Canned Heat

by Samey90

Rating: mature
Tags: Random, Twilight Sparkle, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Fetish, Spike, Rainbow Dash, Comedy, Starlight Glimmer, Moondancer, Sex
Length: 7268

Twilight, Starlight Glimmer, and Moondancer spend a night experimenting in the basement. This is only the beginning of their problems.

Twilight, Starlight Glimmer, and Moondancer spend a night experimenting in the basement. This is only the beginning of their problems. What seemed like a good idea, soon causes the whole town to be utterly screwed. Literally.

Preread by Bootsy Slickmane
🇺🇦Russian translation🇺🇦 by FoxcubRandy

Published 2016-05-30 19:20:01 UTC
Last updated 2016-05-30 19:20:01 UTC

I had no choice but to get down down down down.

Twilight leaned over the table filled with glassware and mysterious lab equipment, more suitable in a laboratory of some mad scientist than in a proper basement of a proper castle belonging to a proper princess. Even if said basement was mostly dark, the only source of light being some weird, diseased-looking crystals glowing green. None of Twilight’s friends liked that place, but she didn’t mind.

A smirk adorned Twilight’s face. There was nothing better than a night of experimenting with Starlight and Moondancer – her sisters in all things scientific.

Well, at least one of them. Although Starlight was at first pretty excited when they showed her the Haycartes’ method, she later sat in one of the less flea-infested armchairs and was only observing the other too, more and more disappointed.

“Girls?” Starlight eventually said. “When you mentioned experiments in the basement, I thought you mean, umm… experiments.”

“And what do you think we’re doing?” Moondancer levitated an erlenmeyer flask. “Still wonder how she fit her head in there?”

“Who?” Starlight asked.

“Long story,” Twilight replied, grabbing a beaker full of some bluish, foul-smelling liquid. “You’d better not inhale that. Who knows what the effects can be…”

“Is it poisonous?” Starlight asked, immediately jumping to her hooves. The thought of all the possibilities that’d open to her was too overwhelming. For starters, she’d…

Starlight knocked herself in the forehead, remembering that she was supposed to be good now. Still, it didn’t hurt to be prepared for anything. Including a small takeover of the world, if only for one weekend.

“You’d better learn some more Haycartes,” Moondancer muttered. “This spell needs constant practice.”

“Don’t worry, I’m pretty good at it already,” Starlight said, shrugging. “Give me four years to teach the foals and the seed I have sown will never be uprooted. I literally became this quote.”

The liquid in the beaker turned pink, orange vapour coming from it. Twilight’s smile grew wider as she grabbed a tube and attached it to the beaker, collecting the orange substance that quickly turned into a liquid as it cooled down.

“Perfect,” Twilight muttered.

“If your aim was to create some hideous colours, then I can agree it’s perfect,” Starlight muttered, her eyes focused on one of the books she’d grabbed from the shelf. “Hey, Twilight, I didn’t know you were into practical applications of necromancy.”

“I didn’t even know I had such a book.” Twilight turned away from the table. “The castle probably assumed I’d need it one day. That may be a subject of our next experiment.”

“I’ll get a shovel,” Moondancer said. “Does the book say that the body has to be fresh? We may have to keep track of obituaries…”

Starlight shuddered and put the book down. “And you thought I was evil. At least when someone died in my town, they stayed that way. Except those few guys who turned into white walkers, but we fought them off.”

“I thought you were more tolerant,” Twilight said.

“White walkers are hard to convert to equality.” Starlight trembled at the memory.

“Twilight!” Moondancer exclaimed, staring at the table.

Twilight turned back to the table and put out the fire with her magic. Then she levitated the mostly unharmed beaker, now full of some glowing, pink mist.

“Perfect.” Moondancer smiled. “It seems that we made it.”

“Made what?” Starlight asked.

Twilight chuckled. “It’s an old recipe, nearly forgotten. But as you can see, it apparently works.”

“Which is surprising, given the amount of mercury its author inhaled in his life,” Moondancer said. “The guy started seeing breezies the size of elephants when he was old.”

“That explains many things,” Starlight deadpanned. “But what exactly does this thing do?”

“Thanks to this, our heats will never be annoying anymore!” Twilight exclaimed, levitating the flask so Starlight could see it better.

“What?” Starlight groaned and hid her face in her hooves. “All that experimenting and weird stuff and you made a painkiller?” She looked at the flask. “Do you drink it, or stick it up your–”

“None of these things,” Twilight replied. “This doesn’t stop your heat. It is your heat.”

“What?” Starlight raised her eyebrows. “How is that even possible?”

“We extracted it,” Twilight replied. “More exactly, it’s mine… Was due to start soon, but now it’s here.”

“Yes, but how do you do that, umm... technically?” Starlight asked. “It doesn’t require you to, umm…”

“Well…” Twilight opened a small box under the table and levitated a long, dark crystal out of it. “First you have to put it, umm… you get the idea where. I see it in your eyes. For about an hour. When you get it out, it’s pretty unstable, so you have to perform a series of reactions to make it safer.” She pointed at the flask full of pink mist.

“That’s…” Starlight looked at the crystal as if it was praying mantis porn – with a mix of disgust and curiosity. “Actually, I consider trying that… Out of scientific curiosity. If it’s possible with cutie marks, why not heat?”

“You’ll have to wait.” With a wet plop, Moondancer levitated something from under her sweater. It was a similar crystal as the one Twilight showed Starlight, but this one was wet and glowing slightly. “I’m next.”

It was already morning when they got out of the basement, carrying three a flask and two cans they had to use when Starlight broke their last flask. The containers were warm and seemed to vibrate slightly; when Starlight grabbed hers in her hooves, she had a feeling that it started to vibrate stronger.

“So, what are we gonna do with it?” Moondancer asked. “I guess we can carry further research. What happens when you absorb someone else’s heat? What are its physical properties? Is it soluble in water?”

“I’d rather not have you absorb my heat,” Starlight muttered. “It’s a private matter.”

“Privacy doesn’t matter when you have science to do!” Moondancer threw her head back and chuckled.

Twilight shook her head. “Starlight’s right. Experimenting on it may be dangerous. We’d better hide it in some safe place. Moondancer, you read about the, umm… side effects, right?”

“Drivel of someone with bit-sized holes in their frontal lobe,” Moondancer muttered. “Think of the possibilities.”

They walked into the throne room. Twilight put the containers on the table and prodded her bottle, looking at the substance inside moving around lazily.

“Well, a propos bits.” Starlight scratched her mane. “Imagine what’d happen if it became a thing. Ponies would pay us to get rid of their heats. Not to mention all those ponies who want to get pregnant and don’t want to wait. We can just sell them someone else’s heat and it’s done.”

“We can’t do that!” Twilight exclaimed. “It’s unethical.”

“And necromancy is?” Starlight rolled her eyes and sat on Fluttershy’s throne.

“We need to put it in some safe place.” Twilight levitated the containers and placed them on the top of a shelf standing by the wall. “In a week, the heats will fade and disappear anyway.”

“Too bad,” Starlight muttered. “But wait… Does it mean I won’t get pregnant? Like, ever?”

“No,” Twilight replied. “Next year we’ll have to do that again. Unless, of course, you want to have a baby.”

“I want to have twins one day,” Moondancer said. “So I can put one in a giant hamster ball. The other would be a control group.”

“That’s awful!” Twilight exclaimed. “A control group consisting of only one specimen!”

“I’ll think of quadruplets, then,” Moondancer muttered.

“I have no words.” Starlight smacked her head against the table. “Is it some kind of a post-heat blues, or you two just worry me that much?”

“Don’t worry, after a while you get used to that.” Starlight heard Spike’s voice next to her.

“Hello, Spike,” she said in an emotionless tone.

“I was just wondering what you three were doing in the basement all night.” Spike looked at Twilight and Moondancer. “I’m guessing you were experimenting… Also, Moondancer, Cheerilee told me that if she ever notices a foal disappearing from her class, she’ll have a word with you.”

“Me?” Moondancer asked. “I did nothing wrong.”

“Yeah.” Spike walked towards the shelf. “I have a feeling that I’ve heard that before.”

Suddenly, Starlight heard a noise in the background. It was like an air siren, growing louder and louder.

“I’ve heard that before too…” Spike looked at the window and started to run away from the shelf.

Starlight raised her head just before something heavy rammed into the window, breaking it. Crystal splinters fell on the floor in slow motion; Starlight stood up, watching Rainbow Dash slowly falling towards the shelf. The sound of breaking wood came to her as if from a great distance.

“Aww, shit…” Rainbow Dash muttered. She opened her eyes and found herself lying by the wall, covered in remains of the window, shelf, and something pink. She looked around and saw a baby dragon lying under her. “You okay, Spike?”

“More or less,” Spike whispered, getting out from under Rainbow Dash. “You interrupted a really awkward situation.”

“That’s my duty.” Rainbow Dash raised her hoof and saw that a mangled can stuck to it. “What the hay is that?” She sniffed it. “Smells like Twilight’s dirty–”

“Well, you’re about to find out…” Twilight approached Rainbow Dash slowly, licking her lips. Starlight and Moondancer followed her, hiding in her shadow and, without a rush, cutting off all the escape routes.

“What’s going on?” Rainbow Dash asked. “Twilight? Spike?”

“Don’t ask me,” Spike replied, trying to hide behind Rainbow Dash. “I’d rather not have anything to do with that.”

“Don’t worry, Dashie, it won’t hurt.” Moondancer smirked in a way Rainbow Dash didn’t know was possible. “Exactly the opposite…”

“I think I’m gonna leave,” Spike muttered, sneaking closer to the wall.

“Wait!” Rainbow Dash exclaimed. “Dirty coward! Don’t you see we’re in deep shit together!”

“Well, they seem mostly after you…” Spike replied, accidentally bumping into Starlight. “Sorry, Starlight, but I have to–”

“You don’t have to do anything, sweetheart…” Starlight smirked. “Just lie down and I’ll do the rest…”

“Well, now we’re both in deep shit.” Rainbow Dash dodged Moondancer and backpedalled from Twilight. “Any ideas now, sweetheart?”

“A few,” Spike replied, suddenly finding himself cornered by Starlight, Moondancer, and Twilight. “For starters, we may try diplomacy.” Seeing the look Rainbow gave him, he cleared his throat. “It won’t work. The affliction is clearly magical, because I don’t see why our friends would want to have sex with us…”

“Speak for yourself,” Rainbow Dash muttered, moving to avoid Twilight’s kiss. “Also, if it’s magic, then we can’t do anything about that. We’re not eggheads.”

“What do you propose?”

“Brute force.” Rainbow Dash dodged Twilight and punched Moondancer in the jaw, knocking her glasses off. Moondancer backpedalled, slipped on the floor and fell.

“Run!” Rainbow Dash exclaimed, grabbing Spike and taking off. She flew across the room, barely stopping in time for Starlight’s magic to miss her and obliterate the chandelier. She looked behind, only to see Twilight flying to her.

“Watch out!” Spike exclaimed. Rainbow Dash dived, watching Twilight fly further and smack into the wall.

“Enough of this!” Rainbow Dash darted forward, crashing into another window and piercing through it, nearly losing Spike on the way. “Go fuck yourselves, eggheads!” she exclaimed, just before accelerating and disappearing.

Twilight groaned, getting up on her hooves and rubbing her temples. “Damn. She ran away. What are we going to do now?”

“Do what she said,” Starlight replied. Her voice was strangely muffled. When Twilight walked to her, she saw unconscious Moondancer lying on the floor with her legs spread and Starlight’s face buried in her crotch. Twilight smirked and licked her lips, seeing this.

“Indeed,” she muttered, her hoof wandering between her hind legs. “We’ll do just that…”

“You didn’t have to punch Moondancer,” Spike muttered, turning back to look at Twilight’s castle. He immediately regretted it – a strong gust of wind nearly blew him off of Rainbow’s back.

“I wanted to do that since she said that my wings would make a good anatomy specimen,” Rainbow Dash replied.

Spike smacked his hand against his face. “That was a compliment,” he said. “Learn to recognise them.”

“Shut up, or I’ll Sonic Rainboom you into the next Friday,” Rainbow Dash muttered. “You really wanted to leave me to them?”

“Well, I thought you and Twilight always wanted…”

“No, we didn’t!” Rainbow Dash exclaimed, blushing furiously. “Just because I prefer mares doesn’t mean I want to do every single of them! Well, most of them, but Twilight is not on this particular list!”

“I’m sorry then.” Spike looked at the ground moving quickly below them. “What do you think happened to them?”

Before Rainbow Dash could reply, somepony rammed into them. For a second time on that day, she found herself falling. At least the dusty road was slightly softer than floor in Twilight’s castle. Still, the fall knocked the wind out of her and when she regained consciousness, she felt that someone was pinning her to the ground.

“You smell nice…” Cloudchaser purred, her warm breath blowing on Rainbow Dash’s face. “You know what, Dashie? I always wanted to blow you so hard you’d suck dust into your ass…”

“W-what?” Rainbow Dash asked.

“Hey, sis, look what I found!” Flitter exclaimed, cuddling Spike, who was making desperate attempts to free himself. “I’m gonna take it to my bed, give it my special hugs and call it George!”

“I’d prefer hugs too…” Rainbow Dash muttered.

“I’d prefer nothing!” Spike shouted, seeing that Flitter’s cuddling got more intense and focused on parts of his body that weren’t used to being cuddled.

“Well, I can hug you later…” Cloudchaser licked her lips, her wide eyes staring directly at Rainbow Dash. “But now, you’re mine, my pretty…”

Rainbow Dash thrashed, but she knew that she had no chance against Cloudchaser, as far as strength was concerned. She had to come up with something clever…

“Hey, Cloudchaser!” Rainbow Dash exclaimed. “Behind you!”

Incredible as it may seem, the trick worked. “What?” Cloudchaser exclaimed, looking back.

“CUNT PUNT!” Rainbow Dash shouted, jamming her leg in Cloudchaser’s crotch. The mare screamed and rolled off of her, clutching to her stomach and trying to catch a breath. Rainbow Dash got back on her hooves, ran to Flitter and grabbed Spike from her.

“I believe George belongs to me,” Rainbow Dash muttered before taking off.

“She took my dragon,” Flitter muttered. “You seen that, sis? She took it!”

“Aaargh…” Cloudchaser groaned.

Flitter rested her head on her hoof. “Why did she do that?”

“Ooouugh…”

“Should I kiss you where it hurts?”

Cloudchaser raised her head slightly. “Mhm.”

“What happened to them?” Spike yelled, looking back at Flitter and Cloudchaser. “Didn’t they hear that some things just don’t work out? Like interspecies romance.”

“Don’t ask me, they were always like that,” Rainbow Dash replied. “Mares, stallions, stray dogs... “ She shuddered, nearly sending Spike plummeting down to the ground. “Though now it got me thinking…”

“And how is it?” Spike asked. “A completely new experience, huh?”

“Remember that I can still shake you off,” Rainbow Dash muttered. “Something she said… ‘you smell nice’, that was it. What could she mean?”

Spike shrugged. “Probably that you smell nice.” He sniffed himself. “To think about it, we do smell weird. Didn’t you break something magical when you hit the castle?”

“Nothing really magical, just some old cans.” Rainbow Dash lifted her hoof and sniffed it. “Hey, I do smell nice. Like Twilight’s–”

“Watch out!” Spike exclaimed. Rainbow Dash automatically made a barrel-roll, dodging Thunderlane and losing her dragon companion.

“Rumble, attack from the other side!” Thunderlane exclaimed, turning back and darting forward to tackle Rainbow Dash. She looked around and saw Rumble approaching her too. She smirked and folded her wings, dropping immediately.

The sound of two brothers colliding with each other was like a music to her ears. Especially since it was followed by a loud, “Aargh, my ass! Not cool, bro!”. Rainbow Dash chuckled, but it quickly died down as she looked below and saw Spike approaching the ground much faster than he’d like.

“Damn.” Rainbow Dash dived, trying to catch Spike in a hopeless race against gravity. “Don’t worry, Spike, I got it!” she exclaimed.

A sonic rainboom hit the town, breaking all the windows and blowing off the weaker roofs, as well as everything directly below her that wasn’t attached to the ground. Rainbow Dash caught Spike just above the ground and pulled up, watching carts and market stalls getting thrown around.

Suddenly, Rainbow Dash noticed a house approaching her. She tried to dodge it, but given that she was moving with the speed of sound at the almost ground level, there could be only one result.

After being caught just before hitting the ground and plowing through walls of three houses to eventually stop in the fourth one, Spike asked himself only one question.

“How am I still alive?”

“Dude, I wish I wasn’t…” Rainbow Dash muttered. “My head… This can’t get any worse.”

“Hey, Bonnie, look! Rainbow Dash made a big hole in our wall!”

“Really, Lyra? That’s an amazing coincidence, because I just wanted to make a big hole in her ass!”

“You had to say that, didn’t you?” Spike muttered. “Also, what is wrong with ponies suddenly wanting to plow your anus?”

“I guess my anus is just that awesome,” Rainbow Dash replied, grabbing Bon Bon and throwing her at Lyra. “Too awesome for mud ponies!”

“How did you call my bestie?!” Lyra exclaimed, firing a spell at Rainbow Dash. It singed her wing and penetrated the sofa behind her. Rainbow Dash shuddered, imagining herself in the poor piece of furniture’s place. Usually she was all in for penetration, but this was just sick.

“Spike, we’re getting out,” she muttered, when another spell missed her head by a few inches and changed the chandelier into a sex toy, the purpose of which Rainbow Dash feared to imagine.

“About time,” Spike said, hiding behind a coffee table lying on the floor. “This party is getting out of control.” He pointed at a large group of ponies trotting to the from the houses Rainbow had busted through.

Rainbow Dash only nodded, grabbed Spike’s tail with her mouth and took off, ramming through the ceiling of Lyra and Bon Bon’s house, despite the dragon’s vocal protests.

“Tho, what ah we gonna do now?” Rainbow Dash asked, trying not to accidentally spit Spike’s tail out.

“We need to get rid of that pink stuff,” Spike replied. “It seems to attract them… And, for the love of the seven gods of hay, put me on your back or something!”

“Thure.” Rainbow Dash grabbed Spike with her hooves and put him on her back. “Get rid of the pink stuff… Where to go…” She scanned the town below her for a while, before her eyes finally rested on the spa. “Idea!”

“No shit…” Spike muttered, before Rainbow Dash’s sudden acceleration silenced him. He clutched to her fur with one hand while trying to cover his head with another. It didn’t help him much when Rainbow Dash smashed into the roof of the spa, piercing it and falling into the swimming pool below, splashing water around.

Spike choked, swimming to the surface. He spit out the water and looked around to see Rainbow Dash sitting in the swimming pool in the middle of an island made of pieces of wood and roof tiles and smiling. Spike rolled his eyes. “Just how many times did you hit yourself in the head? Didn’t you hear of such things as doors?”

“I got used to that.” Rainbow Dash smiled sheepishly. “After first three walls you just can’t stop yourself.”

“I guess we can confirm that your head only serves one purpose,” Spike muttered. “When it rains, the water doesn’t get inside of you.”

“What do you mean?” Rainbow Dash asked. However, she never got the answer, as one of the surviving doors opened and Lotus Blossom walked in, eyeing the disaster in front of her. Rainbow Dash and Spike looked at each other unsurely, ready to run away.

Lotus’ eyes narrowed. “Jävla helvete…” she whispered under her breath. “Vhat zhe fuck did you tvo do?”

“We… We can explain,” Spike said quickly. Before he was able to add something more, Lotus jumped into the water, swimming like a piranha, and grabbed him, lifting him to her eye level.

“Vell, you vill explain zat to my sister,” she said. “Vait, aren’t you Tvilight Sparkle’s dragon? I’m pretty sure she’ll pay for damages… Aloe! Bulk!”

“Yeah?” Bulk Biceps smashed the door in two and walked into the swimming pool. Lotus looked at him and facehoofed, shaking her head.

“What happened here?” Aloe Blossom entered the room and looked around. Unlike her sister, she had almost no trace of an accent.

“Don’t vorry, I’m on it.” Lotus poked Spike. “Zhey already agreed to pay for zhat.”

“I didn’t agree to anything!” Rainbow Dash exclaimed.

“Bulk?” Aloe said. Bulk Biceps grabbed a large, thick wooden pillar and broke it in two.

“Okay, I’ll pay,” Rainbow Dash muttered. “But that’s violence.”

“Look on the bright side,” Spike muttered. “At least they’re not trying to fuck us literally.”

“Well, I wonder what exactly caused you to burst through the roof?” Aloe asked. “You’d better have some really good explanation, or you’ll learn why Lotus had to run away from–”

Lotus cleared her throat and glared at her sister. “Ve don’t talk about zhis.”

“Yeah…” Rainbow Dash smiled sheepishly. “So… You’d better get rid of that water. It does weird things to ponies…”

“Yeah, and you probably left some of that pink stuff on Moondancer when you punched her,” Spike said. “And on Cloudchaser when you… you know.”

“Damn,” Rainbow Dash muttered. “Do any of you have an idea where to get a fire pump?”

“Yeah!” Bulk exclaimed. “The fire station, of course!”

Rainbow Dash sighed. “Okay then. Who goes to steal a fire pump with me?”

It took a while before Rainbow Dash, along with Spike and Bulk Biceps managed to get a carriage with a fire pump installed on it from the garage and take it for a ride around town. In a true pegasus fashion, they made a big, pump-shaped hole in the gate and rushed down the street.

“Yeah!” Bulk aimed the hose at the nearest group of ponies spitroasting each other. One quick shot of water and they changed into a group of wet ponies staring awkwardly at one another.

“Try not to breathe too much!” Rainbow Dash exclaimed. “Who knows, maybe it’s poisonous or something.”

“What, syphilis?” Spike asked. “It’s not airborne.”

“Yeah, and I’m clear!” Carrot Top exclaimed, trying not to look at two stallions sitting next to her. “You can’t get anything from carrots.” She looked around and noticed that two stallions disappeared.

“Fire!” Rainbow Dash exclaimed, pointing at another pair of ponies humping each other in a half-ruined house.

“I only have water,” Bulk muttered, lining up the shot.

“Bonnie, is it me, or do we have a hole in the wall?” Lyra asked after a stream of water washed her off her roommate’s privates.

“Shit!” Bon Bon exclaimed. “No one can know that we have sex!”

“Umm… Didn’t they already know?” Lyra asked.

Bon Bon sat on the couch, staring blankly at the hole in the wall. “We have to move out…” she muttered.

Meanwhile, Rainbow Dash, Bulk Biceps, and Spike kept rushing across the town, leaving watery mayhem and confused ponies in their wake. Moans and screams mixed with curses thrown at them by those they saved from a certain death by overexertion.

“Watch out! Friggin’ fireponies!”

“Hey! What are we doing? Is it an ironing board?”

“Mom, what’s going on?”

“Do continue, son.”

“Hit!” Rainbow Dash exclaimed, spinning above the pump. “Wasn’t that awesome, Spike?”

“Find something to wash my brain from what I’ve witnessed,” Spike muttered. “I didn’t know some of those things were possible.” He shuddered. “Ponies are gross!”

Rainbow Dash shrugged, sitting on the top of the pump and pointing at the bowling alley. If she recalled correctly, there was some kind of party there and, judging from a few pairs having sex in front of the building, one of the infected ponies had ended up there.

“This boogie is for real,” Spike muttered when the fire pump crashed the door. Bulk started pouring torrents of water at the patrons, who ran, trying to hide behind the speakers.

“Stop!” Rainbow Dash exclaimed, noticing that the crowd in the dancefloor wasn’t doing anything out of ordinary – the pairs they’d seen before were probably a normal side effect of the party.

“Hello, Vinyl.” Bulk smiling sheepishly at the DJ standing behind her turntables, her mane lying flat against her head. She gave him a nasty glare and raised her hooves in a gesture known as Neightalian salute.

“Hey, those three are spitroasting!” Spike exclaimed, pointing at the ponies on the other side of the street. Bulk immediately turned with the hose and fired a short burst of water at them.

“What the fuck, dude?” a bat pony asked, staring at the place where a bonfire used to be. “Do you think it’s funny or what?”

“The locals don’t get the idea of a barbecue,” another bat pony muttered, grabbing the stick with a piece of wet meat on it. “At least the rat is fine.”

“That’s discrimination.” A female griffon furrowed her eyebrows. “Those damn vegans hate us for our love for meat while fornicating in the streets!”

“We’re sorry!” Rainbow Dash exclaimed. “Also, not vegans. I do enjoy eggs, for example.”

“Go die in Tartarus!”

Rainbow Dash sighed and helped Bulk get the fire pump out of the bowling alley. They were getting closer to the castle and most of the ponies were already cured. They noticed only three on their way: a grey old pony with a pipe as his cutie mark and Flitter and Cloudchaser.

“Don’t shoot at me!” the old pony exclaimed, still staring at the twins licking each other tenderly. “I can only watch anyway. My pipe doesn’t burn as strong as it used to.”

“Oh…” Rainbow Dash stopped in mid-air. “Okay, Bulk, don’t shoot the grandpa.”

“We’re sorry, Mr. Waddle,” Bulk muttered and aimed the hose at Flitter and Cloudchaser. The water hit them, drenching their furs and manes, but it didn’t seem like they noticed.

“Should I do that again?” Bulk asked, dumbfounded.

Mr. Waddle smirked, . “If you can…”

“No!” Spike exclaimed. “It seems that they don’t need that pink stuff to, umm… enjoy themselves. And they may get cold.”

“Yeah,” Rainbow Dash said, pointing at Mr. Waddle. “And he may get a heart attack if we get their manes wetter.”

Bulk nodded and they left Mr. Waddle admiring the beauty that was Flitter and Cloudchaser.

“Okay, just one more place,” Rainbow Dash muttered, pointing at Twilight’s castle. “Let’s see what our nerds are doing.”

When they pushed the door open, they saw that the inside of the castle was dark. It was, however, far from being silent. Rainbow Dash could hear moaning coming from the throne room, punctuated with some wet sounds.

“I’m not sure if I want to know what’s going on there,” Spike muttered. “Maybe we’ll send someone to check that?”

“Welcome in another episode of ‘What Else We Can Put in Moondancer’s Anus’!” Starlight Glimmer’s voice echoed through the castle. “Last time, we managed to fit two cans of soup there. Now, we’ll try with a chair!”

“Okay, I guess we don’t need to,” Spike said. “We’d better go there quickly!”

“How did they do it?” Rainbow Dash asked. “Did they put the cans inside, or did they pour the soup in her ass?”

“I’m not sure what’d be worse.” Spike shuddered. “Let’s go!”

As soon as they reached the throne room, it turned out that reality was far worse than Rainbow Dash’s wildest expectations. Judging from the state of the floor, table, walls, and a piece of ceiling, they poured the soup first and put the empty cans inside later. And it seemed that the chair was fine too. Or at least its leg.

“Holy shit…” Rainbow Dash muttered, her wings shooting open.

“Deeper!” Moondancer exclaimed, before burying her face back in Twilight’s crotch.

Spike looked at Bulk Biceps. “Give me the hose. Now.” He grabbed the hose and aimed it at the three ponies. A stream of water blew them off the table, also cleaning the soup from the surface.

“Aargh!” Twilight exclaimed. “What’s going on here?”

“My ass!” Moondancer cried, rolling on the ground. “My ass hurts!”

“Hey, you liked it,” Starlight said. “Be a big girl and let me at least get the chair out.”

“No!” Tears flowed from Moondancer’s eyes. “It hurts!”

“Yes, but you can’t just wander around with a chair in your butt.” Starlight sighed and pulled the chair out with her magic, despite Moondancer’s screaming. “There. You’ll thank me later.”

“What happened to us?” Twilight asked.

“Well, that pink stuff kinda ended up on me and you were trying to rape me,” Rainbow Dash replied. “Then it started to attract other ponies…”

“Our heats.” Twilight’s face went pale. “How much damage did they do?”

“Nothing more than Moondancer’s butt,” Rainbow Dash replied. “One or two streets went to fuck themselves, a few ruined houses, and we have to pay for the spa’s roof. Nothing really bad.”

“For certain values of ‘bad’,” Spike muttered. “So, those were your heats? How did you, umm… Get them out? And why they didn’t work on me?”

“Long story,” Twilight replied. “And we’re not gonna do that experiment again. About your second question, I guess pony heats don’t work on dragons.”

“Wait, how about me?” Rainbow Dash asked.

“I guess you’re just a huge lesbo,” Moondancer muttered.

“At least I didn’t get a soup enema.” Rainbow Dash winced. “I won’t be able to eat tomato soup anymore…”

“Me neither.” Twilight looked at the walls. “We’d better clean that up.”

“Yeah, you’d better do,” Bulk muttered and took off. “I have to go back to the spa.” He flew out of the window Rainbow Dash had previously crashed through.

However, he didn’t avoid cleaning. As soon as he went back to the spa, Lotus gave him a mop and a task to clean the swimming pool. It took him a few hours until he got rid of the dust and sorry remains of the roof. Eventually, he opened the valves to get rid of the dirty water and went home.

The water travelled down the drain pipes. Due to some mistake the builders made many years ago, the water from the spa somehow bypassed the town’s recycling system and went directly to the lake, along with dust, debris, and a strange, pink liquid that didn’t want to mix with it, instead staying in large drops like oil.

As soon as they reached the lake, the drops began to grow bigger.

The horrors she had experienced left Twilight exhausted. It came to her as no surprise that when she woke up, the sun was high in the sky, shining in her face. She yawned and turned in her bed, trying to fall asleep again, when she heard the sound of glass breaking.

“Rainbow, I’m gonna murder you…” she muttered.

“No time for that!” Rainbow Dash exclaimed, landing on Twilight’s bed. “You have to see that!”

“See what?” Twilight looked around, trying to get her bearings.

“That!” Rainbow Dash pointed at the window. “Board your windows and lock the doors! We’re so fucked!”

“What?” Twilight asked, looking outside. At first, she thought that what she saw was some really weird formation of at least a hundred of pegasi flying above the lake. Then she realised that some of them were indeed pegasi, but it definitely wasn’t a formation. More like… position. She noticed some unicorns and earth ponies sandwiched between the pegasi, staying in air only because of the strength of their boners. Twilight never thought she’d utter such a phrase in her life.

“How is that even possible?” she asked.

“Fuck me if I know,” Rainbow Dash muttered. “I guess soon you will, if you drink something. At least judging by the fact that I had to drag Starlight to the basement, kicking and screaming after she drank her morning coffee. Judging by the sounds, she fucks a jar of pickles.”

“How about Moondancer?” Twilight asked.

“Top corner of that. Big Mac’s gonna smell of tomato soup, I’m afraid.” Rainbow Dash pointed at the formation. Twilight looked there and saw Moondancer getting rutted by Big Macintosh and Thunderlane. She couldn’t help but admire the strength of Thunderlane’s wings.

“So, what are we gonna do?” Twilight asked. “It’ll take a week before it wears out…”

Rainbow Dash scratched her head. “We’re gonna need a really big fire pump…”

“You’re a pegasus, aren’t you?” Twilight looked at Rainbow Dash.

“Why are you asking?” Rainbow Dash backpedalled. “Do you have a fetish?”

“No, but… Couldn’t you make it rain?” Twilight asked. “Like, fresh water from anywhere but the lake. This should do, right?”

Rainbow Dash scratched her mane. “Yeah… more or less,” she said slowly. “But I’ll have to look for it somewhere in the mountains, I guess. It may take a while…”

Twilight sighed. “I’d like to remind you that you can fly faster than the speed of sound. According to my calculations, getting from any point in Equestria to another should take you no more than four hours.”

“It doesn’t exactly work that way,” Rainbow Dash muttered. “But I can try.” She took off and crashed through another window of Twilight’s bedroom. Soon, Twilight saw a rainbow explosion above the lake, causing the formation of pegasi to collapse and fall into the lake.

Twilight sighed and cast a spell causing the remaining windows to become nearly indestructible. Then she looked under her bed and grabbed one of the gas masks Pinkie Pie had left there in case of a gas mask emergency. “This should keep the heat away,” she muttered, putting it on.

The door of Twilight’s bedroom opened and Spike ran inside. He closed the door and barricaded it with a closet. Twilight noticed that he was wet and had some glass shards and pickles stuck to his skin.

“What happened?” Twilight asked.

“Starlight got out and threw a jar at me,” Spike replied. “Where’s Rainbow Dash? And what the hay are you wearing?”

“That’s just a gas mask,” Twilight said. “And Rainbow Dash is getting help. Where’s Starlight?”

Somepony banged at the door. “Twi! Come here quick!” Starlight exclaimed. “You would not believe how many cool things we can do with a mop and a jackhammer!”

“Don’t you think she has a problem?” Spike asked. “I mean, even without that heat thing. I guess living in a small village can’t be healthy.”

“You don’t say,” Twilight muttered. They heard Starlight banging at the door again.

“We can’t just sit there, waiting for Rainbow Dash,” Spike said, looking at the door. “She’ll eventually figure out to break it with magic.”

“I think I have an idea.” Twilight levitated a box from under her bed and produced a baseball bat from it. “What?” she asked, seeing the look Spike gave her. “I’m afraid of changelings!”

“I see,” Spike replied. “So, what are we gonna do with it?”

“Hold it.” Twilight threw the baseball bat to Spike. “I’ll open the door.”

“I have bad feelings about this…” Spike muttered, raising the bat. Twilight levitated the closet and used her magic to open the door.

“Twilight, honey, I’m so glad to see you!” Starlight exclaimed, her eyes wide and bloodshot. “Have you ever wondered how many times I can make you–” She staggered when Spike whacked her in the back of the head, but continued to walk towards Twilight. “– cum with my tongue alone…”

Spike hit her again, but Starlight didn’t even notice. He looked at the bat unsurely and made a move as if he wanted to hit himself.

“Give me that!” Twilight levitated the bat out of Spike’s claws and shielded herself from Starlight, who was cornering her.

“How cute!” Starlight exclaimed. “You already have toys!”

Twilight looked into her eyes and swung the bat down. The sound of it connecting with Starlight’s skull echoed across the room. Starlight’s eyes crossed and she collapsed on the floor, where she lay motionless.

“Best batter of Celestia’s School for Gifted Unicorn’s softball team.” Twilight spun the bat with her magic and put in on the ground. “Three times in a row, bitch.”

“What are we gonna do with her now?” Spike asked.

“Don’t worry about that.” Twilight grabbed the box and took four pairs of hoofcuffs and an anti-magic ring from it. “Don’t you dare ask,” she muttered.

“I’m not going to.” Spike watched Twilight cuffing Starlight to her bed. Just after she placed the ring on her horn, Starlight woke up.

“You’re sending so many mixed messages…” she muttered.

“Wait a minute, I’ll find the spell to get you out,” Twilight said. “It’s in water… Maybe a total water removal spell?”

“Yeah, she wouldn’t want to fuck anyone anymore.” Spike sighed. “Because she’d turn into dust.”

Twilight smiled sheepishly. “Yeah, not the best idea… We could wash it out, but since she already ingested it…”

“Remember: whatever you say may be her fetish.” Spike looked at Starlight unsurely. “Maybe you’ll just get the book and check what the author of the spell came up with.”

“Dried frog pills, mercury enemas, snow, and dragonfire,” Twilight replied.

“Dragonfire?” Spike asked. “I can do that!”

“If you can blow fire into her vagina…”

Spike looked at Starlight, who was thrashing on Twilight’s bed, trying to reach them. “Okay, I’m not doing that.”

Suddenly, they felt a cold wind blowing. Twilight looked through the window and saw a large, dark cloud hanging just above the castle. It was definitely unstable; sparks were flying from it as it moved.

“Hello, Twi!” Rainbow Dash exclaimed. “I found this baby wandering all alone somewhere around Yakyakistan! Can you help me with it?” She somersaulted in mid-air to kick two pegasi who were flying at her.

Twilight took off and flew to the top of the cloud where she met Rainbow Dash. “So, what are you gonna do with it?” she asked. “I’m not exactly a weather pony…”

“It’s simple,” Rainbow Dash replied. “You just fly to it and give it the biggest kick you can. It should do the rest.”

“Okay.” Twilight looked at the cloud unsurely. It definitely didn’t look like an ordinary raincloud from the factory. Wild and untamed, it seemed like it was about to attack her back. Twilight took a deep breath and flew up with Rainbow Dash. After a while, they dived at the cloud, gaining speed.

“When this baby blows up, we’re gonna see some serious–” Rainbow Dash’s voice drowned in a roar as she hit the cloud. A second later, when Twilight hit it, the cloud exploded, sending thunderbolts and torrents of snow around.

“Whoa!” Rainbow Dash exclaimed, thrown around by the wind. “That wasn’t a raincloud!”

“You don’t say!” Twilight shouted. A gust of wind threw her back into her bedroom, along with a thick layer of snow. She tried to get up, but more snow hit her, burying her deep underneath it.

When she woke up, she saw Spike standing above her. Starlight was sitting nearby, the frame of the bed still attached to her hooves.

“Where’s Rainbow Dash?” Twilight asked. “If she’s alive, I’m gonna kill her…”

“Look on the bright side,” Spike said, pointing at the clear sky. “It seems that the snow cured everyone. Including Starlight.”

“Yeah, can you untie me?” Starlight asked, trying to rub her head. “I’m not sure who’s the victim there.”

Twilight used her magic to undo the hoofcuffs and walked to the window. Her castle was halfway buried under the snow. Some ponies already dug themselves out of it, including Rainbow Dash, who was lying on the top of a large pile of snow, smirking.

“That was awesome!” Rainbow Dash exclaimed. “Can I do that again?”

“Rainbow Dash!” another pegasus called. “What the fuck was that? Winter? In May?”

“Chill out, Cloud Kicker,” Rainbow Dash muttered. “Do you know that the increasing pressure on weather teams to make more warm days causes global warming? We have to fight it, or one day you’ll wake up to find out that Manehattan was flooded!”

“That’d make the world a better place…” Cloud Kicker muttered, flying away.

“I don’t get it,” Rainbow Dash said. “We saved them, after all.”

“Well, we’re not tomato soup,” Spike muttered. “Not everyone has to like us.”

“You just had to mention tomato soup, didn’t you?” Twilight groaned. “But at least everything ended well…”

Nurse Redheart sighed and furrowed her eyebrows, staring at Moondancer. “Antibiotics, huh? What for?”

“I’d rather not tell,” Moondancer muttered, wincing in pain.

Nurse Redheart scratched her head. “Strange, usually we have junkies who want painkillers, but antibiotics? Also, remember that we really don’t want bacteria to develop resistance against them…”

Rainbow Dash landed by Moondancer’s side with a big grin on her face. “Don’t worry nurse, my friend is just shy,” she said. “No wonder, since she had two cans of tomato soup pumped into her anus, which definitely resulted in an infection.”

“That’s low,” Moondancer muttered.

“Well, actually tomato soup isn’t the weirdest thing that resulted from this… fuck-up.” Nurse Redheart coughed. “For starters, everyone has a cold.” She smiled. “Now, Ms. Moondancer, come with me. We’ll take a look at your… infection.”

When they walked out, Rainbow Dash chuckled. She was still laughing when Twilight and Starlight walked to her. “What’s going on?” Twilight asked.

“I just kinda told Nurse Redheart about Moondancer’s… condition.” Rainbow Dash smirked.

“That wasn’t nice,” Starlight said. “It’s not her fault that we were high on our heats.”

Twilight was about to say something about Rainbow Dash’s inability to keep a secret, when she saw a tall pony in a suit and sunglasses walking to her. “Princess Twilight Sparkle?” he asked.

“Yes, why are you asking?” Twilight looked at the pony unsurely.

“You, Ms. Moondancer and Ms…” The pony looked into a notebook. “Starlight Glimmer are arrested for non-approved magical experiments, and unleashing a potentially fatal spell. You have the right to remain silent and to some other things, a comfortable cell not included.”

“Arrested?” Twilight asked weakly. “But… I’m a princess…”

“Don’t you think that everyone should be equal?” the pony gave Twilight a heavy glare.

“I definitely agree,” Starlight said quickly. “Cuff me!”

Rainbow Dash burst into laughter again. “That’s just too rich! Just imagine the headlines! ‘Princess Arrested for Fucking the Town Over’...”

“Element of Loyalty, huh?” Starlight sighed.

The pony in black looked at Rainbow Dash. “While we are at it… Ms. Rainbow Dash, you’re arrested for violation of air traffic laws, stealing a fire pump, unapproved changes in the weather schedule… Oh, and the yaks are asking us what happened to their holy snowcloud. You also have the right to remain silent and I think we have a nice cell for four ponies.”

Rainbow Dash stopped laughing. “Holy… Snowcloud?”

“Equality,” Twilight muttered. “Come on, Rainbow, at least you’ll be in a nice company…”

Author's Note