn cricket continued to play.
Author's Note
The big reveal, it was the CMC all along, or was it [Duh duh DUH!] tune in next ~~week~~ chapter to find out more.
I always pictured Froggy Bottom as on a edge of the Everfree. For those who got confused, sorry.
Also; big thanks to Meeester and alt-tap for being awsome, again.
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"And Then Rainbow Dash Was a Colt," and Ten Other Really Awkward Stories
Chapter 9: Confessions, Realizations, and Child Defenestrations
Scootaloo took several calming breaths as she raised a tentative forehoof. Just do it Scootaloo, you know what you need to do. You did it before for yourself, and now you just have to do it again, for her. Her eyes opened. It's for Dash. This one, is for Dash.
Slowly her hoof inched forward, egged on by the love she held for the older mare.
Just stop thinking and do it, Scootaloo. DO IT!
"Hey Twilight," called Spike as he set down a cup of tea for the librarian pony, "any luck yet?"
"A little,” responded Twilight while trotting down the stairs. “Zecora's notes seem to suggest a combination of zebra, unicorn, pegasus, and even terrestrial magics, most likely earth pony. They each seem to provide something specific to the magical foundation for this matrix of spells leading to the conclusion that this must have been an intentional spell, but perhaps not the intended effect."
"What do you mean?" asked Spike as he began clearing a space for Twilight to set her inevitable walls of books.
"I think... I think this was a love spell," said Twilight. "Not like the love poison that the crusaders used on Big Macintosh and Cheerilee, but more of a spell to influence a pony." Looking over, Twilight caught Spike's confused look.
Twilight momentarily tapped a hoof to her chin. "Let's put it this way: you like Rarity and Rarity at least likes you as a friend, and maybe someday something more."
Spike beamed. "You really think she might?"
"Someday, perhaps, but regardless, if you were impatient and could move things along, would you?"
"I—" Spike stopped a moment in thought before sighing. "Probably not. I mean doing something nice for her sure, but I wouldn't want to use magic or anything, especially after the crusaders had to move that house all the way across town. Boy was that fun to watch though," giggled Spike.
Twilight shared a giggle. "But somepony else might not be as smart as you," said Twilight, bopping him lovingly on the nose before turning back to her notes
"So what? You said it wasn't like the poison."
"Exactly! Maybe they didn't want to force love, but they could use magic to make a pony… more receptive. Actually, they didn't even need to use magic, simple knowledge of some roots and plants could have helped, and may have even been used, but I think they chose to combine some different types of subtle magic to increase the chance of the desired outcome. The zebra magic used reminded Zecora of a way to link a pony to a receptor." Twilight turned to Spike. "Much like a voodoo doll in one of your comics."
"Oh, that makes sense I guess. Hey, how did you know about—”
"But," interrupted Twilight, "there is also terrestrial magic, similar to how an earth pony can accelerate plant growth. Still, there is also some unicorn magic. I guess it was an attempt to tie everything together, but the work is quite amateur despite an odd power signature. It's like two unicorns added to the spell, but the significantly less powerful one was in control. It might be the use of an enhanced gem as well, not that anypony uses those anymore, given the inherent dangers, but maybe somepony bought one of Rarity’s new designs."
"Oh yeah, man can that mare cook a gem!" said Spike before seeing Twilight's eyes go wide. "What?"
"Please tell me you aren’t eating her experiments, Spike, that's really dangerous even for a dragon."
"No no. After she checks them for radiation, she sometimes asks me to check them for damage."
Twilight raised a questioning eyebrow.
"Rarity has gorgeous eyes, uh, for gems, but I have the nose that knows, ya know," said a smiling Spike.
"I... guess that's okay. What happens to the damaged gems?"
"Well, sometimes they leak magic. Not the dangerous kind, that’s what Rarity is so careful about. But sometimes there is this, I guess I would call it a magical con-con… con-den-sation in the gems from other sources. I can smell it, but Rarity hasn’t—" said Spike before a knock at the library door drew their attention.
"Can you get that, Spike?" asked Twilight. "I need to go read up on Granite Grazer’s Geological Guidelines for Geniuses. You may have just given me the lead of the day. It’s not like anypony else would just walk in with new information.” Twilight paused with a glowing horn. “Just remember to stay safe and don't eat anything that Rarity has magicked, okay?"
"Ok, Twilight, glad I could help."
"You’re always a big help, Spike," said Twilight. "Don't forget that. I'll be in my room if you need me."
He smiled as he headed for the door, faintly registering the pop of a teleportation spell.
"Welcome to— Hey Scootaloo. What brings you to the library?" asked Spike as he pushed the door closed behind the filly.
"Oh, I, uh... actually had a question for Twilight," said Scootaloo hesitantly.
"Oh," said Spike, looking down. "I think she's kinda busy right now but she should have time." He smiled politely before turning to get Twilight.
Scootaloo managed to hold her convincing smile until the little dragon ascended the stairs, after which she collapsed behind the couch and closed her eyes, quiet except for a few sniffles.
A few moments later a small cry of surprise brought Scootaloo to her senses followed by faint exclamations. “I tol- you n-t to sneak up on -e -ike that Spike!
Get it together. Scootaloo had wiped the tears from her eyes and stood up as a sharp pop signaled the primary obstacle between Scootaloo and fixing her mistake.
Twilight sighed deeply before teleporting down to Scootaloo. "Okay, Scootaloo. What can I help you with, school report or crusading?"
"Oh, uh, crusading I guess?" Scootaloo said before looking down. "Actually it's more about fixing some damage we caused during a crusade."
"Okay..." encouraged Twilight with some trepidation. “Well, what happened?"
"Oh, uh, we... me and the girls that is," said Scootaloo as Twilight raised an inquisitive eyebrow. "We were experimenting with magic, to see if maybe Sweetie Belle or Apple Bloom were any good at that sort of thing."
"Wait, Applebloom?"
"Yeah, hehe...heh," chuckled Scootaloo who stole a quick glance toward the door. Twilight narrowed her eyes noticing something was afoot.
Whatever a foot was. Damnit! Why did I ever read that book of puns, did I just want to punish... never mind. I need to keep focused here, Scootaloo might — neigh; she knows something.
"Oh, uh, I think Applebloom was trying to grow some plants, and I think Sweetie was trying to make a light and a sound at the same time; she said it's hard to link two spells together so if she could do that she would get a cutie mark for sure."
Twilight blinked as a small smile crept onto her face. "So, Applebloom was trying to use growth magic, and Sweetie Belle was trying to link several spells together. Where did the zebra magic come into play?"
"Oh the zebra... um, I d-didn't say anything about, the zebra magic… eh-he." Scootaloo began fanning herself with her feathers as small beads of sweat began to build on her forehead.
"Oh, sorry. I thought you had said something about zebra magic," said Twilight as she slowly began to circle the squeamish filly.
Darn darn darn. Gosh darn sun of a hoof-less mare. All or nothing I guess.
"Nope! No zebra magic here… there… unless..." Scootaloo began before turning around to look at Twilight.
"Maybe, maybe Applebloom was trying to use a potion to help her, or something. You know how she looks up to Zecora and everything."
"Yes, that filly does have an odd fascination with zebra magic. Not that I blame her, it's fascinating. I've been working with Zecora a lot recently in fact."
Scootaloo gulped. "Y-you have. Whatever for?"
"Well," said Twilight levitating a kettle and some cups from the kitchen, "Something very strange has happened to Rainbow Dash recently. Has she told you about it?”
I’m as good as a cooked chicken, doomed. And now I’m thinking in AB’s voice.
Scootaloo's heart slowed to an occasional, but powerful, beat as her pupils dilated, unseen by the unicorn warming two tea cups behind her. "W-well, yeah. She got turned in-into, a t-totally awesome stallion. It, it kind of freaked me out a-at first to be honest, but she, he's still as awesome as ever," Scootaloo said honestly as Twilight sat a tea cup down in front of the filly while simultaneously sipping her own cup. "She even gave me the talk, she said it was the important talk, cause it's not like my—"
Scootaloo was cut off as Twilight's magical hold on her tea cup flared and flung the steaming mug away from her open mouth as steaming liquid spewed forth. "Ow!"
Scootaloo flinched at the sound. "Are, are you okay, Twilight?"
A bright flash from Twilight’s horn echoed from within her mouth. "Ow, yes Scoot-Scootaloo. I just, Dash isn't exactly the most informed pony concerning anatomy or the reproductive process," said Twilight, blushing. "I was just so stunned I stopped mid drink and... Oh shoot, I threw it all over my first edition of Magical Mayhem and Maladies of the Middle Magician's Era." Again Twilight's horn flared, followed by a rising, glowing globe of still-steaming liquid from the book.
"Well, at least the book’s okay," said Scootaloo with a shrug.
Twilight floated the freshly opened book. "Not really. You see here, Scootaloo, the liquid caused the ink to run. I can remove the tea, I can dry and repair the paper, but without knowing exactly what was in the book, I cannot fix the knowledge that this tome held. It's a problem that many magicians have tried to solve over the years but nopony has ever figured out how to repair the damage to ink on a piece of paper without knowing what was supposed to be there in the first place. Ink is not like a wall where you can put it back and just have the cells within wood connect again. It doesn't fit back together like puzzle pieces. It's just not possible to repair the damage."
Scootaloo's mouth dropped with the realization that Twilight had just lost a precious one-of-a-kind tome. "Oh no Twilight, I'm so sorry I—"
Twilight put a hoof over Scootaloo's mouth and winked. "It's okay, I can't fix it, but I can replace it."
"But, you said it was first edition? Aren’t those hard to find?"
"Yes," stated Twilight confidently, "But I am not replacing the book, Scootaloo, Remember I just need the information.” Scootaloo scratched her head with a hoof. “Here, let me show you."
Twilight's horn flared as a dark purple rose quartz popped into existence. "I store this in a secret fire and magic-proof safe. Unless you know the magical combination, even Discord wouldn't be able to harm it." Twilight floated the ball in front of Scootaloo. "Go on, take a look."
Scootaloo picked the ball out of the air with a hoof and placed it in front of her. A few pokes only managed to roll the ball languidly around in a little circle. "I don't get it."
Twilight smiled. "Here." Twilight shot a small lavender beam at the ball from her horn, and an image appeared in the ball.
Scootaloo's mouth dropped. "That's a, ah, uh, ugh... a list?"
"Right,” said Twilight beaming. “It's a list of all the books whose information I have stored in this special crystal," said Twilight with a smile. "I was inspired by Rarity's work with gem magic and came up with this practical little device. I call it a compiler, because it’s a giant compilation of whatever you put into it. Here.” Twilight pushed the ball under Scootaloo.
To Scootaloo, the image blurred momentarily before she was looking at a title page of sorts.
Compiler: Golden Oaks Library
Index: A Guide to Getting Guys An Animal in All (1st edition) Anomalous Animals of the Arid Andes (circa 1772) Aphrodisiac Zebrambabwean Aphids and You
The image suddenly began to move as Twilight rotated the ball away from Scootaloo. The text began to move up before disappearing to be replaced by new titles, all in alphabetical order. Just when the image showed, 'Magical Mayhem and Maladies of the Middle Magician's Era', Twilight angled the ball back to its original position before the list changed. She then rotated it again so the top was to the right and the image changed to the cover of the now useless book.
"It's basically a perfect copy of the book. I can use this to restore the text." Twilight beamed. "It will revolutionize not only the care of ancient books, but can be used to record a magical imprint of locations which will advance the care of archeology and construction as well. I'm hoping it will be nominated for a Neigh Bell Prize in magical science, though Rarity might give me a run for my bits. But at least they take into consideration all advances over the past couple decades, so perhaps we'll both win. Are you okay Scootaloo, you mouth is hanging open. Is something wrong with my ball?" asked Twilight as she moved to look directly down at the image. "Oh, it's turning blue, that just means I need to put it in the sun to recharge," said Twilight, levitating the ball into the light.
Scootaloo looked at Twilight. "If you have that, then why do you need to fix the book? It's obvious that you're magical ball is way more efficient than storing all these," said Scootaloo, gesturing around the room with her hoof.
Twilight looked aghast. "Why would I ever replace these books? They are much easier to read, and you can just turn to the page you want without having to scroll around. While my magical balls may be more efficient than books for storage, they are not practical for reading. The image is static and you have to stay in a specific spot to read which can cause cramping… as I have learned. It would also cost at least ten times the cost and time to produce a Compiler compared to a book."
"Yeah, but you're storing at least a hundred books on that—"
"97! But it can probably store twice that."
"Whatever. Look, can we just get back to Rainbow Dash's problem; I need to fix my mistake before her life is ruined forever!"
Twilight stared. After a moment Scootaloo began to blush with embarrassment and quickly hid her head beneath her hooves.
"Sweetie?"
"Scootaloo, but... yeah."
"What do you mean fix your mistake?"
Scootaloo's pupils shrank but remained safely hidden behind her hooves. "I, um, hurt Dash's feelings... On accident, and I, um... wanted to try and fix her, or the... er, magic affecting her. I figured we, me and the girls, heh, could try to get our cutie marks in, um, magical something-or-other... heh."
Twilight leaned down and placed her mouth right next to Scootaloo’s ear. “You will tell me everything. Do you understand?”
Scootaloo nodded slowly, closing her hidden, tearing, eyes.
“I want to hear you say 'yes ma’am.' Scootaloo, I know you made a honest mistake, but I need you to buckle up so we can get through this together. Can you do that for me?"
“Y-yes, ma'am."
"That's a good girl."
Author's Note
That silly little Scootaloo-scoot-Scootaloo...
What has she gotten herself into? Whatever it is, it better not take more than three chapters to finish.
Big thanks to Editors (in no particular order)alt-tap Meeester y1fellas (who I accidentally cited as asylum 1388. I'M SORRY, I'M SO SORRY!)
"And Then Rainbow Dash Was a Colt," and Ten Other Really Awkward Stories
Chapter 10: And Then Big Macintosh was Gay.
"Good day Twilight, I'm glad to see, a solution has come to thee," rhymed Zecora as she entered the Library.
Twilight smiled as she closed the door behind her friend. "Yes, well, after Scootaloo figured out that she's as bad at lying as she is at magic and flying, it became a lot easier," Twilight casually stated as she moved toward the basement. "I'm just glad she took such meticulous notes. I was actually kind of surprised. Usually the crusaders jump into things haphazardly but Scootaloo really put in a lot of studying. Too bad she's not a unicorn, I'm always keeping an eye out for diligent pupils.” Twilight's smile faltered as she opened the basement door and gestured for Zecora to enter.
Zecora raised a questioning eyebrow.
Twilight sighed as she shook her head, "Ponyville isn't known for its unicorn population."
Zecora smiled as she laid a comforting hoof on Twilight's shoulder. "Ah, I see. Low reproductively."
They giggled morosely at their shared isolation.
Twilight lit several candles as she entered after Zecora. The zebra could only stand motionless in awe. Before her, where normally a medium-sized circular room held a number of electronic machines and magical supplies were stored, was a pentagon-shaped room the size of Ponyville town hall. On the floor was an almost normal focusing circle with a number of pentagrams inside other pentagrams. It was a more intricate magic circle than anything Zecora had ever seen.
"Impressive," stated the zebra.
Twilight blushed. "It's really just a lot of work. I've had to isolate all the random and static variables of the spell, and break it down into several parts. Any spell that is cast, activated, or dismissed within the outermost pentagram should remain isolated for disposal in the receptacles I'm getting from Rarity later today. However I know little about the zebra magic used to link the maliation with the spell's host, so we may need to improvise." Twilight began to dance from hoof to hoof as she finished. "I'm kind of excited. This is going to be hard to pull off but I just can't keep the anticipation in. We're going to be combining long-forgotten magic with a modern scientific approach to dissect a multitiered miscast spell with five unique aspects from five, five, different types of magic. Did you bring what we need?"
Zecora put a hoof on Twilight' shoulder before calmingly addressing the hyperactive mare.
"Twilight, calm down, do you realize how you sound?"
Twilight blushed as she brought her energy under control.
Zecora nodded with a smile. "A host I brought, but care is needed. Chaos can be wrought if neglect is heeded."
"Understood," said Twilight smiling. "I won't let my excitement get ahead of me. We're all mature mares here right?" asked Twilight rhetorically as she smiled at the quietly snickering zebra. "Um, where is the host?"
Zecora smiled before pulling out two bags from behind her mane. One bag held an almost perfectly round, moist piece of fluorescent moss covering a piece of sodalite, almost the same shade as the magic dust Zecora had in the other bag. "Where would you like the host, my host?"
Twilight smiled like a filly. "Over here out of the way. I want to learn about it before we do anything."
I really should go talk to Rainbow.
The thought permeated Big Macintoshe’s mind from the cry of the first cock to unto the last of his chores. Not even lunch with Caramel could dissuade him from his quandary. As he finished slopping the pigs, he finally decided.
AJ don't know everything. Sometimes a stallion has got to do what a stallion has got to do. Big Macintosh looked up at the barn. And ain't nothin' going to get in my way. It's about time I stand up fer myself and take what I want, just like pause to say. I'm going to be my own stallion. I'm going to go get my dream mare!
Mac immediately became aware of a yellow hoof prodding his side. "Hey, Mac, you okay? Y'all been staring at yer barn pretty intensely fer the past couple minutes or so," asked Caramel with a touch of concern.
"Eeyup."
Caramel turned to stare at the barn. A few minutes passed before the yellow stallion turned to walk away. "Well, if ya'll need to talk, you know where to find me. I’m always here for you."
"Second road on the right, straight on till music," replied Big Macintosh with a smile.
"Yes sir."
"Twilight, something has my attention. What's the fifth source of magic that you mentioned?" asked Zecora with a frown.
Twilight looked up from her calculations with a smile and a gleam in her eye. "I don't know. Apple Bloom used her earth pony magic, Scootaloo added a feather, they used some of your magic floral ingredients, and Sweetie tied it all together with a crystal from Rarity which added two sources of Unicorn magic, one of which was slightly magically radioactive. But I have absolutely no idea what the fifth source of magic is. Isn't that exciting?"
Zecora frowned. "Then how will you isolate magic, without risking something tragic?"
Twilight puffed out her chest and thrust her proud chin into the air. "I isolated the magical frequency. It's something that I believe zebras aren't able to do." Twilight paused to look for confirmation. Zecora nodded to continue. "The forms of most magic cast from a being are tied to a magical frequency that can manifest in many ways. It’s why a unicorn's horn glows a specific color that can change over a pony’s life. The frequency slowly changes as the pony grows old. It's also why your powder is such a distinctive color. The plants you use have short lives in a controlled environment, leading to a near identical color. Dash's rainbow trail is another example, as is the distinctive sound of each earth pony's attempt to buck a tree.
"Ahh, I see. And with this frequency you can isolate the magic to study." Zecora smiled, pleased with the explanation. "But that seems simple, to isolate magic from you or me."
Twilight shook her head. "If I was just filtering out a single known energy that I had a sample of then it wouldn’t be that hard. But to isolate a unknown magic interwoven into a complex spell matrix...” Twilight sighed. “Normally there is too much magical interference to truly isolate an unknown variable from ambient magical signatures that occur all around us. It has to be done under completely controlled conditions. Light from the sun, for instance, carries Celestia's essence. If you are in contact with the earth, you pick up on ambient energy dispersed from any nearby earth pony. Even this tree gives off a unique magic aura. However in complete darkness within a non-permeable magic barrier, one can cut down on the ambient magic by 80%. In this case that was enough for me to isolate the frequency with ease because it was so unique. It's a very old type of magic. And as soon as Rarity comes with the receptacles, we can start isolating the different spell components. In the meantime I think you can start teaching me about the Zebra hosts.
Zecora smiled as she began to mold a burlap cloth around the solidate.
Okay, Mac. She's just a mare. All you need to do is... is... check the window to make sure she's there. Yes. Then you can make your move.
Big Macintosh switched the wheat to the left side of his mouth as he moved to the window in time to witness a flash of light from within.
"What in the—"
"And that's all that's needed to alter the host?" asked Twilight in awe.
"Yes. A recent true memory to forge, and a false one to digress," replied Zecora.
"May I?" pleaded Twilight with her best attempt to recreate Scootaloo's pleading face from the previous night.
Zecora nodded.
Twilight took the now Rainbow-shaped host in her hooves, careful not to contaminate it with her magic. She turned it over in her hoof. "Is, is that anatomically correct?"
Zecora blushed. "It is."
"Wow, it's so lifelike. I mean it has hair and everything. It even matches the color of her, sorry, his mane."
Zecora nodded. “That it true, see what else it can do.”
“So. Just alter the spell like–” Twilight's brow focused as she concentrated. With an audible pop, the figure transformed. “That?”
Huh, Ah coulda sworn she just had a... Nah, couldn’ uh been. She’s just glowin’ fer some reason. Pro’bly cause she’s so B.E.A.Utiful. Okay, that didn’t even sound good in mah head. Come on Mac; you can do this. As soon as she wakes up I’ll go in and tell her how I feel.
Okay, maybe Ah shouldn't wait around the window like this. Ah might give the wrong impression if’n she were to wake up.
“Good work, Twilight, I think you got it down right,” said Zecora.
“Thanks,” panted Twilight lightly. “You said you could change other things too?”
Huh, now she done gone and started glowin’ again. Maybe it’s just somethin’ pegasi do?
A loud pop echoed from the barn.
“Whaaaaahhhh?”
“Ohhh, a seapony!” exclaimed Twilight. “I’ve never even seen a sea pony before. This is so cool! May I try something?”
Zecora nodded.
“Uh,” mumbled Rainbow. “Why am I so dry? Gah, bright, why am I so bright? Huh, well that’s a thing.” Dash yawned. “Hmmm, tired. Mmmm, straw, you so cushy.”
“A filly?” inquired Zecora.
“Why not.” It’s not like the host is magically active. Can it even change Rainbow into all these things?”
“Not really, that would be silly. Innate magic stays the same; otherwise we could accidentally cause great shame.”
“Really?” asked Twilight.
“Really really,” said Zecora with a smile.
“So if we changed her into an alicorn, she would be able to fly but not use magic?”
Zecora nodded.
Caramel's lonely sigh echoed from next to Mac's quivering form.
"C-c-c-cara-mel?" asked Big Mac while looking straight ahead.
"Yeah, bud. I'm here for ya." responded Caramel placing a leg over Mac's broad, rippling shoulders.
"What was that?"
"Oh, that?" asked Caramel pointing up to the window above them. "That's just somethin' that happened to mares about once a month."
"Once, once a month?" asked Big Mac shakily.
“Yup, pretty harsh." said Caramel with a distinctly deadpanned expression.
"That's, that's horrible," said Big Mac looking up. "Should, should we check on her?"
"Nah," said Caramel dismissively waving a hoof.
Silence reigned for several minutes as the light went dim.
"I, I never knew. I mean AJ just, she never, I never noticed anything."
"I know, big guy, a lot o' mares hide it well. And sometimes, some mares have it worse than others."
Mac thought for a minute. "But, I gave Apple Bloom the talk and now... everything," Big Mac said before trailing off.
"Listen," said Caramel turning to Mac. "I've known you Apples pretty much my whole life. You've always had tough mares that could take care of themselves. But if you're worried 'bout your sister, then ask AJ ta give her a talk as well. Explain that it's probably best if she hears it from her sister anyway."
"Yeah, I guess you’re right."
"Okay," said Twilight. “Now that we got all sorted out, let’s go get something to eat then get Rainbow Dash for some experimentation."
Zecora nodded. "Yes."
"Come on, Mac, let’s go back to my place and I'll help you through this," said Caramel as he helped Big Mac to his hooves.
Big mac nodded solemnly.
"Oh come on," encouraged Caramel, "it won't be that bad. A couple of drinks, some nachos, maybe some Caramel Apple?" added Caramel with wiggling eyebrows.
"Yeah. Yeah I guess," responded Big Mac with a slight bit of enthusiasm.
"That's the spirit," replied Caramel with a mischievous smile. "I'm gonna show you a whole new world." Caramel grinned, quite pleased with himself. Big Mac also smiled, a tinge of confidence creeping into his lip as they walked side by side into the sunset.
Author's Note
Tune in next chapter for the Dramatic conclusion. Additionally I'll release the first side story at the same time ... The Surprise Surprise Party.
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"And Then Rainbow Dash Was a Colt," and Ten Other Really Awkward Stories
Chapter 11: And Then the Royal Sisters Joined in.
"That's the spirit," replied Caramel with a mischievous smile. "I'm gonna show you a whole new world." Caramel grinned, quite pleased with himself. Big Mac also smiled, a tinge of confidence creeping into his lip as they walked side by side into the sunset.
"And that, dear sister, is how you turn a straight colt ghay," mocked Princess Luna with a cheesy grin. "We could continue observing them of course, but I believe it is considered a private affair now a days."
Princess Celestia looked up with a cold blank stare that burned with the hint of celestial power. "I believe it is pronounced gay, dear sister, though I believe you have more pressing matters that need attending to."
"Yes yes," Replied Princess Luna, "I did say I would fix it, but first I require your conceit. And my prize."
"Why or course, dearest of sisters! I will make the arrangements, and you will begin fixing this."
"Why of course," dismissed Princess Luna, "In fact I already have the plans set in motion."
"Good," replied Princess with a sigh. "Now on to the agreement."
"Oh thank you dearest Luna." Came the sultry ethereal voice. "I very much enjoyed the show, it gets so boring trapped here. It was very kind of you to provide your royal viewing orb for me, especially considering our previous, mhmm, shall we call it a tiff?"
"Ohh, I do love that word. And our little tiff was in no way personal I assure you. I simply had to put the pony's under my care first. They were effectively my children and you threatened them."
"Oh pish posh." Came the traceless voice. "I've never killed a pony and I never will. Dead things are dreadfully predictable and as such dreadfully boring."
"Agreed," replied Princess Luna. "But still, maybe some day we can put this all behind us. I am glad you enjoyed the show my dear."
"Ahh Lula," said the sweet voice. "I do long for the day, alas, but it seems that even for the eternal, the time is never right."
"Tis true," replied Princess Luna broodingly letting the silence fall between the two of them. "So, are we in agreement?"
"Yes yes, the next time I get out you and your sister are off limits."
Luna nodded before planting a kiss on the garden's grotesque statuary. "Until next time my love."
"As always," replied Discord with a smile creeping into his telepathic link. "Next time."
Author's Note
For a list of the original notes for the series find those at this blog this blog .
A far superior squeal that you should be able to view before it's accepted to the site. Pinkie's Surprise, Surprise Party, Party!
Well, it's been a long and rocky road, full of a surprising amount of intrigue, a lot of great humor, and even some good one liners. I learned a lot from you, my editors, and my self. I might still have a few stories left to follow up with but if I do I will conduct them as one shots mostly. In fact I have released the primary side story, linked above. It is a follow up and direct sequel for all intents and purposes. I waited to release this final chapter until I had the squeal because, while this was the story I wanted to write and it finished how I wanted to finish. I thought you guys deserved to end on a much better note. The squeal is almost the length of this story but is complete done and features the much requested Apple/Dash shoved into awkward situations.
Something you probably didn't notice. I alternated the uses of Dash or Rainbow whenever it was not a character saying her name.
