Author's Note
My entry for the Twilestia is Bestia 10th bimonthly contest. I always write dark Celestia stories for these... I should really lighten up.
Hatred
“Princess? Are you alright?”
Twilight was looking up at me, her brow furrowed the way it is when she's concerned for somepony's well being. It's so wonderful that she's always so concerned about me, but she doesn't have anything to worry about. Honestly, I don't know why she even asked that question.
“Yes Twilight, I'm fine,” I say to her, giving her a smile to reassure her that everything is alright. Twilight frowned for a second, and then we continued to resume our walk through Canterlot. Naturally Twilight and I had two guards walking closely behind me. Why, I had no idea. It wasn't like I needed them or anything.
Although, recent developments have shown otherwise. After the Chrysalis incident, security tightened around me, and the more recent attempts at my life haven't put anyone's minds at ease. Apparently, since there's the off chance that something could happen to me, I need to be watched twenty-four seven.
“Princess Celestia, did you hear me?” Twilight asked. I turned to her shocked. Was she talking to me?
“Um… yes Twilight?” I asked her.
“I was telling you about Starlight's progress,” Twilight said, “She's now making friends all over Ponyville. It's funny, looking at her really shows me how I used to be before going to Ponyville.”
“I… see…” I said, oddly not interested much in what Twilight was saying. Why wasn't I though? It's not like she's boring to me. Well, to some ponies she might be, but in my youth I was very much like her. Before my ascension, I was-
No. I don't want to think about that.
“Seriously Princess, are you okay?” Twilight asked again.
“I'm fine, Twilight,” I said, “Truly.”
“Okay…” Twilight said. I could tell she didn't believe me. Then again, why would she? I was a terrible liar. Wait, lying? I wasn't lying to her at all. I was fine. Nothing was wrong. Nothing was ever wrong.
We continued our walk, Twilight doing most of the talking. She truly loved going on about her studies, and of course her new student. She must really love this Starlight. I never got much of an opportunity to get to know her myself. She was there for the Crystalling Ceremony, but things got so hectic that I didn't really get the chance to talk to her one on one. There was supposed to be a dinner, but that got canceled as Starlight went to help a friend with a magic show of some sort.
I would have liked to see that actually.
“I think she's going to do really well in Manehatten,” Twilight said once I started tuning back into the conversation, “I think her shop here in Canterlot is really booming.”
She was now referring to her friend that wears too much make-up. What was her name again? Rarity, right. She did have a shop here in Canterlot. Honestly, I never went in, but Luna told me that the shop is really something else.
“Yes, I've heard good things about it,” I said, trying to sound like I had been listening the entire time, “It's good that her dream is coming to fruition.”
Glad someone's dreams for the future came true. Rarity was a normal unicorn, so she could afford to have normal dreams and see them through, unlike whenever I tried to-
No Celestia. That's bad. You're bad for even allowing yourself to think that right now. Ponies should have their dreams come true, and its your duty to ensure that those dreams are brought to light. After all, your Cutie Mark is the sun after all.
It's hilarious how many ponies think your Cutie Mark represents the actual lifting of the sun.
“Okay, now I know something is wrong,” Twilight said. I sighed and shook my head.
“Twilight, there is nothing-”
“You have that look again,” Twilight stated.
“What look?”
“The look of 'there's something really wrong with me, but I don't want to face it'. That kind of look.”
Damn it Twilight. Why are you so intuitive? She always knew me so well. She was much less of a student to me these days, and more of a genuine friend, one of the few I had that wasn't of familial value. I had wrestled once with the idea of adopting her post ascension much like I did with Cadance, but I decided against it ultimately. Twilight and I were better as close companions. Besides, there was something I never told her concerning my feelings.
“It's nothing that I wish to discuss right now,” I said looking ahead.
“Princess I-”
“I did not call you here to talk about my problems. I called you here so I could be in your presence. Just stay with me, that is all I ask of you.”
I could tell I was frustrating Twilight a bit, but she sighed and continued to walk beside me. She hated when I clammed up like that. She wanted me to open up to her, and let her know my deepest secrets. But I couldn't do that. She would hate me if she knew the truth of my psyche. The truth of how I feel about everypony around me.
That deep down, I actually-
“Princess!” an extravagant pony called out running up to us. She was a blue unicorn with an orange mane and tail, and was wearing a black dress. She must have been talking to Twilight, because when she saw me, she paled a bit and immediately bowed, “Princess Celestia! I had no idea that you were out and about today!”
“At ease, my little pony,” I said warmly, trying my best to hide my irritation.
“Sassy Saddles, what can we do for you,” Twilight said as the pony rose up, still unable to meet eyes with me.
“I apologize for interrupting your day out,” she said sheepishly, “I was hoping that you could help me by modeling a new dress. You have the perfect figure for it, and Rarity told me that you were probably around here today. But if you're busy, I can search for someone else.”
Twilight turned to me, silently asking me if it was okay. I couldn't stop her. She looked like she wanted to be of help to this pony so badly. She was always so eager to please those around her, so much like how I used to be before my-
Stop thinking about that, Celestia. No good can come from worrying about the past.
I gave Twilight my best “it's fine” smile, and she immediately turned to Sassy Saddles, “I can help for a little while, sure.”
“Splendid!” Sassy Saddles said clapping, “Please come with me to the shop. Oh, would Princess Celestia like to come as well?”
Gee, I don't know. Why don't you ask her directly? I'm sure she won't consider it a national offense to simply ask a question.
“Do you want to come Princess?” Twilight asked me, “I probably won't be too long.”
“That's okay,” I said, “I'll wait for you at Pony Joe's Donuts Shop.”
“Alright then. I am so sorry for this, Princess Celestia. I promise I'll make it up to you.”
As the two of them trotted off, I let my smile fade, replacing it with one of sadness.
“You have nothing to apologize for, my beloved student,” I said softly.
The walk to Pony Joe's wasn't nearly as enjoyable without Twilight. When I was with her, I could distract myself with her voice. Now though, all I could focus on was how the citizens looked at me. They revered me, bowing as I walked by, some even stopping everything they were doing, despite how important it was. I simply sighed, trying my best to smile at them, letting them know that it was okay.
It wasn't okay.
When I walked into the Donut Shop, the shop owner immediately called attention to me, telling everyone to move out of the way. Without question, the ponies in line moved to the side allowing me to walk up front.
“What can I do for you today, Your Majesty?” Joe asked with a bow. I knew that he was usually very unreasonable to his patrons, but whenever it came to me, he put on a fake smile and pretended to be a saint.
“Just my usual today,” I said with a sigh, “Princess Twilight should be here shortly, and I simply wish to wait for her at my table.”
“Ahh, yes, of course. Before that though, would you like to try my newest recipe?” Joe asked pulling out a fancy looking donut with white frosting and sprinkles, “It's going to be our new special.”
I took a deep breath and bit into the donut. Immediately I was hit with a sweetness that was too much for my pallet. I didn't care for super sweet things unless it was cake. This tasted like some sort of mix of cake, cotton candy, and anything else you could think of that had a ton of sugar in it.
Still, I knew that other ponies would really enjoy it, and saying that I hated it would make him think it was just terrible, which it wasn't. Just because I didn't like it, didn't mean that others wouldn't.
“It's… good,” I forced out, “I love it…”
“Great! If you wish, I can put some more in a bag for you. How about I give you this instead of-”
“No!” I said immediately, shocking him, “Ahem, I still want my usual for right now. If you wish to have some of those shipped to the castle though, that would be fine.”
“Y-yes, of course Your Majesty,” he said nodding, “I'll have your order sent to your table immediately.”
I nodded to him and trotted to my table in the back. I could feel the many ponies there staring at me, probably all wondering what the Princess of the Sun was doing in a normal shop like this. Surely she had her own personal cooks to make anything she wanted. I did, but I liked to go out every so often like this.
It reminded me that at one point, I used to be-
STOP IT! Don't go there anymore, Celestia! You're not the same as them anymore. You have to accept that.
By the time Twilight got finished, it was already almost time for me to lower the sun, and I finished my donuts, which in case you were wondering were simple glazed donuts. She naturally apologized profusely for seeming to stand me up, but I simply smiled and told her not to worry. She didn't need to walk on eggshells around me.
No one needed to walk on eggshells around me.
We started walking back to the castle, this time Twilight telling me about the time she had at the Boutique. Apparently it was a dress that Twilight wasn't too big of a fan of, as it was so revealing and hugged her curves. I'm sure she looked lovely in it, but I knew that wasn't really her type of preferred clothing.
“Did you have fun today, Twilight,” I asked her once we reached the front doors of the castle.
“I always have fun when I'm with you, Princess,” Twilight said. She thought I couldn't see her blushing.
You're so obvious, Twilight.
“Wonderful,” I said, “Well, I should probably go inside and lower the sun. Knowing Luna, she's probably sitting in her room waiting for me to do my part so she can bring up the moon.”
“Right. Y-yeah, you should… probably get going,” Twilight said. She looked like she wanted to say something.
“Is something on your mind, dear?” I asked her.
“It's just…” Twilight sighed and looked me in the eyes, “I'm here Celestia.”
I was taken aback by how frank she was with me suddenly. Not only had she used my name without titles, but she looked me dead in the eyes.
“T-Twilight…?”
“You don't have to hide anything from me,” she pressed, “No matter what you say, or how you feel, I'll always love you,” she walked toward me and nuzzled me lovingly, “If you ever want to talk to me, you can. I'll listen to you.”
I started trembling, and before I knew it, my eyes were beginning to water. I caught myself before I collapsed right there and turned away from Twilight.
“Thank you, Twilight,” I said, trying but probably failing to hide how close I was to bawling, “I'll… keep that in mind. Have a good night.”
“I don't know what Twilight thought of me after that. I ran back into the castle, getting as far away from her as possible. I still didn't release my emotions though. I was not in the sanctity of my quarters yet, so I couldn't afford to lose myself. No one could see me like that.
I walked toward my room, which meant I passed Luna's bedroom. The lights were on, which meant she was still up. It was amazing how many ponies thought she was nocturnal. Mind you, she might as well have been, since she usually stayed up all night playing her games these days.
I walked into her room and sure enough, there she was lying on her bed using her magic to hold a controller hooked to a holoscreen. On her head was a headset with a microphone. She was the only one in the castle to have one of these, which she used specifically to play her video games. She once told me that she had every game system of the last five generations, whatever that meant.
“Come on… come on…!” Luna said right before cheering loudly, “YES! HEAD SHOT FOR THE WIN!”
“Ahem!” I cleared my throat loudly. My little sister immediately turned to me trying her best to look composed. The headset still on her head made that impossible.
“Sister, you have returned from your walk with Twilight,” Luna said.
“Clearly,” I said rolling my eyes, “I'm about to lower the sun, so could you take a break from your game and prepare to raise the moon?”
“Certainly,” Luna said, “Afterward, would you care to join me? There are campers that need to be given a royal beating.”
“Not tonight, Lulu,” I said, “I'm very tired. After lowering the sun, I think I just want to turn in.”
“Hm… very well,” Luna said frowning, “I hope nothing happened today.”
“I'll be fine,” I said, “I'll see you in the morning, little sister.”
“Yes, see you in the morning, sister,” Luna said. I left her room, going to mine next door. I walked to the balcony, where I took hold of the sun and pulled it down. After a few seconds, I saw the moon rise up replacing it. With that done, I could let “Princess” Celestia turn in for the night.
I took off my crown and regalia, and threw them into a chest at the foot of my bed. I then slammed it shut and walked over to my mirror. From there, I allowed the magic that made my mane flow endlessly cease, turning my mane into a natural multi-colored mane that fell to the sides of my face. Like this, I almost looked like a normal pony, except for the wings on my side.
I hated my wings so much. I hated the length of my horn. I hated how much taller I was. I hated almost everything about my reflection.
But that wasn't all I hated.
I walked over to my desk and pulled out a small red and black book. This book was a secret journal of mine, something that I started doing after losing my sister to the Nightmare in order to keep my sanity. The cover of the book said it all.
My Hate Journal
“Time to let it all out,” I said taking a deep breath. Pulling out my quill and dipping it in the vial of red ink, I began to write furiously.
Today I walked with Twilight through Canterlot. Naturally, she went on and on about her new student Starlight Glimmer. I remember before when it was just me and Twilight. It was perfect then. Now I always have to compete with some other mare for attention from MY Twilight!
Ooh, but that's not even the half of it! Some anorexic floozie, I think her name was Sassy Saddles, ran up to us asking Twilight to model some dress for her. Now, that's not the thing that bothers me. I know Twilight would want to help, and I love that about her.
No, what REALLY bothered me was that she greeted Twilight like a regular pony, but she BOWED to me, like I was some sort of goddess!
These ponies get on my nerves so much! They treat me like I'm some sort of deity! I'm not supposed to be like this! I'm not a goddess! For God's sake, I USED TO BE A UNICORN! I had dreams before this life! I was going to open up my own library, and spend my entire life learning about magic!
But oh no! Destiny decided to give me and Luna a pair of wings and made us into freaks of magical nature! All the while, every pony around me gets to continue living their lives, thinking that “Princess Celestia” will watch over them and protect them no matter what!
Well, I wonder what would happen if I just decided not to do it anymore?! What if one day I decided not to raise the sun?! Or better yet, I could just simply refuse to lower it! They think they should fear me now?! Oh no, I could give them something to fear!
I COULD MAKE THEM ALL FEAR ME, POSSIBLY EVEN HATE ME, JUST AS MUCH AS I HATE EVERY LAST ONE OF THEM!
I closed my journal, and immediately threw it into the drawer. I took a deep breath and allowed myself to feel the relief that came from letting out my anger. I couldn't afford to keep my anger inside me, or else I could turn into a true force of destruction. Instead, I would just throw all of my anger and hatred onto paper, and then never look at it again.
It didn't matter anymore, as long as I just didn't read the pages I wrote.
Feeling better, I fell onto my bed, and allowed the darkness to claim me. In the morning, I'd start my routine over again. Luna would lower the moon before going back to sleep, and I raise the sun. I'd shower, put my regalia on, and open up the day court, where I'd listen to a bunch of ponies complain about their first world problems and ask if I could help them solve them. I'd smile, give them a little advice here and there, and then dismiss them, secretly harboring more hatred for them.
But that was for tomorrow. Tonight, I had good dreams to look forward to.
