Death by Pie

by CeresBane

Rating: teen
Tags: Pinkie Pie, Discord, Twilight Sparkle, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Dark, Comedy, Romance
Length: 1631

Pinkie pie is evil

Pinkie Pie consorts with Discord as they let loose a bout of unadulterated chaos upon the armies that fight for Canterlot. Their sadistic sense of humour showing through as death both horrible and hilarious ensues.

Disclaimer: this is a War for Equestria group story. Link is found below for more information on the universe and fanon.

http://www.fimfiction.net/index.php?view=group&group=703

Published 2012-07-15 22:44:03 UTC
Last updated 2012-07-15 22:44:03 UTC

Death by Pie

Canterlot castle was a cursed place, devoid of mortals and ever surrounded by the chaos of war and death. This was a place where only gods and demon could be. It was where they all belonged and where they all converged. For here was the seat of power that defined the fate of Equestria.

Sat on the Equestrian throne Discord contented himself with the mare that took after his own heart. Pinkie pie nuzzled against Discord's mane while they lazed on the wide and grand chair the queens of the day and night called a throne. Before them, on a tiny little trolley, was a TV of which Discord absently held the remote for, impossibly channel surfing between various sites of Equestria.

"You're going the wrong way cupcakes!" said Pinkie pie in quite unnecessary hysterics. As if a speeding object was coming their way and Discord had sealed their fate.

Growing impatient Pinkie pie snatched the remote from his, err.. grasp? and took it upon herself to balance the remote on one hoof and press with the other. Unfortunately, not knowing her own strength, she crushed the device under hoof and following it's fate the television exploded in their faces.

Don't watch TV so close to your face kids!

"Must be a bad reception, dear." said Discord, bored out of his mind. He merely stared blankly at the charred space that use to be their entertainment.

"Oh! It's my tail! It's my tail! It's a-twitch a-twitchin'! And you know what that means! The twitchin' means my Pinkie Sense is telling me that stuff's gonna start falling!" Discord slowly turned his head to look towards Pinkie pie. Sure enough, her pink puffy tail was shivering like some sort of little creature freezing it's little flank off. Pinkie smiled as he continued staring and it only grew wider with each moment. It was just so infectious that Discord couldn't resist to have one himself. After all, Pinkie sense meant only one thing.

"A battle!" Discord exclaimed tapping his hooves on the hard marble floor into a riotous rhythm.

"Let's go outside." They said to each other and in an instant they were gone.

-

Reappearing at the city gates they looked down into the base of the mountain as the armies of day and night gathered. But given the scenario, gathered would be a much too orderly word to describe it.

Falling from the sky meteors of gargantuan proportions decimated both lines, forcing disciplined ranks to scatter into chaotic skirmish. With no prompting from their own leaders, some of the armies' front lines opted to charge as an instinctive counter offensive. As if they assumed that the enemy had begun their assault and they had fallen into a trap. Utterly oblivious to the plight of the enemy suffering the same fate, as ponies on both sides died. Their fates being either crushed by giant falling space boulders, of which some rolled or dragged across the field leaving behind a dirty red streak upon the earth, while others merely exploded on impact incinerating hapless ponies.

Pinkie Pie and Discord were in hysterics.

What foals! None of them can understand what is happening in the chaos, so they all blamed each other for causing it!

"Your magic has gotten so much better." began Discord wiping a tear as recovered from the laughing fits. "Oh I'm so proud of my little pinkie-us pie-icus. So random. So chaotic." He couldn't resist the urge to just hug her close and kissing her cheek.

"Oh look at the ponies charging!" If Pinkie noticed Discord's antics she gave no sign as she pointed with a fore-hoof at the ponies galloping across the field, readying to clash.

Discord smiled and raised his fore-leg to click his fingers. He grimaced when he realised once again that he was a pony right now. No fingers, you foal. It took him a minute of thought but he'd found his solution quickly enough. He hopped his hind-legs to the side and with a resounding click of his heels, he managed to work his magic.

Instantly the grassy plains of the battlefield shifted into soapy mud, causing many ponies much discomfort. some sank and slowed at thick pools of the sludgy, soapy stuff embedding them into the earth, causing many a pony to trip on these entangle ponies further causing extra falls and tumbles until a huge pile up occurred. Those who didn't suffer that fate quickly found that they merely couldn't stop as they futility pawed at the ground for give but only finding themselves slipping on the surface as they sped across the crowd, crashing head long into ponies speeding the opposite direction. The collective impact of a thousand ponies smashing into each other at galloping speed, resounded with the sound of at least a million broken bones.

Once again Discord and Pinkie pie were in hysterics, rolling on the ground with raucous laughter. They pointed and laughed as ponies were slaughtered by the opposite taking advantage of the immobilised ponies. And on unstable ground they faced each other in the chaos of combat, surrounded by the dead of their allies and foes.

"Ooooooh! Ear flop, then knee twitch, then eye flutter! That means the sky is about to be graced with a beautiful rainbow!" Pinkie exclaimed.

Ponies of both sides had reinforcements arrive. The Lunar republic air force deploying their fleet of heli-cycles (a rediscovered Pinkie pie invention) out their huge airship. While the Solar empire's Wonderbolts brought a flock of pegusii labouring along patches of black storm clouds. Sure enough, at the head of the imperial air force was a grand sky chariot that carried Twilight Sparkle across the sky, with Rainbow dash pulling her along leaving behind a rainbow at their wake.

"Awww... isn't it nice to see old friends?" Pinkie said endearing, forming a smile made only by a long deep seated nostalgia.

"No friends of mine." Discord replied pouting.

"Mine neither." Pinkie chirped which brought Discord a small chuckle. Oh Pinkie... You're so random. Having the joy of not being met with any disapproval by his nearest and dearest, Discord made to click his heels once more.

The ponies on the ground were having a hard time of it. With the ground as slippery as it was ponies killed each other by accident more often than by their own skill. Great war heroes, slain by a slip of the hoof and cowards slaying dozens by just dumb luck. The ratio of ally to enemy kills however favoured the former and distrust across the field was apparent, as loyalties shifted back and forth with every passing moment. And then it rained, thunder rolled and lightning flashed. Bombs exploded and noxious smoke released. In the disarray no pony was spared to suffer a few pains and deaths, as flesh burned, lungs blackened and ponies drowned.

And then it started raining chocolate.

The black storm clouds and the great gouts of smoke the republic vomited across the sky turned into pink clouds of sticky, entangling cotton candy. Forcing everypony across the sky to struggle against it. However gravity was working it's magic and the ponies of the sky were fast approaching a date with Equestria. Collectively they rained into the mushy mud, many a pony blinded by the dirty water and struggling in the sucking mud and sticky clouds. No pony could stand, nor fight. As they were, they were ripe for the slaughter.

And slaughter is one letter away from laughter.

"Aaaawwww... she flew away..." Pinkie watched as general Twilight Sparkle retreated from the field at great speeds, leaving behind a beautiful rainbow by the hoof of her rainbow maned familiar.

"Ear flop, then eye flutter, then knee twitch!" Discord noted the involuntary actions of his touch of pink.

Out of nowhere a door appeared in Twilight's path side ways to her. Confident that she would miss it, she ordered Rainbow dash to rush past it.

And then it opened.

Discord was pounding the ground as he wheezed, struggling to find the air to breath and laugh. When the door opened it had revealed itself to be as wide as a gate and Rainbow dash crashed headlong into it causing the familiar to make a beeline dive towards the ground. Twilight quickly working her complex spell jumped from the falling chariot and flitted in the air as her wings poofed into existence. Falling at terminal velocity it would be difficult to fly, especially with delicate butterfly wings like those. However flapping as hard as she could did, she did begin to slow down. She still hit the ground. Hard. However it didn't seem hard enough as she continued her retreat, limping away from the field until she gathered enough energy to teleport.

"She couldn't have gone far. We can still-" Discord put a hoof over Pinkie pie's pie hole. He hated seeing her unhappy like this, that war face on her. That angry pouty little Pinkamena. When she's like that she thinks far too logically. Besides Twilight, by Discord's omniscience, was heading straight for a relief force she most likely prepared for just such an occasion. Together they were powerful to take on such a force. But added with Twilight? Not a chance in Tartarus.

"Pinkie my dear, I think you are forgetting that we have our guests to attend to." Discord put a leg over Pinkie pie's shoulder while he motioned to the field of captured party guests below.

Pinkie's perceptual smile returned and her previously straight mane exploded into the puffiness it use to be with the signature sound of farting balloons.

"These guests don't deserve a party my cupcakes." Pinkie Pie began. "These ponies will get a PAR-TEH!"

"Well... let's not keep them waiting."