Morel Lunatics

Chapter 1

I had the weirdest week. It all started last Friday, my parents had to go out of town again. My dad travels for business, he's a consultant for some big firm, and my mom travels for pleasure. Of course, it's more complicated than it sounds.

Dad had to go to Taiwan with his secretary, so my mom decided to go to Mexico for the week with Derek. He's our pool boy. This happens every summer, usually all summer long. Lately, Mom’s been spending more and more time away from home with Derek.

Now, I'm not an idiot, I know what’s actually going on. Derek is only five years older than me, but I try not to think about that. The fact is simply that my old mom is not shy about fucking around with a 22 year old and my dad takes long frequent trips with his 26 year old secretary.

My home life has been kind of a mess since we moved from Monaco to Quebec for "Tax reasons." It was really so my dad could be closer to his secretary. You know, to fuck her. That started about five years ago. I was twelve. My teenage years have been one long living hell. Each morning started with screaming and yelling between my parents, and devolved into cold smoldering anger by the evening. Eventually, it just became blasé indifference between them. Most of the time they tried not to be at home at all. All the while my sister and I went through the hardest parts of our lives alone.

My sister, Jenny, became angry, loud, and aggressive. Constantly fighting with my parents, me, her friends, and her school administration. She kept top grades though, and managed to get a scholarship out of here as soon as she hit 18. I wasn't so lucky or dedicated. I'm looking at graduating next year, maybe. I haven't decided yet if I’ll bother. I don't have any friends, and I'm not particularly good at anything. I can’t even play hockey. I've learned to keep quiet because I have an abrasive personality. People always bring out the worst in me.

I'm also scared about what I'm going to do. I can't go to college, and I don't really want to. I've never had a job. I've always just stayed at home and played video games or read books in my spare time. When I am at school, I'm nervous and don't talk. It’s difficult because people are stupid. It's really hard not to get angry at them. My "peers" have learned to not interact with me. So, I'm alone while I'm at school and at home.

School ended this year, and everybody else went to their summer job or traveled to see friends and family. I was left alone in a giant house, with nothing to do but play video games, watch TV, read books, and masturbate. It doesn't bother me anymore. Really, it's just like the last five years of my life.

I've been anxious about other things lately. Worried about the future, you know? I don't know what I'm going to do. So I try not to think about it. I try not to think about myself, my parents, my sister, anything like that at all. If I can help it, then I don't think about anything real. Instead, I think about games. I think about heroes and bad guys, monsters and minions, pretty girls and magic powers.

I even think about numbers. Odds, probabilities, anything that could influence the outcome of a game. I've devoted gigabytes of hard drive space to spreadsheets for my games. Even though I've never played a game of poker in my life, I can figure out the odds of winning a hand based solely on what cards I have. I'm not always the best at games, people still beat me when I play online, but I'm always in the top 10%.

I wasn't upset at all when they left me this year. I wanted to get good at a game I'd read about online, "Super Smash Brothers". Apparently they held tournaments in the local area. I'll admit it now, I think I might have been lonely. So I was trying to hone some skills to take to a tournament. I didn't plan on winning, but if I could make a showing, maybe I'd find some people I could at least get along with.

I've never played much in the way of multiplayer games that weren't online, so I wasn't sure how to practice. I knew I could set the difficulty up, and practice on the bots. There was a week to figure it out, so I wasn't worried. I'd already researched every character and their move sets; I knew the fastest one, the strongest one, the most successful one, and more. I'd also watched competitive play online. It looked intense, but not much different than any fighting game I'd ever tried before. I knew I'd be fine once I figured it all out.

So, there I was, in my boxers and all alone and settling in to my first match of Super Smash Brothers. I was completely focused on the game selecting a character when I heard the last thing I expected to hear—a feminine voice, "Might we partake as well?"

My heart skipped a beat. I was supposed to be alone. The house was locked, the alarm set, and the gate closed. I froze and tightly gripped my controller. Did I imagine that?

"Excuse us. We wish for thine attention." The voice was closer now, just over my shoulder.

If I had imagined it, I still was. I slowly craned my rigid neck around, looking for the intruder. What I saw caused me to drop the controller and fearfully scramble back. There was a monster in my room.

I couldn't tell if it was an alien, or something else. It was dark blue and looked fuzzy. It had a glowing blue mist clinging to its round head, a long neck and walked on all fours. It was slender, about the size of a Great Dane, seemingly built for speed, and was looking at me with large intelligent eyes. There was a faint smile on it, just under its pointed snout.

Of course I reacted rationally. "Stay Back! I'm... Warning... you?" I trailed off meekly, noticing a horn in it's forehead, poking out of the shimmering mist. My brain stopped and all I could think was, "Is this real?"

"And prithee, what is thine warning?" It curiously asked while cocking it's head.

I couldn't believe it. It was familiar only in that it was vaguely equine. There was only one thing in my vast repository of knowledge that it could be. I knew there were legends, but it could only be possible if the universe was mocking me. "Are you... A unicorn?" Unicorns were in some of the books I'd read about King Arthur. They were attracted to young maidens, more specifically in modern speak, virgins. I'd always assumed it was just an archaic patriarchal story to encourage young girls to stay chaste.

And yet there was a "ye olde timey" sounding unicorn standing nonchalantly in my room, asking to play video games. Was the universe fucking with me because I hadn't been fucked with enough already? It sounded like a female. I re-assigned some data for it in my head, and "it" became a "she" Why hadn't I heard about this before, on-line or something?

She squinted her teal eyes at me, confused and upset. "We... are more." Standing tall, she spread big dark blue wings, and the mist surrounding her head began to glow. I noticed she had glowing mist around the back too, like some sort of tail. She spoke loudly now, not screaming, but it felt like being in front of a giant sub woofer. "WE ARE ROYALTY. WE ARE AN ALICORN." Her brightly colored eyes darkened as her body began to glow. "WE ARE... LUNA."

Luna must have seen the terror on my face before I hid behind my arms and ducked my head. She was radiating darkness, if that was possible, and I felt a warm trickle down my leg. I was in abject fear for my life. I squeaked, unable to even scream.

A few dark and breathless seconds later, I heard a much quieter and angry voice. "Stupid! Stupid! Why are you still doing that? You know better!" Was she scolding herself? I peeked over my arms to see her back to her original amount of luminosity, and her wings tucked away. She looked ashamed I guessed. Her large expressive eyes were sad, and she wasn't looking directly at me. She had even sat down, resting her body directly on the floor.

I looked at her in confused fear as she glanced back and forth, meeting my gaze, and then flickering her eyes away. Eventually she timidly spoke. "We... I... Apologize. I am still re-learning to properly socialize. Much has been forgotten." And then she muttered. "Or perhaps never known."

So maybe she wasn't going to consume my soul? "It's... ahh... okay? Yeah. It's fine. Apology accepted!" I smiled unconvincingly.

She sadly sighed. "I had hoped that here there would be those who did not fear me. And yet, again I have given reason."

Guilty thoughts bubbled up in my head. She did look harmless enough right then, laying on the ground and meekly avoiding my gaze. I sighed too. "Okay." I let my faked smile drop. "Apology really accepted." I decided that whether or not she was going to kill me, I should give her a chance. "But what was that?"

She sighed again, this time just tired. "It's an old habit. When I'm nervous, I slip in to old Equestrian and get loud. My subjects find it just as discomforting as you." She began to pout.

Subjects? Was she some kind of leader? Teacher? I wasn't sure. And she said “Old Equestrian” like it was some kind of language. I was pretty sure that Equestrian was slang for horse riding or something. Until I figured things out, I just needed to keep her calm. "Yeah... It's very... uh... intimidating. In fact… uh... If you don't mind, my pants need to be changed."

She hung her head in shame. "I am sorry."

"Hey! It's okay!" I smiled at her. Her demure form was far less intimidating when she was laying down. "Could I... get a moment in private, to change though?"

"Of course. I shall be in the hallway." I watched as she got up, her misty tail drooped all the way to the ground, the sparkling in it had died out completely. I briefly considered that it might be tied to her mood. She walked or trotted, I wasn't sure, out the door as it opened and then closed itself for her.

Well that was new.

I unceremoniously threw my boxers into the laundry basket, quickly dried myself off, and put on some new boxers. This time I threw on a T-shirt and some pants as well. I considered leaving her out in the hallway. I figured that would be rude, and I doubted the door would hold her back if she got angry.

I mentally braced myself and called out, "Okay. You can come in if you want."

The door opened itself again and she walked through. When she was through, it closed itself again. Did the universe work for her? She looked me up and down and then frowned. "You did not need formal apparel. I'd not meant to inconvenience you."

I was confused. What did she mean by formal? Did she mean my T-shirt and jeans? "Uh.. It's okay. This isn't formal."

She continued to frown. "I'm quite serious. I was hoping this would be casual, no formalities. I'd like a break from formalities." She looked at me, her eyes begging. "Please."

I gulped. It would have been be hard to tell her no. "Well... Okay I guess. No formalities. But it isn't formal, it's just a T-shirt."

She looked sad again. "But I am not even wearing my regalia! Here I am, a guest in your domicile, and I am the less formal of us. Please. It feels as though you are attempting to pander to me."

Pandering? What the hell was she talking about? Changing out of my clothes would be pandering to her. I started to get frustrated. Fuck this. She was being stupid, and I've always had a hard time with that.

"Actually, no. Pandering to you would be doing what you want even though it's not what I want. So I'm actually not going to take off my clothes to make you feel more comfortable. Because you're right. This is my house, not yours. And I'm not pandering to you." I stepped towards her angrily and actually began to shout, "I want to wear clothes right now! If you don't like that, then you can just deal with it or piss off."

She looked startled, and then I panicked. What did I just do? A strange mythical creature was in my room, and I just demanded that it "Deal with it or piss off." I sighed and pressed my palm to my forehead. I'm such an idiot. I took a breath before I spoke again. "Sorry. I lose my temper sometimes."

The she surprised me. She laughed. "Apology accepted. What say you we do this over?"

"Sure." I'd do anything to make this less awkward.

"Hello. My name is Luna." She smiled warmly at me.

"Hi. I'm Ethan." I waved.

Luna stood happily, "Well, I think that went better."

"Yeah. I guess it did." So I found myself with a strange blue alicorn, whatever that was, in my room, and I still had no idea why. But at least it didn't look like she was going to hurt me.

"So... Can we play the game?" She seemed pretty excited, glancing at the forgotten Super Smash Brothers character select screen.

"I don't see why not." I uncoiled the other controller and plugged it in. Then I held it in front of her, and realized I was being stupid. She had no hands. I stood there awkwardly, trying to figure out how we were going to do this when I felt a tug on the controller.

"You may relinquish it. If I may?"

I let go of the controller and watched as it floated lazily over to just in front of her face. Huh. Telekinesis? That explained the door. I gulped and nervously walked over to my controller and sat down on my bed. She was staring intently at the character select screen, slowly roving through the selectable characters.

"Hmmm... I' will try... This one!" She picked Link.

I decided not to make the excitable telekinetic alicorn wait for me, and picked Kirby. He’d be good to train with since he was a bottom tier character in this version of the game. Her attention was completely on the screen, but I kept glancing over at her. I think I was still in shock. All of my thoughts were some variation of, "What the hell is going on?" I couldn't think about the game at all! Instead, I kept going over the last few minutes in my head over and over again.

She briefly snapped me out of it. "Which stage shall we play?"

I couldn't pay attention to it, so I let her decide. "How about you pick?" I watched her face as she concentrated. She didn't even glance at me. It was though she was completely absorbed into the game. She selected Hyrule Castle, and we jumped in.

I felt my controller vibrating and looked back at the screen to find the bots beating on me. My focus went back to the game, and I briefly forgot I was playing with a mythical being. It did not go well. We weren't very good at it, having never played before. The bots smoked us, ten knock outs to zero.

"We lost!" She seemed surprised.

"Well, yeah." I rolled my eyes, "We died the most. In fact, we died every time."

"How is this a fair game!?" She seemed angry, standing up and aggressively posing towards my TV.

"Hey, it's okay. I had it set to hard to teach me how to play. We can turn it down if you need it easier."

At that, she directed her attention to me. She glared at me. "We do not require it... Easier!" She huffed. "How dare thee fig us!"

I was confused. Fig? "What?"

"We..." She closed her eyes and took a breath. "I apologize..."

"It's fine... So not easier then?"

Her eyes briefly darkled, and she firmly stated, "No."

I shrugged, "Well, then I'm gonna keep trying this. You can play with me if you want, but we're going to lose a lot at first."

"I do not lose." She sounded angry, but more reserved as she refocused her attention at the character select screen.

Her ears twitched back flat against her head when I muttered under my breath. "Right..."

We selected the same characters and the same stage. This time she died faster, but I managed to stay alive much longer. I even got a K.O. in. She was fuming, so I began to ask her some questions in the hopes of defusing her.

"So, why did you come here?" I started with the easy one. I was hoping the answer wasn’t anything about eating my soul. Or, more embarrassingly, that she would re-affirm my concern about unicorns and virgins. Maybe alicorns were just girl unicorns who worked on opposite rules.

She calmed down as she spoke, "One of my fellow princesses came back from another dimension and brought a "pocket game." I had played a few from my country and enjoyed them very much. The thought of games from a new dimension enticed me. I then used a spell to locate more complex games in another dimension. The spell brought me here."

"Oh..." I died when she finished her explanation. So she was just using me for my video games then?

I guessed that was okay. It didn't hurt much anymore, but I still felt it when she said that. Everybody who ever hung out with me just put up with me for my stuff. I'm not very likeable. At least she was honest. And now I knew where to categorize her. Even if she was magic and telekinetic and an alicorn (whatever that was) she was still just like everybody else. Stupid.

We lost again, ten to one. She muttered something angrily, and I just ignored her and started the next match with the same settings.

This time I couldn't focus. I was slightly angry for some reason, and the bots got me quickly. I actually died first, and she managed to get two KOs before she died. I was bitter. "Whatever. You only got more because I got distracted."

She smiled arrogantly. "I got more because I'm a princess! Ha!" She leaned forward and squinted at me as she continued to tease me, "Jealous knave!"

What. A. Bitch.

She was going down. I was ready for it this time. I didn't even notice when we selected the level. That time, she died at one KO, and I got two before I went down. We lost again, but I smiled victoriously anyways. "Who got more this time? This guy! Who only got one?" I pointed to myself with both thumbs as I cheered myself on, and then gestured towards her with my hands open.

She glared angrily, her ears plastered back. "t's not...argh! Though art a cur!" She spit a little when she said cur, holding back her rage.

Rolling my eyes, I discounted her, "Whatever. Again!" I started the level while she was glaring at me.

This time we tied. Two to two. We quickly started the next match in silence, ready to go again. The next time, I got two and she got three. She shouted gleefully,"I win!"

I rolled my eyes in exasperation, "We lost. You just got lucky."

"Grumble on peasant. Your excruciation amuses me." She gloated at me.

"You are a bitch, you know that?" I started the level again.

"And you a coxcomb." She was focused on the television, her ears pointed forward as she played.

Time and time again we improved, getting one or two more KOs every few matches and throwing insults back and forth. I learned a bunch of new words, and I'm sure Luna learned a few as well. One word that we both knew well was, “fuck”. We threw it back and forth frequently.

Every once in a while I would manage to piss her off enough so that she would slip back into saying "'We's and 'Thee's" as I began to call it. I even got her to do the shouting thing once. My fear had all but disappeared. She was all bark and no bite as far as I could tell. After about five hours, we finally won. Five and five to four and four.

I stared at the screen, relishing the victory. She broke the silence and spoke. "We... Won?" I had actually forgotten the original goal right up until then. She began to laugh. "We won!" Quickly she turned and picked me up, spinning with me in a circle as she held me to her chest and laughed victoriously.

I found my fear again. She was soft and fuzzy, but strong. Scary strong. I didn't even know how she held me. She didn't have hands or anything! Her legs just sort of ended. I didn't worry about the finer details right then. I was more worried about her crushing me into her soft fuzzy chest. Her glowing misty hair whipped against my face as we spun. I was surprised to find that it had substance, and wasn't just fog or something.

She held me up and laughed as she looked at me. "And why are you not exuberant, my little churl?"

I knew that one! "I'm excited it's just... can you put me down? And you're a prick."

Flustered, she put me back on my own sweet two feet. "My apologies. And just to clarify, I am not a male. Are you? I... actually am unable to tell." She looked away again.

I stuttered, briefly confused, "No... I mean... Yes, I am a dude. I meant you were being mean and loud and disrespected my space. You know, picking me up and shit without asking."

Her answer was fast and confident, "Yes. I was. I do that sometimes. So I am a ‘prick’, then?"

"Uhh... yeah?" I was surprised at how calmly she said that.

"Then you are as well! We shall be pricks together! The pricks have been doubled! Huzzah!" She gleefully pranced about as I watched her. While she was still stupid, she was entertaining. And she wasn't wrong, I am kind of a prick.

I watched her prance, paying special attention to the sparkles in her misty hair. It seemed like she had stars floating about in there. And a moon on her rump. I wondered how I had not noticed that before. I must have been too focused on the game. So she was space themed or something. That was neat.

"Now that this game has been beaten, do you have another?" Luna looked hopefully at me.

"Actually... I hate to disappoint you, but it's far from beaten. There are several modes, and we've just played one. Additionally, the difficulty is only set to five."

Luna frowned. "'Only' five?" My hand was pulled up to her face by her telekinesis and she inspected it closely before dropping it, "But you have five fingers. That means that you should use a base five system, and most things should be in increments of five..."

I picked my controller back up and flicked the difficulty over to six. Then I put it down and held up both hands. "Ten fingers, actually."

Luna looked at my hands, and then at the screen. Then back to me. A look of realization dawned on her, "Of course! It would have had a zero instead of a five." She scrunched her face up angrily. "Horse apples."

This time I laughed. While I found it funny, it did tell me something. She was pretty smart to understand math in a different radix, even if her assumption had been wrong. And it hadn’t been far off, either. She had just assumed I’d use one hand instead of both. I supposed it was a fair assumption for a creature that didn’t have fingers. I wondered if she used a base four system, one for each limb.

We played for a few more hours, and got very close to beating difficulty eight, but it was soon four in the morning. I felt my performance slipping, and knew no more practice would help. "It's been fun, but I'm falling asleep."

"Ah, the curse of mortals. I shall protect and watch over you while you slumber." She stayed focused on the game. I realized then that if she kept playing on her own, she'd kick my ass at it when I woke up.

"First off, don't. That's creepy. Second, how about I set you up with a different game so you aren't way better than me in the morning? And third, remind me to ask you about the mortal thing in the morning."

She thought for a moment before speaking, "I reluctantly accept your offer, mortal." We finished the match, and I started digging through my games.

I needed something that would keep her occupied for hours, but wouldn't cause her to yell while I slept. I settled on Final Fantasy, an old favorite of mine. It shouldn't be too hard for her, and should keep her entertained while I slept.

I hooked it up while she curiously watched me. "And how does this game work?"

"It's more like a story that you play through. It has secret bosses and hidden items and stuff for you to find as well. You'll figure it out as you go. It'll be fun, promise." I yawned as it booted up, and I handed the controller to her invisible hands.

As soon as the intro started, her eyes were glued to the screen. I walked to the bathroom and took off my shirt and pants. She's a horse thing. She wouldn't mind if I was in my boxers. I'm sure. Plus, I hated sleeping in clothes at all, so she should be glad I was at least wearing boxers. I finished my nightly clean up, and wandered back, all the while thinking through strategies to beat her tomorrow. We had used the same characters every time, we still needed to try out different ones to see what worked best for us. That would probably take all day.

When I got to the room, I found her laying on my bed facing the television. I grumbled a bit and climbed into the bed, shuffling her over a little and rolling so I could see the screen. She was doing fairly well so far. It was hard for me to focus though; I was sleepy and her tail kept drifting into my field of view as it blew back and forth in some sort of ethereal wind. I drifted off quickly, briefly hoping she didn’t eat me or something as I watched the swirling stars.