Speed Dating

by BlueColton

Rating: everyone
Tags: Random, Main 6, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Comedy
Length: 3165

So you're sitting at a table with a pony and she's telling you about herself...

So you're sitting at a table with a pony and she's telling you about herself...maybe you should have stayed home.

Published 2016-05-26 23:10:01 UTC
Last updated 2016-05-26 23:10:01 UTC

Should have stayed home

Hello there.

My name’s Twilight Sparkle. But I guess you knew that already. It’s on my name tag, right?

Oh. Well that’s an interesting name. What I mean is that it’s not a very common name where I’m from.

Me? I’m from Ponyville. Have you heard of it? No? Hm. That’s strange. It’s just with all the crazy things that happen around there it’s hard to find somepony who hasn’t heard of it.

What? You never heard of that word? Somepony? Yes, it’s real. It’s a permutation of “somebody” and “pony.” We use it all the time. What do you use to arbitrarily describe someone you never met?

Really?

Sup? I’m Rainbow Dash. As in the fastest flier in all of Equestria!

I’ll be honest with you, kid. You got to be real quick to keep up with me. I ain’t into no slowpoke, you get my drift?

Why are you looking at me like that? You think…? Whoa! I didn’t mean it like that. I mean I’m fast but I’m not FAST, you get me?

I ain’t easy if that’s what you’re thinking. I know I’m something to look at, but it takes a lot to impress me. And I’m not easy to impress. So start impressing!

Howdy. Ma name’s Applejack. No need to be so formal like. It’s Applejack. Not Miss Jack. It’s all one word.

Honestly, Ah don’t even know why A’m here. Ma friends thought it’d be nice to get out of the barn an’ try ma hoof at datin’. Now this ain’t ma first rodeo, if ya get ma meanin’. Ah just thought Ah see what all the fuss was about.

Ah mean, can ya believe what some ponies will do just to socialize with the opposite gender nowadays? Whatever happened to meetin’ somepony at the hoedown, buyin’ some apple cider and dancin’ the night away by the barn? That’s how ma folks met.

What’s that? Oh yeah. Ah did grow up a farm. Howtcha know?

Good evening, dear. My name is Rarity Belle. But perhaps you have heard of me. I’m the owner of various boutiques across Equestria. Well, technically I only have shops in three cities. Make that two cities and a hamlet, but the franchise is still growing.

I see you’re staring at my esemble. Do you like it? I spared no expense. I refuse to go out in anything less than my best for you see, I am an artist!

Why thank you! What a lovely thing to say. So tell me a little about yourself. Really? That is interesting. Reformed?

And then I was like “You ain’t gonna catch me, copper.” And he was like, “Oh yeah?” And I was like, “Yeah!” And he was like, “Don’t bet on it.” And then I said, “I don’t gamble.” And he said, “Well neither do I.” So I said, “Really? Cause it looks to me like you’re gambling with your life.” And then he said, “That’s fine, cause I’m tired of living anyway.” So then I said, “Well good, because you’re not leaving this room alive.” And then he said, “Oh yeah.” And I said, “Yeah.” And then he said…

Hey, where’d the other guy go? It’s time up already? Sheesh, and I was just getting to the good part. That guy really liked my bank heist story. I guess I just got carried away and forgot to look at the clock.

Oh, well. My name’s Pinkie Pie. That’s P-I-N-K…

Um…Hi. Ahem! My name is…um…Fluttershy.

Excuse me. I said…my name is…Fluttershy. It’s…um…nice to meet you.

I’ sorry. Did you want to ask me something? It’s okay if you didn’t. Um…I don’t have a problem just listening. I like to listen. It’s usually what I do.

Oh…okay. I…I like animals…and…um…tea, I guess…and animals…oh…I think I already told you that.

Sorry.

And I just love Stag Horeson. Have you read his last book? Oh, you just have to pick it up! His analysis about complex relations between welfare state retrenchment, neoliberal corporate and economic practices, and politsized gender construction is just fascinating! It endorsees a pragmatic acceptance of a neoliberal world order that is delocalized, deoponified, and misogynistic.

I’m sorry. I get all giddy when talking books. I just love reading. I used to live in a library. No, really! I did. That is until, you know, some maniac blew it up.

It was all over the news. Tirek, this centaur demon, escaped Tartarus and tried to take over Equestria by stealing everypony’s magical abilities, therefore making him a god over all creation.

You really never heard about it? Hm. That’s strange. Where did you say you were from again?[/color]

Yup. It’s not easy keeping all this awesomeness bottled up inside. Sometimes you just got to let it all hang out…hey, why are you laughing? Did I say something funny? Wait…oh. I get it. Yeah that is kind of funny. I mean let it hang out.

You know my friends don’t always get my sense of humor. It’s like I was supposed to be born a stallion or something. Don’t get me wrong, I’m all mare. But I can’t help it if I like dirty jokes. They’re funny.

Want to hear one?

Okay.

A pegasus, a griffin, and an earth pony walk into a bar…

Then ya got yer Golden Delicious Apples. And ya got her Red Delicious Apples. Sweet Apples. Empire Apples. Honeygold Apples. Cameo Apples…

Yup. Ah pretty much know all there is to know about apples. Just ask me anythin’.

Do Ah eat other things? Well of course Ah do. Ah eat hay. What? Ya never tried it. Well what in tarnation do ya’ll eat where yer from?

Really?!

So ya mean ya’ll…?

Really?

Then ya just…?

Really?

Oh but you are just the living end! How ferociously astute of you! I dare say they never went back to that establishment again.

My but you have such remarkable stories. Tell me, why is such a strapping young, well, gentlecolt like yourself still single? I can’t believe the ladies aren’t just tearing each other’s manes off to get you.

Come now, darling. Don’t be so modest. I can’t believe there isn’t a single one at home who hasn’t shown the slightest interest in you.

Hm? Oh, well I do find you interesting. Why thank you dear. It does bring out my eyes. Thank you for noticing!

And Discord’s just so funny. I mean, really, REALLY funny. He tells the best knock-knock jokes. You want to hear one? Okay. Here’s my impression of the two of us.

“Say, Pinkie Pie.

Yes, Discord?

Knock-Knock.

Who’s there?

An interrupting cow.

An interrupting cow w…

MOOOOO!”

Isn’t that just the funniest thing you ever heard? I almost burst my seams just laughing so hard. Oh he’s a riot. Who’d have thought a guy that nearly destroyed Equestria a thousand years ago could be such a kidder?

What? Oh, something hoopla about tearing apart the fabric of space and time and plunging the world into the fifth realm of chaos. It’s a real place, mind you. I’ve been there. Sabbatical. You see I wanted to travel when I got out of college so I…

Um…so what do you like to do?

Oh. Okay.

That’s nice, I guess.

Not that I ever tried it, so I can’t say if it’s bad or good. I just think it’s nice.

Huh?

Oh, goodness. I could never do that!

It sounds dangerous. Well, no I don’t like to live dangerously. I mean…my friends get into dangerous situations all the time.

Oh, well I suppose when you look at it that way…

That’s right. I am a princess. An alicorn, actually. There’s five us now. My sister-in-law just had a baby and she’s just so…

Huh? What does it take to become an alicorn? Hm. I never stopped to think about it. Well, you have to be a pony, of course. And female. WelI don’t know why that’s a prerequisite. It’s just all the alicorn princesses so far have been mares and I don’t think…

No. There’s nothing wrong with a male alicorn. But I don’t think my brother would take kindly to being called Princess Shining Armor.

What?! Equestria is not a matriarchal society! We have plenty of males in high places. You want names? Well fine. There’s my brother who’s a…consort, I guess. There’s Prince Blueblood whose…a royal pain. There’s….um…Fancy Pants…yes, that’s a guy’s name!

…hic!....and then the…chuckle…the short stallion looks to his friend and says…snort…”Well at least it’s not my underpants!”

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

Oh come on! Don’t you get it? NOT his underpants? That joke had them rolling at the Wonderbolts Academy.

Say what? You’ve never heard of the Wonderobolts? Are you kidding me? No I’m not overreacting! How can you not have heard of the Wonderbolts? They’re only the greatest team of pegasi to have ever lived. They’re living legends. They’re the best fliers to have ever graced the sky.

They’re my HEROES!

What did you s…what…oh no…No…NO!

Forget this! Next guy! I don’t care! I’m not waiting for the buzzer! NEXT GUY!

Well it’s not easy to find a date when ya smell like a barnhouse. Ah work from dusk till dawn on the fields, buckin’ apples, pullin’ carts, feedin’ the animals. At the end of the day Ah’m plum tuckered out! Ain’t nothin’ left to do but eat, shower and hit the hay before the sun comes up.

Yup. That’s mah life in a nutshell. Well that’s nice of ya to say. Ah do take pride in mah work. So what do ya’ll do for a livin’?

Ah never heard of that. What’s that do? Heh! Sounds easy enough.

Come again? You get paid HOW much? For doin’ that? Are ya pullin’ my tail?

Shoot! Ah’m in the wrong line of work!

It’s so dreadfully hot in here. I don’t know how you can stand it.

Why yes I think I will take off my sweater. There! Much better. Hm? Oh, but I suppose I would feel more comfortable without my shawl. Do you like it? It’s cashmere.

Now then, I am wondering…oh? My blouse? Well I hardly think this is the appropriate time or the place to remove…

But of course ponies don’t wear clothing most of the time, that doesn’t mean we enjoy strutting around in our birthday coats everywhere we go. We do have some dignity when it comes to….

I beg your pardon! Sir, you have stepped too far! Why I am outraged that you would even suggest…

I am not a tease! Where would you get such an idea?

What? WHAT? How dare you? I’ll have you know that I am friends with the princess of friendship and can have you thrown in her dungeon for even speaking to me in such a manner.

You think I’m bluffing?

Fine! Where is she?

Twilight!

…and when I woke up I was surrounded by strawberry cannibals! That’s right. In Soviet Equestria, food eats you!

So there I was with nothing but a stick and a chewing gum wrapper in my hoof.

I knew if I wanted to live I’d have to find the mystic belly ring of mint chocolate and place it back on the pedestal or else the strawberry cannibals would sacrifice me to their smoothie god to gain favor in their war against the banana people of the potassium plains.

But I had lost the ring in the celery stalk jungle after escaping the potato men. In order to get back I had to travel back up the Riggatoni River and brave Dead Marshmallow’s Gorge before encountering the Egg King in his hardshell throne in New Yolk City with…

Are you hungry? I’m hungry. Where’s that waiter?

Oh well I don’t have many hobbies outside of taking care of my animal friends. I read sometimes…

What kind of books? Storybooks, mostly. Angel Bunny can’t get to sleep if I don’t read him a bedtime story.

Why yes I do talk a lot about Angel Bunny. He was the first friend I made when I fell to the surface as a filly. He’s was so cute! I just love his bushy tail. Now he just scowls a lot but I know he means well. After all, rabbits are good luck, right?

What do you mean “just their feet?” Isn’t there an old saying about bunny rabbits and…?

What do…what? WHAT? OH MY. THAT’S NOT TRUE! IT CAN’T BE TRUE!

…there’s the mayor of Manehattan whose name escapes me at the moment. Sheriff Silver Star , though I guess he’s more of an authority figure than an actual ruler. Then there’s…

Oh! There’s my friend Rarity. She looks peeved.

Twilight! Thank goodness you’re still here.

Where else would I go?

That cur over there made some very suggestive comments about me and I would like to have him incarcerated in your deepest, darkest dungeon.

Who? Him?

Yes. Him.

What’d he say?

Things that I as a lady cannot repeat in civilized conversation. Rest assured they were very uncouth. Yes, I am calling you uncouth, you vile cretin! Such distasteful mannerisms are not befitting a refined setting.

This is a bar, Rarity.

Nevertheless, have him taken away.

Where?

To your dungeon, of course!

Rarity, I don’t own a dungeon. Ahem, can you excuse us for one moment? Thank you. Come here, Rarity. Don’t you think you’re taking this a bit too far?

I daresay I’m not taking this far enough. If you only heard what he said about me you’d throw him in chains yourself. And what kind of princess doesn’t have a dungeon in her castle?

Hey! None of the other princesses have dungeons either. What do you take us for? Tyrants?

I take you for defenders of civility. Arrest that ruffian…Hey! Where are you going? Don’t you try to escape. Get back here! Twilight, he’s trying to escape!

What do you want me to do?

Stop him!

And Ah’m tellin’ ya, ya can’t change oranges to apples or oranges to apples. Whoever came up with that stupid sayin’ obviously don’t know his hind leg from his hoof. It just don’t make sense, Ah tell ya!

If ya ask me Ah…hold on now. What’s goin’ on over there?

BOOM! Beat ya again! Okay, best four out of nine! Come on! Don’t be a sore loser. You want to get the girl, you got to pay the piper.

Pfft! I don’t know who said that, I just heard it somewhere. You in or not?

Sweet. Okay, on the count of three.

One.

Two.

Th…hold on! Something’s going down.

A LUCKY RABBITS’ FOOT?

It’s not true. It can’t be true. It’s just too horrible to be true. Oh for all the things I don’t want to be true, please let this not be true.

I’m sorry. I’m being a poor speed date right now, aren’t I? I just can’t get the thought of all those poor bunnies having their feet used like that. No. It’s not your fault. I’m glad you told me. Now I can fight against this injustice when I get home. I’m gong to start a petition and an anti Lucky Rabbit’s Foot Movement. I’ll make flyers, organize protests, sit-ins, write angry letters to my representative at the supreme court and then throw them out.

I…

Oh my! Something’s happening over there.

Stop him! Guards! Seize that blaggart!

Rarity! There are no guards here.

Stop! He’s getting away. You shall not escape justice!

Rarity wait! Oh my…Rarity!

Did she just…holy cow! You saw that didn’t you? That crazy princess.

No, the one tackling that poor sap, not the one trying to pull her off. Look at her go! That a girl, Rarity!

What in blue blazes? Ah’m sorry, Sugercube. But Ah gotta put a stop to this. Rarity! Twilight! Ah’m a comin!

Oh no! Those ARE my friends. Oh dear. Excuse me. No. It’s not you. It’s me…er…them. I have to go. You’ve been really nice. I’ll send you a flyer with the time and place of our first protest okay? Bye.

PINKIE PIE!

So if the antithesis of pro is con, does that mean that the opposite of progress is congress?

It makes sense when you think about it. Oh hey, Fluttershy! What’s up?

Pinkie! They’re fighting over there.

Where? Oh. OH. Ohhhhhhhh! Wait. I still don’t see them. Where?

Over there!

OH. Now I see them. Whoa! Did you see what Rarity did? She just body slammed that guy into the next table! Boy he is getting (BEEPED) up. Where’d that “Beep” come from?

We have to stop her!

Yeah you’re right. Well, it was nice telling you my life story, guy. Now remember, don’t go putting lint underneath your pillow or the GrubGrub will come and eat your nosehairs. Buh-bye!

Stop it, Rarity! What’s gotten into you?

Are you ready to apologize? No? Well then have a piece of this!

DON’T!

Kick his ass, Rarity!

Stop it, Rainbow!

Oof! I’m going to make you cry for your mother!

Oh snap!

Quit it, Rainbow Dash!

Hey, let go of me!

Not until ya stop eggin her on. Ah taught ya better than that!

Let go!

No!

OW!!! Oh that is it!

Please don’t!

Ahhhhhhhh!

Ohhhhhhh!

Dagnabit, Rarity.

Did you see that?

Yup. And Ah see the police too.

Why did Rarity just bicycle kick that poor guy into the wall?

Cause she’s bat(BEEP) crazy! Hm. There it goes again. I wonder if…eat my (BEEP).

Kiss my (BEEP).

Suck my (BEEP).

Language, Pinkie Pie!

Big. Floppy. Donkey. (BEEP)

Unhoof me! I am the wronged parted here. That scoundrel insulted my honor. I am a lady. You will treat me as such. Hooves off the hair! Argh! Twilight, do something.

Sigh.

Don’t worry, Rarity. I’ll bail you out.

What? But I can’t go to prison. I am too BEAUTIFUL.

You should have thought of that before you Chun Li’d that poor guy into the wall. Oh, Celestia. The tabs are going to have a field day with this. “This just in, known associate of Princess Celestia incarcerated on assault charges. Film at 11.”

TWI…LIIIIIIIIGHT! Don’t let them take me!

She’ll be fine, Twi. What say we mosey on out of here? Ah think this whole datin’ thing was a bust anyhow.

Heh. Speak for yourself.

What in the…how the hay did ya’ll get so many numbers, Pinkie Pie?

What can I say? A lot of guys like my stories.

But they’re just stories, right?

Heh-heh. You never know.

Let’s go girls.

Did you see the way Rarity just WHAMMED him?

That.

Was.

Awesome!

Who knew she had it in her?

Rainbow Dash. Don’t start.

Um…is he going to be okay?

Who cares?

…Ugh….that’s the last time I ever try to pick up a pony…

Author's Note

Just some randomness that stems from my frustration with online dating, speed dating, and dating in general.

Don't have a cover for this. Suggestions welcome.