Or that he's adopted. Either one works...
It all started with a simple question.
“Why don’t you visit Fluttershy’s parents?” Twilight had suggested to Starlight over a cup of tea. The two ponies had been enjoying a moment of respite in the designated tea room of her palace.
“Fluttershy has parents?” Starlight asked blankly.
“Well…of course.” Twilight was nonplussed. “Everypony does.”
“Yeah, well, obviously but…I never thought I’d need meet them.” Starlight scratched her head. “Doesn’t seem too necessary, does it?”
“Oh come on. Aren’t you curious what they’re like?” Twilight pressed Starlight gently. “They came by to visit Fluttershy. It’s a rare occurrence – why don’t you drop by and say hi?”
“I guess that would be interesting,” Starlight said. “Okay, why not? I’ll drop by and say hello.”
Fifteen minutes later
Twilight calmly sipped from her cup of tea. The doors slammed open and she nearly dropped her cup.
Starlight burst into the room, wild-eyed.
“Is she adopted?” Starlight grabbed Twilight and shook her. “Please, tell me she’s adopted!”
“I—take it you met Fluttershy’s parents,” Twilight said weakly.
“I dunno.” Starlight shook her head distractedly. “Did I? Were they real? Or am I dreaming?” She slapped herself a few times. “No. I’m not. But they’re…the father? The weird guy with an obsession with clouds? Is that mayonnaise on his head or hair?”
“Oh come on,” Twilight said. “That’s not very nice. You didn’t just judge them on their appearance, did you Starlight? Because if you did, I would be very disappointed in you.”
“No, I got to know them and then judged them,” Starlight snapped. “And believe me, it took only a few sentences before I had to get out of there.”
“Okay.” Twilight righted her spilled cup of tea and poured herself some more. “Tell me what was so wrong.”
“What’s with her parents?” Starlight paced around Twilight, talking frantically. “They—they’re like freakish carbon copies of her. Carbon copies mixed with stupid. How did they ever grow up to be adult ponies without dying of a heart attack from seeing their own shadows? And how did they ever have foals? ”
“The natural way I assume,” Twilight said.
“Really? It must have been a miracle. I would have expected them to take one look at each other naked and then die of shock.”
“Look Starlight, I think you’re making mountains out of Diamond Dog hills,” Twilight said soothingly. “I know what you’re talking about, but Fluttershy’s parents are just like her. They’re timid, that’s all.”
“They’re doormats for anypony to walk over, that’s what they are.” Starlight said irritably. “How they ever managed to get through life…”
“They raised Fluttershy, and I think we should all be grateful for that,” Twilight said reprovingly. “Now, have a seat. You met them, and didn’t like them. But it’s over, so you can forget about it, alright?”
“I just think it’s too bad.” Starlight collapsed into a chair and sighed. “It’s not their fault of course – I just think it’s sad.”
“How so?” Twilight asked.
“Well…” Starlight spread her hooves. “I just assumed Fluttershy’s parents would be more interesting. I mean, my mind was buzzing with possibilities of what they could be like. When you think of someone like Fluttershy, you have to wonder if her parents are totally different from her, and that’s what made her into the shy pony she is. But no, they’re just like her. That’s disappointing.”
“Starlight.” Twilight fixed her protégé with a stern eye. “It’s not nice to judge other ponies like that. Mr. and Mrs. Shy are nice, and even if they aren’t assertive, they’re perfectly…”
“—Useless,” Starlight said, nodding.
“…Respectable,” Twilight said after some thought.
“Useless.” Starlight sighed, ignoring Twilight’s glare. “But at least I see how Fluttershy became…Fluttershy. And you know, when I think about it…”
Starlight trailed off. She stared at a wall and blinked a few times, then looked back at Twilight.
“Actually, I really respect Fluttershy now. Not that I didn’t before! Because I didn’t. In all honesty. But if you think about it, isn’t it a miracle that Fluttershy became the stable, assertive pony she is today? Why, she’s practically a daredevil compared to her family!”
“Fluttershy is certainly more…adventurous than her parents,” Twilight said carefully. “But I, uh, think she’s the quiet child in the family, to be honest.”
“What?” Starlight exclaimed. “She’s a thousand times better than those doormat doorknobs with door handles for brains—waitaminute.” Her eyes narrowed. “There’s another child?”
“Zephyr Breeze.” Twilight grinned nervously. “He’s quite…quite the character. In fact, he’s here too, visiting Fluttershy. Would you like to meet him as well?”
“No!” Starlight said instantly.
“He’s quite eager to meet you,” Twilight said.
“I’m not eager to meet him! And how does he know who I am, anyways?”
“Well, he’s not eager to meet you yet,” Twilight amended. “But he wants to meet me. He uh, had the idea that styling the Princess of Friendship’s mane would be a great way to launch his career. I’m a little…little busy at the moment, so I delegate you to meet him and give him my apologies.”
“No!” Starlight stood up in agitation. “The parents were bad enough, and you’re telling me Fluttershy has a brother? I never knew she had any relatives to begin with! How in Equestria did no pony ever tell me this before anyways? I assumed this would be more common knowledge!”
“Look, just meet him for me and tell me what you think.”
“No! You can’t make me! Wait! Stop!”
A magical hand picked Starlight up and carried her over to the window. It opened, and the hand tossed Starlight out.
“Twilight!”
“Tell Zephyr I said hi!” Twilight called out the window. “And uh, don’t come back until he’s gone!”
She listened to Starlight’s fading scream of rage and then closed the window. And bolted it. That done, Twilight walked over to the doors leading into the room and locked them as well. After a few moments, she dragged a sofa over and put it in front of the doors.
Then she sat back and began drinking more tea.
Five minutes later
The door to the tea room didn’t burst open so much as explode. Twilight was blasted off her chair and pin wheeled into a handy wall which broke her fall. Bits of wood and masonry rained down around the miraculously intact tea set as Starlight Glimmer appeared in the doorway. Her horn was glowing, and she was shaking with unsurpressed rage.
“That was the worst episode of my life,” she said into the smoldering silence. “What the hay am I saying? That was the worst five minutes of my life. Hooves down, no comparison.”
“I take it you met Zephyr Breeze, then?” Twilight asked weakly. She picked herself off of the floor, wincing a bit. “Uh, how did it go?”
Starlight stared at Twilight. After a few minutes she began to garble. It sounded like words, but either Starlight wasn’t able to pronounce them fully or she was having some kind of seizure. Maybe both.
Twilight waited until Starlight became comprehensible, and then until she stopped swearing.
“You didn’t like meeting Zephyr, I take it?” She asked.
Starlight turned her bloodshot, slightly bulging eyes to Twilight. “That abomination can’t be Fluttershy’s brother. He just can’t!”
“Not a fan?” Twilight said nervously.
“Why—why does a stallion have a beard shadow!?” Starlight tore at her mane. “ Ponies are covered in hair. Does he shave some it off, or what?”
“Okay, his physical appearance isn’t great,” Twilight said, “but I mean, you can’t judge a pony based on looks—”
“Can’t it?” Starlight grabbed Twilight and stared at her. “Can’t I? He looks nothing like any other pony I’ve ever met! Seriously! And he doesn’t act like any pony I’ve ever met! Have you talked to him?”
“…Briefly,” Twilight admitted with a wince.
“He’s obnoxious!” Starlight screamed at Twilight. “And lazy! And stupid! I’m not talking just weird or crazy in a good way, or even derpy like Derpy! He’s a bonafide, real-life moron!”
“Look,” Twilight tried unsuccessfully to prize Starlight’s hooves off of her, but the other unicorn had her in a death-grip. “Don’t you think you’re slightly overreacting? He’s just one pony—”
“He’s an affront to nature!” Starlight shouted. She let Twilight go and started pacing around again. “He’s obnoxious, rude, lazy—”
“I’m sure Zephyr has some good points,” Twilight said weakly.
“Oh yeah, he thinks he does. As for me? I’d like some proof he isn’t a waste of space!” Starlight said. “Fluttershy told me about his antics. Dying a bunch of animals in probably toxic dyes? For that matter, why would Rarity let Opal anywhere near her equipment? And—and why is her bed in her workroom? I’d think you want to keep sheets and pillows away from permanent inks, but—”
“You’re getting off track here Starlight,” Twilight tried to guide the unicorn into her seat.
“Oh, am I? Maybe I am.” Starlight stared blankly at Twilight. “You know, Fluttershy and Rainbow Dash sing?”
“I have heard them, yes.” Twilight said drily.
“They had a nice song about trying again,” Starlight was beginning to twitch. “They sang it to encourage Zephyr. And—and—”
“And?” Twilight said encouragingly.
“He ruined the song by singing!” Starlight screamed at Twilight. “Fluttershy had this great musical number in her cottage and then he started and—and—” She gestured wildly, flailing her hooves over her head. “No. No! No, no, no, no, no!”
“Stop shouting, Starlight!” Twilight raised her voice. “Calm down! Honestly, even if you didn’t like Zephyr, it doesn’t mean you can just nitpick every fault he has! Well, you can, but that’s not fair!”
“Watch me!” Starlight snarled. “I hate that pony’s guts! I’d be glad if I never saw him again! Ever! In fact, I wish I could go back in time and prevent this from ever happening!”
Starlight’s horn began to glow. Twilight tossed her cup of tea of it and Starlight’s spell fizzled out. “Oh no,” she said. “No, you can’t just change time for every little problem! Zephyr is…Zephyr, but he’s living…with his parents. Out of your mane and mine. So just leave him alone, and don’t shout at me. Or him.”
Twilight began righting her upturned furniture and putting the destroyed room back in the semblance of order as Starlight sulked. “I know you’re upset,” she said, “but I hope you were at least civil to Zephyr. You didn’t shout at him, did you?”
“Oh, I did far worse than shout at him,” Starlight said darkly.
“What was that?” Twilight paused as she lifted her burning sofa upright.
“Oh, nothing.” Starlight stared out the window. “It’s just that after meeting Zephyr, I had…a little episode, let’s say. Fluttershy might talk to you about it later, but I don’t think Zephyr will.”
Twilight stared at the other unicorn. “Where is he?”
Starlight shrugged. “Who knows, Twilight? I just met Fluttershy’s lovely brother, had a nice chat with him, and left.”
“Is he alive?”
Starlight spread her hooves. “Who can say?”
“Hurting ponies is a crime, Starlight,” Twilight said slowly. “If I find out you hurt somepony, I would have to put you in Tartarus.”
“Who, me?” Starlight looked around feigning surprise. “Would I hurt anypony?” Then she looked back at Twilight and bared her teeth. “And if I did, who would ever find the body? I’m a (former) criminal mastermind, Twilight. If I ever hurt anypony, I’d dispose of the evidence, right? I’d probably bury the body deep, after chopping it up into little bits and blasting the pieces to ash. If I were to ever do something so heinous, that is.”
Twilight stared at Starlight. Starlight stared back, her eyes half-lidded, not a sliver of guilt on her face. After a moment Twilight looked away.
“Well, that sounds pretty clear to me. And I’m sure any missing ponies can be found by the local law enforcement,” she said. “Besides which, once they know it’s Zephyr Breeze that’s missing, I’m sure they’ll look…twice as hard. Rainbow Dash might even join in the search once she’s finished throwing a party.”
“Good!” Starlight smiled. “Now, shall we have more tea?”
“Let’s.”
Twilight poured more tea into their cups and the two ponies sat in meditative silence, sipping occasionally and avoiding direct eye contact.
“…You didn’t really kill him, did you?” Twilight asked after a while.
Starlight rolled her eyes. “No, I just taught him a lesson.”
“What did you do?”
“I shaved off all his hair. Not just his mane, but his tail and all his body hair.”
“Ooh, nasty. But I admire your restraint.”
“—And then I made him eat it.”
“Starlight!”
“What?”
“Good job. You’re definitely my best student.”
“Aw, thanks Twilight. Does this mean I’m not going to get in trouble for trying to behead him with a kitchen knife?”
“…No, no. You’re still in trouble for that. Uh…did you kill him?”
“No. He ran away.”
“Pity.”
“Just…just tell me this is the last surprise you guys have. I can’t take these kind of sudden revelations, okay Twilight?”
“…”
“Twilight?”
“Well, if you thought this was interesting, wait until you meet Rainbow Dash’s sister.”
“What!?”
