I opened the door and the hallway was dark, only illuminated by the candles that surrounded it, they guide me to the living room where there were tons of muffins of all flavors along with a milk carton and a glass enclosing a portrait. I chose the first one I saw, which was my favorite: chocolate chips. As I eat them all let me tell you a story, a story about forgiveness and make peace with the nearest ones, I just have a few minutes left anyway.
It all started several days ago, at dinner where I was cooking my favorite dessert for my family: muffins. My husband and my daughters were my most pride overall and I was so proud of them.
“Who wants more?” I asked them.
“Me, me, me, me, me!” That’s my youngest daughter Dinky, always as energetic as I.
“Are you sure you don’t want more?”
“No thanks, I’m taking care of my body and what I introduce to it,” she’s my oldest daughter Amethyst Star, going through the crisis of youth we known as adolescence. I and Dinky called her Amy even if she didn’t like it.
“Dear I need to go. I’m in a hurry,” and he’s my husband Time Turner, although everypony referred to him as ‘Doctor.’ We were so happy together until that day.
“Who wants more?!” I asked.
“Mom...” Amy sighed. “We need to talk.”
“What’s happening?”
“We can’t continue eating this. Do you know how much fat and carbohydrates these things has? And how much time you need to get rid of them?”
“Amy don’t said that. Mommy’s muffins are the best.”
“You know I’m right Dinky. And please stop calling me Amy, I feel like a filly every time you say it.”
“Timey, tell something to your daughter.”
“Listen Ditzy, although Amethyst Star shouldn’t raise her voice to you,” he sighed. “She’s right”
“That’s why I cooked tonight’s main course,” said Amy.
“What do you mean? I always cook the dinner.”
“And I appreciate it but now somepony else has to take over.”
She went to the kitchen and came back in seconds. She displayed a green vegetable salad and putting it on the table she proceeded.
“I called it ‘the healthiest salad you’ve ever taste.’ Come on, just a nibble. It’s delicious.”
“I can’t.”
“Why?”
“It looks... gooey and nasty and... gross.”
“How would you know you like it if you’ve never tried?”
“Ok, fine.”
I took a little piece and munched the tiniest part. It was like a rotten cupcake or a rotten muffin covered in pus exploding in my mouth and spreading its viruses every time I chewed it, transforming into a pap full of mud when I swallowed it.
“You were right. It’s... delicious.”
“Great,” said Amy happy. I wasn’t joyful in any other way but I only wanted to see her smile. “Another bite?”
“No thanks. I think I had enough.”
I retired from the table and never saw them in the rest of the night, not because I suddenly didn’t like them but I was feeling bad. My stomach continuously stirred and I had to find a chair to rest every once in a while. Only Dinky approached me from time to time.
“Mommy are you ok?”
She was constantly checking my vital signs, I always said that I was fine just to tranquilize her. She was really smart and mature for her age, I wish I could say the same for Amy: she constantly was irritated with me or with everypony else and she looked Dinky with remorse so often I thought she was going to hit her. I only had one choice: spoke to her. I went to her bedroom, she was lying on her bed, and I sat next to her, tucking her in.
“Amy, are you ok?”
“Stop calling me Amy. You already know that.”
“Why are you always mad with me?”
“You always indulge Dinky no matter what she does. It’s like you love her more.”
“That’s not true, we love both of you in your own way.”
“That’s another way to say what I just said. You never did that with me, you and dad barely spent time with me. I felt alone and I’m still alone,” she spoke cogging with tears falling from her eyes. “Where were you on my birthday parties?”
“I was busy saving the world.”
“Of what? Not receiving their notifications? For fourteen birthdays you did the same. Where were you when those girls were bullying me IN FRONT OF MY HOUSE? Where were you when I graduated? Where were you when I lost my job as Ponyville’s best organizer?”
Then something horrible came to my mind.
“You’re still having visions?”
“No mom. Please just leave me alone.”
“I’m sorry. I know you’ll be fine.”
“I’m fine. It’s my feelings that are mad.”
“Oh sweetheart, I’m sorry. I wasn’t conscious about the damage I was doing to you. I only hope you can forgive me.”
“No! I can’t forgive you. And I don’t accept your tuck-in!”
We kept quiet for a few minutes.
“...I understand. These things take time. Good night.”
I retired to the living room, where I sat on the couch in front of the chimney. I didn’t remember closing my eyes, after that I only recall silence, an intense light coming from the fire and calm and nothing more. The next thing I remembered happening was me in a place where everything looked like marshmallows. The floor itself was what stood out more because it was like muffins top, with chips and all that good stuff. I began to jump and it felt spongy, I was laughing joyfully. Sticking out of the landscape where giant statues of me, Timey, Dinky and Amy, all made of platinum, that sole detail wowed me. Princess Luna came out of nowhere, I immediately stopped doing my things to pay her attention.
“Welcome my dear,” she said to me.
“Where am I?”
“You’re... asleep.”
“Then this must be the most perfect dream I’ve ever had. I don’t have words to describe it, it’s like... if everything I love is found here.”
“Indeed and the best part is this entire place is all yours.”
“What’s going on here?”
A voice interrupted us, once the big shadow got in I figured out who it was.
“Princess Celestia!” I exclaimed happily.
“Sister, you came just in time! We have a new host in here, I was just welcoming her.”
“I know but I’m not sure if she deserves this... how should we called it?” she thought for a moment and then blinked, indicating she had the answer. “Sanctuary.”
“But I’m a good pony. I care about others, I help them from time to time, I love my friends and my family. I’m like all the carriers of the Elements of Harmony combined.”
“But there’s still one problem,” said Celestia. “You dropped a pot, an anvil, hay and a piano on Twilight Sparkle before she became a princess. That’s a serious fault.”
I was disappointed and about to start crying.
“But settle down. I’ll give you an opportunity to prove it. You only have to reconcile with the ones you love, make them missed you and remember you, down there nopony will see you, hear you or touch you. Is that fair to you?”
I nodded, pretending I agreed with her despite that not being true. I wanted to talk to them directly, why can’t I? Maybe Celestia knew about my reaction but I’m not quite sure.
“Ok, I’ll return you to the point you left,” said Celestia. “Use your time correctly.”
She pulled a lever, a shine blinded me and I instantly appeared in an operation room at the hospital, it was morning and I could observe many doctors and surgeons around me. When I tried to get up I noticed I was flying, not with my wings I should say. I felt free for once, I was so careless about my environment that I didn’t notice, in that moment, I could cross through walls. I was impressed but my enthusiasm stopped when I saw my family sitting in the waiting room, I could hear them and I floated to be nearby.
“Why those doctors are with mommy?” asked Dinky. “I only said that she was sleeping with her eyes open.”
“Look Dinky,” said my husband as he was trying to explain her carefully the situation. “There are sometimes when you have to be strong. I know you’re too young to hear this but it’s better for you to be conscious of it right now” his throat was trying so hard to say it. “Your mom... she’s–”
“She’s in a deep sleep,” Amy was hiding her feelings, and she was being direct to her trying to hide her the truth about what happened.
One of the doctors got out of the operation room, they stood up and he gave the notices to them.
“Are you relatives of Ditzy Doo?”
“Yes” said my husband.
“Dinky” Amy said to her little sister. “Go to the playground right now.”
She obeyed and leave the room.
“I regret to inform you that Miss Hooves has passed away.”
The silence surrounded the hospital, everything kept quiet. My entire world collapsed.
“She died during the night peacefully in her sleep.”
“But how?” asked Amy preoccupied, her eyes constantly tried to evade the attention. “She was alright yesterday.”
The doctor pulled out of his coat a bag with the culprit.
“This was the cause.”
They couldn’t believe it. Amy was speechless.
“Why you gave her this?”
“I... I was trying to get her healthy,” said Amy desperate. “All of us.”
“Well you shouldn’t. Miss Hooves had an extreme rare allergy to all existing vegetables, especially the green ones.”
Their faces expressed ignorance, none of them knew it. It was my fault.
“Fortunately for you Doctor your daughters’ blood tests indicate that they’re in excellent conditions, none of them had this genes and none of your grandsons will inherit them. You’re a lucky stallion.”
My body was cremated and when it transformed into ashes they put them into a vessel before they came back to home. After they receive it I noticed that Dinky was, by far, the one who was taking the situation better, although she still thought that I will came back by putting water into the recipient. But Amy was the one who was suffering my lost the most. Her face was so depressed that she wasn’t paying attention to the world around her, running into other ponies and objects in her way and constantly saying the same words over and over again.
“It’s all my fault, it’s all my fault. Now she’ll never love me, now she’ll never love me.”
When they arrived home she took the vessel and ran to her room where she locked. I tried to enter her room but some unrecognized force didn’t permit me, all I could do was hearing her crying.
“My own mother reached out to me, and I rejected her.”
Hours passed and I remained in front of her bedroom. Soon my husband approached her room and knock it. When he noticed it wasn’t locked he opened it, trying to comfort her. Amy wasn’t paying attention to him, she was only observing the vessel next to her bed.
“Get out of here dad,” she said mad, no to him but to herself. “I still can’t believe I killed her. It’s all my fault. Now she’ll never love me for real.”
“Come on Amethyst. Your mom wouldn’t have wanted you to stay in bed forever.”
“Challenge me.”
“Can I do something for you?”
“Leave me alone!”
He closed the door and retired. Since I couldn’t enter her room I decided to reconcile with my youngest daughter and my husband. In fact they were doing something special for me in the afternoon. She was looking for something until she caught him organizing some important photos and saving them in a box down in the basement as he was turning off all his machines.
“Daddy, what are you doing?”
“Hello Dinky. Sorry I didn’t notice you. I’m closing my lab, without your mother this isn’t the same, I’m just thinking about the time.”
“Do you believe in... reincarnation?”
Both kept quiet, reflexing.
“...I don’t know,” he tried his best to explain our daughter. “Sometimes I think there’s a presence which permits you to reencounter somepony even if both souls saw into their eyes for the first time. Your grandpa used to tell me that, implying he knew about and he also supposed I was one more member of a long family. They said I’ll reincarnate into another pony when my times comes. But how am I sure my current life is my own life and not another reincarnation? And if I wanted to know my past lives? And if I’m destined to repeat the same process for all eternity?” he sighed anxiously, trying to put himself together, then silence. “Probably I’ll never know and maybe I don’t want to know. This life is perfect to me, why would I want another one?”
Noticing how her father was getting depressed Dinky tried to distract him by looking at something else.
“What are these?”
“Oh... these are pictures with your mom in them.”
He shared some of them with her.
“I can remember the happiest moments of my life. There she is at her first day of work as a mailpony, here we are on our first date,” he took the biggest one out of the box. “This is my favorite.”
“What happened here?”
“It’s our wedding.”
He took another photo from the box, a weirder one. At first glance one would probably think it was so out of place with the situation but there was a purpose.
“Remember this one Dinky? It’s when we entered a food contest. We brought zap apple jam, bread, muffins, bananas and cupcakes, ready to win the first place. But everything backfired: we crammed ourselves in the pastries and lost the contest but I recall your mom saying ‘I don’t care about the prize, I don’t care if we lost, the only thing that matters is the precious moments I have with you. And this is definitely the most beautiful moment I’ve ever had in my entire life’,” He sighed sadly. “It’s a shame that everything here is in ruins. That makes me sad.”
And then Dinky got the best idea of the world.
“Hey daddy, what about we do something special for her?”
“What do you mean?”
“Well I was thinking of baking her favorite muffins and put them on the living room’s nightstand along with some photos of her? Like a ‘thank you’ gift to her.”
After a moment of though he answered.
“I think that the greatest idea of the world.”
He hugged her firmly and both directed to the kitchen, I naturally followed them. They spent the next couple of hours baking all class of desserts and put them on the nightstand, the only thing missing was the vessel but there was one problem: Amy still had it. Dinky slept away in her room and took away the vessel next to the bed while she was sleeping, then she placed it in the middle of the nightstand, which was covered by muffins.
“I think this is the best you could do for your mother.”
“Thank you daddy.”
From upstairs they heard a scream, my older daughter went downstairs quickly.
“Something horrible has happened,” she said desperate. “Somepony has stolen mom’s ash–”
She soon realized what was occurring and her mood changed to annoyed.
“Why is mom’s vessel in the middle of the living room?”
“This is a ‘thank you’ gift for mom. Now we only need to put water on it and mommy will came back!”
Amy was speechless and frustrated. “You know? For your age and matureness you’re so naïve sometimes Dinky.”
“It’s just a consent Amethyst Star. Let her believe.”
“I had to assume it was that. A consent, like you always do with her.”
“Amethyst Star, I’m sorry we barely spent time with you,” my husband was trying to consulate her. “But I need your support right now, this is the best way for her to assume this situation.”
“...This is the best way, an offering?!” she was pissed off. “No dad, I’ll told you the best way right now.”
She approached my little Dinky and said the most hurtful thing I’ve ever heard.
“Dinky, it’s time for you to stop living in a fairy tale. Your mother can’t be with you anymore, she’s in a deep sleep from which she would never awaken. You must be brave and learn to walk alone.”
“But mommy–”
“Mommy’s not here. It doesn’t work that way, Dinky. I didn’t want to say this to you but I’ve no choice,” she started to cry. “Mommy’s dead and she’ll never come back. And do you want to know why? Because I killed her! But who cares, who cares about my feelings? It’s all my fault and none of you, not even her, can forgive me for what I did!”
She took the vessel and ran away.
“What are you doing Amy?” asked Dinky.
“Something I should have done a long time ago.”
She left the house, both Dinky and my husband followed her but sooner than later lost her. They searched for her in the entire town but they got no results. After research I finally found her, near a cliff in the Everfree Forest. But I couldn’t did anything to prevent her doing what I knew she was thinking to do.
“What if I really wanted to kill her?”
Some little pebbles fell apart from the cliff, she was getting closer to the borderline.
“I’m going to amend fences with you. Forever and ever” she closed her eyes and, with the vessel on her hooves, she stepped forward.
Fortunately many ponies came to the scene, holding her firmly and stopping her. However in the process she dropped the vessel and it broke into pieces, releasing my ashes which were scattered by the wind throughout Equestria, Amy screamed at the top of her lungs desperately frustrated. My family was reunited but at a great cost: my Amy spent three months in an asylum and the same doctors who gave my verdict checked on her. Once she got out she turned aside from her father and sister. They only retracted to their bedrooms once they arrived home. Although they didn’t have anything to put in they bought a headstone for the graveyard. The next day was the funeral and surprisingly everypony went to it, even the princesses, everypony except my family: they felt so apart from the world and themselves and without me they were lost, they didn’t know what to do or where to go. Dinky filled the space left by the vessel with a portrait of mine and changed the muffins from time to time clinging to the hope that I would came back with them. I spent the rest of my existence floating around the house, hopeless and without possibility of entering their rooms. I knew for sure that my bond with my family had been broken.
And here we are, at the nightstand, with candles still lighted up and I almost done with all my muffins, or at least that was I wanted to happen: I didn’t touched any of the muffins thanks to the properties of my body, I’m no longer conscious of time passing and I’m getting ready to accept my destiny. From upstairs I heard hoofsteps from my little Dinky. The candles lit more as she approached me and finally gave me my shadow figure in the background. She was astonish, amazed and scared.
“Mommy?”
She went upstairs and gave the good news to my husband and Amy, she woke them up and both came to the nightstand.
“Ditzy, is that you?”
I smiled.
“My dear, I am heartbreak of your departure, but you’re still in my heart.”
“I love you mommy. Will you come back with us?”
I have a lump in my throat, I didn’t want to tell her the truth but I needed to be brave. Finally I replied her.
“I’d love that happening. But no. I’ll go to my muffin sanctuary.”
“I don’t understand,” Amy asked tired. “What’s going on now?”
“Amy, mommy’s here! Come and see her.”
“Ah! For the love of Celestia, not this again! There’s nopony there!”
“That’s not true, she’s right here!”
But she couldn’t see me unlike my husband and Dinky. She’s neglecting the truth.
“There’s nopony there, it’s just a nightstand with muffins rotting on it.”
“But she needs us to go to her muffin sanctuary.”
“There’s no such thing as a ‘muffin sanctuary.’”
“Could you at least try?” Dinky asked, begging her. “But for real. You must have true love in your heart. Don’t you want her forgiveness of what you did? Don’t you want to amend things with her? Don’t you love her?”
She sighed. “Ok, but I don’t know what I’ll win.”
Amy stood up in front of the nightstand with my husband and Dinky giving her space, she listened what her sister just said and tried with all the honesty in her heart.
“Mom... if you’re really here... I want to tell you... I’m sorry, I just wanted the best for you but now I realize that I was just thinking of myself,” she burst into tears. “I don’t want to live now that I will take the blame of killing you for the rest of my life. If you keep me resentment I don’t blame you and if you don’t love anymore I’ll understand.”
I stretched my hoof to touch her, just feel the warmth of her body would calm me down. For my surprise not only I could do this, but also I could feel her. She finally reconciled me but the question is: ‘Can she see me? Can see hear me? Can she feel me as I am doing?’
“I would never keep resentment to anypony and even less to my own daughter.”
She rose her head and looked at my eyes.
“Mom?” her smile, which had disappear long ago, returned and her eyes watered. “Mom!”
She hugged me, or try to simulate one, and everypony approached and hugged us.
“You must be mad with me.”
“It wasn’t your fault. You only wanted the best for me, even if it hasn’t the answers you wanted. I forgive you, all of us do.”
She looked around to see her father and sister, both with calm faces meaning they do.
“...I’ve been waiting for that answer this entire time.”
“But the real question is...” I had to be brave. “Can you forgive yourself?”
She nodded and go backwards, reuniting with her family. The house shook as bell rings were listened around the house.
“My time has come.”
A light appeared above me and carried me slowly to the sky as I said good bye to all of them.
“Take good care of them Timey, they’ll need you more than ever.”
“Sure honey. I’ll always be faithful to you.”
“I love you Dinky. Don’t worry about me, I’ll live on forever in what you did today.”
“Well, then, Mom, this was for you.”
“And Amethyst Star, as long as you remember me I’ll be always with you.”
“...Call me Amy.”
The light turned off and mom vanished, we never saw her again. After all these years I still can remember this moment that will be in my memories, memories that this diary will keep and someday all my family will reunite with her, somewhere among the muffin sanctuary.
Author's Note
For one who has taken his birth, death is certain; and for one who is dead, birth is certain.
Bhagavad Gita, V Century B.C.
In memory of Manuel, a friend of my sister, who sadly passed away. He was 24.
