Late into the night, far after most ponies would have said their goodnights, and their "I love you's." Alone a mare sat in her bedroom. The darkness of the night enveloped nearly everything within its grasp, the only solace from the darkness within this room, was nothing more than the rhythmic beats of a small flame. A small flame that danced upon the wick of a single candle. Usually this candle would've been blown out hours ago by the mare that sat nearby, upon her bed of clouds. But this wasn't a usual night. Rainbow Dash sat shaking in the dim candle light, as if the light were protecting her from the dark. Not that the brash Pegasus was afraid of the dark. What a ridiculous thing to even suggest. The fear of the dark was such a thing for fillies and colts. Little ponies whom have nothing more serious to fear.
While the dark may not be the thing bothering the rainbow maned Pegasus this fateful night, bothered is something she most certainly was. In quite the urgent way. As she lay in bed, shaking violently. She was... crying. Crying as if she'd just been informed her mother hadn't "made it." Crying like as if she were just a small foal, who's just been on the receiving end of a couple hard smacks. The kind of hard pops across the face that'd leave a red hoof mark for hours. She cried. And cried. Her eyes stung and her throat was sore and dry as sandpaper. The distraught mare was forced out of her crying a few short moments by brief a coughing fit. The coughs were raspy and painful to her already irritated throat. Soon her coughs were stopped by a short wheeze that sent her right back into her sorrowful crying.
Months. For months this has been happening. Granted most nights she would've gotten her fill of bawling like a baby long ago. But this night was different. Nothing especially upsetting had happened that day, but something inside her had just collapsed. As if her fragile heart, shielded by fake confidence and pride; wrapped in bandage, had just given way, and no longer could she take it. Fresh tears welled and run from her scarlet eyes. She did her best to slow these tears. Unfortunately to no avail.
Minutes and more minutes passed. Minutes that seemed more like an eternity. Dash wiped her burning eyes, and did her best to breathe. Her breaths were short and shaky. A moment of silence...
"FUCK!"
Dash screamed, punching the wall to her side. Despite their cloudy makeup, the walls were in fact sturdy and rather hard. She left a sizable dent, and a sharp wave on pain shot up her hoof, making her wince. The pain in her hoof didn't go away immediately, but it didn't bother her. Her mind was much too focused on other things. One word in particular replayed itself over and over in her mind. She couldn't help but mumble it to herself..
She spoke so quietly, even she could barely hear it. A small whimper. Hardly a whisper. "Why...?" She spoke slowly. The word had been repeated many times in her mind these last few months. Like a broken record.
Why did this have to happen to her? Why couldn't she be happy? No matter how far along she's come in life. She was a Wonderbolt. A best friend to the princess of friendship. Element of loyalty. Not to mention the upcoming one year anniversary for her and the best, pink marefriend she could ask for. She had it all. But at the same time.. She felt she had nothing. Why of all ponies her? This constant, crushing depression. The constant sadness. It was painful. Suffocating.
"Why?" She said to herself once more. "Why.. why.. WHY CAN'T I JUST BE HAPPY!?" Once more Dash yelled to herself in dark. She grabbed the vase on her night stand and smashed it with all her might and frustration against the wall. Shards and shrapnel from the shattering glass flew everywhere, many pieces finding themselves stuck in Rainbow Dash's shaking forehoof. Easily going through the soft pony flesh. It should've hurt. Badly. But the adrenaline pumping and burning through Dash's veins prevented her from feeling some of the pain. It hurt... but not as bad as it could've been. What she did feel however, was the warm trickle of blood that was flowing out many fresh cuts. Thick and dark. It dripped down her forehoof and dribbled on her bed sheets.
"Shit..." Mumbled the Pegasus quietly to herself. Dash knew she didn't have any grade A medical equipment laying around the house. But it'd not be wise to leave herself like this. So piece by piece she began removing shards of glass. Each one more painful to remove than the last. There weren't that many, there was however an especially large piece that Dash hesitated to pull out. She gripped the protruding object in her teeth, and with a swift tug she yanked it from her hoof. She growled in pain as the glass came free, and allowed a new stream of blood to flow from the cut. Much to Dash's relief, that was the last one.
She looked at her hoof. It was bleeding, a lot. Not profusely. Nor enough to be distressingly concerning. But the cuts from the glass weren't necessarily light ones. Something about the blood flow was comforting though. Seeing her thick, reds running down her hoof. It was even relaxing almost. Enough so a small smile managed to tug at her lips. She needed help. This she knew. But she didn't want to get it. Not that she didn't want to get better. This was far from the truth. She longed for that happiness she'd felt all those months ago. It'd felt like forever since she'd been genuinely happy. She wasn't sure if it was fear that made her reluctant to get help. Or maybe embarrassment? Who really knows? All Dash knew is she wasn't the least bit comfortable telling others about her issues.
Though.. It'd seemed that if Dash didn't do anything soon, her friends would be finding out her dirty little secret. It'd become apparent to them that something with their dear Rainbow Dash wasn't right. She was flying less. She was spending more time by herself. When she did join them on an outing she was quieter than usual. They'd asked her time and time again if anything was amiss. But time and time again Dash assured them everything was alright. But it wasn't. It wasn't alright at all... She'd even been spending less time with Pinkie pie. Which had indeed upset her special somepony. The usually upbeat, energetic, party planner, naturally had been the most concerned for Rainbow's well being. Over and over, she reminded her marefriend that if anything were wrong, she'd be there. And every time, Dash simply smiled and kissed her beloved warmly. Assuring her that everything was fine. Even if it wasn't really..
The adrenaline from earlier was beginning to die down, causing a whole new type of pain in Rainbow's hoof. Nothing a tough Pegasus like her couldn't stand, she had quite an impressive pain tolerance. Though it still wasn't by any means a pleasant feeling.
Dash had to restrain herself from a well deserved face-hoof. Why the hell had she smashed that Celestia damned vase? Rainbow Dash sighed a sad and angry sigh. She needed to find a way to patch herself up. Using her good hoof, she wiped away whatever traces of earlier tears that may have been left behind. As did she move her bangs out from her eyes, and did her best to somewhat tame her messy mane.
With a grunt, Dash pulled herself from her bed and managed to get herself flying. The Pegasus knew all too well putting weight on her bleeding forehoof wasn't a good idea, and wanted to refrain from doing so if at all possible.
Rainbow Dash's cyan wings were far from being in good shape, as she carried herself to the bathroom, she felt her wings stiffen slightly upon every beat. Her wings were sore, and feathers left extremely unpreened. She hadn't really felt like taking quite good care of herself lately. She'd been lazy, and unmotivated. Just another fantastic side effect of whatever bull shit she'd been dealing with.
Upon arriving to her bathroom, Rainbow gave a tired sigh. Why was she even bothering? She didn't think she had any bandages or anything; and supposed it wasn't too late to just get back in her glass covered bed and go to sleep. Or perhaps only to find herself bawling like a baby again. As distraught as she was however, the Pegasus was able to shake away these destructive thoughts. "Just need something to wrap around these cuts." she said rather unenthusiastically.
The light from her bulb flipped on with a soft "click" of the light switch, filling the small room with a much needed light. Dash stared at her reflection in the mirror, and for the first time that night, Dash got a good look at herself. She looked awful. A mane that many ponies would consider beautiful and stunning, was now patchy and knotted. Loose hairs protruding every which way from her head. Her eyes were bloodshot much worse than she'd expected. Dark red in place of white sclera; puffy and wet. And the bags underneath her eyes were almost unreal. She looked as if she'd just been brought back from the dead. Her fur matted and greasy. The mere sight of herself was enough to send her back into tears. These tears were different however. These tears were not violent, nor were they out of sadness. The tears that now found themselves steadily streaming from Rainbow Dash's magenta eyes were of realization. "I-... I can't.." She sniffed. "I can't live like this anymore."
Ponies often say that the eyes are a window to the soul. That they reveal one's realist feelings. In that moment Dash knew it was true. Because in that moment, as she stared into the desperate, pitiful, eyes of her reflection. Something within her snapped. Broke. Dash, with her already injured hoof, punched the mirror with all the strength her current emotional and physical state would allow. She grunted, and the mirror with a loud, ear trembling crash shattered. This of course caused more thick, red blood to release itself from Dash's hoof. But she didn't care. It didn't matter now. And it most certainly won't matter soon.
A Pegasus mare of cyan color, flew from her bathroom, with a look more serious than any other she'd ever sported, spread across her face.
Rainbow Dash searched her drawers for paper and a pencil. It took a couple minutes, what with everything being so messy. But eventually she managed, and with paper and pencil in hoof, she found herself sitting down at her kitchen table. Having brought her candle to illuminate the area ever so slightly, she began to write..
" To my friends, family and anypony else it may concern..
I'm sorry you all have to find out like this. But there's no way in hell I'd be able to bring myself to say goodbye face to face. You all meant the world to me. You've been there for me. You've made me laugh, smile, and made my life all the more better. But it wasn't perfect. I don't know why, but I've felt like complete and total shit for many, many moons now. I just can't take it any more. I can take so much comfort in knowing that soon... everything will be alright. I love you all. I know I've always had too much pride to admit that. But it's true. Please don't think for a moment this is your faults. Pinkie Pie, my ever loved marefriend. You were one of the best things to ever happen to me. Your adorable smile, and high spirits always had this way of cheering me up. I hope you can move on after this. Promise me something Pinkie, never stop smiling. Even after all this. I need you to stay happy. Keep that mane of yours poof and cute. Scootaloo.. I know you're a bit too young to understand exactly why everything that happened it happening. But I want you to know, you're the little sister I've never had. I want you to chase your dreams. Do Equestria proud. Squirt, I want you to know you truly are the most awesome pony I've ever met. And I love you very much. To my parents... Though we've been rather distant as of late, you did one hell of a job raising me. Keep up the good work. You deserve better than this. So I'm sorry. Please forgive me. Love you. And finally, my girls. The best friends a pony could want. You've been there through thick and thin. I was extremely lucky to meet all of you. Love really can't do you and everypony else I've mentioned justice. But it's the best I can do. But we'll meet again. I promise. Cross my heart, and hope to fly. Stick a cupcake in my eye.
Goodbye everypony. It's been fun. But I just can't deal with this constant pain. I hope you understand. Ps. It'd mean a lot to me if one of you could look after Tank. He deserves better than me. Make sure he stays happy and comfortable."
At this point, tears were flowing from Dash's eyes like rivers. Completely soaking her once soft pelt. But she'd made up her mind. She was ending this, tonight. The lump is Dash's throat was like concrete, and the beat of her heart was sporadic. Despite this however Dash felt somewhat relived. Perhaps even a tad bit glad.
Taking up the note, Dash flew back to her bathroom in order to retrieve a special little something. A swift motion and the medicine cabinet flew open, letting out an eerie creak. Out Dash grabbed a small orange bottle. The contents of the bottle consisted of a large many small pills. On the bottle was written Rainbow Dash's name, the date in which these had been prescribed to her, as well as the warnings and directions for the drug. It'd been maybe a year or two since Dash had needed these, but she'd never really gotten around to throwing them out. Besides, at this point she was kinda glad she'd held on to them.
Dash sat upon her bed, note in hoof. She looked hesitantly at the small bottle for a moment, before taking a deep breath. "It's been nice." Were the last words to come from the Pegasus mouth, before said mouth was soon being filled with medication.
Pill after pill, Dash gulped them down. Until soon enough, nothing in the bottle remained. At first it was hardly noticeable, but soon enough the effects of the pills were seriously taking hold. Rainbow Dash's mind was swimming. Only to be silenced by the mare, as she lay her tired head down, for some much needed rest. On her night stand was a picture of her, and five other pony's. Each one, one of the closest bunch of ponies she'd ever had in her life. A small smile found it's way on her lips, and a single tear ran down Rainbow Dash's cheek. The framed picture of her and her girls was the last thing Rainbow Dash saw, before her vision began to blur, and eventually, fade to black.
Distant cries echoed. They almost didn't seem real. They were soft, and... familiar? A small groan escaped the lips of a certain cyan Pegasus. Her eyelids slowly fluttered open, being flooded by a bright light. "Where... Where am I?" mumbled the rainbow maned mare. It was then she felt something soft and warm pressed up against her side. Dash's eyes widened, she was surprised to find a one and only miss Pinkie Pie snuggled up to her. When had Pinkie...?
Wait..
Dash's eyes shot around the room, observing the all too familiar surroundings. She was in the hospital? At first she was a drawing a blank, she failed to recall exactly why she was laying in bed at what she only assumed was Ponyville hospital. But then it hit. It hit with the force of a thousand of Applejack's bucks. Her stomach froze.
"Oh fuck.."
It'd seemed however, that Rainbow Dash had said that a bit louder than she'd intended. Because with that, Pinkie's head shot up from it's resting place. She stared into Rainbow Dash's eyes, for much longer than Dash would've cared for. Not that she didn't love staring into the beautiful eyes of her marefriend. But now wasn't exactly the most comfortable time. Dash tried desperately to read the emotions on Pinkie Pie's face. But there were far too many things happening on the party pony's face to pinpoint what was going through her head. All Dash knew, is it certainly wasn't good. Pinkie's hair was straight as a ruler. Silky and shiny. Her baby blue eyes seemed off somehow. Rainbow Dash couldn't put her hoof on it, but they seemed different. More monotone perhaps? Lastly, aside from the tear stains running down the pink mare's cheeks, her fur seemed darker. Dash knew this side of Pinkie Pie all too well. Dash swallowed. Waiting for somepony to break the silence.
Nopony did. That is until Dash gulped hard, and opened her mouth to speak, she was however cut off by her marefriend's soft lips meeting her own. Dash's eye's went wide, pupils shrinking slightly in surprise. But she welcomed the sudden affection whole heartedly and melted into the kiss.
The kiss was cut off much sooner than Dash would've liked, as Pinkie separated lips and clung tightly around Rainbow's neck. The pink pony sniffed. "Why Dashie? Why didn't you tell somepony? Why were you so afraid?"
Rainbow searched desperately for an answer, and couldn't bring herself to find any. She only sat in silence, in the embrace of her most loved. After what seemed like forever, Pinkie released her grip in order to sit up and face Dash once more. "I love you so, so much Dash. I wouldn't be able to live with myself had you.... Y'know." Pinkie looked pained by just the thought of finishing that sentence.
"I know." Dash said with a sigh. "I- I'm so sorry Pinkie. I wasn't thinking. I was just so caught up in my emotions I didn't even stop to think about what I was doing. I should've come to you, I should've mmmpff-" Dash was once more cut off by a loving kiss. Though this one didn't last quite as long.
After the having broken off the kiss Pinkie sighed, and opened her mouth as if she were about to say something. But nothing came out. These kinds of situations were hard. They were hard, and sad. Especially for somepony like Pinkie Pie. She hated seeing her loved ones hurt. But to have a loved one actually attempt to take their own life... Pinkie Pie truly, for one of the first times in her usually upbeat, talkative life... was at a loss for words.
"Look Pinks.." Spoke Dash, slowly and sorrowfully. "I know you probably can't really think straight right now. I know this probably came as a surprise to everypony. I mean... It'd become obvious you girls had caught wind that something was off. But for it to have gone so far. I know no words could possibly make up for all this. No words can exactly explain why." Rainbow Dash paused to glance up at Pinkie, who sat wordless in front of her. Tears were flowing from her darkened blue eyes. The cyan mare swallowed hard and tried to concentrate her thoughts. She had to get this out correctly. "I was sad alright? Really, really sad. Nothing was enjoyable. Nothing was as bright as it used to be. Everything felt wrong, and blank. Black and white, and depressing. I guess last night.. It all just really hit me. I broke. I'm sorry Pinkie."
A long, rather awkward silence filled the room. The air around the pony's felt cold, and dead. Sad... yet.. Strangely relieving. Pinkie cleared her throat, and with a quiver to her voice "How are you doing now?" She asked.
This question took Dash somewhat off guard. How was she doing? Well let's recap. She's been in a constant state of sadness, negativity, and depression for months, no more than a few hours ago, she'd finally snapped and attempted to take her own life, then only minutes ago she'd woken up, only to discover she failed at life so hard, she even failed to end said life. No, Dash couldn't say she was doing extremely well. But she couldn't seem to bring herself to tell all this to her distraught marefriend. Not that she had to, her eye's said it all. They were still as broken and full of sadness as they'd been the previous night. Pinkie Pie easily caught onto this, the eyes are the windows to a pony's soul after all.
Pinkie sighed "Oh Dashie..." Fresh tears welled in her eyes. At this point, Dash could feel a few tears escaping her as well.
Dash moved Pinkie's straightened mane out from her eyes, in order to get a better look at the face of the party pony. "So I may not be doing so well. How are you doing?" Rainbow Dash hated to see Pinkie like this; to know it was her fault made it all the more painful.
Pinkie Pie took a deep breath, and wiped away her tears. "I really don't know Dash.. I guess all this just really came out of nowhere. I'm certainly feeling all downy and frowny... But I'm glad you're alright." Rainbow pulled Pinkie into a tight embrace. The blue Pegasus held Pinkie close, and with her wings wrapping themselves around the pony, held onto her as if life depended on it. The pink mare happily engaged. Seconds turned into minutes, and more minutes drew on. Both mares, somewhat shaken by the recent events desperately needed this. So in the silence, interrupted by nothing more than their slow and steady breaths, and the occasional sniffle, they sat and cuddled. The warmth from their figures bringing much needed, and much appreciated comfort to both mares. Unfortunately, as much as these two marefriends would've loved for their little cuddle session to last forever, they needed to move eventually. Rainbow Dash was the first to break their lovely silence.
"By the way Pinks.. How did you guys. Um.." She almost didn't want to finish the question, but the curiosity burned in the back of her mind. "How did you find out? Or.. find me all... you know?" Pinkie's ears flattened against her head. The party pony obviously wasn't too thrilled about being asked what she'd just been asked. Though she was clearly hesitant, she obliged and began to recall how it'd happened.
"Well... truth is, we wouldn't have found out in time if it hadn't been for Tank." Pinkie gave a half hearted chuckle. "Ha.. ha.. You really do have the best pet ever." She paused, shaking her head and taking a deep breath to continue. "Anyways.. I guess Tank had woken Twilight up banging against her window last night. At first Twi had been really annoyed, but Tank had looked really distressed, and frantic. Or as frantic as a tortoise can manage I suppose. She ended up following Tank to your house where she broke down the door with her magic. Tank led her to your bed... and- and.." Pinkie began to choke up again. Her voice became strained, and she suppressed the water works that were making their way up.
Dash placed a gentle kiss on the tip of Pinkie's nose. Which caused the earth pony to smile a bit. Albeit a very small smile. "It's okay Pinkie," Dash reassured. "You can skip that part if you want."
Pinkie nodded. "Right" She said.. "Where was I? Yeah.. So she called all of us saying it was an emergency. She'd went ahead and brought you to the hospital, and you were already here when everypony else arrived. Twilight showed us all the um.. The note. And well... we were all pretty upset. Everyone stayed here as long as they could before the nurse told us to leave. But they let me stay because you're my super duper special somepony. But mostly because I begged a bunch for them to let me stay and I think they got tired of putting up with me."
For what seemed like the hundredth time that morning, they sat in silence. Pinkie had finished her story and didn't know what else to say, and Dash was trying to think what she could say.
"What now?" Dash finally managed to speak.
Pinkie gave a small, reassuring smile. "Now.. I guess we just have to work through it. You're a tough pony right? I need you to promise me something okay Dashie? Pinkie promise me, if you ever even consider pulling this kinda thing again. Please talk to me before anything... "bad" happens." Pinkie had paused a bit before speaking the word "bad", a word she'd put a bit of emphasis on.
Dash chuckled, "Damn straight."
Pinkie giggled, and responded "Damn straight indeed."
It was odd to hear Pinkie curse. It seldom happened. It was adorable though, Dash had to admit. The Pegasus found herself giggling, only to be pulled into an extra passionate kiss from her marefriend. Time stood still, as these two filly friends held each other in loving embrace.
It wasn't over. Both ponies knew this. After all... this sort of thing can't exactly be solved in a day. But even though it wasn't yet over, both mares knew, somewhere in their hearts, that a happy ending was inevitable. The road ahead was bumpy, and unpleasant.
But after rain, comes a rainbow. And this Rainbow, was well on her way to sunnier days.
Author's Note
Hello everyone. I hope you all enjoyed this.
This fic was my first attempt at something somewhat tear jerking. Not like.. My little Dashie levels of tear jerking. But y'know. Anyhow.. Hopefully my inclusion of the PinkieDash ship doesn't ruin the story for anybody, as the pony Dash just so happens to be dating certainly isn't the focus of this story.
