Granny Smith Lectures The World

by Dark Chocolate

Rating: everyone
Tags: Granny Smith, Princess Luna, Original Character, Comedy, Random, Adventure, Princess Celestia, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic
Length: 2874

Granny Smith sets out on an epic adventure to save Equestria. Armed with only her wit, and a skiddish but devoted orderly who reminds her to take her pills, will she save Equestria from this gosh darn racket?

The world is about to end, but Granny Smith is havin' none of that now ya hear?
The Amulet of Bemethus has chosen Granny to save the world, and points her off in the right direction. Watch in amazement as Granny Smith puts the world in its place, and reminds it to call its mother every once and a while.
Armed with nothing more than her wit, and a devoted but skidish orderly who makes sure she takes her meds on time, she travels across Equestria giving everything a thorough lecture.

Published 2016-05-27 21:00:01 UTC
Last updated 2016-06-07 04:31:52 UTC

Granny Smith vs King Sombra

Celestia and Luna run around the throne room, glancing out every window nervously.
Celestia turns to her sister, “What are we going to do?! Is there anyone left to fight?!”
Luna shakes her head in terror, “King Sombra has already overwhelmed the guards! He will be upon us shortly!”

The sisters flinch at a loud pounding on the double doors leading to the throne room. Celestia gives it everything she has to hold them closed with her magic, but it’s no use. King Sombra bursts in laughing cruelly.

“Sisters! It’s been too long! How ya been? I personally haven't been up to much, just you know, ruling the world and all…” he examines his hoof arrogantly. Luna darts to the left, and lets out a ferocious beam of blue energy. Sombra absorbs it, then sends it right back at her, knocking her to the ground. Luna doesn't move. She lays on the floor, facing away from everyone. Black smoke slowly drifts off her body. Celestia raises a hoof to her mouth in horror, “Luna! No!”
Celestia lets out several beams of magic at Sombra, who dodges them easily. He stomps his hoof, and a massive black circle erupts throughout the room, draining Celestia of her power.
She tries desperately to stay on her feet, but gives up and falls to the floor panting.
She looks up at Sombra as he slowly approaches with an arrogant grin on his face, “You’ll...never...get away...with this...the power...the power of friendship...will never be-”
King Sombra lets out a powerful, evil laugh, “Friendship? Nothing can stop me you foal! Prepare to meet your end, princess!” he says condescendingly.

“Not yet Sombra!” Luna is on her feet, still with a bit of black smoke rising off her from Sombra’s beam. She has an angry, determined look on her face. Luna pulls out a red amulet and holds it up, “Behold! The Amulet of Bemethus!”
They all stand there silently, waiting for the amulet to do quite literally anything. Everyone is disappointed.

King Sombra laughs again, “You had me going there for a minute Luna! That silly thing has never worked! I shall make your end as slow and pain-”

“Hold it righ’ there misser!”
An old pony appears in the doorway to the throne room. She points an angry hoof at Sombra, who stares at her with confusion, “You...you gotta be kidding me…”
“No I ain’ kiddin’! You young folks just don’ care who ya bother, do ya?” she starts slowly walking towards Sombra, who keeps staring.

“Every time I turn 'round, always some young punk who ain’t got no manners, raising all sorts of grief! You got a momma there boy?”

King Sombra laughs, and stomps his hoof into the ground over and over.
Granny Smith isn’t having it, “I said you gotta momma there boy?!”

Sombra raises an eyebrow, “Of course I have a mom!”
Granny smith closes her eyes and shakes her head, “Golly, imagine the pain she’d be in if she saw ya now…”

Sombra glares at granny, “Excuse me?! You have no idea the amount of suffering I’ve be-”
“I don’ wanna hear none of it!” Granny Smith says angrily, “You wanna know pain?! Imagine spending yer whole life, tryina raise a youngin’ to become somethin’ great, just to have ‘em become some kinda villain! You kids, it’s all about you, you, you! When you get your own kids, it’s all about them, but there’s only so much you can do!”

“But...I…” stammers Sombra.
“Will you jus’ shut yer earholes and listen?! When’s the last time you talked to yer mamma!?”
King Sombra stares at the ground embarrassed, “Well...it’s...it’s been a while but I’ve been busy…”
“Oh don’ give me none of that now! I saw you just a few hours ago, turnin’ cows into frogs with yer magic! You tellin’ me you ain’t got the time for the woman who raised you? Who sacrificed the rest of her life and made it all about givin’ you everything she can so you can succeed in the world?”

Sombra quietly rakes the ground with his hoof, looking guilty.
“Ya that’s what I thought! Imagine it, yer mamma sittin’ in her favorite chair, no one to talk to, just wantin’ nothin’ more than to know how her sons doin. Just spendin’ all day waitin’ for a phone call that’ll never come, or a letter she’ll never get...just makes me sick!”

Sombra rubs the back of his neck.
“Now Celestia here has been awful nice to everypony, and you jus’ went and trashed her whole kingdom! How yer ma and pa gonna feel about that?! You owe this nice lady an apology ya hear?!”

Sombra looks up at Celestia with guilt, “S...sorry Celestia…”
“Whatcha sorry for youngin’?!”

Sombra sighs, “For...for wrecking your kingdom…” Sombra looks at the floor embarrassed.
“Now where’s that blue lady who’s always flappin’ ‘round?” Sombra looks around then sees her in the air. She’s flying right behind Sombra with a mallet, ready to hit him over the back of the head. They stare at eachother awkwardly. Luna glances at Sombra, then Granny, before lowering the mallet, “I uh...I’ll just put this back…” she says shyly.

Granny Smith turns her attention back to King Sombra, “Now find whatever kindness ya got left, and give yer mamma a holler for me!”
King Sombra looks at Celestia, “Can...can I borrow a scroll please?” Celestia stares at Sombra in disbelief.

A pony with white fur and an orange mane, with a male nurse outfit runs into the room with a bottle of pills in his mouth. He quickly trots up to Granny, and sets the pills down, “Granny! You’re almost late taking your pills!” he pulls out a bottle of water from his pouch and sets it down next to Granny. She smiles at him sweetly, “Thank ya Timey!” “Uh...it’s Timely mam’.”
Granny Smith holds a hoof up to her ear, “Whas that now?” Timely shakes his head, “Nothing Granny.”

Luna gasps as the amulet begins to glow. Luna picks it up and cautiously walks over to Granny, who discusses the weather with Timely. As Luna gets closer, the amulet pulses faster with red. When she gets just a few feet from Granny, the amulet lets out a burst of energy. Luna drops it on the floor in a panic. They all lean over the amulet, as it shakes on the ground, glowing fiercly.

A soft male voice comes out, “Smith, I have chosen- what the hell?!”
Granny cocks an eyebrow, “What?”

The male voice sounds shocked, “you...you’re so old! What happened!?”
Granny Smith glares at the amulet, “Ok, looks like yer goin’ to a nice pawn shop now…”

“Wait wait wait!” The amulet cries out in protest, “I’m sorry, it’s just...I gave you a key a long time ago to send you on a great journey. Why am I just now seeing you?”
Granny holds a hoof to her mouth and thinks for a minute, “Oh ya mean that weird golden thingy that feel outta a tree when I was still a youngin’?

The voice cries out excitedly, “Yes! That thing! The Key of Bemethus!”
Granny nods her head, “I thought it was some kinda hair pin. Looked tacky so I tossed it in a well for good luck.”
The voice goes quiet for a few seconds in horror, “You what?! You threw the Key of Bemethus, the thing that can save all of ponykind down a well because it looked tacky?! We...we have to find it! It unlocks the chest of Bemethus, which in it is a weapon that can vanquish evil forever!”
Granny Smith sighs, “Look there mr.amulet, it’s been a long day, an I’m tired. You be usin’ a lot of fancy words there. Just slow it down, and we’ll see what we can do for ya. Now what's this key thingy you be hollerin' about?”
The amulet groans, “Ok look, just get back to the well and retrieve the key. I don’t have much power so I have to recharge every so often before I can speak to you. You have to go back to the well you threw it in, and by any means necessary, get that key back! Ugh, my powers fading again! Look I'll talk to you in a few days! Just get to the well before it's too late!”
Granny shrugs, “Alrighty then, but this better ain’ be no trick now ya hear?!”
Timely stares at Granny, “Before we head out then, let me stock up on your medicine, I’m coming too!”
Granny Smith raises an eyebrow, "No offense there Tiny, but you ain't much the adventurin' type. you sure you can handle it?"
Timely looks shocked, "I'll admit the idea of being out and about in such a huge world terrified me! But what about you? You never remember to take your meds! What if you fell and hurt yourself? What if you're hungry and the only food source is over a raging volcano, or surrounded by an army of trolls?!"

Granny Smith stares at Timely, "Right, because you're my knight in shining armor...if either of those things happen, I think we're both in big trouble. Although it would be nice to have some company honestly."

Timely stomps a hoof happily, "Then it's settled! I'll go grab a big supply of your medicine and we can head out right away!"

Celestia and Luna still stand there in shock, as Sombra sits on the floor, with a pleasant smile, writing his letter. He looks up at Celestia, “Do you think she’ll want to hear about my friend Discord? Eh, I’ll just include him anyways…” Sombra hums joyfully to himself as he writes.

Luna leans over and whispers to Celestia, "So um...is the mallet still a no-go? Because I uh..."
Celestia rolls her eyes, "I'm going to bed."

Granny Smith vs The Timber Wolves

Granny Smith and Timely walk along a dirt road lined with trees as far as the eye can see.
Granny Smith sighs and attempts to find something interesting to talk about again.

“So Timely...have ya always wanted to be that there uh...special care giver? I mean you got the smarts, why not be a doctor or somethin’?”

Timely looks down at the ground reluctantly, “Well, I wanted to be a doctor but I’m not very good with blood. Or confrontation. Or management. And when I see vomit, I start groaning and shaking. Also I hate needles. And I don’t do well under pressure. And studying makes me dizzy. And-”

“I get the picture there sonny. How about any sports? You play them?”
Timely looks horrified, "How could I?! All the yelling and running and hitting! Plus I just can't stand the idea of someone loosing! Like how could you be ok with that? I mean the idea of someone going home empty handed after trying so hard! I could never do that to somepony! What if they never recover? What if it destroys their self-esteem? What if somepony gets kicked off the team?! It would be all my fault!" Timely walks along quietly with a horrified expression, as he ponders over the vast nightmare of sports and sports related activities. His eyes are wide like he was having flashbacks to old war times.

Granny groans, "Ok then...you uh...got a girl back home?"

Timely looks down at the ground again, "I uh...I don't do well with women. I mean...what are you even suppose to say? Like what if I say something stupid? What if she thinks I'm weird or or or...what if she..." Timely swallows nervously, "What if she...wants to...hold hooves?!" Timely shutters in fright, "Or or or.." he looks around before leaning close to granny and whispering, "Or kiss?!"

Granny stomps the ground, "Oh common boy! There's flesh eating bacteria, and you're concerned with a girl showin' you some lovin'?!"
Granny Smith rolls her eyes and lets out a loud groan, "Ok then, what do you like to do then?!"

Timely thinks for a minute, "Um...I like taking care of ponies! You know...except the angry ones...or the sad ones. Or ones who are too quiet. Or if they talk too much. Or if they don't talk enough. I mean I'm ok with them making a lot of sounds. Unless they're the gross kind. I don't do well with nasty sounds. You know, coughing, sneezing, wheezing, or when people smack their mouth's when they eat. Or slurp their noodles."

Granny Smith's eyes grow wide as she slowly turns and stares at Timely. She contemplates the horrible fates she wouldn't mind befalling him.

The sun slowly begins to make it's way to the mountains in the distance and Granny yawns.
“Hey there Timmy, what you say we get some shut eye in one of these caves?”
Timely’s eyes grow wide, “But...there could be bats! And germs! And bears, or wolves! Or what if there's some freakish combination of all four! Could you imagine being imprisoned by some gross batbearwolf thing? And what if he slurps noodles while we sit in a cage listening?!”
Granny Smith stops and stares at Timely, “Sonny...you really gotta work on that there spine of yers. Now we can’t sleep out in the open, so put yer big boy boots on and let's hustle!”

They walk towards the nearest cave, as Timely’s eyes dart back and forth nervously. His gaze snaps at every shadow and bush. His front legs shake as he walks.
He hears a twig snap and gasps, “Granny! Was that a bat?!” Granny stops, turns around, and stares at Timely with an annoyed expression. “Yes. It was a big scary ol’ bat. Walking along the ground, while it’s still bright out. He’s gonna come over here and eat you alive boy! Of course it aint no bat you dummy! What ya think a bat is gonna do?! Rob us?! Oh I'm sorry mister bat! I know the economy is tough on you and all, but here, have some money. I swear boy I outta smack you upside that thick skull of yers!”

They get another ten steps before Timely hears another few twigs break. He screams and dives behind Granny Smith. She stops and rolls her eyes, “Tony, I’m at least for times your age and half yer size. I’d be a better distraction than cover honestly.”

Timely slowly raises himself off the ground, “I..I’m sorry Granny, I just don’t like forests!”
Granny Smith does her best to ignore him and continues walking towards the cave. Suddenly, two timber wolves jump out from behind a bush. Granny Smith’s eyes grow wide, and Timely shrieks before cowering into the dirt. They snarl at Granny, making gradual advances on them. Granny narrows her eyes and takes a few steps forward.

“Watcha gonna do, eat us?” The timber wolves howl in response.
Granny sighs, “Ok listen here. You see my leg?” Granny Smith lifts her front leg out, trembling in her old age. “You honestly think yer gonna get a meal outa me? I mean heck you’ll probably spend more calories chewin’ on me, than you’ll get. And Tyler here ain't got nothin’ on him either! Plus he’s so stressed out all the time, he’ll taste like ol’ tires he will. “

The wolves look at each other before staring at Granny. They start taking steps towards her again. Timely starts shrieking, “What are we gonna do Granny?!”

Granny sighs, “Ok well, plan B then. If you wolves are gonna eat us, at least let me get some fresh air will ya? I just wanna breath in the wonderful scent of the forest one last time…” she trails off admiringly. Granny Smith inhales, then her eyes bulge. She starts making horrible coughing noises, as if she’s trying to remove her lungs the hard way. The wolves flinch a few times in disgust but keep watching.

Granny Smith rolls around on the ground, dramatically coughing and sputtering. Her noises get louder as something is clearly trying to exit her throat. The wolves whimper, turn around and leave. One of them shakes his head in revulsion. Granny continues her act for another minute, before getting off the ground with a victorious grin. Timely runs over to her, “Granny! You ok?!”

Granny chuckles, “Aw it was nothin’ Thomas. Just one of my many talents! Now lets get over here in that cave and call it a night eay?” The pair walk into the cave and look around. While there’s nothing except the smooth cave walls, the cave itself goes on for quite a ways, quickly growing large and dark. The pair nestle down into the dirt and close their eyes.

Timely lifts his head as he hears a deep growl. “Uh Granny? I don’t think we’re alone here…” Granny looks at him in confusion before staring into the endless darkness of the cave. It’s completely silent for a minute before Granny chimes in. “Aw Taylor, ain’t nothing in here except-”
Two massive glowing eyes at the end of the cave open and stare viciously at the pair. A deep booming voice echoes through the cave, “Except me!” Timely shrieks and cowers in the ground again.

Granny Smith sighs, “Aw crap baskets.”