Click Bait Comes to Ponyville
“News from Manehattan, Canterlot, and everywhere! Come read the hottest new stories right now, straight from the source!” the strange new mare in Ponyville barked loudly in the town square. Her Manehattan Equestrian accent betrayed her origins, but perfectly groomed, curled, orange mane and pristine white coat belied it all the same.
A small crowd had gathered around the newcomer, and with vendors shouting out at the public to sell their wares during the busy Wednesday afternoon, she fit right in… as well as attracted the attention of the town’s resident princess and fashionista.
“Who’s she?” Twilight asked, cantering up right next to Rarity who was staring and listening to the mare from afar with rapt attention.
“I’m not quite sure, I’ve never seen her around her before,” the alabaster unicorn answered. “But I must say, she sure knows how to keep a pony’s attention!”
“Good ponies of Ponyville, get the latest news and the greatest buzz! Feed your curiosity! Only two whole bits!”
“Whaddya mean?” Twilight asked, but turned her attention back to the strange mare. “What’s she selling? Newspapers? Haven’t had one of those vendors in a while.”
“I know, and she’s promising the juiciest gossip! I may just have to partake,” Rarity added.
“Princess Luna visited Trottingham two weeks ago during the late hours of her reign! What she was seen doing will blow your minds and curl your tails!” the mare continued happily calling out her wares, and to her glee, several ponies stepped forward and bought some copies.
“OOOH!” Rarity exclaimed, trotting in place with a beaming smile. “I just have to know what she did!”
Twilight cocked a lone eyebrow.
“She visits Trottingham regularly. It’s probably nothing.”
“But what if it is something?! Two bits is a rather riskless investment,” the fashionista countered.
“Come one, come all! Only a limited amount before it’s too late… just remember that you heard it first from Click Bait!”
“Well, I guess we know her name, now…” Twilight mused, but something else caught her eye, namely, the image on the mare’s flank. “Wait, what the heck’s her cutie mark?”
The two walked closer, gently nudging past a few ponies who were hanging on Click Bait’s every word. Having gotten close enough, Twilight squinted.
“Is that… a gray arrow with a fish hook in it?” the alicorn asked incredulously, not even sure if she was convinced of what she was seeing. Hearing no response from her best friend, Twilight glanced over and found Rarity with one of the papers in her magical grasp, face buried in the newsprint.
“I’m sorry, darling, did you say something?” she inquired, looking up over the top of her new reading material. The princess huffed out, blowing an errant strand of her bangs out of her vision after she rolled her eyes.
“That’s right! Learn seven different ways to get that stallion of your dreams clamoring for you… and seven different ways four Las Pegasus stars messed it all up! Today, and today only!” Click Bait kept up her antics, greeting each and every individual who purchased her paper.
Twilight turned back to Rarity, the latter’s eyes scanning diligently over the words.
“Well? Is it something?”
“Erm, apparently Princess Luna was just seen dancing at Trottingham’s most prestigious club,” Rarity paraphrased the paper, her turn to cock an eyebrow. “I… I guess that’s news?”
“Told ya! Nothing really out of the ordinary, like I suspected,” Twilight said, holding her head high with a confident smile.
“Oh, hey Twilight!” a familiar, young voice entered into the aforementioned alicorn’s ears. “And hello~ Rarity…”
“Wha—Spike?” Twilight exclaimed, recoiling slightly when she spied her closest friend with one of the offending, folded newspapers under his arms. She visibly deadpanned, shaking her head “Ugh not you, too…”
“Hey, Click Bait over there made it seem interesting! Besides, it’s only two bits, what’s the worst that could come of it?” Spike reasoned, justifying his purchase before ambling next to Rarity. He unfolded his paper and began to read while Twilight only shot a cautious look towards seemingly normal mare.
The following day, Ponyville General Hospital’s head, Doctor Vax, was scrambling for answers, sifting through the stack of medical records as if they could provide him with some respite. Disheveled mane and wrinkled physician’s coat were the telltale signs of overwork as he tried to figure out what could possibly be causing this health disaster.
“Doctor!” Nurse Redheart yelled as she burst into the office. She held a clipboard in her grasp. “The test results came in for today’s patients!”
“Something tells me that I don’t want to know…” Vax replied, less than enthused at Redheart’s complexion.
“Unfortunately, all five of them are positive,” she murmured, confirming the doctor’s fears.
“Ugh! How in the hell…” he began, and in a fit of frustration, Vax shoved his papers off of his desk. “How is this even possible! The cancer rates fucktupled overnight!”
“I don’t know, sir… how should we approach this? We can’t afford a mass panic!” Redheart inquired, setting the clipboard on Vax’s desk.
“I don’t even… how bad is this group?” he dared to ask. Redheart shook her head as she read off the results.
“Spike the Dragon came in for his checkup yesterday; perfectly healthy! Today, he came back feeling ill… he’s got stage four ass cancer!”
“Ass cancer?!” Vax questioned, and Redheart nodded vehemently.
“Ass cancer. We confirmed it with the arcanometer; the number was 42.069. Ass cancer. AND THEN…” Redheart flipped the page over. “Rarity Belle, the owner of Carousel Boutique, came in feeling off. She’s never had a major problem at all aside from her acute explosive diarrhea. The mare’s got prostate cancer.”
Doctor Vax blinked twice.
“...She’s a mare.”
“I know!” Redheart expressed, wide-eyed. “Again, confirmed with both an internal scan and three different arcanometers: 90.01, a number unseen in mares,” she added, shaking her head solemnly.
“This… this is defying both reason and magic!” Vax expressed, rubbing his temple with his right hoof. “What could possibly be doing this? We’ve had natural disasters, mythical creatures nearly laying waste to the town, literal tentacles invading from the Everfree and leaving no virgin mares within five miles… I mean, these are crisis levels of cancer! What could possibly be—”
Vax’s eyes went wide and he slammed his hoof on the ground, instantly fixing his attention through the window and toward the scenery blanketed by the night sky.
“D-Doctor?” Redheart asked cautiously, outstretching a leg to try and get his attention, but things suddenly made sense when her superior uttered two words.
“...Click Bait.”
Author's Note
I'm tipsy off gin. Here you go.
Remember kids, if you enable Click Bait, you're literally carcinogenic.
