Actual Carnivore Shia LeBeouf

by Distrance

Rating: everyone
Tags: Comedy, Other, Random, Human, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic
Length: 1638

A thrilling struggle for survival

Your walking in the woods; There's no one around and your phone is dead. Out of the corner of your eye you spot him...

I cried manly tears.
-CosmicAfro

After reading this beautiful work of art I am now naming my thirteen children 'Distrance'.
-Tytyvm

Why am I here?
-Owlor

Published 2012-06-19 11:14:03 UTC
Last updated 2012-06-19 11:14:03 UTC

Logic is Excluded Here

Stupid zebra! I don't need directions out here!

You thought angrily to yourself as you casually made your way through various underbrush. The daytime sky had begun to wane as it slowly become darker with every passing moment. The once beautiful looking trees had suddenly grew to a sinister appearance as you crawled deeper into the woods.

Hah, see? I'm doing just fine!

You argued with your conscience as you pushed a stray branch out of your face. Despite your inexperience in traversing the Everfree Forest, you continue moving, lightly cursing at every twig that intruded your path. A familiar beeping noise arose from your satchel as you sprung to its attention. Removing the satchel from off your back, you place it on the ground as you begin to work the leather straps holding it closed.

Damn, my phone battery is totally dead. Stupid thing...

You scold as you hold your hot pink phone, which was totally signed by Hoity Toity with an embroiled kiss mark besmirching the back of it. Resentfully sighing, you place the phone back in your satchel as you prepare to strap the leather bag back upon your back.

Suddenly, the strange light crackling of noise grabs your attention. You anxiously turn, calling out into the growing darkness.

"H-Hello? Is anypony there?!" You yell. Only the faint reply of your echo answers you. You nervously gulp as you slowly creep forward, watching every leaf that crackled under your hooves.

Shia-ia-ia-ia

"W-What?! W-Who's out there!?" You call, snapping your vision back towards the source of the whispering.

LeBeouf-ouf-ouf-ouf

"C-C'mon Poultron, t-this isn't funny! S-Stop trolling me!" You call out, eyeballing the void momentarily in which you could faintly sense the eyes of numerous people staring.

You freeze....

Out of the corner of your eye, you caught a glimpse of something completely otherworldly to the usual thickets of vegetation. Without hesitation, you begin fast-walking away from the mysterious image, constantly checking behind your back without turning your head to the best of your ability.

The familiar crackling of the leaves had returned two-fold as they suddenly sounded at a greater pace. You finally work up the courage to turn your gaze to the now approaching figure.

"Great Motherbucking Celestia!" You scream as your focus had become clear on the figure. It was a human, but it was far from a macho do-gooder or a depressed but otherwise likeable loser. The shade that once concealed the human's face suddenly became clear as it bounded forward, replacing its usual bipedal running with a quadruped sprint.

You continue to run, as the realization suddenly hits you; Wait, no... That was the tree branch to the nose. Quickly recovering while heavily swearing to yourself, you suddenly realize ANOTHER truth. That human was no human... It was...

Shia LeBeouf!

Your fear continues to rise as you begin mentally collecting your previous knowledge of the horrifying and bloodied creature that continued to give chase.

Shia LeBeouf is an extremely rare species of animal that is native to the land of Hollywood. Recently however, poachers and questionable shy pegasi have relocated a few assorted groups to the vast jungles of Micheal Bayland and even.... The Everfree Forest.

Amidst the thinking, heavy swearing, and ridiculous placement of tree branches, you notice that the once orange-lit sky had fully waned into darkness. The upheaval of breathing and the mass amount of leaf murder on the forest floor had calmed as you cautiously stop to catch your breath.

Your eyes are constantly scanning the dark woods as you search for the terrifying Hollywood superstar. While you finally come to the conclusion that you had lost him, you suddenly find yourself in a similar situation.

"Where the hell is my car!" You angrily exclaim to yourself as you scramble aimlessly through various underbrush. You abruptly stop as you wince in sudden pain.

Thorn bush.

If anypony had beared witness to your recent acts, Princess Celestia herself you turn you stone, blasted three times by the Elements, and sent hurdling to the moon. Your recent bout of furious nerd rage quickly ceased as a sudden bursting noise filled the air.

A wretched scream exploded from within the void that caused you to flinch in surprise. Being the intellectual you are, you waste no time in tracing the source of the noise from where you had heard it.

Trotting as you attempting to unsuccessfully shake off thorns from your body, you notice two objects upon the forest floor. Quickly, you duck behind a thick base of a tree as you inch your head to see. You grow increasingly pale as you realize the situation in front of you.

He's eating her.... and then he's going to eat me... OH CELESTIAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

Your inner-conscience panics as the creature enjoyed its meal with a knife to match the fallen ponies' bloodied coat.

I gatta get out of here!

You tell yourself as you carefully creep away, the Shia LeBeouf completely unaware as it consumed.

At this point in time, life sucks. In your situation, your car is missing and your stuck in the dark with a Hollywood superstar. In the minds of most animal caretakers, this would be a dream come true if it had been a Nicholas Cage or maybe even the soon-to-be-extinct Justin Bieber. But no, your stuck with the short end of the stick and you've got thorns in your flank.

Great.

As you stay in deep thought, you are suddenly cut off by the signal of light that grew as you walked forward. Aha! In the clearing of the woods you spot a small cottage with the light on. Hope!

Eagerly, you jog your way towards the cottage, ignoring the tall vegetation that grew around you as it swiped out of your face.

KERCHUNK!

You don't dare yourself to look down as the sound of a metal contraption cracks in the night. A searing pain accompanies your left back leg as you spare yourself the verbal turmoil. Final working enough courage, you clench your teeth as you nervously glance down.

W-What the fuck.

You think as you stare in shock at the object that had now grasped his hoof. It was a bear trap, an item that had been explicitly banned from anywhere near Fluttershy. Your mind races with possible solutions do your dire and painful problem as you trade glances with the cottage and your leg.

It seems there is only one way to get out of this mess. Gulping as you mentally prepare yourself, you dive down and begin gnawing on your leg.

Quiet, quiet.

The process was excruciating but totally worth it. Finally ripping yourself free from the accursed trap, you work to shake off your drowsy feelings as you limp to the cottage.

Quiet, quiet.

Slouching at the doorstep, you suspiciously peek through the window of the door. Not even to your surprise, sitting inside sat the wild Shia LeBeouf. Luckily he paid no heed to your light cursing as he working diligently on the object in the his hands. It was an axe, no doubt to be used with malevolent intentions; dare you think a movie. He licked his lips as he sharpened it upon a razor strop, murmuring lightly about his latest escapes with a CGI model.

Stealthily you work the door open, praying that he does not take notice of you. Initially successful, you suddenly work a brilliant idea. As he continued to sharpen his axe and murmur in unrepeatable gibberish, you manage you crawl up behind him atop the bed.

With your final bouts of energy, you wring both forelegs around the Hollywood superstar Shia LeBeouf's neck as he drops his axe in surprise. Quickly ripping your hold around him, he jumps from his spot on the edge of the bed and began moving towards the kitchen.

You scramble to beat him to it as you jump from the bed onto his back. He writhes as he tries to shake you off as you hang on for dear life. Slamming you to the nearest wall, your grip loosens, allowing him to throw you over his shoulder and over the kitchen dining table. Various fruits and assorted Cheezy snacks smashed off the table as you slide across.

Your too late however, as you turn your head to match his position, he had already made it to the drawer and immediately pulled out the largest knife he could hold. Struggling to move yourself farther away, Shia LeBeouf quickly pins you to the floor and sits on top of you. A large and bloody grin spread across his face as he held the knife up high in preparation to your brutal stabbing.

With no other options, you make your most bold move yet:

"Look out! It's Megatron!" You scream weakly through your horse (!) throat. Just as you had hopefully predicted, the Shia LeBeouf fearfully snaps his gaze backwards, searching for the figure that was not there. With only seconds to spare, you make your move, quickly smacking the Hollywood superstar in the junk. Gasping in pain, he accidentally drops the knife he had previously held, giving you the opportunity you had been waiting for.

In your final acts of bravery, you grasp the knife (somehow) in your hoof, forcefully jabbing the weapon into his kidney. As the Shia LeBeouf cringed in pain, you managed to slide your way out of his hold, jumping to your three legs as you look triumphantly to the figure.

A long-lasting breath from the terrifying creature had signified its passing. You sigh in relief as you stubble out of the door to the cottage, leaving the carnage you wrought behind. Blood oozes out of your stump leg as you walk back into the dark woods; But you've won, you've beaten...

Shia LeBeouf.