A magician never reveals his unicorn

by arkantos

Rating: everyone
Tags: Comedy, Random, Pinkie Pie, Human, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Other
Length: 1504

After seeing a magical performance by a certain great and powerful unicorn, a human comes to a very startling realization.

After seeing a magical performance by a certain great and powerful unicorn, a human comes to a very startling realization.

Published 2016-05-29 18:20:02 UTC
Last updated 2016-05-29 18:20:02 UTC

They're all frauds!

It was just another late but not-so-calm evening in Ponyville, and a crowd of eager and curious ponies had all gathered around to watch the performance of a certain magical unicorn on stage. They all watched in awe as she just shot herself from a cannon and got swallowed whole by a vicious manticore. One of the more timid mares in the crowd fainted at that instant, but she soon got back up on her hooves and joined the rest of the crowd for a loud round of applause as the great and powerful magician reappeared in a box next to the manticore.

"What the?"

Unknown to just about every single pony in Equestria, there was a very peculiar creature that had been spying on them for quite some time now. A human -- to be exact. A strange creature from a strange planet of unknown origins. It watched the performance while hiding in a bush in order to not let anypony know of its presence. The creature then bore witness to a sight that would shed light on the mystery it was trying to figure out.

"Wait a minute..." the creature exclaimed as it stood up from the bush it was hiding in after seeing the magician reveal her assistant. "So that's why they never reveal their secrets! They're all frauds!" The creature slammed its fist against the palm of its other hand. "I've got to get back home and--"

"Hi!"

"Aaah!" the creature yelled out after nearly getting scared to death by a pink pony that had cotton candy instead of hair. It got knocked off its feet from the sudden shock and fell flat on its back.

"Whatcha doing?" the pink pony inquired as she leaned over to gaze into the creature's eyes. She then rapidly blinked several times in a row.

"Uhm..." The creature was at a loss of words.

"My name's Pinkie Pie! What's yours?"

"Uuuuhhh..."

"Uuuuhhh?" the pony repeated and then giggled. "That's a funny name! I wish that was my name! Ooh! Or maybe something of the sort, like Bleeeeeegh or Gaaaaaaah!" Pinkie Pie rubbed her chin before continuing. "Hmm... Maybe that's not such a good idea, after all. I mean, imagine if my friend had to call me that all the time! Hey Bleeeeeegh, got a minute? Oh, hi Gaaaaaaah! How ya doing? I wouldn't want my friends to have to spend five whole seconds just to say my name every time we see each other. That's five whole seconds, every time! And I meet my friend a lot of times every day! Imagine how many seconds they would waste every day just saying my name! I'm pretty sure I could..." She paused for a moment as she saw her conversation partner running away. "Hey Uuuuhhh! Wait up!" she called out and started cheerfully bouncing after him.

"How did I get myself into this..." the creature asked itself while running.

***

Back on Earth, a talented and well-known magician had finished his performance and was just beginning to take a bow to the crowd.

"Stop this travesty!" a very loud voice called out right as the doors to the theater got slammed open.

The confused and somewhat-frightened crowd stared at the mysterious man at the doors as loud chattering engulfed the entire room.

"That man is a fraud!" the man near the door yelled as he pointed his finger at the magician on stage, directing everyone's attention towards him.

"What is the meaning of this!?" the magician demanded an answer.

"I'll tell you what is the meaning of this," the man replied in an arrogant tone as he began walking closer to the stage. "You are not the real author of the illusions that you go around flaunting to everyone!"

The crowd gasped loudly.

"Blasphemy!" the magician retorted. "What nonsense is this!?"

"I happen to have it on good authority that you have a unicorn assistant casting every single spell for you!"

"A unicorn!?" The magician laughed. "Have you been watching too many cartoons, boy? There isn't even anyone else here on stage with me! Let alone -- a unicorn!"

"Oh, really?" the unconvinced intruder asked with sly smile on his face as he jumped on the stage. "Then what do you call..." He grabbed the curtains behind the stage and drew them open. "This!"

Unsurprisingly to just about everyone in the room, there wasn't anything behind the curtains other than a bunch of stage props. The man standing near the curtains nearly fainted from embarrassment at that moment.

"Bravo!" The magician began to applaud. He continued taunting the man in a scoffing tone. "Oh, how naive I was to think that no one would ever see through my illusions... Yes, it's all true, I never would have been able to perform any of my tricks without the help of my useful stage props." He turned towards the crowd and kept clapping. "Let us all give a round of applause to the true talent behind these magic tricks! Oh! And of course -- the man who so boldly exposed me for the fraud that I am. Truly, he deserves praise. Bravo! Bravo!"

As the magician coaxed the crowd, they couldn't help but follow his lead and send a massive wave of embarrassment towards the already mortified man on stage. The loud cheering, clapping and whistling followed the poor soul all the way to the exit door. With tomato-red cheeks, he walked out the door with a face that looked like it was about to burst into tears.

"Show's over!" the magician declared after the applauding had dispersed. With a swift motion, he covered himself with his cape and made his way off the stage through the staff entrance door.

***

Not too long after the magic show had ended, the magician was already back in his room and was readying himself for the next performance.

"Sir?" a voice came up from behind the door. A woman walked inside as it opened. "I brought you your coffee," the woman said while walking closer to the magician.

"Just put it on my table," the magician impassively replied.

"Sir, if you don't mind me asking..." the woman kept talking as she did as the man instructed. "The whole fiasco with the man accusing you of being a fraud... what was--"

"Don't ask," the magician interrupted. "Just another product of this crazy planet we like to call home."

"Understood, Sir." Without another word, the woman left the coffee on the table and walked out the door.

As the woman left the room, the magician sighed loudly and stared into the mirror. All of a sudden, the sound of four, horseshoe-covered feet walking towards him came up from behind him.

"I thought you said that no one could possibly know..." the disgruntled magician spoke and scowled at the mirror as he saw his unicorn assistant appearing in it.

"I-I did!" the unicorn meekly replied with a touch of uncertainty in her tone. "I have no idea how he could have known. It doesn't make any sense!" she defended herself.

"It's all right," the magician admitted in a sincere tone as he walked over to his assistant and placed his palm on her cheek. "I'm just glad you managed to escape before he opened the curtains." He smiled warmly at the pony who gladly returned the smile. It wasn't long before the smile was turned into an even more heartfelt hug.

"Sir!" a voice called out from behind the door. "You're up in five!"

"Ready for another round?" the magician asked as he disengaged from the hug and placed his hand on the unicorn's shoulder.

"As ready as I'll ever be!"

***

Meanwhile, back in Equestria...

"Dumb magician..." The frustrated human kicked a rock as he slowly dragged himself forward with his hands in his pockets and his head hanging lower than his neck. "I'm never going back to Earth again... Dumb humans and their dumb--"

"Uuuuhhh!"

"Aagh!" the man cried out and fell on his back.

Pinkie Pie giggled as she leaned towards the man's face. "You sure are a funny guy, Uuuuhhh! I'm glad I found you! I wasn't finished telling you about how ridiculous would it be if I had the same kind of name as you!"

"Why me..." the man whimpered.

"Like I was saying," Pinkie Pie picked up from where she left off. "If my friends had to say my name five whole seconds every time they greeted me, then they would have to waste a lot of time every day just to let me know that they're talking to me! Or about me! That's time that I could use to bake delicious cupcakes instead! Or even throw a very short party for Gummy! Or--"

The End

"Hey!" Pinkie opened up a hole in the black screen. "I wasn't done talking!"

Author's Note

Something short and stupid to lighten up the mood... At least, that's what I hope I did... :twilightsheepish: