Can't Be Friends with Somepony Who Doesn't Talk

by HiddenMac

Rating: everyone
Tags: Comedy, Starlight Glimmer, Big Macintosh, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic
Length: 3228

Starlight Glimmer's spell enhances Big Mac's verbosity. The silent farmer now cannot help expressing himself using secret talents best left hidden.

Starlight Glimmer refuses to befriend Big Mac for being uncommunicative, so she changes the fundamental behavior of who he is. With the stallion unable to control his loquacity, he is forced to express himself using linguistic techniques that were best left hidden.

Warning: Alliteration, Haikus, and Palindromes.

Published 2016-06-01 02:40:01 UTC
Last updated 2016-06-01 02:40:01 UTC

Red now on level; no wonder!

"MAKE IT STOP!"

Big Mac turned and fled in terror. His sister Applejack looks at Starlight Glimmer, upset and disappointed with the unicorn's decision, and demands the retrieval of the vexed elder sibling. For her part, Glimmer seems annoyed and indignant. She is doing the silent stallion a favor, how could they be upset with her actions?...other than the fact she, once again, used magic to conform another pony to her standards. Still, she might as well fetch the farmer to avoid any further unpleasantness.

"Stupid mute! Can't he see that-" Starlight interrupts herself before slipping back into her old habits, "no Starlight! You're trying to redeem yourself! You're supposed to make friends, not enslave them!"

She pauses to collect herself and take a deep breath. Looking around, the large red earth pony seems to have disappeared. Though Big Mac is one of the larger ponies she has encountered, he is surprisingly also one of the fastest. Fortunately, the devastation of broken branches and disturbed dust makes his trail easy to observe. All Starlight has to do is follow the devastation and it will lead her to the distressed target.

Upon crossing over a destroyed bush left in Big Mac's wake, she comes across his little sister Apple Bloom. She had just finished playing with her Cutie Mark Crusader friends when she encountered her distraught brother sprinting past her in a panic. She has seen her brother at the worst and most humiliating of times, but she knew his current behavior was not of his choosing. Magic must be behind this, and the safest bet would be to assume that the reformed unicorn is responsible.

"What have you done to mah brother!" demands the tiny yellow filly.

"I just tried to make him a little more talkative. I don't want a dumb pony as a friend," Starlight explained.

Apple Bloom immediately sneers after hearing her brother insulted.

"NO! I meant dumb in the LITERAL sense...as in can't talk," Starlight fakes a grin.

Whatever the case, Apple Bloom has to let it go (for now) so that Starlight could undo the damage.

"He doesn't LIKE talking, and when he does it sometimes leads to him recitin' poetry or making funny wordplay. Guess that's why every word he said began with the same letter!"

"So, he's still alliterating? What did he say?" Starlight was now curious.

"Well," Apple Bloom remembered in a flashback, "it was something along the lines of... 'Bloom, be back before Braeburn brings both boxes bearing bountiful blackberries'.... I asked him to tell me what's wrong, he said... 'can't, 'cause calamity causes constant clamor coursing carelessly! Don't dare discuss demeaning disorder!'... Then he just panicked and yelled... 'EGADS! Evacuate eager equine else eternally examine emasculated eccentricities! EEYUUUUP!!!'... as he ran away!"

"Uhh...which way did he go?" Starlight had to catch him.

"That way," Apple Bloom pointed toward town, "JUST HURRY UP BEFORE HE RUNS OUT OF LETTERS!" Starlight was already in pursuit. Whatever the insane farmer does, they will surely blame her for it. She must catch him before he ruins what little goodwill she has already created.

"I've got to admit, it can't be easy to just instantly speak in alliteration. Perhaps he's not as...dumb as I first thought."

Starlight sprinted her way toward Ponyville. She had assumed that because Big Mac rarely spoke, that it must be because he was unintelligent. Ponies with intelligence should take control and those who weren't should quietly follow, or so she thought. While in pursuit of the presumably errant stallion, she attempts to alliterate herself.

"Starlight strode...stealthily?...seeking stupid...(no Starlight, you're not evil anymore!)" she had to once again correct herself, "...seeking SILENT...stallion so she...could? No... so she... this is harder than I thought! How could he just naturally do it?!"

She came into sight of the frightened farmer. He sat next to a bush so nopony could see him with his current malady. He rested to catch his breath as Starlight managed to sneak up without scaring him off. It should be just a simple counter-spell and he'll be as good as new, if you can call that good she thought. At least it will get everypony off her back.

"There you are! Let's get this over with and we'll never have to speak to each other again!" she had no more desire to interact with the plow pony and figured he'd feel the same way.

"Forget fixing frightened farmer! Flee, for finding friendlier folks flabbergasts foolish filly!" he's still in a panic, and rightfully so.

The terrified stallion leaps back up to flee when Starlight grabs hold of him with her magical energy. He attempts to fight free, but she is determined to force this whether he wants to or not.

"Oh no you don't!" she commands, "just...stand...still!"

She casts another spell hoping to remedy her unfortunate situation. He coughs and gags as another tendril of magic forces itself down his throat. Completed, she gasps with pride at the completion of her spell.

"That should do it! Give it a try!"

Mac looks at the unicorn with mistrust. He was always fascinated yet distrustful of Unicorn Magic. But if she fixed this, he should test it to make sure.

"Eeyup...it's.. diff'rent!

But why am I still talking?

Something is still wrong!"

"What do you mean? You sound normal to me and you're not alliterating anymore," Starlight convinced herself the stallion must be mistaken.

"I am still talking!

I often just say two words,

This is not normal!"

"Oh, just give it a chance! You might like it!" she is now growing frustrated with the uncooperative stallion. Can't he see she is only trying to help him?

"This is your doing,

but it is not who I am!

Now you won't fix it?"

"UGGHH!" Starlight rolls her eyes in annoyance.

Mac heard rumors about her. She is a very powerful unicorn that can enslave entire towns and be able to fly using just magic alone. Now she is obviously letting her frustrations be known, and he is the cause of her discontent. Rather than risking the full fury of this disgruntled mare, he believes it best to avoid her and seek remedy with a far more understanding friend like Twilight Sparkle. He must politely apologize before making a discreet escape.

"I apologize.

I don't wish to upset you,

I will be LEAVING!"

He involuntarily yelled the final word as he resumes his previous terrified panic away from powerful unicorn. Starlight was taken aback that the large pony truly seemed terrified as he made his escape. Though she grew accustomed to ponies cowering before her, she is now trying to be friendly. Grief starts to swell inside her as she, once again, felt that no matter how hard she tried, she will never escape her reputation. Still, she can't just let Mac run free, she'd have to catch him.

As Starlight trotted through the streets of Ponyville, she did her best to avert from the glares of the townsfolk. Mac had just passed through town and the citizens of Ponyville were none too pleased with the effects of the "gift" she bestowed unto the normally silent stallion. Many had known Mac since either his birth or theirs and hearing him in such distress while unable to control his mouth proved far more disconcerting than any Bugbear. Starlight needs to fix this, and fast!

She opened the door into Sugarcube Corner. If any pony were to help, it would be Pinkie Pie. Pinkie had already tried to help Starlight with making a friend, so she would understand the predicament Starlight now faces. After Starlight quickly looked around to find the pink party pony, she found her lying reclined in a corner, stomach overstuffed with the cake Starlight had created earlier that day.

"WELCOME BACK *burp!* STARLIGHT!" Pinkie greets enthusiastically.

"Hi Pinkie," Starlight acknowledges, "have you, uh, seen Big Mac around?"

"AND HEARD!" Pinkie jumps up to motion along with the recounting of her encounter, "I have never heard Mac say so many words at one time before! He was like 'JABBER JABBER JABBER!' and I was like 'geez Mac, don't you know when to stop talking?' because, you know, it's like SUPER annoying when somepony keeps on talking and talking but you want them to be quiet so you can get a word in, but they just keep on going and going and going like some pink bunny with a drum and you finally have to lose patience and yell something like 'MY TURN' but you hope you don't hurt their feelings but they just WON'T! STOP! TALKING! and you're finally forced to scream just to make it stop and-"

"PINKIE!"

"Oh, sorry," Pinkie finally acknowledged, "YES! Mac came in! He said he was running from a mean filly trying to use magic on him? You wouldn't know who that is, would you?" She seems genuinely ignorant to the fact it was actually Starlight.

"Uh, can you just tell me where he went?" Starlight attempted to change the subject.

"YEP YEP! He's upstairs!" Pinkie zipped up to Starlight and spoke into her ear as if she were telling her a secret. "HE'S HIDING!" she whispered as loud as possible before pressing her hoof up to her mouth, indicating a shushing signal.

"O-o-okay...thanks..." Starlight spoke before walking away. Pinkie responded with a large grin before returning to groaning and rubbing her tummy, still uncomfortable at eating the oversized cake from earlier. After ascending the stairs, Starlight opens the door to Pinkie's room. She immediately notices the large mass trying to hide under the covers on Pinkie's bed.

"Not very subtle, Mac..." Starlight condescends as she makes her way over.

She quickly removed the blanket only to find a pile of pillows that were meant to fool the unicorn. Surprised, she immediately scours the room in search of the missing stallion. She finally notices the opened window and sheets tied together so Mac could rappel away. She looks outside just in time to see him sprinting back toward his farm.

"Clever pony," she admits, "he knew Pinkie couldn't keep the secret!"

Perhaps he wasn't as stupid as she thought. Still, she has to put a stop to this. She teleported away from Pinkie's room and reappeared in the path of the frightened Mac. He recoils at the sudden emergence of the imposing mare. Terrified, he pleads her to just leave him alone.

"Torment me no more;

I wish to be free of you!

Please just let me be!"

A crowd of ponies soon congregate on the spectacle. Many shout in agreement with Mac and urge Starlight away, but she has to change him back to appease Applejack.

"Sorry, I'm going to make this right whether you go willingly or if I have to drag you back!"

Her horn glows as she casts another spell. Once again Mac panics as he tries to flee, causing the spell to not work properly. When the glow subsided, Starlight nodded in accomplishment as the rest of the witnesses observe the stallion to see if the spell had indeed worked. Mac stood back up to see if everything was back to normal.

"Don't nod!" Mac mutters.

Confused, Starlight inquires as to his meaning.

"Don't tell me it didn't work again?! Everything must be better NOW!"

"No, it is opposition!" he exclaims in another palindrome.

"Opposition? What?"

"Yak, mare, I do! Die, ram! 'kay?"

"What in Equestria are you talking about?!" these riddles are getting on her nerves.

"He's speaking in palindromes," explains a bystander, "I think he means he can't stop talking and he wants you to stop 'ramming' him with magic!"

If he'd only listen to me, this would all be over! Glimmer couldn't understand why or how Mac was able to resist, but she was determined to get it right.

"Fine! Let's do this one more time! And NO RESISTING!" Glimmer was out of patience.

"No sir! Prefer prison!" Mac wants no more part of this.

Starlight's anger is reaching a breaking point. She is GOING to fix this and Mac could do nothing to stop her. He could see that hateful look in her eyes and feared she might overcompensate.

"Live not on evil, madam, live not on evil!" but she is well beyond rationalizing. Her sole objective is to change Mac back and she is going to do it.

Mac looks around for anything that could save him from the enraged unicorn. His eyes widen as he views potential salvation looking onward (in different directions) from the audience of horrified witnesses.

"Sniff 'um! Muffins!" Mac screams, noticing the gray pegasus in the surrounding crowd. Assuming muffins were to be had, the pegasus pounces on Starlight. With his tormentor distracted, Big Mac takes this opportunity to, once again, make his escape toward Sweet Apple Acres.

When Big Mac found his way back to Sweet Apple Acres, the first thing to greet him was an angered look on the face of his sister Applejack. Her disgruntled face is a common occurrence as she's often annoyed at something he'd done, or had neglected to do. What catches his attention is the fact that she had not been wearing her usual hat.

"No Stetson?" he inquires.

"Dern tootin' no hat!" For some reason, she seems angry at HIM. "Starlight's doin' her best to try to make friends and you just run off like that?! When she told me how you've been fightin' her every step of the way, why... Ah threw mah hat down and came over to give you what for! Yer gonna beg for forgiveness fer makin' me look foolish!"

"Revenge by beg? Never!"

Starlight came up behind Applejack to hand her back the hat. Applejack huffed as she slammed it back on her head. Mac had forgotten that Starlight could teleport and come back to the farm before he could. Her demeanor is no longer one of frustration, but of shame. She kept trying to force her will on him when the whole purpose was to accept him for what he is. She finally admitted defeat to Applejack and was ready to apologize to Big Mac.

"I'm sorry for scaring you; I guess I can still be a little evil. If it's ok, I'd like to try one more time to help. I know what I used to be, but I'm trying hard to change all that. Hopefully one day you won't hate me anymore," she pleaded.

Big Mac started to feel guilt as well. She was only trying to be friendly and here he was, concerned only about his own problems. He grew to hate himself and all the distress he caused the penitent filly. He took a brief moment to find the words and offer up the closest admission he could to an apology. Finally, Big Mac presents his speech with the emotion of a master thespian.

"Deliver no evil, I saw. Dash on I start up, never a foot too far. 'E!' Mac not up! 'Live'...sit on, I shame! Espirit nap! Anti! Rip! See mah sin! O, 'Tis evil, put on camera, foot too far, even put rats in. Oh, sad was I! Live on, REVILED!"

Whatever Starlight thought of Mac before, she couldn't deny this: That was impressive! She found herself staring in amazement at the improvised, emotional, and lengthy palindrome. All she could think to do is just applaud out of respect. Applejack follows suit, for as well as she knew her brother, he could still find ways to surprise her. However, speaking in palindromes is like speaking in riddles, they could only understand a bit of it.

"Mac, are you saying you feel this is YOUR fault?" Starlight inquires.

"Mood was I saw doom!" he still couldn't resist the spell.

Starlight's shame rose as she reflected on the series of events. Once again, she had forced a pony to behave in a way contrary to their own choosing. Even while trying to do good, she ended up committing evil while other ponies paid the price. The absolute hardest fact to accept is that this pony actually believes he is partly to blame. Was she always meant to manipulate? Is she always going to be hated, alone, for following her instincts.

"Big Mac, It's not your fault at all. I've been alone most of my life. I'm still learning what it means to be a friend. I'm going to make mistakes, as I did with you. I don't know if you'll understand; ponies in this town have lots of friends, but I haven't! One day, I hope we can have a drink and laugh about this. Until then..."

Starlight once again tries her counter spell. This time, Big Mac does not resist. He feels a surge of energy flow through his body, then out his mouth as the spell dissipated. Starlight asks him about the results.

"All better?"

"E...Eeyup!" and that is it!

"Whew! Glad that's all taken care of!" Applejack chimes in.

"Yeah," Starlight agrees, "so Mac? Are we cool? We friends now?"

"Nope," he quickly replies.

The response shocks both mares. Mac was usually known for his chivalry and politeness, yet he appears indifferent on Starlight's apology. Why would he admit fault earlier only to not care for her feelings now?

"Oh... OK. I understand..." Starlight hangs her head, upset with the sudden rejection. Saddened, she turns away, dejected in yet another failure.

Applejack sneers at her brother, infuriated at his unforeseen rudeness. For his part, Mac was never experienced in expressing his feelings and is just as competent in speaking to ponies he barely knew; especially ones who tried to control him. He felt Starlight is owed an explanation, which should be easier now that he could talk normally.

"Ms. Glimmer," he respectfully called. His soft baritone voice catches her attention as she turns back around, "Ah don't have that many friends either. Must be hard fer ya to believe, but most ponies don't like hangin' 'round some stallion that doesn't talk. It's prob'ly why AJ volunteered me! Ah might not be the most social of ponies, but Ah love havin' someone tah share a drink with. Somepony who likes being around me for ME, and not some chatterbox whose only purpose is to entertain them. We might not be friends now, but Ah'd like it if we could be one day, if yer still up fer it that is".

Starlight smiled at the honest explanation. Perhaps one day she could be friends with somepony who doesn't talk! For now, she can rest contented in the fact she did not completely ruin this potential friendship. She just might one day take him up on his offer.

"I'd like that, Big Mac. One day, we'll go have drinks together!" She adds a little friendly banter, "if you think you can keep up, that is!"

Mac only knew one way to respond to that: with one last palindromic jab showing he'd already forgiven her.

"Campus motto: bottom's up, Mac!"

Author's Note

Inspired by the episode and the Robot Chicken Batman sketch with Palindrome. Look for it on youtube (it's awesome). I won't link it because I want to keep this story E rated.

I checked my long palindrome a few times. Hopefully I didn't miss something. :pinkiecrazy: