A Most Irregular Tea Party
A Most Irregular Tea Party
by Present Perfect
"But why is the tea gone?"
Twilight's head swung back and forth between Princess Celestia and the prim servant standing in the doorway of Celestia's chambers. No amount of hoof-chest-away swooshing could calm her breathing.
"As I said, Twilight," said Celestia with a sigh, "there has been a string of thefts in the castle. Sadly, they have been targeting the kitchen foremost."
Twilight tore at her mane. "They stole all your tea?"
"As well as the coffee, Your Highness," added the servant.
"Who would steal from the palace?" Twilight flopped onto her back, wings askew. "Who would steal tea?"
Celestia grimaced. "Dare I ask what we will be having instead, Silver Setting? Juice?"
"I'm afraid not, ma'am. Shipment hasn't come through."
"Soft drinks?"
Silver Setting shook her head. "Quite the opposite, I'm afraid."
"So wine, then--"
"What about water?" Twilight blurted, sitting up. "There has to at least be water!"
"I am certain there will be, once the royal plumbers have finished their work." Silver Setting inclined her head slightly. "Until such time as we can replenish our stocks, however, the only beverage in the castle is beer."
Celestia's eyes unfocused, and she swayed in place. "Beer..."
Silver Setting bowed. "The finest selection of craft ales in the kingdom, Your Highness." She stepped back, clopped her hooves together twice, and a male servant entered, carrying numerous bottles on serving trays.
No tea. It was all Twilight could think. No tea, and not even water to make it with. There was always tea!
In all their private talks and get-togethers, rare though they had become since Twilight's ascension, a tea set and some form of tea had been constants. Twilight had been so excited, brimming with fillyish giddiness that morning at the thought of spending time with Celestia, even though she was Very Much a Grown Up Princess Herself and should be past such things. She had pranced through the streets of Canterlot on the way to the palace, for pony's sake! The promise of tea and tea sets and chess was just more than she could resist.
When she was just a foal, Twilight had thought Celestia used a different tea set, most of them Chineighse porcelain, every single time she would visit. That wasn't true, of course: Celestia only had one hundred and forty-five of them. That Twilight knew of. There had been repeats, was the point.
What had always sparked her imagination most was that, for all these dozens and dozens of tea sets, some of them quite nearly identical, Celestia knew the history of each. If asked about one, she would expound on the historical period in which it had been created, its cultural significance, the identity of whoever had gifted it to her and, on not-so-rare occasions, that of the craftspony who had created it.
There were tea sets for particular events. A particularly gaudy, not terribly expensive set, for instance, was a favorite of Celestia's for private Hearth's Warming parties, as its garish red-and-green-with-pine-trees motif had no place in the public eye. Manehattan's fashion elite would have heart attacks if they knew their princess owned such an eyesore.
But over the years, Twilight had learned to gauge Celestia's moods by the presence of the set waiting in her boudoir. The red and gold enamel from Zebrica appeared when the Princess needed to unwind after particularly trying diplomatic negotiations or parliamentary debates. The all-silver set meant it was time for quiet contemplation and not asking five questions a minute, Twilight, thank you. And the ancient clay set from the Qilinese Empire with the cracked teapot was always present when Celestia was feeling sad; most especially, Twilight would later realize, it appeared on the anniversary of Luna's banishment. She hadn't seen that one much recently.
Today, the set which had greeted her, tealess though it might be, was more whimsical, painted to look like a family of chickens and one duck. There was, as far as Twilight knew, no particular significance to it, other than Celestia had been touched by the humble dowager who had willed it to her when she passed away. At least the story had been interesting, even if the set itself was as tacky as the Hearth's Warming one.
And of course, along with the tea sets, Celestia was able to communicate through the tea itself. Figuring that language out had taken Twilight even longer, for tea was a thing of intentions.
Black pekoe for polite welcoming of strangers and dignitaries. Green for humor. Rooibos to calmly intimidate a would-be challenger. Darjeeling when she wanted to talk. Jasmine when she merely wanted to listen.
Again, if prompted, Celestia could tell Twilight about how various historical figures liked to take their tea. Clover the Clever, for instance, had taken hers with only a dribble of cream. King Grover of Griffonstone had eschewed it entirely, preferring the inferior beverage known as coffee. Commander Easy Glider liked his tea with a shot of bourbon, though it was Celestia's opinion that he never actually poured tea in his cup, just the bourbon.
All this information Twilight had long held in the utmost importance. Keeping it all straight kept her up nights.
"Very well," Celestia said at last, when the little round table had been covered in sweating beer bottles and the servants dismissed. "At least there is something to drink."
"Yeah, it's not so bad," Twilight said, putting on a wan smile. "We can still play chess like we always do!"
"Your optimism is refreshing as usual, Twilight." Celestia smiled softly. "That would be lovely indeed."
Ah, yes! Chess. The game of the gods! Twilight had always admired it for its finiteness. A deck had fifty-two cards, but depending on the number of players, the possibilities were endless. Games with dice, or wheels spun to move pieces along a track, depended far too much on luck. And she'd never quite understood her brother's fascination with role-playing.
But chess was an activity whose limits she could fully understand and frequently predict. Only so many possible openings, only so many possible responses, a vast but countable number of possible moves, and then checkmate. It was an intimate sport, one-on-one, to be played frantically against the clock or leisurely with a friend.
While Celestia's love of the game was well known, she was not, as popular belief would have it, Equestria's greatest chessmaster. That honor went to her sister. But Celestia still had centuries of experience and never played down to her opponent, nor did she let her emotions sway her control. In all their years of mutual pawn-pushing, Twilight and Celestia's record stood with Twilight a mere two games up, both of them recent.
She watched expectantly as Celestia retrieved the folding chess board, Twilight's favorite when she had still been a student. But as Celestia opened the cabinet, her face fell.
No! cried Twilight internally. Chess was their game! Surely that couldn't have changed, too!
Twilight slapped her forehead. "Don't tell me, they also stole the chess set!"
"Nooooo," Celestia said hesitantly, holding up the board. "Only the pieces."
Drawing her hooves down her face, Twilight let forth a lengthy, frustrated moan. Instead of the expected thirty-two figures wrought in silver and obsidian, inside the chess board were two switchblade knives.
"Are you kidding me?" Twilight wrested the board from Celestia's grasp, staring at the knives as though she could will them to turn into chess pieces. She could have, of course, but a two-piece game would have been rather anticlimactic.
"Who steals a few hundred bits' worth of chess pieces, leaves behind the equally expensive board, and replaces them with knives?"
"I really wish I knew." Celestia sighed. "Honestly, this is beyond the pale."
As she stared at the weapons, Twilight had to admit they certainly weren't awful. It was quite possible they cost as much as the chess set. Made of fine ivory and worked with exquisite craftsponyship, the handles were works of art. Mother of pearl inlays depicted the Tree of Harmony on one, and on the other, Celestia herself, her mane coruscating in pearlescent waves.
"They're actually really pretty," she said softly.
"And I have no idea where they came from." Celestia sighed again. "Somepony has gone to great expense to play an extremely bizarre prank upon me, I fear."
Setting the chessboard and its unexpected occupants aside, Twilight leaned forward and picked up the nearest bottle.
"I think I could use a drink right about now."
Fruit beer was Twilight Sparkle's new best friend.
She had, over the course of the last hour or so, discovered that beer had its own language, the same as tea, and become decently well versed therein. Chocolate stouts, for instance, were like a warm hug from an extremely large minotaur, well-meaning but unpleasant if sampled in too great an amount. Whinndia Pale Ales were like the teasing touch of a flirtatious mare, giggling and effervescent. Earthy porters socked you playfully in the shoulder while laughing about how much you'd regret this in the morning. Lagers tasted like donkey pee.
But each fruity beer Twilight had tried -- and there had been a lot to try, "finest selection of craft ales in the kingdom" and all -- regardless of whether it was flavored with apples, berries, honey or flowers, was like listening to Pinkie Pie laugh while she threw the biggest, bestest party ever. Twilight loved them all.
"I love youuuu," she said.
"I know, Twilight," said Celestia.
"I wanna have a... a million babies!"
Celestia set her stout down. "I know, Twilight."
Twilight swigged the last of her... It was probably raspberry. She downed the last of her raspberry beer and tried to tongue the little furls of foam out as they slid down the bottle neck.
"And make a great innervention, to benefit aaaaaaaall of Equestria!" She tossed the bottle backwards, and it clanked against the pile of other empty bottles. Silver Setting and what's-his-name had been back once already with a new, finer selection of drinky-drinks for them. She loved those guys, too.
"You shouldn't be this much of a lightweight, Twilight," Celestia said, shaking her head. "Not since becoming an alicorn."
"You shut up!" Twilight pounded her hoof on the table, making the chickens shake. The duck fell over. "I could drink you unner the table any day of the wee--" She hiccuped. "The w--" She hiccuped again. "Today!"
Sighing once more, Celestia finished her own bottle, tossed it behind her, and released a powerful belch. Smacking her lips, she picked up another bottle, reading the label closely.
"Wish I could burp like you," Twilight said, rolling onto her back.
All was quiet.
"What're we go--" Twilight hiccuped-- "gonna do now?"
Celestia blew a raspberry. It smelled of hops. "This is the point where we would normally play chess, but..." She cast a meaningful look at the chessboard.
"Chessbutt!" Twilight snorted and giggled. "That's funny."
She kicked her legs in the air. Her horn glowed, sputtering as she tried to lift one of the switchblades. It tumbled from her grip and impacted the edge of the chessboard, leaving a small dent.
"We should have a fight," she said.
Celestia blinked at her exactly four times. "What?"
It took a few tries, but Twilight rolled onto her stomach and stood. She was especially proud of herself for not throwing up, given how swimmy the room was.
"We usually play chess," she said slowly, as if talking to a child or possibly because everything was going in slow motion. "The board has the pieces, which is what we play the chess with. So if we gotta play somethin', that's the... The only thing we got."
With a delicate flap of her wings, she vaulted the tea table, catching a corner with her back hoof and upsetting the tea set. Celestia was able to catch most of it, though the duck went sailing into the corner, to land softly against a bookcase.
"Whoopsie!" Twilight gave a high-pitched giggle into the carpet.
"Twilight, you're drunk."
"No, you're drunk!" Twilight said, waving her rear leg in Celestia's direction. "We should fight. That's what drunk ponies do."
"Why would you want to--"
"The chess is knives!" Twilight spun gradually on her stomach until she was facing Celestia. This time, when she tried to lift the knife, her horn held it aloft, if unsteadily.
"Twilight, I'm not going to fight you with a knife." Celestia gave a strong frown.
"Why not?" Twilight grinned, lifting the knife handle to Celestia's face, making it poke her in the cheek. "Are ya chicken?"
"Twilight," Celestia said in her practiced disapproving schoolmarm voice.
"Bawk-bawk bawk-kaw!" Twilight continued poking her, grinning like an idiot. "'Fraid you'll get your rump kicked by a filly, old mare? Are ya, huh?"
With a dramatic roll of her eyes, Celestia sighed. "Fine. You are a mean drunk, Twilight Sparkle."
Twilight and Celestia stood in the middle of the room, forelegs locked at the elbow, the folded switchblades floating beside them. They stared intently into one another's eyes, Twilight licking her lips, Celestia sweating slightly.
"We fight to first blood," she said, her voice hitching ever so slightly on 'blood'. "We must remain in physical contact at all times. Slicing motions only, and aim for the shoulders and back."
"Pussy rules, Celestia." Twilight waggled her eyebrows.
Celestia grit her teeth. "I am going to kick your flank and wash your mouth out with soap, young princess!"
Twilight snorted. "Ready to get beat by the younger generation, mom?"
Celestia narrowed her eyes. "I was born ready."
She didn't have a chance to correct her statement before snikt! Both knives flipped open, and they swiped at each other with abandon.
Despite the extra height Celestia's legs afforded her over other ponies, they had very little room to maneuver while locked together, leaving them with few options for attack. Celestia found herself going on the offensive, which she had not expected; perhaps some little part of her wanted to use this opportunity for unexpected belligerence to show Twilight up after all. Twilight, for her part, blocked each blow with ease, feinting with her head but unable to get a hoof up.
They clashed again and again, neither able to overcome the other, ageless experience matching youthful fire. Twilight was grinning like a madmare, and even though Celestia was sweating like a death row inmate, she had to admit, privately, that this was the biggest thrill she'd had in a while, even counting the returns of Discord and Tirek.
"This is amazing!" Twilight huffed, laughing. "I've never felt this alive before!"
"I hope--" Celestia dodged a quick stroke, parrying it but unable to break Twilight's defense. "I pray you do not become a princess of war, as much as you're enjoying yourself."
Twilight's grin intensified. "How many ponies can say they fought Princess Celestia pono-a-pono?"
"Only a hoofful throughout history," Celestia said, breathless. "The direct approach to conflict is more my sister's domain."
There came a quick striking of blade on blade. Celestia swept high to block a powerful slash, and in doing so, deflected Twilight's knife at a narrow angle. It sliced into her cheek, drawing just a pencil line of blood, the blade so sharp she hardly felt it. Nearly simultaneously, Celestia swept her knife down at Twilight, drawing a thin line of red from her shoulder.
"Draw!" Celestia shouted, dropping her knife.
Twilight's clattered to the ground beside it, and she let out a cry more petulant than pained. Then she keeled over backwards, dragging Celestia down atop her.
They lay like that for a long moment, just catching their breaths, until Twilight started laughing.
"Is it bad, Twilight?" Celesta asked, trying to angle her neck so she could see the wound. "I am sorry, I didn't mean to--"
"Aww," Twilight whispered. "You got hurt."
She pulled Celestia's head down and pressed her lips to the wound like a mother to her foal's boo-boo. Celestia flushed; when was the last time a pony had acted in such a way towards her?
"Twilight, that's..."
Twilight's tongue flicked over the torn skin, and she began lapping at the trickle of blood.
"...Extremely disgusting. Please stop."
Celestia pushed herself upward, but was caught by a pressure between her wings. She recognized the heat of Twilight's magic. Twilight was looking up at her with pleading eyes, biting her lower lip.
"Please, Celestia," she murmured. "Can we just stay like this a few moments longer?"
Celestia's flush deepened. "Twilight, I..."
Twilight swallowed. "I think I'm drunk enough right now to say this. You've always been like a mother to me."
Celestia blinked at her. "That doesn't seem like the kind of confession that requires inebriation..."
"My mom is way hot."
"Oh." Celestia liked where this was going all of a sudden.
"Like, have you seen her?"
As a matter of fact, Celestia had tapped that, on numerous occasions, but felt this was not the moment for such a divulgement. Twilight reached up and brushed a hoof against Celestia's unmarred cheek.
"I've always thought maybe... If you and I... It wouldn't be creepy at all..."
Celestia could only blush furiously. What was it about this filly... no, this mare that left her speechless?
Twilight's eyes widened. "Uh, not to mean that I don't like you for you, of course." She gave a nervous laugh. "I just... I really love you, Celestia. In every way possible." She seemed to shrink slightly. "And I want to have you, if you'll have me."
"I..." Celestia closed her eyes. She drew in a long breath through her nose.
"I will."
Twilight's eyes face lit up. Tears formed at the corners of her eyes.
"Since we are baring our souls to each other, I shall tell you a long-held fantasy of my own." Celestia gave a small smile. "And I do not wish you to take it as a sign that I do not love you in every way a mare can love another mare, because I do. It's just..."
"Yes, Celestia?" Twilight breathed.
Celestia closed her eyes. "Can you darken your coat color?"
Twilight squirmed beneath her. "Uh, I think so?"
"Do it." Celestia shivered.
"P-Princess..."
Celestia gazed down at her former student, now her equal in so many ways, yet so submissive, so pliant. "Do it! And only speak in Old Equestrian. Only my sister gets me off more than abusing my power."
"Oh, Celestia..." Twilight gave her a sultry look, her horn sparking to life. "I hope you won't get upset if I accidentally call you 'mommy' in the throes of passion..."
Twilight was the greatest prize of all, thought Celestia. "I'm counting on it."
Their lips met in a fury of passion as Twilight's coat darkened. Their tongues entwined, and the hint of Celestia's own blood lent a sharpness to the kiss that she never would have found elsewhere. She could get used to this, she thought. When their lips at last parted, copious beer-scented strands of saliva connected their mouths, dangling and dripping everywhere. There could be no truer sign of love's destiny.
"Be gentle," Twilight, now a dark midnight blue, said when their mouths finally parted.
"Of course. And don't forget the language..."
Twilight smirked, another spell coloring her mane and setting little white dots twinkling in it. It wasn't flowing in an unseen ethereal wind, but Celestia would take what she could get.
"Thou hast played this game before."
Closing her eyes, Celestia shivered and moaned. "I have had many students in my life." She drew her muzzle over Twilight's ear. "I am not, after all, a millennium-old virgin."
"What a coincidence!" Twilight gave a high-pitched titter. "Neither am I!"
Celestia worked through the logic, then regarded her flatly.
"Okay, you just made it weird."
Entangled as they were, neither of the sweaty horse princesses noticed the duck -- while tacky enough to fit in perfectly, it had never actually been an original part of that tea set -- sprout legs and run up the bookcase into a ventilation duct. It sat at the edge for a few moments, taking in the sight of the lovers' first coupling below. Barely holding back giggles, it turned and traipsed off through the ductwork, its placid avian features changing into an elongated snout, a single fang, and mismatched red and yellow eyes.
His snickering finally overtaking his composure, Discord laughed his way through another air vent, crashing through the cover and landing on Luna's bed in his full form.
"You should have seen it, Luna!" he guffawed.
"Are they at last doing the deed?" asked Luna, face aglow.
"You'd better believe they are." Discord wiped his eyes. "Bucking like funnies!" He blew out a long breath. "And I don't mean 'bucking' like 'fucking' but pony, it's a Spoonerism."
"Huzzah!" cried Luna, bouncing on her bed, clapping. "Our plan worked!"
Discord produced a bottle of champagne, popping it and sending the cork around the room via a ridiculous number of ricochets to ultimately shoot Luna's pet possum in the rump. Tiberius, hurt more in pride than posterior, slunk off to the bathroom, grumbling.
"Here's to stealing all the not-beer in Canterlot Castle!"
Luna cheered. "To covert plumbing sabotage!"
"To the success of Operation Cellulite!"
Luna rolled her eyes. "I never did like that name. But nevermind, you must tell me all the sordid details!"
Discord did so. When he got to the knife fight, Luna stopped him.
"Wait, knives? We were supposed to have replaced the chess pieces with 'chick flicks'!" She made the air quotes with her hooves.
Discord waved his hand in the air. "Pish-tosh. Your movie idea was boring, so I decided to spice it up a bit."
Luna was agog. "But weaponry? What were you thinking?"
"You should have seen it!" Discord wrapped his arm around her shoulders, motioning off into space with his other hand. "Two super-powerful princesses locked in mortal combat! A gladiatorial spectacle for the ages! It was glorious!"
Luna frowned.
"And besides," Discord said, manifesting a baker's dozen cans of baked beans around the room, "it worked! And nopony got hurt, if that's what you're worried about. The ends justify the beans!"
Luna sighed, frown still firmly in place. "If you say so..."
"And then when they started with the lovey-dovey talk, hoo boy!" Discord slapped his knee, which kicked upward so sharply his toe claws hooked into his antler. "'Can I call you mommy?' 'Only if you turn into my sister! I like dominating my students almost as much!' It was a riot, I tell you! A. Riot."
"What?" Luna took a swipe at his claw, which he avoided. "You said you were telling the truth. That is wholly out of character for the two of them! We did not arrange to get my sister and her student to admit the feelings everyone else could see only to have them act out their disgusting fetishes!"
Discord only shrugged. "What sort of espionage agent would I be if I didn't deliver the truth, not to mention all the juicy details?" He waved his hand. "Just don't think about it if it bothers you. Works wonders for me!"
Luna lay down. She tried not to think about it. She thought about it a lot. "I am going to be sick. Make way for Mommy, Tibbles!" She rushed into the bathroom.
"Having regrets, are we?" Discord clucked his tongue and shook his head. "That's just what you get when you try and force ponies to love each other."
Author's Note
This story is entirely iisaw's fault, yet I still blame Pav. Of course, I'm in the weird position of also having to thank him for some excellent feedback, so there's that. :B I don't think there's anything else I can say about this other than the original title was "Beer and a Knife Fight". I think I made the right decision there, for all that anything related to this can be considered a right decision.
