Chaos is a Many Sided Thing

by The Baron

Rating: teen
Tags: Random, Discord, Alternate Universe, Human, Romance, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Comedy, Other
Length: 3901

Bored of being hounded by Eris, Discord needs to find another draconequus to palm her off to.

A human at his desk, Discord, an ancient prophecy and a hug-happy Eris....

What could possibly cause these things to meet and will anything good come out it?

50/50 odds. But at the very least, this years chaos quota will be filled.

(Cover art used without permission, will be changed at original artists request.)

Published 2016-06-08 00:00:01 UTC
Last updated 2016-06-08 00:00:01 UTC

When Strangers Come A'Knockin

As I remember, it had been a quiet sort of day. A good template for a Saturday actually. I'd awoken almost in the afternoon and had a long bath before heading into town to meet some friends. A film, a burger and a couple of drinks later we parted ways again and I returned home. It was then, as the summer sun was starting to dip towards the horizon that things took a turn for the different.

Sitting at my desk, idly watching YouTube videos, I became aware of a static charge playing across my skin. Having checked all the plugs and connections, it came to my attention that whatever was causing this static, it was getting stronger.

*Pop*

The sound you get when water leaves your ear came from behind me. Swiveling round, my jaw dropped as what could only be described as a hole in reality was floating in my room now. Perhaps a foot and a half across, edged with a pulsating blue light. Staring into some dark void.

Many things happened in my head at once. Some parts of my brain just waved a little white flag, some began gibbering, others grabbed popcorn and got comfortable. Suffice to say that if I was a little shook up by the fabric of the universe tearing before me, that was minor compared to when something came out of the hole.

A silvering, serpentine something shoot from the wound and rapidly uncoiled itself. Looking on in a mixture of wonder and horror, the thing was (rather worryingly) about seven foot from end to end, mostly made of some brown fluff or fur.

Floating in mid-air, it stretched its mismatched limbs and surveyed the room. Any ideas that may have been formulating in my mind about hiding evaporated as its eyes locked with mine. Light grey, normal peepers, locked with a pair of blood red irises floating around bright yellow eyeballs.

Come to think of it, I wasn't even sure if these were that thing's eyes. But they were close enough to worry me, and so we stared at each other as a long silence built.

In the end, I couldn't hold back any longer. In that very human way, words just fell out of my face before I realised I was talking.

"Can I help you?"

Ah, the perfect blend of British politeness and barely contained sarcasm. That should endear this multi-dimensional being to me. Any more nice phrases, a eulogy perhaps?

The thing stared at me for a moment longer, what ever it was thinking not showing on those eyes, although the huge eyebrows did twitch slightly.

"Sure, why not?" It spoke in a rich, old voice. Leaning towards me, it, no, he I had to concede from hearing it talk, reached out with a talon.

"Just hold still, this may be unpleasant for a moment."

I think he might have understated that part a little. It's hard to put into words, but I'll try; Imagine being kicked in the privates by a boot made of solid dark matter, travelling about seven times the speed of light and carrying a charge of roughly twenty one gigawatts. Difficult I know, but try to imagine.

I can't say for certain, but it felt like every atom in my body had just been separated and spread over a wide area, yet I still maintained consciousness. Honestly not sure how long I was in that state, as my perception was kind of fuzzy. I remember strange blends of sensations coming out of no where. Like one moment would be pitch blackness, the next I could see trees, feel a cold wind bringing the scent of guava fruit. Papers rustled in the breeze somewhere out of my field of view and the undeniable taste of cough medicine lingered in my "mouth".
Then as suddenly as this had came upon me, it was gone and I was in a sensory void again.

This repeated over and over, no two times the same, at least as it seemed to me. Eventually, a new permanent feeling came over me. It was like all my atoms now had little rubber bands connecting them, and they were pulling taut again. I may never know for sure, but from my view, it took years from that point to become whole again. All the while I drifted in and out of those flashes, my only points of reference were the pulling and a slowly growing sense of being complete.

Then just as abruptly as it had began, it was over. One moment I was adrift in nothingness, the next I was back in my desk chair. The thing was withdrawing its talon from my forehead and looking at me with interest again. Various emotions clashed within me, but one simple idea won out.

After what had felt like several lifetimes, I took a breath in, and slowly let it out again. By all the saints, deities and things that lurk between, it was sweet. That air slipped down like nectar and damn near sent me into a pleasure coma.

"Welcome back, now if you don't mind I'm on something of a schedule, so,"

"What did you do to me?" I interrupted, a mix of anger and curiosity in my voice. Damn, just being able to talk again felt good.

"No time for that." The creature snapped frantically. "She'll be here any second, just play along and I'll explain afterwards."

I would have questioned his motives further, but it turns out he was right. Like a trapdoor spider catching its prey, another thing launched out of the wormhole and wrapped itself around my first guest.

"Cordy!" It shouted excitedly in a feminine voice, pressing her face to his.

"I've told you not to call me that." He grumbled back. Wiggling his talon free, he snapped it and caused a crowbar to materialise. With some less than gentle maneuvers, he loosened her grip and slithered out.

"Ok, John De'," She said slyly before yelping as the crowbar came into rapid contact with her scalp.

"I don't go by that name anymore Eris!"

"You don't have to be so mean about it!" Eris shouted back angrily, her eyes welling up with tears as she rubbed a bumb on her head.

As they continued to have a little spat, I cast my eye over this, Eris. Assuming I was right that "Cordy" was the male of their species, then Eris was definitely a woman. Her face was softer, the eyes slightly larger and a long braid of pure white hair reaching down her neck. The fur looked to be finer than her counterpart, and she was definitely more, I think that curvaceous is the word. Not that a gentleman like myself would think that about a creature from another world that he had only just met of course.

"And what is this meant to be?" Oh God, she'd noticed me. Please not the talon again, please not the talon again.

"That is one of my friends and fellow draconequus. I told you I wasn't the only one."

"He doesn't look like a draconequus. Are you trying to trick me again?" She asked while prodding me and examining my ears. A faint scent of coconuts and burnt toast coming off her as she leaned in.

"I'll admit that he's somewhat eccentric in his choice of form, but I can assure you that that is one hundred percent common or garden draconequus. Immortal and capable of warping reality to his every whim. Just. By. Thinking. About. It." The male, "draconequus" I guess, directed that last bit at me with all the subtlety of a bowling bowl.

Eris however was too busy comparing one of my hands to her own to take too much notice. I was pretty sure that I wasn't a draconequus, but this had turned into a very strange day and I wasn't going to dismiss it just yet.

I thought about floating and willed it to be so. Immediately a strange sensation flushed through me, like someone had replaced my blood with sherbet. I felt lighter and couldn't feel the chair underneath me. With a few more thoughts, I inexpertly maneuvered myself into midair and sat there in the manner these two did. It wasn't obvious why I was meant to doing this, but when you're handed this kind of power, you don't just question it right out of the gate.

"That's right, I am indeed a draconequus, welcome to my home." I lied through my teeth, flourishing with a bow that turned into a front flip and back into sitting.

"There, convinced Eris? Now I believe that we had a deal, you don't always have to bother me anymore. So if you wouldn't mind bogging off..."

"And you don't always have to be like this to me!" Eris pouted back. "You'll be sorry when I'm not always there for you anymore."

"I'm sure it will break at least three of my hearts." He said dryly, rolling his eyes.

Gliding across the room, Eris paused in front of the portal to shoot a dirty look his way.

"See you around then." She waved to me before backing into the void. I could be wrong, but I could have sworn that she winked at me as she disappeared.

Reaching over, my new "friend" grasped at the top of tear and pulled it shut like a zipper. Leaning back, he let out a sigh of relief, massaging his forehead with a paw.

"So then, what is this all about?" I asked, doubting that way lead to anymore sanity, but screw it. Buy the ticket, take the ride.

"How long have you got?" He asked back with a grimace.

"Long enough." With a thought I caused a glass to appear in front me. Not a drinking glass as I intended, literally a cup shaped solid lump of glass. Refining my mental image, I got a pint mug to materialise in my hand. Now for the tricky part. With my other hand I grabbed thin air, held the mug beneath it and pulled a pantomime tap. With delight I saw beer flowing from an invisible spout and filled my mug.

As it turns out, simply sitting in thin air isn't all that great, no lumbar support. It had occurred to me that I could have just blocked out the pain completely with a thought or altered my physical form to make it more comfortable. But that seemed a bridge too far at the moment, this power was intuitive but seemed to need a force of will to refine it.

So seeing an opportunity to practice, I took it. My first action was expand the room without altering the exterior dimensions. This time I planned the move out before willing it into reality. Now floating somewhere I could stretch my creative muscles, I had decided that seating was in order.

With a flick of the wrist I conjured an ornate wing back chair beneath myself. That made for more comfortable sitting, but did nothing for a talking environment. Another flick brought forth a matching table and fireplace, both joining us in mid-air. Hmm not enough.

I imagined a kind of spherical grid fifth teen feet across with us at the center. Placing seeds of bismuth at key points, I willed them to grow at a vastly accelerated rate. Geometric patterns bloomed into life all around as the seeds sprouted to form an enclosure. Inside the fire light glimmered off the oily sheen of the walls.

The draconequus nodded approvingly at the new surroundings as I collapsed my pint mug into dust and threw it into the fire, noting with some interest that it tinged the flames a light blue. Another pair of thoughts put fresh tea on the table alongside a decanter of whiskey. One last whim summoned another chair for my guest.

Which he immediately dispelled with a snap of his claw.

"I make my own seating arrangements, thank you." He said snidely, snapping again to make a large, hot pink sofa appear. "You seem to be taking to chaos magic quite well, but it takes a lot of practice to make something as luxurious as I'm used to."

"Thank you. Now, why don't we start with who you are?" I said to the company whilst getting comfy.

"Oh you know fully well who I am." He almost seemed to yawn saying that, idly pointing a finger at the tea. It animated and poured a cup which hovered over to his waiting paw.

I looked back at him quizzically.

"I looked into your mind while you were adapting to having magic, surely the process didn't scramble your brain that badly...Or did the magnificence of my arrival strike you dumb? Flattering as that is, you might want to regain any lost memories. I find going to the mindscape most useful for such things, even with the risk of getting lost. But I guess in a mind as small as yours that's a minimal risk."

Petty insult aside, he had a good point. I imagined stepping inside my own mind and was surprised when a blink later everything changed. Gone were the chairs, the fire, even my room. I was standing alone in a field of tall grass, looking at a grand castle perhaps a mile downhill from my current position.

Looking around, I took a moment to take it all in. It felt real enough, but then I really didn't know anymore. This was just another step on the weirdest day of my life. Had someone taken a stab at what they thought my mind looked like, I might not have chosen one that looked so much like Mirrodin.

But such is life. This was apparently the inside of my head and so I started striding towards the castle. Like a blue steel growth rising from the ground, it dominated the view as I drew closer.

Although not quite as much as the ring of artillery around it. Great guns of all shapes and sizes looked ready to blast me into a fine red mist. Smoke was still drifting from their barrels, bringing an acrid smell on the breeze. They'd been fired recently. Thankfully none of them so much as twitched as I approached, slowly. Walking past them lead to the path over a moat of what looked like molten emeralds.

Passing through an gate less archway, I looked around the entrance hall. The interior was made of the same blue...stuff. Reaching out a hand, I touched a wall that reached up about thirty feet. It was pleasantly cool and completely smooth. Many doors lined the sides of this chamber and a wide staircase lead upstairs at least one level. Light streamed in through holes high in the walls.

It was nice, can't deny. But huge and no signs of where to go. This could take days.

"Too much to ask for a sign?" I muttered aloud.

"Would you settle for directions?" Came a voice.

Jumping at the noise, I turned and was perturbed to see myself coming through one of the doors, dressed in a plain white robe. He, it, I? walked over and stood before me, smiling pleasantly.

"This is weird isn't it? It's not just me?" I asked after picking up my jaw.

"It's all you here. Everything and anything. But yes, meeting like this is weird. Pardon me preempting your next question, I'm a piece of you. May I introduce yourself, to the part of you that seeks to help others in times of need."

"I thought you'd be taller." I grunted back. How do you deal with something like this? I learnt a lot in school, but not once did a teacher mention, even in passing. "That's how to calculate the area of a circle. By the way, if you ever find yourself confronted by a manifestation of your own psyche, the best thing to do is..."

The other me chuckled heartily. "No, they didn't. But I know why you're here and that you want to get out again quickly. Take that door there, down the corridor, past the kitchen, second door on the left. If you hit the pit of wallowing, you've gone too far."

"I have a kitchen in my mind?"

"We get hungry too." He shrugged causally. "Anything else I can help you?"

"No, that'll do for now. Thanks." Headed towards the door he'd pointed at, I heard his footsteps retreating across the room and off to who knows where. As it turned out, my mind does have a kitchen. Shame it seemed to be stocked with ideas in glass jars rather than proper food. Note to self, get some real food in here. The fact that it looked like the kitchen from my first flat seemed at odds with the rest of the castle. But hey-ho.

Walking into the room I was guided to, I opened the door carefully and looked in. It was tiny, and nearly empty. The other things in the room was a pedestal in the center and a large crystal ball stood on it.

Changing images floated in and out of the fog that swirled inside the orb. Looking closer, I recognised them as scenes from my life so far. Reaching out, I touched it gently.

Whamp!

Like that, I was back in my chair. Breathing heavily, I wiped a layer of sweat off my brow. It was like when you wake up after a heavy night out and can't remember anything. Then you see a photo or find a receipt and suddenly memories come rushing back. Only much stronger. I'd gotten everything back, from my first memory back in the crib. That would take some getting used to.

Turning to my guest, I returned his look of interest. "Discord."

"Ok, you've gone for "Discord"." The draconequus was now floating by my other side, wearing a cheap polyester suit. "Our survey says..."
Klaxons sounded and the word winner flashed above the fireplace. An audience of mini-cord's applauded wildly before all disappearing.

"Yes indeedy. I am Discord. The one, and some say true, Lord of Chaos! I see you got your marbles back." He teleported back to his sofa as I poured out a whisky. The implications were coming thick and fast now.

"So its all real? Equestria, the princesses, the whole thing?" Downing my glass, I found not the traditional burning sensation, but rather the taste of chilled apple juice. Discord chuckled.

"Quite. You could go there now if you wanted. But you won't. Not yet anyway. I didn't give you chaos magic for a holiday. You, my little human, will be dealing with a problem for me. After that, do as you please."

"What problem? What can't you conclude with a finger snap?"

"As is so often the case, this problem revolves round me. For once though, I'm not the cause, merely a factor. More importantly, this is a problem directly effecting my well being and I needed an outside source to fix it."

He took a sip of tea and leaned forwards. "When a draconequus is born, we're given a personal prophecy by the elders. It's drummed into us that this is a life or death matter and to ignore it could upset the balance of reality as we know it. Eris is trying to fulfill her prophecy and driving me up the wall in the process. That's where you come in."

"Hang on," I butted in. "Isn't this a good thing? I'd rather not have reality dissolve around us just because you're not happy."

With a sigh, Discord put a claw to his forehead. "Do you truly know nothing of draconequus? Reality won't collapse. The elders are playing jokes on all of us. I've seen them make these "prophecy", most of the time they pull words out of bag and throw them at a dartboard. They are meaningless drivel.

The trouble is Eris has ever faith in the elders and refuses to accept the truth. She truly believes that her destiny is contained within."

Draining his cup, Discord snapped it into a cactus and continued. "Eris was told that she would one day meet another draconequus, and they would be her soul mate. A perfect union betwixt the two and they would bring chaos in harmony together for the rest of time.

Hence why she's been trying to get close to me. This is, problematic to say the least."

Pieces fell into place. I smiled slyly. "Ah, so that's the problem. Perchance has this caused a rift between you and Flutters,"

"What Fluttershy and I are is infinitely more complex than I'd expect you to understand!" He snapped. Seems I'd touched a nerve, for better or worse.

"If you're trying to insinuate that she's jealous or has treated me any differently due to Eris's advances, then you are wrong, stupid and wrong. Again!"

"Fair enough." I didn't believe him, not least of which because of the raised voice and arm crossing. But best not to pick at that wound. "How do I fit into all this? Surely there's another draconequus in some universe you could put her on to?"

"Well reasoned, in theory. Due to the nature of our work, a lot of draconequus are either destroyed or contained. Some even give up their powers or go into hiding. You'd be surprised how few of us there are left in action. It could have taken lifetimes to find another.

Then it came to me one day in the shower. Why not go to a different universe, give some schmuck a hefty dose of chaos magic and let them take care of her? Eris is out of my mane, they get a kick out of it, inevitably spread some chaos and she's happy. Winners all round. Crack out the chocolate milk!"

I could only stare at him for a moment. This was not what I expected. I hadn't expected any of this to happen today, but on the great "What may be" list, this came in near the bottom.

"Let me check I've got this right. You gave me the power to bend time and space, so I could, woo Eris and leave you in peace?"

"That's about the size of it, you lucky dog!" Stretching, Discord rose and floated lazily around. "And now that's all done, I'll be taking my leave. Don't worry about Eris, you could track her down if you really wanted, but she's got your scent now. Probably drop by in a few somethings when she gets bored. Good luck new friend!"

With that, he was gone. Leaving me to sit in front the fire and get to grips with everything. That took a while. In the end I came to the conclusion that the deed was done, so I might as well roll with it. In my hands lay the power of a god, and the only price was to keep the attention of a lovely woman.

Who am I kidding? It was bucking Christmas!

And so began my first day as a draconequus.

Author's Note

Based in part on a lucid dream I had a few months ago when I sick as a dog. Finally got round to writing it and filling in the blanks. Hope you enjoyed it. +)