Or, Why Thaumaturgy and Thermodynamics Don't Mix
“Now, are you absolutely certain you three don’t need anything else while I’m out?” Rarity hovered near the kitchen doorway, her forehead creasing beneath her horn.
Sweetie Belle rolled her eyes, though there was a small smile on her muzzle. “We’ll be fine, Sis. Apple Bloom already has plenty of experience in the kitchen, and if anything goes wrong, Scootaloo can hop on her scooter and get help in a flash!”
This served only to deepen Rarity’s frown, but before she could voice her fears further, Sweetie Belle telekinetically opened the door to the back yard for her as Apple Bloom and Scootaloo none-too-subtly herded her out.
Rarity relented with a sigh. “Alright, my darlings, I’ll return with salad fixings soon. Be safe!”
“We will, bye!” Apple Bloom closed the door behind her, and all three fillies looked through the window to make sure she actually left.
Once Rarity had disappeared from sight, Scootaloo turned to the others, wings buzzing as she hopped from hoof to hoof. “I can’t believe we’re about to cook dinner all by ourselves!”
“Yeah,” Apple Bloom agreed, “this feels like a really big step forward!”
Sweetie Belle beamed at her friends. “Once we pull this off, it’ll be like we’re actually adults!”
They shouted as one, “Cutie Mark Crusader Adulting! Yay!” They shared a high-hoof, and there was a small flash as their cutie marks glowed in affirmation of their shared desire to “adult”. They grinned at each other, then split up to set about the necessary preparations for dinner.
“I’ve got the garlic bread,” Scootaloo called as she slid a chair up to the counter next to the bread box. She grabbed a baking sheet and hauled the large Haytalian loaf out along with a bread knife. After some finagling, she held the knife in her mouth and began to saw away, carving it into uneven portions.
Meanwhile, Apple Bloom and Sweetie Belle set about filling a massive pot with water from the tap. “Careful, now,” Apple Bloom said as she balanced next to the sink while holding her side of the pot. “How much water d’we need for this again?”
Sweetie Belle levitated the package of spaghetti in front of her. “It says a gallon for every pound of spaghetti we cook.”
“’Kay, how much spaghetti do we have?”
She flipped the package over. “Um, ten pounds. How much should we make?”
“Ah say we make all of it, just t’be safe.”
“Sounds good to me.” They fell silent as the pot continued to fill.
After a while, Apple Bloom’s muscles began to tire. “Uh, how much does this pot hold?”
“I dunno, but we’re going to need to stop soon if we want to get it over to the stove.”
“Ah’m sure this is fine,” Apple Bloom said, and she shifted the pot back upright as Sweetie Belle shut off the tap. Slowly, carefully, they maneuvered the mostly full pot of water over to the stove.
“Hey, do you think I should butter the crust, too?” Scootaloo called over.
“Yeah, Rarity’s pretty dainty, and Haytalian bread is pretty crusty,” Sweetie Belle called back. “The butter should soften it up some.”
“’Kay,” Scootaloo replied as she set about slathering butter on every inch of each irregular chunk of bread.
With care, and with no small amount of magical effort on Sweetie Belle’s part, they heaved the pot onto the largest burner on the stovetop. “Finally,” Apple Bloom said as she wiped a hoof across her brow, “let’s get this pot a’boilin’.” She snapped the burner on and turned it up to the highest setting.
They each pricked up an ear at a curious poonk-poonk-splort sound. The two turned to see Scootaloo, eyes wide, holding an empty jar of minced garlic high over the baking sheet, its contents now strewn across the bread, the sheet, the countertop, the chair, and the pegasus herself.
Sweetie Belle sighed. “Don’t worry about it, Scootaloo, we can clean up while the bread is toasting.”
“Aheh, if you say so.” Scootaloo sheepishly blushed, then carefully picked up the tray with her teeth and turned to hop to the floor. Unfortunately, her forehoof found a patch of garlic schmeer and went straight out from under her. Pegasus and baking sheet alike tumbled to the floor with a clatter as buttery bread pinwheeled into the air. While Sweetie Belle managed to save a few of the slices with her telekinesis, she couldn’t save them all.
“Aw, hay,” Scootaloo sighed as she got her hooves back under her, “I’m sorry, guys.”
“Don’t fret none, we can still save ’em – just gotta dust ’em off.” Apple Bloom trotted over and helped Scootaloo remove the slice stuck to her mane. The three of them reloaded the tray and slid it in the oven, then stared at the baking dial.
“Gosh, this is fancier than the wood-burnin’ stove Ah’m used to,” Apple Bloom muttered.
Sweetie Belle nodded. “Yeah, it’s brand new. Runs on magic, according to Rarity.”
“Oh hey, a ’clean’ setting.” Scootaloo pointed towards the dial, then immediately brightened. “That should take care of any dirt from the floor!”
“Good idea,” said Sweetie Belle as she made the appropriate selection. A small panel flipped open to reveal a switch labeled “Cleaning Power” – one side indicated “Regular”, the other, “Princess”.
Apple Bloom blinked. “Wow, this is a fancible oven. How clean do we want the bread?”
Scootaloo crinkled her nose. “Um, as clean as can be, I guess. It is Rarity we’re cooking for, after all.”
“Good point.” Apple Bloom flipped the switch to the “Princess” option, and there was a loud hiss and a click as the oven door sealed itself.
“Awesome,” Scootaloo said, “that takes care of the bread!”
A cheer went up from her friends. “Hooray!”
A charming, if slightly disingenuous, voice wafted over from the open window. “An exultant exclamation? Do my ears deceive me?”
The trio turned to see Discord’s face framed slightly off-kilter by the window sill. The three fillies smiled back at him. “Hey, Discord,” Scootaloo chirped.
“What brings you by?” Apple Bloom asked.
“I was just on my way over to Fluttershy’s for late-afternoon tea, and I heard the three of you cheering. What are you fillies up to?”
Sweetie Belle grinned as she puffed herself up. “We’re cooking dinner for ourselves and Rarity!”
“All by ourselves!” the other two added together.
“All by yourselves?” Discord echoed, eyes glittering. “Well now, that’s a mighty important responsibility.”
“Yup! We’re gonna impress the heck outta Rarity, an’ do it every night once we get the hang of it!” Apple Bloom began to hop up and down at the thought.
Discord’s face twisted into a wry grin. “I’m certain you’ll acquit yourselves well, then. I’m afraid I must be off, though – mustn’t keep Fluttershy waiting. Have a pleasant evening, my little ponies!” He snapped his talons.
Nothing seemed to happen.
The Crusaders looked at one another. “Um, Discord? You’re still here.”
“I am?” Discord looked around, still grinning. “Silly me. Ta!” He snapped his talons again, and this time vanished in a plume of sweet-smelling smoke.
“Well, that was nice of him to say hi,” Sweetie Belle said.
“Yeah, always good to see ’im,” Apple Bloom replied, turning back to the pot of water, now at a roiling boil. “Weird, this wasn’t boiling before.”
“Well, the temperature’s at full whack,” Sweetie Belle noted. “Let’s get the noodles in.” She up-ended the box of noodles into the pot.
“Granny says you need to salt the noodles too, while they’re boilin’.”
“Good idea.” Sweetie Belle took an ornate wood-and-metal salt shaker and shook it over the pot – to little effect. “Hmm.” She tried to unscrew the cap, but found it stuck. She concentrated all of her will on the cap to unstick it, and a hoofful of sparks flew from her horn.
Suddenly, the cap gave way and shot off as though fired from a cannon. It bounced off two walls and the ceiling before finally landing in the boiling pot with a soft splash. A copious amount of salt – far more than should have fit in the shaker – also flew out, covering most of the kitchen.
This was lost on Sweetie Belle as she squeaked, “No, this is Rarity’s favorite salt shaker!”
Scootaloo quirked an eyebrow. “Rarity has a favorite salt shaker?”
“Y’all are surprised by that?” Apple Bloom turned to Sweetie. “It should be fine if we add oil to the pot – Big Mac says y’gotta oil wood to keep it from stripping out, or somethin’ like that.”
“Do you really think that would work?”
“It’s worth a shot.” Apple Bloom reached into the cabinet and grabbed a jug of olive oil.
“Wait,” Sweetie Belle held up a hoof, “make sure that’s not extra-virgin olive oil – Rarity says to never use the stuff marked ‘EV’ when cooking, only for dressing.”
“That’s… weirdly specific, but okay." The earth pony filly glanced over the jug. “Ah don’t see an ‘EV’ anywhere.”
Bloog-bloog-bloog went the oil as they dumped it into the pot. After several glugs, Apple Bloom nodded. “That should be plenty.”
The pot began to wobble on the burner. A thick froth formed at the top, and slowly began to spill over the sides.
“Um, is it supposed to be doing that?” Sweetie Belle cautiously approached the stove.
She hopped back with a squeak as a hoofful of noodles slopped over the side of the pot. Water and foam sloshed about, hitting the burner with a loud hiss of steam.
“Oh no! Put a lid on it!” Scootaloo dashed about, looking through the cabinets to find the right lid.
“Here,” Sweetie Belle shouted, “I got it!” She slammed the lid down on the pot.
All was quiet, and the fillies let out a breath they hadn’t realized they had been holding.
Then the pot exploded.
A geyser of oily noodles erupted from the pot and slammed into the ceiling, spreading out and raining down upon the Crusaders. With a yelp, they ran through the back door to the kitchen and slammed it shut behind them as noodles continued to pour forth.
“What do we do? What do we do?!” Scootaloo started to zip back and forth, wings humming as panic began to set in.
“I dunno, I dunno!” Apple Bloom leaned against the door as sweat started to mix with the oily foam.
“Girls?” The three fillies froze in horror as Rarity’s voice lilted over to them from across the street. “Are you three okay?”
They exchanged nervous glances, then, as one, flashed an entirely unbelievable grin. “Fine! Everything’s fine, Sis,” Sweetie Belle lied as they trotted over to her.
“Yep! Everything’s just fine,” Apple Bloom fibbed.
“Don’t go inside,” Scootaloo added. The other two glared at her.
Rarity furrowed her brow as she trotted across the street towards them, saddlebags stuffed with produce. “Girls, what have you done?”
Sweetie Belle drew a circle in the dirt with her hoof. “Um, well…”
A thunderous crash echoed across the yard. They turned to see a wave of noodles take the kitchen door off its hinges and one of the windows out of its frame. The pale, soggy mass spread to cover a significant portion of the yard and side garden.
Rarity collapsed to her knees as her irises shrank to the size of pinheads. “My… my boutique…”
In unison, Apple Bloom and Scootaloo chimed, “Sweetie Belle did it,” as they leveled a hoof at her.
Sweetie Belle’s eyes flew wide as she squeaked, “What?!”
Scootaloo had the grace to look abashed. “Sorry, Sweetie.”
“’Sides, it ain’t like she’s gonna kill her kin.” Apple Bloom considered Rarity’s now catatonic state. “Not until she snaps out of it, anyways. Plenty of time to skip town.”
The pile of noodles began to gather upon itself. A deep rumbling noise could be felt in their jaws as a noodly appendage separated itself from the heaving mass and wrapped itself around Rarity’s barrel. This snapped her out of her fugue state slightly too late for her to do anything but scream as she was hauled off of her hooves into the air.
“Grooooooooo,” the noodles groaned as they began to whip Rarity about. She howled incoherently, carrots and cabbages flying every which way.
“Welp, I’m out,” Scootaloo said with a clop of her hooves as she grabbed her scooter from where it lay against the hedge.
“To go get help, right?” Sweetie Belle asked.
“Uh, sure,” Scootaloo replied, eyes shifting to the side.
There was a flash and a bang, and Twilight appeared next to them in a shower of sparks, Spike riding on her back. “See? I told you I heard her screaming!” Spike hopped off and charged towards the mass of noodles, smoke pluming from his nostrils.
“Okay, this time it was actually important, but– Spike, wait!” Twilight rushed forward, leaving the Crusaders blinking and dumbfounded in her wake.
A crowd gathered at a cautious distance as Rarity’s hysterics summoned curious passersby. Twilight’s arrival had lent an air of stability to the scene, and so the crowd thickened. One unicorn mare with an ear of corn for a cutie mark summoned a bucket of popcorn and began to pass it around.
Spike blew a plume of fire at the shifting pile, which accomplished little beyond forming a cloud of steam. “Don’t worry, Rarity, I’ll save– oof!” A thick knot of noodles slammed into Spike’s side and hurled him through one of the unbroken kitchen windows.
“Spike!” Twilight skidded to a stop, then backpedaled as a third tendril lashed out at her. She returned to the edge of the yard and rounded on the three fillies cowering on the sidewalk. “What did you three do?”
Sweetie Belle began to hyperventilate. “We were just making a pot of spaghetti!”
“Yeah! Rarity left, an’ we were gonna make dinner for the four of us,” Apple Bloom shouted over the background din.
Twilight cast her gaze about. “No, there’s way too much magic involved here for you three to have done it by yourselves. Did anypony else drop by while you were cooking?”
“Well, Discord dropped by–”
Twilight’s eyes narrowed dangerously. “I knew it.” She reared up on her hind legs as a double overglow enveloped her horn. She slammed down on to the ground, her voice magically carrying far louder than the fillies thought was possible. “DISCORD!”
The draconequus appeared beside her with a small pop. He squinted as he dug at an ear with a claw. “No need to shout,” he chided.
“Explain yourself!” Twilight extended a hoof at the roiling mass of noodles flailing about as it slowly engulfed the Carousel Boutique like a cancerous tumor.
“Explain wh–” Discord’s jaw fell slack as he beheld the chaos. He turned back to Twilight, agog. “That wasn’t what was supposed to happen.”
“Don’t you dare lie, Discord–”
“Yes, yes, accusations, etc.” Discord clamped Twilight’s muzzle shut with his claw with a small honk as he turned towards the Crusaders. He, too, inquired, “What did you three do?”
They explained, in fumbling detail, what they had added to the pot after he had departed. “Ah, that would be why,” Discord nodded sagely. He let go of Twilight’s muzzle to fold his arms across his chest and stroke his goatee with his claw. “It’s essentially a giant brain now.”
Twilight, free from Discord’s grasp, shouted, “What?!” They ducked as the noodles swung Rarity – still shrieking – over their heads.
“That pot had all the basic ingredients for neurons – fat, salt, ions, electrolytes, water, heat – of course it became an animated construct once my magic became involved.”
Twilight’s eye started to twitch. “That doesn’t even begin to make sense! That doesn’t even vaguely approximate scientific–”
Discord placed a paw upon her lips. “Shhhh. Daddy’s got this.” He strode towards the monster as Twilight’s mane and tail set themselves on fire with rage.
With a wave of his claw, the noodly appendage holding the still-screaming Rarity was severed from the main body of the monster. It sailed with its noisome cargo over Discord’s head to land next to the three fillies with a wet splat.
Discord brought his mismatched forearms together, and for the first time, his trademark smirk vanished. His muzzle formed a thin line as he shut his eyes, and when they opened they glowed a lambent yellow. He spread his forelimbs wide, and a rift formed in mid-air, reality itself torn asunder. A howling gale whipped at the manes of the assembled ponies as the viscous mass of animated noodles was sucked into the void. With a final plaintive cry, the last noodly tendrils vanished into the nothingness, and the rift slammed back shut.
Silence reigned as Discord took a deep breath. His smirk returned, and he turned towards the crowd to take a bow. A cheer went up from the townsfolk, and a shower of roses fell from on high around him, quickly forming a pile up to his knees.
The Cutie Mark Crusaders trotted up to him, jaws agape. “That was amazing!” they cooed.
“Oh, pshaw,” Discord waved away their praise, though his face fell a moment later. “Girls, I owe you an apology,” he said as he knelt down towards them, “I just meant to have a bit of fun. This went way beyond what I intended.”
“Aw, that’s okay,” Scootaloo said.
Apple Bloom asked, “Didja kill it?”
“Good heavens, no,” Discord laughed, “I just shunted it to another dimension. It’s somepony else’s problem now.”
Twilight’s eye began to twitch. “Discord!”
Discord spread his mismatched claws wide. “What? The cold vacuum of space will probably freeze it solid.” He paused, then brought his paw to his chin. “Of course, that could just give it time to evolve an intellect while adapting to life in the void between worlds.”
Twilight facehoofed. “Discord, if you just unleashed a baby demi-god on an unsuspecting universe again, so help me–”
The draconequus patted the air in front of him. “Relax, Twilight. At worst, it would just do something as benign as altering the carbon isotope content of– um...” He stared as a bedraggled Rarity hauled herself to her hooves.
Rarity gave her mane a hearty sniff. She asked in a hushed tone, “Is this olive oil?”
Sweetie Belle winced. “Yeah. We added it to the noodles when-”
Rarity cut her off with a raised hoof. “Regular or extra-virgin?”
“Um, regular, you told us not to-”
Rarity shrieked. “My mane is stained by plain olives from… from, er…” Rarity faltered, a puzzled look on her face. “Hmm. That one needed a bit longer in the oven.”
Scootaloo gasped. “Oh no! The garlic bread!”
A deafening explosion nearly knocked the assembled ponies off their hooves as a multicolored fireball took most of the kitchen and half of the boutique’s roof with it into the sky. Smoldering splinters rained down upon Ponyville as billowing clouds of oily black smoke belched out of the now-gaping hole.
This finally proved too much for Rarity. As she fainted dead away, her automated swooning-couch-summoning spell barely fired in time to catch her.
A silence fell over the scene as the final former storefront fragments settled into the dust. The crowd reluctantly began to disperse as it became clear the show was over.
Apple Bloom perked an ear up and tilted it towards the horizon. “What’s that, Applejack? Need help with the, uh… the thing? Yeah, I’ma comin’.” She bolted back towards Sweet Apple Acres.
Scootaloo took her cue and tilted an ear towards the other side of town. “What now, Rainbow Dash? A new trick you want to show me? Sure, I don’t have anyplace I need to be.” She hopped onto her scooter and, with all the sound and fury of a single-cylinder engine, buzzed off.
Sweetie Belle flattened her ears against her head and stomped a hoof. “Traitors!” she squeaked after them.
The dust continued to settle as Discord broke into a wide grin. “Well! I think we can all agree a valuable lesson was-”
“Oh, stuff it, Discord,” Twilight spat. She teleported away with a bang.
Discord snorted. "How rude!" With a bamf, he was gone.
Sweetie Belle, now alone, took a deep breath. A small smile pulled at the corners of her muzzle as she looked about at the ruined yard, the destroyed remnants of her sister’s home and business, and her sister, still sprawled across her fainting couch. “Yep,” she nodded, “That went well!” She enveloped the couch in her magical aura and slowly dragged it away from the scene, towards their parents’ home. “I wonder if Rarity will let us try a soufflé next time?”
