Stage 1-1: Opening Up a Can of...Something.
Stage 1-1: Opening Up a Can of...Something.
THREE WEEKS AGO
“Hmmm, Zecora said it should be around here somewhere…” mused the Princess, slowly working her way through the woods. She was still relatively close by to Ponyville and the zebra alchemist had explained this thing she’d found was in a safe area free of poison joke or manticore ambushes.
Twilight shuddered at the idea of reliving exposure to the former – having become an alicorn, her horn was slightly longer now and if the plant found it funny to make her become ‘Twilight Flopple’ again, the resulting condition of her horn would have been too phallic to be seen in public with. Or worse, it would affect her horns and wings, which would be an embarrassment she could never live down.
Further thoughts of possible ruination of her life were halted then, as the faint hum of electrical current suddenly made itself known to the princess. Picking up her speed to a trot, she soon found what she was looking for – namely in that it looked absolutely out of place amidst the trees and other untouched parts of nature.
What it actually was defied explanation, though, a fact that intrigued the pony who was virtually a walking dictionary of everything ever. It was some sort of electrically powered machine – though examination of the immediate area showed no sign of a power source, leading her to believe it was internalized. The hum that the machine made was similar to that of one of those new automatic iceboxes that were starting to become popular, and putting a hoof to the machine indicated it was vibrating slightly. Visually, the object was encased in a solid box of black, hard material – except the front.
With the exception of a small strip running vertically down the right side, the entire face was dominated by a backlit image of some strange creature – its upper body and left foreleg colored silver, with a sharp divide running from what Twilight guessed to be its right wither down to where its left hindleg started, everything under that line being a metallic cobalt blue, and in the center just below what the pony guessed was its head sat a circle similar to a yin-yang; red on top of blue and split by a white line. In the figure’s…not-hooves, whatever minotaurs had, the left one held up a can colored similarly to the figure, while the right was positioned at the figure’s waist. The can bore the icon on the figure’s chest as well as white letters in some alien language – the top of the machine right above the figure’s head had the same illegible wording. At the bottom of the image was a cut out hole where a small ramp ended in a tray for something, while the main cavity extended deeper for reasons as of yet unknown.
Then, Twilight looked to what now seemed to be the machine’s controls. At the top was a sticker – yellow with black lettering, indicating that inserting some kind of green rectangle needed to have the proper side facing up. Below that the insertion point for the green rectangles, a flashing series of lights and diodes, a smaller cut-out for inserting something (she guessed that the sticker indicating what went in had fallen off), and then a series of identical buttons that all displayed images of the same can held by the figure.
Curiosity getting the best of her, Twilight pressed the top button, jumping back when the machine reacted with a mechanical rattle, followed by an actual, physical can dropping into the cavity.
“Wh-what the?” stammered Twilight, not sure what to make of the development. She cautiously levitated the can out of the machine, examining it closely. It was ice cold, and something inside of her made her instinctively believe without reason that whatever liquid it held was tasty and refreshing.
“Enh, not thirsty right now, maybe later,” she shrugged, teleporting the can to her own personal automated refrigeration unit back at her crystal tree castle. That was the last interesting thing to happen as further inspection of the machine yielded no results. Pressing any of the buttons did not produce another can, while trying to teleport the entire machine to the castle only proved it was immune to magic somehow. Making a mental note of the existence of this strange machine, Twilight then simply teleported herself away to do more research back home.
PRESENT DAY
Twilight shook her head in disgust. “First the Crystal Empire, then Appaloosa…”
“And now Manehatten,” finished Starlight, looking up to Twilight. The seven friends were gathered around the Cutie Map, looking worse for wear all around, while in front of them the magical centerpiece looked more like a war map. Where the named towns originally sat on it, they now only looked like black spots of mold, festering like parasites on the terrain. And while the capital was surely a future target, Ponyville being such a centralized location standing in front of the capital meant it would fall first.
Such was the way of the Rainbow of Darkness. Not so much an entity as it was a blight, it sucked the joy and happiness out of all ponies, leaving them in a state of eternal depression. Thankfully, in its weakened state from a thousand years of imprisonment, its true horror in being able to turn ponies into vicious dragons blinded by rage could not surface. Yet.
“ I don’t get it,” voiced Rainbow, “how exactly was this thing defeated last time? You said the Elements of Harmony weren’t involved, Twi.”
“Yeah, I know, I just…” the princess sighed. “Give me a minute, this whole situation has left me exhausted.” She then turned to call to Spike in the kitchen who was cleaning the plates from lunch. “Spike, can you grab me something from the fridge?”
“You got it!” replied the baby dragon.
“Wish I had one of those fridge thingies,” groaned Rainbow, “I could store so much cider in those things, except cloud mansions can’t support them for some reason.”
“I’m sure in time they’ll develop the proper spells to provide the technology for cloudhomes,” reassured Twilight, instinctively reaching for the drink Spike was handing her. But she wasn’t paying attention to the drink, nor the fact she unconsciously knew how to open the alien canister by popping the top.
Not one pony nor dragon knew what was happening when the can reacted to being opened by unleashing an all-consuming wave of red, blue, and silver-white. It lasted but a second, yet all present knew something had changed.
For Rainbow, it was more personal than she would have liked. “What the buck?” Inexplicably, her six-color mane had shifted to a three-hue red, white, and blue shade combination, as did her cutie mark’s thunderbolt.
“Oh, maybe that guy can explain?” helpfully pointed out Pinkie, gesturing behind Rainbow. It was then the rest of the group noticed the figure who was neither dragon nor pony. But to Twilight, she somehow instinctively knew who it was despite the name being alien to pony kind.
“Pepsiman!”
At the same time, in the Everfree Forest, a gray coated pegasus with a special eyes – the local mail mare - landed next to the mysterious machine Twilight had found three weeks prior. Despite being exposed to the elements, the machine was still in immaculate condition, a detail the mare didn’t pay much mind as she hooked up a series of jumper cables to a harness. Once done, she then took out a letter that had instructed her to do this, and was instructing her to do more. She didn’t know why she was doing it, but it felt right. Thus, using the improvised harness for the machine, she easily lifted it up and off to a new destination.
Twilight couldn’t believe it, despite seeing this figure on that machine in the forest where she’d gotten the can three weeks prior, there was no way she should have known what its name was. Hell, even with knowing its name, she didn’t know its species or a whole bunch of other things, like how it breathed without a mouth, why opening that can had summoned it here, and why only Rainbow seemed to have changed color.
So of course she opened her mouth to start the deluge of questions, but suddenly the ground violently shook beneath them.
“Oh no!” uttered Fluttershy, “it’s here!”
“But..but the Rainbow can’t move that fast!” panicked Applejack. “Now what are we gonna do?!”
In rationality only known to her, Pinkie calmly turned to the mysterious tall biped as if he was the answer. “So, uh, Mr. Pepsiman person not-pony guy, sorry to bother you but you wouldn’t happen to know how to stop some kind of ancient evil force from making all of us into depressed caricatures of ourselves, like immediately, would you? Can you do something, Pepsiman?”
The figure put one of its not-hooves on what could be presumed to be its chin, as if pondering the question, then crossed its arms and nodded.
Pinkie leaped up in joy. “Don’t worry girls, we’re saved!”
Rarity was unconvinced. “But, he…it is a he, right? Regardless, he didn’t say anything, how did-“ She didn’t get to finish as Pepsiman then spontaneously started jogging off and went out the front door as if hell bent on doing something.
“We probably should follow him to make sure he doesn’t just make things worse!” exclaimed Starlight, and everypony else agreed. They were not prepared for the sight outside the door, however, as all of Ponyville now was transformed in the same vein that Rainbow Dash was now ‘Pepsidash’ – advertisements for the can now appeared all over the place, as if Pepsiman’s arrival had heralded the invasion of corporate sponsorship from another planet. In fact, for whatever reason, the cans themselves had popped up out of thin air and were hovering above the ground – and Pepsiman evidently was running in a path those cans predetermined such that he could collect them.
“How is him running around collecting cans going to stop the Rainbow?” asked Applejack.
Pinkie shrugged. “I dunno, something just tells me he’s a professional and does this a lot, though, so we should have faith in him.” And as completely unfounded and idiotic it was to actually believe that statement, the ponies couldn’t help but agree before as a group setting off behind the silver and blue runner to help if need be.
To that end, they seemed to be the only ponies interested in helping him, as should be expected – once again in the throes of apocalypse how, the general populace of Ponyville was in total anarchy. Inexplicably, many ponies kept throwing themselves in Pepsiman’s way from doorways, windows, side alleys, and mailboxes, but he in turn precisely slid under them or leapt above them as if he knew the movements through rote practice. All the while continuing to follow the cans and by this point possibly having some disembodied voice chant his name over and over – the ponies couldn’t stop to listen to confirm that or not.
Ducking in and out of crosspaths and alleys, Pepsiman and his pony followers nimbly dodged the almost scripted obstacles posed by the scared citizens of the town. At a few instances, ponies pulling carts frantically fled the town, the contents spilling behind them and forcing the carbonated crusader to make split second decisions lest he trip and fall on his face.
“Okay, seriously, what are we doing this for?” whined Pepsidash, not paying attention to where she was going and thus ending up with a banana peel in her face.
“At this point, I think we’ll only know if this works…whatever we’re doing!” replied Starlight.
Suddenly, despite the current road splitting off in opposite directions, Pepsiman lept over a row of bushes and toward several homes. Concerned about this change in direction, the ponies nonetheless followed and ended up chasing after Pepsiman through several homes, before realizing too late that they were on a direct course right into Rarity’s house…which had the door open for some reason.
“Now I know I closed that thing when I left,” observed Rarity.
Having jogged his way through a good number of homes already, Pepsiman made no attempt to avoid this one, even rapidly increasing into a dead sprint right through the doorway…even though it then led to him smashing through the back wall and having inexplicably ended up wearing one of Rarity’s dresses and her eyemask. This strangely made him move erratically as if his concept of left and right was switched but he easily resumed his constant pace, matched by the now equally fancy dressed ponies and dragon in his wake.
“He’s heading for Sugarcube Corner!” exclaimed Applejack.
Indeed, it would appear the mysterious cans led right for the bakery, which to everypony’s surprise somehow currently bore host to the local, muffin-loving mailmare and the strange machine that dispensed the cans in the first place. Without even so much as an acknowledgement, Pepsiman slowed down to a stop in front of the machine and pressed one of the buttons. A can identical to the one he had been summoned from clattered into the tray at the bottom, which he then picked up and somehow drank from without even popping the tab. The fact that he didn’t appear to even have a mouth also raised many unanswered questions.
“Hold on, all this nonsense was so he could get a drink?!” exclaimed Starlight, before the mailmare “helpfully” shoved her letter of instructions into the reformed cutie-mark thief's face.
“I don’t know what that letter could tell you to justify all this” added Rarity, before she –and everypony else – jumped at the sound of Pepsiman punching the machine. Whatever this act triggered, the machine then spat out several cans, each landing precisely in front of each pony and dragon. He then beckoned the group to drink from the cans.
“At this point I’m just going to go with it,” admitted Twilight, who was already forming theories that perhaps this Pepsiman character was in fact an alternate dimension’s version of Pinkie. Reluctantly, the rest of the group followed suit, popping tabs and then downing the contents in one go. For some reason, not only did this immediately reinvigorate their spirits, but they knew to entirely trust Pepsiman as being there to help, and that somehow, everything that had been caused upon his arrival was related to the drink he was associated with – a carbonated soda called Pepsi.
“Wow, that was like, exposition in a can or something,” said Spike.
“You’re telling me,” agreed Twilight. Her ears then perked up at the sound of running, and almost unsurprisingly Pepsiman had already taken off in pursuit of a trail of new cans.
“How rude,” drolled Rarity, “you’d think he’d let us know when he was going to head off again.”
“At least he’s, uh, jogging, I suppose?” suggested Rainbow Pepsi. “For a guy who somehow is going to stop the Rainbow of Darkness, he’s…not done a whole lot other than paint the town –and me – red, white, and blue.”
“Maybe that’s his plan?” suggested Fluttershy, “To fight the darkness with colors?”
“Only one way to find out!” said Twilight, who then galloped after Pepsiman, her compatriots following suit.
Author's Note
So, yeah, kinda got an absolutely silly idea after watching a longplay of the old Pepsiman game and wrote this up as a brief departure from my other current projects.
Stage 1-2: And the Streets Shall Run Brown With Soda
As the chase continued, Pepsiman – having somehow shed the dress and eyemask without ever having stopped jogging – seemed to not mind his mission of collecting random soda cans had become strangely harder. But to the crowd of ponies and dragon following him out of town, it seemed alarming at how many pits had appeared in the main thoroughfares.
“Ah thought Mayor Mare said civil services was getting a budget increase this year!” commented Applejack.
“She did – I approved it!” replied Twilight.
“Then what in tarnation caused all this?”
“I’m starting to have an idea about that, actually.”
Paying no mind to the ponies following him, Pepsiman had proceeded to demonstrate repeated bursts of speed as one of his few defined abilities, getting a boost before leaping clear over larger gaps. That seemed strange to the ponies, who simply ran around those pits, but as per usual at this point they did not question Pepsiman’s logic.
But after he ran right into a shed, emerging through the back riding a skateboard, and then traveled through a tunnel nopony remembered existing this close to Ponyville, all of a sudden they were inexplicably in San Franciscolt.
“Now I’m really confused,” said Starlight, realizing with the others that they too were now riding skateboards down the hills of the coastal city – hundreds of miles away from Ponyville - even though none of them actually knew how to ride skateboards.
“Twilight, darling,” spoke Rarity, “do you think this Pepsi stuff has anything to do with this odd series of events? I certainly don’t recall it being advertised on literally every building in San Franciscolt the last time I was here for the Girdledelli Square Fashion Show.”
“It does seem odd,” agreed Twilight, “the Rainbow of Darkness isn’t anywhere close to this city, so why we’re…”
Before Twilight could finish, Pepsiman’s path of cans led into another tunnel, at the other end of which he and the ponies emerged while running at a brisk pace with no sign of the skateboards or San Fanciscolt.
“…back to the outskirts of Ponyville?”
“There it is!” squeaked Fluttershy, who immediately came to a dead halt in her tracks. Unfortunately, she also somehow was in the front and by stopping so suddenly caused a traffic pileup behind her. But nopony could complain about it as they were horrified at the sight before them.
As if the world had been cut by a knife, where the leading edge of the Rainbow’s area of influence and the rest of Equestria met was as visibly marked as could be imagined. The normal color of the ground and even the sky stopped where the wall of concentrated negativity, ill will, fear, and general lacking of common decency seemed to render everything past that point as desaturated as a picture from a century prior where the only color that mattered is brown.
Undeterred by the massive wall of depression in front of him, Pepsiman merely stood stoically for a few seconds, as if letting the Rainbow edge closer a few centimeters. Spontaneously he then shoved his left palm toward the wall, emitting a strange fizzing noise. And then to the ponies’ initial horror, the entire world turned brown. But not just any brown, no, all their world had become was the image of delicious,refreshing Pepsi.
Just as quickly as it had begun, the world of Pepsi vanished and the ponies found themselves and Pepsiman standing right outside Twilight’s castle, with Ponyville looking no worse for wear in its mostly red, white, and blue coloration and pepsi adverts as far as the eye could see.
But more importantly, the wall marking where the Rainbow of Darkness had been was gone, too.
“I…I don’t believe it!” exclaimed Twilight, “It actually worked…whatever you did, Pepsiman!”
Glancing down at the purple princess, Pepsiman merely nodded and gave a thumbs up.
Suddenly, the ground lurched violently.
“Oh no, here we go again!” moaned Fluttershy.
But it was not the Rainbow of Darkness, but instead the garish giant star mounted atop the castle. Somehow, it had become dislodged and now tumbled down toward the group. As expected, they all screamed and scattered, but bizarrely the oddly shaped ornament only rolled after Pepsiman, who by that point was already running away with the star giving chase.
The ponies, now regrouped, watched as the tumbling crystal star rolled in an impossible manner after the silver and blue figure.
“Why doesn’t he just, like, run into a building or something?” asked Pinkie.
“I dunno,” shrugged Starlight, “maybe he just likes running all over the place?”
Later, after the star had stopped rolling from its weird gain of inertia, Pepsiman had been brought back into the castle for Twilight to discuss how he could use his unexplained powers to save the rest of the country.
“Please help us, Mr. Pepsiman,” said Fluttershy, “you’re our only hope.”
He nodded, agreeing to help the ponies.
“Great!” exclaimed Twilight. “Now, due to circumstances, we can’t leave Ponyville to follow you, though not like you needed our help earlier. However, you may need our assistance in the field, so I’ve found a spell that can help us be with you, while we’re still here in Ponyville!” Her horn flashed and suddenly over the little magical holographic model of Equestria, a screen appeared. As if an invisible camera was now following him, the image on the magical screen showed Pepsiman’s back with the ponies in front of him, as well as some weird stereoscopic effect where the screen was in effect showing itself…showing itself…and to gaze farther than that was akin to staring into the abyss. Pepsiman had done that once, but gotten bored and fallen asleep.
“Do you understand?” asked Twilight, prompting the soda-powered superhero to suddenly realize he’d drifted off while looking wide awake - something he really needed to talk to his doctor about. He figured that whatever the purple pony had said he could figure out anyway, so he just nodded his head vigorously.
Twilight grinned. “Great, then we can send you to Manehatten right away!” Before he realized what he’d just agreed to, Twilight’s horn flashed again and suddenly Pepsiman was Pepsigone.
Whatever doubts Twilight may have had about Pepsiman having heard a word about her explanation of how the screen worked for him, they fell to the wayside as several problems made themselves appear quite literally on the screen, as evidenced by them being brightly colored while Pepsiman was running through the bleary, desaturated city landscape.
“What’s with that timer counting down?” asked Spike, sipping on a can of Pepsi he’d acquired through means unknown. “I know this whole thing is a race against time but not that literally.”
“I have no idea,” answered a confused princess. No matter which direction Pepsiman turned, the counting down series of numbers remained stationary above his head. Worryingly, they were indicative of a minute being left of time for Pepsiman to reach his destination, which the exact placement of was unknown but the equally inexplicable distance meter indicated that he was over halfway to his destination.
“Hey!” exclaimed Pinkie, “maybe Pepsiman can ask that smaller Pepsiman for help?” She pointed to the lower right hand corner, where a little Pepsiman faced toward the ponies. He seemed to be nothing more than a static image, and to the left of Little Pepsiman was a sideways eight for whatever reason.
“Or, y’know, her,” deadpanned Applejack, referencing how Derpy had somehow appeared - unharmed by the presence of the Rainbow of Darkness - with the Pepsi Machine from which Pepsiman had retrieved yet another can which he was in the process of consuming the contents of.
“Seriously, I have no idea how she is doing that,” stated Starlight, “That paper she’s following for all this? The only thing it had written on it was ‘XD.’”
Rarity looked skeptical. “ An X and a D? What does that mean? Extra delight? Extra delicious?"
“Extra dangerous more likely,” interrupted Rainbow, as now the screen showed Pepsiman having fallen through a sewer cover and was now running through the Manehatten underground. “Seriously, what gives with this extremely hostile and covered in Pepsi advertizing change to Manehatten? We’ve all been there and it looked nothing like that.”
“Well, whatever the cause, I think Pepsiman is equipped to handle it,” confidently said Fluttershy, who proceeded to take a sip from her Pepsi-branded Guzzler Helmet™.
“Yeah, since he’s...uh, somehow gone from the sewers to the rooftops,” added Rainbow, noting how the silver and blue figure did his palm-thrust to Pepsi-fy the world...before plunging to his doom. “Seriously, what is this guy’s deal?”
Pinkie shrugged, before downing the 2-liter of Pepsi Lemon in one swig. “No *BURP* idea!”
About two hours later, the ponies - who had since gone from trying to help by shouting through the screen to Pepsiman to just idly watching things like a TV show - noticed something else about the screen, all the while the silent speedster had since saved Manehatten and now was running for his life from a herd of ballerina dancing buffalo on his way to save Appleoosa.
“What’s with the counting cans in the left there?” asked Rarity, busy knitting a scarf in Pepsi colors. Strangely, amidst the barren and occasionally dotted with Pepsi billboards wastes, there were cans for Pepsiman to collect. And each can he collected incremented the side counter by one. “I mean, if Derpy is flying around that machine to give him cans to keep going, why -”
“Maybe it supercharges him to do those bursts of speed or something,” suggested Twilight while sipping her tea that was oddly soda flavored.
“Is that what the spinning circle thingy is for?”
“Uh...maybe? I’m not quite sure, really.” Indeed, no matter what Pepsiman’s actions were, neither he nor the spinning icon seemed to have any effect on one another. Given it disappeared when he did his palm thrust and clear out the Rainbow from the plains settlement, its presence seemed to be trivial at best.
“Also, why on earth does the screen focus on the front of him when he’s getting chased down by something?” asked Starlight, taking a large swig from her Pepsi-branded Boot Stein. “Kind of hard for us to help him if-”
“Let’s be fair, here,” interrupted Spike, “we’re sitting around drinking soda none of us have ever heard of before, while watching a guy run around drinking soda and doing our jobs for us. How are we actually relevant to this at all?”
Starlight thought for a moment, then shrugged. “Yeah, I guess you’re right.”
While the other ponies were lazily watching Pepsiman save the Crystal Empire, lounging around and drinking Pepsi products of all types, Twilight was more awake, noticing that Pepsiman was navigating obstacles that seemed suspiciously similar to those in the previous three settlements that he’d saved.
“Is it just me, or does it seem like something else is going on with all this, more than just the Rainbow of Darkness making everypony moody and depressed?”
“You mean how there’s a bunch of billboards for Pepsi in the Crystal Empire when a city that had vanished for a thousand years shouldn’t have that level of advertising in under two years?” suggested Starlight.
“No, that’s ridiculous - advertising is naturally part of any urban centre and I would figure the Crystal Empire playing rapid catch up is perfectly normal.” Twilight took a long sip from her Yogurt Pepsi, then elaborated “No, I feel like the degree to which things have physically broken down is something we’ve - well, everypony except you, Starlight, it was before you came along - encountered before.”
“Fair enough, I suppose,” replied Starlight, now drinking a can of Pepsi Retro.
“I know what you mean, Twilight,” said Rainbow, “I get the feeling we’ve seen dancing buffalo before.”
“Ah’d say - Ain’t the Crystal Empire and the Buffalo Nations on opposite sides of Equestria?” pointed out Applejack, referencing how Pepsiman was now skateboarding down some underground crystal cavern on the backs of balerna buffalo. Alongside Derpy who had somehow brought the Machine down there, so Pepsiman was doing all that while sipping a can of Crystal Pepsi. Applejack felt it necessary to down another bit of 1893 Original Cola to comprehend the screen’s contents.
“Doesn’t necessarily mean anything,” countered Rarity between sips of her diet Pepsi, “we had that nasty Bugbear show up the other month and those are only native to the mountains to the far northeast, next to the griffon lands.”
“Okay, seriously, how does this even work?” sighed an exasperated Starlight. “I’d been forcing ponies to live without Cutie Marks in my town for longer than Twilight has lived in Ponyville, yet even though I admit I probably was responsible for that place being boring as all hell, why exactly does all the interesting disaster type stuff just avoid that part of northeastern Equestria and otherwise make a beeline straight for this town?”
“Maybe it’s because there’s a giant crystal bug lamp or something in the shape of a treehouse castle drawing them in like flies,” dryly commented Spike.
“No, it’s not a bug lamp - there hasn’t been any problems with the changelings since the wedding,” corrected Twilight.
“Speakin’ of no problems,” interrupted Applejack, “looks like Pepsiman already just got rid of the Rainbow for good outta the Crystal Empire.” As she seemed to be the only one even watching the screen at this point, she was correct in that Pepsiman had truly saved Equestria and freed it from the threat of the Rainbow of Darkness. The fact he himself was now under threat of a Pepsi can shaped block of crystal rolling after him in a straight line, firing little versions of itself at his feet, did not seem to come across as a problem. “Whenever he gets back, maybe he can help us figure out how this whole mess got started.”
“But he doesn’t say anything!” exclaimed Rainbow. “All he does is run around drinking Pepsi and shoving his palm at things...the fact he pretty much effortlessly did our jobs for us in saving Equestria that way notwithstanding.”
“I’m sure I can figure something out,” said Twilight.
“Actually,” interjected Pinkie, “I don’t think you need to, look at the screen!”
The bathroom door slammed open, a fine mist of steam pouring out around the towel-clad Pepsiman as if he’d just taken the fastest shower in history.
“Credit where it is due,” a mysterious figure said, his back concealed from view by the large couch he was sitting in. “You have done a fine job cleaning everything up...as well as achieving what I originally wanted in the first place.”
Before Pepsiman - and the ponies watching through the invisible camera behind Pepsiman - could respond, the figure laughed. “Oh, please, as if the real audience hasn’t figured this part out already.”
“That fiend!” exclaimed Pinkie, “he’s ruining the joke!”
“Oh, I assure you, Pinkie - and apparently you ponies forgot just because however you’re present here, your voices still carry through - this joke was on me, if anything.” The figure then stood up and faced Pepsiman and the out of view ponies, prompting them all to gasp in horror - well, Pepsiman didn’t for obvious reasons, but he still made the motion. For before them was Discord, but horribly distorted. He looked slightly more obese than usual, clad in a stupid looking baseball cap and an ugly shirt which had ANOTHER DAY IN PARADISE written on it. “Yes, I admit it - I let the Rainbow loose in the hopes of stirring up some nice, wild chaos - I assure you the fact it only made everything so boring and depressing like Starlight’s style of mayorship was not at all what I intended.”
“Gee, thanks,” deadpanned Star. “Thinly veiled insult aside, why didn’t you just stop the Rainbow if it wasn’t what you wanted, crappy enough your reasons in the first place?”
“Because I didn’t know how to stop it!” Discord looked like he was being totally honest, for once in a rare while. “The legends said the Rainbow could only be stopped by ‘Pepsi for TV-GAME’ and I just assumed you girls knew what that was. I’m guessing it meant sending in this guy.”
“We got lucky that he appeared at the right time,” said Twilight. “But you also said he still did what you wanted to do...how exactly?”
“Why, haven’t you noticed all the Pepsi going around lately?” Discord chuckled. “It’s an entirely alien soda product and yet it’s EVERYWHERE all of a sudden. Completely causing visual chaos everywhere and the chaos it has done to all our diets is simply...mmm, delicious! Honestly I’m shocked Rarity didn’t pick up on such visual disparity.”
“Been a bit preoccupied today, admittedly,” the fashionista said.
“Well, at least it isn’t destructive chaos,” said Twilight, “and...uh, before we continue, can you please take off those ridiculous clothes and stop looking slightly fat?”
Any pleasure Discord was getting out of this immediately vanished. “That’s why I need all of this to go away, you think I like being like this!?” He immediately tried to rip off his shirt, which he did...only to reveal an exact copy underneath. He did this a few more times to emphasize the pointlessness of the action. “And when I said it was causing chaos to all our diets, I meant it! I’ve been unable to consume anything but junk food all day!” He then promptly opened a bag of chips, drinking its contents, followed up by throwing entire cans of Pepsi and eating them whole, both the soda and the aluminum. “This is torture, truly!”
“You get what you deserve if ya ask me…” murmured AJ under her breath.
“I heard that,” said Discord, before dropping to his knees before Pepsiman. “Please, shiny silver guy whose name probably involves Pepsi, I know you have the power to restore things, end this madness I beg of you! PLEEEEHEEEEEASE!”
Pepsiman put his hands to his non-existent mouth in momentary thought, then kneeled down and thrust his palm into Discord’s forehead.
By the end of the day, everything was back to normal, though for Rainbow Dash that wasn’t too much of a good thing. Yeah, the Rainbow of Darkness had been defeated for good by Pepsiman, and Discord got his just deserts for unleashing the dumb thing in the first place. All the Pepsi stuff that had inexplicably popped up in Pepsiman’s presence had also left with him - Discord having provided the means since he could apparently open portals to alternate dimensions for as-of-yet undefined purposes - which was the real downer for Dash as she got home. She’d acquired kind of a liking for that Pepsi stuff, so while she was glad to have her mane and cutie mark back to their right colors, she was going to miss Pepsi.
Or so she thought - upon entering her kitchen she found the Pepsi Machine waiting in the spot she’d made ages ago for a refrigerator. Except it looked slightly different, as while the image on the front was the same, it lacked the buttons and doodads and the spot on the bottom where the soda came out. Instead, it just had a handle. But upon opening it, Dash found it packed full of Pepsi.
“Aw, yeah!” she exclaimed, happy as a clam. In celebration of this random stroke of fortune, she immediately grabbed a can to open it and consume...only then noticing her reflection in all the other cans. Her mane was suddenly three colors after only one sip of Pepsi. “Oh, come ON!”
Meanwhile, another reality away, Sunset Shimmer worked on her motorcycle, wrench in hand and wiping the sweat off her brow. “Hey, thanks for coming over to help me with my motorcycle,” she told her former boyfriend Flash Sentry. While they weren’t together any longer they were still friends.
“No problem,” he said. “Hey, do you have anything to drink?”
“Yeah, just went to the store this morning and got some Cokes, why?”
“Coke? Who drinks that?” Flash asked. “Pepsi all the way!”
Sunset rolled her eyes. Yeah, I knew there was a reason we haven’t gotten back together….
Author's Note
That's all folks!
