Let the one who is thirsty come; and let the one who wishes take the free gift of the water of life
I often make hot dogs. I don't like starting campfires in the backyard though because then my grandma would ask questions and I don't like that, so I usually make them on the stove in some boiling water.
Today was no different. I got the hot dog feeling so I ripped open a pack of wieners and dropped them in a huge pot, before drowning the little doggies in water.
I guess I made a mistake this time though, because it was taking really long to boil the water. I even prayed my entire rosary for the morning while I waited and still the water wasn't boiling. I couldn't figure out why. I went online and found out that I used a pot that was too big. If you have more water it takes more time to boil. I never thought of it that way before and it changed my perspective on a lot of things. From now on I will use a normal-sized pot instead of the huge one to make hot dogs.
But now I had a problem.
Normally when I make hot dogs I just drink the water. I don't like to waste perfectly good nutrients, and hot dog water is always refreshing whether served piping hot or on the rocks. Sometimes I even like to pretend that I am drinking the water of life which flows in the rivers of living water which represent the grace of God flowing through Jesus Christ to the world.
But this was just too. Much. Hot dog. Water! It was like three gallons, or maybe something like twenty gallons.
I CAN'T DRINK THAT MUCH BY MYSELF!
So it was a difficult problem. But then it hit me: my talking pet pony Applejack might want to help me drink some of the hot dog water!
I lifted the huge pot with both hands because it was heavy. I carried the water out to the stable where I keep my talking pet pony Applejack. It was late in the crisp spring morning, and the air was chilly but the sun was very warm and bright. Applejack looked up at me smiling, as always. Maybe my favorite thing about Applejack is her smile.
"Howdy, pardner!" she said. "Whatcha got cookin' in that big ol' pot?"
"This is a rare treat," I explained. "You're going to love it: hot dog water!"
"Boy howdy!" she exclaimed. "I never had that before, but darned if it don't smell dee-lish!"
I emptied Applejack's trough and poured some of the hot dog water into it for her. Not all of it at once. Even a pony couldn't have drunk all of that water by herself. I also poured myself a warm mug full and sat down on my grooming stool beside her.
Applejack gave me a nuzzle. I took up a body brush and began to rub her down, starting from her crest and working down. Applejack swished her tail; her ears perked, she took a few whiffs of the hot dog water before taking a big drink.
Immediately I felt the relaxation spread through her body. It made me feel glad that I had thought to share this treat with her. I was rewarded with another wonderful smile.
Applejack turned her head toward me. "I don't know what's in this stuff, but being here with you like this, and sharing something so exotic with you... It's nice."
I continued with the rubdown. "Yeah," I said. "I'm so glad I have a friend like you, Applejack."
Applejack suddenly gave me a wicked look. "You know," she said, "I don't know if it's the hot dog water, or the feeling of that brush on my body, but I'm gettin' a powerful urge for some fornicatin'!"
I let my hand drop, then gave a sigh. "Applejack, I told you... no more fornication. I'm a Christian now. Fornication is a sin."
Applejack frowned. "You never explained what that means," she said. "You just started leaving me alone one day. What changed?"
"I learned about Jesus. About what he did for us, and about how he suffered and died so that we could have eternal life."
"Really?" said Applejack. "Eternal... life?"
"Yes. Eternal life in his paradise heaven. We can go there after we die, but only..." I paused a moment and swallowed some saliva. "But only if we get baptized and stop sinning. And fornication is a sin."
"Hmm." Applejack now looked thoughtful. "What's baptized?"
"Baptism is when you are washed clean of all your previous sins. Usually someone takes water and pours it over your head while saying a prayer, or sometimes instead of pouring the water they dip you entirely underwater with your whole body for a few seconds. Then your sins are washed away in the blood of Jesus Christ."
"B-Blood?" Applejack looked confused. "I reckon I don't rightly understand all this very well."
"It's fairly complicated," I said. "But anyone can learn the basics."
"Let me just ask you this. You said fornicatin' is a sin. What if we got hitched, real proper and all? Then it wouldn't be fornicatin' no more, right?"
"Well," I said slowly, fearing the response, "St. Paul's second letter to the Corinthians says, 'Be ye not unequally yoked together with unbelievers'. So we could only get married if you became a Christian."
Applejack lowered her face. I could see God's grace at work in her. She was struggling with internal conflicts. In the silence, I said a small mental prayer for the salvation of her soul.
"So," she began, hesitantly. "what you're telling me is, if I get baptized and start learnin' about this Jesus, then we can get hitched? And then it won't be fornicatin' no more, so after we die we can go to this paradise?"
"That's the basic idea." I felt my chest clench up.
Applejack raised her eyes, and looked squarely into mine. "Well, in that case -- I want to be baptized."
I nearly fell off my stool. "You do? Really?" Relief and exultation was flowing through my body.
"Yes. If it means I can be your wife, I'll become a Christian."
I jumped up. I was rushing with excitement. "What if I baptized you right here, right now?"
Applejack acquiesced. Casting around, I saw the huge pot, and suddenly remembered about the hot dog water. I lifted the pot with both hands again, and carried it toward Applejack.
"Okay," I said, "I'm going to baptize you with this hot dog water. You're going to get pretty wet, but at least the water is warm. Are you ready?"
"Yes."
"Okay then... close your eyes." I was nearly crying because of the beautiful thing that I was about to do. It was the most beautiful and excellent thing I had ever done in my life up to then, and the reality of it was nearly overwhelming me.
I tilted the pot, and began speaking.
"Applejack..." The first splashes of hot dog water began to pour.
"I baptize you, in the name of the Father, and of the Son, and of the Holy Spirit."
Applejack was all wet, but her soul was now spotless. A worthy trade. She looked up at me after it was finished. I set down the huge pot, and Applejack showed me her smile.
"Thank you," she said. "I... I love you."
"I love you too, Applejack."
Author's Note
Two months later we were married. I am writing this story because today is our fifth anniversary. I am not trying to brag; all of the credit and glory for this conversion goes to God, who is the source of all goodness.
Please feel free to comment with your own stories of how God has helped you in your life.
A little while after we were married Applejack was hungry. That day I learned a big lesson about marriage, and ate a lot of humble pie.
As I said, Applejack was hungry. I knew veggies were important so I opened a can of green beans and put it on the stove. I used a normal-sized pot.
However I got to looking at the can of green beans and I was struck with a sudden curiosity. Something came into my mind and I just had to try it.
I rinsed out the can in the kitchen sink so that it was clean on the inside but said "Green Beans" on the outside. Then I pretended like I was still a little kid and I climbed up onto the sink. I know it is bad for the sink but just once I thought I would try this.
Anyway, then I took my pants off, squatted down with my butt over the kitchen sink, and pooped into the can of green beans. I wanted to see how it would feel. The curiosity was maddening.
It turned out it felt good! I even wanted to do it again. I figured there would be no harm, so I opened another can of green beans, poured its contents into the pot with the first, and pooped into that can too. So now I had two cans full of poop.
Little did I know I had fallen right into the Devil's trap.
I kept going, because the sensations were really wild. I opened a third can, then a fourth and a fifth. Eventually I had seven cans filled with poop, and a very large pot of green beans heating up on the stove.
I looked at the pot of green beans, steaming, approaching a boil, and I was hit yet again with another frenzy of curiosity, this one the strongest yet. I just had to know how it would feel.
So I took the pot off the stove, set it on the floor, and pooped straight into the pot.
When I finished, there was a big piece of poop floating in the bubbling hot green beans. It was then that I realized my folly, and that God's ways are above man's ways.
There was no way I could eat these green beans now, because they had a big piece of poop floating in them. Worse still, I had failed assisting my beautiful bride in her quest to eat food.
I was ashamed, and I tried to hide my foolishness by pouring the green beans down the toilet. But this only made things worse, for the hot green bean water managed to crack the aging pipes. It was a big mess and Applejack and I had a big fight.
That was how I learned that restraining my curiosity and my sensuality is so necessary and important to live a happy married life. And that irrational sensuality comes from the Devil.
