Sir Spike-a-Lot

by Plot Hole

Rating: everyone
Tags: Spike, Comedy, Cutie Mark Crusaders, Slice of Life, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic
Length: 1163

In a little game with the CMC, Ser Spike Dragon dons his helm and wields his sword to invade Castle-Cutie, where the terrifying dragon, Scootaloo, holds the fair Sweetie Belle captive.

Spike's honor is his life, and he intends to prove it as he embarks on an epic journey to Castle-CMC-Clubhouse to rescue the fair Sweetie of Belle.

Published 2016-05-30 03:50:01 UTC
Last updated 2016-05-30 03:50:01 UTC

Ser Spike of Ponyville

Spike plastered the last sheet of paper onto the outside of the CMC clubhouse. He’d got some of the paste on his claws, but he was still doing better than Apple Bloom, Sweetie Belle and Scootaloo, who were covered with the stuff.

They’d spent all afternoon drawing gray bricks onto the paper, filling the shapes with crayon, as best as crayon-colors can fill any shape. They imagined the clubhouse would end up with perfectly spaced-out wallpaper on the outside, looking like castle mortar with even colors.

What they ended up with was a mural of crooked, spaced out paper sheets, peeling in the humidity, with ‘bricks’ showing mostly white with waxy gray streaks.

“Whatever,” said Scootaloo, peeling off a piece of paper stuck in her hair. “I’m getting bored, let’s just get on with it.”

Spike picked up the cardboard paper-towel tube sword and shield, giving the sword an experimental slash through the air.

“Who said you get to be the knight?” said Scootaloo. “The only boy here gets to be the knight? That’s so sexist. You should be the dragon.”

“The only dragon in the group has to be the dragon?” said Spike. “That’s so speciist.”

“We’ll take turns, I wanna be the knight too,” said Apple Bloom.

All three of them looked at Sweetie Belle, who already had her sloppy, home-made princess outfit on. “Did you say something?” she asked.

The others shrug.

The three aspiring knights drew straws for who got to take up the sword first. Spike got the short straw.

“That’s not fair, it’s probably easier when you’ve got fingers,” said Scootaloo.

“These are claws,” said Spike.

“Alright, alright, be a good sport. I know you’ll like being the dragon,” said Apple Bloom.

Spike gave an awkward wince. “I was thinking hydra,” he said. “It’s kind of weird, don’t you think? Asking me to kill one of my own kind?”

“I’m a dragon!” said Scootaloo.

“Just pretend she’s Garble or something,” said Apple Bloom.

Getting into character, Scootaloo hugged Spike, per his last order.

“Alright,” said Apple Bloom. “Places.”

Sir Spike-a-Lot, knight of Equestria, skulked through the terrifying forest of the Apple Family’s apple orchid. He Spun around, brandishing his blade at a noise in the trees. A fruit bat fluttered away.

With grim determination, he marched through the orchid. As the foliage cleared, he saw a hunched-over figure in brown robes.

Apple Bloom looked up at him from under her hood, her hair gray from flour, and she held her lips down over her teeth to look like she didn’t have any. When she spoke, she creeked her voice like an elderly crone.

“My fortune telling can tell ye the path before you, warrior. But only if ye answer my riddle,” said Apple Bloom.

Deepening his voice, Spike said, “Speak your riddle.”

Apple Bloom thought about it for several long seconds. “What brightens the dreary lands, shines brighter than any diamond and is hotter than any fire?”

“Rarity?”

“The sun, you dork!”

“Ok, that.”

“Alright, alright,” said Apple Bloom. “I shall consult the bones!” She dropped a set of dominos on the ground. Her eyes went wide and she recoiled in mock horror. “I have seeeeeeen,” she gasped, “your death!”

“No way, good guys always win,” said Spike.

“Death and misfortune await thee, but if ye would continue your quest, go thee in the way of that trail by the barn. And if ye see a ribbon, I dropped it, and shall surely give thee a potion if ye find it as it was my favorite ribbon.”

Spike bid the crone adieu and made his way to the secret path. Apple Bloom followed behind, hiding in the bushes and making spooky noises.

The castle leered beyond him with the fierce dragon Scootaloo, dressed in Sweetie Belle’s construction paper costume, perched on the stepping-boards. Upon seeing Spike, she stretched her wings and hooves to the sky and roared.

“I, Scootaloo, am the eater of worlds! Long have I soared the skies with my massive, magnificent wings and caused ponies to flee in terror! Roar!” She hopped to the ground as Spike took cover from her imaginary fire breath.

“My honor is my life, fierce Scoots! I have pledged my life to the rescue of fair Sweetie of Belle!”
Sweetie Belle looked out the window and waved a handkerchief at them.

Scootaloo exhaled deeply. “That was fire breath. Woods are burning now,” she said.

Spike ran out into the open, batting out the imaginary flames.

“Aid me, minion!” Sootaloo shouted.

Apple Bloom dashed out of the brush, wearing a new costume with paper mane, fake wings and a cardboard scorpion-tail. Her hoof-claws racked Spike’s breast plate and knocked him over.

Apple Bloom stretched open her massive predator jaws and tried to clamp her teeth down on Spike’s head. Spike held her off with the edge of his sword and slashed. Apple Bloom screeched and fell away, waving her hoofs in the air to mimic a blood-fountain, then closed her eyes and let her tongue hang out as she played dead.

“Vengeance!” yelled Scootaloo.

Spike lowered his imaginary visor that he didn’t have time to make and the two titans charged each other. Scootaloo’s fury shook Sweet Apple Acres, but Celestia blessings were with Spike and he held the dragon off. With a twirl of his sword, he stabbed at Scootaloo.

“Aha!” said Spike.

“Fool! No blade forged by mortal hooves can pierce my scaley hide!”

“Yeah it can, because I kept it in a sun temple all night.”

“Sun temples don’t really do anything, Celestia said so,” said Scootaloo.

The dragon reared back for another fire attack and Spike slashed his sword against her neck. Scootaloo coughed. “That hurt!”

“You’re dead,” said Spike.

“Dragons are immortal!”

“I wish,” said Spike.

Apple Bloom looked up just long enough to say, “Good guys win, Scootaloo. Just play along, I’ll let you kill me when it’s my turn to play the dragon.”

Scootaloo rolled her eyes. “Fine, but I could take you in a minute.” She fell back and held up a flower, grabbed from out of nowhere.

Spike ascended the walkways and met Sweetie Belle half way.

“Spike, you’re so valiant!” she squeaked.

“Ok, now you gotta kiss!” Apple Bloom called up.

Spike fell off the walkway and thudded in the dirt.

“But we’re not even married!” Sweetie Bell yelled, turning red.

“That’s the rules, don’t you watch the end of those movies?” Scootaloo asked.

“No, Rarity covers my eyes for that part!” Sweetie Belle said.

“It’s been that way since that plumber saved that princess in that game that Button Mash always plays,” said Apple Bloom.

“Oh, all right.” Sweetie Belle hopped down and Spike backed away a few steps, showing a deep-rooted fear in his eye.

“Calm down, I played that game too,” said Sweetie Belle. She leaned in and gave Spike a small peck on the cheek. “My hero,” she said.

End