How many Applejacks does it take to feed a pig?
“It is so nice to relax after a day of hard work, isn’t it?” Rarity said dreamily, floating in a haze of scented waters in the Ponyville Spa.
“Ah reckon you’re right.”
“You said that very well!”
“Thanks,” Twilight said, laughing. “It’s too bad Applejack can’t be here, though.”
“Yes, well apparently she can’t go an entire day without having some chores to do.” Rarity rolled her eyes. “I suppose we should just be grateful we got four hours out of her.”
Twilight nodded and then hesitated. A frown crossed her face as she sat in the spa bath. “Speaking of Applejack, why did it take you both so long at the spa? I know there were leaky pipes, but why did it take an hour to fix that? I’m no mechanic, but I think I could have tightened a few bolts in a matter of minutes.”
Rarity paused in the act of applying cucumber slices to her eyes. “Now that you mention it…that did seem to take a long time.I mean, it took her nearly half the…hour to figure out that there were leaky pipes and that was why the spa wasn’t heating up!” Rarity confided in Twilight. “I mean, honestly. I figured that out quite quickly.”
“Well, why didn’t you fix it yourself then?” Twilight demanded.
“Me, fix plumbing? Please darling, I’m going to the spa to relax,” Rarity said.
Twilight rolled her eyes.
“Anyways, my point is that Applejack’s clearly a bit…” Rarity hesitated, searching for the right word.
“Confused?” Twilight offered.
“Exactly,” Rarity said in relief. “I mean, did you see all those silly things she was doing with her chores? Feeding her chickens one by one? Watering her fields by sections? Bungie jumping into the pig trough? She could have died!”
“I know,” Twilight said, a worried frown on her face. “And it looks like she was really behind as well. Because chickens don’t lay more than one egg a day. She was collecting three to four eggs each time. Does that mean she didn’t feed her chickens for three days straight?”
“And you can’t bungie jump with just a rope,” Rarity said. “You need a stretchable rope or you’ll break every bone in your body when the rope stretches. Even I know that.”
The two unicorns sat in worried silence. “As for the irrigation…” Twilight shook her head. “There was one main valve. How did she miss that? I can’t believe it took her an entire hour to feed her pigs before. And if she’s been doing that for years…”
The two ponies exchanged a long glance.
“You don’t think Applejack is a bit…slow, do you?” Rarity said nervously. “I don’t want to assume but—”
“Maybe.” Twilight said in a hushed voice. “I mean, it’s not like I’ve seen her having problems.”
“And it’s not as if Earth Ponies are that different from unicorns or pegasi,” Rarity said slowly. “They’re just…different, that’s all.”
“Different,” Twilight agreed. “Yeah, that’s all. I mean, they’re strong.”
“Tough.”
“Trustworthy.”
“Just not…”
“Not like unicorns, I guess.” Twilight finished. She looked at her wings. “Or alicorns. Which is fine! I love Applejack, but let’s try to be nicer to her in the future, agreed? We can…help her out. If she needs it.”
“Oh, of course,” Rarity said quickly. “I wouldn’t want to make the poor dear think she’s not…capable. It’s just that we all have our roles, don’t we? I can’t see an Earth Pony becoming Celestia’s pupil, can you?”
“Or an Earth Pony villain?” Twilight laughed. “I think their evil plans might be a bit too easy to unravel.”
Both ponies laughed and settled back down into the hot water. “Applejack’s probably finishing up her farm chores,” Rarity commented. “Now that we’ve improved her work, I’m sure she’ll have a lot more time to hang out with us.”
“No doubt,” Twilight said, luxuriating in the hot water. “But she still works hard, inefficiencies or no. I wonder what kind of chores take up her entire day?”
“Oh, no doubt some dreadfully boring stuff,” Rarity replied. “I don’t know how Applejack can stand it.”
“Maybe she’s got a hobby?” Twilight suggested. “Sometining to keep her occupied while she works.”
“Like what, darling?” Rarity asked. “Counting sheep?”
On her farm, Applejack finished stacking the last bale of hay and wiped a bead of sweat out of her eyes. Next to her Applebloom wrestled another barrel of Apple Cider into place and likewise paused for a break.
“Is everypony gone?” Applejack muttered out of the corner of her mouth to Applebloom.
“Ah don’t see anypony, and Sweetie Belle and Scootaloo have both left,” Applebloom said. “Ah reckon it’s safe.”
“Me too.” Applebloom took one more look around and nodded. “It’s about time. Let’s go.”
Both ponies casually walked over to the side of the Apple family barn. But rather than entering, Applejack stepped to the side and stomped on the ground hard.
The earth around the barn parted, and a long staircase appeared, leading down into the darkness. Without any hesitation the two Earth Ponies walked down the stone passageway and into a long tunnel.
At the end of the tunnel was an imposing iron door. Applejack knocked on it twice.
“Password?” A disembodied voice asked.
“Terra consurget,” Applejack replied.
The door swung open.
Applebloom and Applejack walked into a brightly lit room, quite unlike the ominous tunnel preceding it. And around that table sat many familiar faces. Notable was in this room none of the inhabittents had either horns or wings.
“Everypony, as always thank you for coming.” Applejack sat in a chair at the round table and motioned for Applebloom to join her. “I’d like to preface this meeting by welcoming our newest member. Applebloom has finally attained her Cutie Mark, and so she will be a regular at these gatherings.”
Applebloom blushed with delight as voices of welcome sounded out.
“Thanks, y’all!” Applebloom said excitedly. “Ah always wanted to be part of these here meetings!”
“Language Applebloom,” Applejack said, “now that we’re not around other ponies, let’s try to speak civilly, shall we?”
Applebloom blushed. “Sorry, Applejack.”
“We all know it’s hard keeping up double fronts,” Filthy Rich said from his seat across the table. “But it is necessary to keep unicorns and pegasi in the dark. Without our tricking them into believing Earth Ponies are less intelligent, we’d never get anything done around here.”
“Exactly,” Applejack nodded. “So let’s get down to business. I had to deal with Twilight and Rarity today, so I didn’t get much work done – I’ve managed to read through fifteen reports from Mayor Mare regarding Ponyville’s infrastructure. It looks like we’ll have to repair the dam soon, and of course, we still need to shore up the riverbanks. Besides that though, everything looks good in our area.”
Filthy Rich nodded. “Mayor Mare will ‘suggest’ to Twilight they work be done on both fronts tomorrow. In the meantime, I’ve been doing the Equestrian tax reports.”
He passed a sheaf of papers around the table.
“It appears Princess Celestia has mismanaged funding in Appleloosa again,” Filthy Rich sighed. “There’s a deficit in her budget that she hasn’t noticed regarding the maintenance of the sewers. I’ll inject two thousand bits into the revenue stream with a few timely imports of Zap Apple jam. ”
“Hold on a minute here,” Applejack shook her head. “We’ve been down this road before, remember? Simply balancing Celestia’s budget isn’t enough. She’s going to spend at least a few hundred bits on some kind of project – like more of those confounded stained glass windows.”
Filthy Rich grimaced. “Fair point. I’ll make it six thousand bits and have one of my workers fall into an open manhole to illustrate the problem.”
“Why do we call them manholes anyways?” Apple Bloom piped up. “Ah – excuse me – I always wondered about that term.”
Big Mac cleared his throat. “The root of the word ‘man’ comes from the Latin word manus, or hand,” he lectured ponderously. “This of course refers to the issue of sewer maintenance in ancient Equestria when it was first invented by Soiled Waste. The nature of using sewer coverings meant that only unicorns or beings such as minotaurs that had hands could effectively detach the covers and descend into the sewers, hence the appellation.”
“Oh, I see.” Applejack nodded. “I thought they might have been referring to those creatures Lyra keeps telling everyone about, those ‘hoomans’.”
“I’ve heard the same talk coming out of her mouth. I’m afraid she’s addled, poor creature.” Granny Smith shook her head sadly. “It’s the neurological wasting of the brain caused by excessive use of magic. In some ponies the shielding effect of their horns isn’t enough to counter the thaumaturgical strain and well, hallucinations and visions of strange creatures isn’t the least of it.”
“It’s an evolutionary issue,” Applejack whispered to Applebloom. “Thankfully Celestia and Luna are free of it, but we’ve been monitoring Cadence and Twilight for signs of the disease.”
“That’s awful!” Applebloom looked shaken. “Is Sweetie Belle going to come down with it?”
“Hopefully not,” Big Mac said. “Our experiments in genetic alteration have yielded a far higher percentage of healthy ponies without this wasting disease – we call it HIV or Human Insanity Visions – and hopefully Lyra’s generation will be the last. Until then, she’s simply a victim of her genes.”
“All the more reason why our Appleloosan expedition is so critical,” Applejack explained. “Which brings us back onto our main point. Pinkie Pie, I believe you had good news?”
Pinkie Pie bounced up in her seat. “I do indeedy! I was super-duper excited when I visited the awesome ponies over there and—”
“Pinkie,” Applejack said, “we’re not around other ponies. You can drop the act.”
“Oh, of course.” Pinkie Pie settled back down in her seat and sighed. “Apologies.” She reached up and tugged at her mane, withdrawing a pair of glasses which she settled on top of her nose. “The price of too much acting,” she said to Applebloom. “It’s great for a thespian, but I’m afraid I get lost in the role sometimes.”
“We do appreciate your work, and Cheese Sandwich’s,” Granny Smith told Pinkie Pie. “Without our roaming agents we’d have far more trouble dealing with sudden emergencies as they arrive.”
“Yes, well, let’s just say I’ll need another trip to the dentist after today,” Pinkie said. “I had to eat sixteen pounds of cotton candy today as part of my party routine.” She shuddered. “But back to business. Braeburn tells me they’ve established the underground research labs beneath the apple orchards and will be close to fully operational within the month. During the next month’s rodeo we’ll gather to discuss his group’s findings.”
“Good, good.” Filthy Rich sat back in his chair. “I’ll send more funds with your next shipment of pies. Do make sure to note which ones have the green ribbons tied to them. Poor Trouble Shoes ate one of them last time and he had to pass nearly ten pounds of bits out of his stomach.”
“We’ll make a note of it.” Applejack said. “Now, let’s talk about issues of national security. Major Truffles, your report?”
The last member of the table sat up and put his hooves together. The pink pig leaned forwards, a serious expression on his face.
“Our scouts still haven’t found Chrysalis,” he told the table. “But we’re expanding our search westwards. We believe she might have hidden herself in the Everfree, so we’ll send Lieutenant Angel to scout there. Progress is slow though, as we keep running into Wonderbolt patrols and having to play dumb.”
“I still can’t believe they think all animals can’t talk,” Applebloom said. “How do the unicorns and pegasi never notice?”
Major Truffles shrugged. “We’ve got a lot of experience in subterfuge,” he said calmly. “But you should know that. After all, your family plays their role just as well. I’m told Applejack had to act especially obtuse today. I particularly liked the part where she pretended to be a chicken?”
“A chicken?” Big Mac chortled. “What were you doing?”
Applejack rolled her eyes. “I know, I know. Rarity and Twilight are convinced I’m an idiot now. But I had to make up a reason why it would take me an entire hour to feed the pigs! I panicked, and well…”
“Come on, tell!” Applebloom bounced up and down in her seat. “Was it like the disaster at Rarity’s new boutique?”
“Not nearly as bad as that fiasco thankfully,” Applejack said with a sigh. “No, it all started when Rarity insisted I go to the spa, and I found that for some reason no pony had checked the plumbing in months…”
