Patient woke up with a snort as his alarm tore him and the form next to him from the private confines of the dream world. His hoof hit nothing but air and the nightstand at first, before it fell on plastic and a click hit his ears, whereupon the beeping ended. He sat up with a small grin on his face, using the same hoof to grope around again until it touched a slender, beaded thing he tugged on.

A lamp lit up the room, and he looked at the side-mirror to find his mane in a state of horrible tangles. A unicorn mare sat up next to him, one with a blue coat and two-toned blue mane and eyes of a similar hue. "What time is it?" she groaned.

Patient looked at the nightstand, finding an alarm clock that read six in the morning. "Friggin’ dawn," he mumbled.

The mare nodded. "What do you want for breakfast today?" she mused.

"Uuuhhhh…” Patient tried to comprehend the mare’s words. “Probably barley oatmeal, Colgate."

“Sure,” she quietly stated, sliding out of bed with a stifled yawn. She began languidly walking to the door, but stopped as a faint clap echoed into the room. She turned to Patient with a frown. "Is it supposed to be storming today?"

"Dunno. I'll ask Twilight later, though. Maybe Rainbow Dash tells her these things," Patient replied with a shrug as he made to get out of the bed. He trotted up to Colgate and gave her a small, tired smile. "Maybe it's coming from the Everfree Forest."

"Maybe," Colgate sighed, raising a front hoof to open the door. As it swung with a gentle creak, she arched a brow as a series of wet slaps hit her ears. She exchanged a glance with Patient and slowly opened the door fully. Once the door no longer obstructed her from the room beyond, her eyes widened.

Behind a coffee table, and on the couch opposite where she and Patient stood, jerking a two-inch dick off to a loaf of bread sat a young unicorn stallion with a red coat and oily black mane. He moaned lewdly, his small organ dribbling precum like a broken water spigot.

“Babe. Get the knife,” Patient quickly whispered. Colgate nodded and went to retrieve something from under the bed, revealing a glistening, serrated blade with a black handle. She returned to him a moment later, handing him the knife which he gripped in his magic before directing his attention to the masturbating stallion.

“Motherfucker!!” Patient galloped at full sprint towards the intruder before tripping over the oak coffee table in the center of the room. He cursed up and down, standing up and garnering the red-coated stallion's attention.

The masturbating pony looked up and yelped like a filly. He immediately sped out of the room via the front door, turning a sharp right down a hallway outside with his tiny sausage flapping uselessly in the wind as he went. Patient turned to Colgate and sighed. "Babe, stay inside, unless one of those red and black fucks shows up with a wrecking crew. If that happens, find me as soon as you can," he stated.

Colgate nodded, and trotted to him and pecked him on the cheek. "Be careful, honey," she pleaded.

Patient pecked her back with a soft smirk. "Don't worry hun, I'll come back in one piece," he replied, trotting out into the hall and taking a right.

**********

As soon as the yellow unicorn found himself standing outside an apartment complex, he was greeted by Trigger and Distrance. The two had concerned looks on their faces, and one gestured to an adjacent street with a hoof. Patient followed that hoof, and found a dark maroon pegasus mare with an ash gray mane hassling a short teal colt with a comically overgrown head and orange mane.

"Phillydelphia, we have a problem," Trigger groaned. Patient ignored him and zeroed in on the mare, listening to what she was trying to do.

"Sweetie-snookums, why won't you poke my succulent cunt with your tongue?" she asked.

"You're creepy," the colt hissed, hastily backing away from the pegasus that loomed over him. He turned around and galloped as fast as his short legs could carry him, screaming "I need an adult!" as loud as he was able. Immediately after he started running, some stallions of similar color gave chase, flanking the mare and quickly forming a tight circle around the hapless foal.

“Luna Eclipse… there’s a dozen of 'em!” Patient inhaled sharply.

The black and red ponies came closer to the colt, only to break formation as a periwinkle blur dove in from a rooftop. Objects of reddish-brown hue lashed out vehemently at the ponies, forcing them to take a few steps back, revealing to Patient what the figure was. His eyes widened, and he turned to Trigger and Distrance. "Guys, I think we might have a helping hoof…" he murmured.

Trigger lit up a cigarette and watched as the black and red ponies scrambled away from the colt, before the foal's savior darted off after one of them. "Figures she'd be here during an outbreak," he mumbled. "Must be itching to shove her dick in something."

"Now why would she stick her dick in one of those diseased fucks?" Distrance piped up as the ponies who heckled the colt skedaddled out of sight. He turned to Trigger and went on, "That's what her tentacles are for."

"Shut your mouths and let’s fuck up some freaks!" Patient barked, causing the other two to turn to him blinking. They nodded in unison and rushed down the street, briefly pausing to check on the hapless colt. The foal ran into the house, and the stallions left once a series of locks clicked from within.

The trio rounded a few bends, finding empty streets devoid of any signs of life—regular pony, and otherwise. Some shouts of annoyance filled the air, but Patient and his current company could not detect their sources. Exchanging glances and shrugs, the three pressed on, finding themselves in front of a great oak tree with windows and a door built into the branches and bark.

As well as a terrible pony, a four-winged alicorn with three golden horns, a rainbow mane and tail, and a hideous black and red body fought with an earth pony stallion. The earth pony, a brown lad with a blonde mane, a green hat on his head, and a half-heart outlined with silver for a cutie mark, fought back with nothing more than a cart. He spun around, howling furiously, the cart forming a solid wooden shield that twirled with him and deflected the alicorn's attacks—which consisted of nothing more than weak magic blasts and the occasional punch from the hooves.

”It’s like they’re organizing this shit or something!” Trigger complained, waving a hoof at the ongoing spectacle for emphasis.

"Fuck him up, Rupee Heart! Bash that triceratops with the cart!" Distrance cheered, pumping his front hooves up and down as the the alicorn performed a poorly-timed strike with his magic blasts. The cart-pulling stallion deftly dodged the blasts, then rushed up and spun around again, letting the cart's momentum do the rest and clock the mutant pony on his side.

The sickening crunch of the mutant pony’s bones was almost music to Patient’s ears, and a giddy grin came on his face as one of the extra wings on the freak dangled uselessly. This threw the 'triceratops' completely off-balance, and he flapped awkwardly for a moment before the cart slammed into his other side, cracking a second wing like a twig and forcing him to land. "You'll regret this, earth pony!" he hissed in a pained voice, standing up and quickly limping off into another street.

The three unicorns approached the earth pony, who turned to them with a small grin. "He started boasting about being stronger than me," he stated, craning his neck to survey his cart. His grin widened when he saw a distinct lack of hoof-shaped dents, instead seeing two body-sized ones. "Oh well, I've something to do over the weekend; that is, repairing my cart. But hey, at least it helped me today."

"You said it, Rupee," Patient chimed, patting the earth stallion on the withers with a hoof. Rupee nodded and gestured to another street.

"I saw a… a tentacle-y pony chasing after some of those red and black dungheads. They ran from her like she was about to end the world or something," Rupee stated, his grin fading.

The three unicorns gave each other knowing glances. “I think we know who you’re talking about,” Distrance spoke calmly, attempting to keep his usual attitude and composure after watching the recent scuffle.

"You might wanna see what that's about. I have a strong feeling the tentacle-pony is gonna land in hot water otherwise," Rupee replied, nodding. The trio of unicorns nodded back and rushed off to the street he pointed them to, finding it as empty as the ones before it. They slowed to a languid trot, eyes and ears peeled for anything out of the ordinary.

Sounds of clanging metal, hooves bashing against the dirt, and shouting echoed around from the next street over. Galloping at full speed, the three unicorns found a few dozen stallions, all clad in loose-fitting leather armor around their torsos and heads,. All of the armored ponies were wielding woodcutting axes, spears, knives, sharpened and broken cutlery, and anything else that could be improvised as a weapon.

Twenty or so impromptu militia surrounded some of the red and black monsters, taking jabs and throwing sharpened objects at them. The few mutant ponies who dared fight back were quickly put in the dirt by a spear to the throat, an axe blade to the head, or anything similar in nature.

"Leave her alone!" a voice cried from the throng. Patient, Distrance, and Trigger looked up, finding a periwinkle, tentacled form standing on a roof, and the four-winged pony from before heckling a rainbow-maned pegasus mare.

"I can fly faster than this cunt with two wings broken!" the triceratops boasted, chuckling in spite of the fact his broken wings ached.

"With wings like that?" the rainbow-maned mare scoffed, pointing an accusing hoof at the anomaly with a brow raised. "I'm amazed you're even flying at all!"

Patient looked down back at the militia surrounding the rest of the mutants and turned to a larger pony, an earth pony wielding a bloodied baseball bat. The light yellow unicorn nodded, and the militia-pony did the same as he shouted an order. “Take ‘em out!”

The militia charged in, jabbing their sharp instruments into their quarry's stomachs and chests.

Hot red mess spilled from the gaping wounds of the remaining abominations as their entrails slithered hastily from the open wounds. Shrieks of agony and horror were met with even more stabbing, slashing, and cutting. The sounds of bones shattering filled the air with the outcries, but in moments all fell silent. The militia, having killed their prey, turned to the roof the tentacle-pony stood on, gaping in unison as the last abomination rushed and sent himself and said tentacle-pony tumbling to the street below.

"Ember!" Patient cried, eyes widening as the two descended. The four-winged triceratops landed ungracefully onto the ground, but Ember stopped her fall by thrusting her tentacles into the dirt before the rest of her could meet up with it.

“Don’t touch the one with the tentacles, she’s on our side!” growled Trigger as the trio of unicorns trotted up to the messy, bloody ground where the two had landed.

"Bastard had the temerity to punch me in my ovaries!" Ember complained as she lowered her hooves to the ground and pried her tentacles out of the dirt. The militia approached the four-winged asshole, but stopped when a tentacle was waved in their direction. "This one's mine," she snarled, thwacking the triceratops upside the head with a tentacle and smiling as he went limp.

“Whoa…” the rainbow pegasus murmured as she landed next to Ember, admiring the mess and the limp triple-horned alicorn.

“Rainbow.. .just… leave the cleanup to us,” Patient quickly interjected, waving a hoof at the militia as he spoke.

“Sure… Patient?” she half-asked, attempting to remember the yellow unicorn’s name from their initial meeting years ago.

Patient nodded and turned his attention to Ember as Rainbow Dash flew away, and the militia dispersed. He watched as she hefted up the monstrosity that allegedly punched her in the ovaries with her tentacles. "Say, do you need a helping hoof with that?" he asked.

Ember jerked her gaze to the trio of unicorns, the tentacle around her horn wriggling for a moment as she bit her lower lip. "Well… he has two non-broken wings, and three horns… I guess I could use the extra hooves," she stated. Distrance trotted around to look at her from the side, immediately spotting the head of the mare's dick as it jutted from its sheath.

"Boys, let's not stall any longer. She's hardening," Distrance stated, turning to the other two unicorns who nodded in understanding.

Author's Note

Rupee Heart is the name for the pony in the newest episode that appeared as a reference to the Legend of Zelda. Dragonborne Fox made me put him in there because she's fangirling.