Bloody Debauchery and Other Gentle Pastimes

“Why in the world do you need potato chips?” Sarsaparilla asked as she dragged a huge sack through the swinging doors of her saloon. She gave one final grunt and dropped the bag on the porch.

“Why in the world do you have an industrial sized sack of chips?” Locket counter-asked, looking down at the bag which had “Potato chips. Not for individual sale.” printed on it in brown lettering.

“I was gonna sell’em in tiny little bags an make ah killing.” Sarsaparilla said, tearing the top of the bag open. There were at least 500 chips in it, most of them surprisingly intact.`

“Ooo a risk taker. So what did you need potato chips for exactly?” Velvet asked, turning to look at Locket.

“I need them so that I can get answers out of that changeling.” Locket said, levitating a bunch of chips out of the bag in a blue aura.

“I say we cut his cock off and feed it to him.” Backsaw added in his opinion with a mischievous hint to his voice. All the while he was glaring at the changeling who in turn flinched back with a grossed out grimace.

“Backsaw my friend, that is an outstanding idea were it not for that fact that, she, is a girl.” Locket said, coming to stop in front of the black bug pony. She sat up straight and gave him a firm, confident look.

“Does she got an oval-positioner?” Backsaw asked, looking at the changeling in disappointment. His word choice made Velvet flinch in repulsion and got a few chuckles out of Locket.

“Ah-a a what? Ha! You mean an ovipositor? No, she’s got a vagina.” Locket said humorously, looking over at Backsaw with a bewildered grin. He shook his head and laughed a few more times before levitating a chip over to the changeling’s mouth.

“Hey! I’m not a changeling expert okay? And what, you’re just gonna feed it?” Backsaw complained, throwing a leg up at Locket and letting it fall back down limply. Locket simply continued to push the chip at the changeling who was now looking at him suspiciously.

“Come on. Eat the chip. It’s not going to hurt you.” Locket cooed, giving the changeling a gentle, unintimidating look. She looked at the chip, looked to him, and then back to the chip before biting into it. Immediately she let out a satisfied ‘mmm’, closing her eyes and chewing. Locket levitated another chip to her and she graciously accepted it, a soft crunching sound escaping her lips. Locket continued to feed her chips but turned around and faced the others.

“That you are not, so could you leave the changeling to me?” He asked Backsaw specifically, the changeling continuing to eat behind him.

“Does she at least have like antennae or two tongues?” Backsaw persisted, looking for anything sticking out on the changeling.

“No.” Locket deadpanned, turning back to the bug pony. She hadn’t stopped eating the chips and he had to levitate more out of the bag to satiate her.

“Well if we’re not cutting anything off then how are the chips going to help you get information out of her!?” Backsaw complained, kicking the sand in frustration.

“Like I said, i’m using them to help." Locket said, changing his attention to the changeling. "Now. You, tell me why your swarm is here?” Locket demanded, holding a chip just in front of the changeling. She began to buzz at him before giving him a sad look and looking down at herself.

“Ohh. Can’t speak Equestrian huh?” Locket asked, pursing his lips. She nodded. He sighed and slowly turned around.

“I thought changelings feed off of love mister. Why’s she eating chips?” Lilia asked, reaching into the bag and eating a hoof-full of chips herself.

“Changelings can only get nourishment from love but they can enjoy other foods. Spices like salts, sugar, and garlic are especially their favorites since it tickles their taste buds and marshmallows are for some reason really really calming to them. The effect is almost like cannabis…. uh weed.” Locket explained, giving the bug pony another chip.

“Ah, I get it. You were trying to make her feel comfortable?” Velvet asked, looking slightly impressed.

“Heh. Yea-no.” Locket said, placing a chip on the changeling’s tongue. Before she could chomp down onto it he whipped around and punched her right in the cheek, the changeling letting out a loud buzz and a resounding ‘crunch’ reported as he hit her. Velvet gasped, her jaw falling to the floor.

“I did it because when ponies have chips in their mouth they make a crunch sound every time I punch them.” Locket said innocently, shaking his hoof out from the impact. The changeling’s eyes shivered at how hard she had them pinched closed, recoiling from the hit.

“Now, I know you can talk so talk!” Locket yelled, shoving another chip into her mouth. A second later, another resounding crunch. Lilia giggled at this one.

“So ya just wanted my chips to make a crunch sound!? Oh c’mon!” Sarsaparilla whined, stomping her hoof on the porch. Locket continued to put chips into the changelings mouth and punching her. Lilia continued to giggle every time the 'crunch' sounded. Crunch, giggle, crunch, giggle.

“It’s fun. Wanna try?” He asked, gesturing for Soft to step forward.

“Well o’course I wanna try! Why didn’tcha ask earlier?” She said, grabbing a chip and punching the changeling right in the eye. She withdrew her hoof, shook it a bit and then put the chip into the changeling’s mouth.

“You know you’re supposed to put the chip in first, right?” Locket asked with a smirk. He looked back at the changeling, her eye already swelling up like a tomato.

“Lady, you wanna talk now?” Locket asked, looking at the changeling’s bad eye. All he got in response was some desperate buzzing. Locket shrugged and put another chip into her mouth.

“Wait!” Lilia called out, stopping Locket just before he punched the bug again. Everyone turned and looked at her with mixed expressions. The changeling took advantage of her reprieve from getting punched and quickly chewed the chip, swallowing with a loud gulp.

“I’ll get her to talk.” Lilia said, narrowing her eyes on the changeling mischievously. The bug pony drew back at her glare, trying to push herself through the post she was tied to. Lucky Lilia reached into the bag and grabbed a chip and started to trot toward the changeling, all the while the bug was shaking her head ‘no’ for dear life. With a grin, Lilia pushed the chip into her mouth and drew a hoof back.

“Okay I’ll tal-” The changeling yelled but was cut off when Lilia’s hoof landed smack dab on her jaw, forcing the chip in her mouth out onto the sand in a mix of salted potato peelings and blood. The changeling reeled from the punch, her head lolling back and forth dizzily. The birds flying around her head were almost visible at how much she lolled.

“I-I said I’d talk.” The changeling sniffled pitifully, not really sure where she was at the moment.

“Aww. Sorry ‘bout that, I was in the zone. Oops.” Lilia apologized with a shit-eating grin and a shrug.

“Lady, lady! Snap out of it! Why is your swarm here?” Locket asked, patting the changeling on the head a few times making he reel back in pain.

“We... We are migrating. Your town was here so we changed course in hopes of some food.” The changeling whimpered out, looking down at the floor.

“Yeah, but you didn’t expect your food to all have guns now did’cha?” Backsaw teased.

“Ignore him. So, what swarm are you? Persephone, Fillica, what?” Locket asked, sitting down in front of the changeling.

“I can’t tell you that. You’ll have to kill me.” The changeling said defiantly, looking away from Locket.

“I bet. Looks like we will have to kill you.” Locket replied without missing a beat. His horn glowed and he pulled his shotgun up to the changeling’s head, pressing the barrel into her ear.

“You sure you don’t want talk?” Velvet asked the changeling, already raising her hoof to block her eyes from the sight. The changeling remained defiant, closing her eyes and lifting her nose up.

“Well mad’am I do respect your loyalty. Tell your maker I said hi.” Locket said, taking his hat off his head and holding it on his chest.

“3...2…”

“Wait! Okay! I’ll talk....……..can I have some more chips?” The changeling yelped frantically, her calm demeanor vanishing to be replaced with fear and desperation.

“Are you sure? I can still pull on this thing here.” Locket asked, looking at the trigger of his gun quizzically.

“Yes, yes I’m sure!” The changeling cried, nodding her head rapidly.

“I read a book once that said most ponies don’t really know what they want. You might want to die?” Locket continued in a professional tone, one you’d expect to hear from a scholar.

“Yes!” The changeling screamed, trying to wriggle the gun barrel out of her ear.

“Oh? So you do want to die? Well it’s not like a gentlecolt to keep a mare wai-”

“No! Please! I swear to Gwynneth I don’t! Want! To die!” The changeling yelled, staring at Locket in a mix of fear and anger. His ears as well as Velvet’s ears perked up at that.

“Gwynneth? So you’re from the western coast? You’re a looong way from home lady.” Locket said with raised brows, making an ‘O’ shape with his mouth.

“Yes, yes I am can you please take the gun out of my ear?” The changeling pleaded, her voice trembling slightly.

“Sure.” Locket answered, slinging his shotgun onto his side once again. He put his hat back on and gave the changeling another chip. She accepted it, though she wasn’t as open about her enjoyment of the snack anymore.

“So...where exactly are you from? Gwynneth is a western saying, that is a lot of regions.” Velvet stepped up to changeling, taking over the chip feeding. She had a curious glint in her eye.

“I’m not telling you. I told him what he wanted.” The changeling retorted sourly.

“Oh you won’t?...okay.” Velvet said, nodding her head contemptibly. She took a step away from the changeling before turning and sending her hoof crashing into the bug pony’s mouth, an audible crack sounding while Velvet growled.

“We’re from an island….sorry.” The changeling croaked out, green blood beginning to drip from her nose. Velvet nodded her head at the changeling in a 'you better be sorry' way.

“Hold up...I’m confused? So we’re not going to shoot her?” Avalon broke in, cocking his head with a raised brow. Lilia, Locket, Sarsaparilla, and Backsaw all looked at him and shook their head.

“No. We’re not.” Locket confirmed.

“Aww damnit!” Avalon whined, kicking the dirt like a filly having a fit. Backsaw snorted, facehoofing.

“Colt you’re a few udders short from being a cow, you know that?” He said to Avalon from behind his hoof.

“Yeah but at least I don’t fuck them.” Avalon spat back.

“Oh yeah, like I haven’t not heard that one.” Backsaw rolled his eyes. Velvet grimaced at the stallion's choice of words yet again.

“Both of you shut up!” Velvet yelled, glaring at the two bickering stallions. “What does a few udders short of a cow even mean!? And what was the “not” for after haven’t!? It’s like you don’t even listen to yourselves….I’m going back inside.” Velvet ranted angrily before huffing and storming back into the saloon. Everyone fell silent, watching as the red mare went back inside.

“Heh…..mares, a’mright?” Backsaw said, awkwardly rubbing his neck. Mumbles of disagreement arose from the others as they all adopted their own awkward stances and glances.

“Most of us are mares you numbskull.” Lilia said, smacking him on the back of the head as she walked back into the saloon. Sarsaparilla followed after her, clicking her tongue once. Backsaw looked around at Locket, Avalon, and the changeling in confusion. Slowly a look of realization grew on his face and he started to count out loud how many ponies of each gender there were, using his hoof to keep track. After two complete minutes, with both Locket, Avalon, and the bug pony staring at him it finally dawned on the pony.

“W-wai-Hey! There’s the same amount of stallions and mares!” He cried out, stomping his hoof frustratedly. Locket and Avalon both busted out laughing, Avalon even pointing at Backsaw.

“You’re a real thoroughbred. A true mathematical genius.” Avalon joked, still laughing. Backsaw just looked at them blankly, not sure what it was he did was that funny. Avalon and Locket turned and trotted back into the saloon, both of them cracking up with laughs. Backsaw watched them go with a blank expression, turning to changeling quizzically.

“What’d I say?” He asked her. She just shook her head in disappointment.

“Oh hush.” He said, waving her off with a hoof. Backsaw took a step towards the saloon before seeing a small plume of sand in the distance. While the changelings still had a wall of sand surrounding the town there was a tiny carriage roaring across the desert headed right towards them. Nothing could be made out from the carriage other than that it was packed to the brim with suitcases, some even hanging off the side.

“What in tarnation?” Backsaw whispered to himself, squinting at the carriage. It continued to roll towards the town at a lightning fast pace, one could mistake it for a small train car if they were far enough. As the carriage neared closer, a small sign on the front of it grew legible. The sign read, ‘Canterlot Royal Stagecoach’