I Will Face Celestia and Walk Backwards Into Tartarus!

by Protopony350

Rating: teen
Tags: Other, Horror, Random, Princess Celestia, Main 6, Gore, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Comedy
Length: 2431

He arrived on a Tuesday, and the world shuddered in terror. None of them would ever be the same, especially Rarity's poor door frame.

Is was a quiet Tuesday morning when he arrived. None were prepared. He walked with a confidence rarely seen in even Celestia herself, and he had a radiance about him that could make even the most powerful of warriors swoon. his name was Dril, and everypony waited in eager anticipation for what he had planned for their little town.

And then he opened his mouth.

Based on this thing.

Blame PresentPerfect for this one.

Published 2016-08-30 21:10:01 UTC
Last updated 2016-08-30 21:10:01 UTC

He Spoke Words of Evil, and We Loved Every Moment

Ponyville, as the reader most certainly knows, is a small town that houses many types of ponies. This isn't particularly important to this story, but it is a fact nonetheless.

Dril, as the reader most certainly does not know, is a tall, lanky, and dashingly handsome stallion who has many talents and wisdoms to share. This is particularly important to this story, and this is why I have shared this fact with you.

And as these things usually go, this is a particularly important day for Dril, and, as circumstances have willed, it is also a particularly important day for Ponyville, and, as these things usually go, this also makes it a particularly important day for the reader.

The Pony, who is named Dril, had just finished his cleansing of the none important, though it is noted as becoming much more important after today, town of Appleloosa. With smoke and screaming he left this once town a much more Dril kind of place. The kind of place a Pony, who happened to be named Dril, could be proud of.

So Dril, the pony this story is based upon. moved forward, with his eyes set on his next target. A town laced with sin and the ever growing seeds of aforementioned sin.

As you, the dear reader should be able to surmise from previous context clues, Dril is quickly approaching the small town of Ponyville.

The town of Ponyville just so happened to be celebrating one of its by-daily festivals, and Princess Celestia herself was in attendance. Princess Celestia, as the reader most certainly knows, is a very important pony. as the reader most certainly does not know, Princess Celestia is also a, as Dril would put it, "a total sham of the higher power and a disgrace to the crown of the people, and I also saw her litter once!".

To Dril, Princess Celestia, and by extension, Ponyville, was the catalyst of sin and the ever growing seeds of aforementioned sin, and thus must be cleansed immediately.

"I saw her throw that popsicle stick and accidentally miss the trash can," he said under his breath as he marched forward, ever sure of his holy duties.

CAMERA FADE OUT

FADE IN ON PONYVILLE TOWN SQUARE.

Twilight Sparkle, who Dril once called "The Pallbearer of Sin!!!", was busy trying to keep Princess Celestia entertained, so she was completely oblivious to the dark cloud of pure unholy eviltude that slowly approached the town, and that, surely by coincidence, had hovered above Dril for the past 35 years.

The holy 35 year old pony stepped into the lovely sin-ridden beautiful town of hatred, and announced himself with all of the charm he is known for.

"CHANGES ARE AFOOT IN THIS SIN TOWN, AND I AM THE BULLET IN THE CHAMBER OF THE CHANGE GUN!" he said with wit and charm, his beauty captivating every mare in the flea-infested dump of a ville.

The ponies immediately ran to him with great interest.

"What's a gun?" asked Rainbow Dash, who had a turtle named tank, and was taken with the handsomeness of Dril.

"It's a sin to talk about guns, and I'm here to stomp out sin, and by extension, stomp out guns!" causing Dash to swoon and think of sinful things, like guns and other things.

The crowed grew, and soon Twilight noticed that the cabbage festival was growing ever the empty.

"Excuse me Princess, I need to get to the bottom of this," Twilight said, completely unaware that stupid Celestia had been asleep for many "pony hours".

Twilight arrived to find that 17 ponies had swooned to death. These ponies were no doubt full of sin, or guns, so they deserved to die anyway.

"Um, excuse me, what's going on?" the Twilight asked, and thus drew the attention of Dril.

"I'm cleansing the road and taking names!" he said, putting the gun back into his pocket. Dril sets out to destroy sin, but is not arrogant enough to say he is without sin, so this is why he always carries 8 loaded guns.

Twilight grew even more curious, and approached the Dril.

"I'm sorry, but you're interrupting our festival! I put REAL ACTUAL TIME into this, so please can we take this commotion to town square?" she asked, trying to cover for the fact that she actually used "canned time substitute".

"A FESTIVAL? Perfect for the show!" Dril said, and he ran into town, pulling the not aforementioned giant bag of mystery behind him.

As the dear reader should know, Dril has a masterful plan to rid this town of guns. He ran into the town square, and began the construction of his mighty stand!

The sound of screw drivering and hammering shook the rickety little town, and especially perturbed a unicorn who, as the reader most certainly knows, is named Rarity.

Rarity, the sinful, yet least sinful pony in Ponyville, failed to open her door to see what the fuss was all about.

"Excuse me, why are you blocking my door?" she asked with beauty in her voice.

"I've gotta finish my stand in time to cleanse the evils of drugs and teen pregnancy!" Dril proclaimed.

"That's all well and good darling, but why, may I ask, are you setting up your stand directly in front of my door?" she asked

"Because I won't let those uppity rats in Parliament decided when and where I can set up my stand!" he replied, hammering the nails deeper, forever uniting his stand with the door frame of Rarity's boutique

Rarity, who surly didn't own any guns, popped her head out of her window, and got her first look at the chillingly hot Dril.

Dril's heart skipped 400 beats. After he was resuscitated, he knew that he had found the most pure and gunless pony in Equestria.

Rarity, somehow, was not immediately taken with the splendor of Dril.

"Um, Darling, do you think you could let me out of my house, please?"

Dril took a moment to contemplate these words.

"I am sorry my love, but the stand waits for no man!" and he continued to build.

Twilight caught up with Dril, and sprung into action!

"Spike, send a letter to the Princess for help!" she ordered.

Spike sent the letter 12 feet to the sleeping Celestia, who went "geh", brushed the letter away. and continued to sleep.

"It looks like I'm on my own this time!" said Twilight, as she dashed toward Dril at the speed of all of her sin!

"This is my right as a citizen!" Dril said, and he pulled out a gun and shot Twilight right in the face.

Dril had cleansed her of her sin.

"I bet she had a gun," he said.

TO BE CONTINUED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

They Would Fallow His Words Into Hell

Now Dril, sinless as he was, found himself with a dead Princess at his hooves, and in his wisdom, realized that an explanation would be in order.

"The liberals put her in power so they could get a gun next to the crown," he said, while continuing to hammer away at his glorious stand.

Well the surrounding ponies were mighty conflicted. Do they arrest their new hot friend, or sweep this little murder under the rug before Celestia awoke?

"WHAT HAVE YOU DONE?" screamed Rarity, who was clearly confused as to the circumstances of this mercy killing.

Dril, in his charm, had a plan.

"Ponies, take that body," and he pointed at the bleeding corpse of Twilight Sparkle.

"and toss her through this window", he masterfully said.

Rainbow Dash eagerly grabbed her friends limp body and tossed her into Rarity's house, hitting Rarity and knocking her onto her sweet sweet behind.

"Now I have no choice but to expand my stand." and so he continued building his stand for the cabbage festival.

For 12 minutes, and no longer, he worked.

Now would be a mighty fine time to explain the complexities of the "Sinless Stand" that is being built. Now SOME people would call what Dril is about to do "gun trafficking", but these people clearly do not understand the struggles of ending sin, and the temptations that sin presents to the ponies of Equestria. No, anyone who does not understand why it is perfectly fine for Dril to sell guns at the cabbage festival, especially to minors, may just be a downright idiot.

Now it was about this time that Pinkie Pie had convinced Applejack to confront her fear of cabbages, and visit the festival for a few or 8 hours.

"Alright you sinful hoofers, I'm selling you liquid salvation here, so get in line or get the butt of this beautiful rifle, only 249.95!" Dril announced as a line began to form to his stand, now completely covering the front of Rarity's house.

Applejack froze in place. It was glorious. It was like nothing she had ever seen. A transcendent six shooter had caught her eye, and nothing would keep her from it. She rudely cut to the front of the line, which is a sin, and got right in Dril's face.

"AH NEED IT!" she demanded.

"You'll need the deluxe package to make up for all of this sin, so I think a fair price would be a single hat that is on your head right now!" he said. This was of course a test to see just how willing she was to cleanse herself with a sinful gun.

Applejack turned white, and contemplated the situation.

Meanwhile, for some reason someone was screaming, scratching. and sobbing at the door that was now the back of his stand, but that isn't important right now.

Applejack began to shake. She needed this gun. She had to have this gun.

Applejack grabbed the gun, and ran.

The dark cloud of evil expanded, and hail began to fall as Dril jumped onto the gun table.

"YOU FATHERLESS SWINES, GRAB A GUN AND HELP ME HUNT!" Dril demanded. The ponies, especially Rainbow Dash, were compelled to follow him.

The 200 ponies ran, guns in hooves, all with one purpose in mind. Applejack must die, and her sinful ways must be cleansed.

She was chased for like 20 minutes to an hour, and eventually they cornered her behind Rarity's stand-house.

"YOU APPLE BITTIN RIGHT WING GUN NUT, I'LL SHOOT THE SIN OUTOVYA!"

"Please, I just had ta have it! It was callin to me!" Applejack pleaded, the dark cloud of evil enveloping her being.

"I WILL FACE CELESTIA AND WALK BACKWARDS INTO TARTARUS BEFORE I LET A THIEF GET AWAY WITH SINNING!" he said

"Did somepony say my name?"

Celestia landed between Dril and Applejack, fire in her eyes.

"I WARNED YOU!" he said.

Him and his followers did just what he said.

Backwards, they began marching to Tartarus.

The Words that Would Banish Sin

You may think that slowly walking from Princess Celestia herself all the way to Tartarus would not be an easy task, but Dril was prepared for everything.

"The weight of sin bares down on this wicked town," he said, whistling the theme from a tv show long forgotten.

Dril knew, like with most towns, he would probably have to open a portal to Hell, so he called his followers to him, his dark cloud compelling them to obey.

"THROW THE GUNS, YOU HICKS!" he ordered. They piled their guns onto the stand, and the ground began to shake.

"You all know that we need a sacrifice, but I ran out weeks ago," he said matter-of-factly.

They needed a sacrifice to open the portal to Tartarus. They needed a pure sacrifice.

"Alas, my love, you are the key to this towns salvation. Get up in there you leftest hack!" he said, and thus Rarity, along with her house and the glorious stand, were sucked into the ground, opening a portal to Tartarus!!!!

"WHAT IN THE FIERY HELLS OF TARTARUS ARE YOU DOING?" Celestia screamed, not realizing that she used funny wording right there.

"CLEANSING YOUR SORRY FLANK, YOU RACIST TOILET SCRUBBING LITTERBUG!" he said triumphantly.

Fire and monsters erupted from the portal, and Dril slowly disappeared into the hellish portal, quickly followed by Rainbow Dash.

"Now my dear horse, I need you to take this AK-47 and bring Applejack to me," Dril ordered, as he sat on his fiery throne in the center of Tartarus.

From above all he could hear was the sound of screaming. Screaming. Screaming.

Rainbow Dash returned, but she had made a mistake.

"I didn't ask for the yellow one you twerpish bafoon," Dril barked.

Rainbow had been a little over zealous, and brought Fluttershy along with Applejack.

"Now you also have to pay," he lifted his gun to Rainbow Dash, but a beam of light shot it from his slimy resplendent glorious tendril.

Princess Celestia had broken through Dril's army of gun-toting warriors, and found the body of Twilight Sparkle.

"I'LL KILL YOU, YOU DEMON!" she screamed as she projected the power of an entire solar flare at him.

"NO!"

Rainbow Dash took the shot, and was evaporated.

"No, what are you? Why are you HERE?" cried Celestia through tears.

Dril stood up, walked to her, and gave her a hug.

"I'm just a God fearing pony trying to make the world a better place,"

He grabbed her by the horn, and snapped it right off.

Now, as you probably know, an Alicorn's horn holds all of their power. Celestia screamed as she blinked out of existence, and Dril absorbed her power.

Without a word, he tossed the horn like a cool ninja right at the shocked Applejack, killing her instantly.

Suddenly everything began to shake, and Tartarus vanished. All of the ponies who were under Dril's control went back to normal. Hundreds were dead, the town was in flames, but he was victorious.

"I've cleansed your town of the dirty sinner Applejack, now you can live happy gun free lives," he said, stepping over a blood stained rifle.

Dril, the most handsome of all, had saved the ponies from sin, and everyone was happy.

The Pony, who is named Dril, had just finished his cleansing of the none important, though it is noted as becoming much more important after today, town of Ponyville. With smoke and screaming he left this once town a much more Dril kind of place. The kind of place a Pony, who happened to be named Dril, could be proud of.

-WRITTEN BY DRIL 2016 DO NOT STEAL OR FACE ME IN THE RING!