Eamon E. Mouse, the Welfare Rat
“Hoof Stamps again, Ah see.” Applejack eyed my money. “You know it’s a hassle to exchange these things for actual bits, right? You ever consider gettin’ a job?”
“You hiring? Last I heard most of your extended family was tied up in Appaloosa.” I said.
“Shucks, no. Without an apple on your flank you ain’t comin’ near mah trees.” she said.
“Well, that’s just the pits, isn’t it?”
My name is Eamon E. Mouse, I’m human, and I’ve been a welfare rat in Ponyville for the past year. It’s hard to believe it’s been so long since I… since the real world cast me aside into this demi-plane of pseudo-reality. Buying orange-flavored toothpaste, French’s® ketchup, Heinz® mustard, and fig Jell-O® shouldn’t carry such a heavy punishment.
It’s almost impossible to get a job in Equestria without a cutie mark, so I qualified for Hoof Stamps and Section Neigh Housing. Like Unemployment back home, these programs require their recipients to make token efforts to look like they’re not mooching off the system, which means to keep my benefits I’ve lied like a motherfucker.
“Oh, but Applejack, what about the time the rest of the girls and I-”
“Dangit, Flutters, you ain’t helpin’!” Applejack interrupted Fluttershy. “Y’all are honorary Apples, so it don’t count.”
“Honestly, I’m still flabbergasted this is even an issue. First Contact is a much bigger deal than tramp stamps, but then I guess science fiction isn’t really a thing for you guys.” I said.
“Science fiction? Ain’t that an oxymoron?”
“I’m surprised you know what any of those words mean, hayseed.” I pointed at the pile of fruit. “Now would you kindly give me some apples?”
“Ah dunno, these here apples actually look a little bruised. I can’t just go sellin’ faulty products, it’d tarnish mah family name.” she said.
Fluttershy was standing over the apples and inspecting them. “Um… They look fine to me...”
“Don’t listen to her none, Eamon. You’re a ward of the State, so you’ve got the Celestia-given right to spend mah tax bits on mah apples. Surely you deserve only the best.”
I shrugged. “That’d be nice, but I prefer to buy in bulk. That’s why I’ve patroned your farm so much in the past.” Fluttershy was saying something, but it was too quiet for me to hear, so I ignored her.
Applejack grit her teeth. “Then it’s sure a shame how high taxes have gone. Y’know, you could do somethin’ about that.”
“All I’m hearing are reasons for you to take my money.”
“It ain’t money, it’s thievery.”
“Gosh, I hope Applebloom never hears you talking like that! I’d hate for her to feel even worse about not having a mark.”
Applejack reared up onto her stand. “What the hay d’y’all know about mah sister?”
I raised my hands in a placating gesture. “Oh, nothing much, but it’s hard to miss the Cutie Mark Crusaders and how much property damage they do.” I smirked. “You could almost call it thievery.”
“That tears it!”
Applejack jumped over her stand and tried to kick the shit out of me. Earth ponies are stupid strong, but they aren’t very agile, so I only got nicked in the shin by the side of her leg. A simple step forward was enough to ruin her balance and cause her to fall to her side.
“Y’all stay away from me and mah family!” Applejack yelled as she scrambled to stand.
“Whatever you say, AJ.” I picked up my groceries and started walking off. “I’ll see you same time tomorrow.”
I heard a feral scream and a great kick to my ass pushed me face-first into the dirt. I could feel the amniotic fluid of my dozen eggs seeping into my pants, and further away I could see my tomatoes had smashed into a passing stallion’s face.
“No! Ah’ve had enough of you and yer attitude!”
I sat up and looked Applejack in the eye. Before I could say anything Fluttershy stepped between us. She spoke softly so I couldn’t hear her, but Applejack seemed… intimidated? By Fluttershy? To my disappointment the situation seemed to be defused. I’d been looking forward to some entertainment.
“A-are you ok, Eamon?” Fluttershy said.
I pushed myself up on my knees and started gathering what groceries could be salvaged. “Yeah, I’m fine.”
Fluttershy decided to walk by my side as I went to replace what I’d lost. I lived on the outskirts of town in a small cottage, so she and Applejack were my closest neighbors. While I didn’t know either of them intimately, I was more familiar with them than most of the other ponies in town.
I liked that Fluttershy seemed to give a shit about me, but given her temperament and occupation I’d be more surprised if she didn’t. The only thing that bothered me about her was on occasion she’d talk to me with that same cooing voice she used on her animal friends. It made me feel like she saw me as a beast more than a person, though perhaps to her there wasn’t much difference.
That rabbit of hers seemed smart enough.
“You really shouldn’t pester Applejack so much. It’s not nice.” Fluttershy said. She was looking me straight in the eye, which was unusual for her. “I don’t think she’ll sell you any apples until you apologize.”
“Hah!” I barked. “Applejack hasn’t sold me any apples in months. She might be more prone to violence after today, but this has been going on for a while now.”
“You need to apologize to her. She-”
“It’s not about the apples.” I said. “I mean, it was at first. She got offended when I told her I thought her apples were too sweet.”
“Oh dear...” She averted her eyes.
“Yeah, it went about as well as you’d expect. Whatever mutual respect we had crumbled, and now I just fuck with her for sport.”
“You verbally abuse people for fun?” Fluttershy’s glare returned and now I could kinda see why Applejack was intimidated by her, but my mother was better at staring people down than Fluttershy and I was a disappointing child.
“I was raised by the internet, of course I do.” I chuckled. “And in this boring town where else am I going to get my jollies?”
“I’m… I’m-just-wat… I don’t even know what to say to that! I thought you were a nice person, Eamon!” she screamed, but only as Fluttershy can’t. She was like a little ball of impotent rage, ready to never burst.
“Well I’m not.” I crossed my arms over my chest.
“Y-y-you can’t ju-”
“But I can, and I do, and you interrupted my fun. I appreciate the care, but I don’t want your help.” I glanced around to make sure no one was listening to our conversation. “Look, I wouldn’t expect a bunny fucker like you to understand.”
The soft clip-clop of her walking stopped. “B-b-bunny fucker?”
“I can’t imagine why else you’d like that little asshole so much.” I stopped and crouched next to her ear and whispered. “So tell me, is Angel hung like a horse, or do penises just scare you that much?”
“I-I would neve-”
“Oh, honey, of course you wouldn’t. You’re too chickenshit to take what you want. Angel’s been in charge for a long time now, hasn’t he?” I said. “Just imagine what he might be doing to poor Elizabeak right this moment.”
Fluttershy started to shiver. I couldn’t tell if she was crying because she was insulted, mortified, or if I’d struck a nerve. I didn’t think anything I’d said was that bad, but eh. I wrapped her in a hug and started running my hand through her mane.
“Hey, uh… Is she alright?” a passing stallion asked.
“Yeah, she’s just been having a rough day. Animal problems, you understand.” I said.
“Ah. She took care of my pet skunkadilly not long ago, so if there’s anything I can do for her, let me doodly know, OK?” he said.
“Alright, man, but I think she just needs to cry it out.”
After the stallion passed I yanked a handful of Fluttershy’s mane and whispered into her ear. “And now you’re making a scene. Do you want to bother people with your problems?”
She mumbled what sounded like a “no”. It was hard to tell given how shaken she seemed, but she was making an effort to be even more quiet. When I pulled back her face was covered by her mane and she made no attempt to fix it.
I left her alone in the middle of the road while I finished my shopping. I still needed eggs, broccoli, and I’d decided to pass on more tomatoes. Who really likes tomatoes anyway, right?
