"IT'S RAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAW!!!"

by MajorDude

Rating: teen
Tags: Pinkie Pie, Coriander Cumin, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Other, Saffron Masala, Rarity, Profanity, Random
Length: 1628

Zesty Gourmand criticizes the Tasty Treat for claiming to be a good restaurant without her three hoof rating. One certain pony has some things on his mind he wants to "kindly" share to the mare.

The Tasty Treat becomes a successful restaurant, despite not having the three-hoof rating that makes all the restaurants in Restaurant Row successful. The Queen of Cuisine, Zesty Gourmand, will not let this stand without criticism.

Unfortunately for her, somepony else will not let her flawed method of critiquing restaurants go unpunished. And he's not holding back anything. No way in Hell, especially in his own kitchen.

Spoilers for Season 6 Episode 12

Random Oneshot Idea that just popped in my head.

Contains vulgar language and verbal bashing (Judging from the cover art, you can tell why).

Published 2016-06-11 23:50:01 UTC
Last updated 2016-06-11 23:50:01 UTC

It's &*%$ing raw!!!

It's &*%$ing raw!!!

"Zesty, are you sure you wouldn't like to try the food?" Rarity asked, "Ignoring a unique and fresh establishment such as this could do serious damage to your social standing."

Zesty Gourmand remained silent as she glared at Rarity, Pinkie Pie, Coriander Cumin, and Saffron Masala. She slowly directed her attention to some of the patrons who thought it was a good idea to come to this restaurant and think it is wonderful. Some of them are even chefs from restaurants with her ratings! Growling, she began to yell at Rarity.

"There is nothing unique and fresh about this establishment! All the restaurants in Restaurant Row would not even prosper if it wasn't for me! What makes you thin-"

"SHUT THE FUCK UP, YOU FUCKING DONKEY!"

Zesty suddenly stopped her ranting in a quick millisecond. Every single patron's face went from suspense, from the conversation between one of Elements of Harmony and one of the most famous food critics in Canterlot, to shock at the sudden and foul language from somepony with a British accent. Appalled by the insult, Zesty slowly turned to the source of the insult, expecting to rebuke the patron for attempting to defend this restaurant. Her angry face turned to a flabbergasted one when she saw who this patron was.

The patron was an orange unicorn dressed in a white chef's uniform that showed his flame cutie mark. He had blonde hair along with several wrinkles between his unicorn horn and green eyes. Standing away from his seat, with his wrinkles clenching together in fury, was one of Canterlot's famous chefs. He had taken recognition for two things: owning Tartarus's Kitchen, the most successful restaurant in Restaurant Row that does not have a three-hoof rating, and his fiery temper along with his determination to use foul language towards others.

"Gordon Ramsay." Rarity stuttered in disbelief. "One of the most excellent and hot-headed chefs in all of Canterlot..."

"I've been to the restaurants you've rated as some of the best restaurants in Canterlot." Ramsay said slowly and calmly as he walked towards the angry, yet shaken, reviewer.

"LITERALLY! HORSE! SHIT!" He screamed at the critic. "The decor is horrifying. It is as if I've died and went to purgatory. But then again I'd rather be there than to eat the food in those restaurants. Before they received your review, they were actually delicious. From smoked, basted, and grilled oats to delicate and flavorful desserts, I knew nothing was wrong with the decor nor food, until YOU showed up and decided that it wasn't good and forced the restaurants to REPLACE the delicious food to the shit you call FOOD."

"Of course this is food!" Zesty argued as she pulled out a dish from her jacket. The "food" belonged to one of the restaurants with her three hooves rating. "You obviously do not have any taste to know it is so!"

"Do you literally taste the food you say is good?" Gordon growled at the mare as he pointed to the food. "I've tried that exact crap before from the last restaurant you were in. It's bland, it's mush, there's no seasoning. It's so rubber that I feel like a dog gnawing a chew toy! I suppose that would make sense since you look like a dog yourself. Are you trying to fucking kill somepony with that disgusting food? Or are you in denial?!"

"I am not in denial. You're just overreacting." Zesty snorted as she placed some of the food in her mouth and ate it like it was a five-star course. Gordon shook his head in amazement as Zesty licked her lips. "Simply delicious."

"You're sick." Ramsay exclaimed. "Even the chefs and the customers think it's bad! Are you that fucking deluded?! Is your head that stuck up your arse?!"

Zesty shoved her face up towards Ramsay's face. "You have no right to tell me if my methods of critiquing are horrible."

"Oh, so what do you want me to do? Kiss up your fucking flankhole?" Ramsay growled as his eye twitched at the white mare. "Does it look like I'm the fucking kind of pony to blow smoke up your arsehole?!"

Zesty backed away with a scowl as Ramsay shook his head. "You're refusing to eat this wonderful food because you're so stuck up and think your 'lovely' and 'dandy' ratings are so brilliant and that this restaurant isn't because they lack your ratings."

Angry, Zesty immediately swiped some of the food from somepony's plate with her hoof and tasted some of the food. Immediately, she spat out the food and wiped her tongue as she glared at Ramsay.

"Bah! Too much seasoning and it tastes like garbage."

"You are kidding me." Gordon remarked as he crossed his forelegs. "You are so full of fucking shit, you know that?"

Zesty just chuckled at Ramsay, causing the chef to clench his teeth so hard that his gums felt like they were bleeding.

"Now you think it's fucking funny." Ramsay hissed. "You know what's funny? YOU. Because you're a joke. And I'm not even going to laugh at you because you're a TERRIBLE joke."

"My methods are flawless." Zesty boldly stated as she lifted up her nose in pride.

"You're in fucking denial." Gordon replied as he gave her a mocking grin.

Unfortunately, a white mare with a reddish mane thought it was a good idea to intervene. Standing up, she glared at Gordon Ramsay.

"Hey Mr. Ramsay, most restaurants that do not have three-hoof ratings are not even up to sub-par, so how would you-"

Gordon quickly turned to the mare. "Ma'am, I don't need you to blow smoke up her arse. Shut your flank up or else I'll shove your Princess Dress inside it. I'll be sure to have the glistening gems removed when I do so, okay love?"

The mare dropped her jaw as some of the patrons muttered quietly at the insult towards the foolish patron. Rarity pondered how Gordon Ramsay knew about that pony and her Princess Dress request. She would be lying if she did not admit she was satisfied at the foolish mare's misfortune. The dress looked better with the gems after all. The reddish-maned mare slowly backed to her seat as Ramsay directed his attention to an uncaring Zesty.

"Your attitude stinks and you're in fucking denial. You're think you're so hotshot and macho because you can tell other ponies what to do."

"Well then, that makes you my twin!" Zesty shouted back at Ramsay.

The entire restaurant gasped at what the critic just said to the chef. Ramsay's face remained unchanged, yet his tone showed malice and hatred in it.

"What?" He said quietly, yet it felt like he was shouting.

"You heard me!" Zesty continued as she smirked. "You think I'm afraid of some wanna-be chef who doesn't even have my rating? I'm literally looking a male version of myself!"

Gordon quickly went to her side and whispered gently, yet boldly, in her ear:

"I can cook, Zesty. And I can distinguish the differences between food and shit."

Gordon backed away from the appalled mare and continued speaking while giving the critic his own icy glare that could freeze Tartarus itself.

"You have no right to come in here and proclaim how restaurants that have your phony ass ratings are the best in the entire universe without even trying the food. You're so in denial, you need therapy, though honestly, if I was your therapist, I wouldn't show up for an appointment unless your head is off your arse. You have better luck reviewing the shit that comes out of your arsehole. Now fuck off or I'll drag you out like the dog you are."

Everypony remained silent as Zesty tried to say something at the livid chef. With nothing to say, she let out a HMPH! as she marched to the front door.

"Also," Gordon quietly added, "You know what I hate about the food you rated three hooves?"

Zesty turned around to face Ramsay.

"IT'S FUCKING RAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAW!" Gordon roared like a soccer horn on steroids, causing the critic to fly from the front door, yelling as she continued to fly through the streets. Gordon shook his head as he cleared his throat a bit and sat down in his table.

"Fucking useless..." He grumbled as he grabbed his spoon and took a spoonful of his food. "Zesty gives three hooves for the restaurants that she considers to be flawless. Right now, I want to shove three hooves up her giant self-centered asshole."

He consumed some of the soup and instantly his furious face formed into a gentle one as he turned to Coriander Cumin and Saffron Masala, giving them both a charming smile.

"The spicy flat-noodle soup is very lovely." Gordon Ramsay said in a kind and soothing voice, his smile twinkling with charm and joy as he began to be filled with positive energy. "So tender, moist, and delicious. Also, did anypony mention how exotic and lovely you look, ma'am? Jamie Oliver and Rachel Ray! Back me up on this one, mates! She looks glamorous!!!"

Saffron Masala lightly blushed and giggled as her father just smiled. The other patrons just looked at each other, unsure what to say after seeing the events that just happened in front of them.

"He should have his own TV show where he yells at chefs and it's like Hell and it's in a kitchen." Pinkie exclaimed with a silly grin.

Author's Note

Not to be taken seriously. Just wanted to write a Gordon Ramsay story because of his cameo on the episode. Simply a parody. First Gordon Ramsay parody I did, btw.

Anyone who likes Zesty Gourmand or Cayenne, sorry.