Rick and Morty Do Equestria

Chapters

Equest-Rick-an Encounter
The Rick-turn
Expo-Rick-tion
Ricks Up Their Sleeves
Something Something Rick

Equest-Rick-an Encounter

Author's Note

I am not sorry.

Equest-Rick-an Encounter

Twilight Sparkle was having a good day. She had gotten all her books fully arranged, Spike and Starlight were both accompanying Rarity to Canterlot for the weekend, and there was not a hint of anything going horribly, horribly wrong in Ponyville.

That last one should have been a massive red flag to her, but, well, hindsight's 20/20.

She had just started to fall back into a chair and crack open a copy of Magic, and How Not To Use It For Literally Everything Ever when a giant green disc opened above the ground in front of her, causing her to simultaneously yelp, fall backwards over the chair, and send the book flying across the room.

She managed to untangle herself just in time to see a pair of bipedal, very strange creatures walk out of what was apparently a portal, which quickly closed behind them.

The shorter one was wearing a plain yellow shirt and pants, and was looking around curiously. The other, who was a head taller, wore a dirty labcoat, and smelled like a lot of alcohol and other substances, simply tucked a strange device back into his jacket.

"R-R-Rick, where are we?" the smaller one asked, looking around nervously.

"God, Morty, don't you urp," the taller one belched, but continued on, "ever listen to me? I told you we were hopping over to another dimension, we need to get some urp materials, for, you know, science stuff."

Since they apparently didn't notice her yet, Twilight decided to greet them. "Uh, hello?"

The tall one just looked at her, uninterested, while the short one jumped slightly. "Jeez! Oh, man, how long were you there?"

"Uh-"

"Yeah, don't care," the tall one interrupted. "Isn't there a forest around here somewhere?"

Twilight hesitated before answering. "There's the, uh, Everfree Forest..."

"Perfect, come on Morty, we urp got work to do."

He walked off, and the short being followed shortly after, giving one quick look back at Twilight before they were out of sight.

Twilight couldn't help but stay standing in place for a minute or two.

"What just happened?"

"Gee, Rick, have you, like, been here before?"

Rick took a swig from his flask as they walked through the town, ignoring the stares the ponies were giving them. "A loooooong time ago, Morty. Thankfully, seems like not much has changed, they're still urp horse people."

Morty looked around at the locals, noting the combination of horned horses, winged horses, and normal horses, all brightly colored and looking on in shock. "Should we have, you know, talked some more with that other one? She seemed important."

Rick rolled his eyes. "What, because she had a wing and a horn?"

"And, well, she apparently lived in a castle, or something," Morty added, looking behind them.

"Morty, let me tell you somethin', I know that pony was impurpant, which is why I got us out of there. Portal into another dimension right in front of a supposed leader? That sounds waaaaay too simple and urp convenient, Morty, like a, fuckin', I dunno, a bad fanfiction or something."

"Ponies?"

Rick took another swig. "S'what they call themselves."

Morty took another look around the town. Sure, talking, multicolor horses were weird, but at this point he just sort of accepted whatever he saw when on one of these trips with his grandfather. It certainly made things a lot easier in the long run.

Soon, the two of them reached the edge of the town, and the buildings were replaced with foreboding trees.

"Alright, Morty, we're here, help me look for a urp blue plant, just make sure you don't touch it, like, at all."

"Wait, really? B-But why, Rick?"

"Cause some baaaad shit happens to you, Morty. Like, real bad. Just trust me."

"Oh... okay, Rick, I guess..."

Celestia looked out over the town of Ponyville, smiling. Today was another beautiful day, and for once she was able to get a decent sized break from day court, much to her relief. Somehow, the nobles manage to both make the most ridiculous demands, and make themselves completely and utterly boring or annoying.

As she scanned the town and the nearby forest, something in particular caught her eye. Curious, she pulled up her nearby telescope and aimed it at the edge of the forest.

There, she saw a small bipedal creature in yellow-

-and another in a white lab coat.

She gasped, and accidentally dropped the telescope onto the floor of the balcony, shattering the glass.

Almost immediately, she heard the door to her room open. "Your highness, is everything alright?" one of her guards asked.

"Cancel the rest of day court," she ordered quickly. "And awaken my sister at once and tell her to meet me here. Tell her it's urgent."

The guard saluted before galloping off into the hall. Celestia tried her best to calmly walk from the balcony to her room proper, but she found her hooves shaking slightly with every step.

After so long...

Before she could even finish her thought, there was a knock on the door, before a sleepy looking Princess Luna entered the room.

Celestia would have to remember to commend that guard for his speed later.

"Sister, what," Luna yawned, "pray tell, is the problem?"

"Luna... He has returned," Celestia said, bowing her head down.

Luna's sleepy demeanor vanished. "Sombra..." she muttered darkly.

Celestia's head snapped up. "What? No, not him."

Luna tilted her head. "Tirek?"

"No, not him either!"

The younger sister put a hoof to her chin in thought. "Oh! The stallion of the circular pastries!"

"No. What? No!" Celestia shook her head. "Nevermind, just come out here and look!"

She dragged her sister out to the balcony, and after a quick spell to repair the telescope, brought it up to Luna's eye, making sure to point it at the faint yellow and white blobs near the edge of Ponyville. "I mean him."

Luna searched for a bit, before her eyes widened. "You mean..."

"Yes."

"But... why now? After so very long?"

Celestia let her wings span out. "That is what we must find out."

"Jesus Christ, Morty, will you stop being such a big baby?"

"Shut up, okay?! You're not the one who got stung by a, lion, scorpion, bat thing!"

"And I shot it and cured the urp venom, right? You could at least be thankful."

"I only got stung because you pushed me into the damn thing!"

"And if I didn't, it would've gotten us both, so, just shut the hell up and carry the urp flowers."

Morty just grumbled as he followed Rick back into the town, occasionally scratching his arm where he was stung.

The second trip through the town was about the same as the first, though now Rick was looking through some hand-scribbled notes he had made.

"Let's see, got the flowers, now just need... and... Alright, Morty, you still with me?"

"It's not like I have a choice, or anything..."

"Great, because now we need to-"

At that moment, both of them were picked up in a cloud of purple magic, before they were pulled inside the castle they had wandered next to.

"Don't you two know you could cause a panic just wandering around out there?!" Twilight Sparkle shouted once she dropped them from her magic, causing them both to land less than gracefully.

Rick was the first one to get back up, dusting off his coat. "Yeah, well, here's a rebuttal: I don't give a urp fuuuuuck." Suddenly, his eyes widened, and he snapped his fingers in triumph. "Wait, this is perfect! Morty, come here!"

Morty rubbed his head as he got back to his feet. "What is it now, Rick?"

Rick wasted no time before shoving a cup and lid into his grandson's hands. "I need you to, to rub this pony's urp horn until, uh, stuff comes out and catch it into this jar!"

Twilight's face lit up in a bright blush immediately, while Morty recoiled is disgust. "Augh, what the hell, Rick! You want me to just, jack her horn off!"

"Exactly, Morty!"

"I don't- Rick, that's disgusting! Why would you even ask me to do that?!"

"Because, Morty, I know you've had plenty of experience polishing cylindrical objects."

Morty had no answer to that.

"W-Wait!" Twilight shouted, still blushing. "W-why would you even n-need to do that?"

Rick grabbed Twilight by the shoulders and got in her face, making her reflexively scrunch her nose from the smell. "Listen to me, uh, uh...."

"...Twilight?"

"Yeah, whatever," Rick continued, "as strange as it sounds, I need your horn juice as an ingredient for something I'm making for my own dimension! It's urp like a, uh, super drug or something." He got even closer to her face. "Listen to me, Dwight, people will die if I can't make the, uh, thing! With your horn juice, Dwight!"

Frantically looking at Rick for a few seconds, Twilight then closed her eyes and let out a sigh. "Alright. I... I guess I'll... d-do it..."

Rick almost threw her away from him. "Great! Thanks for your help, Dwight!"

"It's... Twilight..."

Now with some amount of context on why Rick needed this stuff, Morty was slightly less averse to the task ahead of him, but not by much. "A- Are you sure about this, Rick? I mean, couldn't we just, uh, ask her to, um, do it herself?"

"It doesn't work like that, Morty, it needs to be urp fresh from the source, and by another party!" He took a swig. "It's, like, magic or some shit, it just knows somehow, I dunno."

Neither Twilight nor Morty could stand to make eye contact with one another, the latter very uncomfortable and the former still blushing furiously. "W-W-Well, okay, I guess..."

He slowly brought his hand near her horn, but stopped, unsure how to proceed. Likewise, Twilight reflexively backed away a bit, equally unsure.

Rick rolled his eyes. "God, can you two hurry it up? It's like watching a pair of virgins."

Twilight's blush intensified while Morty gave the most hateful look he could manage at that moment.

Rick let out a sigh. "Whatever, while you two do that, I'm gonna urp get that other, thingy. For the drug."

With that, he walked outside, taking another swig.

By now, the citizens of Ponyville were slightly more used to the creatures walking around their streets, if only because they kept to themselves and never really said anything to them. They still gave Rick a wide berth though, partly from fear, and partly from the smell emanating from his person.

He didn't care, though. As far as he was concerned, this was a plus. He didn't feel like dealing with too much cartoon horse bullshit today. Sure, he had been here before, but that was so long ago he honestly didn't remember much. He had the feeling he was forgetting something vitally important, but he shook it off and took another drink. If it really was important, he'd figure it out before long, probably.

Eventually, he spotted a building that looked like it was made of gingerbread and other assorted sweets, so he walked inside.

"Heya! Welcome to Sugarcube Corner!" greeted the mare behind the counter, who was far too pink for her own good, and was so caught up in her excited greeting that she didn't even open her eyes.

When she did, though, they widened considerably at the sight of Rick.

He was far less concerned, however. "Hey, pink horse, gonna need a box of..." He looked at the display case inside the counter and pointed to a plate of brownies, "those things, to go."

Though she wanted to ask many, many, many questions, the mare realized that business came first. "Coming right up, Mister Strange Creature!"

"Call me urp Rick."

"You got it, urp Rick!" the mare replied, mimicking Rick's belch.

Rick just stared ahead, unamused.

All at once, the pony became a pink blur behind the counter, quickly packaging up a box of brownies and bringing it with her to the register. "That'll be six bits, please!"

Rick patted his pockets. "You accept schmeckles?"

"...excuse me?"

"How about flerbos?"

She just stared at him.

"Dollars?"

"...we only accept bits, sir," the mare said, smiling awkwardly.

Rick was entertaining the idea of just taking the food and running, but then something occurred to him. "Wait, hold on, I'll urp be right back, pinky."

He took out a strange device from his coat, pointed it at the air next to him, and fired it at the air next to him, causing a glowing green disc to stretch into existence. He jumped through, and it closed behind him.

The mare just stared ahead, slack jawed. "How did he know my name?"

Suddenly, the portal opened again, and Rick returned, holding a pair of gold coins. "Alright, this is urp all I could find, these work?"

He tossed the coins on the counter, and the mare picked them up to inspect them, before letting out a massive gasp. "These are old Equestrian bits! They're worth a fortune!"

"That's a yes then!" Rick nonchalantly took the box and started walking out, leaving the dumbfounded mare behind as he laughed.

Back in the open air, he was starting to head back to Morty and Dwight when he noticed something out of the corner of his eye.

On the side of a nearby mountain, there was a castle, which was odd enough, but even more odd were the two blobs approaching from it, one white and one dark blue.

Curious, Rick slowed his walk slightly as he looked closer, trying to see what they were. As they got closer, he couldn't shake the feeling that something about them felt familiar...

And then his eyes widened in recognition.

"Ooooooooh shit!" he cried out, now breaking into a full sprint back to Morty, not caring about how his actions caused surrounding ponies to begin crying out in fear and running away.

Rick wasted no time in bashing through the door to the castle, finding a heavily blushing Twilight and a very uncomfortable looking Morty holding a sealed cup of a glowing purple substance.

"O-Okay, Rick, I got-"

"No time, Morty!" Rick shouted, startling them both. "We have to go, now!"

"Wait, wha-"

Morty was cut off as Rick fired a portal into the air behind him and threw Morty in, before jumping in himself.

The moment they were both through, the portal closed, and shortly after the front door was blown off its hinges by the sudden arrival of Celestia and Luna.

"Where did he go?" Celestia asked, looking around frantically.

"Twilight, tell us!" Luna said, getting into her face.

Twilight, to her credit, managed to keep her cool more than most ponies would. "What the everloving hay is going on?!"

The moment Rick and Morty were back in their garage, Rick let out a victory yell. "Alright! We did it, Morty! We urp got the things! Suck my diiiiiiiiiiiick, cartoon horses!"

"Rick, what the hell was that about?" Morty asked, putting the jar of horn extract onto Rick's work table. "Why did we have to leave so quickly?"

Rick paused. "Uh, horse cops. Yeah, that's it. Trust me, you don't wanna go to urp horse prison, Morty. It's like normal prison, but everything's bigger where it counts."

"What do you..." Morty trailed off as understanding washed over him. "...oh. Gross."

"Don't worry about it, Morty," Rick said, putting everything onto his work table. "Now we can make some mad bucks!"

"What?! You said this would save lives!"

Rick scoffed. "Yeah, Morty, our lives. I can make some killer ripnaxaline, that shit fucks you up!"

"And how in the hell does that help us, Rick?!"

"Because it urp sells, Morty! Just one batch can get us, like, at least three thousand schmeckles!"

Morty let out an anguished cry. "You mean I jerked off a unicorn for nothing but a quick buck?! I can't believe you, Rick!"

After that, Morty stormed out of the garage, while Rick just rolled his eyes and took a drink, before eating a brownie right after.

"Oh, shit, these are good. Should probably urp go there more often."

The Rick-turn

Author's Note

psst the title is supposed to be a pun with the word return if you didn't get it okay I'll leave now

The Rick-turn

"NO, Rick!"

"Oh come on, Morty, don't be like that!"

"You made me perform a sexual act just so you could earn money! You- You literally whored me out, Rick!"

"Alright, fine, I'm sorry. Happy now?"

Morty just rolled his eyes. "Yeah, that helps a looooot."

"I swear to god, Morty, one of these days I'm just gonna urp smack the shit out of you."

"I'm still not going back just to help you turn another profit, Rick."

Rick threw his hands up in the air. "I don't see what the fucking problem is with getting some cash out of our little adventures!"

"At least don't lie to them about it!" Morty shouted back.

"Would you two stop yelling so much?!" Summer shouted from the kitchen, "I'm trying to do homework!"

"It's a matter of exploitation!" Morty shouted back.

"It's a matter of Morty being a giant pussy!" Rick yelled in return.

"Shut the hell up, Rick!" Morty rebuked.

Suddenly, the door to the kitchen slammed open, revealing a very angry Summer. "Oh my God, both of you shut the hell up!"

"But he-"

"I don't care, Morty, just go with him! We both know Rick won't listen to any moral reasoning we try!"

"It's true," Rick replied, taking a swig.

"But-"

"Morty, stop being a little bitch and go!" Summer yelled.

"Yeah, urp Morty, stop being a little bitch!" Rick added.

Morty let out a strangled cry. "Fine, I'll go along with your stupid, lying, whatever plans, Rick!"

"Finally!" Rick took out his portal gun and opened one up in the floor. "No time to waste, let's go!"

With that, he grabbed Morty's arm and jumped right in, the boy's scream cut off by the portal closing.

Summer huffed. "About damn time..."

Rick and Morty emerged from the other end of the portal in much the same way they went in, with Rick calmly landing on his feet while Morty screamed until he just barely managed to hit the ground with his feet first, wobbling slightly to keep his balance.

"Could you stop, uh, pulling me through portals, Rick?" he asked. "It makes it a lot harder to, you know, land on my feet."

"Shut up, Morty, look!" Rick said, pointing around him.

Their surroundings were entirely comprised of apple trees, each one packed with over a dozen of the bright red fruits. The apples themselves were a bit larger than normal apples, being big enough to almost not fit in one hand.

"See those apples, Morty?" Rick asked. "I need you to, uh, grab me, like, a bunch."

"Really, Rick? Apples? Why are we coming here just to do grocery shopping?" Morty picked a stray apple off the ground and looked at it. "Although, they do look kinda good, I guess..."

He was about to take a bite out of it, when suddenly Rick smacked it out of his hands.

"Wha- Hey, what the hell, Rick?!"

"Don't eat the apples," Rick said simply. "They have some chemical in it that causes a literal dependency on these specific apples. It wouldn't be so bad at first, but if you went about six months without having a single bite of another one, you would urp literally die, Morty."

"Wh- What?! Why would they do that, Rick?"

"I don't fuckin' know, they just grow like that," Rick answered. "Now come on, I still need you to grab some for me."

"Have you seen any signs of him since?"

"I'm afraid not, Celestia. It was like he just vanished into thin air."

Celestia put a hoof to her chin in thought. Across the table, Twilight shifted uncomfortably.

"You know, I never got to ask," Twilight eventually said, "why do you care about these creatures so much? I mean, sure, they appeared out of nowhere and then left just as quickly, but-"

"It is just the one creature," Celestia interrupted. "The taller one. Luna and I had not seen him for thousands of years."

Twilight balked. "He was here before? And that long ago?"

Celestia nodded. "It may take a while, but I would like to explain the true nature of that creature."

Twilight leaned forward, eyes sparkling with barely restrained joy.

By now, Rick had a full bag of apples, and Morty was busy removing various twigs and bits of leaves out of his hair.

"Jeez, Morty, have you never climbed a tree before?"

"We have computers and TV, Rick, why would I ever climb a tree for fun?"

Rick rolled his eyes. "Kids today, I urp swear..."

The two of them continued towards the same town they visited last time. Once they were close enough to clearly see the ponies, something occurred to Morty.

"Say, Rick, how come some of the ponies here are, like, unicorns and, um, pegasuses, like myths we have on Earth?"

"First, it's pegasi, Morty," Rick corrected, "second, it's a coincidence. You get infinite universes, some of them are bound to have another universe's bits as pieces of fiction."

"Huh, I guess that makes sense..."

"Plus, this dimension is basically an alternate version of our own, so there's that."

"Wait, what? Does that, uh, mean there's a, like, pony version of us here somewhere?"

"I dunno, maybe."

Unable to argue with such a response, Morty stayed quiet the rest of the way through the town, both of them ignoring the looks from nearby ponies.

"So, uh, Rick, what's the other thing we need?"

"A few pegasus feathers."

The moment he said that, every pegasus in earshot turned tail and flew away, screaming.

"Oh, dammit." Rick took a swig out of mild defeat.

"Well, you screwed that one up, Rick," Morty said, failing to not be smug.

"Shut up, Morty, we can still urp get results out of this." He snapped his fingers as an idea came to him. "I know, we can visit your girlfriend again!"

Morty frowned hard enough to make a certain pink pony shiver uncontrollably, despite Rick's laughter. "Not funny, Rick."

"Haha, it's pretty damn funny, Morty! Want me to mathematically prove it to you?"

Morty just said nothing as Rick continued laughing, and soon they were once again at the same castle they arrived in last time.

"Shh, Morty, wait," Rick said, just as Morty was about to knock on the door. "Look over there."

Morty looked, which was hard not to do because of Rick moving his head for him, and he saw a blue pegasus sleeping on a low-flying cloud, its mane and tail very, very brightly rainbow hued.

"Uh, okay?" Morty said, confused. "What about it, Rick?"

"Don't you remember what I just urp said? We need pegasus feathers! Go get 'em, Morty!"

Morty's eyes went wide. "Rick! You can't just, like, send me after every pony you need something from!"

Rick rolled his eyes. "Okay, jeez, I'll handle this one, then."

He started walking up to the sleeping pony, not bothering to be sneaky. When he got up to it, he nudged it awake.

"Huh... uh... what...?" she asked, groggily bringing her head up.

Rick didn't even answer as he pulled something out of his jacket and touched it to her, causing her to jerk wildly before falling off the cloud and hitting the ground, out cold.

Morty let out a small scream. "Oh my God, what the hell did you do, Rick?!"

"Calm down, I just tazed 'em," Rick explained, already kneeling down to take some feathers.

"Why would you do that?! You can't just taze people on the street like a, like a maniac!"

"Look, Morty, people have tried to kill us for far less than what we're doing here," Rick explained, pocketing a handful of feathers he grabbed. "The way I see it, we might as well keep going while we urp still have the culture difference excuse on our sides."

"What the hell are you talking about, Rick?!"

Twilight sat back, dumbfounded. "I... I had no idea, Celestia."

The white alicorn nodded sadly. "Now you know the truth. Which is why we must-"

Suddenly, the two heard shouting from outside. After a moment, Twilight's eyes lit up with recognition.

"Wait a second, that's the voice of the one that was with him!" she said.

The two raced to the nearest window, where they spotted those same two creatures, who appeared to be arguing about something while standing some distance away from an apparently sleeping Rainbow Dash, who appeared to have fallen off her cloud at some point, somehow.

Though Twilight had many questions, which seemed to be a constant with these two creatures at all times, Celestia's eyes narrowed. "Is Luna awake?"

"I am, sister," Luna answered from behind them, trotting up to the window as well. "Do we have a plan?"

"We could pull him inside and restrain him," Celestia offered. "At least long enough to get him to talk to us."

"...why wouldn't you just go out and talk to him?" Twilight asked. "Is he dangerous, or something?"

"No!" both princesses answered sharply, causing Twilight to shrink back.

Celestia looked away sheepishly. "I am sorry, Twilight, but... well, you understand, do you not?"

"I... yes I do, Celestia."

They all looked out the window just in time to see the taller being begin to pull something out of his jacket.

Twilight's eyes widened, and on reflex she extended her magic towards him, causing him to stop what he was doing and look at the glow surrounding himself worriedly, and they could faintly hear him shouting in surprise.

Twilight then quickly pulled him through the door, closing it once he was through. The other being let out his own scream, before running after his partner and beating on the door. The three princesses ignored him, however, in favor of the creature struggling against Twilight's magic hovering just off the ground.

"What the fuck are you doing?!" Rick asked, mostly directed at Twilight. "Put me down!"

"Not until you tell us some answers," Celestia said, walking into Rick's line of sight, causing him to cease struggling and shouting.

Slowly, Twilight released her magical hold, lowering Rick to the ground. When he didn't try to run away, she let go completely.

Luna now stood alongside her sister. Rick looked at them both, his face steady.

At that point, Morty managed to break down the (unlocked) front door. "Alright, let Rick go or I'll... I'll..."

He faltered at the sight of three princesses looking at him, as well as Rick, who was not struggling, being restrained, or even very angry, from the looks of things. "Hey, Morty," he greeted, nonchalantly.

"Well, it's been a long time, Celestia, Luna," he continued, nodding at both of them in turn. Morty said nothing, confused as to where this was going.

Celestia nodded back. "Indeed it has...

"...father."

Expo-Rick-tion

"WHAT?!" Morty screamed, shattering the silence that had fallen over the group.

"Jeez, Morty, calm down," Rick calmly said, taking a swig. "Not like you haven't found out stranger things about me."

Morty's shock died down slightly. "I, I know, Rick, but still, this is... How?! Why?!"

"Long story, Morty. Would take a while to get all the way urp through it."

"We have time," Luna said. "After all, we still need to ask you some questions of our own, father."

Rick sighed. "Alright, I guess it's story time. See, when I came here for the first time, I was still a different person." He took another swig. "I hadn't accepted the inevitability of death and the overall pointlessness of prolonged existence yet."

"Oh, uh, wow, Rick, that's pretty depressing," Morty commented.

"Welcome to the club, Morty. Anyway, I found this urp dimension by chance, and honestly Morty the ponies were pretty fucked back then, what with them constantly on the edge of a race war and with the sun and moon on a decaying orbit."

Twilight looked confused, before turning to Celestia. "You didn't tell me-"

"Shut up, Dwight, I'm not finished," Rick interrupted. "Anyway, being the naive scientist I was back then, I decided to give the ponies a leader, or two, or something." He took another swig, then motioned at both Celestia and Luna. "Took some bits of unicorn, pegasus, and, uh, the third one-"

"Earth pony," Celestia helpfully added.

"Yeah, that one, took DNA from all three and funneled them into a gestation machine, along with some human DNA. And since I was the only human here..." He shrugged. "And next thing you know, bam, I got these two."

Morty was mortified. "You mean these two were the product of, of, like, some sort of sick science project?"

"Nothing wrong with gestating life remotely via collected DNA, urp Morty," Rick said. "The tricky part was trying to figure out their bullshit 'magic' enough so they could literally move the sun and moon with telekinetic force."

Morty looked at the two princesses. "And, and you two are okay with that?!"

"Father told us our origin fairly early on," Celestia said. "While I certainly had a small crisis upon learning it, in hindsight I appreciate the honesty."

"But there's one thing I don't get," Twilight spoke up. "That was thousands of years ago, Rick. Where were you in the meantime?"

"Yes, father," Celestia added, "where exactly were you?"

Rick stopped mid-swig. "Wait, thousands? I was only gone for, like, forty-something years." Suddenly, his eyes widened slightly. "Wait, Morty, how urp long ago did we come here?"

"I dunno, a few days, I think."

Twilight tilted her head and arched an eyebrow. "But you two were just here this morning..."

Morty just looked between Rick and the three ponies, confused. "Rick, what does that mean?"

"Well, clearly, Morty, this dimension exists in such a way that its timeline in relation to our own changes exponentially," Rick explained. "A few days in ours is a few hours here, but the longer we stay in our own dimension the more time will pass here."

Everyone was completely silent for a moment.

"R-Rick, that makes no sense!" Morty finally said. Rick only shrugged in response.

"But I must know," Luna said, taking a step forward. "Why now, father? Why choose to come back now?"

Morty realized something, and he grew a small, smug smirk. "Yeah, Rick, you gonna tell them why you came here?"

"Shut up, Morty," Rick said. "Anyway, I just needed to grab some things for a business venture."

"...what?"

"Honestly, I had... well, kinda forgotten about you two," Rick continued.

Celestia gasped. "How could you forget us, father?"

"Look, a loooooot of shit happened in the time since I left, and, hell, I'm getting kinda old, too." He pointed at Morty. "Speaking of, meet my grandson, Morty."

Luna and Celestia looked at each other, before Luna spoke. "Grandson? We have another sibling?"

"Well, I mean-"

"You came here on a business venture?!" Twilight suddenly asked, her face bent in fury. "You mean I did... that for you just for a profit?!"

"Did what?" Celestia asked.

Rick ignored her. "Don't act like it was that bad, Dwight. I'm sure Morty urp enjoyed it, at least."

Morty's smug expression was replaced with one of shock and rage. "Oh no, Rick, don't you dare think about throwing me under the bus, you son of a bitch! You used me, too! Just so you could make your, your stupid space weed!"

"God, what is everyone's problem with this? One time I use horn extract, and now everyone's jumping down my throat!"

"Horn ext-" Luna blushed slightly when understanding hit her. Celestia reached the same conclusion at the same time. "Oh."

"Anyway, Luna, yeah, I had a daughter. At least a 'real' one." Rick took another drink. "Then she married an idiot who got her pregnant, and once they had one kid they decided to have another for some reason. That's urp Morty."

Morty paused. "Wait, does that mean... these two are like, my aunts?"

Rick shrugged. "Sure, I guess, if you wanna get technical."

"Are we all just going to gloss over how I was used?!" Twilight shouted angrily.

"Join the club, pal," Morty said. "Worst part is, I've seen Rick do, like, way worse stuff for less."

Celestia and Luna shared a look.

Rick looked at one of his many watches. "Welp, we spent enough time on this reunion, I think," he said, before pulling out his portal gun and firing it next to himself. "Let's go, Morty. Later, Luna and Tia! Wubba lubba dub dub!"

Rick didn't wait for any responses as he jumped through the portal, and Morty only gave a look back as he followed, and it closed.

Now that there were only three of them in the room, Luna let out a sigh. "He has changed, hasn't he, Tia?"

"Indeed. I do not remember him being so... What is the word I'm looking for?"

"Callous?" Twilight spat out.

"Careless?" Luna offered.

Celestia shook her head. "No, it was like... it felt like he had just... given up at some point."

Luna's ears drooped. "On us?"

"No, on... everything, I suppose."

"Hmm. It is true I don't remember him... drinking so much," Luna conceded.

"At least his grandson- or, our nephew, I suppose, seems nice enough," Celestia said. Suddenly remembering the other pony in the room, she turned to Twilight. "So what was this about the both of you 'being used'?"

Twilight blushed and looked away. "I don't wanna talk about it."

When Morty and Rick reappeared in the garage, neither of them said anything at first. Once Rick had placed both sets of items they gathered on the table, however, Morty found his voice.

"Say, Rick, what did you need the apples and feathers for, even? Making some, like, space heroin? Or some sort of multicolor cocaine?"

"Nope," Rick said simply. "The car needs gas. The stuff I can brew up with these lasts for, like, a year, Morty."

Morty was shocked. "...oh, huh. Guess you aren't selling this one, then?"

Rick scoffed. "God, no. I'm not letting any of those dumbasses get ahold of this stuff."

"You know, Rick, you have, um, some really weird priorities, sometimes, you know?"

"Bite me, Morty."

Morty was about to go inside the house, when he thought of something else. "Say, are we... going to tell Mom?"

"About what?"

"About... well," he looked around before speaking more softly, "my... 'aunts'?"

Rick paused in his work. "Look, Morty, how about you keep your mouth shut about that for now, urp alright? This family is already on the brink of shattering without me bringing horse experiments to the table."

With no further rebuttal that could be made on the subject, Morty went inside.

Ricks Up Their Sleeves

Author's Note

I'm at the point where I'm just trying to think up halfway-relevant puns for chapter titles, so don't expect much there anymore.

Ricks Up Their Sleeves

"Morty! Stop fucking whining and shoot them!"

"I- I'm trying, Rick! But they're too fast!"

"Shoot where they will be, not where they urp are!"

"This would be a lot easier if you would stop driving all over the place!"

Rick just rolled his eyes as he also rolled his car, evading another set of lasers from their pursuers. They were checking out another distress signal, and it turns out it was a trap set by space pirates, something which Rick pointed out had a one in ten chance of happening, anyway.

Morty didn't much care about the odds of the scenario, however, in favor of doing his best with the rear-mounted gun to keep them away. Though he never scored any hits, he did prevent the pirates from lining up a good shot by forcing them to keep performing evasive movements.

Eventually, though, Morty's half of the ship went quiet. "Morty, I'm not hearing shooting back there!"

"The- The gun's jammed, or something!"

Rick turned, and could see the barrel of the gun spitting out black smoke on the outside of the ship.

"God dammit, that's the last time I buy ship guns from Razzledroop Five..."

"W-w-what do we do, Rick?!"

"We're not going to die here, Morty," Rick said, already flipping several switches. "I got an idea, just hold onto something."

Getting back in the passenger seat and strapping himself in, Morty could only watch and try to hold in his stomach as Rick redoubled on his dodging, the pirates not ceasing in their pursuit.

One of them flew close to the top of the car, in an effort to ram them, but Rick dodged quickly, though recognition flashed on his face after doing so.

"Oh, shit, I know these guys," he said.

"What do you mean, you know them?!" Morty asked, already somewhat angry in preparation for Rick's response.

"I've run into them before, and it went about as well as expected. Plus, they can travel through dimensions, too, so we can't just zap ourselves home."

"Then where do we go?!"

Rick didn't answer for a bit, trying to think of a solution. Then, suddenly, he spotted his salvation up ahead. "Look at that, urp Morty! An asteroid field!"

"Why is that good?!"

"Because we can lose 'em in there!"

Before Morty could object any more, Rick careened right into the belt, now dodging both lasers and giant space rocks. Morty screamed the whole way, convinced that any moment could be the moment he dies.

Thankfully, the pursuers seemed to be having an equally hard time, and more than a few collided with an asteroid, reducing them to burning rubble in space.

A rather large asteroid lay ahead of them, and Rick took the chance. "Hold on, Morty, we're going in!"

"In?! Are you-"

Morty's whining was cut off as Rick sharply turned towards the asteroid, keeping just above the surface as if it were a really small planet.

The moment they entered a deep crater-slash-cavern on the rock, Rick quickly flipped several switches, and a glowing green portal was fired in front of them.

Even as they flew right through, Morty screamed the whole way.

Twilight Sparkle was having a good day. Spike and Starlight were back from Canterlot, she had just defeated a wild Ursa Major with the help of her friends yesterday, and she had finally managed to reorganize her entire library alphabetically by the authors' last letters in their names.

There was no way anything could go wrong today.

Recognizing that he was summoned to do his thing, Fate quickly got to work, and soon came up with the perfect plan to panic the pony princess.

A large green portal opened up in the air above the bookshelves, and before Twilight could realize that it looked familiar, a large unidentified object flew through, heading right for her. Twilight let out a yelp as she reflexively teleported away, ending up on the other side of the object. Her relief was short lived, however, as she could only watch in horror as the ship crashed right through all her hard work, scattering books and pieces of books everywhere.

Once the ship came to a stop, she ran up to it, just in time to see the cockpit open up and two very familiar figures to stumble out.

Morty was the first one out, looking like he just got off the world's worst roller coaster and was thankful to even be alive. Rick, as always, was nonchalant, and only took a swig from his flask as he hopped out of the ship.

"What?!" was the only thing Twilight's brain could manage to vocalize.

"Hey, Dwight, mind if we crash here a bit?" Rick asked, before suddenly smiling. "Heh, get it?"

Morty just looked at him. "Rick, that was terrible, for, like, a lot of reasons."

The door to the library burst open, and Starlight ran in with Spike on her back, both looking ready for either a fight or running away, depending on who you asked. "Twilight, are you okay?! We heard... a..."

Both of them could only stare at the new bipeds in the room, who looked back, mostly uninterested.

"Oh look, extras," Rick commented, taking another swig.

Starlight just looked back and forth between the three of them. "...Twilight? Who are they?"

Twilight chuckled nervously. "Well, you know about those strange... guests I said showed up while you were gone?"

Starlight eyed Rick uneasily, as he just looked around, seemingly bored. "Yes...?"

"Well..." Twilight smiled sheepishly and swept a hoof over the two. "Meet, er, Rick and Morty."

"H-Hey."

"Yo."

Starlight looked over the carnage behind them, as well as the crashed ship, and slowly nodded. "I'm just gonna go, to, uh... friendship problems."

She quickly dashed out of the room, leaving a confused Spike to fall on the ground, no longer on top of a pony. He just stared at the two humans, before following after Starlight. "Hey, wait up!"

Now that it was just the three of them, Rick turned back to Twilight. "So, Dwight, is that a yes?"

"My name is Twilight."

"That's not a no!"

Before she could raise any objections, Rick picked up a nearby fallen chair and sat in it, taking a deep drink from his flask.

Twilight just groaned, realizing that Rick likely wouldn't leave, even if she asked. "Why do you need to stay here, anyway?"

"Gotta lay low from some space pirates, we urp pissed them off."

"B-But Rick, couldn't we just, um, go home?" Morty asked.

"No can do, Morty. I've ran into these guys before, and they know what dimension I live in."

"W-What?!"

"Don't worry, this isn't the first time this happened, and they never involve innocents, even if they logically should. They're pirates, but they're morally upright pirates." He took another drink. "They'll just watch our house and hope we come back at some point, until they either get bored, or someone else pisses them off. They're, uh, very single minded."

"And about how long would this take?" Twilight asked, trying and failing to hide the irritation in her voice.

"Given the time disparity between our dimensions, I'd say... about a day here should be enough for the heat to die down."

Morty was just starting to calm down, but suddenly started to look nervous again. "Oh, Rick! What if, like, they follow us here?!"

"Don't worry, they can't track my every dimensional jump, and this dimension is far off the charted ones." Rick got up and walked over to the front of the car. "We'll be fine."

Twilight, meanwhile, was stuck on what he said. "Far off the charted... dimensions?"

She was ignored as Morty walked over to Rick. "What are you doing, Rick?"

"Trying to get the TV working," he answered, as if it was obvious.

"...you have a TV on the outside of the car?"

"I don't remember you being my urp mom, Morty," Rick countered.

"TV?" Twilight asked. "But how will you be able to get any stations? It's all cable here."

"One, that's terrible," Rick explained, finishing up whatever he was doing. "And two, I got this baby set up to pull shows from, like, every other dimension. It's pretty fuckin' sweet."

Now genuinely intrigued, Twilight trotted up just as Rick finished, and a screen extended from the ship. After a bit more fiddling, the screen turned on.

"Bingo!" Rick celebrated, reclaiming his seat. "Time to needlessly pander to the masses in the interest of padding out time with cheap comedy!"

"Wait, what-"

Twilight's question was cut off as Rick used a remote to change the channel.

"Are you tired of rampaging grumpleboxes ruining your zigzagros? Well, look no further than Stinky Pete's Insurance! We'll cover anything that could conceivably happen to your property, and then some!"

"My house was demolished by a gang of rowdy dinophradites, but thanks to Stinky Pete, now it's like nothing happened! ...except it smells."

"So come down to Stinky Pete's, where we, uh, replace your stuff and, well, stuff."

Twilight just stared in awe at the vast range of lifeforms and objects she just saw, trying and failing to comprehend it. Rick, meanwhile, just rolled his eyes. "Damn scam artists, the lot of those insurance people."

He once again changed the channel.

"Today, on How They Do It, we'll be looking at how Villizan machines are made. First, we-"

"Seen it," Rick interrupted the TV, as he changed the channel.

"Hey, I wanted to see that!" Morty complained.

"Well tough shit, it's my car, ergo my urp TV."

Twilight just said nothing as she kept watching the screen.

"From the people that brought you Ball Fondlers, comes a new show that we guarantee will blow your genitalia away: Pretty Little Horse Vampires."

As the screen showed an almost saccharine scene of boring characters, Rick scoffed. "Wow, that looks like shit. Who would want to see a show about multicolored horses doing multicolor horse things?"

"Well, Rick, maybe some people, uh, like that sort of thing, I guess?" Morty suggested.

"Well, they'd be fucking disgusting, if you ask me," Rick countered.

Twilight, meanwhile, suddenly felt very self-conscious for some reason.

"God, nothing's on!" Rick complained, as he quickly flipped through channels.

"What would you say about-"

"-only work on high-"

"-first, we need to talk about p-"

"-AAAAAAAAAAAAA-"

"-right, let's check it out..."

"-with the all new-"

Eventually, Rick finally found something he decided was worth watching. "Oh, hell yes, Ball Fondlers is on!"

"Oh, sweet!" Morty said, grabbing his own chair and sitting next to Rick.

While the two of them basked in the sheer masculinity of the action onscreen, Twilight could feel her head starting to hurt. "Well, uh, I'll be... somewhere else."

"Yeah, cool, Dwight," Morty said, making Twilight frown as she walked out.

Back outside the ruined library, Twilight came face to face with Starlight, who was looking behind her, curious. "What are they...?"

"Watching TV," Twilight deadpanned, rolling her eyes.

"But... why are they here?"

"Apparently Rick, the tall one, made some pirates angry, and he's hiding out here for a little while."

Starlight looked between Twilight and the two humans. "Do you want me to get Spike, so you can tell the other princesses?"

Twilight thought for a bit. "No, I don't think that will be necessary." She didn't think dropping Rick's family ties onto Starlight would end very well, just yet...

Rubbing her head in frustration, Twilight walked past Starlight. "If you need me, I'll be having a drink."

"Wait... since when do you drink?"

"Since five minutes ago."

Starlight just watched Twilight slink away, before peeking back inside the library, where Rick and Morty were cheering after a particularly gory explosion on the TV.

Maybe she should start drinking, too...

Something Something Rick

Twilight glanced into what was left of her library, frowning. Rick and Morty had been sitting in there, watching TV, for more than a few hours now. Every time she tried to get them to move, they'd mutter out some variation of "No," and just continue watching the screen. At one point, she even overheard Rick saying that the coast should be clear for them now, and yet still they remained.

On top of that, Spike kept trying to join them, but Twilight did her best to refuse. She had seen a good amount of the programs that they were watching, and she decided that they were a bit too mature for a baby dragon to watch, no matter how much that same dragon complained about it.

Starlight, meanwhile, had left the castle entirely, saying she was going out to do "something something friendship lessons, or something." Twilight didn't get a chance to question her on what exactly she meant by that, as Starlight teleported away immediately after saying it.

Both princesses were still oblivious to Rick's presence this time, as far as Twilight knew, and she was still unsure if she'd even let them know, anyway. After all, between the TV and his copious drinking, Rick wasn't really in any sort of state for serious conversation.

That didn't stop him from talking, though. "H- Hey, Morty, why don't you go urp pay your girlfriend a visit, eh?"

"Shut up, Rick, you purposely manipulated both of us into doing that."

"Oh shit, Morty knows big words!" Rick yelled into the air dramatically. "He can actually learn! It's a miracle!"

"We've been going on these bullshit adventures for a couple years now!" Morty shouted back. "I know what you think of me, but I'm not retarded!"

"I thought you shouldn't say 'retarded', Morty?" Rick asked, giving a smug smile.

Morty seemed shocked at the revelation, before he let out a strangled cry. "That's it, you drunk piece of-!"

Twilight chose that time to teleport between them, physically separating the two humans before they could come to blows with one another. "You two, stop fighting!"

"Fuck you, Dwight!" Rick yelled. "Let me at that little retarded cocksucker!"

"Shut the hell up, Rick!"

"Both of you be quiet!" Twilight shouted, silencing both of them. "Now, let's all take a moment to calm down..."

"Oh great, now she's playing therapist," Rick said, rolling his eyes.

"Yeah, that's pretty lame, Twilight," Morty added.

Twilight huffed. "Look, I'm the princess of friendship, okay? So it's my job to make sure friends like yourselves stay friends."

"We're not friends, we're family," Morty said. "It's completely different."

"And 'princess of friendship'?" Rick asked. "Sounds like they just made up a title for you so you'd be able to feel important, even though you do jack shit for the country."

"I'll have you know that I've saved-"

At that exact moment, deep in space, a pair of stars crossed orbits in such a way that a massive beam of gamma radiation was shot out through the cosmos, which had fully impacted the planet, which completely burned away any and all life in a matter of seconds, despite the beam lasting for centuries. After just a few minutes, the planet was reduced to nothing but a dried out piece of rock, all life on it completely and utterly wiped out.

The Rick and Morty of that dimension perished with the planet, obviously, but there were still plenty of other Ricks and Mortys across the multiverse, as well as a number of different Equestrias. However, none of them ever saw fit to cross paths, and as such no version of Equestria was ever visited by a version of Rick and/or Morty again.

Author's Note

You thought it was a genuine update, but it was actually april fools

Also fun fact, that shit with gamma radiation can literally happen at any time to our own planet, as well as any number of instant cosmic death

Have a nice day