The Food We Deserve

by Erisn

Rating: everyone
Tags: Princess Celestia, Slice of Life, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Sad, Princess Luna
Length: 2123

Why would anypony ever think Zesty Gourmand's food was ever good?

Season 6 Spoilers!

After the events of Spice Up Your Life, Luna and Celestia discuss the disgusting food that somehow became a stable of Canterlot dining. But is there a hidden secret as to why Zesty Gourmand believes that food is so good? Only Celestia knows.

Published 2016-06-11 18:10:01 UTC
Last updated 2016-06-11 18:10:01 UTC

A memory with every bite

“So, what have we learned today?”

“Um, that the Pink One is always right?”

“Maybe, but I was talking more about the friendship lesson.”

Luna peeked her head over the window sill and peered into The Tasty Treat, hungrily watching ponies as they tucked into the exotic spread of dishes Saffron Masala and her father were putting before them.

“We are not sure Sister, but we are certain that this food is ten, nay, a hundred, nay, a thousand times better than the rubbish served at those other restaurants,” she declared. “Why, it is a veritable feast! Sister, we should partake of this food as well!”

“Not tonight, I think.” Celestia stood next to Luna, staring in through the window covertly and watching as Rarity and Pinkie Pie celebrated by stuffing their faces full of delicious food. “I think we’d caused a commotion, and besides which, I believe it would hurt Zesty Gourmand’s reputation too much if both Princesses were to suddenly take an interest in a restaurant she had condemned.”

“Bah!” Luna tossed her mane angrily. “Why should we care what one fussy critic thinks? Why sister, did thou not hear her words earlier? She would force all of Canterlot to eat her disgusting food rather than let ponies cook what they will! Nay, I say let her reputation sink into the mud!”

“That would ruin her,” Celestia said mildly. “And I believe that would be unfortunate and a bit cruel, Luna. Even if Zesty Gourmand is unlikeable and set in her ways, she is still Canterlot’s leading food critic. Can’t you respect that?”

“Not if that tripe is what she believes to be good food!” Luna huffed. “Hast thou tasted it, Sister? I was served it not a few days after I returned from my imprisonment. Truly, it would have been better if I had been eating moon rocks again rather than swallow that garbage!”

“Moon rocks?” Celestia raised an eyebrow. “I know the food is horrible to taste, but isn’t it admirable how Zesty convinced everypony in Canterlot to eat the stuff? Despite the extravagant price, this has been the menu on every restaurant for nearly a decade, Luna. Zesty must have been doing something right if she convinced every pony to eat it for so long.”

“Art thou saying you actually like this food?” Luna cried, outraged. “Nay! I cannot believe you of all ponies would allow this to be the main course of restaurants! Unless my memory fails me Sister, you of all ponies have always loved good food the most!”

Celestia paused. “Things change,” she said reluctantly. “I do like good food, Luna. It’s just that I didn’t want to impose my will on Canterlot citizens. I knew it was bad, but I let Zesty convince other ponies. It was just too bad to me that few ponies had the courage to try and oppose her – and that the few that did ended up like Masala and her father.”

“Well, the Table of Harmony called Rarity and the Pink One to set matters right,” Luna declared. “So all is well, isn’t it Sister?”

Celestia shook her head. “Frankly, I’m a bit disappointed in the Table of Harmony. I would have liked to see Saffron and her father succeed without Rarity and Pinkie Pie doing all the work. Otherwise, how would my subjects grow and learn to stand up for themselves? But perhaps they couldn’t have done it without the Elements of Harmony.”

Luna was silent, and Celestia studied the restaurant pensively. The laughter and ponies eating warmed her heart, but…

“But still,” she said. “It is the end of an era. I suppose ponies won’t ever eat that food again. It’s just a bit sad, really.”

Luna shook her head in disbelief. “Thou art mad, Sister. We shall cook for you our signature dish: alfalfa stir-fry with extra peppers! It shall be so good that you will forget ever eating such horrible trash, we promise you!”

“Just lay off of the spices, alright?”

“We shall not! Food is meant to be exciting, and what is more exciting than a struggle for one’s life!?”

Luna marched down the alleyway. “Come, Sister!” She called over her shoulder. “Let us adjourn to the castle for our repast!”

“In a minute,” Celestia called absently back. She stared through the window again at the happy diners inside. As an immortal alicorn princess, Celestia was well aware of the taste of Saffron Masala’s cooking, and knew it would be a huge hit. That, combined with the other restaurant owners making their own brand of foods probably meant Zesty Gourmand’s downfall as a food critic was assured.

Perhaps it was just as well. Zesty was old and could retire – if not happily than at least affluently – and Canterlot could thrive as a diner’s delight. But part of Celestia regretted the loss of Zesty’s favorite foodstuffs. Of course, Celestia hated how it tasted. It was the most repugnant food in the world, and yet—

A door opened in the back alley startling Celestia. Without even thinking she cast an invisibility spell. Just in time too – she saw Saffron Masala’s father entering the alley. The unicorn levitated a platter of food into the garbage can and then went back inside the restaurant. Celestia hesitated, and then moved towards the garbage can. Was it…?

Yes, it was the platter of Zesty-style cooking Rarity had prepared for the unicorn’s visit. The distinctively odd shapes of the food stood out in the garbage can like little flowers. Little, disgusting flowers that tasted worse than actual flowers if you ate them. But—

Celestia hesitated. Then she carefully levitated a few of the morsels out of the garbage can, ignoring all thoughts of hygiene or food safety. After all, despite the filthiness of the back alley and unwashed state of the garbage, contact with such things could only improve the taste of the food.

“Small food, for small ponies,” Celestia whispered, bringing the food close to her mouth. “And for the smallest of all—”

She opened her mouth and hesitated. It was always so hard to take the first bite. But this wasn’t her food, not really. Against all odds the chefs of Canterlot had taken the recipe and improved the taste, however slightly. They had made this horrific food into a fad. What a joke. But Celestia could still remember how it had all started.

The alicorn princess closed her eyes for a moment and remembered.

“What are you eating?”

Celestia paused, fork hallway to her mouth and looked around. She was sitting at an outdoor table in Canterlot’s leading restaurant, eating her special meal. It was rare that she ate out in public, but the day was lovely and she couldn’t resist. The chef hadn’t wanted to make her meal as usual, but she had insisted, and she was the Princess.

And she was apparently hearing things.

Celestia raised her fork to her mouth and reluctantly opened it, but the high-pitched voice piped up again.

“What’s that you’re eating?”

This time Celestia heard the voice come from below. She looked down and standing next to her table as a small young filly, her coat a pale grey. She had no Cutie Mark on her flank yet, telling Celestia she was a young child, but she stared at the Princess of the Sun without any fear.

Celestia let her fork hover in midair and looked around. The filly’s parents weren’t in sight. “Are you lost, young one?” She inquired. “Where are your parents?”

“I left my mom back in the store,” the filly said. “I was bored, so I looked around.”

“Good. For you.” Celestia said, sighing inwardly. “And I appreciate all my subjects. But as you can see my dear, I’m in the middle of a meal.”

“I know. You have interesting food,” the filly said, oblivious to Celestia’s gentle hinting. “I’ve never seen any food like it before.”

“Yes, it’s my special meal.” Celestia tried to ignore the filly, but the eyes of a small child are hard to ignore. She opened her mouth to take a bite of her food, hesitated, and eyed the filly.

“Don’t you have somewhere else to be?”

“I want to know what that is,” the filly said, pointing at Celestia’s fork. “What is it?”

“It’s a nutritious mixture designed to deliver energy as efficiently as possible,” Celestia replied automatically. She sighed at the bewildered look on the filly’s face. “It’s nutritious,” Celestia explained. “And it’s convenient if you want to eat quickly or…don’t feel like eating much.”

“Is convenient good?” The filly stared at the piece of food on the fork with interest.

“It’s something,” Celestia muttered. She took a bite of the food and tried not to gag. The bile rose in her throat, but she forced it down. Chew. Swallow. She managed not to vomit all over her plate as the filly watched her princess.

“Does it taste good?” The small filly asked.

“Not particularly,” Celestia said. “But it has a…certain appeal. To me, at least.”

“But wouldn’t you like to eat something good?” The filly pressed, “even if it isn’t as convenient?”

Celestia hesitated. Her stomach rumbled, but her mind flashed back in time. She saw two fillies sitting together, happily munching on oatcakes drizzled with honey. Her insides roiled suddenly and it was all Celestia could do to avoid throwing up again.

Again. Every time she took a bite of food for nearly a thousand years.

“No,” she said after a minute. “No. I…don’t like eating much anymore. I used to, but—let’s just say I’m waiting for somepony to share a meal with. Until then, I don’t feel like eating much. So I eat this instead.”

“Oh.” The filly nodded. “I see.”

“Good.” Celestia turned back to her meal. Even after so long, it took all of her willpower to stomach the food. She raised the fork to her lips.

“Can I try?”

Celestia blinked down at the filly. “Why?”

The small pony shifted. “I just want to know what it tastes like.”

Celestia thought for a moment and then lowered her fork and let the filly nibble at the food. She waited, but the filly only turned green a bit.

“It uh, it tastes…good?”

“It does not,” Celestia said firmly. After a moment the filly nodded in agreement.

“But you still eat it?”

“I do.”

“Then it must be special,” the filly declared. “I like it! The Princess eats this food and so will I!”

Exasperated, Celestia rolled her eyes and tried to concentrate on her meal. But there was a shine in the filly’s eyes, and Celestia knew it well. She realized she didn’t even know this impetuous young filly’s name. “What’s your name, child?”

“Zesty Gourmand.”

Celestia blinked. She was back in the present. Outside the alley, she heard the laughter of many ponies, and smelled the mouth-watering spices wafting from the kitchen of Canterlot’s newest popular restaurant. Her stomach rumbled again.

Slowly, Celestia looked back at the food hovering in the air in front of her. The battered, grimy pieces of Zesty Gourmand’s favorite cooking hovered in front of her, expectant, waiting.

She should have never given that filly a bite to eat. But she had asked and it was true that Celestia ate that food exclusively. She just hadn’t been completely honest as to why.

A thousand years. Actually, more like a thousand and two, but she’d round down. Three meals a day, three hundred and sixty five days a year. An average of six morsels a plate, and two bites per morsel. 13,140,000 moments of trying not to throw up.

A long time. A very long time. Celestia hesitated. Every instinct in her wanted to eat some of the food she smelled, to toss the disgusting pieces of offal that Canterlot ponies believed was fine cuisine back in the garbage and never eat it again. And she would but—

“Sister?” Luna’s voice echoed down the alleyway. “Sister! We are waiting! Come, let us repast on my excellent cookery and lower the sun that our subjects may rest!”

“Coming!” Celestia called. She waited until her sister was gone, and sighed. So long. So many times. But once more before she stopped. She felt bad for her subjects who had eaten the slop she had designed as a punishment and penance, but it had been their choice. And though she could once again eat other foods, sin didn’t disappear so easily. So. Once more.

Slowly, Celestia opened her mouth and popped the disgusting appetizers in. She chewed briefly, sighed, swallowed.

Then she opened her eyes.

“Bon appetit,” Celestia said into the silence.