A documentary by Sunset Shimmer
“Is the camera on, Flash?”
“It is Sunset Shimmer,” said Salarius Precarius. “Could you please remind me why do you need me for?”
“Principal Celestia needs advertising for the next scholar period and I offered to help her with this video I’m recording, but I need someone who can operate the camera and with spare time to help me. I already told you last Monday.”
“Oh... I can do it.”
“Did you bring me the scientific names for everyone?”
“Yes, here it is,” Salarius Precarius gave me the list. “Is this supposed to be like one of those wildlife documentaries?”
“...Sort of.”
“Are you sure you want to do this?”
“...Maybe. Now let’s go, classes are about to start.”
We entered the classroom where Dominus Vagus was preparing her material for today, I spoke to her to made her understood the purpose of the camera, she agreed only if she appeared a considered period of time in it. I sit down on one bench and Salarius Precarius behind me so he could record the evidence and captured the rest of the students entering the classroom. When everyone was ready I took the microphone and started narrating.
“The human species, known for its development, goes through a period known for its harshness and cruelty where only the fittest survive; this period is easily known as high school.”
Through the window I could observe Speculum Narcicistus running as fast as she could, I swear I could hear her breathing and her sweat falling from her head.
“There is a common kind of student that experts call the tardy one.”
Speculum Narcicistus opened the door, exhausted and barely standing. A disappointed Dominus Vagus stared at her, like trying to have an explanation.
“Miss Cheerilee, there was this traffic you couldn’t imagine but for tomorrow I promise you to arrive early.”
“Tomorrow is Saturday Rainbow Dash.”
“I know, but you get the idea.”
I continued. “You may ask: Why is she the tardy one? Because she always arrived late and always has an excuse.”
“I don’t always have an excuse Sunset,” said Speculum Narcicistus as she looked pissed off at me. “And why she is recording me?”
“It’s part of a school project,” Dominus Vagus answered for me.
“Ok but what you said isn’t true: I don’t always have an excuse.”
“Really?” I questioned her sarcastically. “Flash, did you recorded Rainbow’s montage from this week?”
“Sure.”
“Just wait until the display Rainbow Dash.”
“Sunset I have a question?”
“What is it Flash?”
“Why did you labeled yourself as Successfulus Maximus?”
“Successfulus Maximus?” Speculum Narcicistus tried to contain her laugh from me and the others, but she couldn’t and the entire classroom filled with bursts of laughter.
“Laugh while you can.”
*Montage of the week*
Monday: Sleepy
“It’s Monday, everyone hates Mondays.”
“I don’t.”
“Shut up Twilight. Just because you’re the new one here doesn’t mean I won’t tolerate that attitude.”
Tuesday: Crying
“My pet tortoise died!”
“He’s not death, he’s hibernating. I already told you.”
“Thanks Fluttershy.”
Wednesday: Forgetful
*Dressed as a party woman*
“Today wasn’t Saturday?”
Thursday: Forgetful again
“While I was coming here I realize I forget my backpack and I had to return back home.”
“And your backpack?” asked the teacher.
*She’s surprise by that fact, starts searching and then returns running to her home*
“SHIT!”
*End of the montage of the week*
“I told you to edit that part Flash,” I was frustrated. “I cannot put cursing in the final version.”
“Ok, maybe I have some excuses but I’m not the only one. See you later Successfulus Maximus.”
Speculum Narcicistus chuckled, went to the rear of the classroom and chose a bench. Dominus Vagus took a paper and started to check attendance.
“Sunset Shimmer.”
“Here.”
“Twilight Sparkle.”
“Here.”
“Applejack.”
“Here.”
“Fluttershy.”
“Here.”
“A very curious kind of student is called Halley’s Comet,” I narrated. “Her presence is an event that very few have seen.”
“Pinkie Pie,” Dominus Vagus denied her and was about to cross her out until she responded.
“Here!” Decisionis Estupidus a Granelis raised her hand, desperate to receive attention.
“Huh?”
“Here Miss Cheerilee.”
“You are here? But you never come,” Dominus Vagus was shocked. “In fact we put your photo around the school.”
*Quick montage of the school’s walls, hallways and pillars with photos of Decisionis Estupidus a Granelis with the written lines ‘Have you see me?’ glued to them*
“Why are you here?”
“I don’t have Internet at home.”
Dominus Vagus continued and with an average of thirty classmates per room it can be tiring in the long run. Later we started our history class, but some of them were in another class because of their delays, like the girls sitting behind Salarius Precarius. I told him to focus the camera on them. One of them was writing so fast some of the notes from the previous class that she didn’t noticed us, she looked stressful and nervous.
“Um, Sunset, could you stop recording me, please?”
“This is Don’t Hug Me I’m Scared or D.H.M.I.S. for short. She can be identified by the fact that always sat in a corner, don’t speak often and have a very cute voice. But not all D.H.M.I.S. are calm or even wear the same clothes; I know one who wears a sweater.”
“I always feel that there are millions of eyes watching me and that makes me want to cry,” she said and was near to. “Should I take that as a compliment?”
“Sure,” said Salarius Precarius.
“Unlike the previous specimen,” I narrated. “This is easier to identify and find.”
“Sunset I may not see you but I can hear you,” said the one whom will be call from now on Excesivus Nepotismus. “Please be quiet.”
“Don’t you have more important things to do?”
“I’m on it.”
“Look the precision in her hands, look at the concentration of her eyes.”
She glared at us for a while. “I will not reach to copy-paste this in time. Fluttershy darling, can you borrow me your math’s notes?”
“But math is after recess. Now it’s history class.”
Excesivus Nepotismus sighed. “What a relief!”
“The words ‘home’ and ‘work’ are never in the same sentence.”
“If you had a job as I, you should know how difficult it is to balance school, work, your friends, your little sister who never shuts up and on top of that take time to eat well and have a proper beauty sleep.”
“Observe how relaxed she is until she noticed something’s missing.”
“What are you talking abou–” she stared blankly into the camera. “Oh crap, history’s task.”
“Don’t mention it,” D.H.M.I.S. whispered her. “Maybe the teacher forgot it.”
“Hey Miss Cheerilee, don’t you forget to check out the homework, right?” said Academicus Nerdicus loudly while raising her hand with the homework on it.
“This species is called Demon, whom can betray the vaguest members of the herd for her own benefit.”
“I almost forgot it,” said Dominus Vagus as she turned around to the classmate. “You’re right; you’ll have an extra grade on your test.”
The rest of the class glared her with bad blood.
“Her academic performance is inversely proportional to the socio-affective relationship with their peers, who will not hesitate to show their dissatisfaction.”
“You whor–”
“Sorry to interrupt you,” I said to Excesivus Nepotismus. “But no cursing.”
Both Excesivus Nepotismus and D.H.M.I.S. glared at me and then D.H.M.I.S. stood up:
“She’s a traitor! Chase her!”
Salarius Precarius and I cut the transmission and return to it on the near hallway where we were escaping from the horde. The camera capture all of my classmates chasing Academicus Nerdicus and us through the hallway, I remember she was even dropping her notebooks and pencils to save herself, all captured in slow motion. After Vice Principal Luna sent some security to control us, we had to get back to our classroom. I saw how Dominus Vagus picked the papers and in the moment she began to distribute those, all knew what was coming: it was an exam. Dominus Vagus changed everyone from place. We said to her that we needed to stay together so we could continue. She replied that we had to stop recording and only when both finished and gave ours to her we could continue the project without interrupting the others. We did it; the first ones we caught were Academicus Nerdicus and Speculum Narcicistus.
“This already tough phase is more recognizable thanks to the feared exams. For some this is as simple as sending a message by cell phone. This is The Egghead. There’s also the one who trust in other’s skillfulness, labeled the Cheater.”
Academicus Nerdicus was so happy answering her exam that she didn’t notice Speculum Narcicistus was looking her exam briefly until she made her retract with a little slap of her hand. A few seconds later the multi-colored hair girl took out her cell phone and took photos of her exam, but the purple girl dissuaded her only to note later that her entire exam was replaced with a paper with an image of a drawn middle finger in it. She turned to her right to notice that Speculum Narcicistus had stolen her exam; minutes later Decisionis Estupidus a Granelis approached both girls to do the same. Salarius Precarius zoomed in and recorded D.H.M.I.S. and Pomum Obsessivus who were sat on the other extreme of the classroom, D.H.M.I.S. was laying her head on her bench and I swear I heard her cry silently, as for Pomum Obsessivus she felt sorry for her and was indifferent to the exam, to the point of leaving it on her bench. First I thought she didn’t answer it but time proved me wrong.
“For some pressure is overflowing this is the case of the suffered student, as for others...”
“Meh, Ah didn’t study anyway.”
In the cafeteria we continued recording, and it was the perfect opportunity to have everyone for the video: freshmen, preps, ROTC guys, JV jocks, nerds, cooler ones, varsity jocks, unfriendly hotties, the ones who eat their feelings, the ones who don’t eat anything, desperate wannabes, burnouts, sexually active band geeks and the best one: the greatest friends you’ll ever met. I approached their table but they looked at me with a little remorse.
“Hey girls,” I said. “How’ve you been?”
“Could you turn the camera off?” asked Excesivus Nepotismus. “It’s starting to become annoying.”
“Just say something to the camera,” I tried to encourage them. “Something inspirational for the newbies.”
“Ah hope ya don’t act like us have did in this last year,” said Pomum Obsessivus. “Ya can be better people sugarcubes.”
“Is that the best you could say darling?” Excesivus Nepotismus questioned her.
“Like if ya could say somethin’ better.”
“Let me try,” Excesivus Nepotismus posed for the camera. “You can love someone deep inside your heart and there’s nothing wrong with it. If a lot of people loved each other, the world would be a better place to live.”
There was an awkward silence surrounding the cafeteria.
“Really?” Pomum Obsessivus questioned her. “That’s the cheesiest and corny quote Ah’ve ever heard in mah life.”
Salarius Precarius noticed something in the background of the shot: Decisionis Estupidus a Granelis eating a ton of her desserts and pastries really fast.
“Why is Pinkie Pie eating alone and in the middle of the cafeteria?” he asked us.
“Pinkie Pie’s eatin’ alone!” exclaimed Pomum Obsessivus to the rest. “Chase her!”
Salarius Precarius and I followed them as they were chasing Decisionis Estupidus a Granelis through the exit and into the hallway, meanwhile I returned to the narration and making sure Salarius Precarius was holding right the camera on and, like before, Decisionis Estupidus a Granelis was throwing away her desserts to save herself, all in slow motion.
“At recess there’s a species known for keeping food rations for herself, she is called Kirby.”
I cut the transmission and didn’t turn the camera on again until we reached the classroom. Dominus Vagus started to give the students their exams, I still remember their faces: Decisionis Estupidus a Granelis was dizzy because everyone stepped on her while they took away her candies and desserts, D.H.M.I.S. was frightened and nervous, Excesivus Nepotismus was busy taking selfies with her cell phone, Speculum Narcicistus was uninterested and bored, Pomum Obsessivus was indifferent and Academicus Nerdicus was happy as Tartarus. I, on the other hand, continued the project.
“The easiest way to identify a student is the grades.”
“Twilight Sparkle,” Dominus Vagus said and Academicus Nerdicus looked at her without removing her smile. “A-. Great.”
Suddenly the smile vanished and was replaced by a horror face and a loud scream.
“NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!”
“For Academicus Nerdicus getting a grade below outstanding it’s equivalent to the end of the world.”
“My scholarship went to fuck!” she took her exam and tore it to pieces, accompanied with tears and tantrum.
“No cursing please!” I complained to her before I grabbed the camera and focused it on me. “Principal Celestia, if you’re seeing this I beg your pardon.”
“Rainbow Dash,” Speculum Narcicistus looked at the teacher with uninterested eyes, like she was expecting the worst and knowing she was used to it, she didn’t seem to mind. “C.”
“Unlike Academicus Nerdicus look how Speculum Narcicistus changed her unamused and bored expression to an excited one and a big smile is now covering her face. Why? Because for the vague getting a grade that hasn’t an F it’s a real personal triumph.”
Speculum Narcicistus began to kiss her exam and rub her results in everyone’s face.
“YES, YES! This is so AWESOME. LICK MY ASS SUCKERS! YEEEEEEEEEES!”
From nowhere the teacher’s hand appeared and snatched away the exam.
“Sorry, I was wrong,” Dominus Vagus delivered the exam to the real owner, while Speculum Narcicistus changed her expression from happy to shocked and heartbroken. “This is for Applejack.”
“And the student whose life is like the nine multiplication table.”
“C! ...Another day, another apple.”
“Not as easy or as hard.”
At the end of the class everyone, and I mean everyone, including me and Salarius Precarius, was looking at the clock above the blackboard.
“But not everything is pressure in this phase because, like a herd of ponies that hopefully wait the drought’s end, sooner or later the holiday vacations arrive.”
The bell rang.
“Well,” said Dominus Vagus. “It seems that the last class of the year has ended.”
Everyone stood from their benches and celebrated, some of us even throw the books out of the window, others hugged each other and a few screamed so loud that the walls rumbled. None of us realized that Dominus Vagus trolled us with one last task as she was packaging her things from the desk.
“Now for the holidays I need you to do the algebra exercises from page 5 to 146.”
At that moment we heard the silence surrounding the classroom and we kept quiet, immobile and staring at her. Until Decisionis Estupidus a Granelis broke the silence.
“She’s a traitor, chase her!”
The entire classroom repeated the chase scene for the third time, once again in slow motion.
“Flash, where are you going?”
“Sorry to leave you but I won’t miss a chase. Hope your project works Sunset.”
Salarius Precarius dropped the camera, I picked it up and finished the recording.
“Now that you have discovered the fascinating species that hid in this incredible world, if you’re interested in subscribing to Canterlot High School call to the number onscreen or visit our website . This is Sunset Shimmer aka Successfulus Maximus and this has been Types of Students. Now if you excuse me I have to go after a teacher.”
*Camera off*
Author's Note
-First (and only) story set in the Equestria Girls universe and first story narrated in first person (redundancy is redundant)
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-Originally Derpy was the cameramen (or camerawoman) but after what happened with my Them's Fightin' Herds fic I replaced her with Flash Sentry (reluctantly, but oh well).
-All the "scientific names" were investigated and inserted depending on each character's personality, traits and role. Some were written in real latin and others followed the "Wile E. Coyote and the Roadrunner" formula. The only exception was Fluttershy because the nickname of the Internet series of the same name fit her better.
-Original cover:
