Princess Twilight Sparkle the Beardedby TumbleweedChaptersChapter 1Chapter 2Chapter 3Chapter 1“It's good to be the Princess.” Twilight Sparkle's voice echoed from the vaulted ceiling of the Deep Stacks. She paused. “A Princess.” She corrected herself. Not that there was anyone there in that sub-sub-sub basement of the Royal Canterlot Library to dispute her statement. Even still, to write off Princess Celestia (much less Princess Cadance, or even Princess Luna) so blithely was simply an invitation for trouble. But, if it absolutely came to the unthinkable that all of Equestria had to be partitioned out between the various magical monarchs, Twilight had to admit these rows and rows of shelves (or, more accurately, the books laid out upon them) would be one of the first things she'd claim. Twilight took in a deep breath and savored the entirely too enticing scent of old books. Aged paper, dried glue, and more than a little dust-- Applejack had once described the smell “like my granny's attic,” which was why Twilight hadn't invited Applejack along on this particular expedition. She hadn't invited any of her other friends, for that matter, even though they'd all taken the same train from Ponyville. Twilight knew the five of them would all find something fun to do while they were in Canterlot, before the evening's festivities. At least they weren't in town for the Grand Galloping Gala, Twilight mused-- those tended to be more … eventful than she personally preferred. Twilight sighed pleasantly, and ran a forehoof over the battered, ancient, and entirely unorganized rows of books. If she had the time (say, a spare century, perhaps), she knew she could catalog all this forgotten lore. Most of the books were lesser-quality copies of books contained in the main library above, but there was always the chance there was some forgotten tome of lore hidden away in plain sight amongst the shelves. There was also the chance that some of the books hidden in the Deep Stacks were there for good reason. Rumor had it the Deep Stacks had at least three copies of the Neighcromonicon hidden somewhere within. But, Twilight mused, that might've just been the same copy popping up over and over again due to textbook chrono-spatial distortion. It was understandably difficult to get a pass to the Deep Stacks. Being a Princess made it understandably easier. Twilight's hooves clipped softly against the smooth stone floor. She put a little more magic into her horn to light her way through the labyrinthine stretches of bookshelves. She didn't know what she'd find on this trip, but she'd specifically carved out a several hour stretch of her Official State Visit to Canterlot in order to just … browse. By reflex, Twilight identified volumes and folios as she passed: Livery's A History of Equestria, Leisure Lake's Romance of the Three Kingdoms, a later translation of Grim Glare's Morally Uplifting Stories for Colts and Fillies. Each book was fascinating in its own right, which Twilight knew since she'd already read them. Twilight passed by title after title, most of them works she was already familiar with, or even had more recent editions in her personal library. Wait. There it was. Twilight almost missed it, but she forced herself to stop just in time. She backpedaled for a few paces, and then slowly, reverently, raised a hoof to nudge a crumbling copy of a later translation of The Epic of Timberwulf out of the way. A small book, bound in navy colored cloth sat on the shelf, dwarfed by the larger histories and epics. It looked more like a personal notebook … which made its presence amongst the other contents of the Deep Stacks all the more intriguing. Twilight's horn glowed even brighter as she floated the little book from the shelf. The bindings made a faint cracking sound as Twilight eased the little book open. There came another, near-intoxicating waft of old-book smell, which earned a pleased sigh from the Princess. She smiled to herself, and then looked at the inside cover, curious to see what could put such a humble little book way down in the Deep Stacks (apart from the boring, mundane reasons of 'it just got lost in there'). Twilight's heart immediately hammered into overdrive as soon as she read the inside cover. She nearly dropped the ancient, fragile book, but managed to restart the levitation spell before any permanent damage could be done. Twilight Sparkle closed her eyes, took a deep, book-flavored breath, and forced herself to calm down. She mostly succeeded. And so, just to make sure that she wasn't under the influence of some hallucination, Twilight made herself read the inside cover a second time. The inscription remained the same. Property of Starswirl the Bearded. With the sort of speed that would've made Rainbow Dash pout in jealosy, Twilight streaked out of the Deep Stacks. Loose pages fluttered in her wake as she spiraled up the staircase from the sub-sub-sub basement, and into the palace proper. Maids, butlers and valets all scattered out of Twilight's way as she flew through the palace corridors in a blur of crackling purple magic. Within moments, Twilight Sparkle smashed into the doors of her Pretty Princess Suite with the force of a battering ram. “Spike!” She yelled, perhaps a little more forceful than she would have been if she wasn't so excited. “Gah!” Spike sputtered to wakefulness from where he'd been sprawled out on the couch. He wiped some drool from the corner of his mouth, and stared at Twilight. “What's wrong, Twilight? Is Equestria in trouble again?” “Not yet!” Twilight flew directly for her desk, and splayed her wings out at the last moment to keep herself from slamming into it headlong. It was only when she came to a complete stop that she lifted Starswirl's book out of her saddlebag, and carefully laid it on her desk. “I mean, uh, not today! But we've got an academic emergency, here!” “An academic emergency?” Spike scratched at his head. “So … Cheerilee's in trouble?” “No, Cheerilee is not in trouble.” “I don't really know anyone else you could call 'academic.' Except for you, I guess. Are you in trouble?” “I'm not in trouble.” Twilight said with a giddy grin. “In fact, I'm perfect! I just found something amazing.” “Whoa, what is it?” “I don't know!” Twilight pranced on her hooves. “Or, more accurately, I don't know yet. Which is even better, because now I get to work up all this anticipation! All I know so far is that I've found something that used to belong to Starswirl the Bearded himself! Who knows what he wrote in here? There could be new spells, or new magical formulas, or … well, even a shopping list would provide a fascinating level of historical perspective!” “You're getting this excited over somepony's groceries?” “Over Starswirl the Bearded's groceries!” “Uh huh.” “Now Spike, I'm gonna give this a preliminary read, but I'm going to need supplies-- paper, ink, pens, possibly some sort of manuscript preservation equipment, a camera, film, a dehumidifier … are you writing this down, Spike?” “Duh.” Spike said, having already acquired pencil and paper as soon as he realized Twilight was in her 'inspired ranting' mode. “Great! So while you go get all that stuff, I'll give the manuscript a preliminary read. Once you've got all the materials, I'll be able to begin the cataloging and analysis. Oh, this is going to be fun!” “Whatever you say, Twilight.” Spike eased the door shut behind him on his way out. By the time Spike made it back to the Pretty Princess Suite, Twilight's giddy enthusiasm had melted away. Her wings slumped, her brows furrowed, and somehow Twilight had managed to get her normally low-maintenance manestyle ruffled into disarray in record time. “It doesn't make any sense!” she said, and sat back on her haunches. “What doesn't?” Spike set his box of stationery and photography equipment to the side, and trundled over to Twilight. “This book!” Twilight said. “It's full of … well, I guess you could call it poetry?” She sounded more than a little sure of her own words. “So?” “So.” Twilight said. “There's no record of Starswirl the Bearded as a poet. Scientist. Magician. Explorer … yes. Poet? No.” “You think it's fake?” “No. The signatures match Starswirl's. The materials are period appropriate, too. I'd have to take samples for radio-carbon dating to be sure, but from my surface analysis, it's genuine.” “But … that's good, right? I mean, you just discovered an unknown book of poetry by your hero! That's like, a whole new field of study, isn't it?” “Technically, yes. But … “ Twilight Sparkle rubbed at the bridge of her nose. “But what?” “It's the poems.” “What about them?” “They're about beards.” “Huh?” “Starswirl's poems are about beards. All of them.” “Aw, c'mon. Nobody could write a whole book of beard poetry.” “I've gone through this book from cover to cover. Every poem's about beards. Just look at the table of contents.” Twilight turned to the front of the little book, and began to rattle off titles. “I Like Beards, Stroking My Beard, Got Me A Beard, The Beard Accessory Store, If Your Dad Doesn't Have a Beard You've Got Two Mums, Why Having A Beard Is Better Than Having A Woman, Shaved Off His Beard--” Twilight gasped for breath, and added on. “That one's kind of sad, actually. It's got tear stains on the page.” “Whoa.” Spike said, and found himself suddenly aware of his own smooth-scaled face. “Is that it?” “There's more.” Twilight said. “Touch Me In the Beard, I Have A Beard And It Looks Really Good, You Should Consider Having Sex With A Bearded Man--” “Whoa, what was that last one?” “AND.” Twilight pointedly ignored Spike's question. “This last one, A Wizard Needs A Beard.” “Go fig.” Spike said. “Guess the dude really liked beards.” “But … but it's Starswirl the Bearded!” “Seriously, it's right there in his name.” “It doesn't make any sense!” Twilight held her face in her hooves, despairing. “It doesn't match anything else I've read by, or even about Starswirl the Bearded. I've got to be missing something!” “It's alright, Twilight. I mean, it's just some musty old book, right?” The corner of Twilight's eye began to twitch. “Starswirl the Bearded was an expert on magic. And magic, to use the inverse of the saying, is friendship. I am the princess of friendship. Which means that I am also the princess of magic, and it is my responsibility to figure this out before some terrible disaster strikes. Again. I have to figure this out, Spike.” “Oh. Uh. Okay.” Spike said. “So, uh. Maybe it's a code or something? Or a metaphor? Or is it simile? I get those two mixed up.” “I thought about that.” Twilight said. “But … the verses are pretty straightforward. Here, see for yourself, Spike.” Twilight opened the old book to a random (but thankfully baby-dragon-safe) passage. Spike stood up on tiptoe, and read the verses aloud. “Beards are good. Beards are great. They look so nice On your face.” Spike rested his fingers at the edge of the desk, and looked up at Twilight. “Okay, so maybe there's not a secret meaning there.” “I … I just thought Starswirl was called 'the Bearded' just because he had a beard. Not because he was … fixated. I guess it's kind of humbling to discover your hero is … “ “A weirdo?” Spike said. “I was going to say 'eccentric,' but I guess your term works too.” “Who even has a beard these days, anyway? Like … there's that one guy who likes tennis, right? Haven't seen him in awhile.” “Beards have more or less fallen out of style recently, yes.” Twilight mused. “Mustaches are a lot more popular. Easier to grow, too.” “Wait, didn't that Tirek guy have a beard?” Spike thought aloud. “But he was a jerk and tried to kill everyone. Or … uh, Discord kind of has a beard-thing, doesn't he? But he's also like, part goat. And he was a jerk and tried to kill everyone too.” “Discord has a beard.” Twilight said. Her voice was faint, distant-- almost an afterthought as the epiphany hit her. “I just said that.” Spike said. “Tirek has a beard.” Twilight said. “I said that, too.” “Spike, you're brilliant!” “I am?” He'd heard the words from Twilight before, but to his credit, never let it go to his head. “You are! And so am I!” Twilight flared her wings as she galloped across the Pretty Princess Suite. She used her telekinesis to snatch up pen and paper, and scribbled out a hasty list. “Okay, Spike, can you go to the library and pick up these spellbooks? They're … mostly safe so long as you don't open them. Just tell them Princess Twilight Sparkle sent you on a matter of vital importance!” “Got it!” Spike nabbed the list from Twilight. “What're you going to do?” “Me?” Twilight Sparkle smiled proudly. “I'm going to follow in the hoofsteps of Starswirl the Bearded.” Author's Note Each and every poem of Starswirl's in this story is an actual song by an Australian band called The Beards. They are amazing and I am quite sad I never got to see them live. Chapter 2“What an invigorating stroll!” Rarity sighed pleasantly, and looked over her shoulder at her friends. “Wouldn't you agree?” “Eh, still seemed a little boring. You know. Walking and all.” Rainbow Dash flitted up into the air as a matter of principle. Thankfully, Canterlot's hallways had high ceilings. “Next time we've got to hit the aerodrome.” “I think it was nice.” Fluttershy murmured from her decidedly earthbound position. “I mean, last time I spent any time in the Canterlot Garden, it … didn't end well.” “Welp,” said Applejack, “ain't like ya wound up doin' that crazy laugh or anythin' this time. So that's a plus.” Fluttershy winced at the memory. “Oh. That was so embarrassing. Turns out, most of the ponies here in Canterlot aren't very good with animals, so the wildlife is kind of … skittish. I just had to take some extra time to make friends this time around, that's all.” “Aw, c'mon, Fluttershy! There's nothing wrong with going a little crazy and doing a crazy laugh sometimes! It's like, if you keep all the craziness bottled up, then eventually you're just gonna POP like a balloon and the next thing you know you just can't stop laughing because your henchmen have finished installing your earthquake machine!” “Henchmen?” said Rainbow Dash. “Earthquake machine?” said Rarity. “Totally!” Pinkie Pie nodded hard enough to make her hair bobble. “And, er, we appreciate it every day when you don't turn to supervillainy, Pinkie.” Rarity said. “Now then, as enjoyable as this has been, we'd best go find Twilight, and see what we can do to help. This is quite the event, after all. I'm sure Twilight will need--” Rarity paused for a moment, and then delicately sniffed at the air. “Does anyone else smell that?” “Sorry.” Pinkie Pie shrunk back a bit, and managed an embarrassed blush. “I had chimichangas for lunch.” “Not that.” Rarity said, nonplussed. “It smells like--” “Smoke!” Applejack dashed forward, covering the remaining distance to Twilight's suite in record time. The other four ponies followed suit. Applejack wasted little time in kicking in the doors, and soon they all piled in. The Pretty Princess Suite was never meant to be a magical laboratory, but that hadn't stopped Twilight from trying. Hastily scribbled notes of improvised arcane formulae were scattered all over the place, with an even larger arcane circle sketched out on the floor in chalk. The pungent smell of singed hair hung heavy in the air, and a thin trail of smoke wafted up from behind the bathroom door. “Oh, hey guys!” Spike set aside the tray of bubbling beakers he was carrying, and waved to the five ponies. “Good to see you!” “Spike!” Rarity gasped. “What in Celestia's name is going on here?” “So, uh, long story short, Twilight decided to do an … experiment.” “Oh man, is she summoning evil demons so we can punch them in the face and shoot them with friendship lasers?” Rainbow Dash beat her wings eagerly. “No,” said Spike. “She's not trying to devise some sort of love charm to find her a special somepony so she won't be alone forever, is she?” Rarity said. “Er, no,” said Spike. “Ooooh, I know! I bet Twilight's making a magical portal to an alternate dimension that's the opposite of ours so everyone is eeeeeeevil or something! But I guess if we were evil over there, that would make the bad guys good guys! So Twilight's probably teaming up with Good-Guy Sombra right now! Cool!” “Not that, either.” Spike said. “Then what's she doin'?” Applejack said. Spike winced at the scrutiny.“You're not gonna believe this, but—” “I'VE DONE IT!” Twilight's triumphant cry came from the bathroom. “--maybe you should just see for yourself.” Spike said. There was no fanfare as Twilight opened up the bathroom door, but she carried herself proudly enough that there should have been. Her friends gasped. “Oh, hi everypony!” Twilight Sparkle jutted her chin out a little more. “What do you think?” The other ponies conferred silently among themselves with a few panicked nods and glances, until Rarity and Rainbow Dash shoved Applejack forward. The cowpony was the element of Honesty, after all. “Well. Uh.” Applejack said. “You … got somethin' on your chin there.” She said, plainly. “It looks like some kind of horrible fuzzy monster is trying to eat your face!” Rainbow Dash blurted. “Oh, Rainbow, you're so silly.” Twilight Sparkle said, and then reached up to stroke at the purple mass of hair jutting out from her chin. “My beard just looks a little unkempt because I haven't had the chance to groom it yet.” “Pardon me, darling.” Rarity squinted at Twilight-- or, more specifically, at Twilight's chin. “Did you just say beard?” The white unicorn felt her mouth going dry, and her knees going weak. She leaned on Applejack for support. “I did!” Twilight said, proudly. “Wow!” Pinkie Pie appeared next to Twilight Sparkle seemingly without crossing the inconvenient space between. “That's a really nice beard!” “Why, thank you, Pinkie.” Twilight said. “So where's the string? Or did you glue it to your face with spirit gum?” Pinkie Pie reached up with her front hooves and tugged none-too-gently at Twilight's facial locks. “Ow!” Twilight said, and pushed Pinkie Pie away as gently as she could manage. “It's not a fake beard, Pinkie. I grew this.” “Do what now?” Applejack said. “I grew a beard. On my face.” Twilight said, matter-of-factly. “Er, darling?” Rarity raised a hoof. “Isn't that slightly … biologically impossible? You know, given how you're … a lady?” Rarity may have been using the term a little loosely, but she was lady enough not to mention it. “I'm glad you asked!” Twilight said, and reached up to give her beard a long, proud stroke. “While there have been certain, rare cases documented in which a hormonal imbalance leads to the occasional case of female facial hair-- the prototypical 'bearded ladies' of circus sideshows, you know. But! Mucking around with my own genetic makeup would be irresponsible and hazardous.” “Of course.” Rarity said, still staring at Twilight's beard. “Therefore! I found a far easier, far safer way to grow a beard. Namely, there are certain spells in certain tomes-- texts that I am only familiar with in an academic sense, mind you, and I only began researching them when I was well of legal age. These rare spells, when cast, allow certain mares to take on certain characteristics of certain stallions.” One of the many advantages to beard-dom, Twilight found, was the ability to conceal a blush. “Why would they do that?” Rainbow Dash canted her head at a puzzled angle. Fluttershy leaned over and murmured something into Rainbow's ear. “Oh.” Rainbow Dash said. She fluttered her wings for a moment, and then peered at Fluttershy. “How do you even know that?” “No comment.” Fluttershy shrank down even smaller than usual. “Anyway!” Twilight continued. “It only took a little bit of etheric engineering to recalibrate the location of the temporary gender reversal. Then, it was a simple matter to integrate a localized temporal compression and a few other key elements into the spell! I admit, it probably could use some fine tuning before I publish it in any magical journals, but the important part is, I built a spell that let me grow a beard!” “Why in the heck would ya do somethin' like that?” Applejack said. “That thing makes ya look like a a grizzly bear or somethin'.” “Oh no.” Fluttershy chimed in. “Grizzly bears aren't as ... intimidating.” “I'm glad you asked, Applejack.” Twilight trotted across the room, to where the slim blue volume of Starswirl the Bearded's beard poetry still sat on a desk. “You see, Starswirl the Bearded was one of the most brilliant, most powerful, most revolutionary wizards in all of Equestrian history. I've always wanted to be like him-- working with Princess Celestia, saving the kingdom, helping ponies, exploring other dimensions … “ Twilight Sparkle sighed in pleasant hero-worship. “And you really have done all that cool stuff!” Rainbow Dash said, grinning. “I know! And I'm really thankful for the opportunity. But, it wasn't until I found this long-lost volume, written by Starswirl the Bearded himself, that I was missing out on just one thing. A beard.” “What.” Applejack said. “Hear me out!” Twilight pulled out a large pad of paper on an easel, and flipped to a large drawing of Discord-- one that had a certain tuft of hair on his chin circled. “Look! Discord has a beard.” Twilight flipped to another drawing. “Tirek? Also has a beard. But King Sombra? No beard. By my calculations--” Twilight turned to another page, this one divided into three columns for Discord, Tirek, and Sombra. Each column was filled with rough, nigh-unintelligible mathemagical calculations. “Even going by my rough figures, both Tirek and Discord are exponentially more powerful than King Sombra. Sure, Sombra was able to lock away a whole kingdom for centuries, but he lacks the kind of planar-wide reality warping potential that Discord and Tirek both have at the height of their power. Now, I haven't been able to determine if beard length or style is indicative of raw magical potential-- I'm going to have to do further research. But! The important part is, if this beard makes me more magical, then it will also make me a better friend.” “That makes perfect sense!” Pinkie Pie said. “Yep. It's officially super weird now.” Rainbow Dash murmured. “Twilight. Darling.” Rarity said, trying vainly to keep her composure in the face of such a furry face. “Are you feeling quite alright?” “I'm great!” Twilight Sparkle said. “Except from a little bit of spell-fatigue, and maybe a little bit of eye strain from reading so long. But all of that just melts away whenever I look in the mirror.” Twilight did just that, and again stroked languidly at her certainly wizard-worthy beard. “Oh dear.” Rarity shut her eyes, as if looking away from Twilight's beard would make it disappear. (It didn't). “Twilight, I fear you're in one of those … moods again.” “What moods?” Twilight blinked in confusion. “You know.” Rarity made an airy gesture with one hoof. “When you throw yourself into your latest research project and you forget to eat and by the end of it you can't stop giggling to yourself because you're loopy from neglecting to sleep for a few days?” “Happens all the time.” Spike said. “There's nothing wrong with a little enthusiasm, Rarity.” Twilight Sparkle said. “Besides, it … hasn't been that long, has it? What day is it? What time is it?” “Oh no. It's worse than I thought.” Rarity winced. “Do you remember why we all made this trip to Canterlot in the first place?” “Of course I do! I'm here for an Official State Visit, as part of my Royal duties. And Princess Celestia even told me I didn't have to make a speech or anything-- she said all I would have to do is sit down and look like a Princess for a little bit. Honestly a little boring, but at least this visit gave me the opportunity to find Starswirl the Bearded's book in the Deep Stacks, and--” Rarity held one hoof up. “Twilight.” She said, carefully. “Don't you remember why all you have to do is sit around and look regal?” “Uh.” Twilight blinked. “I thought it was some kind of parade or something, maybe? I'm pretty sure they're not bringing in any other leaders from any other kingdoms. Celestia would've briefed me if that were the case.” “The Official Ceremony that we all came for, Twilight, was the painting of a royal portrait.” “Huh. Sounds like we might actually be watching paint dry, huh?” Twilight said with a wry grin. “Your royal portrait, Twilight.” “Oh.” Author's Note More beard music for you! I understand it's based on a true story. Chapter 3“It doesn't look that bad, does it?” Twilight ran her hoof over the frazzled mass of hair growing from her chin. Her five best friends forced polite smiles. “Oh.” Twilight said. “It just needs a little grooming, that's all! I mean, everypony's mane is always messed up whenever they get out of bed-- this is the same principle! Let me just get a comb.” Twilight levitated a hairbrush from the nightstand, and set to work. The hairbrush made it a few inches before it snagged in Twilight's mighty beard, ensnared like a boat's propeller in thick seaweed. “You need a shave, dear.” Rarity said. “I can't shave this off!” Twilight winced, and yanked the brush free. Most of it, at least-- a few bristles remained stuck in Twilight's beard. “Now now, I know you worked very hard on this.” Rarity set a hoof on Twilight's shoulder. “But honestly, it's for the best--” “No, Rarity. You don't understand. I literally cannot shave this beard off.” “Pardon?” “I may have worked certain protective incantations into the foundational formulas of my beard spell.” “Say what?” Rainbow Dash said. “Pretend you're talking to someone who's not a super nerd like you are.” “My magic beard is … kind of invincible.” Twilight said. “No it's not!” Rainbow Dash squeaked. “I can totally see it!” “Invincible, Rainbow. Not--” Twilight shook her head. “Y'know what, never mind. Right now, we've got a portrait sitting to worry about.” Twilight eyed her own chin in the mirror. “We should be able to find a tungsten-carbide comb around the palace somewhere, right?” Rarity began to tremble ever so slightly as the gravity of the situation really began to sink in. “Do you mean to tell me, Twilight, that you have … bearded yourself, without the means to undo such a thing?” “Uh, yes?” “So it's permanent?” “Until the spell wears off.” “And when will that be?” Rarity said. Twilight mulled this over. “Oh, a week. Maybe two?” “Wizards.” Rarity rubbed at the bridge of her nose. “I should just be glad my talents lean more towards fashion than the arcane.” She pulled in a deep breath. “Then again, if I wasn't such a brilliant designer, I wouldn't feel the sudden urge to panic right now, either. Ha. Ha. Isn't that ironic?” The corner of Rarity's eye began to twitch. “Uh. Darlin'?” Applejack dragged Rarity away from Twilight as gently as she could manage. “Last thing we need is two ponies goin' nuts right now.” “Maybe it's a unicorn thing!” Pinkie Pie said to Rainbow Dash. “Like, the horns are antennas for the crazy-rays bouncing off the moon or something. Oh! I know! What if we make them tinfoil hats so that way they don't get the crazy rays so then everyone's perfectly normal again!” “Sounds legit.” Rainbow Dash said. “No hats!” Rarity shrilled. “They're entirely out of season!” Applejack kept dragging Rarity across the Pretty Princess Suite. “Right then!” Twilight said. “Spike, how much time do we have before I have to make an appearance for this royal portrait?” “About, uh … “ Spike checked the clock on the wall, and then the schedule they'd made before even arriving in Canterlot. “Fifteen minutes?” “Oh! Shoot. That just means we're going to have to improvise.” Twilight stroked her beard, a gesture that she was sure had some sort of cognitive boosting property to it. “Pinkie.” She finally said. “Do you have an emergency party kit handy?” “Well duh!” Pinkie Pie hauled an oak trunk out from behind a couch. She pounded a hoof against the side of the trunk, and the lid flipped open, letting a few balloons sail upwards. “Whatcha need? I've got balloons, I've got streamers, I've got party hats, I've got confetti, I've got everything!” Twilight peered into the tight-packed trunk. “Do you have a cake serving set?” “Yep!” Pinkie started yanking cutlery out of the trunk. “That's a great idea! Cake makes everything better! But do you think they're gonna do your official portrait of you eating cake? I mean, that'd be a great picture, but doesn't it take a long time to paint a portrait? You'd either run out of cake, or eat SO MUCH cake that you'd barf up rainbow frosting as soon as they were done! And that'd be terrible because then you'd get rainbow icing barf in your fancy new beard!” “Good thing I'm not hungry.” Twilight plucked a stainless steel fork out of Pinkie's serving kit, and then trotted over to a mirror. She pressed her lips together in a tight line, and then started to pull the tines of the fork through her beard. It was a little awkward, but before long, Twilight managed to get her bushy beard into some semblance of order, with only a little damage to the fork. She made sure to set the fork-turned-comb aside anyway, just to make sure it didn't wind up being used for its intended purpose ever again. “Right then!” She said. “That's a little more manageable, don't you think?” Applejack braced herself against Rarity's flailing, and chanced a look over her shoulder. “Er.” “Oh, I know, this is short notice.” Twilight said. “Otherwise, I'd see about properly accessorizing my beard with braiding and bells and such.” Rarity made a wordless cry of dismay, and lunged past Applejack with the sort of adrenaline-enhanced speed usually reserved for mothers pushing heavy carts off of their children. “TWILIGHT I SHALL NOT LET YOU DO WHAT YOU INTEND TO DO.” “It's not that bad, Rarity--” Twilight tried. “IT IS WORSE.” Rarity plowed into Twilight like the world's most fashionable battering ram. The two tumbled over each other and careened across the room, until Rarity somehow wound up atop Twilight, glaring down at her. “Twilight.” Rarity grit her teeth, and the very tip of her horn flared with magic. “Please. I'm begging you. I am begging you with tears in my eyes. Don't do this.” “Do what?” “ANYTHING.” Rarity said. “Things are bad enough as is! I'm already trying to think of a proper story to tell everypony of why you can't make it to your own official portrait sitting. I would tell them that it was a simple matter of food poisoning, but then ponies would start examining just where you ate, and I couldn't have it on my conscience to think that some poor restauranteur would have their reputation dashed upon the rumor that they prepared something that did not agree with your royal digestion!” “Dagnabbit.” Applejack grumbled. She pulled a lasso out from beneath her hat and sailed it across the room, expertly looping it around Rarity in order to yank her back. “Y'all's gone nuttier n' a squirrel in a peanut brittle factory. What's got into you?” “It's not what's into me.” Rarity struggled against the rope. “It's what's onto Twilight! I'm all for … experimentation, even in the avant garde sense, this is Twilight's official royal portrait! It's how shell be known and viewed for centuries to come! With everything Twilight has accomplished, with everything she has done for Equestria, with just how good of a friend she's been to all of us, I simply shall not allow Twilight to go down in the history books as the only bearded princess in all of history.” “You know, Rarity … that's kind of a good point.” Twilight said. “Of course it is.” Rarity said, surprisingly prim for someone wrapped up in rope. “I mean, er, thank you. Now, Applejack, if you'd be so kind as to untie me, we can all start working on a way out of this fiasco. “One pony with a beard is an oddity.” Twilight mused. “But six ponies with beards? That's a trend.” Rarity went paler than usual. “Twilight, what are you--” Twilight's horn began to glow. “What do you think?” Twilight looked from the portrait, up to Princess Celestia, and then back to the portrait again. Princess Twilight Sparkle's official royal portrait had been moved to the Pretty Princess Suite once it had been completed. It was a stately painting-- Princess Twilight Sparkle stood tall, with a deep purple cloak wrapped around her shoulders. She rested one hoof on a small, book-piled table. The princess looked out dramatically to some point outside the painting with her chin set in an appropriately determined jut. At least, Twilight hoped the expression was clear, given the long beard that obscured the lower half of her face. “It's impressive.” Princess Celestia said. “Unique, even.” She hadn't batted an eye when she first saw Twilight's new facial hair, or even on the painting depicting it. “You don't think it's too much, do you?” Twilight said, suddenly self conscious. “No, it's fine.” “So you like it?” Twilight said, hopeful. “Twilight.” Celestia smiled wanly at her favorite pupil. “Are you asking me about the picture, or the beard?” “Yes?” “Well, Twilight, I will support whatever choices you make. Besides, when you're a princess, you're allowed certain … eccentricities, from time to time.” “Eccentricities?” “Luna once tried to pose for her royal portrait standing over the corpse of a blood-titan she'd slain. She's still a little miffed I wouldn't let her.” “Because it would send the wrong message?” “No, because the body was starting to rot. Took weeks to get that smell out of the west hall.” “Oh.” Twilight Sparkle winced at the very thought of such a thing. “So is it a fashion thing? I stopped following most trends after my two hundreth birthday. Was all of this Rarity's idea? Her beard was the most … stylized, after all.” “Not exactly.” Twilight said. “She actually didn't like the idea at first, but once she got her hands on some mustache wax, she just called it a new challenge, and off she went.” “That sounds like Rarity. You all managed the look fairly well, I must say. How did Fluttershy get the bluebirds to nest in her beard like that?” “It just sorta … happened, I guess.” Twilight said. Celestia nodded, and then leaned in to examine the painting closer. “What's this?” She ran her eyes down the pile of books in the painting. “That little blue one doesn't match the others.” “You noticed!” Twilight clapped her hooves together. “I was hoping you would! I added that book to the pile right before the painter started.” “It must be important, then.” “It is!” Twilight said. “I found it in the Deep Stacks earlier today! It's a previously unknown work of Starswirl the Bearded's-- the very thing that inspired me to create this new spell!” “Oh?” “Mmmhmm! I was able to decode the hidden meaning in Starswirl's poetry. Or, well, I started decoding it, at least. I'm really looking forward to researching and experimenting on the connection between beards and magic and friendship.” “I'm sorry, Twilight … but did you say poetry?” “I did!” Twilight said, proud. “Poetry by Starswirl the Bearded.” “I know! I was shocked too.” “And you think there's a hidden meaning to it.” “Of course there is! Why else would Starswirl the Bearded write a book of beard poetry in the first place?” “Actually, I know exactly why he did.” Twilight's eyes went wide. “You do? Oh wow, I should have asked you before!” Her heart began to beat faster in fangirlish excitement. “Did he give you some kind of secret code, or cipher, with which to analyze his poems?” “There's not any analysis to be done, Twilight.” “Of course not! You two were friends! He would've told you what he knew directly.” “Twilight.” Princess Celestia rested a hoof on the shorter princess' shoulder. “Starswirl the Bearded wrote that book on a bet.” “How do you even--” “Because I made that bet. I once bet him he couldn't write a whole book on beards. So he did. The poetry thing was just an extra little bonus." “Why would you even make that kind of bet to begin with?” “We may have been drinking at the time.” Celestia said, smiling fondly at the memory. “You mean …. you mean I've done all this.” Twilight ran a hoof over her beard. “I did … that.” She looked at her regal portrait (which somehow made her beard look larger). “All based on a drunken wager?” “I'm afraid so.” “Oh no.” Twilight shrank down. “I should've listened to Rarity. She was right all along. And now everypony is gonna think I'm … I'm … what're they going to think, Princess?” “They're going to think you're the smartest, kindest, friendliest princess in all of Equestria.” Twilight looked up from the floor, hope shining anew in her eyes. “Because everypony knows that it doesn't matter what somepony looks like, and that it's what's inside that counts?” “Hopefully.” Princess Celestia shrugged. “But just in case, I told everypony that you and the other Elements of Harmony had to go save the world again, so your brothers went to the portrait party in your place.” “Brothers?” Twilight said. “Your semi-identical twin brothers.” Celestia nodded. “That doesn't make any sense! Do you really think everypony's going to believe that my friends and I all had random siblings that suddenly just showed up without anypony even mentioning any of them before?” “It happens more often than you'd think.” Celestia said. “Oh.” Twilight said. “So. Uh. Now what?” “That's up to you.” Princess Celestia smiled. “If you want to keep the beard, I won't stop you. But you should know that it's not going to make you more inherently magical. It might make you a little wiser looking, though.” Celestia turned her head to look at Twilight from a slightly different angle. “I don't feel wiser.” Twilight said. “See? Wisdom already.” Princess Celestia pulled Twilight in for a brief hug. “In fact, I think this whole experience has been good for you. Did you learn anything?” “Oh!” Twilight immediately flipped into 'student' mode, wracking her brain for options. “I guess I learned a little bit about research and verifying sources. But, no, that's not a very good friendship lesson. I … hmm. I guess I'm learning about how looking up to someone means you don't have to copy everything they do? That I can be a great pony in my own right, without having to imitate someone else?” “Perfect.” Princess Celestia said, and her approving smile made Twilight beam with pride. “Thank you.” Twilight said, nodding. “But. Um. It's … it's still okay if I wear a special princessy necklace like yours, right?” “That's fine, Twilight. Just try not to get it stuck in your beard. It's why I never grew one myself.” Author's Note Hey, here's ANOTHER song about beards. And history! And it's not by The Beards, even.
Chapter 1“It's good to be the Princess.” Twilight Sparkle's voice echoed from the vaulted ceiling of the Deep Stacks. She paused. “A Princess.” She corrected herself. Not that there was anyone there in that sub-sub-sub basement of the Royal Canterlot Library to dispute her statement. Even still, to write off Princess Celestia (much less Princess Cadance, or even Princess Luna) so blithely was simply an invitation for trouble. But, if it absolutely came to the unthinkable that all of Equestria had to be partitioned out between the various magical monarchs, Twilight had to admit these rows and rows of shelves (or, more accurately, the books laid out upon them) would be one of the first things she'd claim. Twilight took in a deep breath and savored the entirely too enticing scent of old books. Aged paper, dried glue, and more than a little dust-- Applejack had once described the smell “like my granny's attic,” which was why Twilight hadn't invited Applejack along on this particular expedition. She hadn't invited any of her other friends, for that matter, even though they'd all taken the same train from Ponyville. Twilight knew the five of them would all find something fun to do while they were in Canterlot, before the evening's festivities. At least they weren't in town for the Grand Galloping Gala, Twilight mused-- those tended to be more … eventful than she personally preferred. Twilight sighed pleasantly, and ran a forehoof over the battered, ancient, and entirely unorganized rows of books. If she had the time (say, a spare century, perhaps), she knew she could catalog all this forgotten lore. Most of the books were lesser-quality copies of books contained in the main library above, but there was always the chance there was some forgotten tome of lore hidden away in plain sight amongst the shelves. There was also the chance that some of the books hidden in the Deep Stacks were there for good reason. Rumor had it the Deep Stacks had at least three copies of the Neighcromonicon hidden somewhere within. But, Twilight mused, that might've just been the same copy popping up over and over again due to textbook chrono-spatial distortion. It was understandably difficult to get a pass to the Deep Stacks. Being a Princess made it understandably easier. Twilight's hooves clipped softly against the smooth stone floor. She put a little more magic into her horn to light her way through the labyrinthine stretches of bookshelves. She didn't know what she'd find on this trip, but she'd specifically carved out a several hour stretch of her Official State Visit to Canterlot in order to just … browse. By reflex, Twilight identified volumes and folios as she passed: Livery's A History of Equestria, Leisure Lake's Romance of the Three Kingdoms, a later translation of Grim Glare's Morally Uplifting Stories for Colts and Fillies. Each book was fascinating in its own right, which Twilight knew since she'd already read them. Twilight passed by title after title, most of them works she was already familiar with, or even had more recent editions in her personal library. Wait. There it was. Twilight almost missed it, but she forced herself to stop just in time. She backpedaled for a few paces, and then slowly, reverently, raised a hoof to nudge a crumbling copy of a later translation of The Epic of Timberwulf out of the way. A small book, bound in navy colored cloth sat on the shelf, dwarfed by the larger histories and epics. It looked more like a personal notebook … which made its presence amongst the other contents of the Deep Stacks all the more intriguing. Twilight's horn glowed even brighter as she floated the little book from the shelf. The bindings made a faint cracking sound as Twilight eased the little book open. There came another, near-intoxicating waft of old-book smell, which earned a pleased sigh from the Princess. She smiled to herself, and then looked at the inside cover, curious to see what could put such a humble little book way down in the Deep Stacks (apart from the boring, mundane reasons of 'it just got lost in there'). Twilight's heart immediately hammered into overdrive as soon as she read the inside cover. She nearly dropped the ancient, fragile book, but managed to restart the levitation spell before any permanent damage could be done. Twilight Sparkle closed her eyes, took a deep, book-flavored breath, and forced herself to calm down. She mostly succeeded. And so, just to make sure that she wasn't under the influence of some hallucination, Twilight made herself read the inside cover a second time. The inscription remained the same. Property of Starswirl the Bearded. With the sort of speed that would've made Rainbow Dash pout in jealosy, Twilight streaked out of the Deep Stacks. Loose pages fluttered in her wake as she spiraled up the staircase from the sub-sub-sub basement, and into the palace proper. Maids, butlers and valets all scattered out of Twilight's way as she flew through the palace corridors in a blur of crackling purple magic. Within moments, Twilight Sparkle smashed into the doors of her Pretty Princess Suite with the force of a battering ram. “Spike!” She yelled, perhaps a little more forceful than she would have been if she wasn't so excited. “Gah!” Spike sputtered to wakefulness from where he'd been sprawled out on the couch. He wiped some drool from the corner of his mouth, and stared at Twilight. “What's wrong, Twilight? Is Equestria in trouble again?” “Not yet!” Twilight flew directly for her desk, and splayed her wings out at the last moment to keep herself from slamming into it headlong. It was only when she came to a complete stop that she lifted Starswirl's book out of her saddlebag, and carefully laid it on her desk. “I mean, uh, not today! But we've got an academic emergency, here!” “An academic emergency?” Spike scratched at his head. “So … Cheerilee's in trouble?” “No, Cheerilee is not in trouble.” “I don't really know anyone else you could call 'academic.' Except for you, I guess. Are you in trouble?” “I'm not in trouble.” Twilight said with a giddy grin. “In fact, I'm perfect! I just found something amazing.” “Whoa, what is it?” “I don't know!” Twilight pranced on her hooves. “Or, more accurately, I don't know yet. Which is even better, because now I get to work up all this anticipation! All I know so far is that I've found something that used to belong to Starswirl the Bearded himself! Who knows what he wrote in here? There could be new spells, or new magical formulas, or … well, even a shopping list would provide a fascinating level of historical perspective!” “You're getting this excited over somepony's groceries?” “Over Starswirl the Bearded's groceries!” “Uh huh.” “Now Spike, I'm gonna give this a preliminary read, but I'm going to need supplies-- paper, ink, pens, possibly some sort of manuscript preservation equipment, a camera, film, a dehumidifier … are you writing this down, Spike?” “Duh.” Spike said, having already acquired pencil and paper as soon as he realized Twilight was in her 'inspired ranting' mode. “Great! So while you go get all that stuff, I'll give the manuscript a preliminary read. Once you've got all the materials, I'll be able to begin the cataloging and analysis. Oh, this is going to be fun!” “Whatever you say, Twilight.” Spike eased the door shut behind him on his way out. By the time Spike made it back to the Pretty Princess Suite, Twilight's giddy enthusiasm had melted away. Her wings slumped, her brows furrowed, and somehow Twilight had managed to get her normally low-maintenance manestyle ruffled into disarray in record time. “It doesn't make any sense!” she said, and sat back on her haunches. “What doesn't?” Spike set his box of stationery and photography equipment to the side, and trundled over to Twilight. “This book!” Twilight said. “It's full of … well, I guess you could call it poetry?” She sounded more than a little sure of her own words. “So?” “So.” Twilight said. “There's no record of Starswirl the Bearded as a poet. Scientist. Magician. Explorer … yes. Poet? No.” “You think it's fake?” “No. The signatures match Starswirl's. The materials are period appropriate, too. I'd have to take samples for radio-carbon dating to be sure, but from my surface analysis, it's genuine.” “But … that's good, right? I mean, you just discovered an unknown book of poetry by your hero! That's like, a whole new field of study, isn't it?” “Technically, yes. But … “ Twilight Sparkle rubbed at the bridge of her nose. “But what?” “It's the poems.” “What about them?” “They're about beards.” “Huh?” “Starswirl's poems are about beards. All of them.” “Aw, c'mon. Nobody could write a whole book of beard poetry.” “I've gone through this book from cover to cover. Every poem's about beards. Just look at the table of contents.” Twilight turned to the front of the little book, and began to rattle off titles. “I Like Beards, Stroking My Beard, Got Me A Beard, The Beard Accessory Store, If Your Dad Doesn't Have a Beard You've Got Two Mums, Why Having A Beard Is Better Than Having A Woman, Shaved Off His Beard--” Twilight gasped for breath, and added on. “That one's kind of sad, actually. It's got tear stains on the page.” “Whoa.” Spike said, and found himself suddenly aware of his own smooth-scaled face. “Is that it?” “There's more.” Twilight said. “Touch Me In the Beard, I Have A Beard And It Looks Really Good, You Should Consider Having Sex With A Bearded Man--” “Whoa, what was that last one?” “AND.” Twilight pointedly ignored Spike's question. “This last one, A Wizard Needs A Beard.” “Go fig.” Spike said. “Guess the dude really liked beards.” “But … but it's Starswirl the Bearded!” “Seriously, it's right there in his name.” “It doesn't make any sense!” Twilight held her face in her hooves, despairing. “It doesn't match anything else I've read by, or even about Starswirl the Bearded. I've got to be missing something!” “It's alright, Twilight. I mean, it's just some musty old book, right?” The corner of Twilight's eye began to twitch. “Starswirl the Bearded was an expert on magic. And magic, to use the inverse of the saying, is friendship. I am the princess of friendship. Which means that I am also the princess of magic, and it is my responsibility to figure this out before some terrible disaster strikes. Again. I have to figure this out, Spike.” “Oh. Uh. Okay.” Spike said. “So, uh. Maybe it's a code or something? Or a metaphor? Or is it simile? I get those two mixed up.” “I thought about that.” Twilight said. “But … the verses are pretty straightforward. Here, see for yourself, Spike.” Twilight opened the old book to a random (but thankfully baby-dragon-safe) passage. Spike stood up on tiptoe, and read the verses aloud. “Beards are good. Beards are great. They look so nice On your face.” Spike rested his fingers at the edge of the desk, and looked up at Twilight. “Okay, so maybe there's not a secret meaning there.” “I … I just thought Starswirl was called 'the Bearded' just because he had a beard. Not because he was … fixated. I guess it's kind of humbling to discover your hero is … “ “A weirdo?” Spike said. “I was going to say 'eccentric,' but I guess your term works too.” “Who even has a beard these days, anyway? Like … there's that one guy who likes tennis, right? Haven't seen him in awhile.” “Beards have more or less fallen out of style recently, yes.” Twilight mused. “Mustaches are a lot more popular. Easier to grow, too.” “Wait, didn't that Tirek guy have a beard?” Spike thought aloud. “But he was a jerk and tried to kill everyone. Or … uh, Discord kind of has a beard-thing, doesn't he? But he's also like, part goat. And he was a jerk and tried to kill everyone too.” “Discord has a beard.” Twilight said. Her voice was faint, distant-- almost an afterthought as the epiphany hit her. “I just said that.” Spike said. “Tirek has a beard.” Twilight said. “I said that, too.” “Spike, you're brilliant!” “I am?” He'd heard the words from Twilight before, but to his credit, never let it go to his head. “You are! And so am I!” Twilight flared her wings as she galloped across the Pretty Princess Suite. She used her telekinesis to snatch up pen and paper, and scribbled out a hasty list. “Okay, Spike, can you go to the library and pick up these spellbooks? They're … mostly safe so long as you don't open them. Just tell them Princess Twilight Sparkle sent you on a matter of vital importance!” “Got it!” Spike nabbed the list from Twilight. “What're you going to do?” “Me?” Twilight Sparkle smiled proudly. “I'm going to follow in the hoofsteps of Starswirl the Bearded.” Author's Note Each and every poem of Starswirl's in this story is an actual song by an Australian band called The Beards. They are amazing and I am quite sad I never got to see them live.
Chapter 2“What an invigorating stroll!” Rarity sighed pleasantly, and looked over her shoulder at her friends. “Wouldn't you agree?” “Eh, still seemed a little boring. You know. Walking and all.” Rainbow Dash flitted up into the air as a matter of principle. Thankfully, Canterlot's hallways had high ceilings. “Next time we've got to hit the aerodrome.” “I think it was nice.” Fluttershy murmured from her decidedly earthbound position. “I mean, last time I spent any time in the Canterlot Garden, it … didn't end well.” “Welp,” said Applejack, “ain't like ya wound up doin' that crazy laugh or anythin' this time. So that's a plus.” Fluttershy winced at the memory. “Oh. That was so embarrassing. Turns out, most of the ponies here in Canterlot aren't very good with animals, so the wildlife is kind of … skittish. I just had to take some extra time to make friends this time around, that's all.” “Aw, c'mon, Fluttershy! There's nothing wrong with going a little crazy and doing a crazy laugh sometimes! It's like, if you keep all the craziness bottled up, then eventually you're just gonna POP like a balloon and the next thing you know you just can't stop laughing because your henchmen have finished installing your earthquake machine!” “Henchmen?” said Rainbow Dash. “Earthquake machine?” said Rarity. “Totally!” Pinkie Pie nodded hard enough to make her hair bobble. “And, er, we appreciate it every day when you don't turn to supervillainy, Pinkie.” Rarity said. “Now then, as enjoyable as this has been, we'd best go find Twilight, and see what we can do to help. This is quite the event, after all. I'm sure Twilight will need--” Rarity paused for a moment, and then delicately sniffed at the air. “Does anyone else smell that?” “Sorry.” Pinkie Pie shrunk back a bit, and managed an embarrassed blush. “I had chimichangas for lunch.” “Not that.” Rarity said, nonplussed. “It smells like--” “Smoke!” Applejack dashed forward, covering the remaining distance to Twilight's suite in record time. The other four ponies followed suit. Applejack wasted little time in kicking in the doors, and soon they all piled in. The Pretty Princess Suite was never meant to be a magical laboratory, but that hadn't stopped Twilight from trying. Hastily scribbled notes of improvised arcane formulae were scattered all over the place, with an even larger arcane circle sketched out on the floor in chalk. The pungent smell of singed hair hung heavy in the air, and a thin trail of smoke wafted up from behind the bathroom door. “Oh, hey guys!” Spike set aside the tray of bubbling beakers he was carrying, and waved to the five ponies. “Good to see you!” “Spike!” Rarity gasped. “What in Celestia's name is going on here?” “So, uh, long story short, Twilight decided to do an … experiment.” “Oh man, is she summoning evil demons so we can punch them in the face and shoot them with friendship lasers?” Rainbow Dash beat her wings eagerly. “No,” said Spike. “She's not trying to devise some sort of love charm to find her a special somepony so she won't be alone forever, is she?” Rarity said. “Er, no,” said Spike. “Ooooh, I know! I bet Twilight's making a magical portal to an alternate dimension that's the opposite of ours so everyone is eeeeeeevil or something! But I guess if we were evil over there, that would make the bad guys good guys! So Twilight's probably teaming up with Good-Guy Sombra right now! Cool!” “Not that, either.” Spike said. “Then what's she doin'?” Applejack said. Spike winced at the scrutiny.“You're not gonna believe this, but—” “I'VE DONE IT!” Twilight's triumphant cry came from the bathroom. “--maybe you should just see for yourself.” Spike said. There was no fanfare as Twilight opened up the bathroom door, but she carried herself proudly enough that there should have been. Her friends gasped. “Oh, hi everypony!” Twilight Sparkle jutted her chin out a little more. “What do you think?” The other ponies conferred silently among themselves with a few panicked nods and glances, until Rarity and Rainbow Dash shoved Applejack forward. The cowpony was the element of Honesty, after all. “Well. Uh.” Applejack said. “You … got somethin' on your chin there.” She said, plainly. “It looks like some kind of horrible fuzzy monster is trying to eat your face!” Rainbow Dash blurted. “Oh, Rainbow, you're so silly.” Twilight Sparkle said, and then reached up to stroke at the purple mass of hair jutting out from her chin. “My beard just looks a little unkempt because I haven't had the chance to groom it yet.” “Pardon me, darling.” Rarity squinted at Twilight-- or, more specifically, at Twilight's chin. “Did you just say beard?” The white unicorn felt her mouth going dry, and her knees going weak. She leaned on Applejack for support. “I did!” Twilight said, proudly. “Wow!” Pinkie Pie appeared next to Twilight Sparkle seemingly without crossing the inconvenient space between. “That's a really nice beard!” “Why, thank you, Pinkie.” Twilight said. “So where's the string? Or did you glue it to your face with spirit gum?” Pinkie Pie reached up with her front hooves and tugged none-too-gently at Twilight's facial locks. “Ow!” Twilight said, and pushed Pinkie Pie away as gently as she could manage. “It's not a fake beard, Pinkie. I grew this.” “Do what now?” Applejack said. “I grew a beard. On my face.” Twilight said, matter-of-factly. “Er, darling?” Rarity raised a hoof. “Isn't that slightly … biologically impossible? You know, given how you're … a lady?” Rarity may have been using the term a little loosely, but she was lady enough not to mention it. “I'm glad you asked!” Twilight said, and reached up to give her beard a long, proud stroke. “While there have been certain, rare cases documented in which a hormonal imbalance leads to the occasional case of female facial hair-- the prototypical 'bearded ladies' of circus sideshows, you know. But! Mucking around with my own genetic makeup would be irresponsible and hazardous.” “Of course.” Rarity said, still staring at Twilight's beard. “Therefore! I found a far easier, far safer way to grow a beard. Namely, there are certain spells in certain tomes-- texts that I am only familiar with in an academic sense, mind you, and I only began researching them when I was well of legal age. These rare spells, when cast, allow certain mares to take on certain characteristics of certain stallions.” One of the many advantages to beard-dom, Twilight found, was the ability to conceal a blush. “Why would they do that?” Rainbow Dash canted her head at a puzzled angle. Fluttershy leaned over and murmured something into Rainbow's ear. “Oh.” Rainbow Dash said. She fluttered her wings for a moment, and then peered at Fluttershy. “How do you even know that?” “No comment.” Fluttershy shrank down even smaller than usual. “Anyway!” Twilight continued. “It only took a little bit of etheric engineering to recalibrate the location of the temporary gender reversal. Then, it was a simple matter to integrate a localized temporal compression and a few other key elements into the spell! I admit, it probably could use some fine tuning before I publish it in any magical journals, but the important part is, I built a spell that let me grow a beard!” “Why in the heck would ya do somethin' like that?” Applejack said. “That thing makes ya look like a a grizzly bear or somethin'.” “Oh no.” Fluttershy chimed in. “Grizzly bears aren't as ... intimidating.” “I'm glad you asked, Applejack.” Twilight trotted across the room, to where the slim blue volume of Starswirl the Bearded's beard poetry still sat on a desk. “You see, Starswirl the Bearded was one of the most brilliant, most powerful, most revolutionary wizards in all of Equestrian history. I've always wanted to be like him-- working with Princess Celestia, saving the kingdom, helping ponies, exploring other dimensions … “ Twilight Sparkle sighed in pleasant hero-worship. “And you really have done all that cool stuff!” Rainbow Dash said, grinning. “I know! And I'm really thankful for the opportunity. But, it wasn't until I found this long-lost volume, written by Starswirl the Bearded himself, that I was missing out on just one thing. A beard.” “What.” Applejack said. “Hear me out!” Twilight pulled out a large pad of paper on an easel, and flipped to a large drawing of Discord-- one that had a certain tuft of hair on his chin circled. “Look! Discord has a beard.” Twilight flipped to another drawing. “Tirek? Also has a beard. But King Sombra? No beard. By my calculations--” Twilight turned to another page, this one divided into three columns for Discord, Tirek, and Sombra. Each column was filled with rough, nigh-unintelligible mathemagical calculations. “Even going by my rough figures, both Tirek and Discord are exponentially more powerful than King Sombra. Sure, Sombra was able to lock away a whole kingdom for centuries, but he lacks the kind of planar-wide reality warping potential that Discord and Tirek both have at the height of their power. Now, I haven't been able to determine if beard length or style is indicative of raw magical potential-- I'm going to have to do further research. But! The important part is, if this beard makes me more magical, then it will also make me a better friend.” “That makes perfect sense!” Pinkie Pie said. “Yep. It's officially super weird now.” Rainbow Dash murmured. “Twilight. Darling.” Rarity said, trying vainly to keep her composure in the face of such a furry face. “Are you feeling quite alright?” “I'm great!” Twilight Sparkle said. “Except from a little bit of spell-fatigue, and maybe a little bit of eye strain from reading so long. But all of that just melts away whenever I look in the mirror.” Twilight did just that, and again stroked languidly at her certainly wizard-worthy beard. “Oh dear.” Rarity shut her eyes, as if looking away from Twilight's beard would make it disappear. (It didn't). “Twilight, I fear you're in one of those … moods again.” “What moods?” Twilight blinked in confusion. “You know.” Rarity made an airy gesture with one hoof. “When you throw yourself into your latest research project and you forget to eat and by the end of it you can't stop giggling to yourself because you're loopy from neglecting to sleep for a few days?” “Happens all the time.” Spike said. “There's nothing wrong with a little enthusiasm, Rarity.” Twilight Sparkle said. “Besides, it … hasn't been that long, has it? What day is it? What time is it?” “Oh no. It's worse than I thought.” Rarity winced. “Do you remember why we all made this trip to Canterlot in the first place?” “Of course I do! I'm here for an Official State Visit, as part of my Royal duties. And Princess Celestia even told me I didn't have to make a speech or anything-- she said all I would have to do is sit down and look like a Princess for a little bit. Honestly a little boring, but at least this visit gave me the opportunity to find Starswirl the Bearded's book in the Deep Stacks, and--” Rarity held one hoof up. “Twilight.” She said, carefully. “Don't you remember why all you have to do is sit around and look regal?” “Uh.” Twilight blinked. “I thought it was some kind of parade or something, maybe? I'm pretty sure they're not bringing in any other leaders from any other kingdoms. Celestia would've briefed me if that were the case.” “The Official Ceremony that we all came for, Twilight, was the painting of a royal portrait.” “Huh. Sounds like we might actually be watching paint dry, huh?” Twilight said with a wry grin. “Your royal portrait, Twilight.” “Oh.” Author's Note More beard music for you! I understand it's based on a true story.
Chapter 3“It doesn't look that bad, does it?” Twilight ran her hoof over the frazzled mass of hair growing from her chin. Her five best friends forced polite smiles. “Oh.” Twilight said. “It just needs a little grooming, that's all! I mean, everypony's mane is always messed up whenever they get out of bed-- this is the same principle! Let me just get a comb.” Twilight levitated a hairbrush from the nightstand, and set to work. The hairbrush made it a few inches before it snagged in Twilight's mighty beard, ensnared like a boat's propeller in thick seaweed. “You need a shave, dear.” Rarity said. “I can't shave this off!” Twilight winced, and yanked the brush free. Most of it, at least-- a few bristles remained stuck in Twilight's beard. “Now now, I know you worked very hard on this.” Rarity set a hoof on Twilight's shoulder. “But honestly, it's for the best--” “No, Rarity. You don't understand. I literally cannot shave this beard off.” “Pardon?” “I may have worked certain protective incantations into the foundational formulas of my beard spell.” “Say what?” Rainbow Dash said. “Pretend you're talking to someone who's not a super nerd like you are.” “My magic beard is … kind of invincible.” Twilight said. “No it's not!” Rainbow Dash squeaked. “I can totally see it!” “Invincible, Rainbow. Not--” Twilight shook her head. “Y'know what, never mind. Right now, we've got a portrait sitting to worry about.” Twilight eyed her own chin in the mirror. “We should be able to find a tungsten-carbide comb around the palace somewhere, right?” Rarity began to tremble ever so slightly as the gravity of the situation really began to sink in. “Do you mean to tell me, Twilight, that you have … bearded yourself, without the means to undo such a thing?” “Uh, yes?” “So it's permanent?” “Until the spell wears off.” “And when will that be?” Rarity said. Twilight mulled this over. “Oh, a week. Maybe two?” “Wizards.” Rarity rubbed at the bridge of her nose. “I should just be glad my talents lean more towards fashion than the arcane.” She pulled in a deep breath. “Then again, if I wasn't such a brilliant designer, I wouldn't feel the sudden urge to panic right now, either. Ha. Ha. Isn't that ironic?” The corner of Rarity's eye began to twitch. “Uh. Darlin'?” Applejack dragged Rarity away from Twilight as gently as she could manage. “Last thing we need is two ponies goin' nuts right now.” “Maybe it's a unicorn thing!” Pinkie Pie said to Rainbow Dash. “Like, the horns are antennas for the crazy-rays bouncing off the moon or something. Oh! I know! What if we make them tinfoil hats so that way they don't get the crazy rays so then everyone's perfectly normal again!” “Sounds legit.” Rainbow Dash said. “No hats!” Rarity shrilled. “They're entirely out of season!” Applejack kept dragging Rarity across the Pretty Princess Suite. “Right then!” Twilight said. “Spike, how much time do we have before I have to make an appearance for this royal portrait?” “About, uh … “ Spike checked the clock on the wall, and then the schedule they'd made before even arriving in Canterlot. “Fifteen minutes?” “Oh! Shoot. That just means we're going to have to improvise.” Twilight stroked her beard, a gesture that she was sure had some sort of cognitive boosting property to it. “Pinkie.” She finally said. “Do you have an emergency party kit handy?” “Well duh!” Pinkie Pie hauled an oak trunk out from behind a couch. She pounded a hoof against the side of the trunk, and the lid flipped open, letting a few balloons sail upwards. “Whatcha need? I've got balloons, I've got streamers, I've got party hats, I've got confetti, I've got everything!” Twilight peered into the tight-packed trunk. “Do you have a cake serving set?” “Yep!” Pinkie started yanking cutlery out of the trunk. “That's a great idea! Cake makes everything better! But do you think they're gonna do your official portrait of you eating cake? I mean, that'd be a great picture, but doesn't it take a long time to paint a portrait? You'd either run out of cake, or eat SO MUCH cake that you'd barf up rainbow frosting as soon as they were done! And that'd be terrible because then you'd get rainbow icing barf in your fancy new beard!” “Good thing I'm not hungry.” Twilight plucked a stainless steel fork out of Pinkie's serving kit, and then trotted over to a mirror. She pressed her lips together in a tight line, and then started to pull the tines of the fork through her beard. It was a little awkward, but before long, Twilight managed to get her bushy beard into some semblance of order, with only a little damage to the fork. She made sure to set the fork-turned-comb aside anyway, just to make sure it didn't wind up being used for its intended purpose ever again. “Right then!” She said. “That's a little more manageable, don't you think?” Applejack braced herself against Rarity's flailing, and chanced a look over her shoulder. “Er.” “Oh, I know, this is short notice.” Twilight said. “Otherwise, I'd see about properly accessorizing my beard with braiding and bells and such.” Rarity made a wordless cry of dismay, and lunged past Applejack with the sort of adrenaline-enhanced speed usually reserved for mothers pushing heavy carts off of their children. “TWILIGHT I SHALL NOT LET YOU DO WHAT YOU INTEND TO DO.” “It's not that bad, Rarity--” Twilight tried. “IT IS WORSE.” Rarity plowed into Twilight like the world's most fashionable battering ram. The two tumbled over each other and careened across the room, until Rarity somehow wound up atop Twilight, glaring down at her. “Twilight.” Rarity grit her teeth, and the very tip of her horn flared with magic. “Please. I'm begging you. I am begging you with tears in my eyes. Don't do this.” “Do what?” “ANYTHING.” Rarity said. “Things are bad enough as is! I'm already trying to think of a proper story to tell everypony of why you can't make it to your own official portrait sitting. I would tell them that it was a simple matter of food poisoning, but then ponies would start examining just where you ate, and I couldn't have it on my conscience to think that some poor restauranteur would have their reputation dashed upon the rumor that they prepared something that did not agree with your royal digestion!” “Dagnabbit.” Applejack grumbled. She pulled a lasso out from beneath her hat and sailed it across the room, expertly looping it around Rarity in order to yank her back. “Y'all's gone nuttier n' a squirrel in a peanut brittle factory. What's got into you?” “It's not what's into me.” Rarity struggled against the rope. “It's what's onto Twilight! I'm all for … experimentation, even in the avant garde sense, this is Twilight's official royal portrait! It's how shell be known and viewed for centuries to come! With everything Twilight has accomplished, with everything she has done for Equestria, with just how good of a friend she's been to all of us, I simply shall not allow Twilight to go down in the history books as the only bearded princess in all of history.” “You know, Rarity … that's kind of a good point.” Twilight said. “Of course it is.” Rarity said, surprisingly prim for someone wrapped up in rope. “I mean, er, thank you. Now, Applejack, if you'd be so kind as to untie me, we can all start working on a way out of this fiasco. “One pony with a beard is an oddity.” Twilight mused. “But six ponies with beards? That's a trend.” Rarity went paler than usual. “Twilight, what are you--” Twilight's horn began to glow. “What do you think?” Twilight looked from the portrait, up to Princess Celestia, and then back to the portrait again. Princess Twilight Sparkle's official royal portrait had been moved to the Pretty Princess Suite once it had been completed. It was a stately painting-- Princess Twilight Sparkle stood tall, with a deep purple cloak wrapped around her shoulders. She rested one hoof on a small, book-piled table. The princess looked out dramatically to some point outside the painting with her chin set in an appropriately determined jut. At least, Twilight hoped the expression was clear, given the long beard that obscured the lower half of her face. “It's impressive.” Princess Celestia said. “Unique, even.” She hadn't batted an eye when she first saw Twilight's new facial hair, or even on the painting depicting it. “You don't think it's too much, do you?” Twilight said, suddenly self conscious. “No, it's fine.” “So you like it?” Twilight said, hopeful. “Twilight.” Celestia smiled wanly at her favorite pupil. “Are you asking me about the picture, or the beard?” “Yes?” “Well, Twilight, I will support whatever choices you make. Besides, when you're a princess, you're allowed certain … eccentricities, from time to time.” “Eccentricities?” “Luna once tried to pose for her royal portrait standing over the corpse of a blood-titan she'd slain. She's still a little miffed I wouldn't let her.” “Because it would send the wrong message?” “No, because the body was starting to rot. Took weeks to get that smell out of the west hall.” “Oh.” Twilight Sparkle winced at the very thought of such a thing. “So is it a fashion thing? I stopped following most trends after my two hundreth birthday. Was all of this Rarity's idea? Her beard was the most … stylized, after all.” “Not exactly.” Twilight said. “She actually didn't like the idea at first, but once she got her hands on some mustache wax, she just called it a new challenge, and off she went.” “That sounds like Rarity. You all managed the look fairly well, I must say. How did Fluttershy get the bluebirds to nest in her beard like that?” “It just sorta … happened, I guess.” Twilight said. Celestia nodded, and then leaned in to examine the painting closer. “What's this?” She ran her eyes down the pile of books in the painting. “That little blue one doesn't match the others.” “You noticed!” Twilight clapped her hooves together. “I was hoping you would! I added that book to the pile right before the painter started.” “It must be important, then.” “It is!” Twilight said. “I found it in the Deep Stacks earlier today! It's a previously unknown work of Starswirl the Bearded's-- the very thing that inspired me to create this new spell!” “Oh?” “Mmmhmm! I was able to decode the hidden meaning in Starswirl's poetry. Or, well, I started decoding it, at least. I'm really looking forward to researching and experimenting on the connection between beards and magic and friendship.” “I'm sorry, Twilight … but did you say poetry?” “I did!” Twilight said, proud. “Poetry by Starswirl the Bearded.” “I know! I was shocked too.” “And you think there's a hidden meaning to it.” “Of course there is! Why else would Starswirl the Bearded write a book of beard poetry in the first place?” “Actually, I know exactly why he did.” Twilight's eyes went wide. “You do? Oh wow, I should have asked you before!” Her heart began to beat faster in fangirlish excitement. “Did he give you some kind of secret code, or cipher, with which to analyze his poems?” “There's not any analysis to be done, Twilight.” “Of course not! You two were friends! He would've told you what he knew directly.” “Twilight.” Princess Celestia rested a hoof on the shorter princess' shoulder. “Starswirl the Bearded wrote that book on a bet.” “How do you even--” “Because I made that bet. I once bet him he couldn't write a whole book on beards. So he did. The poetry thing was just an extra little bonus." “Why would you even make that kind of bet to begin with?” “We may have been drinking at the time.” Celestia said, smiling fondly at the memory. “You mean …. you mean I've done all this.” Twilight ran a hoof over her beard. “I did … that.” She looked at her regal portrait (which somehow made her beard look larger). “All based on a drunken wager?” “I'm afraid so.” “Oh no.” Twilight shrank down. “I should've listened to Rarity. She was right all along. And now everypony is gonna think I'm … I'm … what're they going to think, Princess?” “They're going to think you're the smartest, kindest, friendliest princess in all of Equestria.” Twilight looked up from the floor, hope shining anew in her eyes. “Because everypony knows that it doesn't matter what somepony looks like, and that it's what's inside that counts?” “Hopefully.” Princess Celestia shrugged. “But just in case, I told everypony that you and the other Elements of Harmony had to go save the world again, so your brothers went to the portrait party in your place.” “Brothers?” Twilight said. “Your semi-identical twin brothers.” Celestia nodded. “That doesn't make any sense! Do you really think everypony's going to believe that my friends and I all had random siblings that suddenly just showed up without anypony even mentioning any of them before?” “It happens more often than you'd think.” Celestia said. “Oh.” Twilight said. “So. Uh. Now what?” “That's up to you.” Princess Celestia smiled. “If you want to keep the beard, I won't stop you. But you should know that it's not going to make you more inherently magical. It might make you a little wiser looking, though.” Celestia turned her head to look at Twilight from a slightly different angle. “I don't feel wiser.” Twilight said. “See? Wisdom already.” Princess Celestia pulled Twilight in for a brief hug. “In fact, I think this whole experience has been good for you. Did you learn anything?” “Oh!” Twilight immediately flipped into 'student' mode, wracking her brain for options. “I guess I learned a little bit about research and verifying sources. But, no, that's not a very good friendship lesson. I … hmm. I guess I'm learning about how looking up to someone means you don't have to copy everything they do? That I can be a great pony in my own right, without having to imitate someone else?” “Perfect.” Princess Celestia said, and her approving smile made Twilight beam with pride. “Thank you.” Twilight said, nodding. “But. Um. It's … it's still okay if I wear a special princessy necklace like yours, right?” “That's fine, Twilight. Just try not to get it stuck in your beard. It's why I never grew one myself.” Author's Note Hey, here's ANOTHER song about beards. And history! And it's not by The Beards, even.
