Mindjackby Dennis the MenaceChaptersUnnatural BehaviorStandup ComedyI Am So Wet Right NowUnnatural BehaviorIt would be trite to start things with a sunrise over Canterlot, wouldn't it? Forgive me if I am tempted to sucuumb to one of the pitfalls that befall many a writer. It is ironic that this starts off not with a sunrise, but rather the lack of one. I am nocturnal by nature and was ready to go to be- Okay, buck this. I'm Princess Luna and sis has lost it. She was supposed to raise the sun an hour ago and she hadn't and I was pissed off. I wanted to go to bed! I needed my beauty sleep! I shoved my doors open with as much magical energy as I could muster, sending a gust of wind down the hall to where Celestia's room was. I took several steps out before I heard the sound of groaning. "Nocturne! Apollo!" I shrieked. I closed the great stone doors. My pegasus guards had been sandwiched between the walls and the doors. They were nearly impossible to tell apart. Their eyes rolled around in the head rather comically and their heads lolled about as they struggled to regain coordination. I grabbed them in my hooves and held them, cooing. "Are you alright? Speak to me!" I shook them some more. "We're o-okay, P-Princess," Nocturne stammered first, his voice mellow and low. "Just give us a w-warning next time, please?" Apollo pleaded with a rasp. "And could you let us go?" "Oh, goodness!" I dropped them immediately. "I'm so sorry!" They fell to the floor with painful thuds, groaning. "I'm sorry!" "It's cool," Nocturne said. I sighed. "Why hasn't sister risen the sun yet?" I left my guards to their own devices, stomping my way towards the opposite end of the hall, trying to make as much noise as I could. Halfway through it was then I heard a horrible scream coming from her room. "Sister!" I wasted no time in bursting through her doors, faster than even her guards. I quickly scanned the room, looking for any threats or intruders. "Celestia, are you alri-" There she was, in all of her glory, standing without any of her regalia on at her vanity, squealing again while bouncing on her hooves. This was incredibly odd. "Sis...ter?" She turned around and faced me, and I swear her face lit up like the sun itself. She screamed again and in the blink of an eye, had me in her clutches, trying to crush the air out of my lungs. "Luna! Eeeeee!" There were so many things wrong with this. She was screaming, squealing for goodness' sake! She was naked, and hugging me and ugh! But alas, I did not heed these warnings and - I'm doing it again, aren't I? "It's you, it's you, I can't believe it's you, Luna!" "Sister," I gasped, feeling rather sorry for my guards who I had nearly strangled a few moments earlier. "I am glad that you are well, but perhaps could you release me?" I was dropped unceremoniously on the carpet. "Oof!" I'd have to apologize to Nocturne and Apollo later. "My bad, sis!" Even as she said these words, I wanted to laugh. They sounded so juvenile coming from her, and it was such a polar contrast to her smooth, gentle, matronly voice that won the hearts and minds of our subjects. Still, Celestia helped me up and I dusted myself off with a harrumph. "You're supposed to be raising the sun right about now, 'Tia," I hissed menacingly. Her eyes bulged and for a moment, I thought she had gone back to normal. "Oh no!" "Oh yes!" I growled. "You're late! Now raise the sun so that I can go to bed!" I stomped a hoof for emphasis rather foalishly. She cantered over to her balcony and pushed the doors open, gazing at the Canterlot skyline for a second. "I forgot." I sputtered. "You what?!" She shrugged. "I forgot how to raise the sun." I stared at her. "Are you alright, sister?" "Hay yeah! Cool as a cucumber!" That did little to quell my worries. Her fuschia eyes, sparkling and brimming with renewed life, suddenly lit up with understanding. "Wait, I get it!" She clopped her hooves together and ran over to the edge of her balcony, horn glowing. I screamed. "Wait! Don't raise the sun yet! I still have to-" The celestial body shot up into the sky, lacking finesse and grace, colliding with my moon and sending it to the opposite pole with a great collision that shook the earth. "-lower the moon." "I did it! Yay!" Celestia cheered, skipping around in a circle. Yay? Her guards scratched their heads. With a glare that struck fear into their hearts, they disappeared in the blink of an eye as I slammed the doors behind them. I trotted over to Celestia and gazed at her with my head cocked. "Sister, are you sure you're alright?" "Oh, absolutely!" She had a smile bigger than Twilight Sparkle's pink pony party friend from Ponyville that stretched from ear to ear. She could barely contain a giggle as she hugged me again, nuzzling me. I was taken aback, but accepted her affections and hugged her back. It had been so long since the last time she had hugged me. I heard her whisper, "If this is a dream, I hope I'll never wake up." And so the day began. Which meant I was supposed to be asleep. That was how it worked. But today was going to be different. I needed to keep an eye on her. It was clear all her faculties weren't in place. She had forgotten to raise the sun! As I put on my royal regalia, I could hear Celestia's voice carrying from her shower. It was faint, but clear. She was singing, neigh, belting out Sapphire Shores! "E-ques-tria girls, we're kinda ma-gi-cal! Boots on hooves, bikinis on top!" Not to say that she wasn't a good singer... ...but she couldn't sing for her life. I knocked on her bedroom door and let myself in before I was treated to the sight of her standing in the doorway of her bathroom. Things couldn't get any worse. "Celestia!" I shrieked. "What happened to your mane?!" Indeed, things had gotten worse. She was soaking wet and dripping. "Have you seen the bathtub? It's Olympic sized!" she cackled, whipping her mane around, sending droplets of water everywhere. "Did you go for a bath or a swim?!" "Both!" "What in Equestria happened to your mane?" "Oh! Isn't it sick?" "Your mane looks healthy as ever, sister!" I exclaimed in shock. "Are you ill?" "Nah, nah! It's awesome!" "It is good that your mane is diseased?" 'Tia snorted and burst into laughter. She snorted. It was unbecoming. Indeed, it was pretty. But it was no longer undulating, as our manes usually did! Instead, her tri-colored pastel-colored mane had become, well, mortal, in a sense. No longer did it billow in the ethereal wind, but rather fell over her face and neck in silky strands. "But why did you change your mane?" "So I can do this!" She spread her hooves out and began to shake and bob her head manically, her mane following suit. "I whip my hair back and forth, I whip my hair back and forth!" "Ack!" I spat, tasting her shampoo. "Sister, stop! You're being silly!" She grabbed a scrunchie from her vanity and tied her mane, waving it in my face. "What?" "It's a ponytail!" she grinned. "And?" "I have two ponytails! Get it? Hah!" "You are truly something." "Let's go," she giggled, trotting out the door after toweling herself off. "'Tia, aren't you forgetting something?" I coughed. She put a hoof to her chin and thought. "Mmm, nah." "Your regalia, sister!" I snapped, levitating her crown, boots, and crest over. "It's like I'm the older sister!" "Who needs 'em?" Celestia whisked them away, tossing them carelessly on her bed. "Let's go and see Canterlot!" This was impulsive. This was ridiculous. This was wrong. My eyes bulged, enraged. "You want to go sightseeing? Why in Equestria would you want to go sightseeing? You're Princess Celestia, you have responsibilities!" "Such as?" "Raising the sun!" "Ahem." She gestured outside her window, where the sun was hanging, shining over Equestria. The proud smirk on her face was insufferable. "The royal court!" I nearly shouted. "It is imperative-" "I had no idea you used such big words." "'Imperative' is sophisticated vocabulary?" She skipped along on her merry way while I gritted my teeth in frustration. Sister did not skip. Ever. She was like a foal. Celestia was running all over the place in the most undignified manner, studying paintings and vases and stained glass windows that she had walked by every single day of her life as if she had never seen them before. By now I was sure she was going senile. 'Tia needed some breakfast. Yes, that was the problem. Already many of the castle servants were giving sister strange looks, as if she was naked, and in a sense, she was! She almost looked like a commoner herself, if she had not had both wings and a horn. To make matters worse, she was still singing. "Sister, we are here." "Ooh! Breakfast, I'm starving!" The kitchen was state-of-the-art, with only the finest ingredients and equipment and chefs to prepare us our meals. "The usual, Princess Luna?" the master chef asked. "Of course." "And what may I get for you today, Princess Celestia?" "Mmm, how about a banana?" The chef's face fell. He tried to keep the scorn out of his voice. "A banana, Princess?" "No need to grab it, I've got it." Celestia levitated a banana from a fruit bowel meant for the servants and took a bite. It seemed Celestia was absentminded as well. She couldn't stop grabbing things at the table, levitating them and setting them down. "Sister!" "What?" Celestia laughed as she hung a spoon on her nose and chin. "What is the matter with you? Not only is that rude, it is very foalish!" For the first time, I saw her deflate slightly. "Sorry," she mumbled, and continued munching on her banana. I had never snapped at her like that. Maybe because she wasn't always this...irritating. I continued to munch on my salad. She said quietly, "I really like your mane." I blinked. "Thank you?" "But it was so much prettier back then." I blushed. "No it wasn't. It was immature." "No it wasn't!" she insisted. "It was cute. You should change it back." "I worked for weeks trying to get like this, sister." Celestia pouted. I sighed. "But if it makes you happy..." With a flash of magic, my hair was short and cropped once again. It felt strange having strands get in my face. I blew the offending blue locks away. Celestia squealed and hugged me, petting my mane. "I love it!" "I'm glad, sister," I said with a hint of sarcasm. So she was a little touchy-feely. I certainly didn't mind the nuzzles or hugs. They were a warm welcome, much warmer than the one she had given me after I had been released from the curse of Nightmare Moon. She did her best to accommodate me and help me transition back into society (barring the Nightmare Night incident, which I would never forgive her for). But now I felt...close to her. Perhaps not as close as before. But it was nice. I felt her drape her wing over my back and pull me closer. Celestia grinned and pulled me along, trying to get me to skip along. She was certainly more animated than before. 'Tia was practically bouncing all over the place. She couldn't keep her head still. We were getting strange looks from everypony, already beginning to whisper and murmur. I looked to Celestia, who knew better than anypony how to deal with ponies. She didn't even seem to care! It was as if she wasn't even concerned for her public image. "Wow, the floor is really slippery here," she noted. I rolled my eyes. "Yes, sister. Which is why I insisted you wear your boots." I continued trotting along when I realized she wasn't by my side. "Wheeeee!" "Now will you listen to me?" "Nope!" I groaned. "'Tia, act your age!" "How old am I again?" "Ugh! You!" I turned to the doctor. "Is she going to be alright?" "She vill make a full recovery. Don't worry, Princess Luna!" "I just slipped!" 'Tia muttered. "You should've seen everybo - pony's faces when I hit the wall! It was like the world was ending or something!" "I'm worried more about her mental health than anything, doctor," I whispered. I glanced over at Celestia, who was currently making faces in the mirror. She pouted her lips and fluttered her eyes and began to snort something about ducks. "I must admit, this is highly erratic behavior for ze princess, if what you tell me is true." He shrugged. "It is probably nothing." "She was singing today. Singing!" I hissed. "And I must admit, she has a beautiful voice!" Was this pony tone deaf? I sighed. "If nothing can be done." "It is probably a phase." "Are you saying I should indulge her?" "It would not be detrimental. She has been working hard as of late. Perhaps this is a sign she needs some time off." I mused over that for a bit. 'Tia had seemed stressed lately. Maybe this was her way of unwinding in a more...creative manner. Standup Comedy"I thought you said it was 'imperative' that I attend the royal court," Celestia said with a hint of mockery in her voice, chasing her tail. "Yes, well," I sniffed with my nose in the air. "You are the princess. There is no higher authority to challenge your will." And just like that, she froze. There was a wicked glint in her eye, as if it dawned upon her that she was the ruler of Equestria. She laughed, her normally soft and gentle voice becoming more and more sinister as she began to cackle maniacally, throwing her hooves into the air as the weather outside began to turn dark with swirling ominous black clouds and rumbling thunder and lightning- "What are you doing?" "Sorry, just practicing my evil laugh." "Stop that." "WaHAHA!" 'Tia looked to me for approval. "How's that?" "It reminds me of that fashionista in Ponyville." "Nailed it! Yes!" The weather was set back to its normal clear blue skies and we were off. Celestia could barely contain herself as she jumped off the stairs and landed at the bottom with a great boom, sending tremors through the palace. The stoic guards held on for dear life as the entire city of Canterlot shook. The quaking began to stop and Celestia opened her mouth. "Can we do that aga-" I shoved a hoof into her mouth and pushed her towards the entrance. The second Celestia emerged from the castle, I saw her eyes bulge and widen with foalish excitement. Why, I did not know. She turned and pointed at the the ivory towers with golden spires that towered over Canterlot. She craned her head and watched the shimmering sparkling water cascading from the mountaintops. "Wow...Canterlot is beautiful!" she gushed. "Sister, you see Canterlot every day. You have lived here for centuries. What is so special about today?" I sighed. 'Tia was already off. I had no idea what was wrong with her. I chased after her as she took on all the sights and sounds and smells of the city. Her very presence was causing a scene as rich ponies and nobles looked on as she made a complete fool of herself. I turned away for one second, and she was - ugh! Now she was in a mattress store, of all places! "Woona, bounce with me!" I gaped. Did she just call me "Woona?" It was the most ridiculous nickname I had ever heard. She always called me "Luna" or "Lulu" in the private. "Get down from there!" I hissed. Now there was an even bigger scene to be made. 'Tia was jumping on the mattresses, like a foal! "Wheee!" I ran up to her and watched her bounce up and down, fuming. "Have you no sense of decorum?!" "It's fun, Woona! You should try it!" "You are a princess, and stop calling me that!" Her eyes flashed with mischief. She stopped bouncing and leaned in close and drawled out, "Woona." And in that moment, something inside me snapped. Maybe it was the lack of sleep, or maybe because 'Tia was being a royal pain in my flank. I don't know. I stomped a hoof, a bolt of lightning striking the ground outside the mattress store. "That's it!" Celestia bounced off a mattress and landed on another one in the store. I felt bad for the pony who owned it. Still, it wasn't very large and only had a few mattresses on display. I made a grab for Celestia, but she bounced off onto another one. If I was going to catch her, I was going to have to play by her rules. I could see a multitude of ponies watching us from outside, their muzzles pressed up against the glass window. I flapped my wings and landed on a mattress, unfamiliar with the shaky terrain. "Woona! Woona! Woona!" 'Tia chanted. I bounced off and landed on the mattress, lunging at her with fury in my eyes, only to miss and hit the mattress. I lay on my belly, watching her bounce across to another mattre- Did she just throw a pillow at me?! "Oh, it is on!" I bellowed. Celestia's only response was to throw another pillow and bounce away. I mustered up as much magical energy I could and teleported, right in front of her, stopping her in her tracks. She gasped and tried to scramble away. I clamped down on her tail and yanked her back, towering over her with a multitude of pillows. "Are you going to call me Woona again?" "Woona!" she blurted, before realizing her mistake. "You hath sealed your fate!" "Eeep!" I was relentless. I whacked her again and again with my pillows. She squirmed beneath me, laughing and giggling and trying to shield herself from the fluffy assault. "Say you're sorry!" "Nope!" I growled and whacked her again. Joyful tears were running down her face as she struggled to breathe. "You have bested me in battle, dear sister!" she rasped dramatically, raising a hoof and going limp. I stared at her, watching her play dead. I folded my legs and poked her. "Stop it." I giggled. "Stop it!" "That was fun, right?" I knew what fun was. It was a foreign concept. Twilight Sparkle had to teach me that last Nightmare Night. I sighed, "Yes, it was fun. But now what you've done. This will be all over the front pages by tomorrow!" "But it was fun!" She sucked in. "F is for Friends who do stuff together, U is for you and m-" I jammed a hoof in her mouth again. "Don't sing." She nodded, her ears drooping slightly. I sighed and looked all around the mattress store. This was a mess, she was a mess, I was a mess. This was all one big mess. Our public image was ruined. "I'm very sorry about the mess," I told the owner as I used a spell to fix our mess. "That's alright! You've gotten me a whole bunch of customers!" he chirped happily. And he was right. Apparently our appearance inside the store, regardless of our conduct, was enough to have ponies flock to it. "'Tia, we should g-" I looked down. She was gone. As I bolted off, I heard him say, "I really like your mane!" "Oh no no no no," I muttered. "Where could she have gone, where where oh where?!" It would be uncouth to suddenly scream for no apparent reason. But this was a national emergency. "CELESTIA!" I roared, using my Royal Canterlot Voice. "Over he-ere!" I twisted my head, seeing her standing a block away. In a flash I was by her side, yanking her ear. "Ow, ow!" "What is the matter with you? We cause chaos in a mattress store, of all places, and then you run off!" I saw her flick her eyes shiftily for a second, thinking of an answer. She finally said, "It's been so long since I've walked these streets, sister." Her soft words placated me, if only a little. "If we are to keep sightseeing, you must contain yourself." "Okie dokie lokie!" My jaw dropped. I pointed a hoof at her. "You are a changeling." "What?!" "You're a changeling! Don't think I can't see through your disguise! My sister, my 'Tia, would never, ever say those words!" She began to sweat nervously. "Luna, that's very funny. Now stop it..." I charged up a spell and blasted her with it. Ponies gasped in horror. The changeling giggled. "That tickles!" I furrowed my brow and shot her again. And again, and again. And she remained the same. "Perhaps you are not a changeling." "Well duh!" It was scary to hear her talk like that. "Who are you and what have you done with 'Tia?" I whispered harshly, leading her down a street. "Well, I am Princess Celestia!" I faced her, studying her close, burning my jade eyes into hers. She stared back before I saw her begin to sweat. She avoided making direct eye contact, instead looking elsewhere. I leaned in closer, our muzzles touching, trying to make her break. I was just about to get an answer before she did something completely unexpected. 'Tia kissed me. "Mwah!" Right on the cheek. She never did that. There was a flash of a camera. My eyes bulged as I backed away, screaming. "Sister!" She hugged me tight. "I love you too, sis!" The photographer was long gone. We were doomed. "Welp, come on. We don't have all day!" 'Tia bounced off again, singing to herself. I sat there, dumbfounded. "WHAT?!" I was still sputtering as we cantered to the plaza, trying to scrub my cheek. "Hush, Woona, you're making a scene." "I'm making a scene? I'M making a scene?!" I screeched. I was making a scene. And I was about to literally strangle her, right on the street. "I'LL SHOW YOU MAKING A SCENE!" "Hey Fancypants!" I squeaked and composed myself. And there he was, Fancypants, always impeccably dressed, with Fleur de Lis. They both gave her bows, to which 'Tia simply scratched her head. "Why, hello there, Princess!" Fancypants said. "It seems you've been having an interesting day." "You said it!" 'Tia chirped. The look on Fancypants' face revealed his surprise. "Aw, hey Fleur de Lis! What's goin' on?" The supermodel pony cleared her throat and smoothed her pink mane and said with a clear and distinguished accent, "It is going magnificently, Your Highness." "Sweet." The look on her face read it all. She was just as surprised as her husband. "Yo Fleur, I gotta say you've got a great accent." Fleur, the poor thing, she was still sputtering. "W-Why, thank you?" "You gotta teach me sometime, girl!" "I suppose?" She looked to Fancypants, who simply shrugged. "But I must say, I simply adore your new manestyles!" Before I could get a word in, Celestia said, "By tomorrow I think everypony who is anypony will be wearing ponytails! You can expect the nobles to jump right onto this new fashion!" "Oh I agree." "Indubitably!" she said in a posh accent. We all stared at her this time. "What? Just practicing, guv'nah!" "I'm sorry?" "Pip pip, cheerio, and all that!" I was as red as a tomato. Fleur and Fancypants' expressions were unreadable. And yet, in all of a sudden, Fancypants took of his monocle. "I say!" he replied with a grin. Celestia was grinning. "Toodle pip!" "Quite, quite!" Fleur suddenly burst out, "Jolly good!" She chortled to herself. "Tally ho!" Celestia cried. "Flibbertigibbet!" Fancypants shot back. "Ooh, that's a good one!" It was some ridiculous exchange. Bystanders watched as they began coming up with more and more silly phrases, mocking the nobles. "Bob's your uncle!" "Crikey!" "Blimey!" I cried out, "Malarkey!" Everypony stared and burst into laughter. It seemed that Celestia had put on an impromptu standup comedy show. Everypony was gathering around the fountain in the plaza, listening to her tell jokes, of all things! "There are some things you never discuss with a mare," 'Tia said lowly, walking around, captivating her audience. Already some of the gentlecolts were murmuring. "Her weight!" They roared with laughter. Her voice became nasally. "'Honey, does this make me look fat?' For the love of all that is holy, do not reply!" More laughter. "Just run! Run! Your safest bet is to hide in the Everfree Forrest!" Celestia snorted. "And then we have the most important thing of all, that you never, ever talk about..." Silence now. "Oh, Mr. Fancypants!" Fancypants, who had been standing by Celestia's side the entire time, snapped to attention. "Yes, Princess!" "How old do you think I am?" The gentlecolt was stumped. He pondered the question for a bit. "Perhaps two centuries?" There were horrified gasps. "Care to try again?" The atmosphere suddenly became very cold. Everypony remained silent, some running out of fear. Her voice was low and ominous as she leaned in, eyeing the stallion dangerously. Fancypants began to sweat. "Why, you look no less than thirty years!" he stammered with a grin. No one dared breathe. She grinned. I Am So Wet Right NowFortunately it was time for me to raise the moon and the stars. I gathered my magical energies and took control of the celestial body, slamming it into the setting sun as revenge for this morning. Celestia simply chortled as her sun plummeted to the opposite pole. The twinkling stars blanketed the skies as she and I left the plaza. There were a few straggling paparazzi, but the guards took care of them. I stood on my balcony, soaking in the moonlight, gazing at the stars. The night was my domain. Regardless, it was time for bed. Most nights I was awake, while the rest of Equestria slept. And so I brushed my teeth and gargled, tossing my crown and boots and flopping onto the bed. I blew out the candles and closed my eyes, shifting slightly so as not to hurt my wings. I descended into a peaceful slumber underneath the covers, resting my head on the pillow, snoring softly. My dreams, or nightmares, were plagued with thoughts of sister and whatever horrific, outlandish act she would commit next. She couldn't avoid court forever. And what about negotiations with the nobles? I tossed and turned in my sleep, watching as things turned to chaos. My eyes snapped open. I twisted my head this way and that. I craned my head to look at the door. Even the guards were asleep at this hour. It was probably nothing. I set my head down again on the pillow. There was the sound of fabric rubbing. I sat up again, using my night vision to scan my room. Everything was in its place... At the far end of my bed, I saw something shift underneath the blankets. There was a shape underneath. My heart stopped and I froze, watching in horror as it approached me. Closer and closer it came as I tentatively peeked underneath and tore off the covers. "Boo!" "Eeeeeeek!" This time Celestia was the one to silence me with her hoof. "You wanna wake up the entire castle, sis?" "What are you doing here?" I hissed. "I wanted to sleep with you." I blinked. "You can't be serious." "I even brought my own pillow! It'll be like a sleepover!" She said it like it was the most amazing thing in the world. I thought about all the things I could say to her. All the ways I could refuse her. I sighed. "Jump in." She squealed and hugged me, draping her wing over my back. "Yay!" "Don't do that." 'Tia grinned. "Hush now, quiet now, it's time to lay your sleepy head..." "Shh!" And so the night turned to day. I felt the sun's warmth and cracked an eye open, satisfied to see Celestia raising the sun again. Perhaps she was back to normal! "That's how you do it!" She hoofpumped, doing a little jig. "That's how you do it!" Not a chance. "Good morning, sister! I take it you slept well?" "Like you wouldn't believe, Luna! I feel awesome!" she screeched in my ear. "Yes, well, congratulations on doing your job." 'Tia stopped celebrating and gave me a funny look. "Ya know, if I didn't know any better, I'd think you were being sarcastic." "How could you tell?" "C'mon, c'mon! We don't have all day, sleepyhead!" "Sister, I must wash up!" And that was her cue to drag me into my own bathroom and dunk me in. "Ackpth! 'Tia!" I coughed, fuming. "You said!" she sang. I sank beneath the water. "I'm taking a bath. Go away!" She frowned. "Aren't we always naked?" "Yes, but this is...private," I blushed. She rolled her eyes and sauntered away. "And what shall you have for breakfast today, princess?" the chef asked, nose in the air. "The usual," I said. "I dunno." Celestia shrugged. "In that case, Princess, may I recommend eggs and toast?" "With bacon?" And with those two words everypony in the kitchen froze. "She was just kidding! She was making a joke! Go back to work, everypony!" I said, waving my hooves. "Naw! I'm serious! Crispy, deep fat fried bacon!" 'Tia licked her lips. Some fainted. Others ran off to the bathroom. "Alright, alright. I'll have an apple." "I dunno what's wrong with me, sis..." "Neither do I." "I'm pumped!" She ran circles around me. "I'm gonna tackle the day!" "Mm, yes..." "Gonna put it in a headlock and bam!" "I'm sure." 'Tia reared up on her hind legs and began punching an invisible foe. "Right hook, right hook! Everypony likes the jab!" "Sister, will you stop!" "Aight, aight. All I'm sayin' sis, nopony's stopping me." "I fear for the worst." 'Tia stopped. "Ya know what you need?" "A drink." "I'll be right back!" "Wait, where are you - forget it." Imagine my surprise as Twilight Sparkle and the Elements of Harmony suddenly burst onto the castle grounds. 'Tia had been exploring after going off to write a quick letter. "Princess Celestia!" the purple mare gasped. "Are you alright? Is Discord back?" Twilight was surprised as they were suddenly swept up in 'Tia's embrace and was jerked around. "You're here! You're here! You're here!" Celestia screamed with delight. "I'm - glad to see you - too, Princess!" Twilight Sparkle gasped. 'Tia finally dropped her after crushing the air out her. "You got my letter!" "Yes, Princess! And we brought the Elements of Harmony! Now uh, what was the 'super duper important' thing?" "Oh, I just wanted to see if you wanted to go for a swim!" she chirped happily. "Huh?" "Now come on!" 'Tia dashed off around the corner. "Is there something wrong with the Princess?" Twilight asked. "She wrote 'XOXOXO' at the end of her letter. She never does that." "And it appears she has changed her mane," Rarity noted. "I was having a great nap before Twilight woke me up!" Rainbow Dash harrumphed. "And I was picking apples," Applejack drawled. I sighed. "I fear she has lost her mind." "Oh, I hope she's alright," the timid Fluttershy said. "C'mon! I love the water!" Pinkie Pie squealed, already donning a pair of flippers and snorkel. By the time we all caught up to her, she was already at the royal pool, which had been closed, staring at her reflection intensely in the water. "Siste-" She hushed me and went back to staring at her reflection, gesturing for me to come take a look. I plopped myself down right next to her. "See?" she whispered, squinting. I took a look for myself and saw nothing but the crystal clear waters of the pool. I looked at the Elements of Harmony, who shrugged. "Look closer!" I leaned in until my nose was practically touching the water. I felt two hooves on my backside and let out a scream as I was shoved in. When I resurfaced, Celestia was laughing her flank off, rolling around. "Ha-ha! You fell for it! Oh, I can't believe you fell for it!" I was convinced she was Discord. "Princess Luna!" Twilight gasped, running over to the edge of the pool. "Are you alrig - WAH!" She went in with a splash. 'Tia snickered and pointed at us. I fumed. "Sister..." Using my magic, I grabbed Celestia and threw her in. She broke the surface and gasped. Instead of being angry, she merely laughed again. "Everypony in the water!" "Whoo-hoo!" the pink party pony cheered. Rainbow Dash and Applejack shrugged and slipped into the water. Fluttershy and Rarity were a little more cautious. The fashionista dipped a hoof in, shuddering. "I'll ruin my mane!" she whined. "EEP!" Fluttershy squeaked as she, too, was carried in and dumped in the pool. Celestia grinned, taking her crown off and placing it gently on Twilight's head. "My faithful student!" The unicorn glared at her mentor, cocking her head sideways. But it seemed that she, too, was unable to resist Celestia's charms. She giggled and splashed her gently. And soon, the others were laughing along with her. We were doomed. "Your mane looks amazing down," 'Tia gushed. The dressmaker blushed, whipping her mane around. "I suppose it does look better." She yelped as 'Tia gave her a big hug, nuzzling her. Rarity nervously chuckled. "Oh my! Princess, uhm, why, thank you!" Fluttershy squeaked as Celestia's eyes fell upon her next. "You're so adorable, you!" "Eep!" The yellow pegasus went stiff as she hugged her. Her reaction was not unlike the time I thanked her on Nightmare Night. 'Tia took Applejack and Rainbow Dash up in her arms. "Hey Dashie!" The speedster blinked. "Yeah, Princess?" "Twenty percent cooler," she paused, "in ten seconds flat." Rainbow Dash stared and shrugged. "I don't get it." She rolled her eyes. "Never mind." Pinkie Pie received her hug with glee. The two giggled like fools as they splashed each other in the water. All the while, I floated, watching her, biting my lip. Something had to be done. "I'm really worried for her, Twilight Sparkle." The fun eventually had to end. And now, everypony was in the locker rooms, toweling themselves off. "Hmm?" The unicorn toweled herself off. "To be honest, I've never seen her like this. Playing tricks, laughing, singing, hugging..." "You must admit, it is troubling." "I suppose she is a bit...random." "Does it not bother you?" "I'm a little worried, but..." "But..." "I don't know, Princess Luna. I guess it's nice to see her like this." My jaw dropped. "I guess she's having fun for once." "Twilight Sparkle, there is 'having fun' and then there is being irrational and erratic!" I regaled her with other horror stories of when I first observed sister's sudden change in behavior. "That sounds nothing like the Princess!" "Yes, I know! And that is why I am afraid, Twilight Sparkle." "Do you think she might be a changeling?" I shook my head. "Or maybe Discord has possessed her!" "Possibly. But we have yet to see cotton candy clouds and chocolate milk rain. Please help me! We simply must find out what is wrong with her." Twilight nodded. "I'll try my best, Princess."
Unnatural BehaviorIt would be trite to start things with a sunrise over Canterlot, wouldn't it? Forgive me if I am tempted to sucuumb to one of the pitfalls that befall many a writer. It is ironic that this starts off not with a sunrise, but rather the lack of one. I am nocturnal by nature and was ready to go to be- Okay, buck this. I'm Princess Luna and sis has lost it. She was supposed to raise the sun an hour ago and she hadn't and I was pissed off. I wanted to go to bed! I needed my beauty sleep! I shoved my doors open with as much magical energy as I could muster, sending a gust of wind down the hall to where Celestia's room was. I took several steps out before I heard the sound of groaning. "Nocturne! Apollo!" I shrieked. I closed the great stone doors. My pegasus guards had been sandwiched between the walls and the doors. They were nearly impossible to tell apart. Their eyes rolled around in the head rather comically and their heads lolled about as they struggled to regain coordination. I grabbed them in my hooves and held them, cooing. "Are you alright? Speak to me!" I shook them some more. "We're o-okay, P-Princess," Nocturne stammered first, his voice mellow and low. "Just give us a w-warning next time, please?" Apollo pleaded with a rasp. "And could you let us go?" "Oh, goodness!" I dropped them immediately. "I'm so sorry!" They fell to the floor with painful thuds, groaning. "I'm sorry!" "It's cool," Nocturne said. I sighed. "Why hasn't sister risen the sun yet?" I left my guards to their own devices, stomping my way towards the opposite end of the hall, trying to make as much noise as I could. Halfway through it was then I heard a horrible scream coming from her room. "Sister!" I wasted no time in bursting through her doors, faster than even her guards. I quickly scanned the room, looking for any threats or intruders. "Celestia, are you alri-" There she was, in all of her glory, standing without any of her regalia on at her vanity, squealing again while bouncing on her hooves. This was incredibly odd. "Sis...ter?" She turned around and faced me, and I swear her face lit up like the sun itself. She screamed again and in the blink of an eye, had me in her clutches, trying to crush the air out of my lungs. "Luna! Eeeeee!" There were so many things wrong with this. She was screaming, squealing for goodness' sake! She was naked, and hugging me and ugh! But alas, I did not heed these warnings and - I'm doing it again, aren't I? "It's you, it's you, I can't believe it's you, Luna!" "Sister," I gasped, feeling rather sorry for my guards who I had nearly strangled a few moments earlier. "I am glad that you are well, but perhaps could you release me?" I was dropped unceremoniously on the carpet. "Oof!" I'd have to apologize to Nocturne and Apollo later. "My bad, sis!" Even as she said these words, I wanted to laugh. They sounded so juvenile coming from her, and it was such a polar contrast to her smooth, gentle, matronly voice that won the hearts and minds of our subjects. Still, Celestia helped me up and I dusted myself off with a harrumph. "You're supposed to be raising the sun right about now, 'Tia," I hissed menacingly. Her eyes bulged and for a moment, I thought she had gone back to normal. "Oh no!" "Oh yes!" I growled. "You're late! Now raise the sun so that I can go to bed!" I stomped a hoof for emphasis rather foalishly. She cantered over to her balcony and pushed the doors open, gazing at the Canterlot skyline for a second. "I forgot." I sputtered. "You what?!" She shrugged. "I forgot how to raise the sun." I stared at her. "Are you alright, sister?" "Hay yeah! Cool as a cucumber!" That did little to quell my worries. Her fuschia eyes, sparkling and brimming with renewed life, suddenly lit up with understanding. "Wait, I get it!" She clopped her hooves together and ran over to the edge of her balcony, horn glowing. I screamed. "Wait! Don't raise the sun yet! I still have to-" The celestial body shot up into the sky, lacking finesse and grace, colliding with my moon and sending it to the opposite pole with a great collision that shook the earth. "-lower the moon." "I did it! Yay!" Celestia cheered, skipping around in a circle. Yay? Her guards scratched their heads. With a glare that struck fear into their hearts, they disappeared in the blink of an eye as I slammed the doors behind them. I trotted over to Celestia and gazed at her with my head cocked. "Sister, are you sure you're alright?" "Oh, absolutely!" She had a smile bigger than Twilight Sparkle's pink pony party friend from Ponyville that stretched from ear to ear. She could barely contain a giggle as she hugged me again, nuzzling me. I was taken aback, but accepted her affections and hugged her back. It had been so long since the last time she had hugged me. I heard her whisper, "If this is a dream, I hope I'll never wake up." And so the day began. Which meant I was supposed to be asleep. That was how it worked. But today was going to be different. I needed to keep an eye on her. It was clear all her faculties weren't in place. She had forgotten to raise the sun! As I put on my royal regalia, I could hear Celestia's voice carrying from her shower. It was faint, but clear. She was singing, neigh, belting out Sapphire Shores! "E-ques-tria girls, we're kinda ma-gi-cal! Boots on hooves, bikinis on top!" Not to say that she wasn't a good singer... ...but she couldn't sing for her life. I knocked on her bedroom door and let myself in before I was treated to the sight of her standing in the doorway of her bathroom. Things couldn't get any worse. "Celestia!" I shrieked. "What happened to your mane?!" Indeed, things had gotten worse. She was soaking wet and dripping. "Have you seen the bathtub? It's Olympic sized!" she cackled, whipping her mane around, sending droplets of water everywhere. "Did you go for a bath or a swim?!" "Both!" "What in Equestria happened to your mane?" "Oh! Isn't it sick?" "Your mane looks healthy as ever, sister!" I exclaimed in shock. "Are you ill?" "Nah, nah! It's awesome!" "It is good that your mane is diseased?" 'Tia snorted and burst into laughter. She snorted. It was unbecoming. Indeed, it was pretty. But it was no longer undulating, as our manes usually did! Instead, her tri-colored pastel-colored mane had become, well, mortal, in a sense. No longer did it billow in the ethereal wind, but rather fell over her face and neck in silky strands. "But why did you change your mane?" "So I can do this!" She spread her hooves out and began to shake and bob her head manically, her mane following suit. "I whip my hair back and forth, I whip my hair back and forth!" "Ack!" I spat, tasting her shampoo. "Sister, stop! You're being silly!" She grabbed a scrunchie from her vanity and tied her mane, waving it in my face. "What?" "It's a ponytail!" she grinned. "And?" "I have two ponytails! Get it? Hah!" "You are truly something." "Let's go," she giggled, trotting out the door after toweling herself off. "'Tia, aren't you forgetting something?" I coughed. She put a hoof to her chin and thought. "Mmm, nah." "Your regalia, sister!" I snapped, levitating her crown, boots, and crest over. "It's like I'm the older sister!" "Who needs 'em?" Celestia whisked them away, tossing them carelessly on her bed. "Let's go and see Canterlot!" This was impulsive. This was ridiculous. This was wrong. My eyes bulged, enraged. "You want to go sightseeing? Why in Equestria would you want to go sightseeing? You're Princess Celestia, you have responsibilities!" "Such as?" "Raising the sun!" "Ahem." She gestured outside her window, where the sun was hanging, shining over Equestria. The proud smirk on her face was insufferable. "The royal court!" I nearly shouted. "It is imperative-" "I had no idea you used such big words." "'Imperative' is sophisticated vocabulary?" She skipped along on her merry way while I gritted my teeth in frustration. Sister did not skip. Ever. She was like a foal. Celestia was running all over the place in the most undignified manner, studying paintings and vases and stained glass windows that she had walked by every single day of her life as if she had never seen them before. By now I was sure she was going senile. 'Tia needed some breakfast. Yes, that was the problem. Already many of the castle servants were giving sister strange looks, as if she was naked, and in a sense, she was! She almost looked like a commoner herself, if she had not had both wings and a horn. To make matters worse, she was still singing. "Sister, we are here." "Ooh! Breakfast, I'm starving!" The kitchen was state-of-the-art, with only the finest ingredients and equipment and chefs to prepare us our meals. "The usual, Princess Luna?" the master chef asked. "Of course." "And what may I get for you today, Princess Celestia?" "Mmm, how about a banana?" The chef's face fell. He tried to keep the scorn out of his voice. "A banana, Princess?" "No need to grab it, I've got it." Celestia levitated a banana from a fruit bowel meant for the servants and took a bite. It seemed Celestia was absentminded as well. She couldn't stop grabbing things at the table, levitating them and setting them down. "Sister!" "What?" Celestia laughed as she hung a spoon on her nose and chin. "What is the matter with you? Not only is that rude, it is very foalish!" For the first time, I saw her deflate slightly. "Sorry," she mumbled, and continued munching on her banana. I had never snapped at her like that. Maybe because she wasn't always this...irritating. I continued to munch on my salad. She said quietly, "I really like your mane." I blinked. "Thank you?" "But it was so much prettier back then." I blushed. "No it wasn't. It was immature." "No it wasn't!" she insisted. "It was cute. You should change it back." "I worked for weeks trying to get like this, sister." Celestia pouted. I sighed. "But if it makes you happy..." With a flash of magic, my hair was short and cropped once again. It felt strange having strands get in my face. I blew the offending blue locks away. Celestia squealed and hugged me, petting my mane. "I love it!" "I'm glad, sister," I said with a hint of sarcasm. So she was a little touchy-feely. I certainly didn't mind the nuzzles or hugs. They were a warm welcome, much warmer than the one she had given me after I had been released from the curse of Nightmare Moon. She did her best to accommodate me and help me transition back into society (barring the Nightmare Night incident, which I would never forgive her for). But now I felt...close to her. Perhaps not as close as before. But it was nice. I felt her drape her wing over my back and pull me closer. Celestia grinned and pulled me along, trying to get me to skip along. She was certainly more animated than before. 'Tia was practically bouncing all over the place. She couldn't keep her head still. We were getting strange looks from everypony, already beginning to whisper and murmur. I looked to Celestia, who knew better than anypony how to deal with ponies. She didn't even seem to care! It was as if she wasn't even concerned for her public image. "Wow, the floor is really slippery here," she noted. I rolled my eyes. "Yes, sister. Which is why I insisted you wear your boots." I continued trotting along when I realized she wasn't by my side. "Wheeeee!" "Now will you listen to me?" "Nope!" I groaned. "'Tia, act your age!" "How old am I again?" "Ugh! You!" I turned to the doctor. "Is she going to be alright?" "She vill make a full recovery. Don't worry, Princess Luna!" "I just slipped!" 'Tia muttered. "You should've seen everybo - pony's faces when I hit the wall! It was like the world was ending or something!" "I'm worried more about her mental health than anything, doctor," I whispered. I glanced over at Celestia, who was currently making faces in the mirror. She pouted her lips and fluttered her eyes and began to snort something about ducks. "I must admit, this is highly erratic behavior for ze princess, if what you tell me is true." He shrugged. "It is probably nothing." "She was singing today. Singing!" I hissed. "And I must admit, she has a beautiful voice!" Was this pony tone deaf? I sighed. "If nothing can be done." "It is probably a phase." "Are you saying I should indulge her?" "It would not be detrimental. She has been working hard as of late. Perhaps this is a sign she needs some time off." I mused over that for a bit. 'Tia had seemed stressed lately. Maybe this was her way of unwinding in a more...creative manner.
Standup Comedy"I thought you said it was 'imperative' that I attend the royal court," Celestia said with a hint of mockery in her voice, chasing her tail. "Yes, well," I sniffed with my nose in the air. "You are the princess. There is no higher authority to challenge your will." And just like that, she froze. There was a wicked glint in her eye, as if it dawned upon her that she was the ruler of Equestria. She laughed, her normally soft and gentle voice becoming more and more sinister as she began to cackle maniacally, throwing her hooves into the air as the weather outside began to turn dark with swirling ominous black clouds and rumbling thunder and lightning- "What are you doing?" "Sorry, just practicing my evil laugh." "Stop that." "WaHAHA!" 'Tia looked to me for approval. "How's that?" "It reminds me of that fashionista in Ponyville." "Nailed it! Yes!" The weather was set back to its normal clear blue skies and we were off. Celestia could barely contain herself as she jumped off the stairs and landed at the bottom with a great boom, sending tremors through the palace. The stoic guards held on for dear life as the entire city of Canterlot shook. The quaking began to stop and Celestia opened her mouth. "Can we do that aga-" I shoved a hoof into her mouth and pushed her towards the entrance. The second Celestia emerged from the castle, I saw her eyes bulge and widen with foalish excitement. Why, I did not know. She turned and pointed at the the ivory towers with golden spires that towered over Canterlot. She craned her head and watched the shimmering sparkling water cascading from the mountaintops. "Wow...Canterlot is beautiful!" she gushed. "Sister, you see Canterlot every day. You have lived here for centuries. What is so special about today?" I sighed. 'Tia was already off. I had no idea what was wrong with her. I chased after her as she took on all the sights and sounds and smells of the city. Her very presence was causing a scene as rich ponies and nobles looked on as she made a complete fool of herself. I turned away for one second, and she was - ugh! Now she was in a mattress store, of all places! "Woona, bounce with me!" I gaped. Did she just call me "Woona?" It was the most ridiculous nickname I had ever heard. She always called me "Luna" or "Lulu" in the private. "Get down from there!" I hissed. Now there was an even bigger scene to be made. 'Tia was jumping on the mattresses, like a foal! "Wheee!" I ran up to her and watched her bounce up and down, fuming. "Have you no sense of decorum?!" "It's fun, Woona! You should try it!" "You are a princess, and stop calling me that!" Her eyes flashed with mischief. She stopped bouncing and leaned in close and drawled out, "Woona." And in that moment, something inside me snapped. Maybe it was the lack of sleep, or maybe because 'Tia was being a royal pain in my flank. I don't know. I stomped a hoof, a bolt of lightning striking the ground outside the mattress store. "That's it!" Celestia bounced off a mattress and landed on another one in the store. I felt bad for the pony who owned it. Still, it wasn't very large and only had a few mattresses on display. I made a grab for Celestia, but she bounced off onto another one. If I was going to catch her, I was going to have to play by her rules. I could see a multitude of ponies watching us from outside, their muzzles pressed up against the glass window. I flapped my wings and landed on a mattress, unfamiliar with the shaky terrain. "Woona! Woona! Woona!" 'Tia chanted. I bounced off and landed on the mattress, lunging at her with fury in my eyes, only to miss and hit the mattress. I lay on my belly, watching her bounce across to another mattre- Did she just throw a pillow at me?! "Oh, it is on!" I bellowed. Celestia's only response was to throw another pillow and bounce away. I mustered up as much magical energy I could and teleported, right in front of her, stopping her in her tracks. She gasped and tried to scramble away. I clamped down on her tail and yanked her back, towering over her with a multitude of pillows. "Are you going to call me Woona again?" "Woona!" she blurted, before realizing her mistake. "You hath sealed your fate!" "Eeep!" I was relentless. I whacked her again and again with my pillows. She squirmed beneath me, laughing and giggling and trying to shield herself from the fluffy assault. "Say you're sorry!" "Nope!" I growled and whacked her again. Joyful tears were running down her face as she struggled to breathe. "You have bested me in battle, dear sister!" she rasped dramatically, raising a hoof and going limp. I stared at her, watching her play dead. I folded my legs and poked her. "Stop it." I giggled. "Stop it!" "That was fun, right?" I knew what fun was. It was a foreign concept. Twilight Sparkle had to teach me that last Nightmare Night. I sighed, "Yes, it was fun. But now what you've done. This will be all over the front pages by tomorrow!" "But it was fun!" She sucked in. "F is for Friends who do stuff together, U is for you and m-" I jammed a hoof in her mouth again. "Don't sing." She nodded, her ears drooping slightly. I sighed and looked all around the mattress store. This was a mess, she was a mess, I was a mess. This was all one big mess. Our public image was ruined. "I'm very sorry about the mess," I told the owner as I used a spell to fix our mess. "That's alright! You've gotten me a whole bunch of customers!" he chirped happily. And he was right. Apparently our appearance inside the store, regardless of our conduct, was enough to have ponies flock to it. "'Tia, we should g-" I looked down. She was gone. As I bolted off, I heard him say, "I really like your mane!" "Oh no no no no," I muttered. "Where could she have gone, where where oh where?!" It would be uncouth to suddenly scream for no apparent reason. But this was a national emergency. "CELESTIA!" I roared, using my Royal Canterlot Voice. "Over he-ere!" I twisted my head, seeing her standing a block away. In a flash I was by her side, yanking her ear. "Ow, ow!" "What is the matter with you? We cause chaos in a mattress store, of all places, and then you run off!" I saw her flick her eyes shiftily for a second, thinking of an answer. She finally said, "It's been so long since I've walked these streets, sister." Her soft words placated me, if only a little. "If we are to keep sightseeing, you must contain yourself." "Okie dokie lokie!" My jaw dropped. I pointed a hoof at her. "You are a changeling." "What?!" "You're a changeling! Don't think I can't see through your disguise! My sister, my 'Tia, would never, ever say those words!" She began to sweat nervously. "Luna, that's very funny. Now stop it..." I charged up a spell and blasted her with it. Ponies gasped in horror. The changeling giggled. "That tickles!" I furrowed my brow and shot her again. And again, and again. And she remained the same. "Perhaps you are not a changeling." "Well duh!" It was scary to hear her talk like that. "Who are you and what have you done with 'Tia?" I whispered harshly, leading her down a street. "Well, I am Princess Celestia!" I faced her, studying her close, burning my jade eyes into hers. She stared back before I saw her begin to sweat. She avoided making direct eye contact, instead looking elsewhere. I leaned in closer, our muzzles touching, trying to make her break. I was just about to get an answer before she did something completely unexpected. 'Tia kissed me. "Mwah!" Right on the cheek. She never did that. There was a flash of a camera. My eyes bulged as I backed away, screaming. "Sister!" She hugged me tight. "I love you too, sis!" The photographer was long gone. We were doomed. "Welp, come on. We don't have all day!" 'Tia bounced off again, singing to herself. I sat there, dumbfounded. "WHAT?!" I was still sputtering as we cantered to the plaza, trying to scrub my cheek. "Hush, Woona, you're making a scene." "I'm making a scene? I'M making a scene?!" I screeched. I was making a scene. And I was about to literally strangle her, right on the street. "I'LL SHOW YOU MAKING A SCENE!" "Hey Fancypants!" I squeaked and composed myself. And there he was, Fancypants, always impeccably dressed, with Fleur de Lis. They both gave her bows, to which 'Tia simply scratched her head. "Why, hello there, Princess!" Fancypants said. "It seems you've been having an interesting day." "You said it!" 'Tia chirped. The look on Fancypants' face revealed his surprise. "Aw, hey Fleur de Lis! What's goin' on?" The supermodel pony cleared her throat and smoothed her pink mane and said with a clear and distinguished accent, "It is going magnificently, Your Highness." "Sweet." The look on her face read it all. She was just as surprised as her husband. "Yo Fleur, I gotta say you've got a great accent." Fleur, the poor thing, she was still sputtering. "W-Why, thank you?" "You gotta teach me sometime, girl!" "I suppose?" She looked to Fancypants, who simply shrugged. "But I must say, I simply adore your new manestyles!" Before I could get a word in, Celestia said, "By tomorrow I think everypony who is anypony will be wearing ponytails! You can expect the nobles to jump right onto this new fashion!" "Oh I agree." "Indubitably!" she said in a posh accent. We all stared at her this time. "What? Just practicing, guv'nah!" "I'm sorry?" "Pip pip, cheerio, and all that!" I was as red as a tomato. Fleur and Fancypants' expressions were unreadable. And yet, in all of a sudden, Fancypants took of his monocle. "I say!" he replied with a grin. Celestia was grinning. "Toodle pip!" "Quite, quite!" Fleur suddenly burst out, "Jolly good!" She chortled to herself. "Tally ho!" Celestia cried. "Flibbertigibbet!" Fancypants shot back. "Ooh, that's a good one!" It was some ridiculous exchange. Bystanders watched as they began coming up with more and more silly phrases, mocking the nobles. "Bob's your uncle!" "Crikey!" "Blimey!" I cried out, "Malarkey!" Everypony stared and burst into laughter. It seemed that Celestia had put on an impromptu standup comedy show. Everypony was gathering around the fountain in the plaza, listening to her tell jokes, of all things! "There are some things you never discuss with a mare," 'Tia said lowly, walking around, captivating her audience. Already some of the gentlecolts were murmuring. "Her weight!" They roared with laughter. Her voice became nasally. "'Honey, does this make me look fat?' For the love of all that is holy, do not reply!" More laughter. "Just run! Run! Your safest bet is to hide in the Everfree Forrest!" Celestia snorted. "And then we have the most important thing of all, that you never, ever talk about..." Silence now. "Oh, Mr. Fancypants!" Fancypants, who had been standing by Celestia's side the entire time, snapped to attention. "Yes, Princess!" "How old do you think I am?" The gentlecolt was stumped. He pondered the question for a bit. "Perhaps two centuries?" There were horrified gasps. "Care to try again?" The atmosphere suddenly became very cold. Everypony remained silent, some running out of fear. Her voice was low and ominous as she leaned in, eyeing the stallion dangerously. Fancypants began to sweat. "Why, you look no less than thirty years!" he stammered with a grin. No one dared breathe. She grinned.
I Am So Wet Right NowFortunately it was time for me to raise the moon and the stars. I gathered my magical energies and took control of the celestial body, slamming it into the setting sun as revenge for this morning. Celestia simply chortled as her sun plummeted to the opposite pole. The twinkling stars blanketed the skies as she and I left the plaza. There were a few straggling paparazzi, but the guards took care of them. I stood on my balcony, soaking in the moonlight, gazing at the stars. The night was my domain. Regardless, it was time for bed. Most nights I was awake, while the rest of Equestria slept. And so I brushed my teeth and gargled, tossing my crown and boots and flopping onto the bed. I blew out the candles and closed my eyes, shifting slightly so as not to hurt my wings. I descended into a peaceful slumber underneath the covers, resting my head on the pillow, snoring softly. My dreams, or nightmares, were plagued with thoughts of sister and whatever horrific, outlandish act she would commit next. She couldn't avoid court forever. And what about negotiations with the nobles? I tossed and turned in my sleep, watching as things turned to chaos. My eyes snapped open. I twisted my head this way and that. I craned my head to look at the door. Even the guards were asleep at this hour. It was probably nothing. I set my head down again on the pillow. There was the sound of fabric rubbing. I sat up again, using my night vision to scan my room. Everything was in its place... At the far end of my bed, I saw something shift underneath the blankets. There was a shape underneath. My heart stopped and I froze, watching in horror as it approached me. Closer and closer it came as I tentatively peeked underneath and tore off the covers. "Boo!" "Eeeeeeek!" This time Celestia was the one to silence me with her hoof. "You wanna wake up the entire castle, sis?" "What are you doing here?" I hissed. "I wanted to sleep with you." I blinked. "You can't be serious." "I even brought my own pillow! It'll be like a sleepover!" She said it like it was the most amazing thing in the world. I thought about all the things I could say to her. All the ways I could refuse her. I sighed. "Jump in." She squealed and hugged me, draping her wing over my back. "Yay!" "Don't do that." 'Tia grinned. "Hush now, quiet now, it's time to lay your sleepy head..." "Shh!" And so the night turned to day. I felt the sun's warmth and cracked an eye open, satisfied to see Celestia raising the sun again. Perhaps she was back to normal! "That's how you do it!" She hoofpumped, doing a little jig. "That's how you do it!" Not a chance. "Good morning, sister! I take it you slept well?" "Like you wouldn't believe, Luna! I feel awesome!" she screeched in my ear. "Yes, well, congratulations on doing your job." 'Tia stopped celebrating and gave me a funny look. "Ya know, if I didn't know any better, I'd think you were being sarcastic." "How could you tell?" "C'mon, c'mon! We don't have all day, sleepyhead!" "Sister, I must wash up!" And that was her cue to drag me into my own bathroom and dunk me in. "Ackpth! 'Tia!" I coughed, fuming. "You said!" she sang. I sank beneath the water. "I'm taking a bath. Go away!" She frowned. "Aren't we always naked?" "Yes, but this is...private," I blushed. She rolled her eyes and sauntered away. "And what shall you have for breakfast today, princess?" the chef asked, nose in the air. "The usual," I said. "I dunno." Celestia shrugged. "In that case, Princess, may I recommend eggs and toast?" "With bacon?" And with those two words everypony in the kitchen froze. "She was just kidding! She was making a joke! Go back to work, everypony!" I said, waving my hooves. "Naw! I'm serious! Crispy, deep fat fried bacon!" 'Tia licked her lips. Some fainted. Others ran off to the bathroom. "Alright, alright. I'll have an apple." "I dunno what's wrong with me, sis..." "Neither do I." "I'm pumped!" She ran circles around me. "I'm gonna tackle the day!" "Mm, yes..." "Gonna put it in a headlock and bam!" "I'm sure." 'Tia reared up on her hind legs and began punching an invisible foe. "Right hook, right hook! Everypony likes the jab!" "Sister, will you stop!" "Aight, aight. All I'm sayin' sis, nopony's stopping me." "I fear for the worst." 'Tia stopped. "Ya know what you need?" "A drink." "I'll be right back!" "Wait, where are you - forget it." Imagine my surprise as Twilight Sparkle and the Elements of Harmony suddenly burst onto the castle grounds. 'Tia had been exploring after going off to write a quick letter. "Princess Celestia!" the purple mare gasped. "Are you alright? Is Discord back?" Twilight was surprised as they were suddenly swept up in 'Tia's embrace and was jerked around. "You're here! You're here! You're here!" Celestia screamed with delight. "I'm - glad to see you - too, Princess!" Twilight Sparkle gasped. 'Tia finally dropped her after crushing the air out her. "You got my letter!" "Yes, Princess! And we brought the Elements of Harmony! Now uh, what was the 'super duper important' thing?" "Oh, I just wanted to see if you wanted to go for a swim!" she chirped happily. "Huh?" "Now come on!" 'Tia dashed off around the corner. "Is there something wrong with the Princess?" Twilight asked. "She wrote 'XOXOXO' at the end of her letter. She never does that." "And it appears she has changed her mane," Rarity noted. "I was having a great nap before Twilight woke me up!" Rainbow Dash harrumphed. "And I was picking apples," Applejack drawled. I sighed. "I fear she has lost her mind." "Oh, I hope she's alright," the timid Fluttershy said. "C'mon! I love the water!" Pinkie Pie squealed, already donning a pair of flippers and snorkel. By the time we all caught up to her, she was already at the royal pool, which had been closed, staring at her reflection intensely in the water. "Siste-" She hushed me and went back to staring at her reflection, gesturing for me to come take a look. I plopped myself down right next to her. "See?" she whispered, squinting. I took a look for myself and saw nothing but the crystal clear waters of the pool. I looked at the Elements of Harmony, who shrugged. "Look closer!" I leaned in until my nose was practically touching the water. I felt two hooves on my backside and let out a scream as I was shoved in. When I resurfaced, Celestia was laughing her flank off, rolling around. "Ha-ha! You fell for it! Oh, I can't believe you fell for it!" I was convinced she was Discord. "Princess Luna!" Twilight gasped, running over to the edge of the pool. "Are you alrig - WAH!" She went in with a splash. 'Tia snickered and pointed at us. I fumed. "Sister..." Using my magic, I grabbed Celestia and threw her in. She broke the surface and gasped. Instead of being angry, she merely laughed again. "Everypony in the water!" "Whoo-hoo!" the pink party pony cheered. Rainbow Dash and Applejack shrugged and slipped into the water. Fluttershy and Rarity were a little more cautious. The fashionista dipped a hoof in, shuddering. "I'll ruin my mane!" she whined. "EEP!" Fluttershy squeaked as she, too, was carried in and dumped in the pool. Celestia grinned, taking her crown off and placing it gently on Twilight's head. "My faithful student!" The unicorn glared at her mentor, cocking her head sideways. But it seemed that she, too, was unable to resist Celestia's charms. She giggled and splashed her gently. And soon, the others were laughing along with her. We were doomed. "Your mane looks amazing down," 'Tia gushed. The dressmaker blushed, whipping her mane around. "I suppose it does look better." She yelped as 'Tia gave her a big hug, nuzzling her. Rarity nervously chuckled. "Oh my! Princess, uhm, why, thank you!" Fluttershy squeaked as Celestia's eyes fell upon her next. "You're so adorable, you!" "Eep!" The yellow pegasus went stiff as she hugged her. Her reaction was not unlike the time I thanked her on Nightmare Night. 'Tia took Applejack and Rainbow Dash up in her arms. "Hey Dashie!" The speedster blinked. "Yeah, Princess?" "Twenty percent cooler," she paused, "in ten seconds flat." Rainbow Dash stared and shrugged. "I don't get it." She rolled her eyes. "Never mind." Pinkie Pie received her hug with glee. The two giggled like fools as they splashed each other in the water. All the while, I floated, watching her, biting my lip. Something had to be done. "I'm really worried for her, Twilight Sparkle." The fun eventually had to end. And now, everypony was in the locker rooms, toweling themselves off. "Hmm?" The unicorn toweled herself off. "To be honest, I've never seen her like this. Playing tricks, laughing, singing, hugging..." "You must admit, it is troubling." "I suppose she is a bit...random." "Does it not bother you?" "I'm a little worried, but..." "But..." "I don't know, Princess Luna. I guess it's nice to see her like this." My jaw dropped. "I guess she's having fun for once." "Twilight Sparkle, there is 'having fun' and then there is being irrational and erratic!" I regaled her with other horror stories of when I first observed sister's sudden change in behavior. "That sounds nothing like the Princess!" "Yes, I know! And that is why I am afraid, Twilight Sparkle." "Do you think she might be a changeling?" I shook my head. "Or maybe Discord has possessed her!" "Possibly. But we have yet to see cotton candy clouds and chocolate milk rain. Please help me! We simply must find out what is wrong with her." Twilight nodded. "I'll try my best, Princess."
